Chapter Text
International Airspace, 17000 Miles from Tuvalu Island.
Shen Yuan wakes up, blinking, a violent headache pounding in his head. Well, shit. He cannot remember anything from last night aside from some dubiously colored shots served from enema syringe.
Speaking of.
“Are you awake, sir?” A gentle voice asks from above him, instantly clearing his mind. Shit. Where the fuck is he now? This is definitely not his hotel room?! This is definitely not anywhere near the ground!
“Sir?” The blonde attendant smiles patiently at him. “Do you need anything? Warm towel? Coffee? Tea?”
“Uh.” He replies dumbly. He’s on a plane, a private plane. A fucking fancy private plane. And he’s not wearing anything aside from an embossed bathrobe and, oh thank god, his underwear.
“Your clothes are still being cleaned.” The flight attendant supplies, not that it explains anything. “Master Luo is in the front cabin, do you want me to call him?”
Wait. “Who?”
“Master Luo? You two...” The attendant suddenly wisens up and abruptly closes her mouth before throwing a professional smile and scurries away.
Well. That’s… very reassuring. Holy shit was he captured by some seedy person? Oh shit. Somehow he got an inkling that this has at least something to do with that shitty second rate writer. What the fuck happened last night?
The door to the front cabin opens, making him go even more rigid than before.
“You’re up.” A very, very good looking man levels him with a smile. Yeah. Confirmed. This is definitely the opening of a very fucked up thriller movie and this guy is definitely the suave antagonist type. “I was worried that you’re going to feel awful after last night.”
Shen Yuan curls himself in his reclining seat while staring blankly at the newcomer. His mind unhelpfully supplies him with the fact that all attendants has suddenly exited the cabin, leaving the space for the two of them. Crap .
“Are you alright?” Seedy guy with the face of a Cantopop star sits on the edge of the reclining chair. Oh god, please don’t come closer. Don’t come closer. He’s too young to get his organ sold pieces by pieces and spend his days as a supervillain’s plaything! He had watched too many movies with this kind of scenario, dammit!
“Who.” He finally manages to let out his voice. The seedy guy’s face suddenly falls in disappointment.
“You don’t remember me?” He scoots closer. Shen Yuan leans harder to his seat, trying to preserve the precious inches between them. The guy freezes at the reaction. “Shizun, you don’t remember me?”
Shen Yuan blinks at the guy. “No?”
The guy’s lips quivers.
…...
Patreon Supporter Special!! -PLEASE HELP BAIL MY HUBBY OUT! DONATION LINK LINKED IN THE DESCRIPTION!
“Hey!” The portly deputy shouts from between his sandwich. “No recordings allowed here!”
Shang Qinghua resolutely ignores the shout and carefully throw himself at the holding cell’s bars, making sure to keep his recorder’s angle aimed squarely to the person inside the cell.
“Hubby.” He raises his voice and sobs. “Hubby, say hi to our subscribers!”
Mobei-Jun presses his firm and springy chest against the bars and nods cooly at the camera. “Hm.”
“Seriously?” The deputy wipes the crumbs off his face.
No one pays him any heed. Shang Qinghua waves his hand to the wrinkly old man sitting leisurely in the same cell as his husband. “Say hi to Ivan too everyone!”
“Borya? Who is your helper talking to?” Despite that, he still waves to the camera, gleefully showing rows of tobacco stained teeth. “Who am I supposed to greet?”
“No recordings!” The deputy finally rises from his seat and waddles towards them, his belly jiggles underneath his tight sheriff uniform. He barely get five steps away from his desk before Mobei-Jun throws him a sharp glare and stops him in his place. Shang Qinghua continues to sob for posterity.
“Just as you already know.” He shifts his camera towards himself. “MY lord hubby DOESN’T DESERVE to be treated like this.”
“Dude? He vandalized a car! He fucking beat a damn car with alligator carcass!” The deputy taps his leg against the floor, glancing nervously at the two occupants of the holding cells.
“Vandalism. Bah!” Ivan spits at the ground. “That was an art project! Like the ones your silly modern artist do!”
“It is an art project.” Mobei-Jun focuses a sharper glare towards the sweating deputy.
“It was my car they had beaten.” Shang Qinghua adds, a small betrayed tone manages to escape from his words. Its probably better if no one else knows the sequence of event that led to that ‘art project’ “Technically it’s a private property matter?”
“You guys did that in a public place!” The deputy shrilly exclaims. “Even art projects need a permit! Especially the ones involving a bigass, dead alligator?!”
Shang Qinghua zooms in at Mobei-Jun’s incredulous eyeroll. His viewers love closeups of his husband’s face. He HAVE to get enough donation to repair the damn car.
“Guys.” He bites his lips in front of the camera. “We’re in a big, big, big trouble so...”
The deputy flails, still not daring to get closer to the holding cell. “Stop recording damn it!”
“So.” He ignores the red faced officer. “Every donations you made will help us A LOT. I NEED to bail my husband out!”
He reaches over the bars to touch the beautifully toned arms underneath the electric green jersey sleeves. Mobei-Jun raises one perfect eyebrows but put his hand over Shang Qinghua’s hand. Just like any sensible vloggers would do, he lets the camera lingers on those hands.
“We NEED to bail my husband out.” He stresses again to his future viewers. “Please guys... hashtag ‘Love matters’!”
“Shouldn’t it be ‘love wins’?” The deputy pipes up.
“Oh yeah that!” Shang Qinghua grins to the camera. “Anyway, see you in our next video! The video about my car getting smashed will be uploaded soon! Don’t forget to like and subscribe!”
“Will they really send their money to you?” Ivan takes out a packet of half melted Alenka chocolate from his jersey pocket. “I need bail as well. I still need to catch up with Santa Barbara reruns on cable TV.”
“You will.” Mobei-Jun assures him. “We’ll split the donation.”
Shit. My car repair money. Shang Qinghua internally curses.
“Borya, you truly a good man.” Ivan rises from his seat to pat Mobei-Jun’s back. “The best among us.”
“Seriously you guys? He got three assault charges and... oh God .” The deputy glances at the rap sheet displayed on his computer and then to apathetic looking Shang Qinghua. “Seriously dude? You filed five DV complaints in two years? And you’re still married to him?”
“Marriage is hard.” Shang Qinghua looks at his buffed nails absently and shrugs. “Stuff happens.”
“We’re all adults.” Ivan nods solemnly. “How much did you usually get from the donation?”
Fuck no?!! Shang Qinghua thinks in panic. My income!
“Uh.. Ivan Mikhailovich…” He flinch when the old man turns his head towards him, nonplussed. But, whatever! His Honda’s wellbeing is far more important than a few limbs and dignity points! “How about... I set up a personal gofundme for you?”
“What’s that? The money collecting site?” The deputy nods slowly to the old guy in confirmation.
“Yeah. I can make another one just for you?” Shang Qinghua inwardly lets out a breath of relief at the old man’s apparent interest.
“They gonna send money to me?” Ivan squints at him in suspicion. “People hand out money so easily these days?”
“If they like you ? Sure?” The deputy shrugs. “IF. They do.”
“What should I do to make them like me?” Ivan inches towards the cell bars.
“You can be our content creator as well?” Shang Qinghua fistbumps himself inside. “We can ask our viewers to donate to you as well?”
“He’s an old guy, unlike your hot, Chris Brown of a husband there, dude. Who’s gonna watch him?” Mobei-Jun throws a chilly look and the deputy wisely closes his mouth and pretends that his plastic potted plant suddenly become so interesting.
“I was popular.” Ivan says with a far off look. “Everyone wants a piece of this old udaloy molodchik back in the day.”
“Definitely not within this century.” The deputy mutters under his breath, too bad Shang Qinghua is still within the hearing range. Honestly though? Yeah. Agreed. Not that he’d say it out loud.
“You’re still very dashing, Ivan Mikhailovich.” He lies through his teeth. It’s a good kind of lie! He’s trying to spare an old guy’s ego! He’s being kind! “I’m sure the viewers are going like you.”
Just like they love watching various trainwreck of social media personality. How else would you explain his viewership who religiously watches an ex-con with zero social skill and photogenic talent flexes through dirty swamp and flex while slaughtering various Floridan wildlife?
“I should make an introduction video for you. Is that alright?” Shang Qinghua turns his recorder back on. Alright, let’s make this a more touching bullshit than American Idol’s sob story videos.
“I said no recording...” The deputy says again with an almost tearful sob of resignation.
“Sure! What do you want to know about me? This prestarelyiy prelestnik have tons of stories!” The old guy straightens his knockoff Adidas jacket with gusto. “I was so popular back in the day that I got STD just two months after I arrived in the US. Back in Reagan days I got another new disease every year!”
Shang Qinghua chokes. Alright. Bye-bye sob stories, hello Freddy got Fingered!
“How is your dick still hanging?” The deputy whispers out loud. Yeah, Shang Qinghua reeeeaaly want to ask as well.
“I drank so many Russian tonic, really effective. Unlike you younguns with your silly pills.” Ivan sighed. “Young people these days. Really weak!”
Crossing his arm Mobei-Jun cooly pipes in. “You’re a tough man, Ivan Mikhailovich.”
“Borya.” The old man gives him a pat on the back. “You truly are a good man.”
Shang Qinghua records all this heartwarmingly dubious intergenerational exchange for future use.
.......
Genital Surgery for Grandpa
Just as you’ve seen in our last video, you must be aware of our dear friend Ivan’s painful condition. How could you not? Ivan is my hubby’s bestest friend, and they even collab-ed during the Gator vs Honda challenge!
So guys. Please, please, please help preserving my husband’s happiness and prevent Ivan from kicking the bucket real early. Every cent you send matters!!
Created April 7 20xx
Esmeralda Vasilievich(尚清华)- Gator on Ice Channel
On behalf of Ivan Mikhailovich
Florida