Chapter Text
The days blend just like so for the next month or so. It’s just constant practicing and making sure that they won’t make mistakes of the 5 membered formations. They have a lot of rest days too, which is where Minhyun just stares into space and gives himself time to think about everything. During one of these days, Guanlin messages him to hang out and Minhyun feels relieved that he can have a small escape from this situation.
He has almost slipped the whole “I’m not sure if I’m in the right universe” a handful of times to the other members that it stresses him out. Sometimes he would catch himself humming or dancing the choreography of a Wanna One song not yet released and the members would ask what he was doing and he’d have to scramble to think of a believable lie. There have also been times where he would be talking to one or all of them and bring up a story that a certain member did and be questioned about when that ever happened. It makes Minhyun feel like he should just keep his mouth shut all the time, but that’s hard for someone like him.
Minhyun arrives first at the restaurant and he feels himself getting a bit antsy as he waits for Guanlin. He originally was going to message Guanlin first to hang out because he missed the boy, but he’s had a lot on his mind that he forgot to, so he’s grateful that Guanlin ended up messaging first.
“Minhyun hyung!” Guanlin yells as he walks over to the table, grabbing a seat in front of the older, “I’m sorry I’m late. I got a little lost.”
Minhyun smiles looking at one of the members he grew quite fond over in Wanna One, “Don’t worry about it. How have you been?”
Guanlin glances at the menu as he speaks, “I’m alright. Just a bit tired getting back into the trainee life. Korean lessons and what not. Dancing is tiring.”
The older laughs at his response. He calls the waiter over and they order their meals. They chat about what they’ve been up to more specifically until the owner turns on the TV. It’s a korean music updates show and they announce Wanna One’s debut coming soon. They play clips from the finale show including teary Jonghyun. Minhyun and Guanlin are both silent as their eyes are glued to the TV that they don’t even notice when the waiter comes by with their food. The show switches topics to talk about a different group and they both turn to each other with awkward smiles.
“I miss them a lot,” Guanlin sighs, grabbing his chopsticks from the table drawer.
Minhyun nods, “Me too. We all got pretty close.” It’s funny because Minhyun isn’t even thinking of their Produce 101 memories, but their memories as Wanna One.
“It feels a bit lonely now if I’m honest. Seonho doesn’t have a phone anymore so I can’t talk to him and the other trainees treat me differently, like I’m a senior because of the TV exposure.” Guanlin swirls his chopsticks in his soup, with a blank stare before he looks back up at Minhyun, “That’s why I messaged you, hyung. I was a bit scared though because I didn’t wanna disturb you if you were busy.”
The older shook his head, “You shouldn’t be scared. I care a lot about you and you would never disturb me. If I’m busy, I’ll find time and let you know.”
Guanlin smiles, shoving some food in his mouth. He chews for a bit but then he stops, staring at his food with a blank look. Minhyun furrows his brows in confusion, but before he tries to ask what’s wrong, the younger looks up at him with a hesitant smile.
“I can tell you anything, right?”
Without hesitation, Minhyun responds, “Of course. Is there something wrong?”
Guanlin avoids eye contact as he thinks, pursing his lips as there’s obviously something heavy on his mind. Minhyun waits patiently, not pressing him for an answer.
“I’m scared you’re going to think I’m crazy,” Guanlin bites his lip as he hears Minhyun take a breath to speak.
“It’s obvious that this isn’t something minor and it’s been bothering you.” Minhyun holds Guanlin’s hand reassuringly, “I’m always open ears for you. I don’t care what it is.”
The younger nods, staring at Minhyun’s side of the table and not making eye contact, “Thanks, hyung. I’m gonna tell you, but don’t say anything until I’m done speaking.”
Their relationship may not be the longest, but Guanlin knows he loves Seonho. In a foreign country without any family, Seonho feels like home to him. Some people would get annoyed with how Guanlin stutters and constantly messes up his Korean, but Seonho, from rhe day they met until now, has always been patient with the foreigner, correcting him when necessary. Seonho cares so deeply about Guanlin and he can feel it.
He’s known since even before the Produce 101 finale how worried Seonho is about Guanlin being in Wanna One. Yes, the episode before that Guanlin was 20th and Seonho was a higher rank, but before that Guanlin was the “superstar” as Seonho likes to say. He ranked a good amount higher that they knew it was a high probability that Guanlin was going to get in and Seonho wasn’t.
Since the moment Guanlin walked into the company until the finale, Seonho has always been by his side, guiding and caring for him. Even when they were in separate teams throughout the show, Guanlin always had Seonho to rely on whenever things got rough. Of course, he was there for Seonho too because Seonho also stressed out. They were there for each other and this would be the first time that this wouldn’t be the case.
This is when Guanlin realized he became too dependent on Seonho. It is especially hard when he didn’t have his phone. Preparing for their debut with ten other people that he knows in his heart that are better than him hurts his self confidence tremendously, so that plus feeling like he has no one there for him breaks him.
Guanlin loves his hyungs, he swears. Jihoon is sweet, Daniel is fun, Minhyun is dependable, he can go on and on. However, the connection isn’t there like it is with Seonho that he becomes afraid to open up.
This leads to his thoughts swarming and turning dark.
He starts to feel like a burden to Seonho.
It starts off small once he gets his phone back. He realizes that with his hectic schedule and Seonho’s small activities, he constantly breaks his promise to talk or Seonho will have to wait a long time for him to get home. Sharing the big room with four other members stresses Guanlin out too as he’s afraid he’s bothering them when he talks on the phone to Seonho inside. Someone’s always being noisy in the living room so he can’t even try to go there and going anywhere else is off limits.
Seonho tells him time after time that it’s okay and that he doesn’t mind but Guanlin refuses to believe it. It frustrates him because he’s the older one and he should be the one taking lead and being in charge of this relationship. With this, plus all his thoughts of being a less talented member of Wanna One, he more and more feels lackluster.
It’s easy to hide this attitude of his because everyone knows Guanlin’s Produce 101 antics. Him trying his best to do best and coming up with innovative ideas is what garnered attention towards him. He really had a drive to become a better person, but the stress weakened that initial drive. During Wanna One practices, he does work hard and try his best, but the intentions go from wanting to be a better performer to not wanting to be a bigger burden on his members.
It’s absolutely terrible and he knows it, but despite acknowledging his problem, he can’t find a way to break out of it.
Right before they come back with Beautiful, Guanlin starts feeling like he is getting close to his members, in particular, Minhyun.
It is no way intentional on his part. Minhyun just will not stop bothering him to talk or hang out that he has no choice. He can’t possibly say no to Minhyun.
He finds himself feeling a bit more comfortable and everything feels slightly better. Yes, comeback preparation is stressful as before, but he starts to open up to Minhyun about it a little. He asks Minhyun whenever he can’t get a part right for advice. Asking for help before felt like he was slowing everyone down and a burden, but going to Minhyun didn’t feel that way.
When he confides in Minhyun about feeling lackluster in the team, Minhyun reassures him that he’s not. Guanlin, not wanting this to be a one way street, wants to tell Minhyun that he’s always here for Minhyun too if he ever just needs someone to listen to, but he’s scared of rejection.
The younger isn’t stupid. He knows something is going on with Minhyun. Everyone in the group can tell, but Guanlin thinks that Minhyun will tell him when he’s ready.
When Guanlin hears the fight between Seongwoo and Minhyun, he feels like absolute garbage. It obviously seems that Minhyun has had strong emotions pent up inside him for a while as he has never heard him sound more aggressive in his life. Guanlin feels like maybe he should’ve expressed that he is always there for Minhyun. Maybe he should have asked Minhyun if he was okay. He should’ve done something instead of just having their friendship be a one way street. It feels frustrating and that word pops into his head again.
Lackluster.
It rings in his head and it doesn’t help that he’s sitting in the living room, listening to Jihoon and Woojin argue about the choreography that he hasn’t gotten down at all. He doesn’t want to listen to them talk, but he left his earphones in the room and Jaehwan told everyone to let Minhyun have some alone time for a bit. Going into Jisung’s room is not an option because he’s probably having a talk with Seongwoo and third wheeling Daehwi and Jinyoung would be hell.
More and more people join the argument, all having different interpretations of the choreography and Guanlin just stays quiet. They try asking Guanlin, but Guanlin decides to get out of the conversation by saying he has to call Seonho. He figures Minhyun has had enough alone time, well, he hopes. After knocking on the door, there’s no response so he enters. The room is dark and he walks over to Minhyun’s bed and he can hear soft snores thankfully. Getting into bed, he texts Seonho.
To: Yoo are Mine [01:28am]
hi, can I call you soon?
To: Guanlin-ie! [01:30am]
sure, i’m not doing anything anyway so just call when ur ready
Guanlin hesitates, not sure if he should be dumping all this on Seonho again. He looks at his contact, his finger hovering over the call button. Without him even realizing, the tears fall down his eyes. Everything just feels so stressful, but he still manages to call his boyfriend. Once he hears his voice, however, he can’t find the words to say and just cries.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” Seonho asks softly.
“I don’t know why I’m feeling so pained right now, but I am,” Guanlin’s voice trembles heavily, “I just look at everyone around me and they’re so good. They all have been practicing for much longer than me and it’s hard when I see them get a dance or a rap down right that I struggle so much on. I feel like I don’t deserve to be in such a talented and well-loved group.”
“Don’t say that. You’re amazing and you’ve done so well so far. You’re doing your best and that’s all that matters.”
Guanlin knows Seonho is trying to make him feel better, but he just feels pathetic. He just doesn’t feel like his words can be real. Seonho has to be buttering up. That’s the only explanation.
“You’re just saying that because you’re my boyfriend,” the older boy sniffles as Seonho replies. “Guanlin, I truly believe every word I say. The fact that I’m dating you doesn’t waiver my opinions. I love you.”
There’s silence for a few moments before Guanlin speaks again a lot softer than earlier, “I love you too. I just get so worried that I’m dragging everyone down. I worry if I’m saying the right words because I’m not fluent in Korean yet. I worry if they secretly hate me because they wish someone else was in the group and not me! I worry so much and it destroys me. It’s just so hard and hurts my heart because I can’t help but think this way. It’s so toxic and I’m scared to tell hyungs because I don’t want to burden them with my emotions. I don’t want to hear them say ‘it’s okay’ and ‘you’re wrong, Guanlin’ because I feel like I’ll never believe them. It just sucks you’re not here beside me through it all.”
“You know I’m always a phone call away.”
Guanlin knows that. He knows that he can always talk to Seonho, but sometimes he doesn’t feel like that’s the same. Sometimes he needs someone to physically be there for him especially with him constantly being busy. He thought he had Minhyun at least, but that doesn’t feel like the case anymore.
“It’s not the same, babe,” Guanlin’s voice quivers, “I can’t cry into your arms when life gets tough like how it was when we were training together. I can’t feel comforted just by being your arms. I can’t hear you whisper sweet nothings into my ear like you used to. You’re not here and it hurts because I miss you sooo much.”
“Well, where are you now? We’re not that far apart. I can get a taxi and be by your side and we can–”
“Wait, no. Don’t.” Guanlin interrupts as the thought of Seonho coming over and potentially bothering his members comes to mind.
“W-what?” He can hear how taken aback Seonho is but he doesn’t have a choice.
“Don’t come, please.”
“Guanlin, I want to be here for you and you obviously need someone there for you right now. It’s not too hard for me to come over.”
He thinks about it for a moment. He should probably be honest and tell Seonho that him coming over is not the right time because of the Minhyun/Seongwoo situation but saying that when Minhyun is in the room (even if he’s asleep) doesn’t feel right.
“I don’t want to burden you like this. I shouldn’t have even called. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say sorry. You’re not burdening me! I love you so much and I only want the best for you.”
Guanlin takes a deep breath, “I love you too, but I think it was a mistake to call. I think I just… need to be alone for a while.”
He hangs up before Seonho can even say anything. Immediately, he turns off his phone and sighs. That didn’t go as planned. He should’ve approached that situation better but he couldn’t make up his mind of what he wanted. Guanlin feels burdened of how loving Seonho is, he feels undeserving. But at the same time, Guanlin oh so desperately needs his boyfriend to be there for him because he knows he has no one else.
If he’s honest, he wishes that he never made it into Wanna One. It would’ve been a lot better mentally for him and he knows that if Seonho was in the top 11 and not him, Seonho would’ve killed it and done 100 times better than him. His boyfriend is fluent in Korean, he’s confident and charming, and gets along easily with other people and it’s all the things Guanlin feels like he’s not.
Eventually, Guanlin falls asleep and the next day he wakes up in the Cube dorm. No alarms to wake up early, no hyungs yelling at him, no stress of being a burden, but still very alone.