Chapter Text
Jacob could feel the pallor of his skin, the bags under his eyes. He looked a wreck, he knew it. But he gritted his teeth and soldiered on. His grip on anything was too tight, overcompensating for the slight tremor of his limbs. There was blood on his hands. Metaphorical blood, from his first kill, but also the bloody rips at his nails, made worse by constant biting as he waited for Cazimira to return.
---
It had been a tense night, before the ritual was to take place. Jacob had slipped free of the house, scrambling up the side of the barn that served as their training space, perching at the edge above the wagon of hay that lay below.
“I’m doing it, you know.”
Jacob nodded at his dæmon’s declaration. “Yeah. I know.”
“And don’t you go screaming after me, either.”
He shot her a scathing look. “I won’t,” he insisted, stubborn and offended.
She gave him a sharp peck on the temple.
“Ow! What was that for?”
“Liar. You will.”
Jacob shot the crow a sidelong glance, lips twisted in a grimace of annoyance.
“But you’d better not.”
She was lecturing. It meant she was nervous.
“...What do you think it’ll be like?” Jacob stared out across the gap between house and barn, watching the dark window of what had become Evie’s bedroom. They’d still been separated since her initiation had begun, since his would follow so soon after. Once he was a proper Assassin as well, they might share a room again. But maybe not.
Caz ruffled her feathers, hopping down from his shoulder, then paused, following his gaze. “I don’t know. Painful, I expect. Lonely.”
Very lonely. “Karolina will be there.”
Her voice was snippish. “Yes, Karolina-- we get along so well with her , don’t we. Can’t wait to have her droning on and on about duty to the Brotherhood and self-sacrifice and… whatever other drivel she has planned.”
Jacob’s lips lifted into a wry smirk. “Yeah, well, it’s company.”
“Not like Zander.”
He paused. They always tiptoed around that. Around those feelings. It was something they knew not to talk about. “...No, not like Zander.”
The thoughts came into his head as they often did lately. A familiar refrain, repetitive, a constant reminder to himself. One day she will be happy. With someone else. We will always be close, but we can’t be that close.
After a moment sitting in silence, Caz ruffled her feathers again. “Let’s practice.”
“What-” He sucked in a shocked breath as she flew into the branches hanging above them, stretching their bond painfully.
“Jump,” she demanded.
This was his penance, wasn’t it? For thinking about Evie. He glared at the crow as she shifted foot to foot. She was just as nervous. Just as willing to use pain as a distraction. “...Fine.”
---
The bruise on his knuckles was a mottled reddish purple the next morning, but he hadn’t cried out. His teeth had broken skin, clamped down on a fist to keep from shouting, and Cazimira had dug talons tight into her perch, but he’d stayed quiet. They’d had their practice.
Before she left, they exchanged a look. Fierce determination and stubborn will. She’d taken off like a bolt and he’d felt the creaking of too-tight fists, eyes screwed shut at the violent yanking of something deep within him.
True to his word, he didn’t scream after her. But he did scream. One guttural cry of anger and agony, echoed in a piercing caw from the edge of the trees. He’d planted his feet firmly, resolving not to run or turn or shift anxiously, but his knees buckled. Then he was silent apart from loud breaths sucked through his teeth.
When Karolina flew off after Caz, Jacob forced himself to his feet. He didn’t talk to his father. He didn’t talk to Evie. He went straight to the barn, picked up boxing gloves, and pulverized a punching bag for all of five minutes before his energy was gone and he collapsed to the ground in a heap of trembling arms and legs.
---
Now, three days later, he waited. He glared out the window. She’d be back soon. She had to be back soon. He was empty, hollow, eaten by pain and loss and guilt -- filling every crack with anger just to keep himself functioning. Running on pure spite.
Evie wasn’t sure if she should be there for Jacob or not. They didn’t talk about it before, and the older Frye couldn’t really tell if her brother would be offended or humiliated by her presence or not. She wanted to support him, not hurt him. In the end, she decided to be there for him - if he was displeased with it he would let her know anyway, and then she would give him his privacy.
Watching the whole thing was painful for her, too. Not as much when she’d done it, but seeing Jacob suffer, seeing Caz fly away while he tried to be strong - stronger than she was, she’d cried and screamed like a little a girl. Jacob was stronger than that, he remained silent, but it required all his strength to do so, she could tell.
After he just went away. Evie let him, knew being alone was necessary to survive this, it was way too fresh an experience, he needed some time to process it all. His way was hitting something hard over and over again. Yes, this was Jacob, who always tried to fix his problems with hitting. It wouldn’t help this time.
It wouldn’t be easier. Zander was away for 5 days - 5 long, torturous days. It was a never ending hell, not knowing when he would return. And when he finally did Evie was too hurt to let all the pain go just like that. Zander had also changed. He was different, more... matured maybe. She had to guess she would change with him, too. For a short time they’d lived like strangers together, but managed to break the ice quite soon. He was still part of her and when she finally realized that, joy hit her and she could feel whole again. Different, but whole.
He didn’t tell her what he did while he was away, no matter how many times Evie asked. It was his secret - the only one he would ever have from her. It was the dæmons’ business not the humans’.
Evie was pretty sure Jacob would shut everyone out until Cazimira’s return and she wasn’t badly mistaken. She often accompanied him silently, asking Zander to stay away a bit - she could do that for her brother now. It meant a new kind of freedom, and she was still getting used to it.
---
“She feels the same.”
It was a simple statement, no more, no less. The big cat headed toward Evie’s room - it was strange to find them in separate bedrooms, Zander did not like it at all. He was very close to Caz and truly hoped the twins didn’t want to keep it this way forever. When he was about to turn toward her door to push it in with his head, he noticed Jacob’s figure, sitting at the window, staring, but not really seeing anything. Changing his mind, the red cat headed toward him instead of Evie. It was bad to see him this way - Jacob was also close to him, Caz was a part of Jacob after all. He wasn’t sure he could do anything for him, but Zander had to try. Cazimira did not have this luxury.
Jacob looked to his twin’s dæmon, taking a moment to parse his words. In his haze he thought, for the briefest moment, Zander might be referring to Evie herself-- but no. No, that was… No.
Of course not.
And how could he have ever for a single second of this trial have taken his mind from his beloved Cazimira? How could he have let her slip his thoughts - his soul, wandering in the dark.
His voice was low. “Then why doesn’t she just come back?” It wasn’t really a question. It was closer to a protest, an argument with his absent dæmon, spoken through a scowl, eyes once more fixed outdoors.
Even having seen Evie go through it, he hadn’t expected the emptiness left behind after their connection was severed. It was like suddenly going deaf. The world went on, but he was missing a little of everything. Gradually, as the days passed, some part of him made a weak effort to fill the gap, but it wasn’t the same. There was a crow-shaped part of his soul waiting for her return. Impatiently. And Caz was more patient than him, yes, but not by much.
“It just doesn’t work like that,” Zander answered calmly. Of course Jacob knew Cazimira’s absence did not mean she was abandoning him for good, but it would be hard to see clear for him during these days. It was hard for Zander to see clearly too, but he’d had things to do, while Evie was here, waiting. And when one has nothing to do but wait, the brain could trick you into false illusions.
Slowly walking closer to Jacob’s side, Zander did something had not done for a long time - gently nudged the warm hand with his nose, silently asking to pet him a bit. It was rare when a dæmon talked to a human - Jacob was different, but he was still human. Dæmons preferred to talk to other dæmons, they could sort out conflicts even, but a dæmon-human interaction was rare. A dæmon asking for physical contact from a human other than their own was extremely rare. But Zander was over worrying about breaking the rules - that was Evie’s job anyway - he just wanted to do what he felt was right. And this felt right, in the moment.
Of course he knew about Evie’s doubts and fears. She was afraid she would lose Jacob somehow - because of their lifestyle, or because of the things she kept hidden from him. The things only Zander knew about. And while she was afraid of those things, the dæmon did not find anything negative about them. How it could be wrong when it was all about love?
Sometimes, Evie had to face those things they talked about it, in the dead of night, whispering secrets to each other. She admitted the things Zander already knew, and he disagreed with her in the way she handled those things. Burying them deeply away and not talking about them, pretending they didn’t exist, wasn’t a solution. But his solution was not good enough for Evie.
It was stupid and pointless. It caused way too many arguments between Evie and him and it was frustrating. Her decisions made him suffer as well. He wanted to be that close to Cazimira again, but she was just like Evie; not too open about the question. Would she change her mind once she came back?
His stomach lurched. There was a moment where his fingers combed through soft fur and almost immediately Jacob pulled away. He couldn’t. Because when he touched Zander-- There was the comfort he took from a warm body, yes, and the ache of missing his own dæmon, but that wasn’t what shamed him. His mind raced back to the feeling of Evie’s hand on Cazimira, to the way it had tugged at something inside him, made him think things he shouldn’t think. And that only made his thoughts wander, made him wonder if he could do the same to Evie, if his touch on her dæmon would give her that same intimate thrill. And he shouldn’t be considering that. Not now. Probably not ever.
He’d pulled his hand back as though he’d been burned, his heart leaping into his throat in an anxious rhythm. He was an Assassin now. Or he would be, when Caz returned. He was an adult. He had to-- Jacob swallowed hard, shifting away from the cougar dæmon, his throat suddenly tight. He had to think practically. He had to do the right thing, even when it hurt. “...Go away, Zander.” The anger he’d had before was gone. He just sounded… tired. So tired. Not broken so much as resigned.
He was afraid, Zander could see that now. As afraid as Evie was. He didn’t move away - instead, he gave Jacob a thoughtful look.
“It’s not wrong. I told her the same, but she is too afraid to face it. But it’s not wrong, Jacob.”
It was time for them to stop running away from this and talk about it openly, finally. They needed it, or else neither of them would be able to move forward.
“We are missing you. Both of you. If only Cazimira could see my reasoning…”
Was it a mistake to be so honest with Jacob? Maybe, considering the timing. But this ritual and this new kind of freedom changed Zander, and while Jacob still looked at the world and separated it into good and bad, Zander didn’t. It wasn’t black or white, more like different shades of gray. There was no all-good or all-bad, no one and nothing was simple like that. Maybe Caz would see that as well, when she returned. Zander really hoped she would.
Jacob stilled. The hair on the back of his neck stood on end, a chill coursing through him. I told her the same thing . But that meant… His ears rang. This… this was really not the time. If only Cazimira could see my reasoning…
Oh god-- Caz!
Jacob pushed back from his seat suddenly. From feeling deafened he now felt he could hardly hear at all over the rush of blood in his ears. Caz was the wise one. She may not be by his side now, but she would be, she was , he knew that now, she’d always be a part of him, always be the voice of reason. He trusted her. She knew what was right. And she knew that this wasn’t it.
Without another word, Jacob strode purposefully away. Down the stairs, out the door, climbing up to that familiar spot on the barn roof.
He would wait. There was a purposeful drive in him now, filling the crow-shaped hole, and he trusted her. Tonight. It would be tonight. She would be back. They would be different. But he trusted her .
---
It was seven or eight hours later, just cracking dawn when the crow breached the treeline, heading straight for a sleepless Jacob, still perched and waiting. There was a moment of pause, a brief realization as they both recognized the change in the other. They were different now. Still, Jacob opened his arms, Cazimira darting to his breast as he tipped onto his back, letting her peck and preen and nuzzle against him. Different, yes. But whole.
It was a very silent night – which wasn’t out of the ordinary, Crawley never was a vivid place, but tonight seemed to be even quieter than usual. Zander was laying alone on Evie’s bed in the dark, waiting patiently, thinking about what happened that day. It still didn’t feel like a mistake. But who knew what it would cause.
Familiar steps came toward the room – too light to be Jacob’s or Ethan’s.
Evie pushed the door open and stepped inside, knowing very well that he was there – Zander never could surprise her, even after the rite. Put the lamp she had in her hand on the nightstand, she sat beside him and reached out to scratch behind his ear, showing some affection, slowly making progress after their separation. They were healing, and he was about to ruin this.
She seemed to be less worried tonight, probably happy about their progress, but Jacob still lingered in her thoughts. Honestly, Jacob was often present in her thoughts.
When she stood up and headed toward her desk, probably to have “a good read before bed” - something they often argued about before - he took his chance to speak.
“I talked to Jacob today.”
It made her curious, he saw the slight surprise on her face as she turned back toward him. Maybe a bit of confusion, too.
“Why?”
“Because I needed to. About Cazimira. And about something else, too.”
His voice was serious, too serious – it made Evie nervous. Zander had changed a lot in the past weeks, and sometimes Evie couldn’t really recognise her old self in him. This was way too new and alien to her. He was still hers but it felt like Zander was ahead of her, he was at a point she had not reached yet. It was… uncomfortable.
One look was enough to enlighten her, and she suddenly knew what he was talking about.
“I told him. I told him everything about how we feel.”
Evie almost felt how the blood drained from her veins, making her pale. “You did what?” Fear gripped her heart with cold fingers hearing Zander’s words. He surely didn’t… he couldn’t do that. No, that would mean he went behind her back and betrayed her .
“I told him.”
She stared right into the olive pair of cat eyes, and suddenly Evie felt disgusted and miles away from the dæmon, who was supposed to be hers, her best friend, part of her. It was like getting hit in the face. No, worse, it felt like someone had taken her dæmon away and given her this, told her this is what she had now.
Suddenly she wanted to go back in time, back to the day of their ritual so she could fail it. Because this thing wasn’t hers anymore.
Anger flared up in her, hot and intense, and stepping closer she opened her mouth to speak, voice shaking but way too powerful.
“How… how could you? How dare you do that? You didn’t have the right to do that!”
Zander seemed to be taken aback by the yelling, but didn’t retreat; standing up on the bed, his short fur ruffled between his shoulder blades, ears flat against his head.
“I had to, and I would do it again! It was time to face it Evie, and he has every right to know about it too!”
“But it is my secret!”
“It is our secret! And I am sick of keeping it! I am sick of this torture and I don’t want to endure it anymore!”
In some ways he was right; this was torture, a cruel joke, and it was painful, a never ending struggle. But that didn’t mean he should run to Jacob and just throw everything at him. It was her burden, not his. Jacob was way too vulnerable for something like this and Evie had no intention to ever tell him about it. Not now, not ever.
Tears filled her eyes, but she didn’t let them out. No, she had to be stronger than that. Voice cold, she hissed her words at the cougar.
“I should have Cazimira instead of you .”
The words hit him hard, made him take a few steps back, glaring at her in answer – it was unfair, wishing to not be linked anymore, to have a different dæmon instead of him. She couldn’t really tell him anything worse than that.
Feeling the wetness hit her cheek, Evie wiped the tears away angrily, cursing herself silently for crying, turning her back to him; the conversation was over. For a moment he didn’t really know what he should do - he hopped down on the floor. He felt her anger, but what he could do to make it go away?
“I want to be alone, so if you please…”
Nothing. He could do nothing. Turning away from her, he headed out of the room to do as she asked and leave her alone – but this time not because they were forced to, but because she wanted it.