Chapter Text
Cute.
It was just a word.
The nature of words is that they can be used by anyone, and words themselves don’t hurt.
Natsuki had encountered many words.
Useless.
Always.
Trash.
Often.
Mistake.
Sometimes.
They had hurt.
A fork may be useless for soup. It was just a word.
You can throw out the trash. It was just a word.
Mistakes happen, and they can be resolved. It was just a word.
Natsuki had used words that hurt too.
Bitch. Edge. Cut.
“Hey… Yuri…” Natsuki spoke softly.
The two were on her couch. Natsuki was laying on top of Yuri, who was on her back on the couch, softly stroking Natsuki’s hair. Natsuki was comfortable and warm.
“I…” She paused. It shouldn’t be this hard to apologize anymore. “I’m sorry for how I acted before.”
“What do you mean?”
“Y’- Y’know, when I called you a bitch and told everyone your secret…”
Yuri was silent. The hand that was stroking the shorter girl’s hair had come to a halt.
“I was… out of line. I wanted to help you, I really did. I didn’t know how and when I got upset, I took it out on you. I shouldn’t have done that. It’s… a reflex.”
The hand had moved away from her head and was now gripping her shoulder. “You weren’t the only one. I was obsessed with him… I think I was imprinting on hi-”
“Imprinting?”
“It’s a term sometimes used for people with borderline personality disorder. They can imprint on someone and form a deep emotional attachment that can get obsessive. I felt like my life revolved around him… And I took it out on everyone because I thought my life was going to be over if someone took him away. After Sayori started dating him… I felt terrible. But!” Yuri took a pause because she felt Natsuki stiffen. “I worked through it. It’s hard but realizing my feelings for you helped. I thought I loved him, but I just loved the attention he was giving me. I… I need to work on working through those feelings more.”
“Shit. Whoa. That’s a lot.”
“Believe me, I know.”
“Did you… Do you…”
“Still cut?”
“Y-Yeah…”
“Yes.”
“…” Natsuki didn’t know how to approach this. She wanted her girlfriend to be safe, but she knew it wasn’t that simple. “Can I help?”
“I…” A pause that was uncomfortably long. “Natsuki, there are some things that I don’t even know about you yet. And before we continue, I think you need to be more honest with me too.”
Nerves froze as Natsuki was finally getting up to face Yuri. “What do you mean?”
“You don’t think I notice the redness of your cheek at least once a week? The bruises you get that you try to cover up like I cover my scars?” Yuri pulled up her sleeves to emphasize her point. “How hungry you always are? How hungry you were when you collapsed that day?”
“…”
“Or the poem you wrote calling out for help? I noticed. But I didn’t intervene. And I am sincerely sorry. I was not in the best place. But if you want to help me… Nat, you have to allow yourself that same kindness.”
“But he-” Yuri put a finger to pink girl’s lips.
“He is hurting you. You don’t hurt someone you love.”
Tears formed in the small girl’s eyes. “I-”
“You deserve love, just like I do. You deserve help.”
Crying was the best she could do now. She needed help and Yuri was there. She needed to help and Yuri was there. Natsuki lamented how crying in front of Yuri felt cathartic.
Natsuki was still working on her meal. Eating was still a challenge. The size of her stomach was adjusting to having food always available, but she couldn’t handle big meals quickly. There were many nights where she lay awake hungry before. Now, she lays awake to make sure her body doesn’t release everything she has tried to put into it.
“It’s okay if we pack it up to go for later too, cupcake,” The voice breaking her from her thoughts, Natsuki nodded in acknowledgement.
“Thank you…” It was hard not expecting comments about being a wasteful brat or staring down to avoid the glare that would have been pointed at her. No, it was only the kindness that radiated from lavender eyes. “I-”
Natsuki wondered if these anxieties would ever go away. Each time she thinks about food, there’s a pit in her stomach. If she even glances at food now, it threatens to remind her of the times when her papa would actually be bringing home food. It makes her miss him. He was twisted and couldn’t show her his love. He became worse and worse as time went on, but she still missed her papa, who would pick her up and swing her around. The man who would joke with her and call her precious. Not the man who would kick her in the stomach when things got to be too much for him. Not the man who blamed her for everything under the sun. Not her father.
Once again, her thoughts are broken, this time by the ringing of the bell at the front door. She responds to Yuri, “Ah! Sorry, I got a bit lost in my thoughts. I’m glad you’re here for me.”
“No problem, cupcake,” Yuri’s emphasis on the last word causes her face to go red.
Natsuki looks away, towards the counter to hide that fact.
She sees her father.
Her face goes pale.
Yuri’s slumber is interrupted by the ringing of her phone. She annoyedly and drowsily checks who was called her this late.
It’s Natsuki. She’s made 5 calls prior.
“Hey.”
“Is everything okay, Natsuki?”
“No. Can you come over and pick me up? I need to stay with someone tonight.”
“Has h-”
“Yuri, please come quickly. We can talk once you’re here.”
“Okay, I’m on my way…”
Yuri readies in a hurry and makes her way to Natsuki’s swiftly. She’s there. She can see only one light on, waiting to notify her that the resident she was there for would open the door.
Natsuki comes out with two bags. She throws them into the back and get into the passenger seat. Before Yuri can say anything, Natsuki wails and tears start to fall from her eyes. The young, fierce and exuberant girl broke down once again in front of her.
After she had calmed down, she began, “He was yelling again. He was so loud.” A pause. Natsuki considered showing the results. She did.
“Love, you don’t deserve that,” Yuri pulled down the glove box to hand Natsuki an ointment to help soothe the bruises. Some relief would be good. Natsuki agreed and put on some the ointment.
She continued, “It was so much louder than usual. He was throwing things around. He said he wanted to kill me, so I hid in my closet, away from him. He pounded my door, telling me if I didn’t open the door, he would throw me out onto the streets with nothing.
One of the neighbours must have called. The police came and knocked on my door. I didn’t know until they told me and I opened the door to avoid suspicion. He got taken in for questioning because they saw all the bruises.
…
I’m scared. What if I am left on the streets? He was the only family that would support me. He was right. I am a useless brat. I’m sorry for being born a mistake.”
“Natsuki, you are none of those things. He says them to hurt you and they’re not true,” Yuri took her hands. “You’re extraordinarily precious and his prerogative was protecting you.”
“Yeah! But he didn’t! At least he still fed me sometimes! Where am I supposed to go now?! Where do I stay? I don’t work enough to support this house. I barely work enough to be on my hrt and have some snacks from time to time. This is all I have! Whoever called is ruining my life!”
“Natsuki, what he was doing wasn’t okay, you can’t still believe it was,” Yuri held onto the smaller girl’s hand tighter.
“But where will I go, huh? I can’t just stay with you forever,” Natsuki lashed out.
“Why not?”
Natsuki was caught off guard. She wasn’t sure she heard Yuri right, “H-Huh?”
“Why can’t you stay with me? I’m living alone and there’s a guest room for your things. You can stay in my bed too. You’ll have regular meals. You don’t have to worry about being around him. And you don’t have to stay forever, just until you can find your footing.” Natsuki considered the proposition.
She had stayed with Yuri before so it wasn’t the worst idea. But could she move out so quickly? Her father would likely oppose.
“My pap-”
“He hurts you. He might be back, but you don’t have to be here when he does. We can write him a letter explaining everything. I will protect you if he tries to bring you back.”
“Yuri… This isn’t… going to work,” Natsuki’s voice was ever-so-quiet.
“Please, let me try to help you. You’ve done so much for me. I’ve been clean for a month because of you and I want you to be free from him. He can’t shackle you here… I want you to be safe…” Yuri had tears forming in her eyes now.
Natsuki sighed. She wanted this. But was it the right choice?
“Okay… okay. I’ll go stay with you. But just until I’m ready to be by myself.”
“Absolutely!” Relief had washed over Yuri, but the tears were still pooling. She hugged Natsuki, “I will protect you.”
Yuri knocked on the stall.
“Is he gone?”
“Yes, he has departed.”
“What took him so long?”
“He wanted to pass on a message. I’m not sure if you want to hear it.”
A sigh. “Sure, not like he can make things any harder.”
“He said he was sorry…”
“Yeah, like a hundred times already!”
“And h- he said he was going to a counsellor to work through his anger,” Yuri wasn’t sure if she should be telling Natsuki any of this, but she knew Natsuki would eventually ask.
“I-” There’s hesitation as she begins to speak, “He still hurt me. I don’t know if he will get better. He might pretend to be better just get me back there again. I don’t want to go back there…”
“Y- you don’t have to… I concur. He may get aggressive again. I would fight to keep you away from him. Ah!”
“What?”
“I kind of… already… I slapped him out of anger when he approached me,” Yuri’s voice was rapid, but soft.
Natsuki practically jumped out of the stall at hearing that. “What?! Did that bastard hurt you in any way after?”
“N-No!” Startled by the rush, Yuri’s voice rose again. “But… You don’t have to go back there. We don’t know if he will get better. Maybe, if he does, you can visit. But that’s a choice you make, not him.”
“I know. Thank you, sweetie. I love you.”
“I love you too, cutie pie.”
They made their way out of the bathroom. Yuri apologized for the disturbance they caused at the café. Finally, they are back at their house. Yuri starts to make some tea once they get in. Meanwhile, Natsuki makes her way to their room and starts to change. Yuri comes up with tea once she’s done.
“Geez, didn’t you just have tea at the café?”
“Uh! W-Well… you can never have too much tea…” That was typical of Yuri, she could never be separated from her tea, “And it soothes me.”
The two had agreed that Yuri had to find different ways to manage her stress and her compulsions. One of them was tea. So of course, Natsuki asks, “Are you okay?”
“Yes! Just… my nerves are still up here,” She makes a gesture to above her head, “So I want to calm down after what happened with your father.”
Natsuki pulled Yuri onto the bed once the tea was set on the table beside the bed. She rubbed Yuri’s shoulders. Another way to manage her stress and compulsions.
It had been hard to give up the previous “management”.
The blood-water mixture pooled at the bottom of the sink. The colour was getting deeper each second. She’s been clean for over a month. She had helped Natsuki move in. She had done so much to bring herself and her love up.
But the blades called. The edge called her. Her wrists screamed to feel cold to release their warmth. It was all wrong.
She felt all wrong. It was just one cut, light. Then it was one more cut, deeper. Then another, too deep. She screamed when that happened. She had never screamed before. Was it a vein she cut? Or was the pain from failing herself? From failing Natsuki? For ruining all she had worked towards for an entire month.
She was a failure. She was all wrong. She wanted to cut again.
Once Natsuki heard her scream, she ran up to find the aftermath of her failure. She didn’t say a word. She just grabbed the lavender scented girl holding blood-soaked cloths and rushed her to the bathroom. The blood mixed with the water as her wrists felt cold again.
“Why?” Was all Natsuki asked.
‘Because I’m a failure.’ She looked to Natsuki’s eyes. Concern. “It’s been a rough week, I suppose.”
“You said you’d come talk to me…”
‘Because I’m all wrong.’ More concern. Disappointment? Understanding? “I’m sorry.”
“We’re going to start again. You did good for a month.”
‘But I want to cut again.’ Sincerity. “Will it be okay?”
“Yes, Yuri. I’m still here.”
“You won’t get tired of me?”
“Relapse is normal. I won’t leave you for that.”
Was she a failure?
“We all make mistakes. You can do better next time.” Maybe she was, but she could try again.
Was she all wrong?
“It doesn’t make you a bad person because you relapsed.” Maybe she was, but she could do better. She could learn.
Did she want to cut again?
“Your thoughts don’t control you. You can get through this.” She did, but she was going to challenge her urges. She was going to get better and get through this.
The girl beside her brought her back to a ground state more times than she could have ever imagined anyone could. As she wrapped the bandages around her arm, Yuri reached out with her free hand and stroked the pink hair. She also gave the smaller girl a kiss on the forehead. She could do this. For Natsuki.
She could do this.
For herself.
She could do this.
“All done. Come down and we can have some of the most delicious stew you’ll have ever tasted in your life.”
“I’m going to make us something to eat now, sweetie.” Natsuki said quietly before kissing Yuri on the cheek. She made her escape slowly to be careful not to wake the girl who had fallen into a slumber.
It had been hard for Natsuki to adjust once she had first moved in. She felt guilty, like a burden on the most important person in her life. She needed to do something, or anything, to calm her nerves. First, her father had called and demanded she come back. She almost did. Yuri assured her that nothing would go wrong if she didn’t go back. It was added to the list of things she wanted to repay Yuri for.
Now he was in therapy? It seemed too good to be true. Regardless, she didn’t want to move back in with him. For a while, she felt like she was the biggest imposition for Yuri. She wanted to pull her own weight and feel comfortable being in the space she was being provided with no costs. She started to do the chores and clean the house spotless. Yuri wasn’t too fond of it when she saw how Natsuki’s hands have been rubbed raw. They came to an agreement for cleaning: following a schedule. No more blisters followed that new rule.
Still Natsuki felt like she wasn’t doing enough. She insisted that she cook every meal. They tried that for a few days, but Natsuki had almost no experience actually making a good-portioned lunch. Yuri took over breakfast and lunch-prep, but Natsuki would still do a big dinner. Eventually, she didn’t need Yuri’s help to figure out how much she should be cooking for 2 people. She was so used to only cooking for one and having leftovers. If there was anything left that is.
It took a while, but she got used to living with Yuri. After multiple arguments with the taller girl, she realized that she was doing enough. More importantly, even if she wasn’t, she didn’t deserve to be punished for it.
She deserved love.
For the night, she had decided to make spaghetti with a cheese blend.
She heard Yuri making her way down the stairs when she was almost done. The other girl snaked her hands around the petite body of her girlfriend.
“An exquisite aroma,” Yuri’s voice was soft and groggy.
“Only the best for you.”
She had support in the form of the beautiful girl that was holding her. She unwrapped herself and whisked around to catch the purple eyes in surprise and plant her lips where they belonged.
“Because you give me the best too.”
She supported her girlfriend too.
“Yes, because you are the best, and because you’re so cute” Yuri whispered before pulling her girlfriend in for another kiss.
Natsuki had one thought as their kiss deepened.
‘Damn, this is sickeningly cute.’