Chapter Text
Cynthia remembers the first time Zoe and Connor insisted they were old enough to stay up until midnight on New Years Eve. Zoe was 6 and Connor was 7, and although they barely made it till 10, when they promptly passed out curled up against each other on the sofa watching the festivities on TV, it was a moment that Cynthia always thinks about when she thinks about New Years.
Zoe was 10 when she was invited to her first New Years party. She and Connor had been staying up until midnight for the last few years together, and although Zoe had expressed to Connor that she would stay home with him if he wanted to hang out with her, Connor had insisted that she go. They could always stay up until midnight another night, that she shouldn’t say no to her friends just because he’d be at home.
Cynthia had always thought that Connor would be invited to a party too and Zoe wouldn’t have to feel bad about leaving him. But he hadn’t been, and instead of hanging out with his friends Connor curled up on the sofa with Cynthia watching The Wizard of Oz, flipping the channel just in time to watch the ball drop in Times Square at the stroke of midnight.
Connor started to not care about being invited anywhere, but as Zoe got older and only continued getting invited to New Years parties, Cynthia couldn’t help but be upset that her little boy wasn’t as social as her daughter.
Now she busies herself in the kitchen making brownies, which she hasn’t made in years, in preparation for both of her kids to go out and celebrate New Years with friends. And it didn’t come without hardships — Connor had been through a lot since those days where Cynthia wondered why people hadn’t invited Connor everywhere — but he was going out too, and it was all Cynthia had hoped for his whole life. For him to be invited somewhere to celebrate.
Connor comes downstairs first, wearing jeans and a sweater with his bags packed to spend the night at Alana’s. He had been flipping back and forth between coming home after midnight and sleeping at home or just sleeping over with his friends, although Cynthia had reminded him probably a million times that he didn’t have to decide in advance if he didn’t want to.
“I’m bringing a bag just in case. If I decide to come home I’ll go pick up Zoe in the morning, I just. I don't know how I’ll feel after we’ve been hanging out all night,” He says quietly as he moves to grab himself a water bottle.
Cynthia smiles, cutting up the brownies to put into a bag for them. “That’s fine. Just text me so I know what you’re doing. You’re more than welcome to come home if you’re not feeling it. Evan can come too,” She smiles, laughing when Connor rolls his eyes, his cheeks flushing light pink.
Zoe walks in with her bag slung over her shoulder, looking between the two of them. “I’ll keep an eye on him or whatever,” She smirks, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge and laughing when Connor groans. “In all honesty, we’ll see you in the morning?”
“Of course. Can I have a hug from both of my babies?” Cynthia asks, holding out her arms. Zoe obliges first, hugging her mom tightly before mumbling something about how she was going to say goodbye to Larry, walking out of the kitchen.
Connor had mostly grown out of hugging his mom when he was 12, not that Cynthia expected otherwise. But now he looks at her, a smile tugging at his lips as he walks over and pulls her in for a hug. “I am so, so proud of you, you know.”
“Didn’t want you to make a big deal of this,” He mumbles into her shoulder, but he shows no signs of letting go of her, and so Cynthia just continues to hold him in the middle of the kitchen as she smiles, rubbing his back.
“I know, baby. And I wasn’t going to, but I just wanted to let you know that this is huge for you, and I’m so proud at how hard you’ve worked to get here.”
Connor pulls away, blushing furiously but a smile on his face that let Cynthia know that he wasn’t really mad at how big of a deal she was making this. “Thanks. For um, for helping me? And for like understanding and never leaving even when I wasn’t accepting help or when things were really bad.”
Cynthia smiles, her thumb brushing against Connor’s cheek lightly. “I’m your mama, baby. And no matter how much you try to push me away I’m not leaving. Any time you need me you just tell me,” She reminds him, smiling. “Now, go say goodbye to your dad before your sister starts having a fit that you’re going to be late.”
Connor rolls his eyes, making his way down the hall and into his dad’s office, where he had been finishing up some work that had come in while he had taken the week off to be with his family. “I’m pretty sure Zo just told you, but we’re leaving,” He says, hovering in the doorway as if his dad would be mad that he just stormed in.
Larry smiles, peering over his laptop and nodding. “She told me. You ready to go?” He asks, and Connor knows what he means. He knows he’s asking in case he wants to confess that he doesn’t want to go, but for once Connor doesn’t feel like he has to lie about something he’s about to go do.
“I am, yeah,” He nods, smiling as he bounces on his feet. “I’ll be back in the morning? Unless I like, come home tonight but I told Mom I’d text her if that happened,” He says quietly, almost as if he and Larry hadn’t made insane progress in being open about how Connor was feeling.
“If you need a ride home just text me. I’ll come get you,” He says, and Connor actually feels like he’s being genuine, like that wouldn’t actually be an awful ride and his dad would really understand this time. “Have fun. You deserve this night, Con. It’s a good way for you to end this year,” He says.
And when he stands up from his desk and comes over to hug Connor, Connor doesn’t tense up or try to push him away. He just lets his dad hug him quickly, rubbing his back before letting him go. “Let us know if you need to come home,” He reminds him, and Connor nods, thanking him again quietly before walking out to meet Zoe at the front door.
He tries to act like his mom waving from the front door as Zoe pulls out of the driveway is a normal thing, but he can’t help but think that she’s doing it just because it’s the first time Connor had even been invited anywhere for New Years, let alone after the year he had had.
“You’re not saying anything about me coming to this. You don’t get to, I’ve had enough of Mom and Dad making a big deal about me going out and how much I deserve it,” Connor mumbles after flipping through Zoe’s music and picking a song they both like.
Zoe laughs, glancing at him when she stops at a light. “Definitely not making a big deal about this,” She promises, leaning her head back against the seat. “Evan doesn’t need a ride, right?”
“Nope,” Connor says, popping the ‘p’. “His mom is working tonight and so she’s dropping him off on the way and she said she’d pick him up on the way home tomorrow morning.”
Zoe nods, the rest of the ride quiet as she pulls onto Alana’s street, parking behind Jared’s car. “Ready to go in?” She asks after shutting the car off, and Connor nods, grabbing his things and following Zoe up to the front door of Alana Beck’s house, a place he never thought he would be.
He figures Zoe must have told her not to make a big deal about him coming along with her because when they walk in Alana just smiles and directs them to where they can leave their things, ushering them into the living room. “Everyone else is here, we were just waiting on the two of you while we chose a movie,” She says quickly, Connor trailing behind the girls.
“Oh good! The Murphy kids are here now and they can side with me that we should definitely watch a horror movie first,” Jared says as they round the corner, Connor resisting the urge to roll his eyes.
“Are you arguing with Evan over this?” Connor asks, smiling as he walks over to the sofa and sits down beside Evan, giving him a quick kiss. “Because he hates horror movies, so it’s a no from me.”
Jared sighs, turning back towards Zoe with a smile on his face. “Zoe? You say yes and we still win,” He says, but Zoe just laughs and sits down on the loveseat with Alana.
“Sorry, Jare. I get nightmares from horror movies. Even ones that are obviously fake. Going to have to say no to this one,” She smirks, leaning against Alana as Jared groans, complaining while he picks out a comedy movie to watch instead.
Connor finds that it ends up being a night that he’s been waiting for his whole life. He never really knew how to have a group of friends before, but he especially didn’t know how to hang out with them like he was that night.
They end up watching Anchorman, Evan curling up beside Connor on the sofa. Connor just wraps his arm around Evan, spending most of the time tracing his fingers along Evan’s sweater and trying to convince his brain to just focus on the movie instead of sitting there and looking around the room thinking about how he really doesn’t deserve to have these people want to hang out with him and he doesn’t deserve to be here, and.
He needs some air.
“I’m gonna go to the bathroom real quick,” He whispers to Evan, patting his arm to let him up real quick. Evan doesn’t seem phased, leaving Connor with a lazy kiss before turning back to the movie, situating himself against the pillows.
He’s never been more grateful that Alana Beck’s parents were at their own New Years party when he walks down the hall and realized that he doesn’t actually know where the bathroom is, not that he had to go anyway. But he knows that he needs some space and so he walks into the kitchen and quietly sits down at a chair at the island, letting himself take deep breaths and listen to the movie from afar.
“What are you doing?” Connor jumps out of his seat when Zoe walks into the kitchen holding a glass, moving over to the soda to pour herself some more. “I thought you were going to the bathroom.”
“Well, I realized I didn’t know where the bathroom was, but I really just needed some space. For a few minutes. I don’t know, it’s dumb,” He mumbles, running his fingers through his hair.
Zoe doesn’t look at him, continuing to pour her soda. “It’s not dumb. Did you want me to stay in here with you for a few minutes, or do you want to be alone?”
“I mean, I just don’t think I deserve to even have friends who want to hang out with me like this. You should go hang out with them though, I’ll find a way to come back in a few minutes.”
Zoe rolls her eyes for real that time, setting the bottle of soda down and looking back at her brother. “Okay we’re not doing this. You’re not going into your pity party tonight at a party,” She says, which oddly makes Connor laugh. “You’re not here out of pity, you’re not here because we felt like you should be here and because you’re my brother and my friends thought it would be nice. You’re here because we want you here. And because I want to end the year with my brother because we’re finally getting along.”
“Okay,” Connor nods.
“Con,” Zoe says as Connor goes to stand up and pour himself a glass of soda before he goes back into other other room, “If I don’t have a chance to say it since we’ll be with everyone, happy new year. I’m really glad you’re alive. I’m glad that we… that we’re doing better,” She stops. Takes a deep breath, and walks over to Connor.
Connor holds his arms out, rolling his eyes as he lets Zoe hug him. “I’m just really glad that you’re here, Con. More than I think you realize.”
Connor swallows audibly, trying to force down the tears because she’s definitely going to make him cry in the middle of Alana Beck’s kitchen with their friends in the other room. “Thanks, Zo. I’m… I’m glad I’m here, too,” He whispers, meaning it for the first time in a long time. “Happy new year.”
Zoe pulls away, wiping under her eyes and laughing at her brother, the two of them walking back into the other room as if they hadn’t just had the most sentimental moment they had had in years.
Evan just smiles when he comes back and sits down. Connor knows Zoe is staring at him, but he doesn’t think Evan notices and so he just settles back into his spot and stares at Zoe until she rolls her eyes and looks back at the movie, despite the fact that he does feel a little better for the reassurance from Zoe.
As the night moves on and they exchange the movie for the festivities in New York on the TV, Alana stands up with a smile on her face. “My parents left us champagne since you’re all sleeping over. Should we make some drinks and get ready to celebrate the New Year?” She asks, Zoe immediately standing up to go help her bring everything downstairs.
“I feel like it's super appropriate to make a toast to the new year,” Jared says as he takes his glass of champagne, the countdown beginning on the TV behind them. Connor’s decided to stay back, even making a super adult decision to not drink the champagne because he’s still adjusting to his new meds and he knows he’ll probably just end up on the bathroom floor throwing up all night if he drinks it despite the fact that there isn’t much alcohol.
Evan looks surprised, quietly offering to not drink the champagne either before Connor insists that he can, he’s mostly just not drinking it for everyone else’s sake.
And so they all hold up their drinks to toast, Jared looking around at the small group of friends that became so unlikely, yet seem to fit so well. “To a new group of friends and a great new year,” Jared says, smiling as their glasses all push together.
The countdown has hit the final few seconds, and as they all toast and take a drink Connor looks around the room, finally feeling like maybe he does belong, maybe this is exactly what he needs to start the new year.
As if this is some sort of super cliche movie the group counts down the final three seconds, ringing in the new year with cheers and excitement and hugs. And Evan just. Turns to Connor, smiling before leaning up to kiss him. And then Evan hugs Zoe quickly.
Connor doesn’t remember the last time he was this happy. The last time he just. Felt like this, felt like everything was going right and he was going into a new year that will be different than any other year before.
And so he kisses Evan again, hoping that he can make this moment last a little longer, make this happiness just feel like it’s going to continue and magically he’s never going to have a bad day again because it’s a new year and he’s doing better and that means everything will change.
He knows that’s not the case. He knows that this feeling isn’t going to last forever, let alone all year. But he feels like maybe going into this year is different because not only does he have Evan, the one friend that hasn’t left his side the past 12 years, but he has Alana and Jared, who are really his friends and enjoy hanging out with him and spending time with him.
And he has Zoe back. His little sister. His once best friend, the girl who he had pushed away and threatened her and made her lief a living hell. They’re getting close again. They’re doing better.
And that’s enough to make things feel better.
The group celebrates for a little while, hanging out and nursing their champagne. Alana suggests they could play a game to bring in the new year properly, and Connor says that he’s just going to step outside for some air, but that he’d be right back.
He gives Zoe a smile when she looks worried, but he’s not at all surprised that a few minutes after he stepped out onto the back deck the door opens again, Evan walking out with Connor’s jacket in his hand.
“You okay?” He asks, handing Connor his jacket as Connor slips it on, looking back at Evan. “You um, I can go back in if you just wanted a few minutes.”
“It’s okay, Ev,” Connor smiles, leaning against the railing as he looks back through the woods behind Alana’s house. “I was just thinking a lot about the future and like… where we go from here. How this year will be different.”
Evan smiles, leaning next to Connor so their arms touch, staring out into Alana’s backyard. “Well, I think it can only be better than this year,” He says quietly. Connor laughs, smiling over at Evan. “You’re doing better. It… it’s only going to get better.”
“I know,” Connor nods, sighing. “I know there’s still going to be bad days. I’m still going to have to work on things, but I just. I feel so? Hopeful? Going into this year. And I don’t want that to change,” He says softly.
Because apparently just after midnight on a winter night in the first day of the new year with your boyfriend is apparently the perfect time to do all this.
“It doesn’t have to,” Evan says quietly, reaching over to grab Connor’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “Nothing has to change.”
Connor bites his lip, nodding. “You and I are going to be okay? We’re going to go through a lot this year. Graduating high school, you going to school,” Connor says, emotion in his voice.
“Don’t remind me,” Evan says quietly, making Connor smile. “We’re going to be fine. All of that… it’s a ways off. We’ll figure it out. You can come visit. I’m going to… I’ll be home.”
“I know,” Connor nods. And he really does know, it’s all things they’ve talked about before. They have a while before any of that happens and Connor has ages to figure it all out, but it’s just. What’s on his mind. Because he’s never had a reason to be hopeful about a new year like he has this year.
“I love you,” Evan whispers, leaning up to kiss Connor again. “And I… that’s not going to change this year. I promise. I’ll be there for everything.”
“God, this is getting so sappy,” Connor laughs. “But I love you too. And I’m going to be better. For you and me.”
“Good,” Evan smiles.
Connor squeezes Evan’s hand, feeling Evan lean against him as they stay out in the quiet winter air for a few more minutes. And although he knows they really should go back inside, they should go back to be with their friends, Connor is pretty content to stay right here for a few minutes longer.
Because right now he’s starting the new year with a whole lot more hope that the future is going to be better, and one of the people who had gotten him through all that is right there by his side, loving him and supporting him for being exactly who he is, flaws and everything. And he has his family right there cheering him on as well, helping him through every single moment that doesn’t feel possible to get through.
That’s all he really needs to know that everything is going to be okay, even when it doesn’t feel possible.