Chapter Text
x.
If anyone asked Dazai what sore of dire circumstances led him to fake his own death, his response would be limited only to two options:
a.) he'd done it out of love;
b.) meaning it's stupid, because Dazai had literally no fucking clue what it means to love.
Dazai had convinced himself that no, it would be okay, because Chuuya was used to him anyway and will probably forgive his shitty ass when this is all over.
Dazai's predictions are never wrong.
...right?
xi.
"I think you should call your boyfriend, Dazai." Kinikida murmured, writing away at his cursed notebook. "He's probably worried sick."
Dazai picked at his newly-applied bandages, humming to himself while he imagined all the sorts of look on Chuuya's face, especially after that call. Okay, so maybe a part of him was scared. He couldn't believe that the last person he thought of calling was the chibi, of all people, and he couldn't even bring himself to ask for help because he was too relieved hearing Chuuya's voice at the other end of the line - no, too fucking fond of the redhead's sleepy voice, as if he didn't get to hear it every day already.
I'm going to die, Chuuya, was what Dazai wanted to say, and yet it comes out as it's your lucky day and the next thing he knows he's telling Chuuya about some damned package he should just accept without getting pissed off or throwing it away.
Dazai's eyes widened.
"Kunikida, did you inform that president that I made it out alive?" Dazai practically yelled, because timing was crucial and hell will freeze over if Kunikida hadn't -
"Well, we didn't really expect Yosano to be able to come here on such a short notice. By now he'd have assumed we both exploded, gunned down, or tortured. " the megane rattled off, too tired to be bothered with Dazai’s shit. "But I should be able to contact him before breakfast - "
"Contact him now."
Kunikida whipped towards Dazai, and the brunette immediately regretted using that tone of voice on him - of Port Mafia’s Executive Dazai. He schooled his features to a sheepish smile, attempting to placate the algebra teacher.
Of course, Kunikida gave in, until Yosano came bustling in on their room with a victorious smile on her face.
"You wouldn't believe what sort of shit went down at the agency."
Dazai's blood ran cold.
"What do you mean?" It was Kunikida who spoke for him.
The lady doctor, whom Dazai owed his life to countless times, looked nowhere near the angel everyone thought her to be. She flashed Dazai a wicked smile, one that promised hacksaws and torture the demon prodigy wouldn't even dream of doing, as she said, "Your boyfriend thinks you're dead, Dazai. And the president just finished him off by giving him that."
An image flashed in Dazai's mind: of Chuuya staring mindlessly at the ring Dazai got custom made for perfection, eyes wet with tears knowing that the man who's supposed to slip the ring in his finger, would never make it back home.
(And that's assuming that Chuuya says yes, but Chuuya loves Dazai anyways so of course he'll say yes. He has to.)
(That, and because Dazai literally have no backup plans in case the redhead turns him down. He just...refused to consider it as an option.)
"What are you going to do, Dazai?" Yosano asked. "If you come back now, it means you have to tell him the truth about the rings."
"You weren't planning on proposing until the next five years, aren't you?" Kunikida snidely remarked, and this time, in a strange turn of events, Dazai was the one to shoot him a glare while the megane hummed away, smirking.
If it's gotten to the point that Kunikida could tease him with a smirk, then he's fucked.
More than that, at least according to Fukuzawa-san, he's dead.
xiii.
"Are you sure this will work, Dazai-san?"
"Come now, Atsushi-kun. Don't you have faith in me ~ ?"
"Exactly, jinko. This is Dazai-san we're talking about."
"But Akutagawa! This is Chuuya-san we're talking about!"
"...oh."
"Fair point as that may be, Atsushi-kun, you and I both know your mother can't kill you. You're shin soukoku, his pride and joy."
"And you're the love of his life, Dazai-san, which means, if he finds out you're not dead, he's going to kill you all over again."
"So what? It's win-win for me, either way."
"...oi, jinko. You're missing the point."
"The point where we get caught in the crossfire and face Chuuya-san's wrath?"
"No, jinko. Dazai-san called Chuuya-san our mother. If Dazai's plan works, and they get married for real..."
"I knew it. You're only after Dazai-san's last name."
xiv.
"I'm sorry." The chibi whispered, voice broken. There was the sound of the mic dropping - then silence.
Dazai steeled himself not to open his eyes and run after Chuuya, to hug him and tell him that it's alright, hat rack, I never left - anything to chase away the insurmountable grief and sorrow in those two words, which made up Chuuya's final words to Dazai. He knew the mafioso wanted to say so much more, had been racking his head to give Dazai that damned perfect eulogy (and he memorized Dazai's request per word, too. It took everything in the brunette not to leap up the casket and cover him in kisses), but somehow he choked up and just left, which wasn't supposed to happen.
Chuuya was supposed to enrapture the audience with his tearful speech, admit that Dazai did have an awesome fashion sense, brag about his partner and how no one else could've taken up the other half of soukoku, tell Dazai he loved the brunette, bandages and all - and only then would Dazai leap up the casket and cover him in kisses.
He didn't expect to hear this shit from his colleagues, Port Mafia and Armed Detective Agency alike.
"This is your fault, Kunikida! You threatened him with your current partner status!" Yosano accused, her voice carrying out the whole venue.
"Why in the world do I have to threaten Nakahara Chuuya? Don't you see I respect the man for being able to put up with that bandage wasting freak? "
"So...this isn't a love triangle drama?"
"If there's going to be a love triangle drama," Ozaki Kouyou intervened, "It's going to be those two and Dazai's drinking buddy, Oda. He was always the subject of Chuuya's complaints."
"Ah, Oda-kun." Mori-san's voice echoed wistfully. "He was a great man."
Bullshit, Dazai gritted his teeth, determined to rise now more than ever if only to throttle the old man.
"What happens now, Dazai-san?" Atsushi's voice rang out in the chaos, and Dazai estimated the man-tiger should be a few meters off his left.
"Jinko. You go after Chuuya-san.” It was Akutagawa, just a few meters shy away from Atsushi.
Now if there was one thing Dazai prided himself on, was his ability to play dead for a ridiculous amount of time - a feat only limited to the demon prodigy of Port Mafia. But in that moment, all he could think off was where exactly the chibi has run off to, whether he was on his way now to follow Dazai -
"Why me? He'll kill me with his...gravity thing!" Atsushi rambled, but it's not like he had no reason to fear the hat rack.
"Judging Chuuya-san, he's more of a threat to himself than to anyone else."
Dazai's eyes snapped open.
He was met with Akutagawa's dead-eyed stare, still the same boy he'd picked up and dragged to the Port Mafia many years ago, but maybe now the boy was a little softer, and a lot more worried. "He was binging on alcohol before I got him here, Dazai-san. I think..."
"We, um, may have overplayed the acting a little bit." Atsushi finished; his voice small.
Dazai's throat went dry. Seriously, did that chibi really believed he was dead?
"We don't know that." Akutagawa said, exasperated, ever the first to jump in Dazai's defense. He began pushing his former mentor back in the casket, more frantic now. "Chuuya-san could still come back anytime, and if he sees this - "
"We're going to die," Atsushi-kun whined, clawing at his face for the second time that day. "I don't want to die, Dazai-san! Unlike you, I have so much left to do!"
"...you'll just binge on more chazukes, aren't you?" Akutagawa deadpanned.
"No, I literally have so much left to do, since Dazai-san never writes his reports and never does his job. Although that works too, I guess."
"Can you please stop about me like I'm already dead?" Dazai sighed, glancing over at the ruins of what should've been the most expensive, luxurious and first-class funeral he would ever get.
"But you are supposed to be dead, Dazai-san." Akutagawa reminded him.
This time Dazai did step out of his casket, reddish-brown eyes sweeping over the mess, silently cursing his former and current colleagues for being unable to follow at least one, simple order.
Behave.
If they can't do that on their own, then Dazai would have to make them heel -
"Um...Dazai-san?" Atsushi choked out, pointing a crooked finger at the middle of the mess, where Chuuya stood a good few meters away from Dazai, eyes wide with shock.
"I...I can explain, chibi." Dazai blurted out, a little high-pitched.
"You. are. so. fucking. dead."
xv.
"I'm not fucking around, you shitty mackerel! What's going on, why are you - "
Dazai dropped his phone, crushed it with his feet, and smiled at the Demon Fyodor.
"You're stupid, you know that?" The demon mused, nonchalant at Dazai's antics, but Dazai saw the shock rippling through the man's twig of a body, because demon as he may be, so was Dazai.
"What's stupid?" Dazai smirked, blood dripping through his mouth, because as far as he knew, he had no regrets.
"You could've used that call to ask for help." The demon crossed his arms, eyes cold. "One tip about your location and your partner would've been here, and this place would already be in ashes."
"And give you the chance to kidnap him?" Dazai shook his head. "I may be stupid, but I'm not an idiot, Dostoevsky. I knew you were itching to have him since Lovecraft."
Dazai would never forget the thrill of that night; of pulverizing his enemies with Chuuya after so many years. It shocked him, because he had no idea that the redhead still trusted him that much after all this time, but it was the night that built their bridges back together – the alliance forged along with the desire to finish business.
"You and I both know that won't be possible without you, Dazai-kun. Of course, it's a different story if I wished to extract the god from its vessel -"
"Exactly why you'll freeze your ass off...waiting for help that will never come." Dazai sputtered. Around them, the demon's headquarters was silent, the flurry of activity halted to the Armed Detective Agency's attack.
"Should I not say the same to you, hm, Dazai?"
"I never planned to ask for help, demon."
"So you truly came to me knowing you would die? No Prince to save Snow White this time?"
"The prince wasn't just there to save Snow White all the time, you know." Dazai smiled, and there was the clicking sound a bomb being detonated, a clear indication that this was stalemate for both them, whether Dazai lived or died.
He was greeted with the sight of a surprised Dostoevsky, eyes wide in genuine shock, and he only had time to mouth his final words before the whole world erupted in flames.
Dazai remembered them clearly.
You lie.
xvi.
"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now." Chuuya spat out, tears streaming down his face, as he held Dazai by the collar, with the whole venue blown away. Dazai's forehead was bleeding, his lip was cut, and the blow on his stomach was probably more than he could handle, but nothing hurt more that seeing his chibi so sad, Dazai realized.
It was probably why he couldn't bear to ask the hat-rack for help, back in that night. If something were to happen to Chuuya, and he was the receiving end to such grief -
"You're so unfair, Dazai. You can't just hand me a ring and make me think you're dead." The redhead muttered, his voice reduced to a whisper. Everyone was looking at them now, behaved like they should've been, eyes shining with tears. Normally it would've been Dazai's cue to say something snarky, insult Chuuya's hat - but hell, even his hat looked so sad.
Now it was Dazai's turn to get all choked up.
"You weren't supposed to get that. At least not yet." Dazai relented, unable to look at Chuuya in the eyes. "But that night, I thought - I thought I was going to die so I had the president give it to you at a predetermined time. It's the one secret I can't take to my grave, Chuuya."
I love you, were the unspoken words.
Chuuya only stared at Dazai, dumbfounded enough to release his grip, but nowhere near satisfied because his knee was still pressed on Dazai's chest, right where his stab wound should be.
"So you survived, and by the time everyone knew, I already got the package." Chuuya summed up, his face devoid of any emotion. "You couldn't face me because it meant facing the rings, and you weren't ready for that."
Dazai remained silent, watching the little changes on the redhead's face.
"I believed it because everyone was in on it." Chuuya whispered; eerily calm. "You even got Ane-san and Mori-san to get along with your whims." At this, the redhead snapped at his superiors, with what Dazai could only expect as a look of utter betrayal.
"Well, you wanted this for a long time, didn't you, Chuuya?" Ane-san stepped back nervously, using her fan to cover her face. "At least now you wouldn't come complaining to me about Dazai this and Dazai that."
"If Dazai can't return to us as an executive, perhaps he would do well as your husband." Mori explain, hugging Elise closer to him, just in case Chuuya went berserk enough to target the little girl.
"Why are you all acting as though this was some kind of engagement party? Did you miss the part where this is supposed to be a funeral and you had me all believing that Dazai is dead?"
"We thought that maybe if we operate under the guise that he was dead," Akutagawa explained, "You would finally be honest with yourself."
Dazai thought he heard a pin drop, and the venue had gone so silent no one would believe people were fighting minutes before, a mess of shifting blames and repressed abilities.
Chuuya took out something from his coat pockets - the small black box Dazai went through so much trouble for - before opening it right in the middle of everyone. The simple gold band shone in the sunlight, and in another life, perhaps Chuuya would be seeing it for the first time in Paris, with Dazai kneeling in front of him -
"...you wanted to trick me in proposing to you first." Chuuya whispered, in the same tone he used whenever he activated corruption. For a moment Dazai thought he heard the familiar chant, and any minute now he'd be swallowed whole.
"You knew I'll be confessing, because I made a promise, and you knew I'll be coming with the ring because there's no way in hell I'm keeping it with me."
Dazai opened his mouth to answer, but no sound came out. Okay, so maybe he did plan to propose to Chuuya, after the redhead had said his tearful goodbye while slipping the ring in Dazai's finger, but the way Chuuya made it seem...
"Let me guess, you planned it so that I'd be kneeling in front of you, crying as I slipped the ring on your finger, then you'd jump out of the dead saying yes, without as much as a trouble."
"...my predictions are never wrong, ne?"
"...what are the lines."
"Huh?"
"Your predictions are never wrong, are they? Surely you expected me to say something while doing all the shit you expected me to do."
Dazai's eyes widened. No shit.
Is he really - ?
"Partners in life, partners in death." Dazai mumbled, cheeks flaring. He'd initially wanted it as headline, when he and Chuuya finally did their double suicide, but he figured he should focus more on the life aspect...for now.
"Judging you, I bet me turning you down was never even an option." Chuuya whispered, a little more to himself, before he took the gold band and slipped it on his own ring finger, digging his knees further in Dazai's chest, gaining an audible gasp from the audience because what the fuck is happening -
Chuuya pressed his lips to Dazai's, the whole kiss tasting of pain and tears and relief, before he finally pulled back, his fists raised -
"Partners in life, partners in death."
The last thing Dazai saw was the gold band colliding with his face.
xvii.
"I can't believe you, Chuuya. Honestly, all the princes in the world are disgraced! You punch Snow White awake, you punch Snow White in proposal - "
"Oi, you want me to hit you harder?"
"Sounds kinky, but I'll pass for today. After all, Chuuya still hadn't said yes to me ~"
"I'm wearing your shitty ring, mackerel. Isn't that enough of a yes for you?"
"But Chuuya never said his eulogy! I never got to hear how much you loved me!"
"You'll never hear my eulogy, mackerel."
"..."
"When that time comes, I'll be lying with right next to you in the casket."
"Oh, Chuuya ~ What a way to declare your undying love!"
"Come now, Dazai-san. Didn't Chuuya-san say worse things at the funeral?"
"Atsushi-kun, I hardly call Chuuya repreating my intended promise of forever the worst."
"Didn't Chuuya san say something about loving you despite your shit taste in bandages, vowing to stay by your side for better or worse - "
"Akutagawa. This is an order from your superior. Shut your mouth."
"Akutagawa-kun. If you tell me exactly what happened after I passed out, I'll praise you."
"...I should have a recording of it somewhere, Dazai-san."
"Seriously, you're such a suck-up to Dazai-san!"
"Shut it, jinko. Like you don't show up to eat dinner every night at Chuuya-san's."
BONUS:
[Blurry focus, chattering noises.]
[Voice Over: Come on, Akutagawa! Is this your first time using a camera?]
[Voice Over: At least I own a camera. Still better than your broke tiger-ass, jinko.]
[Chuuya is standing in the middle of the wreckage, dusting his hands after knocking off Dazai. Audible gasps from the audience. Somewhere off the back, Yosano hollers a whoop, while Ranpo screams, called it!
[Chuuya picks up the mic and checks if it's still on. Clears his throat.
Chuuya: This bastard is the stinkiest, shittiest and stupidest mackerel I've ever met. But he's my shitty Dazai, and I'll have you know that with or without this ring, I'll marry him anyway. Maybe I already am. The fuck who knows.
[Voice Over: Chuuya-san will kill us once he sees this.]
[Voice Over: I'm doing this for Dazai-san.]
[Voice Over: You think he'll still wake up?]
[Voice Over: Don't know. But I feel bad for him. He should see this.]
[Voice Over: Dazai-san trained you well, I see.]
[Voice Over: I know. Which is why I can't fathom why he prefers airheads like you.]
Chuuya: You guys did a pretty god job pretending he was dead, but I had my suspicions. Oh well, no point in playing pretend I didn't cry. I'm talking to you, Ane-san.
[Camera shifts to Kouyou Ozaki, who simply hid her face in her fan.]
Chuuya: That night when the bastard called me, I didn't even know it was going to be his last. The stupid shithead just when ahead and annoyed me as usual, passed down odd requests, told me to tell Mori-san to kiss his ass.
[Camera shifts to Mori Ougai, as only scowled. A few repressed snickers from the audience.]
Chuuya: That's the thing about Dazai. It's one thing I hate about him the most, but you can't help feeling stuff when the shitty mackerel hides his plans from you, because he's a fucking genius and likes to convince you everything is for your own good. It's so fucking stupid! I mean, why does he do that when he has me?
[Chuuya clears his throat]
Chuuya: But I guess now I know I can't always be there for him, so for now I'll thank the shitheads who saved this dumb mackerel's life. I had a sinking suspicion it was you, Yosano, so I guess I'll give you one of my Petrus bottles in return.
[Yosano screams two, and Chuuya sighs in defeat.]
Chuuya: Well, I guess the entire Armed Detective Agency and Port Mafia had their hand in this, too, so yes. You better watch your backs. Um, I mean - I've got your backs. As for Atsushi and Akutagawa-kun -
[Voice over: Shit, shit -]
[Voice over: Hide! Hide!]
[Camera loses focus for a while. When camera adjusts, Chuuya is now seen at a farther angle, the camera hidden between two chairs.]
Chuuya: I bet he wanted to hear how he was my best partner, but I supposed he was always my only partner, in this life. He'd saved me countless times, and I to him, and we'd always been sort of Double Black even as kids. (No offense to you, Kunikida)
[Kunikida shouts, none taken!]
Chuuya: I've always wondered what partner meant, but I suppose I'll never find another bandage-wasting device, may be he a demon prodigy or a mafia executive or an armed detective. Dazai is...Dazai. Honestly, if you hadn't blown your covers and revealed that the stinking mackerel was alive, I would've followed him anyway, even at hell.
Chuuya: Dazai won't hear this, and he never will, but the next time he does something stupid, all of you will call me. None of that, Dazai wouldn't have wanted it. He might say shit like Snow White doesn't always have to be saved by his prince, but Snow White is a fucking idiot and as his prince, it's my job to also be an idiot. For him.
[Cheering sounds from both factions. Camera focuses on Atsushi and Akutagawa, holding the camera with tears in their eyes.]
Atsushi: We didn't die, Dazai-san! Congratulations!
Akutagawa: As expected. I knew you could pull it off, Dazai-san.
[END OF VIDEO]
xvii.
"I can't believe you predicted that far, shitty mackerel."
"Oh, that wasn't in my plans."
"Liar."
"Really. The whole plan fell apart as soon as you left."
"But how - "
"My plans always fall apart when I'm with you, chibi ~"
"Oi - "
"...But that's fine with me, because I'll gladly fall apart for you. Always."
"You make it sound like you just want me to clean the mess."
"I am a mess, Chuuya."
"..."
"But you love me anyway."
"...yeah. And I love you anyway."