Chapter Text
Somehow, without Bitty realizing it, most of fall semester had flown by. He wasn’t sure when or how it had happened, but the weather had grown colder than he had ever had to endure for more than a week, and suddenly the hockey team was talking about something called Screw.
“Excuse me?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at Holster.
“Winter Screw, bro,” Ransom clarified as he inhaled half of Bitty’s pie. Lord, those boys ate more than anyone he’d ever met.
“It’s tradition for roomies to choose your date,” Holster said, wrapping an arm around Bitty. He tried not to tense up so much and focused on his breathing. Holster wouldn’t hurt him.
“But since you don’t even know if your roommates actually exist,” Ransom continued, “we will happily take over the duty of finding a dance date for you. What’s your type, bro?”
Men . “Oh my goodness, will you look at the time?” Bitty exclaimed, ducking out from under Holster’s arm and grabbing his bag from the table. “I completely forgot I have a study group to get to. I’ll see y’all later!” He barely avoided crashing into Jack as he ran out of the haus. This was not a conversation he wanted to have right now.
Several hours later at the rink, he still wasn’t particularly ready. But the whole reason he had come to Samwell was to get a chance to be himself. Would it hurt that much to go to one dance that half the school was going to? He could just get lost in the crowd, right? Or would that be too much of a risk? He groaned and dropped his head into his hands.
“Are you dying?” Antonio asked, plopping down onto the bench beside him. “You probably shouldn’t; it really wouldn’t be fair to the custodians to ask them to clean up your body.”
Bitty groaned again.
“Okay,” Antonio said, nudging him. “Seriously, what’s up?”
Bitty sighed. “You … you date, right? Like, other guys? In public?”
Antonio hummed. “Yeah, some. I don’t have a ton of time, and some guys don’t want to date guys who aren’t planning on coming out anytime soon. Which, you know, their choice, but it can make it hard.”
“But you go places? Together? Where other people can see?”
“Ah.” Antonio squeezed his shoulder gently. “Yeah, sometimes. We don’t usually act all couple-y, but we’ll go out to eat or to the movies or stuff.”
Bitty frowned down at his skates. “There’s a dance coming up at school. Some of the guys want to set me up.”
“Aw,” Nina said, sitting down on his other side. “That’s sweet of them. Are you gonna go?”
“Would you?” Bitty asked.
“With a guy? Ew. With a girl? Probably.”
Bitty stared at her.
“Look, Eric,” she continued, “a dance is literally perfect for you. As long as you don’t make out with him in the middle of the room, most people will probably think you’re just there as part of a group.”
“She’s right,” Kelly said from behind them. “We won’t tell you that you can’t date, obviously, but I will suggest that you try to keep a bit of deniability.” He raised an eyebrow. “Unless you wanted to come out-”
No!” Bitty blurted. “God, no. No. Just, no. I can’t- no.” He tried not to shake at the thought of actually telling his parents that he’s…. “No. “
Kelly raised his hands as Nina and Antonio looked on in concern. “Just checking, kiddo. Nobody’s going to make you do anything you don’t want to, alright?”
Yakov shouted across the rink for Nina and Antonio as another pair left the ice. They got up and left, Nina ruffling his hair as she stood. Kelly took her place.
“Have you found someone to talk to on campus like we talked about? You know, like I’ve asked you to do every other week for three months now?”
Bitty stared at his hands. They were barely trembling now. “I’m fine.”
Kelly sighed. “Eric, I won’t pretend to know how much toxic crap has gotten shoved down your throat down in Georgia. But there’s nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. It doesn’t mean that you’re weak. You’ve got a lot on your plate and a lot of stuff that I really think you’d feel better if you worked through.”
Bitty didn’t look up. “I’m fine .”
“I didn’t say you weren’t. But vomiting before competitions and working yourself until you can barely stand isn’t healthy. Don’t think we haven’t noticed that. You’re going to really hurt yourself if you keep that up, you know.”
Bitty picked at a loose thread on his leggings. He was fine . He wasn’t about to think about explaining to his parents that he was seeing a shrink. Lord only knows what they’d think….
“Eric?” He blinked, looking up to find that Kelly had a hand on his shoulder and was waving Yakov over. “You okay, kid?”
“I- I think I’m just tired,” Bitty whispered.
Kelly nodded. “Do you want a ride to the bus stop? It’s a ways away, right?”
“I can-”
“I am going that way to pick up Anna,” Yakov interrupted. “I will take you.”
Bitty reluctantly nodded. “I’ll go get changed then.”
Kelly kept a hand on his shoulder until he had stood completely. When Bitty glanced behind him on the way to the locker room, Kelly had leaned down to whisper something to Yakov.
By the time he was bundled back up into his winter clothes, Yakov was waiting for him by the entrance and Bitty felt less like he was going to cry or vomit or just plain explode. Yakov nodded at him and walked out the door.
“I need to pick up Anna first,” he said as they got into the car. “Her school is very strict on when kindergartners are picked up.”
“That’s fine,” Bitty said. “Thank you for driving me, sir.” They rode in silence for a while, Bitty too tired to try and make conversation. Yakov mainly coached the pairs skaters (although he often helped with some of the more aesthetic points of the singles programs), and as a result Bitty hadn’t spent much time alone with him.
“I did not date men until I moved to the States,” Yakov said suddenly, glancing over slightly at Bitty.
“Oh.”
“I was halfway to thirty before I let myself even think about it for more than a few seconds,” he continued. “It was another couple years before I first went on a date with another man. It was terrifying. I kept thinking that my parents would appear to disown me, or my ex-wife to stop me from seeing my daughter. It took some time, but by the time I met Kelly I had stopped looking over my shoulder every five minutes.” He turned and smiled faintly at Bitty. “It can be hard to undo what has been said to you your entire life. It is alright if it takes time. If you do not feel ready, you do not have to date yet. Nobody will force you into something you are not ready for.”
Bitty was silent for a long minute, fighting to find his voice. “Thank you.”
Yakov nodded.
“I didn’t know you had another daughter.”
“Lidiya. She is twelve. She lives with her mother during the school months. Kelly and I get her during the summer. We talk for a little while every week. She was one of the reasons I finally downloaded Snapchat. I get to see her face more often now.”
Bitty tried to process everything for the rest of the drive to Anna’s school. As Yakov parked and got out of the car, he finally looked around and saw a sign that read ‘Horace Mann School for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing’ before his attention was torn away as a tiny girl with dark skin and two puffballs of hair sprinted at Yakov. He tried not to let his jaw drop as his grouchy, stoic coach swept her up and kissed the top of her head before setting her on his hip and tickling her side with his free hand.
Anna was still giggling as Yakov opened the back door of the car and set her in her carseat. She was signing away at him, little hands flying back and forth and making it difficult for Yakov to buckle her in. He finally finished, signing something at her and pointing at Bitty before shutting the door.
Bitty couldn’t help but smile at her, turning slightly to wave.
“Are you one of Daddy and Papa’s skaters?” she asked. “Do you know any ASL? Papa says you talk funny so I might not be able to understand you.”
Bitty hesitated as Yakov pulled back into traffic.
“Face her and speak clearly,” Yakov said. “She may have trouble making out what you are saying, but she’s gotten fairly good at lip reading.”
Bitty turned more fully in his seat. “I mostly work with your Daddy,” he said. “I only know a little bit of ASL,” he added, signing one of maybe five sentences he felt confident with.
Anna beamed at him. “Your voice isn’t that funny. I can tell what you’re saying okay. How come you came to pick me up?”
“Your Papa is dropping me off at the bus station so I can go back to school.”
They came to a stoplight and Yakov signed something to her.
“You made the cookies I liked! Can you make more? I really really like chocolate ones!” She looked at him with big pleading eyes.
Yakov sighed. “I meant for her to thank you for them,” he explained. “You do not have to make any if you are too busy.”
Bitty made sure he was facing Anna again. “As long as your dads don’t have a problem with it, I don’t mind whipping up a batch for you!”
She squealed happily as Yakov pulled up to the bus stop. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she giggled, her hand tipping away from her chin.
“Thank you for driving me, sir,” Bitty said as he opened up the door.
Yakov waved his hand. “It was no trouble.”
“It was very nice to meet you, Miss Anna,” he said, waving goodbye to her. “Is she allergic to anything?” He asked, turning to Yakov as he stepped out of the car.
Yakov shook his head. “Not that we know of. See you tomorrow, Eric.”
Bitty nodded and shut the door, watching them drive off. It took him several moments to make his way over to the bench to wait for the bus.
He had a lot to think about.
_/\_
Jack stared at the clock, his breathing finally under control after he had woken up from a nightmare at… apparently five in the morning. At least it was a Sunday. He took a deep breath and thought about trying to go back to sleep, but… he had never been good at that, even as exhausted as he was. He hesitated, then stood and went to the door to Shitty’s room. He knew Shitty wouldn’t be upset with him, but still….
Asking for help was still hard.
He finally made himself push the door open, crossing the short space to Shitty’s bed and pushing his shoulder as gently as he could manage. “Hey.” He waited until Shitty blinked up at him. “Can you come to the rink with me?”
Ten minutes later, they had both gotten coffee and clothes on (Shitty fairly reluctantly) and were heading out to Faber.
“I’m sorry,” Jack started. “I shouldn’t have-”
Shitty had been mid-sip when Jack had started speaking, but he waved his hands as he swallowed. “Your apology has been acknowledged, but it is completely unnecessary so you can stop it right there, Jackabelle. This is what best friends are for, bro.”
“Still. Thanks. I just….” He trailed off. Words were never his strong suit.
“Don’t wanna be alone?” Shitty guessed.
Jack nodded. Shitty was good at making sure he didn’t do anything stupid when he was feeling fucked up. He wasn’t sure if he needed it this morning, but it never hurt.
“Hey bro, that’s in our fucking friendship contract. I help you when your brain is lying to you, you allow me to cuddle your glorious self naked. It works.”
By the time they were in the locker room and halfway through changing, Jack felt slightly more normal. Shitty was pulling off his shirt, the scars under his pecs catching the light slightly, when he paused and frowned toward the rink. “Do you hear that?”
Jack had been too stuck in his head, but now that Shitty had pointed it out, he could faintly hear the sounds of skates hitting the ice. He frowned. He just wanted one morning of peace and quiet. Was that really so much to ask?
He silently followed Shitty out to the ice, trying hard not to glare at the small skater who was making an already bad morning worse.
Like that first morning, Bittle seemed unaware of them, though Jack couldn’t see any sign of earbuds against the fabric of his shirt. He landed another jump, less fluidly than Jack had come to expect from him. When Shitty called out to him, he turned and Jack caught sight of how pale and sweaty his face was, and as he skated over, he looked ready to collapse.
Jack knew what that was like.
“Hey, y’all,” Bittle said. He didn’t smile, and almost tripped getting off the ice. His legs were shaking as he sat down heavily on the bench. “What are y’all doing here this early?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” Jack answered. “Thought I’d get in some practice.”
Bittle nodded, wincing as he bent down to loosen his laces. He was still pale enough that Jack was starting to worry that he’d pass out. Shitty put a gentle hand on his shoulder and Bittle flinched. Shitty scooted away and passed Bittle his water bottle. “Sorry. I think you need to drink something, man. You look like fucking death, no offense.”
Bittle let out a half hearted laugh and took a swig. “Guess I got distracted.”
Jack settled down a couple feet away from Bittle on the bench. This close, he could see that Bittle’s shirt and hair were soaked through with sweat. “How long have you been here?” He shouldn’t have been working that hard without someone else there. Jack probably knew what the need to work yourself to death was like better than anyone, but Bitty was a hell of a lot better than him. He shouldn’t have to feel like that, at least not alone.
Bitty took another drink. “Couple hours, give or take? One a y’all’s coaches gave me a key, so I’ve just been lettin’ myself in.”
His accent was thicker than Jack had ever heard it, and now that he was sitting down, he looked ready to fall asleep. His eyes focused on Shitty. “What happened to your chest?”
“Top surgery,” Shitty answered easily, sliding Bitty’s skate guards on for him.
“Top … Oh. Oh! Oh my goodness, I am so sorry! That was so rude of me, gracious me! Just forget I even asked-”
Shitty laughed, waving him off. “Bro, did you not know? I walk around naked half the fucking time you’re in the Haus.”
“I don’t look!” Bitty was pouting now, but he was smiling a little, and he didn’t look quite so close to fainting. The smile faded, and he chewed on his lower lip. “I… I try not to be that guy, you know? No guy wants the creepy gay friend, right?” His hands were shaking as he glanced uneasily at Jack.
“I don’t think you have to worry about that, Bittle.” Jack couldn’t imagine the cute, bubbly little skater as anything even close to creepy. He was too good.
Shitty beamed. “Fucking A, man! High five, bro!” He waited until Bitty gently returned it before continuing. “That’s tough shit, little bro. I’m proud of you. Now go get some fucking sleep before you fucking die, ok?”
Bitty let out a shaky laugh and wiped at his eyes. “Thanks y’all.” He paused in gathering his skates. “I’ve never actually said it out loud. I’m gay. Wow.”
“Congratu-fucking-lations, bro,” Shitty said. “And may I just add that I am honored to have the privilege to be here for it?” He stood up with Bitty, holding his arms wide. “Are you cool with hugs? ‘Cause you look like you need one.”
Bitty managed a weak smile. “A hug would be nice.”
Shitty squeezed him tight for a moment, then patted him firmly on the back. “Need a chaperone to get back to your dorm?”
“I’m good, but thanks,” Bitty said, gathering his things. “Thanks for everything, guys.”
Jack reached out and touched his arm as he passed. “Bittle. You shouldn’t be practicing like that alone. My number’s in the group chat. Call me next time and I’ll come skate with you.”
Bitty smiled for real this time. “Thanks, Jack.”
“You’re part of the team. We have each other’s backs here,” Jack said firmly. “You don’t ever need to be alone if you don’t want to.”
“Speaking of,” Shitty interjected. “If you’ll hang around for a couple minutes we’ll get changed back and go get some food with you.”
“Oh, I should probably shower first, y’all.”
Shitty bowed and gestured towards the locker rooms. “After you, m’dude.”
Bitty went with him, responding occasionally to what Jack recognized by now as purposefully distracting chatter. He followed behind, already making plans.
There hadn’t been anyone there for him, but he would make damn sure he was there for Bitty.