Chapter Text
Tyler has to blink a couple of times before his brain catches up with what his eyes just saw. Is it playing tricks on him again? Is it the drugs?
But while he fumbles with his own thoughts the woman has already turned around and started walking down the street, dragging her feet as she goes. There’s something about the way she walks that makes Tyler wince. She doesn’t limp or anything like that, but her posture is screaming “surrender “from a mile away. That and the fact that he just saw Josh’s eyes on her face makes Tyler’s feet walk on their own to her direction, his mouth dry and eyes fixed on her thin frame.
“Excuse me?” he sounds unsure and small, probably too quiet for her to hear, because she keeps on strolling down the dim street. It’s almost noon, so the light is pretty much gone and Tyler has no clue what he’s doing following this woman down the street with no idea what to say.
“Lady?!” he calls after her, but she keeps walking. Her steps slow down though and then abruptly stop. She turns around and BAM there they are again. As dark as the darkest coffee Tyler has ever drank and as warm as the first rays of sunshine on a cool April morning. Josh’s eyes.
There’s something else there though, or rather something that isn’t there that strikes Tyler as unfamiliar. The kindness. There isn’t a place on Earth that radiates more kindness than Josh’s eyes, but these eyes, they lack it entirely. Instead, there’s emptiness and …. Just nothing. Like the person who carries these eyes is just a vessel.
It must’ve looked absolutely ridiculous, creepy even; Tyler standing in the middle of the empty street, staring at the stranger woman for a minute without saying anything. She stands there silent as well, swaying lightly as if her feet are not steady enough to keep her standing.
And just like that, the expression of confusion swiftly changes into one of seduction. Her eyes wonder up and down Tyler’s body, stopping at his crotch which makes him extremely uncomfortable.
“It’s been a while since anyone called me lady” her voice is raspy and cold, nothing like Josh’s warm tone
“Umm..” Tyler being … Tyler, blanks out and literally loses his ability to speak. His brain still tries to piece things together and figure out what on Earth is going on. Could she be Josh’s relative? The resemblance is too stark and obvious, so they must be related.
“Are you looking for company? You seem lonely” she comes closer to where Tyler is frozen solid to the ground and now he can see how short her skirt is and how much make up she has on her face. There’s no doubt that she’s a prostitute which makes things even worse.
“Come on, don’t be a stranger. You can touch wherever you want, handsome” she’s very close now and the light from the nearby street lamp reveals the rest of her face. It’s not just the eyes that look familiar, it’s the shape of her face and the dimples on her cheeks too. Her nose is not quite as big as Josh’s, but everything else SCREAMS familiarity. She’s definitely older than Tyler, but not very old. The vulgar smile and the ton of make up on her face steals the beauty she no doubt carries. Tyler is stunned. Could he be standing a foot away from Josh’s mom?
“Listen, I don’t need you to talk, but at least let me know if you have the money, cause if you don’t I’m just wasting my time here” her voice draws Tyler out of his stupor and he clears his throat, taking an involuntary step back. The closeness makes him incredibly uncomfortable.
“I’m.. I’m sorry. I don’t want your ..umm services” Tyler blurts out and it probably sounds rude, because the woman frowns and draws back.
“What do you want then?”
“Just… to talk?” it comes out as a question, because he’ll be damned If he knows what he wants.
She barks out a loud laugh and claps her hands together. There’s no humor in her eyes though, just emptiness.
“You. You want to talk to me? “ she laughs some more and then turns around, swaying as she does and almost falls down. “Go fuck yourself” she mutters, trying to steady herself “ I’m tired of jerks like you wasting my time. If you want to talk go find a shrink, I aint one” she walks away slowly, drawing a cigarette out of her coat pocket.
“ I’ll pay you” Tyler wants to slap himself on the face because REALLY? He’s going to pay a prostitute for a chat? And what is he going to ask her? “So, did you happen to abandon a child about 19 years ago?” or “Your kid, who you left to rot in the child protecting services has been living on the streets most of his life and is now probably dead. Jesus.
That makes her stop and turn around again, this time though there’s no trace of seductiveness on her face. She looks serious, angry even and Tyler feels like he’s made a mistake. He should’ve just walked away and forget about it.
“What the hell do you want from me?” she asks and waits for an answer and Tyler fidgets. Her pimp is probably nearby, ready to smash his head into the asphalt if she gives him a signal.
“ Look, I know that this will sound weird and probably crazy, but I really need to talk to you. Just ask you a couple of questions, nothing more. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, but it will mean a lot to me” and wow, Tyler is surprised he had managed to make up such a long sentence without fucking it up. Her face changes from angry to confused and then scared.
“You’re not a cop are you?”
“No, no. It’s nothing like that. I’m actually a nurse” well that doesn’t help his case either, because now she frowns at him and Tyler’s head begins to hurt.” Look, I will pay you for the time if you want. I just want to ask you a couple of questions, that’s it.”
“I charge 100 bucks per hour” she says and Tyler notices she has started to shiver. It’s cold and the short skirt probably does very little to keep her warm.
“Okay” he answers and takes the 100$ bill out of his wallet” Here, take it. Just let me take you for a coffee okay? It’s cold out here”
“Okay” she says weakly and takes the money with a shaking hand. Now that she’s lost the whole “prostitute” act she looks small and incredibly tired. Her eyes are no longer alluring and they’ve lost the edge of hostility, making them so familiar it’s painful to look, so Tyler doesn’t.
They walk in silence down the street towards the closest café and Tyler gets more and more nervous with every step. He’s really not very good at talking, especially to strangers and ESPECIALLY when he’s about to drop a bomb at them during the conversation. But he already paid her a shit ton of money and told her he needed to talk to her. Walking away right now would be a coward thing to do. Not that Tyler is especially brave at the moment, but he needs to know. Otherwise he will probably never find peace with himself.
They walk into the small dining hall filled with smoke and find a seat far away from the windows. Thankfully it’s not very crowded, so they manage to find a quiet corner to sit and when they’re settled and holding two mugs of coffee, Tyler sighs deeply and looks up.
The woman, and God he needs to ask her what her name is, doesn’t look at him. She stares down at her coffee and looks like she’s about to fall asleep. It’s 10 pm, but God knows how many nights she’s been working instead of sleeping at night.
“What’s your name?” Tyler asks and the pair of hazel eyes look up at him, then down again.
“Anna”
“Is that your real name?” Prostitutes often use “stage” names, so it’s a fair question.
“Yea. I use it on the street too. I’ve got no one to hide from anyway so..” she trails off and sips from her coffee.
“How about your family? Don’t you have one?” It’s a personal question and a very bold one to ask someone who you just met on the street five minutes ago. To his surprise though, she shrugs and says :
“No”
“No parents?” Tyler keeps pushing it, but once again gets an answer.
“I grew up in the system, so no.”
“So your parents left you?” Tyler is surprised, to say the least. How can she, out of all people abandon her kids when she knows what it’s like to grow up without parents?
“My mother died when I was very young. My father was an alcoholic, so they took me away and placed me in an orphanage.” She says, her voice breaking at the end of the sentence. Guilt is written all over her face and she can barely look at Tyler in the eyes. It must be tough talking about her own horrible childhood knowing that her kids must’ve went through the same hell. And it’s all her fault.
Tyler takes a sip of his coffee and wonders whether she’s ever looked for her kids after she left them. Or maybe child services has taken them too. Is it really his place to ask these questions? Is it his right to open the wounds and remind Anna of her mistakes? Probably not. He’s almost sympathetic of her, but then he remembers Josh and the hell he’s been through and the sympathy drains out of his veins.
“What about a husband? Kids?” the last word makes Anna jump, as if someone jolted her with electricity. Her eyes turn hostile again and she shakes her head, once again avoiding Tyler’s gaze.
“No. I told you I have no family. Why did you bring me here? What do you really want?”
“I want you to be honest with me, Anna. That’s what I want”
“Why does it matter so much to you huh? I’m a street whore, I’m a nobody!” she exclaims and a few heads turn towards them from a nearby table. “ Why did you pay me a 100 bucks huh?? To ask me about my family?”
“I need to know if I’m right about something. It’s just that … you remind me of someone. I saw you and I saw him in your eyes and I just need to know.”
“You saw who?” she asks and now she genuinely looks scared and confused.
“Josh”
Her reaction is so violent, Tyler has barely any time to react. One moment she was sitting at the table across from him and the next one she’s running towards the exit like her life depends on the quick escape. A second later she’s out of the door and Tyler jumps form his own seat, literally throwing the money at the waitress.
“Anna, wait!” Tyler screams after the woman and runs down the street to where her figure can be barely seen in the darkness. She has her hands crossed in front of her, as if to protect her from something. Memories, guilt, shame, Tyler guesses.
“Leave me the hell alone” she says, but keeps walking with fast pace” Stop following me or I’m going to call my pimp and you’ll end up in the ER” it sounds realistic enough, but Tyler is so tired of his life he doesn’t care if he gets beaten up or even killed.
“Stop running away and just talk to me?!” he catches up on her and grabs her by the coat. She yelps and draws back, clutching at her clothes with both hands.
“I told you to leave me the fuck alone!” she yells and this time someone walks towards them from the nearby street corner.
“I can help you” Tyler blurts out and grabs Anna by the hand before she can draw out” I can help you get off the street and find a place to stay, but you need to help me too, okay? Just talk to me. That’s all I want from you, I promise” the man walks up to them and pulls Anna way so that Tyler’s hand lets go of hers.
“Is this piece of shit bothering you?” Anna looks terrified and conflicted, probably torn between telling the guy to beat the shit out of Tyler and the possibility of getting help from him.
“No, we’re all good.” She mutters and avoids looking at Tyler altogether.
“Why don’t you get the fuck off my street little man?” the big guy says and Tyler doesn’t need to be told twice.
“I work at the Angels of Mercy hospital. My name is Tyler. If you change your mind, look for me. I’ll be there” he says and leaves. He has no idea why this is so important to him, but it is. The fact that this person is somehow connected to Josh makes his heart race. God, he just wants to see Josh, even if it’s just for a second. He misses everything about the boy – his quiet gentleness and the feeling of absolute peace when he’s around. The fact that Tyler doesn’t know whether he’s still alive or not is the most painful thing he’s ever experienced. And the guilt he feels whenever he thinks of Josh and what happened to him because of Tyler is something he has to live with for the rest of his life, but it’s just too painful.
Suddenly he feels too sober and the itch to get high and forget everything starts to burn his skin again. Instead of calling his dealer though he does what something that turned into an escape during the past couple of months – he goes to the closest grocery store and buys food , spending all the money In his wallet. When every last penny is turned into food he roams down the narrow streets and finds people sleeping on the ground, inside bus stops and on park benches. He feeds them; quietly, like a shadow, like someone who feels so guilty it almost drowns him. A little part of him hopes to see Josh’s face among the people sleeping outside, but that hope is faint and dies when all the food is given away.
Only then, when a dozen of people go to sleep with full bellies, Tyler calls his dealer and tells him he needs something strong tonight. The man says he knows just the right thing and an hour later Tyler is lying in his bathtub, feeling so light he might as well fly up to the ceiling. The bruises on his wrists bloom brightly against the white tiles, almost like neon lights. Every breath he takes feels like a waste. He’s lost, so so so lost.
The cold creeps underneath is skin and it feels like his soul will freeze if he takes a deeper breath. His body is light, but his soul, oh his soul feels so heavy. Josh is out there and Tyler can’t do anything about it. His mother is there too, sharing the streets with him unaware of how similar their fates are.. Anna, the woman who gave birth to the most beautiful human being on Earth and then let the world absolutely destroy him. It’s so unfair, so cruel, so terrible to think about, that Tyler is grateful he’s too high.
The urge to hurt himself is so strong it almost drowns him. There are scars all the way across his belly, just under his waistline and he traces them with his eyes slowly. They don’t hurt anymore, but Tyler wishes they did. He wishes he could hurt so bad he’d forget about the guilt and the shame that plague his mind all day long.
The ceiling looks so far away, so blurred it’s almost as distant as the night sky outside. Tyler can almost see the stars. His hand is slippery and his vision is blurred, but the blade feels so good on his skin nothing else matters. The water is cold and his body shakes, but the pain is almost gone, his mind is somewhere else. He can’t think and his mind is blank, the only thing keeping him afloat is the sharp pain on his tender skin. Oh how he loves that feeling! A smile stretches across his face and Tyler lets his fingers push harder, the blade digs deeper and it’s the most peaceful he’d felt in a long long time.