Chapter Text
Jeremy Heere isn’t a bad guy.
Or at least, he doesn’t try to be. Of that, Jake’s pretty sure. Jake and Jeremy aren’t exactly ‘buds’ or ‘homies’ or anything of the sort—but they’re in the same friend group, and they have like, at least a little bit of overlap in a couple of ways.
For one: Dating. They both dated Christine, had a thing with Chloe and Brooke at one point, and they both really, really like Michael. So in terms of dating partners, they’re pretty damn near identical. (Except Jake’s dated like thirteen different girls, and Jeremy’s on his third partner total—but like, not bad for a guy who didn’t start dating until last September.)
But the thing is, aside from a few superficial similarities like taste in dates, they’re different in literally every other way imaginable.
Not just physically—with some, uh, pretty glaring melanin differences in addition to one of them having muscle mass whereas the other…doesn’t…—but emotionally and mentally.
Jake wouldn’t call himself insecure, for starters. He’s had a rough lot in life and maybe that comes with a price tag of never letting down his guard. But as far as he can tell, he’s pretty secure in his talents and abilities. He’s worked hard to be as good as he is, and there’s a reason he’s always been team captain or club president of most of the extracurriculars he does.
Jeremy, though—Jeremy not only has a million insecurities, but as far as Jake can tell, he absolutely lets them control him. Or, did, at least, pre-SQUIP, as it was kind of the thing that made him take that stupid pill. He’s not sure about post-SQUIP Jeremy yet. That guy remains a mystery, whereas he’s pretty sure that pre-SQUIP Jeremy was a pretty frustrating kind of person.
And Jake doesn’t want to make a judgment call and say that it makes Jeremy a bad person just because he had frustrating tendencies. Because even if Jake doesn’t really get it—the way that insecurities can chip away at you until you’re nothing but the things you hate most about yourself—he gets that there’s a general consensus that Jeremy isn’t, like, totally to blame for what he did.
But Jake also doesn’t really get why everyone is so willing to let Jeremy off the hook.
It’s probably because of the whole… mind-link, thing, but even then, Jake doesn’t get why he doesn’t have the same generally-warm feeling towards Jeremy when the others do.
Does it have something to do with Jake’s feelings for Michael? Probably. But it also has a whole lot to do with Michael’s feelings about Jeremy, and their relationship, and the fact that Jake seems to be the only one who can see that Jeremy’s choices hurt people past-tense, and continue to hurt people present-tense.
He doesn’t know if it’s just because he doesn’t know Jeremy that well and hasn’t put in much effort to hang out one-on-one with him, but damn, it’s hard to figure him out.
Maybe it’s not the smartest thing to do, but he decides to ask someone about it before he goes completely crazy from debating his feelings for Jeremy.
(Feelings being the non-romantic kind, obviously—but there’s a lot of feelings that a person can have for another person, and literally all of them have the potential to be confusing.)
Brooke is the first person he thinks of, and probably the best candidate. She had a bad experience with Jeremy, and yet, she still has… somewhat, sort-of, mostly warm feelings towards him. If anyone would be able to give him an answer for why it’s so easy for everyone else to get close to him and hang out, it’d probably be her.
So after a quick text-chain and phone-call, he and Brooke have plans to hang out on Sunday night.
When she comes over, it’s with a bag of what old-Jake would call ‘girl stuff.’
Like, about five different kinds of face masks, hair treatments, 15 different shades of nail polish, make-up supplies, teeth-whiteners, lip-stains, and probably five more things that Jake isn’t actually sure what they do despite his lengthy friendship with Brooke.
(At this point, he doesn’t actually want to know.)
Even if it’s not Jake’s first choice of hang-out materials, he can’t bring himself to mind.
After all, his extensive knowledge of being friends with Brooke Lohst tells him that she has a few things she does when she’s nervous, which involves either picking at her nail polish or putting a new coat on, as well as compulsively either doing face-masks or putting on makeup. And he probably could’ve phrased their texts and call a little better than, ‘hey can you come over so we can talk about something kind of serious?’
—f she’s nervous, it’s probably his fault.
(Additionally, her nervousness habit is legendary, for those who know what to look for. He’s pretty sure that every time she’s fought with Chloe, Brooke’s come to school sporting a fresh makeup look and a new nail polish color, and then after lunch she’s sporting another fresh set, and then yet another one if he saw her at a party later.
But like, there’s probably worse coping mechanisms, so he’s never commented on it. …But it is a pretty good sign that something’s wrong, if he sees her cycling through like five different Looks throughout the week.)
“So, you had something you wanted to talk about?” Brooke asks as she carefully puts on a base coat onto her nails. From what Jake can tell, she’s going for a sunset look, though he honestly has no idea how girls can mix nail polish colors and put a gradient onto their nails.
Jake, meanwhile, uses a clear-coat to smooth in the grooves that run down his nails. That way, it’ll be easier to put on a color on top of it. “Yeah. Um. About Jeremy, actually.”
“Aw, here I was thinking you called me over to talk about a crush,” she teases. When Jake doesn’t immediately respond, she tsks and reaches for a soft, pretty peach color. “Okay, okay, what’s up?”
It takes a moment for Jake to really figure out what he wants to say and how, but by the time he does, he’s already finished up painting one hand.
He brings it to his lips to blow on the clear-coat to let it dry faster. “Okay, so,” he starts, “Jeremy and… SQUIPs. Like. I’m not saying this to hate on him. But I just… I don’t get it.”
“Jeremy or SQUIPs, or Jeremy’s relation to the SQUIP?”
“Second one.”
Brooke nods. “Well. Um. You’re probably gonna have to be a little more specific? A lot of stuff happened and that, um, set of things could refer to a whole lot of things. Like, why did he get it, or how much was him versus the SQUIP, why’d he do what he did…”
“All of the above?”
“Mm.” Brooke bites the inside of her cheek as she concentrates on finishing up painting her pinky. “Well. Keep in mind that I’m not, like… a Jeremy expert. I dated, um, SQUIP-Jeremy even though I liked real Jeremy even before he was cool.”
“I can’t believe one of my best friends is a hipster.”
“OMG, just be serious for five minutes. Do you want to hear about this or not?”
“Alright, alright, yes.” Jake grins, then starts to get out a cotton ball and nail polish remover to get rid of a big, mostly-clear glob near one nail, but Brooke stops him before he can.
“Let it dry first or it’ll smudge super grossly if you touch a cotton ball. Cotton balls are only for when you wanna take all of it off, because there’s almost no way to only get a little off with a cotton ball so then you end up touching like, all your nails and getting little white fuzz in your polish all over, and it’s just—it’s super annoying, don’t do that to yourself.”
Jake pulled back his hand. “Jeremy?”
“Right, Jeremy,” she says, patting his hand and then reaching for a pretty yellow. “So… Anyways. I liked Jeremy but dated SQUIP-Jeremy because he seemed into me, and then I got my heart totally broken, so like, the point is, I don’t really know him that well. I’m not a Jeremy-expert. But, when our minds were linked, you know how like… we learned some stuff about each other? Like what we all most wanted right then? Well, it was like, pretty obvious that he was mostly just super, super insecure and he just wanted Christine to like him. You remember that part?”
“I guess?”
Brooke furrows her brows. “You… guess? Should we like, backtrack a little or something? What do you remember about being SQUIP’d? I don’t think we’ve ever talked about it, and nothing else is gonna make sense unless you think back to what it was like… Or, if you even had a similar experience to the rest of us.”
“I don’t remember a whole lot, to be honest.” Jake tries to think back to that night, and the very brief twenty minutes of being under the influence of a SQUIP. “I… remember that it, like, looked like a more badass version of me. But also kind of like Will Smith?”
Brooke tilts her head to the side. “Huh. Mine was Kim K.”
“I feel like that says a lot about you, Brookie.” Jake smiles, though it falls a little flat, and he starts painting his other hand with the clear-coat, speaking in low tones while he does. “But, um… So, I guess I mostly remember it saying stuff about how my casts don’t even matter, and it’d be way more impressive if I could just ignore the pain and get on with my life, with nothing slowing me down. If I could just like, walk, even if I was in casts. How I could go back to being a football star, and do archery and frisbee golf super easily with its help, and everyone would basically fuckin’ idolize me again. Like, it wouldn’t even hurt, and all I’d have to do was trust it and be the badass I always wanted to be.”
“That’s… really what it was promising you?”
“Well, yeah? Like, I’m sure it could’ve worked out a much cooler, long-term plan if I’d had it for more than twenty-fucking-minutes, but right then it needed something from me, right? Just how it needed you and Chloe to make up, or whatever?”
“Well, yeah, the whole… goals thing.” Brooke quirks her lips to the side. “That’s the reason it like… linked us, and let us know everyone’s goals. So we could know exactly what it, and we, needed to do in order to meet everyone’s desires while still helping Jeremy’s goal.”
Jake nods. “And like, that’s the thing I’m confused about,” he says, gesturing vaguely with the hand holding the nail-brush, before he realizes he’s going to drop polish on the carpet if he’s not careful. “SQUIPs are all about end-goals, right? And fulfilling what a person wants, deep down?”
“Yeah?”
“So… Jeremy’s was, what, to get Christine to like him, and to be popular?” When Brooke doesn’t immediately respond, he frowns and tries to continue reasoning it out. “And the issue at the play was basically… he still wanted the end-goals, but like, the way to achieve them stopped being okay with him. But he was allowed to fight back, sort of?”
“That’s what I mostly think, yeah.”
“So… What I don’t get is, like—” Jake’s well aware that he’s gotten onto a track that he didn’t anticipate getting onto. At the heart of things, he just wanted to ask about whether or not Jeremy was a decent person if his insecurities had caused so much chaos for everyone else, yet everyone else had already totally forgiven him. Still, this part has been bugging him for a while, if he’s being honest. He just doesn’t really get it the way everyone else seems to. “So he got the thing because he didn’t like himself, yeah? But why, like… why wasn’t his goal just to start liking himself better?”
Brooke tilts her head to the side. She’s quiet for a little while, then she carefully starts to put on the yellow polish, using a technique Jake can’t follow to mix the colors. “Why wasn’t your goal to bring your parents back and get rich enough to save them?” she asks instead. “I mean, SQUIPs can do almost anything, can’t they? So why wouldn’t you go with a goal that’d help people instead of one that was hurting your legs, and also one that was asking you to hurt Michael and Jeremy?”
Jake feels a little like he’s been slapped. “Because—it’s not like it was giving me all the facts, Brooke.”
She gives him a very knowing look, as if to say, duh, that’s the point.
“And,” he adds, just to get her to stop looking so smug, “And, it’s not like that’s what I was thinking of at that moment anyways. I was just thinking, wow, my legs hurt, wish that’d stop, and also the play was going to hell and like, dude, I’d given up archery for this, you know? I wanted the play to go well and Michael and Jeremy were ruining it.”
“And when Jeremy actually activated his SQUIP, the last thing he’d seen was Christine and you at the mall, on a date, and that upset him because he liked Christine.” She sounds a little too matter-of-fact, and Jake can’t help but frown. He remembers that moment, come to think of it; he’d thought Jeremy was having a seizure or something, but it makes way more sense if it was his SQUIP coming on. “His reason for getting it was because he was insecure, yeah, and because he wanted to be cool, or whatever. But right when he first took it, that was what he was thinking about, because he was like, sixteen and upset and insecure. Technology and brains are like… weird like that, I guess, because humans aren’t super rational or whatever, but the whole goal behind SQUIPs is helping you meet your goals and being a better person or whatever.”
Jake doesn’t really know what to say to that, especially since that’s the most he’s heard Brooke talk about a serious, science-y related subject in… ever, probably.
She seems to register that, and forces a laugh. “I mean, not that I spend that much time, um, researching it or anything. It’s just—like, it was totally crazy that everything happened, you know? And maybe I was kind of upset about Jeremy doing the stuff he did so I just… um…”
“It’s not like, weird to research it, Brooke,” Jake says. “I mean, I tried looking up SQUIPs online, too, afterwards. Found nothing, but that’s like, the point, right?”
“You can find it if you look hard enough and use code words,” Brooke says, eyes actually lighting up the tiniest bit. “There’s like a totally crazy amount of illegal products that people sell online pretending that they’re like, different products. I do a lot of, like, online shopping, and it’s kind of insane how many things you can get when you’re looking for something and know what to put in instead. Plus if you know how to like, work around a site’s code, you can find a lot of hidden stuff mixed in, and there’s definitely a few blogs about it that people under SQUIPs have made,” she says in a rush. Then, “But like, anyways—SQUIPs are… like… They’re really big on reminding you on what it is you want, to get you to keep going.”
“You had it for like, twenty minutes, Brooke. But like, you’re talking like you know from experience?”
“Because I talk to Jenna a lot,” she says slowly. “And I’m friends with Jeremy and Rich and sometimes we all—Jenna too—talk about what happened.” Jake can’t help but think that, given her tone, she thinks it’s weird that Jake doesn’t talk to people about last fall. “Plus, even when I did have mine, it was, um, pretty big on reminding me what I wanted…”
Jake wants to ask other things and get back on track for why he invited her over, but… he can’t help but be distracted. “So what did you want, anyways? The SQUIP didn’t… like, I don’t know, it made people’s goals sort of clear to me, but also not? I get the feeling that it didn’t really feel the need to share much with me.” He maybe feels bad about being so easily-manipulated, but he doesn’t really want to think about that now. “So, what was your goal?”
“I wanted Chloe to be a better person, and I wanted us to go back to being friends,” she says. “And Chloe wanted something similar? Like. She wanted to be a better person, and wanted to be friends. Like, I also wanted to date Jeremy but my SQUIP said I deserved better anyways, so… I don’t know, I think there was a vague promise that I’d meet my Prince Charming someday, or something like that… but right then, I was upset about being in the play with my best friend who treated me super badly all the time, so the SQUIP latched onto that and set it as my main goal, you know?”
Jake finally nods, the pieces sliding into place a little easier. “Huh.”
“Yeah, so… um, anyways. Do you get it now? Like, how SQUIPs work for most of us?”
“I guess, yeah.” He pauses, then, “But I guess I, uh… I was really wondering why it’s so easy for everyone to just… forgive and forget, with Jeremy.”
Brooke tilts her head to the side. “What do you mean?”
“Well… I know I was pretty nice to him right after we all got released from the hospital, right? Afterwards, when he wanted advice about Christine? We’d all kinda gone through some real shit together, and it was super easy to be friendly. But I just…” He rubs the heel of his hand against his forehead. “The more I think about it, and the more I’m like, ‘hey, I still had some free will, and obviously Jeremy had some free will sometimes, too, so what the hell, man, why did all that stuff happen?’ –You know?”
She blows on her nails for a moment, clearly chewing on what it is Jake is trying to say. “So… you’re basically asking, ‘why do you guys like Jeremy when he’s responsible for all of this?’”
“No? Yes? I don’t know.”
“Specific,” she says with a little bit of a laugh. She fidgets, then, and looks a little sad. “Well… I think he’s a really sweet guy under it all. And it’s like—it’s really easy to relate to him. I mean, I don’t let all of my fears control me or anything, but—we can’t all be you, Jake.”
Jake furrowed his brows. “Me?”
Brooke nods. “We’re not all so… so independent, and okay with whatever happens. We’re not all confident, or cool, or like, totally in charge of our emotions.” Jake stares at her for a moment, and Brooke looks away, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. “I’m not saying it to be mean, I’m just saying… I was in Chloe’s shadow all the time? And then Jeremy was there and he was someone who was insecure and in touch with his feelings and he thought I was the most amazing girl in the world—he didn’t even seem interested in Chloe at all. At least, it seemed that way. I know it was the SQUIP in hindsight, but like—he really seemed to get me, and think I was important.” She bites her lip, looking kind of sad. “You know what I mean?”
Jake does, actually, because he likes Michael because Michael is a helpful, sweet, endearing person who spends time with the people he cares about and isn’t afraid to be passionate about the things he likes.
“I guess,” Jake says instead, because Brooke probably expects it, given that he’s supposed to be ‘above’ all of this, or… something.
Brooke continues on, like she expected as much. “I think… most of us are willing to forgive him pretty easily because, like, Jeremy’s taking time to talk to us and we’re all talking about feelings and stuff. He and Jenna and I hang out like once every week or two, just to get to know each other a little better. Sometimes Rich comes, but Rich is a little more guarded about… feelings.”
Jake furrows his brows. “You… like, really do that, though?”
“The group thing? We’ve tried to invite other people before—you included—but most people decide not to come.” Brooke shrugs. “Michael’s tagged along a few times, but he kind of felt left out since he didn’t have a SQUIP, so mostly he just drops Jeremy off and picks him up.”
“Ah.”
Jake’s expecting the conversation to die there, since he’s pretty much gotten his answers.
Jeremy Heere is, by all accounts, lovable and forgivable because he’s been taking the time to endear himself to the others, and to apologize for past behavior. Noted. All the markers of a guy who’s willing to change for the better.
But then… If Jeremy’s supposed to be this really amazing guy, then why is Michael so unhappy with him?
“Hey, speaking of Michael and Jeremy,” Brooke says after a long moment of silence, with a tone of voice that suggests she’s not going to drop the subject very easily once she gets started, “Are you asking about SQUIPs because of them?”
Jake makes a bit of a face. “What?”
“You’re confused why people like Jeremy so much, and you’re also mooning over his boyfriend. I’m pretty sure the two are related. So, uh, don’t know if you know this, but most people have trouble liking their crush’s boyfriend, so it makes sense that you’re trying to find reasons to dislike him, even if it is kind of mean.”
“I don’t—that’s… that’s not why I’m asking,” he says, a little weakly. “I just… he bugs me a little, you know?”
“I know. Because you like his boyfriend,” Brooke says matter-of-factly. “And don’t worry about me telling Michael or Jeremy or anyone. I can keep a secret. It’s just… I really don’t want any of you guys getting hurt, you know? And someone’s going to get hurt if you make a move, or if Michael makes a move, or if you and Jeremy start fighting.”
Jake lets out a slow sigh. “I know.”
Brooke reaches over and gently pulls him into a hug. She’s careful of both their nails, and pats him on the back with her fingers spread wide so they don’t bump into anything. “It’s okay, Jake. I know how it feels to like someone who’s super into someone else. It’s not fun. But if you date someone while they’re super into someone else, it’s even worse, because you’re always gonna feel like you’re in second place.”
“You talking about dating Jeremy?”
Brooke laughs a little, then gives him a squeeze before pulling away. “Most of the guys I’ve dated. I’ve been cheated on more than once, you know?”
Jake gives her a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault. Just… it sucks, you know? No one wants to feel like they’re a second-stringer, or on the B-team, or whatever.”
“Yeah, I get it.” Jake’s not really used to the feeling, but when he thinks about Michael still dating Jeremy, he knows that Brooke’s right. It hurts, and it sucks, and he doesn’t really know how to make that feeling go away.
Brooke gives him a lopsided smile, before leaning forward to gently kiss his cheek. It’s platonic as anything, and they both know it, but it still feels pretty nice. Then she gently cups his other cheek, pulling away to get a better look at him. “There is one way to feel better, though, without giving up on Michael or trying to get him to break up with Jeremy.”
“There is?”
“Yeah,” she says, like it’s obvious. “You could actually sit down and talk with Jeremy about all of this.”
His immediate mental response is, Or, I could not do that, but he knows Brooke has a point. “I don’t think he likes me very much.”
“Yeah, because you like his boyfriend and Michael seems to like you a lot, too,” Brooke points out, and Jake ignores the way that phrase—Michael seems to like you a lot, too—makes his heart skip a beat. “Anyone would feel threatened.”
“I just don’t get how easy it is for you to like him,” Jake says honestly. “I mean, he cheated on you.”
“Once I learned all the facts, I was more mad at Chloe about that,” she counters. “I mean. Yes, I was upset that my boyfriend cheated. But my best friend literally tried to seduce my boyfriend, and from what I can tell Jeremy tried to say no…? I believe him, but Chloe was super drunk and I don’t think she really understood what she was doing. She’s really used to boys just wanting her no matter what, or I think she might’ve thought he was saying no to something else, I don’t know? But I’m super mad that of all the boys she could’ve used to make you jealous, she picked my boyfriend. So I don’t really blame him for what happened. I’m more mad at him for just…” She bites her lip. “I’m more mad at him for just trying to use me, when he never really liked me.”
“I take it he’s apologized for that?” Jake asks, because there’s no way Brooke would routinely hang out with someone who hurt her like that. She could be very standoffish when she wanted to be, which wasn’t a bad trait, really. Not when she only used it when she was rightfully upset.
Brooke nods. “More than once. He’s… really trying to be a better person, Jake.”
Her tone suggests something deeper, that Jake wasn’t expecting, and he can’t help but furrow his brows. “And do you still like him?”
Brooke looks caught, for a second, before picking up her nail polish and starting to apply another coat. “Well… I’m—I’m honestly not totally sure,” she admits. “I really shouldn’t. And he has a boyfriend. And it’s not like he’s the only guy I like right now, so…”
Jake raises his brows. “Wait, no, hold the phone, who all do you like?”
“It’s definitely more than one person,” she says, instead of giving a real answer. Then she relents and says, “But, um, maybe Rich, now that he’s more of a nerd and sometimes is emotional about things? And also, um, Jenna. But don’t tell anyone, please? I don’t actually think I want to date anyone right now, I’m just…”
“Just crushing a lot, no, I get it,” Jake says with a shake of his head. “All the people who had SQUIPs the longest, huh?”
Brooke blinks, like she hadn’t put that together before.
“Hey, we all got preferences,” Jake says with a grin. “Probably something to do with those late night emotional talks, huh?”
She pouts, then lightly swats at his shoulder. “Shut up, omg. It’s not my fault I have a thing for people who are in touch with their emotions and are kind of insecure.”
“So I take it you’re over me, then?”
“Please, like anyone could be over that face of yours,” Brooke teases. “Also, if I did, you’d still fit into my criteria.”
“Thought I was too cool and confident?”
“Well, like, you are. But there’s other stuff,” Brooke tries to explain. “You’re not open about it or anything, but I think I know you a little too well for you to pretend like you don’t care about any of what’s happened. Like, you really think anyone who knows you totally believes that you’re not affected by your house burning down, and your parents being MIA?”
Jake’s surprised by the sudden desire to ask her to leave. It’d just prove his point, if he asked her, but he can’t help but feel uncomfortable now.
“I don’t think…” Jake swallows. “I don’t, um…”
Brooke tilts her head to the side, then sits a little closer. Then she puts a finger over Jake’s lips, to get him to stop trying to correct her. “Two things, and then we can pretend like we never talked about this. Deal?”
Jake warily nods his head.
“One? I think you invite people over, or go other people’s houses a lot, to avoid being alone here,” she points out. “Even on weekdays, you’re willing to hang out with someone for hours after school, pretty much every day of the week.”
“I mean—it’s, I used to have more extracurriculars and stuff. It’s weird just being home.”
“I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m just saying, it’s something you might want to think about,” she says lightly. “And two, you’re not always a good judge of how you come across to people who know you well. You’re like, the biggest extrovert I know and you’re great at charming people, but man, you suck at hiding things. You’re a good guy, Jake, but you’re literally one of the easiest people to manipulate because you just… want to prove to everyone that you’re perfect.”
“Damn, just roast me, huh?” Jake tries to force a laugh, awkwardly pushing her hand away. But it’s pretty obvious that he’s a little hurt by her accusations.
“Oh, Jake…” Brooke sighs, then reaches out and cups his cheek. “I’m telling you this because I’m worried about you and no one else has the balls to ask you if you’re okay,” she says, and lightly pokes him in the chest, just barely avoiding smudging her polish. “Either they’re distant because of weird stuff that’s happened this last year, or they’re too busy with their own problems, or they just don’t know you well enough to realize that you’re not doing as well as you’re pretending.”
Jake winces. It’s not fair to his friends, it really, really isn’t, but he can’t deny that Brooke has at least 80% of a point.
She finishes it off by lightly tapping his chest again, this time more gently, and with more palm than finger. “…And even if the others won’t, you at least deserve to know that someone cares about you, you big, dumb jerk.”
“Really feelin’ the love.”
“You’d better be, because I have a whole plan b made up to really get you to see. Even made myself some notes on my phone. Do you want to read ‘em?”
“I think I’ll pass,” Jake says. There’s a small smile on his face, mostly unbidden. “And I think I’ll skip the heart-to-heart for now. You said if I heard you out we could pretend like we never talked about this—I’m taking you up on that.” Seeing her face fall, Jake’s quick to take hold of her hands, giving them a gentle squeeze. “It means enough for now that you’re like, willing to listen. Promise, if I feel like I need to spill everything, you’ll be my go-to. But I don’t really think I could handle totally falling apart right now. I mean, if I don’t keep me together, who will?”
Brooke returns the squeezes, though looks a little sad. “You’re just putting off the inevitable, but… if you’re really sure, Jake. Just don’t fall apart before you can come talk to me, okay?”
“Promise. Cross my heart. Only way you wouldn’t be my go-to is if someone else gets to me first.” Seeing the Look she gives him, Jake grins. “Hey, I don’t want to fall apart in front of anyone else if I can help it, but sometimes shit happens.”
“True.” Brooke finally pulls away, then blows on her nails one last time, still blessedly unsmudged despite all the risky hand-gestures and touches they’d been sharing. “Well. I guess if you’re really emotioned-out for the day, we could put something on and like, not think of anything serious for a couple hours?”
“…Deal.”
It’s not really satisfying, and the conversation for the rest of the night is kind of stilted. But it’s… something. It makes him feel something that he barely remembers how to feel. He’s just not totally sure what that feeling is, exactly.
--
“So, say I did go back to working on the SQUIP-script,” Michael says out of the blue. “How would we… like, define SQUIPs? As someone who’s had them, you seem like you’d know a little better?”
It’s not the question he’s expecting when he and Michael are playing back-to-back games of Mario Kart.
“They’re things that make it look like you can all you ever wanted if you just follow its instructions,” Jake finally says, after successfully curving around a particularly sharp turn. “…and they make it super, super easy to do the stuff you want to do. Like, mind over matter to the nth degree.”
“Really?” Michael asks. “I thought… That’s not what it sounded like when I was talking to Jeremy about it.”
“You could always sit in on one of Brooke’s like, meeting things,” Jake says. “She says you went to one or two?”
“Oh.” Michael sticks his tongue out a little, seemingly having trouble concentrating on his on-screen movement. “Yeah, those… I guess she and Jenna did kind of talk about that part of it, yeah. But they didn’t have it for near as long.”
“Jenna had hers for a few weeks, dude.”
“Right.”
Jake’s quiet for a few moments, before curiosity finally gets the best of him. “So like, why ask?” he finally says. “I mean. If you’re still abandoning the project, and all.”
It’s quiet again, and Jake’s starting to worry that he overstepped friend-boundaries by forcing Michael to maybe talk about feelings, something that Jake isn’t a fan of himself, so clearly no one else would like it either, right? But to his relief, Michael speaks up after a pretty weighty silence. “I don’t know. It’s just… Everyone’s had such different experiences with the SQUIP, but the one common factor is like, ‘it figures out what you want and then helps you go after it’, right?”
“Yeah, that’s… basically the whole thing it’s supposed to do for you. It’s just that teenagers are super bad at choosing things that aren’t objectively horrible.”
“Right, right.” Michael comes in first, predictably, then puts his controller down while Jake finishes up the race. Once they’re both done, Jake sets his aside, too, and Michael uses Jake’s undivided attention to sit a little closer. “It’s just… Was Jeremy’s… messed up, or something?”
“I don’t know what you mean? It seemed to have a pretty clear goal in mind.”
“Yeah, but… He clearly didn’t want that goal at the end.”
Jake purses his lips, then quirks them a little to the side. “No, that’s not it,” he says after a moment, expression still indecisive. “At least, I don’t think that’s it. When we were linked up, we all had a good sense of what other people wanted, and how our goals could fit into others’ goals. That way we could assist each other by prioritizing the right stuff, rather than getting in each other’s way.”
“Uh huh?”
“So… Jeremy’s goal was still to be popular, and well-liked, and date Christine.” When Michael’s face falls, Jake reaches out and puts a hand on Michael’s knee. “I mean! It’s not, like—Okay, hear me out. He still had those goals, yeah. It’s just that there was a really big conflict of other stuff that came up. The rest of us could feel it, that’s why we were pressuring him so much, ‘cause our SQUIPs were all like ‘hey, make sure Jeremy doesn’t fuck this up for the rest of us and all our dreams will come true’, you know?”
Michael looks like he very much does not know, but Jake tries to push past it.
“Anyways, so like, the big conflicts with Jeremy were that one, he didn’t like the idea of SQUIPping other people without their consent,” Jake says. “And two, he liked Christine for Christine, not SQUIPstine.”
The play on words gets a weak laugh out of Michael, but at least it’s something. “Just those two?”
“Mainly, yeah. He was super upset that the SQUIP had taken control of his body to distribute the SQUIPs. Though I think Jenna had something to do with it, too, come to think of it; she definitely helped.” Jake drums his fingertips against the bedspread. “And you know the whole thing about Jeremy giving Christine Mountain Dew Red as one of his biggest acts of free will while being SQUIP’d. I mean, it’s not like it’s supposed to ever be 100% in control anyways, you’re supposed to have some level of free will no matter what, from what I can gather. It’s just like… better at arguing than teenagers, you know?”
“Right.” Michael looks conflicted, then leans back to lie down fully on his bed. “I guess that makes sense.” He sighs through his nose, looking at the ceiling like maybe it holds all the answers to the many, many questions he has. After a moment of silence, he stretches his fingertips upwards, making a vague gesture of helplessness. “I guess I just wish I knew how much free will a person has while they’re on it. …You know, for the play.”
“Right, for the play,” Jake says, trying to humor him. “You can write it a lot of ways, though. I mean… sympathetic protagonist who’s being totally manipulated against his will and is fighting back with all his power, or still-mostly-sympathetic protagonist who slowly goes down a dark path. Like Hamilton. And Hamlet.”
“Right, Hamlet. Should I just make the play a futuristic SQUIPpy re-do of Hamlet?”
“I mean, if you want?” Jake moves to lie down as well, lounging on his side and propping his head up on his palm, elbow supporting his weight. “I guess it’d sort of kind of fit. But the Lion King’s already a popular movie and Broadway show, and it’s kind of a retelling of Hamlet already.”
“Shit, you’re right.” Michael groans, then grabs a pillow and holds it over his face. “UGH.”
Jake reaches over and lightly pats his chest. “There, there?”
“I can’t believe I’m a washed-up scriptwriter and I’m literally still in high school.”
“Mid-life crisis at 17, you’re truly a Gen Z kid.” Jake grins, then gently tugs the pillow away from Michael. “C’mon, though. Just… examine Jeremy’s, uh, actions, and try to figure out where he falls on that hero-antihero continuum. I mean, the first lines you ever had me record was him basically admitting that he took his SQUIP out of selfish purposes, right? It seemed like you had a pretty clear idea of what you wanted his role to be back then.”
Michael looks a little guilty, peering up at Jake from behind his glasses. “I was upset because Jeremy and I were fighting,” he says, but it sounds more like an excuse than a solid explanation. “I can’t just… base a whole plot around how I was feeling at the time…”
“You sure did base a lot of your Zombies Janitors vs Corporations play on your emotions back then,” Jake fires back. When he sees the slightly hurt look in Michael’s eyes, he winces. “Sorry. That-… I didn’t mean to overstep. Just, I kind of figured, with when it was written, and…”
“I mean, you’re not wrong.” Michael pulls the pillow down to his chest, hugging it tightly and staring up at the ceiling. “I was like… Totally alone, for a couple of weeks. If it wasn’t for my moms, I don’t know what I would’ve done.”
It hurts to see Michael look so vulnerable, but Jake doesn’t try to shut him down. Instead, he just reaches over and gently runs a hand through Michael’s hair. It’s probably too intimate for just-friends, but Jake doesn’t want him to think that he’s not listening. “You had every right to be upset about… about everything that happened. It was a lot of bullshit.”
“Yeah.” Michael’s answer isn’t exactly reassuring. “I just… he hasn’t really, totally apologized, you know?”
Jake furrows his brows. “What?”
“Just—he hasn’t. Not about how it affected me, anyways. Saying ‘I’m sorry I got a SQUIP’ isn’t the same as ‘I’m so sorry I traded in our friendship to be cool and ignored you and left you totally isolated for weeks on end and then insulted you the one time I could actually see you,’” Michael says quickly, like he’s scared the words won’t come if he doesn’t get them out right this second. “…And I don’t expect him to apologize for that, now that it’s been months. But… I was hoping he would. It’s gonna be summer break soon, and I just feel like we haven’t really… Like…”
When Michael trails off, Jake scoots a little closer and leans over him, looking at those pretty brown eyes of his. Michael’s not really looking back, though, instead keeping his gaze on the ceiling. “Like?” Jake fills in. “What haven’t you been?”
“We got together pretty quick after he realized he liked the idea of Christine better than her herself.” Valid; it tended to happen when you had a huge crush on someone but had had maybe four conversations with that person, tops. “Which like, didn’t take too long, right? They dated for maybe three weeks after Christmas. And then Jeremy and I were together by President’s day. Right?”
“Sounds about right, yeah,” Jake said, furrowing his brows. The second semester of his junior year was almost over, now, but he could distinctly remember a few weeks in January when Jeremy and Christine were together—and then within the same month, Jeremy and Michael were the new It Couple.
Jake’s more focused on memories of Michael in March, though, when they were starting to get close. When Jake still had his leg braces and still had to go to physical therapy.
And man—Jake is starting to realize why people love spring so much. Sure, there’s allergies and temperamental weather where it’s freezing in the morning and way too hot by the afternoon—but everything’s coming to life, and…
And for his interpersonal life, Michael’s been amazing.
“So like… he and I have been together for a couple of months now, now that it’s May,” Michael finally says. “And it’s been like, a full six months since Halloween. So I figure, if I haven’t… Like, if we haven’t talked about this stuff yet, then we’re just never going to. The SQUIPs were destroyed by the end of the Christmas play, you know? And now it’s almost summer. There’s really just like, two more weeks of classes…”
Which reminds Jake, just a little, of the party looming at the edge of next week. A celebration for being almost done with school, and a time to say goodbye to seniors who were graduating and didn’t have to come to school the last week of classes.
Jake’s stomach flips at the very thought of graduating, even though it was a year away.
But fortunately Jake doesn’t have to focus on it right now, and has a convenient excuse of focusing on Michael instead. And it isn’t exactly hard, since Michael is right here, and solid, and the easiest person in the world to spend time with.
Brooke words came to him from last night’s conversation, and he smiles a little sadly at Michael. “Have you, uh, talked to Jeremy about this?”
Michael gives him a Look, before putting his hands on his face, tucking his fingers behind his glasses and covering his eyes. “No,” he admits, voice a little like a wounded cow. “I just don’t want to start anything. We just got out of an argument, the last thing I want is to like, start another one.”
“I mean, it makes sense, I guess. Chloe and I argued all the time,” Jake says. “But then we’d just break up until we were ready to be together again. So I dunno, man, I’m probably not the guy to ask when my advice is usually just ‘dump them’.”
Michael parts his middle and ring fingers, making the Star Trek ‘Live Long and Prosper’ sign on both hands and peeking through the gap in his fingers. (And wow, would past Jake laugh at him for knowing that.) “I don’t want to dump him just because he hasn’t apologized… It’s been over for like, ever.”
“And I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be, like, thrilled that you’re not happy and that you’re still upset over what happened last fall,” Jake points out. “I dunno what type of not-happy he’d be, but if he really likes you as much as he says he does, then damn, Michael, I don’t know why he’d want you walking on eggshells around him.”
“But what if he thinks getting together was an apology enough?”
The fingers are back to being closed, and Jake is almost grateful, because without Michael’s brown eyes distracting him, it’s easier to focus on the sheer ridiculousness of that statement.
“Uh, excuse me?”
“You heard me. What if like—he just… Like, he got together as his apology to me?”
“Then that’s some absolute bullshit,” Jake says definitively. He gently takes hold of Michael’s wrists, then slowly coaxes them away from his friend’s eyes. “You… really think that he’d just be with you because he feels guilty or something?”
Michael bites his lip, but doesn’t answer.
“Michael… Damn. I-I really wish I could like, tell you one way or another, man, but I don’t know him well enough to say for sure.” When Michael looks the tiniest bit crestfallen, Jake can’t help but panic a little. He places Michael’s hands over his middle, then tenderly folds Michael’s hands into each other. Then he cups both of Michael’s cheeks to coax the other boy to look up at him. “Look, all I can say is that you’re an awesome guy and literally anyone would be so, so lucky to have you. I’ll, uh, do my best to be happy for you if Jeremy and you work it out,” he says, then plows on ahead before Michael can ask why he’d have to ‘do his best’ instead of just being happy. “—And I’ll be happy enough if you decide that you want a break from him to figure things out. I just want to see you stop being so… Confused and worked up about all this. You know?”
Michael’s face feels hot under his hands.
Jake has to try really, really hard not to think about that, and why it might be.
On one hand, maybe he just thoroughly embarrassed his friend. But on the other…
Jake’s thumb gently slides up and down the apple of one of Michael’s cheeks, appreciating the soft skin underneath.
If this were anyone else, Jake wouldn’t care that Michael had a boyfriend—he’d just go for it, and kiss him. But this isn’t just anyone. It’s Michael. The first person who really made him feel seen. And if Michael just wants to be friends, then—
“I think he and I need to take a break.”
Jake’s heart skips a beat.
“You— What?”
“Or, you and I—someone. Both. I don’t know. Fuck.” Michael’s face feels hotter than before, and he huffs out a breath. “I… I don’t know what I should do here, Jake. This isn’t fair to Jeremy, though. Or… Or you. And I think you know exactly what I mean.”
Jake feels his heart sink.
He pulls away, hands coming off of his friend’s face. Jake moves to sit next to him instead, knees pulled up to his chest.
“Right,” he chokes out. “I, yeah. That makes sense. Sorry if it seemed like I was… like I was pressuring you.” This isn’t the confirmation he wanted, that Michael likes him more than a friend. This is his nightmare version of that confession. “I just… really like you, Michael. I thought I could just… not press the issue. But I guess I gave myself away.”
The expression on Michael’s face is one of the most heartbroken things he’s ever seen.
Jake feels like he’s just kicked a puppy.
He imagines his own face is pretty similar.
“…I should get going,” Michael finally says. Then, he slowly gets up off the bed and moves towards the door. He hesitates, though, before he can actually exit. Then he reaches for Jake’s hand and gently squeezes it, and—
And then Michael leans in.
And.
It’s not a proper kiss.
But it’s on the cheek, and warm, and gentle, and everything Jake had hoped it would be.
Michael pulls away with a conflicted expression on his face. Then, without a word, and without letting Jake say anything, Michael leaves.
Jake sits back on the edge of his bed.
The hollow, cold feeling in his chest won’t be going away any time soon. That much he already knows.