Chapter Text
As weeks passed, Jamie and Claire slowly began to grow again. They found their feet in their relationship once more. It was a long and arduous process, moving forward. It sufficed to say that there were times where Claire just wanted to jack it all in and move back in with Joe, because of Jamie’s immaturity. There were times where Jamie had secretly wished that he had run back to John, but they were times that Claire and he were at a head; arguing and shouting at each other until their throats were coarse and headaches filled their skull from all the crying. They would never ever admit these feelings to the other, scared that they would just walk out of their life for good. Instead, they both held onto that glimmer of hope they had in them.
“Fuck you, Fraser! Just fuck you! You’re a goddamn bloody bastard and I hope you rot in hell!” Claire screamed at him, throwing her slipper at Jamie’s head.
“Oh how fucking imaginative, Beauchamp! It’s not like I haven’t heard that one before, I have been to fucking Pride!” Jamie roared back, ducking the slipper.
“Oh yeah!? You think I’m fucking telling you to rot in hell because you’re bisexual? Get a fucking grip of yourself, James Fraser, not everything revolves around your fucking sexuality! I couldn’t give two shits if you’ve fucked a man, I just fucking care about us and our fucking relationship but no, with you, everything fucking seems to go back to your fucking sexuality!”
“You don’t think I care about our relationship, Sassenach? I’m the one who fucking proposed to you, I was the fool that fucking asked you to marry me!”
“Yes, and you’re also the fool that fucking contemplated going back to your fucking ex when times got hard! We lost Faith and you just about jumped ship when we were getting back on track, Jamie! That bloody ex of yours showed up at our door and you just about left in his arms, didn’t you!?” She screamed at him, almost blue in the face, “didn’t you, Jamie Fraser!?”
“No!” He roared back, clenching his fists, shouting in her face, “If I truly wanted to be with him I wouldn’t be here screaming at you now would I!? I’d probably be with him! Is that what you’d rather I did? I fucking go back to the man who broke my heart, huh!?”
Claire began to cry out of anger.
“Of course not, you bloody fool! I want you here, with me! But I fucking want the Jamie I fell in love with! I want the Jamie that is Faith’s father! Not this new version of yourself you’ve become recently!”
Of course, arguments like those weren’t amiss in their relationship, it often seemed like the only thing they knew to do since they lost Faith and this John came into their lives and turned everything on its head. But, with every argument, they had rough and passionate make-up sex. Since they began arguing, their sex life improved with them feeling more confident to explore each other and push sexual boundaries.
“I was thinking,” Claire mumbled, flicking through her phone, “would you be opposed to being more experimental? Y’know spice things up in the bedroom?”
“What are ye suggesting, Sassenach?” Jamie raised an eyebrow, rubbing his hands along Claire’s thigh.
“Why don’t we go into town and get some toys from Ann Summers? Or, if you’re too proud for that, we could order something from LoveHoney or the online Ann Summers store.”
Jamie looked like he was thinking everything through carefully, nodding ever so slightly.
“W-would you be opposed to pegging?” Jamie looked a little red in the face when he asked Claire this question, completely unsure how she’d react.
She sat there for a moment, trying to think about what Jamie was asking.
“So, as in, I fuck you? We get a strap-on?”
Jamie nodded weakly, scared to admit that he did miss the anal sex part of his relationship.
“Yeah, I guess we could. But only if I get to be dominant when doing it.” She smirked, giving Jamie a wee wink.
Jamie felt all the blood rush down south, his jeans becoming tight at the thought of his Sassenach being dominant just turned him on greatly.
So their relationship improved sexually, both of them beginning to really realise what it was they enjoyed in the bedroom. They would both always admit that this was a positive to their situation, their sex life dramatically improved and they both matured sexually. It was just the arguments they had to sort. An argument between Jamie and Claire could last for days on end, both too stubborn to apologise or stop their little digs. Thankfully, their arguments became less frequent. So there was light at the end of the tunnel.
One night, Jamie had cooked dinner, something simple; he was still trying to work out ways to help fix their relationship, but nothing appeared to be working as of yet. Claire still didn't quite trust him, and he understood why.
”Claire, ” Jamie gulped, looking down at his plate of food, moving a bit of veg back and forth, ”w-what do you think about me goin’ tae get counselling fur all my issues?”
Claire looked up at him, her face full of sympathy for the other. She thought about for a minute before nodding slowly.
”I think that would be a good idea, Jamie. But, ” she sighed, ”I think we both ought to go couples counselling to work through this because right now, as well. I can't see us getting away from it without help.”
Claire moved her hand and rested on top of Jamie’s. A weak smile formed on both their lips.
”And I don't know why, Fraser, but I can't be without you.”
”I know.” Jamie looked down again,” I can't be without you either, Claire. Ah c-can’t lose you and I'm so lucky you haven't left me, y-ye’ve had every right to.”
“I know, Jamie.” Claire’s hand did not move from atop of Jamie’s, instead she squeezed it a little bit. “But I do want to be with you, Jamie. I just wish you were honest with me from the start and I wish you didn't sneak around so much about it.”
A look of shame and disappointment appeared on Jamie’s face, he gulped.
“I was stupid, ah ken it. Ah ken that I handled it wrong and that ah should have talked tae ye, Claire.”
“Jamie, if you had wanted to see John, I would have gone with you. I would never ever deny you your resolution about it. I think that it was something you needed to do. But for crying out loud, why did you sneak about?”
“Ah think, ” Jamie cleared his throat, trying to remove the lump that had formed in his throat, ”ah think I was scared that you would leave me, like John did. Ah was so, so feart of it.”
“Jamie, if I wanted to leave you because I was frightened, I would have left you when I fell pregnant and again when we lost Faith. But please don't think I would ever leave you for your past, ” Claire tried to comfort both herself and her partner, ”but your bloody behaviour recently has almost drove me to walking out.”
Jamie looked up in fear, his eyes filling with tears, he tried to hold them back but that was certainly something he struggled to do. He pushed his dinner to the side and stood up to grab a piece of kitchen roll, drying his eyes a little bit.
“Claire, ” he sniffed, “please ken that I am so utterly sorry. But I’m just so scared to lose ye, I fucked ye about so much and it almost caused ye tae leave. But please ken I'm tryin’. I'm tryin’ tae be a better man for ye and for our future.”
Claire stood up and moved to pull Jamie into a cuddle. She wrapped her arms around his middle and held him right, nestling her face into his chest. Jamie held her tightly, his face buried into her curls.
“Jamie, I know you’re trying, I do. But you must give me time to work everything out. But we need to get counselling, we need someone who knows what they're talking about to help us.” Claire moved back a little bit to look at him in the eye.
“I just don’t know what else I can do to make it up to you, Claire.” Jamie mumbled, ”Ah canna bear ye being like this wi’ me, ah wish ah had done everything better.”
Claire sighed deeply.
“Jamie, I suppose you just panicked and decided against it. But you're trying, I do get that.” Claire smiled,” but tell me one thing. You're not thinking about getting counselling because your mum told you to did you?”
Jamie shook his head.
“No, ” he looked at Claire, ”I’m getting it because ah know ah need it. Ah knew ah needed it after John left me the way he did, but I th-thought I could cope. And th-then when I met you, I just shut it out even more because ah just wanted ye tae like me and want me, not a messed-up version of me that needed help fae someone.”
“Jamie, I wouldn't have cared. But because you neglected to get any help, I’m now having to try and cope with someone who’s not even sure if it’s me or the ex he wants. You’ve become so muddled that it’s difficult to love you, it is so, so difficult.”
“Claire, please never think that ah don’t want you. Cause it is you, it will always be you, Sassenach. B-But please, give me one mare chance, one more to prove tae ye that ah need ye, that ah want ye more than I ever wanted him.”
Claire sighed, “I promise to give you every chance you need, Fraser. But you have to promise me that he is behind you, that we cannot live in the past anymore.”
Jamie nodded weakly, leaning down to kiss Claire’s forehead softly.
“I love you, Beauchamp.”
“I know.” She smiled weakly.
“Aw right Han Solo, let’s get back tae dinner, it’s bound tae be freezin’ now.”
The next day, Jamie enquired about a counsellor. He was determined to make a difference in his relationship, determined to try and if that meant receiving counselling for his issues, then so be it. He knew he had a lot of deep-set issues that needed ironed out.
His sessions started a week later, with Jamie keeping every Tuesday to his “therapy days”. At first, he struggled to talk about his issues, but once he had opened up, Jamie had felt a large sense of release. Something had been lifted from him and he felt like a newer person. Whether it was the fact he had talked to someone other than John, Claire, Ian, Jenny or his mum about it, or the fact that he was just talking, he didn’t know. What he did know, however, was that any feelings for John started to vanish. Of course, his lust for him changed quickly to anger once he began to think realistically. His mind was no longer clouded by John William Grey, instead, he began to think of Claire. Of his wife-to-be. Initially, he thought that his counselling sessions would be over once his John issues were ironed out and solved. Then the counsellor brought up Faith. The key to more issues. Jamie still hadn’t completely processed the fact that he had lost his baby girl, he hadn’t quite understood how his child could be thriving and okay one day and then gone the next. Yet he still managed to get over these issues. His feelings about losing Faith were resolved, to an extent, for you can never truly get over the loss of a child. Jamie left his final counselling session feeling new, he felt like a newer better man. The ghosts that had haunted him for years had now been banished.
While Jamie attended his own counselling sessions, he did also attend couples counselling with Claire, per her request. Together they worked through all their issues that had caused tension within their relationship. Of course, there was a lot to air. Frank. John. Faith. Jenny’s occasional meddling and of course, the fact that Claire had suffered a lot of loss in her life. Only during their counselling sessions did Jamie truly realise how many people Claire had lost in her life. His fiancée had lost both of her grandparents, her parents, her uncle, Frank and Faith and she had almost lost Jamie due to his clear emotional immaturity. His darling fiancée was strong considering all that she had lost. This revelation had helped Jamie through his own issues, he had been focussing too much on him and not enough on Claire. That was beginning to change, Claire was now his priority. Claire had also begun to realise the severity of Jamie’s connection to John. While she had experienced plenty loss in her life, she hadn’t quite taken into consideration that Jamie had only ever lost John and Faith. John was his first love, his first real heartbreak and then he had shown up barely a month after they had lost Faith. That was bound to bring up old wounds and cause him to overreact and struggle to think or act clearly.
Both had worked hard at their counselling, desperate to make a difference in their behaviours and attitudes to other’s problems. Throughout their sessions, they began to realise how much they needed each other. Despite their flaws, they wanted to be close to one another. Jamie and Claire had felt drawn to one another, no matter their issues, they would have rather argued and been together than be apart for any length of time. But thanks to First Psychology Edinburgh, they walked away from their sessions feeling like a new couple all over again. They knew that they would still have to work hard at their relationship for now just to keep it at the level they had found themselves and eventually, they would feel more natural and relaxed. They wanted to make this work, and for each other, they would. No more lies, no more secrets, just plain and honest truth between them.
A few months after their counselling had finished, Jamie and Claire had relaxed properly into their routines. They truly were happy with one another. Jamie had been prescribed anti-depressants to cope with his anxiety and ever-present depression, and these had been helping him work through everything. All thoughts of a wedding had been put on the back burner, at least until they both felt ready to be truly committed. It was agreed that they should maybe just forgo the engagement, until they were ready at least. This allowed for them to relearn everything about the other without feeling completely committed. It also gave them an easier out, should they feel that they need it, not that they wanted it. But the option was there to prove that they weren’t forcing one another to stay. And never once did they consider using the out.
But one night, before Claire had gotten back from work, Jamie had decided to plan a romantic night in. In the past eight months since they lost Faith and John appeared, Jamie had been improving his cooking, to the point he was able to cook quite elaborate dishes. But tonight, he made a simplistic meal; homemade steak pie with homemade chips. Claire’s favourite. He had also made a sticky toffee pudding from scratch also. His favourite. The table was lit with candelabras, rose petals led the way from the front door to the kitchen. He stood waiting for Claire, wearing the clothes he had on their first date. In his back pocket sat another engagement ring, this one had cost him a bit more. But for Claire it was worth it, he had specially picked out this ring with their little angel in mind.
“Jamie?” Claire called, sounding slightly confused.
“Through here, Sassenach. Follow the petals!”
Jamie pulled the ring out of his back pocket and got down on one knee, holding the box in his hand, waiting for Claire to come back through.
“Jamie, what’s going-“ Claire walked through to the kitchen, gasping a little.
“Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp,” Jamie smiled up at her, “I love you so, so much. I love how you’ve been there, even when you didn’t want to, I love that you have stayed, despite often wanting to flee. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I ache tae be with ye for the rest of my natural life. So, will ye dae me the honour of marrying me and becoming Mrs Jamie Fraser?”