Chapter Text
21st December
When Jeonghan woke up, Seungcheol was nowhere to be seen.
He used his forearm as support when he sat up, squinting his eyes from the sunlight creeping in through the half-drawn curtains. The single bed beside him was empty. Blankets folded neatly and pillows piled up at the end of the frame. Seungcheol’s phone was still there on the bedside table, though. Which meant at least he couldn’t have left overnight.
He reached over to grab his own phone to text his manager. Just as he was halfway done typing to ask about Seungcheol’s whereabouts he stopped, deleted every word and turned off the screen. He just wished that Seungcheol didn’t attempt to go skiing again with that sprained ankle of his.
It was a little over nine in the morning. Deciding that he was hungry enough to make himself get out of the comfort of his bed, Jeonghan got himself ready to head down for breakfast. The dark circles under his eyes seemed slightly lighter, but no matter how much he slept he still felt tired.
The hallway was empty when he headed outside, the door locked automatically with a ‘click’ behind him. Though there was no one around to ask him an autograph or pose for pictures, he still put on a mask anyway.
The hotel restaurant was located on the ground floor. He took the lift with another two girls. They were completely unsuspecting, chatting amongst themselves quietly without giving much of a second glance to him. Relieved, he took out his phone again to check for new messages, half expecting to see something from Seungcheol.
And there was none.
Jeonghan held the door open for the two girls walk out of the lift on the 1st floor before him. They nodded at him in appreciation. One of the girls took a double take and her eyes widened in surprise.
“Aren’t you a member of Seventeen?” she asked curiously. “Jeonghan, is it?”
Caught off guard by her sudden realisation, Jeonghan could only nod in silence.
“Oh my god, could it be that you guys are doing a show here?”
“Um, we’re not, I’m sorry,” Jeonghan replied. “Thank you for recognising me, though.”
At this point he wasn’t holding down the open button, so the door closed automatically before the girl could question him more. He waved at them as a courtesy and was relieved that he wasn’t trapped in the lift with them. With this messy state of mind, he worried that he would say something wrong or even defamatory.
The lift came to a halt when it reached the ground floor. Jeonghan walked straight ahead with his head, almost bumping into other guests as he made his way to the restaurant without drawing more attention.
Seungcheol was there already. He was sitting by the window, staring out into the snow. It was now snowing for real. Jeonghan worked up his courage and walked up to him, mentally preparing for the tension which built up overnight between them,
“Morning,” Seungcheol said with a smile when he saw Jeonghan, like it was nothing.
This was just unfair, Jeonghan couldn’t help but to think. He spent the past twenty minutes worrying about their reunion and this was all he got? A ‘morning’? Why was he the only one losing composure when clearly it was Seungcheol’s fault that they were in an awkward position like this?
Despite all his dismay, Jeonghan replied softly, “Morning.”
“Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah. You?”
“Yup.”
“Okay. Cool.”
Jeonghan sat down in front of Seungcheol with his empty plate on the table. The hotel was quite empty; most of the guests had already headed out early to ski for one last time before checking out. It was Christmas, after all. Everyone had places to be, people to meet. Jeonghan couldn’t help but to imagine if he had chosen to visit his family back in his hometown instead. Things would have definitely turn out very differently if he hadn’t acted so impulsively.
“Aren’t you getting anything to eat?” Seungcheol asked.
“I‘m not hungry.”
“At least have some fruits.”
Before Jeonghan could refuse his offer, Seungcheol emptied half of his bowl into Jeonghan’s plate. There were plenty of strawberries; Jeonghan suspected that Seungcheol had saved them on purpose.
“Thanks.”
“Eat up. Hyung said we have to head back before noon.”
“Why?”
“We have a recording session tonight.”
Jeonghan looked down at the strawberries and sighed. The short-lived holiday was cut off so abruptly that he was a bit caught off guard, too. He took a bite; strawberries in winter seasons had always been the best, but it left a rather bitter taste in his mouth.
On the way home from the ski resort they hadn’t really spoken much. Besides when they needed to pick the location for breakfast as requested by their managers.
Jeonghan promised to drive them back to Seoul. So without much compromising he sat at the driver’s seat and stirred the wheel with one hand. While he leaned backwards to back out of their parking spot he carefully avoided looking directly at Seungcheol. The car moved forward in full speed once he had enough space to get it out from the parking lot. Their managers were, as usually, following tightly behind them.
Seungcheol reached forward to turn the radio on. Jeonghan half-hoped that it was one of their own songs so that they could at least have a good laugh about it. But of course it wasn’t - radio stations only ever play what was newest and hottest in town. An ear-tearing blare of EDM beats blasted through the PA system and Jeonghan grimaced at the noise.
“I hate this,” he muttered almost inaudibly. Seungcheol obviously heard so he switched the channel. The next station was playing something softer.
“Better?”
“Thanks.”
They sat through the unbearable silence for a few hours. While Jeonghan fixated his eyes at the roads ahead of them, Seungcheol rested his head against the car window at his side. His arms were folded and Jeonghan could barely see his face through the oversized bomber jacket he was wearing.
“Hey.”
Seungcheol’s voice was hoarse and muffled when he talked. Jeonghan was not certain if it was because of nervousness or tiredness.
“What?”
“Can we talk about it?”
“No.”
“Jeonghan - ”
“Didn’t I say that it never happened?” Jeonghan snapped, gripping unto the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles were turning white.
Seungcheol brushed his hair backwards in frustration, sitting up straight to face Jeonghan. “You can’t just say it never happened, because it did.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Jeonghan, do you like me?”
As if throwing out the ultimatum, Seungcheol had asked the one question that he didn’t want to answer. Not even to himself.
When they were strangers Seungcheol knew nothing about his past, and at first he made no effort to know him. But somehow, somehow, sometime, Jeonghan liked the way he talked, the way he laughed, and the way his eyes squinted when he laughed. When they got closer he liked the way Seungcheol cared about him, even without words. He liked how Seungcheol knew about his insecurity and tried to mend it even when they both knew he couldn’t.
At first he thought this passing feeling would eventually disappeared over time, but the situation had just gotten worse. Suddenly he began to dislike Seungcheol talking to other people in the same manner as he does to him. He even started arguments over the most trivial things just to let off that frustration. Even though Seungcheol may be confused as to what exactly he was upset about. But even so, he would comfort him just because they were friends, and he didn’t want to fuel Jeonghan’s negativity even more.
Jeonghan couldn’t look him in the eye and deny because Seungcheol would know he was lying; he was too good at reading him it was aggravating sometimes.
“Yeah, maybe at one point I did, but not anymore. I don’t.”
It was such a cruel thing to say Jeonghan wanted to beat himself up for it. His knew his words were as cold as the falling snow outside. Waiting for the traffic lights to turn green again felt like an eternity had passed. And Seungcheol opened his mouth again.
“So are we still friends? Can we still be friends?”
Were they? Well, it would be even more difficult not to remain friends after the whole ordeal. This wasn’t really a choice, after all. They were colleagues. They had obligations to fulfil. Romance and love and all that bullshit was out of question. It had always been this way, and it would continue to be. Until one day they eventually decide to part ways. By then maybe something would change, but for now -
“Yeah,” Jeonghan breathed out. “Of course we are.”
***
About five minutes later they were sitting in front of each other with a platter of raw beef and pork strips in the middle. The restaurant smelt of smoke and alcohol. Not exactly the best place to have a quiet talk.
Jeonghan tried to convince himself that looking at beef strips slowly turning brown on the mini stove was the most fascinating sight ever, so that he wouldn’t have to look up and meet Seungcheol’s eyes.
It really felt like their friendship was coming to an end at some point. And this was what exactly Jeonghan had feared, and what made him so determined to bring his secret to the grave since day one.
It was jus too selfish of Seungcheol that he could break down Jeonghan’s defence once and for all with only three fucking words. All these years of effort. Wasted. Washed down the drain. And now he was back on day one. He was back to being that nineteen year old boy, so uncertain of his future, eyes always following the person he admired but could not manage to get close to. When admiration slowly turned to something else, he didn’t know what to do with it. And it stayed right there for the following five years.
He knew in his heart that this - thing, he didn’t know what to call it yet, would put everything on the line if they had ever tried to cross it. The bridge between them were built by signs of might-or-might-nots that were too fragile to walk on. One step taken wrong could send them tumbling down. Jeonghan thought that, as the selfless leader that he was, that Seungcheol would understand this. Anyone would understand why what they did was the death of them.
Love wasn't something that could build up overnight. It could take days, weeks, even decades for people to fall into the curse of romance. Jeonghan was confident that he loved Seungcheol. Just not in the way that he originally thought he was. He loved him as family, as a brother, a friend. Someone who was there for him. And it was a normal thing to do.
It was normal, right? It had to be.
He hated no matter how many years had passed, how many hairstyles and colour they had gone through, how many times they had moved homes and flown overseas and filmed variety shows and cried backstage, Seungcheol was still the same person. He was still the same person he had fallen for five years ago. And god knew how he wished that he had at least changed for the worse so Jeonghan could find an excuse to finally give this up.
“Here,” Seungcheol said. A strip of beef was placed on his plate, half done, just the way he liked it. “Eat while it’s hot.
"Hey," Jeonghan said, still not looking at Seungcheol. He grabbed the hem of his own shirt subconsciously. "Just a question.”
“What?”
“Do you st - do you want something to drink?”
“Oh, uh. Sure.”
Jeonghan picked up the tablet quickly and his face behind it, ordering to bottles of fruit soju. He hated the artificial flavour but it was the only kind they had. Well, better than nothing.
Their other orders arrived one by one and they just kept eating without another word with each other. If Joshua was here at least he could act as the moderator and make some small talks, gossip about rumours they heard at waiting rooms, whatever.
Jeonghan gulped down his drink. The soju was peach flavoured. It was the perfect camouflage for how high the alcohol concentration was. It was a quick way to get drunk easily. But what he needed at the moment wasn’t drunkedness. It was courage.
“Seungcheol.”
“Hm?” Seungcheol rasied his head with a mouthful of food.
“Do you… “ Jeonghan looked away. “Do you still like me?”
“You’re going to be mad at me, though.”
“I won’t. Just tell me.”
“I do,” Seungcheol said in the spur of the moment.
“If things have to be like this, then I might as well quit. To make this easier for us,”
It seemed like the whole restaurant - or the whole world - had quieted down at that exact moment. Jeonghan felt he was going to rip a piece of his shirt from the force he was grabbing unto the fragile fabric.
“Yoon Jeonghan, don’t - you ever dare to fucking talk about quitting.”
Seungcheol’ voice was wavering. Anyone who didn't know him well enough would have overlooked And it wasn't the same kind of exaggerated version of fear that he displayed on variety shows or live broadcast for the world to see and laugh at. For a moment the leader relied upon by twelve others seemed more vulnerable than those he protected.
And this sight scared Jeonghan too.
“Sorry,” he apologised briefly. “I’m sorry. You know I didn’t mean that.”
Seungcheol bit his lower lip. “Even if you really meant it,” he stated quietly.”I would never let you.”
“Well, we don't know what will happen in the future. Maybe we’ll have another fight like this and you would start a petition to kick me out.”
“We’ve had worse fights than this.”
“Yeah, but we could solve other issues, not - not this time. I can’t.” He was never one to run from problems. But this was overwhelmingly unbearable.
“Jeonghan, I don’t understand - why are you being so unreasonable all the time?”
“You can also be so fucking unreasonable sometimes.” Jeonghan finally snapped and stood up, both his hands slamming on the table so hard that strips of meat almost bounced off the barbecue stove. Seungcheol looked at him in shock. Jeonghan was always calm and collected, and kept his feelings to himself. He had rarely ever lashed out on anyone like this. In the five years they had spent with each other Seungcheol had never seen this kind of expression on Jeonghan’s face.
It wasn’t anger that he was trying to convey, and he wasn’t telling his visitor to leave either; it was more like reproach, guilt, may with a dash of shame for being seen in such a vulnerable state.
“I need some air.”
He left with the words still echoing inside the crowded restaurant. Everyone was probably looking at him as he walked out, but he couldn’t care less.
***
Shit. Jeonghan thought to himself, as he stepped into the cold, wanting to shove his hands into his pockets but realised they weren’t there.
Becuase he was dumb enough to leave his padded jacket at his seat.
He looked behind him, half expecting Seungcheol to chase after him holding his jacket like some kind of a cliched drama protagonist, hollering the girl’s name while he pushed his way through the crowd. And then there would be a close up shot of both of them bursting into tears (and somehow it wouldn’t ruin their makeup). And the girl would board a train which would leave the station the second the man caught up. And after spending half the episode apart they would miraculously meet at the same station and make up like nothing had happened.
But of course he didn’t. The streets were still filled with complete strangers giving Jeonghan weird looks while he shivered in the cold. Because this wasn’t a fucking drama. Jeonghan breathed out a mist of whiteness and clenched his teeth together tightly to keep them from chattering.
Great. Now he was stranded in the streets without his phone or wallet or jacket and he was at least thirty minutes walk away from the company office.
After a moment of consideration he knew it was either swallowing his pride and going back, or walk to the office to get his spare coat and credit card from the changing room.
And of course, he chose the latter.
He also had to walk right around the block to avoid walking in front of the restaurant where Seungcheol and other patrons could see him. Luckily he still had his mask on, or he would be more than likely to appear on a news website somewhere, with the article title along the lines of ‘Seventeen member Yoon Jeonghan (aged 25) throwing a childish fit in public’. As if he needed more unwanted speculations from people who didn’t even know him personally.
The crowd pushing past him was unforgiving and cold. The people here in Seoul weren't the same as Hwaseong; the weather here was not the same, the trees and flowers were not the same. Sometimes he would look up in the sky, expecting to see a thousand stars hanging on the milky way. And instead he was always met with skyscrapers so tall they look like they were about to crush him. Nothing was the same, and five years had done nothing to ease Jeonghan into the life I was supposed to be learning to live a long painful stretch from home.
But at least he was not lonely. Not when Seungcheol was there with him.
In the approximately two thousand days he had spent with Seungcheol, it was still hard to tell a lot about him, actually. He had also kept a lot to himself. That was what they had common, Jeonghan supposed, the reason he had developed an affinity to him and he had taken it without complaint. They were both a little aloof and maybe, their aloofness was what tied them together, ironically.
His phone rang and he took it out unwillingly with his freezing hands. It was a call from one of the managers, probably wondering why he had been out so late. He picked it up immediately.
“Hello?”
“Jeonghan-ssi, where are you?”
“Sorry - I, uh, headed out to get dinner.”
“Are you with anyone?”
Jeonghan paused for a second. “No.”
“Okay, just come back as soon as possible, yeah? We are leaving at five thirty tomorrow morning.”
“Right.”
The manager hung up quickly. Jeonghan wasn’t quite sure if he just lied or not. But he couldn’t care less now.
He had walked around the block and started to make his way up the streets again. Another ten minutes passed and he was cold and tired. His legs were sore from practice earlier and the wind was only getting more ruthless as the late night fell. But in the midst of the city lights all he could see was a seemingly stretched and never ending darkness and nothingness.
“Found you.”
The appearance of a more than familiar voice had made him stop his footsteps. In front of him was Choi Seungcheol. Again. After running around in circles like an idiot, it was like they were destined to be stuck in this endless loop.
Jeonghan could only gape at him. ‘How-”
“I knew you would take the next street to walk back to the office for your spare jacket, so I left through the back door and waited here.”
Seungcheol didn’t seem upset anymore. If anything, he proudness was written all over his face for figuring Jeonghan out so easily.
Jeonghan huffed. “Smart, aren’t you.”
“Thanks, but I’m not smart. I just know you enough.”
Seungcheol handed his jacket to him and Jeonghan put it on as quickly as possible. It still smelled like the smoke from the barbecue smoke. Jeonghan wasn’t quite sure what he ought to say after leaving someone in a restaurant in a fit of anger like that, so he only muttered under his breath, “Thank you.”
“It’s fine.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Seungcheol said again.
Jeonghan felt his cheeks starting to burn from embarrassment, ashamed of how easily Seungcheol had forgiven him. He hated to give Seungcheol such a hard time over such a dumb and trivial subject.
“I’ll treat you to dinner tomorrow,” he offered.
“There’s no need to,” Seungcheol simply replied. “Jeonghan, let’s go to Hangang Park.”
“…What? Why?” Jeonghan questioned. “It’s almost nine.”
“I don’t care. Come on.”
Without leaving much space for protest, Seungcheol grabbed his arm and walked down the street, dragging Jeonghan behind him.
***
Jeonghan sometimes dreamed of the days when they hadn’t debuted yet. Those weren’t dreams, perhaps, more of some kind of suppressed memories. Those days were bittersweet and he wouldn’t trade them for anything else, but he had rather not remember some of it.
He remembered the day he and Seungcheol first sat at Hangang they barely knew each other at all. He had only joined the rest of the trainee for around three weeks and they didn’t really have the time and energy to bond despite being roommates.
“Hey,” one day he said, kneeling down to where Jeonghan was sitting in the corner of their practice room. “I’m going to the convenient store.”
“Oh, okay,”
Seungcheol rambled on about their choreography, and something along the lines of how he could kill for some chips right now. Jeonghan was taken aback by the fact that Seungcheol chose to approach him out of everyone (whom he had known way better), and couldn’t hear what he was saying.
“Anyway, would you like to go with me?”
Somehow Jeonghan knew that he was going to end up with a simple yes or no question, and a ‘yes’ escaped his mouth without hesitation.
They weren’t supposed to be eating food outside of their regular meals; acnes, weight gain, puffy cheeks, they were all examination criteria to look at whenever someone of authority checked up on them (which was rare and irregular for most times). Jeonghan was surprised that Seungcheol would even bring such a thing up, especially when he was the eldest among everyone. He thought he was as strict about rules as the CEO.
They couldn’t return to the dorm in case someone caught them snacking during break, so they just sat at Hangang on the way back, clearing out the two bags of chips and chocolate they had gotten from the nearby convenience store. Jeonghan was never big on snacks, but even he missed how junk food tasted like after weeks of deprivation. For the first time since he had left Hwaseong he found the city air breathable. To an extent, at least.
Seungcheol hadn’t attempted to strike up another conversation when they sat and ate quietly. He seemed lost in his thoughts. Troubled in some way. Jeonghan snuck a few glances in between bites, carefully maintaining the half-meter distance between them and wondering if this was appropriate.
“Hey.”
Seungcheol, perhaps still too embarrassed to address him by his name, called out to him again. Jeonghan turned his head and found Seungcheol staring into the distance of the river.
“How do you find it here so far?”
“Uh…”
Jeonghan wasn’t quite sure if he should be polite or be honest. He knew that Seungcheol was admired by most, being the eldest and taking on the leadership role and all that when nobody else was supervising. Maybe this was a routine interview, maybe even a task assigned by the CEO to weed out the weak.
“Don’t worry,” Seungcheol added. “Just tell me what you think.”
Jeonghan looked down at the empty bags of chips and said. “I’m scared.”
Back then, he was scared for a number of reasons. He gave up college education to come to the heart of Seoul, only to find out how harsh and repressive it was. He was scared that this would be his dead end. And at that time he didn’t have any backup plans.
And five years later, he had much more new fears than before.
They had arrived at the same spot as they sat when they were both only nineteen, with big dreams but little means of control over their lives.
“Jeonghan, if you have anything to say, which I know you do, say it now.”
“What, is this some sort of a threat?”
“I don’t like it when you’re bothered.”
Jeonghan’s eyes finally met Seungcheol’s. Jeonghan hadn’t seen them properly for what felt like lifetimes, and he was sure he had never, ever seen them look so - unguarded.
“Seungcheol - ”
The unfounded courage that had forced the words out of Jeonghan’s system came to him as a surprise, too.
Maybe I have one more thing to tell you. Just one.
Under the illumination of the yellow streetlight, Seungcheol raised his head and asked. “What's the matter?”
“Seungcheol, I’m scared.” Jeonghan closed his eyes and admitted.
“Scared of what?”
“You won’t understand.”
“Maybe if you said what you thought out loud once in a while, I would.”
Stars were shining brightly above them in the winter night. Seungcheol looked up at the starry sky and breathed deeply. Without any hesitation in his tone, he continued, ”I've known that since a long time ago. "
“No, you don’t.”
“Maybe I even know things I shouldn't have known.”
“Like what?”
“Like the fact that you have liked me, even before I started to like you.”
Jeonghan glanced upwards and saw Seungcheol smiling back at him, as if thinking of a fond memory.
“And I know you are scared because you don’t think this could last,” he continued without missing a beat. “You’re scared that this would turn into something more, so you ran away from me. Twice.”
“You sure think a lot of yourself,” Jeonghan teased.
“I’m not wrong though, am I?”
“No, you’re not, and I hate it.”
Seungcheol laughed again. It sounded different in the open air.
“Jeonghan,” he said. “Do you like me?”
There was no way of knowing if this revelation was a good one or bad one. Like there was no way of telling whether it was luck or misfortune to have fallen in love with him. But finding these answers would be meaningless. They were here. Together. Under the same roof. Just knowing that was enough for now. Maybe someday they walk on different paths leading to other expeditions. It could be ten years from now, five years, or even tomorrow.
But there was only one thing Jeonghan was certain at that moment. He would never run away again until that moment had arrived.
Making sure they were absolutely alone, Jeonghan quickly grabbed Seungcheol’ shirt collar, pulling him into a kiss as light as the one they shared two months ago. He could feel Seungcheol tense up, frozen even after Jeonghan had let go of him, chuckling at the look on his face.
How he wished he could snap a picture of Seungcheol’s face burning in crimson right there and then. Maybe Misfetch would be willing to buy it off him at a decent price.
“Yoon Jeonghan, you’re such a - cheat. You know that?” Seungcheol managed to say after recovering from the shock.
“Yeah. I get that a lot.” Jeonghan said to him indifferently, unable to hold his laugh.
Seungcheol was laughing with him. And Jeonghan realised that maybe nothing had changed at all. He felt stupid for everything that he had done to preserve what they had.
Maybe things will be fine, after all.
“Lets go home,” Seungcheol said, with his hand outstretched. If there was a Misfetch reporter behind them right now it would had been the perfect time to snap a photo, but that was the last thing that was on his mind. “Or not. I don’t care. We can go anywhere.”
A gust of wind blew through the branches of the trees lining up in a perfect straight line along the river, white petals from the early spring danced along with the wind. Jeonghan caught one that landed right on top of his nose, and smiled to himself.
Seungcheol’s hand were ice cold, but Jeonghan reckoned he would probably never let it go for the rest of his life.
***
BREAKING: SEVENTEEN’S S.COUPS AND JEONGHAN REPORTEDLY IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP AFTER DATING SPECULATIONS RESURFACED
Pledis Ent. has released another official statement earlier today, revoking their previous statement in the midst of the dating scandal between Seventeen’s leader S. Coups (Choi Seungcheol) and member Yoon Jeonghan. The statement has confirmed that though the couple was not officially dating when the speculation first surfaced, another photo captured on 24th Feb, 2019 at 10:30pm at Hangang Park had proven the two to have established a relationship since then. The quick response from the agency had prevented rumours to blow out of proportion.
When Seventeen as a group was interviewed in a music show event earlier this day, leader S. Coups and Jeonghan had not directly responded to any questions regarding their alleged relationship. Whilst the statement has also urged the public not to pry into the couple’s privacy, it did not stop the media, fans and public from expressing their opinions on the matter. However, when asked about how the relationship would affect the future of the group, S. Coups responded promptly with, “Nothing will change because of this. We will always be Seventeen no matter what happens.” Jeonghan had remained silent throughout the interview.
Other Seventeen members, too, had not responded to related questions when asked about their opinions of inter-group dating. However, the group’s variety rising star Seungkwan said in a joking manner, “We have always known, probably since 2014.”
Seventeen’s fans are discouraging the display of any intruding behaviour and comments. Despite receiving tremendous support from fans, backlash and criticism from the general public is inevitable. But Seventeen seemed unfazed by the new attention they have received surrounding the topic. It has been rumoured that several variety shows have reached out to the group for more in-dept interview sessions.
3rd March, 2019.
Misfetch