Chapter Text
Love had made Louis crazy, and death had brought him closer to insanity. Death happens in two ways, you either go willingly or unwillingly. There is many ways in which you go unwillingly, murder, death while sleeping, and much more. Then we have willingly, which simply means you knew death was your fate. Whether you take your own life or die of a long term illness, you knew it was coming and you have come to terms with the fact that you couldn't escape the angel of darkness. Louis knew his fate, he used to think his fate was Harry, that he would live out his life with Harry and dare he say it, he would be happy. But now, Louis knows his fate has always been death. Whether he likes it or not, he has always known there is only two cures for his illness, death or medicine. He knew love could only numb the pain, not cure it. Being the love-blinded fool he was, those thoughts escaped him, now they were back tenfold and they weren't going away.
Louis went willingly with the angel of darkness exactly one and a half weeks after Harry's death. He left the world silently, just as he had lived. There was no note, he couldn't explain everything he had ever felt, he could't explain every single thing that had brought him to this point, and he surely couldn't apologize for finding peace. Louis knew deep down that his mother wouldn't be one-hundred percent shocked, Louis knew she had seen him lose the color Harry had given his life, he knew that she saw the pain in his eyes, he could only hope that she didn't feel guilty. When Louis' ashes were sprinkled, there were tears from people who barely knew him, and everyone thought it sadly romantic that he was in the same field as Harry. "Two lovers put back together with death, it's agonizingly beautiful," leave it to naive humans to find the romance in death. These people decided Harry and Louis would be together in the afterlife, that there was some love tying bond that kept them together. If people really thought about what they were saying, they would realize that it is most likely the two boys aren't together, because maybe there is no afterlife. There may not be any spirits in the clouds, and maybe not even in the field. There may not be any almighty being that would allow Harry and Louis to find each other. And if they were really smart, if they really thought about Louis' death, they would know that Louis didn't die just to be with Harry.
Louis didn't leave just because Harry died, that played a big part, but it took more than death. Louis was a depressed teen boy, losing the one he loved was what pushed him past shattering point, but it wasn't what first broke him. Louis had depression, it was a mental issue, it was an illness as Louis called it. Depression is not a phase, it is not a trend, it's not something you simply get over. Louis wouldn't describe depression in any other way than drowning. He would always say depression is the ocean and your thoughts are what drown you. At the end of his life, however, he was more of a broken flower. You see, people can be saved from drowning but a broken flower is fragile and can not survive without someone to nurse it back to health. People that didn't know Louis did not seem to realize that, they figured Louis had suddenly broken, that Harry dying caused Louis to take his life. Maybe it make's it easier for people to believe that this death was all in the name of love, so they can find something good in the problem. But optimism is not appropriate in this case, because there is nothing good to come from depression. There is nothing romantic about suicide and Louis didn't die to be romantic, he died to feel at peace, which is only sad. Suicide only bring's grief, as does as any death. The worst part of suicide, is the fact that some people are so numb, so overcome by demons that they feel death is the only way for peace. So say it again, say Louis' death was agonizingly beautiful, say he died for love but really death has no romance. No beauty. Louis knew this, even through the thoughts of Harry's death he knew he was not dying for Harry, he was dying because he couldn't take anymore pain.
Louis also knew his love story was beautiful. He knew death flawed the beauty, but when you looked past that, you saw there could not have been more beauty in a love than there was in Louis'. Fore in the beginning of his love story there was a boy that watched him from the back of English, that boy had curly hair, a dimpled smile, and was flawed but entirely magical. The boy had always been good at watching, at seeing the wonders that Louis held under the scared outer layer, he saw the demons too but he could look past them. Everything but death has something beautiful under what seems to be only ugly. You just have to look past what seems to be all there is. Like seeing a way out of a dark that seems to be consuming you, like seeing the color in a world that seems to be only grey. The boy had taught Louis to see, which in turn brought color to Louis' life. By the middle of his love story, the boy had taught Louis that trying to live instead of just survive was what made life worth his while. He proved to Louis that he could go through life just existing as he was, or he could take the boy's hand and really live. At the end of his love story, Louis learnt that his boy was right; looking, loving, and living made even a short life worth it all. That boy was Harry Styles, and that boy never cured Louis, but he kept Louis together till they were both gone.
In the end, there is only two ways to cure an illness, death and medicine. Louis chose death, but he will never regret letting love numb the pain.