Chapter Text
BAZ
Simon’s not at breakfast. It’s probably for the best, because even though I’ve put my walls back up and prepared for it, the sooner I see his face the sooner my resolve to ignore him will be needed. I’m not ready for a day of feeling his eyes on me.
Bunce and Wellbelove are here. Which means that Simon hasn’t had them around since I left, because they wouldn’t just leave him alone if they’d seen him. So he’s still alone in our room, and has been all night. I’ve changed my mind. I wish he had come down so I could see with my own two eyes how he’s holding up.
I’m spiralling. The point of my night in the catacombs was to rid myself of intense thoughts and emotions regarding Simon. Apparently I failed. I can’t stop imagining him alone and hurting, because I know him, and I know he won’t just carry on. He’ll need to readjust his life to not include me in it.
I leave the school before my first class even starts and go to the closest town. It’s a Sunday, so no one will notice or try to stop me. I wander, trying to get my mind off him. The town is sleepy and quiet, the kind of place I’d like to live one day. After a few hours, my mind slows its run of dark thoughts, but I still don’t want to go back to Watford. I check into a little hotel on the edge of town, hoping my father won’t be tracking how I use the credit card he lets me take when I leave for school.
The room is warm. I sit before the fireplace to read a novel I picked up in my explorations to distract myself. When it gets dark, I go down to the bar and try to order a drink, but the bartender just looks me up and down and laughs.
“Not a chance, kid,” she says.
I go to the restaurant instead. Luckily I fed last night in the catacombs, so I’m only hungry for real, human food. Once I get back to the room, I set an early alarm for tomorrow, so I’ll get back in time for class.
The next morning is the first in months that Simon isn’t there when I wake up.
He’s not in any of our shared classes. It’s good and bad. I’m forced through the same dilemma that I had at breakfast the first day every time I walk into a room that I expect him to be in. Not that I would look at him if he were here. After two classes I realize that Bunce isn’t here either.
She’s gone to see him. She’s there to comfort him. I relax a bit. If there’s one person who knows how to take care of Simon, it’s Bunce. He’ll be okay.
But he will undoubtedly tell her everything, which almost makes me mad again, even though it’s unconfirmed. I shove the anger down. Simon will have someone, even if it’s not me, and that’s what’s important.
I skip lunch, just in case he shows up, and study in the library instead. There’s no need. He doesn’t come to afternoon classes either, and Wellbelove is gone, now, too. It seems they’ve left school grounds altogether. Does that mean he’s doing worse than I thought? Or does it mean that he just has good friends? I try to focus on the page in front of me. What it means is that I have to stop worrying about how my ex is dealing with our breakup.
Niall and Dev notice that I’m not normal, despite my efforts to keep up appearances, acting aloof and snide. They only try to ask me about it once, and shut up immediately at my glare.
Assuming my guess about Simon’s trio leaving for the day is correct, I decide to brave our room. It’s empty when I arrive, and I shower immediately just in case I don’t have much time. No one’s come in when I get out of the bathroom, but the door opens just as I’m about to sit down and finish the assigned Magickal History reading.
There stands my ex-boyfriend, wearing a brand new maroon jumper and a cold expression. He tenses when I meet his eyes. Blue to grey, we stare in silence. He looks… the same. I don’t know if I expected him to have transformed, but all I see is Simon as I’ve always known him, hiding any real emotions behind anger.
I open my mouth to say something, anything, but there’s nothing to say. I should just leave. But what good would that do? We both live here.
Simon has already changed his mind about entering the room. He turns and leaves, any conversation I could have started cut off before I begin. I walk to the door and lay a hand on the knob, considering following him, despite not yet having any ideas of what to say, but I stop when I hear muffled voices from the other side.
“You can stay with me for a bit.” I think it’s Bunce.
“What about Trixie?” It hurts to hear his voice, quiet as it is.
“Ugh. She can stay with Keris for a night or two, she won’t mind.”
Their conversation gets quieter as they make their way down the stairs. Pretty soon I can’t hear a word.
Is it better or worse to not have Simon around for a few days? Because I’m quickly realizing that things aren’t going back to the way they were-- by that I mean the times that we didn’t quite have reasons to be vicious, so we settled for glares and petty “accidents”, or simply ignored each other.
I almost wish I’d done something to make him angry at me, something big enough for him to do something Simon-stupid, like challenge me to a duel. Seeing him heartbroken is something I’ll never know how to deal with. Feuds with Simon are my bread and butter; I could almost definitely distract myself from sorrow with an old routine. Maybe it would hurt in contrast to what we were, but having anything with him right now would be better than nothing.
The next two days I dedicate to coming up with a plan for ignoring Simon. It involves more time on the pitch, even if I’m just training by myself. I will spend as much time in the library as possible, I will not go to the dining hall in between classes (Simon is always there during breaks for cherry scones and tea), and I will leave the room if he turns on the shower, because he has been known to come out shirtless afterwards, even before we were dating.
The final step is to go back to calling him Snow in my head. So far, that’s been the hardest. I can force myself to sit on the other side of the room than him, or avoid looking at him even when I know he’s looking at me, or avoid him in general, because those are my actions. But my thoughts? Making the ones that I try so hard to shake off already even more detached by calling him by his last name isn’t simple.
Every time I think Snow I remember how much he liked it when I called him Simon, and when I slip up and do think of him as Simon, I think that he would be pleased. Which is essentially the exact same issue. It’s a lose-lose situation. But I trudge through it.
He comes back to our room after two days. Permanently, I mean. I think he skipped a class to come grab a change of clothes after the first day. Now, either Trixie wanted her room back, or Bunce did, because when I get back from practice, Snow’s there at his desk, looking like he’s trying very hard to focus. He’s definitely anticipating when I’ll get here.
Well, here I am. Simon-- Snow , I mean, whips his head towards the door when I walk in. Ten different emotions flash through his eyes before he settles on a forcibly blank stare. He blinks once and turns back to his work. I guess that’s how it’s going to be.
And it is.
As November fades into December and the first snow falls, I throw myself into schoolwork. I go everywhere where I know I won’t see Simon. (Not Simon. Where I won’t see Snow. Goddamn.)
We haven’t spoken. We make eye contact about twice a day, then both scowl and pretend we didn’t. I know not talking must be weighing on him as much as it is me, but neither of us gives in. It’s radio silence.