Chapter Text
Jaebum informed them that their time was up and the kids whined in dissapointment because they didn't want to go home yet. They wanted to stay a little bit longer but Jaebum gently told me that it would be really dangerous if they didn't go down now and he promised them to come back there next year. Jaebum led the group again as they began to make their way down. After his talk with Mark, Jinyoung didn't talk much. He was drained; both mentally and physically. Jinyong slowed down his steps, not catching up with the others. There were a lot of things going on his mind right now and he needed some space to breathe. He was dying to talk to Jaebum, to reach out for him, to be close with him, but at the same time, he wasn't ready. Not yet. He still needed time to himself so he could think straight. There were a lot of things Jinyoung wanted to say to Jaebum. Things so Jaebum knew that he didn't have to reach out all the way because Jinyoung would gladly meet him half-way. Things so he knew that Jinyoung was ready. Things so Jaebum knew that Jinyoung was here, right here with him, and that he would never leave. Never again.
Jinyoung was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't realize when he stopped walking and decided to sit on one of the steps. A rustling sound of grass snapped him out of his reverie and he found himself already alone. He was alone and it's getting dark. There was no sight of his family. No sight of Jaebum. Jinyoung had gone off trail. Again. Trying not to panic, Jinyoung took out his phone only to find the device was dead. Now how was he going to call Jaebum? He didn't bring his wrist watch but he knew the sky would turn dark soon. And he didn't bring a flashlight. And his bottle was empty. Great. Fuck.
If Jinyoung was going to have a delusional, paranoid breakdown about his husband would never come to him, it made sense that he'd flash back to the one time Jaebum managed to find him crying at the base of pine tree a very long time ago. Jinyoung couldn't believe that it happened again. Under different circumstances but still. He couldn't believe he let this happened again; profliagate drifting. Senseless drifting. As if they had all the daylight left in the world to make it to the top of Hallasan.
Jinyoung sat there helplessly, staring ahead, waiting for someone. For Jaebum to come and find him. Jinyoung didn't know how long he had been there but he knew Jaebum would immediately realize that something was very wrong the moment he couldn't find Jinyoung among the group. He would know that Jinyoung had gone off trail. Jinyoung hoped Jaebum would look at his watch and say to himself; Jinyoung was gone. And then he would run to get him.
One, Jinyoung whispered Jaebum’s name desperately. Two, three…
Burying his face on his hands, a sob escaped Jinyoung's mouth. As the hot tears poured out, Jinyoung realized that he had never cried that way in his life. No, it wasn't going to happen again. Jaebum would find him. He would bring him home. He wouldn't let him gone off the trail for too long.
Four, five, six…
Jaebum, please, hurry up. Find me.
“Where's Jinyoung?”
As soon as the words escaped Jaebum's mouth, everyone stopped walking and turned around but there was no one there. Jinyoung wasn't there with them. He was nowhere to be seen. It was a dead silence after that. Jaebum's blood ran cold as he walked past Jackson to approach Hyunjin who looked pale as a ghost.
“Hyunjin, did you notice when your mother stopped walking beside you?”
Hyunjin's whole body trembled as he shook his head slowly, his face blank. His eyes prickled with tears.
“N-no,” he stuttered, gasping for air. “He—he was here, dad. I swear. Mom was beside me but—but I don't know. Dad, I'm sorry.”
“Ssh, it's okay, baby.” Jaebum put his hand around his shoulder, squeezing it gently. “It's not your fault, Hyunjin.”
“MOM?” Bambam yelled and his loud voice boomed back at him. He gulped loudly, trying to slow his heart rate down. “MOM, CAN YOU HEAR ME?”
A silence was their answer. Nobody answered. No sight of Jinyoung.
“Jaebum, I think Jinyoung is gone off trail.” Jackson told him carefully. Jaebum sighed and braced himself for their reaction. He knew it. He knew that Jinyoung was definitely going off trail.
Youngjae gasped loudly, his tears came fast. Mark put his arms around his oldest son, whispering sweet nothings to his ears. Youngjae was very sensitive and quick to panic. Mark was worried but he couldn't show it because it would affect Youngjae. Hyunjin quickly moved closer to Bambam and his brother was quick to envelop him in his arms. He let out a loud sob and Bambam hugged him, rubbing his back gently to calm him down. Yugyeom stood right next to Bambam, one of his hand wrapped protectively around Bambam's waist. He didn't say anything but worry was evident in his face.
“Jackson, please take everyone down before it's getting dark here,” Jaebum said, trying to sound calm. The riot of emotions he felt had his heart racing. He exhaled slowly and stayed composed. “I'll go up again and find Jinyoung.”
“Be careful, Jaebum. Do you bring your flashlight?” Mark reminded him, still rocking a sobbing Youngjae in his arms. Jaebum nodded at him.
“Don't worry. I'm gonna be okay.”
“Dad,” Hyunjin called between his sobs. “Please find him.”
“Please bring him home.” Bambam added, staring at his father through his wet lashes. His raw emotions made Jaebum's breath caught. Negative thoughts started to run into his head. His heart rate quickened and his stomach churned.
He exhaled sharply and gave them a small nod.
“I will,” he promised. “I'll find him and bring him home.”
Jaebum turned around and quickly ran up the trails. His mind was buzzing with terrible what-ifs. What if something bad happened to Jinyoung? What if he got hurt? What if he got cramps and couldn’t walk? What if he didn't remember the way down? Jaebum fastened his steps and started to yell Jinyoung's name out loud—old-fashioned way since his phone was useless right now. It was all too familiar for him; the scene, the situation, the dread feeling at the pit of his stomach. Jaebum needed to find him fast. He needed to see him. Jaebum needed to tell him something. He hadn't told Jinyoung that it would all be fine. They would be fine. He hadn't told him just how much he loved him. He hadn't told him that the only thing that matter the most in his life was his presence. Jaebum needed to tell him that he was sorry. He was sorry for everything. For the bad things that happened in their marriage. For the pain, misery, tears, and emptiness. Jaebum needed to find him so he could pull him into his arms and never let go again. He needed to have him in his arms so Jinyoung knew everything would be all right after this.
Jaebum's legs almost gave up but he didn't stop running. Come on, Jaebum. You could do this. Things wouldn't always good. There were always bad days and good days, but at least he tried. He could see it: the marriage and the rest of his life with Jinyoung. He could never predict the next five minutes with Jinyoung. It would always be unpredictable and he could never guess the ending. And even if he would be miserable sometimes, Jaebum wasn't going to complain or ask for more. Because that was okay. It was more than okay for Jaebum because Jinyoung was more alive than everything else in his life. He felt his cheeks warm just thinking about seeing him again. The future was going to happen, even if Jaebum wasn't ready for it. Even if he was never ready for it. At least he would have Jinyoung with him. Because that's the point of life. To find someone to share it with. And when he was thinking about the future, all he could see was Jinyoung. He could picture himself standing next to him, next to the person he loved more than everything else, and it was perfect.
Jaebum stopped running, his breath caught in his chest.
And there he was.
Jaebum's heart rate sped up and his palms grew damp.
There Jinyoung was, sitting on one of the steps and sobbing like a child. And he looked so lost and fragile that it hurt Jaebum’s heart to see him like that. The sight of him spurred a reaction so abrupt it was like a physical blow for Jaebum. His breath quickened, his entire being responding to the sight of Jinyoung with a rush of yearning. It felt like years since he'd last seen him, instead of mere minutes.
Finally, Jaebum had found him.
Black ink hair, pale skin, a pair of burning eyes that stared at him with so many emotions. A look on his face Jinyoung had never seen before. Like it was the first time he saw Jinyoung. Jaebum stopped. His mouth was open, breathing heavily. Jinyoung felt his heart leap at the sight of him.
“Jaebum,” Jinyoung whispered, loud enough for his husband to hear.
Jaebum stilled. Three seconds passed. Five. Ten. Jaebum still didn’t move a single muscle. But he was there. He was right there. He was within his reach. All Jinyoung had to do was reach out and he’d be safe in his arms again.
“Jaebum,” he whispered, his voice cracked. He felt fresh tears building in the back of his throat. When he finally had enough courage to reach out for his husband, his hand was shaking.
“You showed up.”
Jaebum blinked at him. After a heartbeat or two, he finally took a step toward Jinyoung. And then he took another one. Another, and another again, and finally. Finally he was right in front of Jinyoung. He reached for Jinyoung's hand and Jinyoung felt settled when his husband met him halfway and gripped his firmly. He crouched down and emotion quickly flooded Jinyoung. A loud sob burst through his lips.
Jaebum. Jaebum, Jaebum, Jaebum.
“You're here,” Jinyoung said again.
Jaebum was here. And he was here with him. He was real. It felt like Jinyoung had been waiting for him, for this moment to come for eighteen years. Now, he was here. Jaebum settled his hands on his knees as if he was afraid that Jinyoung would leap away. There was no mistaking the love and hope in his eyes when Jaebum looked at him. It tightened Jinyoung's throat to see it. Jinyoung had always wanted to say something to him. To ask him things. But now that he had the chance to do it, it seemed like the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. But he knew they needed this. They had grown apart for so long and Jinyoung just wanted everything to be back as it used to be. He couldn't keep fighting with him about the same things over and over again. He couldn't go another day, pretending everything's fine, talking in that stupid cheerful voice when he knew so well that Jaebum was quietly unhappy and miserable. As he pulled Jaebum's hand into his lap and cupped it with both of his, he felt the same love and hope that he did.
“Jaebum,” Jinyoung started, staring at him through blurry eyes. He asked the first thing that popped up in his head. “Do you hate me?”
Jaebum’s eyes widened, clearly not expecting that kind of question.
“Jinyoungie,” Jaebum sounded surprised. And hurt. “I never hate you. I could never hate you.”
Bile rose in Jinyoung’s throat and he forced down a sob. “You do. You hate what I do to your life, to us, and that's the same thing as hating me. That’s just as bad. No, that's worse.”
“Jesus. Jinyoung, I don’t hate you. And I certainly don’t hate my life.” He spat, his jaw set. Now he looked pissed. “You’re not making sense.”
“I just want to get it over with.” He couldn’t contain a sob that broke in his voice.
“What? Us?”
“No!” Jinyoung cried, cradling Jaebum's hand against his chest. “I just... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.”
“Baby,” Jaebum's voice softened. He reached out to wipe his tears. “I don't hate you, okay? Please stop saying that I hate you. Stop using that word. It hurts me.”
Jinyoung sobbed. “But I couldn't stop thinking that way. You’re unhappy and both of us know that.”
Jaebum took a deep breath and when he looked up to stare at Jinyoung, his gaze intense and only focused on him.
“Jaebum had a very bad year. Jaebum is not trying to make excuses for himself. Jaebum should have told Jinyoung about his bad year.”
Jinyoung gave him a perplexed look. “Jaebum, why are you talking about yourself in the third person?”
“I'm trying to speak your language. To your face. Say something.”
“Tell me the truth, Jaebum. Are you happy in our marriage?”
Jaebum exhaled sharply. “That’s not a small question.”
“You at least owe me that. You have to answer it.”
Jinyoung watched as Jaebum licked his dry lips; a small gesture that showed he was nervous.
“Fair enough,” Jaebum said, his voice throbbed with emotions. He held Jinyoung’s gaze as he continued. “If you asked me a few months ago I would have said no. You were unhappy and so was I. I was troubled over how far we had grown apart and how distant we had become. I had no idea who you were anymore, what you wanted or what you dreamed about. And it had been so long since I had asked you. I wasn't sure I was capable of having that conversation, at least not face-to-face. But I knew I had to do something. You were miserable. I made you miserable.”
Jinyoung quickly shook his head. He opened his mouth to say something but Jaebum beat him first. He took one of Jinyoung’s hands and brought it to his lips, kissing his knuckles gently. His gaze was soft, warm, and always intense. Tears welled in Jinyoung’s eyes again.
“I can't promise you that everything will be perfect," Jaebum said. “But I can promise you that I'll try harder. I'll try to be better for you. I'll try to make things easier for you. I'll try not to let you down. And I promise you that I won't take you for granted.”
Jaebum let go of Jinyoung's hand to take something out from his pocket. And then he held out his hand and Jinyoung's hand flew to his mouth as he stared at his wedding ring. It nestled safely on Jaebum's palm; the one that he threw out of the street a few days ago when Jaebum and he had the argument about something—Jinyoung wasn't sure what they were arguing about. The ring that his grandmother gave to his mother and then he gave it to Jaebum eighteen years ago, the ring that Jinyoung so cavalierly tossed away. Jinyoung couldn’t believe that he could see it again. He was so certain that he lost it forever. That there was no way he could have it again. But it was there. Jaebum had it with him all along. His husband found the ring.
“How…” Jinyoung’s throat went dry. “How did you find it?”
Jaebum smiled as he stoked the ring. He held it as if he was afraid it would disappear again.
“That night when we fight, I didn’t run after you because I knew I had to save the ring first so I could save you, us, our marriage. I ran into the middle of the busy street like a madman. I caused a ruckus and the police officer had to drag me out. I tried to explain to him that I had to find my wedding ring. He didn’t care. He said I shouldn’t be in the middle of the street because that’s dangerous. I was about to punch him in the face when I heard a dog barking loudly. You know, in that kind of situation, I wasn’t supposed to pay attention to my surroundings. But I don’t know. When I heard it, I just had to turn around. I think it was a sign. You know I don’t believe in sign at all. But then that dog running in my direction and I saw it. I saw the sign and it was right there. So clear and bright that it was impossible not to see it. Something shiny and something very familiar between his sharp teeth. That dog ran past me and I chased after it. I almost lost my fingers when I tried to pull it out between his teeth. But it was worth it. In the end, everything was worth the struggle.”
Jinyoung tried to take a deep breath and it caught in his throat like a millstone. He dropped his gaze to the ring, and then back to Jaebum's brilliant face.
“You know there's something engraved on the inside of the ring, right?” Jaebum asked as he took Jinyoung’s right hand and slipped it back onto his third finger with deliberate slowness.
As soon as the ring was on his finger, as soon as he had it again on his slender finger, his world finally settled into its proper position again. Suddenly Jinyoung remembered a conversation he had with his mother right after she gave the ring to Jaebum. She told Jinyoung that she always knew he would end up being with Jaebum. She told him about their connection and she said it wasn't hard to predict their future; that no matter what happened, as long as they were always together, they would be fine. She told him that if she had to pass his ring to someone, that someone had to be Jaebum. She didn't pass the ring to his sisters' husbands not because she didn't trust them. It was simply because her heart wouldn't allow it. And when Jaebum came to her and ask her blessing, she knew that Jaebum was the right person. Jaebum had cried in her mother's arms that night, thanking her for everything.
His mother had always been supportive to him and always be there with him every step of the way. She was there for forty-five Christmases, Easters, and birthdays. Back in the day, she was always sitting in the front row at every concert. And now his mother was here. There she was, speaking to Jinyoung as if no time has ever passed, telling him exactly what he needed to know.
At that moment, as Jinyoung realized that he was lucky enough to get a second chance to fix everything, he decided that he didn’t want a perfect marriage. He didn’t want a perfect Jaebum. He thought he would hate his life even more if everything was perfect. He wanted to keep fighting with Jaebum over small things. He wanted to complain to Jaebum when he forgot to close the cupboard after he opened it or when he didn’t refill the pitcher no matter how often Jinyoung had reminded him. He wanted to give him a silent treatment for three hours whenever he forgot to call Jinyoung before he spent the night in his studio. Jinyoung wanted bad days. He wanted more I-don’t-want-to-see-you-get-out-of-my-face-shithead days. He wanted I-can’t-believe-I-love-someone-like-you days. His point was, Jinyoung would take everything. As long as it was Jaebum, then he would accept everything. Whatever life threw at his face, he’d gladly take it.
Sometimes things we lose come back to us. Not usually, but sometimes, they do. Jinyoung knew both he and Jaebum had made some mistakes and done some things they wish they could take back. Like everyone else, sometimes they would feel lost and didn’t know what to do. But it would pass. Everything would be fine in the end. Jinyoung knew they would be fine now.
“Yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking,” Jaebum said, his voice came out as a whisper. “That’s what it says.”
“Anna Karenina.” Jinyoung breathed, his mouth fell open as he examined his ring. “I read that book on the way here and I underlined that line.”
A soft chuckle escaped Jaebum’s mouth. His eyes lighted up as he stared at Jinyoung’s face.
“I guess it was your sign.” He said. “If you’re a person who believes in signs.”
“I am.”
Jaebum’s lifted one of his eyebrows. “Since when?”
“Since forever.”
Jinyoung reached out and took his face in his hands. He sank his eyes into his as deeply as he could and caressed his cheeks gently.
“I’m sorry.” He said. Big, fat tears overflowed his eyes and ran silently down his face and over his lips. “I didn’t make it easy for you. I was hard to find.”
“You've been dropping clues and wanting to be discovered. I was just so slow on the uptake.” Jaebum placed his hand on top of Jinyoung’s and squeezed it gently. “And I made a promise to you a long time ago, remember? I promised you that no matter how far you wandered, how far you went off trail, I would come after you. I would find you and I would bring you home.”
Jinyoung gripped Jaebum's hand fiercely and felt a rush of relief flooded him as his heart began to pound furiously. Something deep inside him felt alive again after a very long time. Finally, finally.
“Are you ready to go home, baby?”
“Yes,” Jinyoung said before throwing himself into his safe arms.
“Finally you're here,” he whispered.
Jinyoung tightened his hold. “I'm home, Jaebum.”