Chapter Text
Jimin rubbed his throbbing temple and sighed. He looked down at his phone and typed a message and then deleted it. He tried again but deleted it too before tossing his phone to the side. He couldn’t seem to find the right words. He felt he needed to apologize to Namjoon for the way the night had ended. He hadn’t meant to get so emotional and was embarrassed about his outburst. He picked up his phone again and stared at the contact info, quickly typing a message and hitting send before he could change his mind.
Jimin: Hey, can I stop by really quick?
He tossed his phone onto his bed and moved to check his hair in the mirror. It would be best to just talk to Namjoon and apologize in person. He heard the buzz of his phone and took a deep breath, nervous for Namjoon’s response.
Namjoon: Sure
Jimin was surprised by the one word answer and no punctuation. It made him even more nervous but he was resolved to get it over with. He smoothed out his T-shirt and hoped that he looked somewhat presentable. He slid into a pair of slippers at the door and stepped outside, trotting down his steps and jogging through the brisk afternoon air next door to Namjoon’s. He knocked and then stood nervously, rocking back and forth on his heels.
The door opened and Namjoon stepped back, holding the door for Jimin to enter. Namjoon wore a black hoodie and the hood was up over his brown hair.
“Hi Jimin,” Namjoon said. His voice was scratchy and his nose sounded stuffed. Jimin looked up and noticed that his eyes were rimmed with red and he looked like he’d been crying.
“Oh! Joon-hyung, what’s wrong?” Jimin’s nerves dissipated as Namjoon’s face crumpled and he started to cry. Without hesitating, Jimin opened his arms and pulled Namjoon close. Namjoon returned the hug, wrapping his arms around Jimin’s shoulders and Jimin was surprised to feel Namjoon shaking with sobs. “Hyung, what’s wrong?” he asked again.
“M-my d-dog d-died...” Namjoon choked out before starting to cry even harder. Jimin’s stomach sank. He hadn’t known Namjoon had a dog, but understood the loss so well. He started rubbing Namjoon’s back softly.
“I’m so sorry,” was all he could manage. He hoped that his hug would be comforting to Namjoon as he wasn’t really sure what to say. “What can I do?”
Namjoon stepped back slightly, pulling out of the tight hug and wiping his face harshly. Tears still leaked from the corners of his eyes. “‘s okay, Jimin, I think I just needed to cry,” Namjoon said, his voice broke at the last word and Jimin again felt his stomach drop. He hated seeing Namjoon like this.
“C’mere,” Jimin said, taking Namjoon’s hand and pulling him to his own living room. Jimin sat down on the couch and gestured for Namjoon to do the same next to him. Namjoon sat and Jimin turned to face him, pulling him against his much smaller body. “Cry all you need, hyung. I’ll just hold you if that’s okay...” Namjoon nodded and slouched into Jimin’s hug, laying his head awkwardly against the top of Jimin’s. Jimin adjusted so that he was leaning against the armrest and Namjoon could lay against him with his head on his chest. He rubbed circles into Namjoon’s back and just listened to Namjoon’s sniffles. After a while, Namjoon lifted his head from Jimin’s chest and sighed.
“It wasn’t unexpected... I knew he couldn’t live forever... but I didn’t get to say goodbye... my parents thought he’d make it until my next visit but he j-just g-got worse...” Namjoon said quietly.
“Oh hyung, that’s so hard... I’m really sorry,” Jimin said. “Do you want me to make you a cup of tea, or... is there something I can do for you?”
“It’s nice just having you here, Jimin,” Namjoon replied. “I don’t wanna be alone— Oh wait, you probably have to work…?”
“Um, I just have to re-record this one section of a dance and send the video in… Probably only a couple hours of work,” Jimin replied, wishing he wasn’t on a deadline to submit his routine.
“Oh okay,” Namjoon replied. He sat up and scooted away from Jimin, his cheeks flushed. “Sorry if I made you late, and for crying all over you…” he finished.
“No, hyung, I’m not late— and you’re my friend! I want to be here for you…” Jimin stammered in response. An embarrassed Namjoon stared at his hands and Jimin found him completely endearing. “Hyung, would you want to come to the studio with me? You could watch…”
“Really?” Namjoon asked, his head snapping up to look at Jimin. His eyes were swollen from crying and somehow he still looked handsome. Jimin nodded and set his hand carefully on Namjoon’s thigh, squeezing gently.
“Yeah, hyung, I mean, I understand if you just wanna stay here… I know it’s been a rough day and it’s probably boring—”
“No, I wanna come!” Namjoon said firmly, rubbing his eyes a bit and straightening his hair. “I’d love to see you dance, Jimin.”
Jimin felt his face flush and he smiled.
At the studio, Jimin pulled a folding chair from the reception area and set it along the wall for Namjoon before pulling out his tripod and video camera and busying himself with setting it up. He felt Namjoon’s eyes on him and was self-conscious. After setting up the camera, Jimin turned to Namjoon. “Um, I’m just gonna warm up a bit so… uh, yeah…” he said. Namjoon nodded. Jimin felt Namjoon’s eyes on him as he stretched and his face flushed. Once he was loose and warm, Jimin reached for the remote control for the sound system and handed it to Namjoon.
“Hit play on this when I’m ready?” he asked.
Again, Namjoon nodded. His eyes were wide and expectant. Jimin trotted to the video camera and started recording before moving to the center of the studio and nodding to Namjoon. He felt his heart racing with nerves as the music began to play. He shut his mind and felt his body taking control, moving through the dance he had worked so hard to construct. It was sensual and powerful. Sharp, hard hitting movements contrasted with smooth body rolls and powerful jumps. Jimin felt alive and carefree. He felt like he was flying and could forget the world around him in his movements. When the music stopped, Jimin closed his eyes and listened to the sound of his own breathing for a minute. His heartbeat was in his ears and he shook his head harshly, hating the sound.
“Wow…” Namjoon breathed. Jimin turned and moved to the camera to stop the recording. He blushed when he saw the look on Namjoon’s face. His eyes were wide and his smile was sheepish. “That was… Jimin— You’re incredible.”
“Thanks, hyung,” Jimin said. He had never been great at having an audience. He preferred filming his routines privately. There was a reason he’d chosen to be a choreographer instead of a performer. “I’m still not sure I am 100% happy with it…” Jimin removed the camera from the tripod and walked back to where Namjoon was sitting in his chair. He slid down onto the floor, crossing his legs and turning to face Namjoon. “Wanna watch the recording?”
“Yes!” Namjoon said.
Jimin felt his heart jump slightly at the enthusiastic look on Namjoon’s face. He scooted so that his back was grazing against Namjoon’s leg and turned the camera screen up so that both of them could see it. He pressed play and felt Namjoon set his hand carefully on his shoulder as he leaned down to look at the screen. The warmth of his hand was comforting, and Jimin hadn’t realized he needed it until that moment. He tried to focus on the recording but all he could think of was the weight of Namjoon’s hand and the feel of his leg against Jimin’s back.
Jimin was glad to see that Namjoon was slightly cheered up, but felt a nagging feeling in the back of his mind like a warning bell. He couldn’t let himself feel completely comfortable. Jimin was conflicted. He liked Namjoon. That much was clear. But Jimin didn’t know how to feel about liking someone. He didn’t think he was ready, and yet his body screamed for more touch and closeness from Namjoon. He knew that Namjoon pitied him, and that made Jimin angry and embarrassed. He didn’t want to be pitied. Not by Namjoon and not by anyone. His thoughts continued to wander until he felt Namjoon squeeze his shoulder and clear his throat.
“Uh, Jimin?” Namjoon said softly. Jimin looked at the camera he was holding and realized the recording had stopped playing. He was leaning against Namjoon’s leg and a hand still rested on his shoulder. “You okay?”
Jimin sighed. He hated being asked if he was okay. Constantly. Like everyone he knew was just waiting for him to fall apart. “Yeah—sorry, hyung. Just got distracted,” he replied, his voice toneless.
“Jimin, you dance beautifully. Thank you for letting me watch you…” Namjoon said. His voice was soft and shy and Jimin loved it. He shook his head harshly to clear his thoughts and pushed away from Namjoon’s leg, standing up and turning off the camera. Namjoon stood too and walked toward Jimin.
“Hey, you said something last night and—”
“Hyung, I’m sorry... I’m not normally—”
“No, Jimin, let me finish...” Namjoon said, looking into Jimin’s eyes. Jimin nodded and looked down at his hands to avoid the intensity of the look. Namjoon continued, “I know the past year has been horrible for you... and... well, last night you said a couple things that I wanted to clarify...” Jimin couldn’t help but interrupt.
“Hyung, that’s why I messaged you this morning, I wanted to apologize. You’re a great guy and it’s not fair for me to put my emotional baggage on you and—” Jimin stopped talking as Namjoon stepped forward and put his hands on both of Jimin’s shoulders, looking him square in the eyes. His eyes were still slightly puffy from crying earlier but the intensity in them made Jimin’s heartbeat quicken.
“Jimin, please.” Namjoon waited for Jimin to interrupt again but Jimin nodded to tell him he’d let him finish. He went on, “You said that I’d never want someone like you, and I don’t know… I just, I guess I wanted to tell you that I… I like you, Jimin… Not because I pity you… but because I think you’re incredible. You’re strong, and resilient and… kind… and fucking gorgeous…”
Jimin’s face felt hot and he couldn’t look at Namjoon anymore. The intensity in his eyes matched the tone of his voice and Jimin felt like his skin was burning underneath Namjoon’s hands. He looked down, looking anywhere but at Namjoon and then squeezing his eyes shut until he felt Namjoon’s hands leave his shoulders before he put a hand gently under Jimin’s chin, directing Jimin to look up again. Jimin’s heart jumped into his throat at the feeling of Namjoon’s hand on his face.
“Namjoon, I— I’m just…” his voice trailed off. He didn’t know how to explain. He was terrified. Conflicted. Sad. So many emotions. Jimin felt his eyes start to fill with tears and pulled Namjoon’s hand off of his face, turning away so that Namjoon couldn’t see him.
“I’m sorry, Jimin… Don’t cry…” Namjoon said softly from behind him. Jimin looked up and realized he’d turned away but was facing a mirror and Namjoon could see the tear that had slipped down his face. “I don’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry. That was selfish. I just… I guess I just wanted you to know…”
Jimin wiped his face and turned slowly back toward Namjoon. Namjoon was looking at the floor and playing with his hands nervously. Jimin reached out and set his hand on top of Namjoon’s, stilling them but not speaking. Namjoon looked up quickly, meeting Jimin’s eyes. He looked startled and nervous at the continued silence. Jimin didn’t know how to respond. Namjoon’s confession had surprised him. He had been so sure that Namjoon wouldn’t want him. So sure that he’d see him as a broken mess. He stood with his hand on Namjoon’s, his eyes still filled with tears and didn’t know what to say.
“Um, do you want me to go?” Namjoon asked, dropping his hands and breaking the contact between them. He looked at his feet and looked like he wished he were invisible.
“No…” Jimin replied in a whisper, taking half a step towards Namjoon and stopping, conflicted. Namjoon looked up again, his eyes darting between Jimin’s, his brow furrowed in concern. The silence grew and Jimin started to panic. It had been easier to think that Namjoon could never like Jimin. Namjoon’s confession hung heavily in the air and Jimin tried hard to process quickly, to say something. Say anything. But he couldn’t. He liked Namjoon too. And it terrified him.
“Jimin, it’s okay…” Namjoon closed the distance between them and pulled Jimin into his chest. Jimin realized his face was wet with tears and let himself sink into the hug. “It’s okay if you’re not ready, um, or if you don’t feel the same way… I don’t want to push you… Or make you uncomfortable…”
Jimin felt Namjoon’s hands rubbing circles on his back and heard his own breathing, ragged and choked with sobs. He wasn’t sure when he had started crying but couldn’t seem to stop himself. He was overwhelmed. Guilt riddled his thoughts and he pictured Chan’s face, smiling at him. He remembered what Chan had said before they’d taken him back for his first surgery, before he’d been really sick. “If anything happens to me… No, Jimin, please— If anything happens, please don’t forget to live… I want you to be happy… That’s all I’ve ever wanted…” Jimin had cried and protested, kissing him and clinging to him. “I’ll never love anyone as much as I love you…” Jimin had said right before they wheeled him away. “Just… live, Jimin…” Chan’s voice rang in his head and his tears continued to fall.
Jimin felt his chest tightening and it was harder and harder to breathe. He gripped Namjoon’s hoodie and clung to him as if he were drowning and Namjoon was the only thing keeping him afloat. He felt Namjoon’s hands on his back and heard Namjoon’s voice in his ear.
“Hey… hey, you’re okay… It’s okay, Jimin… Breathe…” Namjoon stepped back so that he could see Jimin’s face. He looked down at Jimin’s head resting on his chest and continued speaking softly. “Look at me and breathe like me…” he said before taking exaggerated deep breaths. Jimin tried to focus on Namjoon’s face and take deep breaths. The look in Namjoon’s eyes was one of deep care and concern and Jimin started to feel himself calm down. “That’s it… Keep taking breaths like that… You’re okay…” Namjoon continued.
Jimin clung to Namjoon and continued his measured breathing. When he felt the tightness in his chest dissipate, he let go of Namjoon for long enough to wipe the tears from his face. He must look like a complete disaster. “Joon-hyung, I… I’m sorry…”
“Jimin-ah, it’s okay… Don’t apologize…”
“Hyung…” Jimin started. He let go of Namjoon’s hoodie and stepped back. He needed space between them so that he could think clearly. He moved toward the mirrored wall and slid to sit down against it, gesturing for Namjoon to do the same. Once Namjoon had settled next to him, Jimin took a deep breath. “I really like you, hyung. It’s just a lot to process… It’s hard for me to feel okay thinking about someone else… Someone who isn’t Chan… And I thought you— I didn’t think you’d want anything to do with me… I’m broken…” he said bleakly. Jimin closed his eyes and sighed. He felt Namjoon’s hand come to rest on top of his own.
“Everyone’s broken, Jimin,” Namjoon said, his voice soft. “I would never try to take Chan’s place… But I can be here for you… Whatever that looks like… However you need me…” Namjoon’s voice trailed off and he squeezed Jimin’s hand. Jimin entwined his fingers with Namjoon’s and felt his stomach swoop. He felt like he needed Namjoon already.
“And I’ll be here for you, Joon-hyung,” Jimin replied. He felt Namjoon’s eyes on him and looked up. Namjoon’s face split wide with a dimpled smile when Jimin looked at him. Jimin smiled too, a little uncertainly. He moved to stand but Namjoon tugged on his hand and Jimin stopped on his knees. Namjoon moved to kneel in front of Jimin and wrapped his arms around Jimin’s waist.
“Is this okay?” Namjoon asked nervously. Jimin nodded and felt a heat in his stomach at the feeling of Namjoon’s hands pulling him closer. “We’ll take this slow… whatever you need…” Namjoon said. His voice was quiet and his eyes were intense. Jimin’s knees ached from the hard floor but he didn’t care. He wrapped his arms around Namjoon’s neck and leaned in close. He could feel Namjoon’s breath against his forehead and suddenly he wanted nothing more than to taste Namjoon’s lips against his.
“Joonie?” he asked tentatively, looking up at Namjoon, his eyes filled with desire. Namjoon looked suddenly nervous and Jimin watched his tongue flit out to lick his lips.
“Y-yeah?” Namjoon replied.
“Will you kiss me?” Jimin felt stupid as the words left his mouth but he didn’t think Namjoon would do it without Jimin’s explicit permission. Namjoon’s breath caught and he tightened his hands on Jimin’s hips.
“Are— are you sure?” Namjoon asked, his voice so filled with caution that Jimin couldn’t stand it. He leaned up and brushed his lips carefully on Namjoon’s. He felt like his entire body was on fire as Namjoon hummed softly and pressed into the kiss, pulling Jimin closer for just a minute before pulling away and pressing a careful kiss on Jimin’s forehead. Jimin sighed contentedly and played with the hair on the nape of Namjoon’s neck.
“My knees hurt…” Jimin said with a giggle. Namjoon took this as an order to stand and pulled Jimin up with him.
“Was… was that okay?” Namjoon asked. Jimin nodded and pulled Namjoon back into a hug. He felt safe and calm and even though his heart was sad he felt hopeful. For the first time in a long time, he let himself think of what could be. He felt excited for the future and thought that maybe he could be happy again.
Fin.