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Randy waits a few days before asking Raz’ul about what happened in the tunnels below Basom. He knows first-hand just how jarring it is to discover that you’re not alone in your own head (and somewhere deep in his brain Eddie cackles), and he thinks it might be best to let Raz’ul process it in his own time before Randy probes.
Yashee asks him too soon, and it backfires almost immediately. Raz’ul had already been acting kind of distant since the incident, and although Yashee’s intentions are innocent Raz’ul’s reaction is anything but.
He snaps at her, viciously, calls her nosy, says it’s none of her business and she shouldn’t care so much, and then slams his bedroom door in her face. Randy sits with her on the couch for almost two hours to calm her down. Raz’ul remained in his room for two days.
So Randy decides to wait a little longer.
But Randy is kind of desperate? He has been alone in this for so long, he’s dying to talk to someone, anyone who understands the confusion and betrayal inherit in another entity occupying your brain and making you doubt every action and word. But because of this, he doesn’t know exactly where to begin.
He finally finds his opportunity to try when he enters their dorm one afternoon and finds Raz’ul sitting on the couch, absently plucking at Axe Usumptin’s strings and staring at the wall. His eyes are glazed over and there’s a deep frown on his face. He doesn’t even notice Randy enter until the halfling clears his throat. Raz’ul jumps at the sound like he’s been electrocuted, then half-smiles sheepishly when he sees it’s just Randy.
“Oh, hey bud,” he says. “Uh, sorry, was just kinda zoning out. What’s, uh, what’s up?” Randy shrugs, still standing by the door.
“Not much,” he says. Then he clears his throat again. It’s now or never, he supposes. “Can I talk to you about what Squid showed you in Basom?”
Raz’ul’s back stiffens immediately and his grip on Usumptin gets so tight his knuckles turn white. He looks like he’s ready to bolt. Randy doesn’t move, determined to see this through, to find some understanding.
“Why?” is all Raz’ul finally says, his voice as tight as his spine. Randy sort of half-shrugs, and says nothing. Raz’ul takes a deep breath and looks down at his axe, plucking at the strings again.
“It really wasn’t much of anything,” he says finally. “Just some like...nightmare stuff, y’know? Some weird monster was chasing me, and I freaked out and...and attacked...but, uh, it was nothing. Yeah.”
Randy narrows his eyes. He knows Raz’ul well enough by now to know that the dwarf has an issue with being truthful. He can tell that Raz’ul is lying but he doesn’t understand why.
“If it was nothing, then why have you been acting like...like this?” Randy says, gesturing to the way Raz’ul is slumped on the couch. Raz’ul shifts, clearly uncomfortable, and shrugs.
“I dunno, can’t a dwarf just want some peace and quiet after going on a life-threatening mission? It’s kind of a lot to deal with.” Anger creeps into Raz’ul’s voice, and Randy knows he has to tread carefully from here.
“Fair enough,” Randy says slowly, “but...we all were on that mission together. Wouldn’t you rather...I dunno, talk it out? With people who understand?”
Raz’ul plucks a wrong note on his guitar and the dissonant sound echoes through the dorm. He places a hand over the strings to silence them, and then takes another deep breath, finally looking at Randy. His eyes are cold.
“You don’t understand,” he said, his voice almost a growl. “Neither does Yashee. Neither of you get it and....” He trails off, apparently searching for the right words, before letting out a frustrated sound and covering his face with his hands. The only sound in the room for a long while is Raz’ul’s shaking breaths. Randy waits patiently. Finally, the dwarf takes his hands away from his face and sniffs.
“Look,” he says, “what happened down there was...it sucked. I didn’t...expect to see what I did and...it just took me off guard, alright? It’s not exactly a good feeling to have someone root around in your brain and find your darkest secrets and use them against you, y’know?”
“I do, actually,” Randy says. Raz’ul looks at him sharply again, opening his mouth to argue but Randy cuts him off. “Remember? Eddie? Or have you already forgotten about the potpourri, or him blinding that kid in Basom, or Zil?” Raz’ul grits his teeth.
“It’s...it’s not the same,” Raz’ul begins but Randy cuts him off again.
“Are you sure?” he says, taking a step forward. “Because I think it is. I think it’s that same feeling of...of hopelessness. Feeling yourself lose control, not trusting yourself...Wondering if your friends trust you. Wondering if, or when, it’ll happen again. Right?”
Raz’ul doesn’t say anything. He stares at the floor for a moment, and then covers his eyes with one hand. He takes a deep, shuddering breath.
“I saw my dad,” he says. “And he was...well, he was my dad. And I couldn’t...do anything. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him, and I thought that...I dunno, that I’d be ready to see him when I did. But I wasn’t. And maybe I never will be?” He takes another shaky breath. “I just thought that I’d be the one to initiate us meeting. But I wasn’t and...it feels like I lost a battle that neither of us were actually fighting.” Randy nods and finally hops up next to Raz’ul on the couch.
“That’s how it feels with Eddie, a lot of the time,” he says. “He tells me to do something and I know I should refuse but...it’s hard. As much as I hate to admit it, he’s a part of me, and fighting with your own mind...like, what are you even supposed to do?” Raz’ul nods. His hand still covers his eyes, but Randy sees a few tears sliding down his cheeks. Randy fishes around in his pocket and finds a (probably) clean handkerchief. He reaches out and pulls Raz’ul’s hand away from his face and holds the cloth toward him. Raz’ul takes it with a small smile and wipes his face, sniffling a little. Randy doesn’t let go of his hand.
“Having someone invade your brain sucks,” Randy says, “but Squid’s not here anymore. He can’t attack you like that again, I can at least guarantee that. What I can’t guarantee is how or when you’ll see your dad again, but that’s...I don’t wanna say it doesn’t matter, but it doesn’t. Because no matter what happens, we’re gonna make sure you’re ready to see him, and we’ll be with you when you do. Okay?” Raz’ul nods and sobs a little, pressing the handkerchief to his face. He chuckles and wipes his face again. Randy squeezes his hand.
“Wanna go see if Yashee has anymore chocolate hidden away in her room?” he asks. Raz’ul looks at him.
“Yashee has chocolate hidden in her room?!” Randy grins and stands, tugging Raz’ul to his feet along with him.
“Oh, my friend, the wonders I will show you, “ he says, “and by wonders I mean all the treats hidden underneath Yashee’s bed. Come, follow me.”