Chapter Text
5 minutes later, Jack is extra determined to talk to the Falcs about making sure they have good transcriptions on all their videos because the rest of Shitty’s rant is pretty garbled. Doesn’t matter, he knows how the rant goes, can tell what assumptions the Harvard bros are making by their reactions, and whatever else they may be, they look genuinely concerned as they give Shitty a glass of water, hurriedly settle their bill, and hustle him out.
Any hope of it being dismissed as drunken raving was erased by the Internet’s discovery of the pictures currently populating click-bait galleries. Jack and Shitty watching tape on the Haus couch, Jack and Shitty’s cellies, Jack and Shitty sitting together for Hausgiving, Shitty on Jack’s back getting a piggyback ride, Shitty tackling Jack in enthusiasm, Jack and Shitty brushing their teeth in their shared bathroom (Jack didn’t even know that one existed- Ransom and Holster being sneaky, maybe?), Jack putting Shitty in a headlock and giving him a noogie while grinning wider than the NHL media’s ever seen, and of course smushed cheeks and Shitty smooches. Most of them were never posted publicly but Ransom and Holster each have over 700 Facebook friends and Jack doesn’t trust the integrity of their accounts.
He knows he should slip out of bed, make some phone calls, reassure his parents and Georgia. But… his bed feels like a safe haven right now, as if the sunshine sleeping besides him is keeping the world at bay. He worries he’d have a panic attack if he was alone. Or that this would feel less real because, honestly, this is pretty ridiculous.
But he’s still a Captain, former or not, and his first priority is his team.
He texts Lardo.
Jack: Pulling an all-weekend cram of some art projects?
Lardo: jack it is 7AM ON A SUNDAY MORNING
Lardo: and how did you know?
Jack: Because you’re not in Boston.
Lardo: and how tf do u know that?
Lardo: …..shittys in trouble isnt he
Lardo: just googled it shit are you okay?
Jack: I’m more worried about whether he’s okay when he wakes up.
Lardo: u cant go over theres got to be at least one papz stacked outside his building
Jack: I know. That’s why I’m texting you.
Lardo: right. you owe me for this zimmermann
Jack: Thanks, Lards. You’re the best.
Lardo: yeah i am
Jack: Tell him I’m not mad, okay?
Jack: I’m fine.
Jack: I will be fine.
Jack: These things happen. Don’t let him beat himself up too badly.
Lardo: ill see what I can do u know him and his guilt complex
Jack: Yeah. I know. That’s why I’m worried.
Lardo: ten four good buddy
Jack orders 3 containers of Lardo’s favorite extra-dark Turkish coffee for express delivery to the Haus while he’s thinking about it.
Okay. That’s done. Now what?
He needs to respond. But what does he say?
Option A: Denounce his best friend as a raving drunken idiot.
Nope. Not going to happen.
Option B: Laugh and insist they’re just friends and Jack’s totally straight.
Nope. That’s lying. And will make it so much harder down the road when he is ready to come out and introduce Bittle to the world.
Option C: Deny that they’re together but carefully not confirm that he’s straight.
Nope. Too obvious. He might as well just come out.
Option D: Come out.
His heart immediately starts racing and his breath comes short. He stares at Bitty and thinks about holding him until it passes. That’s a nope, then.
Option E: Say nothing.
Nope. Everyone will assume it’s true. Or will look to Shitty for a response which would put him under an absolutely unfair amount of pressure and scrutiny. Jack can’t do that to him. He needs to handle this.
Option F: ???
Maybe it’ll come to him later.
Maybe he can work backwards.
How should he respond? Maybe that’ll give him ideas for what to say?
Online? It’s not appropriate to dignify a grainy cell phone video of drunken rambling with anything so formal as a press conference, not unless he’s coming out for real. Whatever invasive jerk took and posted that video shouldn’t have the satisfaction.
Except… he never uses the Twitter account that the Falcs set up for him. He doesn’t have Facebook. And his Instagram is just for photography, not addressing sleazy gossip about what his best friend says when he’s drunk.
This does seem like the thing for Twitter, though. And he does have access to his account, although it’s Falcs PR that uses it to post something once or twice a month. He uses it to see what Bitty, the SMH team, and some of his favorite commentators are saying. He sighs and pulls up the app, making sure it’s set to only show tweets from people he’s following. He does not want to see what the public or news orgs are trying to tag him in.
He stares. Re-loads it. Stares again.
SMH has been…. Active.
It takes him awhile to figure out how to see things in the right order (he hates reading conversations backwards) but then he settles in to read… whatever this is.
It starts with Johnson. Of course it does.
@johnmetason: I have no sexuality but my former captain @jlzimmermann absolutely inspires this level of devotion, attraction, and affection. #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback
@hold4ransom: I love the ladies but @holsomclose and I totally kiss @jlzimmermann at every opportunity. #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback
(attached image: Ransom and Holster kissing Jack on the cheeks while Jack rolls his eyes)
@holsomclose: bros totally kiss their bros. take your heads out of your heteronormative asses, @tmz #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback
(attached image: Ransom and Holster bending towards Jack with exaggerated kissy faces while he laughs and shoves them away)
@hold4ransom: Also? This is Jack. Everyone who plays with @jlzimmermann for a few years (or even just once) is in love with him on some level. #ocaptainmycaptain
(attached image: Ransom and Holster serenading Jack while he fails to maintain a face-off glare)
@holsomclose: Not to mention the #Zimmerass. Should we show them the slides?
@hold4ransom: We should show them the slides.
Jack scrolls past an entire presentation of “Hockey Shit with Ransom & Holster” about hockey butts.
@hold4ransom: wtf @zimmerass, you don’t even go here. RT “@zimmerass: thanks @hold4ransom and @holsomclose ! we’ll add these to our collection.”
@holsomclose: Anyone of any orientation with any appreciation of a gorgeous posterior would want to tap that. But @jlzimmermann said no. #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback
@sharkchow: I don’t want to have sex with Jack!! But I love him very much and would totally kiss his cheek if I thought he’d be okay with that. Consent is important! #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback
@sharkchow: Is that okay to say? I know I only played with him for a year. But he’s such a great Captain and he gave me his dibs and @jlzimmermann I can delete this if you don’t like it.
@volleythefarm: @sharkchow, you’ve totally had sex in @jlzimmermann’s bed.
@sharkchow: @volleythefarm That’s not fair! I live in his old room! It was after he graduated! I’m sorry Jack!!!!!! It won’t happen again!
@volleythefarm: @sharkchow, yeah it will.
@nursetheword: chill @sharkchow, everyone wants to bone @jlzimmermann. Shitty just gets away with all the kisses ‘cuz he’s the bestie. #neversexed #neverdated #loveyoujack #gotyourback
@nursetheword: but I’d totally lay one on @jlzimermann if I thought he’d be into it and I wasn’t in love with somebody else. #imaonelovekindabrah
@lobstersinmaine: wtf @nursetheword you’re not even with anyone
@nursetheword: didn’t say I was dex
@lobstersinmaine: whatever. Anyway, yeah, I’m totally straight but I love Jack and I totally get the appeal. Also half the dudes in the Haus are into bro kisses it’s not a big deal you just get used to it #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback
@nursetheword: what about you, @lobstersinmaine? Are you into bro kisses?
@lobstersinmaine: stfu nurse and keep your lip goop away from me
@nursetheword: it’s lip BALM you heathen and it tastes like vanilla
@holsomclose: @lobstersinmaine’s first hashtags, I’m so proud *wipes away manly tear*
@ollieitup: ive got @wickemdown locked in but if i was single id totally wheel @jlzimmermann #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback
@wickemdown: yeah bros got mad skills and that laser intensity is wicked hot. @ollieitup, if @jlzimmermann was into it id totally tagteam him witchu #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback
@ollieitup: @wickemdown swawesome dude i bet his stick-handling skills are #fire u think hed watch tape to improve his game?
@wickemdown: @ollieitup duuuude
@ollieitup: @wickemdown brooooooo
@holsomclose: @wickemdown @ollieup dudes! not cool. this thread is about our pure love 4 the #zimmerbeaut & u r dirtying it up
Jack really does not want to hear about Ollie and Wicks’ fantasy life (especially if it involves him) so he quickly scrolls through to the end. It looks like the thread has a lot more pictures of SMH being ridiculous in his general direction.
@marchnapril: can confirm, even the straight ones are gay 4 Jack RT “@TMZ: SMH, do you really expect us to believe that your entire division 1 men’s hockey team has the hots for @jlzimmermann?”
@mightymashkov: @TMZ, not just college! I love ladies but @jlzimmermann very kissable
(attached image: Tater kissing the top of Jack’s head during an on-ice celly)
@snowgoal: yeah @mightymashkov, i think its the cheekbones #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback
@mightymashkov: @hold4ransom @holsomclose andy randy we do hashtags 2? is ok??? ))))
@holsomclose: yeah @mightymashkov, knock yourself out man
@mightymashkov: @holsomclose yes thank you!!! ))))) #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback is suppose 2 rhyme yes????
@nursetheword: @mightymashkov we’re classy like that :)
Twitter tells him that more tweets have come in since he started reading but he refuses to refresh the app again. This is already…. quite a lot.
A new notification comes in from the SMH group chat. There’s a lot of rage venting and emojis, Johnson proposing his “plan” and getting the other guys on board while Jack was still asleep, and now this latest message from Holster: Dudes, should we or should we not re-create Shitty’s video in unison with the whole team yelling his lines?
Ransom: BRO. We totally should. Okay, mandatory team-wide meeting at the Haus in 5 hours!!
A new text from Georgia: Looks like your former team has found quite the response. Should we encourage the Falcs to join them in laughing it off? Tater and Snowy have already joined in.
He taps back: I think they’re trying to protect Bitty as well as Shitty and me. They’re really going full Purloined Letter on this one. Whatever you and PR think is best.
He throws his phone down and leans back. He can picture Bitty shaking his head and saying, “These boys…” He looks over at his actual sleeping boyfriend and thinks about the entire team that just volunteered for the position over Twitter. He stifles a small chuckle. Then a bigger one. Then turns to wrap Bittle in his arms and press his grin into soft blonde locks but another chuckle escapes. Bitty purrs in his arms then rolls over sleepily, slinging a leg over Jack’s hip. “Mmm, what’s so funny, baby?”
Jack’s almost shaking from the laughter. “Bits, you won’t believe what happened while we were asleep.”
“Yeah? …..wazzat?”
“Shitty got outed…. as my boyfriend!”
Bitty raises his head and squints at him in confusion. “Huh?”
Jack flops onto his back. Trying to say this out loud is beyond surreal. “Shitty was watching the game at some Harvard bro bar and he did one of his usual Shitty rants about my goal. Someone filmed it and posted it claiming that Shitty was clearly my secret boyfriend and a reckless drunk one at that. And overnight… it exploded.” He wants to keep going but this is so ludicrous he can’t take it seriously anymore. He throws an arm over his face and tries to take a deep breath to compose himself.
“Jack, honey, are you okay? Are you saying people actually believed this? Have you been… do they know….?” It looks like he can’t bring himself to say the word outed.
He tries to sober up enough to reassure Bits. “Well, see, at first they thought he was just some raving fan. But then someone figured out his identity, found pictures of us online, and it gained traction. Because Shitty and personal space is not a thing, right? And at first, I thought I was outed but then Johnson and the rest of SMH took to Twitter, and… SMH may be the laughingstock of the hockey world right now, but it looks like I may be in the clear.”
“Oh Lord…. What did those boys do?”
“See for yourself. I’m sure you have about a billion notifications.”
“Mr. Zimmermann, I have priorities and you are at least going to let me use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and kiss you properly before I deal with the rest of the world.”
“I’ll start the coffee then come read you the highlights while you brush.”
3 minutes later he has Bitty laughing so hard he chokes on his toothpaste.
Bitty doesn’t pull out his own phone or even turn the sound back on until he’s gotten himself dressed, Jack has been thoroughly kissed, and a bowlful of whole wheat pancake batter is ready to go on the griddle alongside some chicken apple sausages. Jack would be worried that he’s scrolling through notifications while flipping pancakes, but he’s learned not to question his favorite food source. And least, not until Bitty yells so loud he almost drops the spatula.
“Notification from TMZ?!? I’ve been @’ed by TMZ??? What?!? ‘Omgcheckplease, care to comment as to why you’re the only member of SMH with a Twitter account that hasn’t come forward? Hashtag just asking hashtag hiding something?’ Oh, those cretins! Just let me….”
He gestures Jack to take over the griddle while he bends over the screen, fingers flying. Jack feels a sudden surge of fear. “But wait- Bits- you can’t use the same hashtags- that’d be lying. I don’t want to come out yet but I don’t want either of us to have to say anything we need to detract in the future.”
Bitty slows down then glances over at him, smiling slyly. “Jack Laurent Zimmermann, you just don’t want to picture a world in which I’m not sexing you up every chance I get.”
Jack blushes guiltily and kisses Bitty’s temple. “Guilty as charged. So what will you say?”
“See for yourself, Mister.”
Jack sighs and pulls out his phone. There’s too many new tweets to read through but right at top is Bitty’s.
@omgcheckplease: Because I was ASLEEP, you vultures! RT “@tmz: @omgcheckplease, care to comment as to why you’re the only current member of SMH with a Twitter account that hasn’t come forward? #just asking #hidingsomething?”
@omgcheckplease: But for the record, I second everything said about @jlzimmermann but since I’m gay it’s #wannadate #wannakiss #loveyoujack #gotyourback
He re-loads the app by accident.
@omgcheckplease: I am AWARE but SOME OF US are GENTLEMEN #tyvm #theseboys #nomanners #raisedright @southernboy RT “@TMZ: those are not the correct hashtags @omgcheckplease”
Jack laughs and dips Bitty into a deep kiss before handing off pancake duties. He settles down with his coffee and the first batch of pancakes as a text from Lardo comes through: Arrived. Once he’s fully sober from his massive hangover, I’m gonna smoke him up and then break the news, help him make a few tweets of his own.
He types back. Please tell me you’ll be in full possession of his phone the whole time and he won’t be able to do more than dictate. And remind him we’re cool and not to worry about me.
Lardo: Duh. On both counts. But expect to have a long video chat with a very stoned Shitty later to reassure him about the second one.
Parents next. He probably shouldn’t have put it off so long.
-Zimmermann family chat-
Jack: I’m okay. Still figuring out a response.
Maman: Oh Jack, honey, we were so worried.
Papa: So she says but she also laughed until she cried.
Maman: Oh, quiet, you! That video is ridiculous and we all know it. And then those boys! Those tweets! What were they thinking??
Jack: Considering they started tweeting before 6am on a Sunday after having an impromptu party to celebrate our win last night? Probably not much thought there.
Papa: I don’t know, I think it’s a genius move as far as PR is concerned. The whole thing is hilarious and you can say something about their enthusiasm and support or just laugh and shake your head and still be in the clear.
Maman: How’s Bitty taking this all?
Maman: Wait, just saw his response. That boy has a future in social media management, I swear. Very nicely done.
Jack: It helps that he slept through most of it. I think he’s doing pretty okay.
An incoming call on Bitty’s phone interrupts the Beyoncé playing softly through his speakers. Bitty taps a button then calls out, “Hi Mama! Just making some breakfast for the boys. How are you doing?”
Her voice echoes tinnily through the kitchen. “Lord, Dicky, honey, you just wouldn’t believe it. Ms. Frances just called your Aunt Judy and told her that you just told TMZ that you’re a- a- a homosexual! Now where in the heck did she get an idea like that?? And a rag like TMZ at that?? That’s for famous people! Dicky, sweetheart, do you have any idea what they’re going on about?”
-Zimmermann Family Chat-
Jack: Hold that thought……
____________________________________
Several hours, many more tweets, and at least two very emotional conversations later, a video is posted and immediately re-posted by most members of SMH. It features almost the entirety of the current SMH team reciting Shitty’s speech with much theatrics except for a short blonde individual playing it up as the ultimate stuffy and straight Harvard bro.
Jack re-posts it as well with the simple caption Thank you all for your support.
No commentary.
No emoji.
And most definitely no hashtags.