Chapter Text
In Monica’s apartment, the guys are sitting in the living room, watching the TV intently while Monica talks on the phone in the kitchen. Joey and Chandler are snuggled on one end of the couch while Ross sits on the other.
“This is so cool, you're actually gonna be on television,” Ross says, deciding he’s done with his food and discarding the leftovers on the already messy coffee table.
"I know!” Joey exclaims, sitting up. “It really hit me last night, I'm gonna be on Days Of Our Lives! And then I started thinkin' about all of us, and how these...” he pauses. “Are the days of our lives." Ross rolls his eyes in response.
"Congrats, sweetheart, I know this is huge for you,” Chandler smiles warmly as he runs a hand up and down his boyfriend’s back.
"Thank you, Chan."
All of a sudden, Monica shouts from the kitchen. “Yes!" she says with joy as she puts the phone down.
"What?" the buys ask in unison.
"Carol and Susan's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend and she's in a full body cast!"
"Yes!” the group mocks, sounding confused.
"And they want me to do it, which is really cool seeing as I've never catered before and I really need the money and-“ Monica stops to look at her brother. “This isn't a problem for you is it?"
"Would it matter?" Ross sulks.
"Oh, you are so great!” She leans over to give him a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you!"
"Are you really not goin'?" Joey asks his friend.
"I'm really not going,” Ross says bluntly. “I mean really, I don't get it, they already live together, why do they need to get married? Why can't they just stay the way they are, like... like you guys?"
"Uh, well may-" Chandler starts, putting his arm around Joey in a more protective gesture.
"Yeah, yeah, you guys are a perfect example!” Ross almost shouts. “Why can't Carol and Susan just stay like you guys, a nice, normal, couple that's not married."
Chandler immediately starts blushing at the M word. “W-well we're not gonna- I mean one day we are-“ he stammers, much to Joey’s amusement. “We-we've barely been together two years, didn't Carol and Susan just start dating like a year ago? That's fast,” he manages to recover.”
"I know! Gosh, I just don't see why they have to do this..."
"Because they love each other!” Monica says with a smile. “And they want to celebrate that love with the people that are close with them!"
"If you wanna call that a reason...”
"Oh, who's the bitterest man in the living room? The bitterest man in the living room?” Chandler says in a sing-song voice. When Ross glares at him, he grins. “Hi, neighbor.”
"Ross, I thought you were over this,” says Monica.
"That has nothing to do with this, okay, she's my ex-wife,” Ross argues. “If-if she were marrying a guy none of you would expect me to be there."
"Aye, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be, like, the worst lesbian ever,” Joey says. Chandler chuckles and kisses him on the head.
Suddenly, Rachel bursts into the apartment, and she runs to the TV while simultaneously removing her jacket.
"Did I miss it? Did I miss it?" she asks.
"No, no,” Joey answers. “I'm on right after this guy shoots himself."
"Woah, she's pretty,” Ross says about the girl on the TV as he moves over to make room for Rachel.
"Yeah, I guess. But she's really nice too. She taught me all about, y'know, how to work with the cameras, and 'smell the fart acting.'"
"Honey, the what?" Chandler asks.
Joey looks around, and the rest of the group looks confused as well. He explains, “it’s like, ya got so many lines to learn so fast, that, sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one!” He notices the group leaning forward, hanging onto his words. “So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where ya look all intense. Y'know, like this." He demonstrates a really serious face.
"Oooh..." the group says in realization.
"Oh, here's my scene, here's my scene!"
"Mrs. Wallace?" Joey’s character, a doctor, says on the television.
"Yes?" a pretty woman, his co-star, responds.
"I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon."
"Tell me... Is she going to be alright?"
"I'm afraid the situation is much more dire than we'd expected."
Everyone’s eyes are glued to the screen, excited to see Joey doing his job on TV. He’s really good at it.
"Your sister is suffering from a...” the doctor pulls the face Joey demonstrated earlier. He looks really deep in thought. “A subcranial hematoma. Perhaps... We can discuss this further over coffee."
The woman smiles, and the scene ends.
Chandler gives Joey a quick kiss. “Babe, that was amazing!" he says afterward, laughing.
The group claps and Joey blushes as he gets some pats on the back. “Yeah, it was excellent!" Ross congratulates.
"You were so great!" says Rachel with a huge grin on her face.
Joey looks at his friends. “Thank you guys,” he smiles, then he turns to his left. “Ya really liked it, Chan?"
"Of course, I loved it!” Chandler responds. “Y'know for a minute there I thought you were actually tryin’ to smell somethin'."
//////////////////
Everyone is bursting into applause, as the episode of Days Of Our Lives is over and they’re making Joey repeat some of the lines they liked the most.
“All right!" Ross cheers.
"It's so good, babe!"
"Do it again!"
Joey takes a deep breath, flattered by his friends. “Damn it, Braverman, it's right there on the chart!" he says in a stern voice, pointing to nothing in particular. Everyone applauses and cheers.
"Joey, c'mere and gimme a kiss, I gotta get to work. I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect,” Chandler says, putting on his jacket. Joey makes his way over to him.
"No, no.” Ross says, looking somewhat offended. “No, that's me."
“Oh, right,” Chandler says absentmindedly after getting a kiss goodbye from Joey. Him and Ross make their way to the door, only to open it and see Phoebe just standing there.
"Oh,” Ross says, surprised.
"Hello."
"Oh. Thanks. I couldn't, uh..." Phoebe trails off, dazed. She goes to the kitchen table and puts her bag down.
"Is everything okay?” Ross asks.
"Uh, no. Uh-uh. Um...” Phoebe blinks rapidly. Any other person would’ve likely been crying by now. “One of my clients died, on the massage table today."
"Oh my God."
"That’s uh, little more relaxed than you want 'em to get,” Chandler says, earning him a harsh glare from everyone.
"Yeah, uh-huh. Um, she was, y'know, eighty-two years old. And, um, her name was, um... Mrs. Rose Adelman,” Phoebe explains. Her hands shake.
"Oh, honey..." Monica says sympathetically, rubbing Phoebe’s head.
"I know, it's just so strange, I mean...” Phoebe takes a deep breath. “She probably woke up this morning and thought, 'alright, I'll have some breakfast and I'll take a little walk and- and, y'know, I'll have my massage. Little did she know, God was thinking, 'Okay, but that's it.'” She sighs, then perks up when she remembers something. “Oh! Oh, and the weirdest thing happened, okay. I-I was cleansing her aura when it happened? And when- when her spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far."
"What do you mean?" Rachel asks, looking genuinely interested.
"I-I, I think it went into me."
The whole group takes a step back, everyone likely thinking something along the lines of, ‘Phoebe’s being weird again.’
//////////////////
While Rachel is busy taking orders and getting coffee, her friends sit around their table in Central Perk, all reading, writing, or drinking.
“God, this is so hard! I can't decide between lamb or duck!" Monica complains, staring at her little notepad.
"Well, of course, lambs are scarier,” Chandler says, with the tiniest hint of a smirk. “Otherwise the movie would've been called 'Silence Of The Ducks.'" Everyone laughs, including Joey, who gets lost in staring at Chandler’s cute smile.
Rachel walks to her friends, tray of coffee cups in hand. “Okay, who ordered what?"
Ross looks up from his newspaper. “Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim,” he remarks.
"Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it- is that decaf?" Chandler asks, pointing to a certain cup.
"Oh, oh, God..." Rachel whines.
"I can't believe you're so uptight about your mom comin'." Joey says softly, trying to make Rachel feel a little better.
"I know, but it's just-“ Rachel stammers, then takes a deep breath. “It’s the first time and I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marry Barry, my life is total crap, y'know?"
"You wanna talk about crap,” Phoebe says, but her voice sounds different. She sounds older and has a bit of an accent. “Try listening to Stella Neidman tell the story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time."
Everyone looks at her like she’s crazy, then remembers what she said about the old lady’s spirit going inside of her. Albeit, it still sounds crazy. “Uh, Pheebs... How long do ya think this lady will be with us?" Joey asks.
“I dunno!” Phoebe’s back to speaking normally. “She obviously has some kind of unfinished business; sit up!" she commands Chandler.
“There she is!" exclaims a familiar woman who walks into the coffee shop.
"Mom!" Rachel shouts, sounding relieved. She rushes to the woman and hugs her tightly, then takes her bag and jacket.
"Hi sweetie!” she greets her daughter. “Oh... So this is where you work! Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room, is it a restaurant, who can tell? Well, I guess that's the fun."
"Pretty much! Here, meet my friends!" Rachel takes her mom’s arm and leads her to the group.
"Monica, you look gorgeous! Oh my, the last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten." Monica just awkwardly smiles at the backhanded compliment.
"Uh, this is Joey, this is Phoebe, and this is Chandler. And you remember Ross."
"Oh, hello, Ross!"
"Hi, Mrs. Green,” Ross says, offering his hand to shake, which she ignores.
"So, what do ya think of my daughter, in the apron? With the big job?"
"Oh, Mom..." Rachel blushes.
"Oh, hey. If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink,” Mrs. Green smirks. Rachel laughs, relieved that her mother’s proud of her for working this job.
"Believe me, sometimes that happens!" Chandler adds, a passive-aggressive tone to his voice.
"This is just so exciting! Y'know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you...“
"Oh, really?" Rachel asks her mother, accepting the hug she offers.
"Yes."
Phoebe interrupts them, talking as an old woman again. “I know who it is you remind me of- Evelyn Dermer.” She points to Mrs. Green. “Cause that's before she got the lousy facelift, now she looks like Soupy Sales."
"Pheebs... who's Evelyn Dermer?" Joey puts down his coffee to look at Phoebe worriedly.
"I dunno. Who's Soupy Sales?"
//////////////////
In Central Perk later that day, everybody is sitting at their usual place. Ross sits on the big chair, Phoebe on the small one. Joey sits on the seat of the couch, while Chandler is on the armrest, and he pushes Joey’s hair back every now and again. Monica and Rachel are also on the couch. Most of the group gasps as Rachel explains that her parents are getting divorced.
“You had no idea they weren't getting along?" Ross asks.
"None,” Rachel responds, looking depressed. Her eyes are glassy and sad.
"They didn't fight a lot?" Joey asks, resting his head on Chandler’s knee.
"No, they didn't even talk to each other! My God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems?"
"Y'know, in my day, divorce was not an option,” Mrs. Adelman, the old lady in Phoebe says. It’s her first time speaking for hours.
"Hey, look who's up!" Joey says, rolling his eyes and feigning excitement.
"Ugh, I just can't believe this is happening!” Rachel continues to complain. “I mean when I was little, everybody's parents were getting divorced. I just, y'know, I just figured as a grown-up I wouldn't have to worry about this."
"Well, is there any chance you could look at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing this because she wants to be more like you,” Monica attempts to comfort her friend.
"Well, then, y'know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut?"
"Y'know, it's funny, when my parents got divorced they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves,” Chandler explains, bringing up his parents’ divorce yet again. “But in your case, it's actually kinda true!"
An elderly man walks into Central Perk, looking lost. He catches Phoebe’s attention. “Oh, that's him!" she exclaims, rushing over to meet him.
"Damn. My mail-order grandfather hasn't come yet,” Chandler chuckles.
Phoebe talks with the man, Mrs. Adelman’s husband, trying to explain what she thinks happened with his wife’s spirit, and what she can do to get rid of it. All she can gather is that Adelman wanted to “see everything,” and that’s a daunting task.
//////////////////
It’s chaotic in Monica’s apartment. She is forcing her friends to help with the food for Carol and Susans’ wedding, and said friends find it unbearable. She’s constantly shouting at them, giving them time updates and telling them to go faster.
“Alright, people, we're in trouble here,” Monica yells again. “We've only got twelve hours and thirty-six minutes left. Move, move, move!"
"Monica,” Chandler huffs, looking up from his tedious dicing. Gosh, his neck is cramping. “I feel like you should have German subtitles."
"Joey! Speed it up!” she commands.
“Hey, don’t yell at him,” Chandler tries to tell Monica, but his sentence falls on deaf ears as Monica’s looming over Joey’s shoulder.
"I-I'm sorry, it's the pigs, they're reluctant to get in the blankets!" Joey stammers, as he has little to no idea what he’s doing.
"Monica, how did this happen, I thought you had this all planned out,” Phoebe says.
"Do you want me to cry?” Monica says, harshly. “Is that what you want? Do you wanna see me cry?"
"Sir, no, sir!"
"Alright, you!" Monica marches over to her brother, who’s on the couch.
"What, no!” he immediately says. “Look, I told you, I am not a part of this thing."
"Alright, look, Ross. I realize that you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do. But if you don't help me cook, I'm gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs and create a new appetizer called, 'pigs-in-Ross,’” she threatens. Apparently it works, as Ross gets up and heads to the kitchen. “Alright, ball a melon!"
"Hey, how come I'm stuck dicing when he gets to ball a melon?" Chandler whines. Monica’s response is interrupted when she hears a knock on the door. She opens it to see Carol, dressed in a jacket, hat, and gloves.
"Hi,” Monica greets.
"Hi, how's it going?" Carol says meekly, stepping inside to take a look around.
"Oh, it's going great, right on schedule. Got my little happy helpers!" Monica says. Everybody groans in response.
"Well that's fine, whatever....” says Carol, looking distressed.
Ross notices this and stops his melon-balling. “What's the matter?"
"Nothing...” Carol says, then sighs. “Okay, everything. I think we're callin' off the wedding."
"What?" Monica yells. “You're still gonna pay me, right?” Everyone glares at her. “Or... something a little less selfish."
"Carol what's the matter, what happened?" Ross asks, concerned, as he leads his ex-wife to the couch.
"My parents called this afternoon to say they weren't coming,” Carol tells him, tearing up.
"Oh my God."
"I mean I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but... but they're my parents. They're supposed to give me away and everything." Her voice cracks.
"Okay, I'm sorry."
Carol sniffles. “Oh and Susan and I got in this big fight 'cause I said maybe we should call off the wedding, and then she said, 'we're not doing this for them, we're doing this for us,' and if I couldn't see that, then maybe we should call off the wedding, and I dunno what to do..."
"I, uh, can't believe I'm gonna say this but I think Susan's right,” Ross says reluctantly.
"You do?"
"Look, do you love her? And you don't have to be too emphatic about this..."
"Of course, I do."
"Well, then, that's it. And if George and Adelaide can't accept that then to hell with them.” Ross tells her. He sounds stern. “Look, I mean... If my parents didn't want me to marry you, no way that woulda stopped me. Look, this is your wedding. Do it."
"You're right,” Carol manages to smile a bit. “Of course you're right."
"So we're back on?" Monica asks from the kitchen.
"We're back on!"
Monica turns to her friends, who finally took a break from cooking while Carol and Ross had their little talk. Phoebe was sitting on the counter, and Chandler had his hand on Joey’s waist. They all cringe when Monica turns back to them and starts shouting. “You heard the woman! Peel, chop, go! I can't believe I lost two minutes!”
Carol and Ross stand up, and hug.
//////////////////
Carol and Susan’s wedding looks beautiful, especially on such short notice. The room is a little cramped, but people don’t seem to mind that much. Joey and Chandler stand off to the side, arms around each other.
“Man, I'd hate to be a straight guy right now,” Joey says, looking around the room. “It just seems so futile, y'know? All these women, and... nothin'.” Chandler laughs at his attempt at humor. “I can't even talk to lesbians,” Joey continues. “Like I got stuff in common with guys and straight girls, but lesbians? Nada, I just feel so awkward around 'em."
"Well now you understand how I feel. With everyone. Every day. Okay? The world is my lesbian wedding,” Chandler responds. He looks at Joey to see him looking up at him. “Except when I'm with you..." he grins, and leans over to softly kiss his boyfriend.
"Aw..." Joey swoons, kissing him back.
The small band starts to play their instruments, and all the guests turn to the entrances. Phoebe takes a butterscotch out of her bag and starts to unwrap it, which gets her a lot of stares, as it’s very noisy.
"Butterscotch?” she asks, in Mrs. Adelman’s voice. No one responds, they just keep staring. “No one? Alright, you'll be sorry later..."
Monica is the first to emerge, with Ben, in a stroller decorated with flowers. Susan comes in from one side with her parents. From the other, Carol comes out, arm-in-arm with Ross. They finally reach the altar.
"Thank you,” Carol smiles at Ross.
“Anytime...” he says. Carol tries to walk away, but Ross keeps a grip on her arm.
“Ross-“ she begins, and he reluctantly lets go of her.
A woman at the altar with short hair begins to speak. “Y’know, nothing makes God happier, than when two people - any two people - come together in love. Friends and family, we are gathered here today to join Carol and Susan, in holy matrimony,” she starts, but is interrupted by the voice of Mrs. Adelman.
“Oh, my God. Now I’ve seen everything!”
Phoebe gasps, and people stare. “Woah, she’s gone!” she exclaims. “Sh-she’s gone! She’s gone. Go ahead, get married. Go, go!”
//////////////////
“Hey, handsome,” Chandler says as he approaches Joey during the after party.
“Hey, Chan!” Joey’s face lights up. “Gosh... you look so handsome in that suit. Did I tell ya that already?”
“Yeah, I think ya did...” Chandler says, slipping an arm around Joey’s waist. “But I don’t mind hearin’ it again.” The couple laughs, enjoying each other’s company.
Rachel walks up to them. “Hey, can I borrow Joey for a sec? They’re takin’ pictures and I want one of us,” she requests, with a kind smile.
“Sure,” Chandler answers, loosening his grip on Joey.
“I’ll be back soon,” Joey says after kissing Chandler on the cheek. Chandler smiles as he watches Joey and Rachel walk off; they look happy.
Out of the corner of his eye, he spots Phoebe, and goes up to her.
“I miss Rose...” she says, looking around nervously.
“Oh, yeah?”
“I know it’s kinda weird, but, I mean... she was a big part of my life there, y’know, and... I dunno, I just feel kind of alone.”
When Phoebe finishes, a short woman with cropped hair steps in front of her. “You know, I, uh... Couldn’t help but overhear what ya just said and I, uh... I think it’s time for you to forget about Rose, move on with your life,” she says sympathetically. “How about we go get you a drink?”
“Okay,” Phoebe laughs. “That’s so nice!”
The lady triggered Chandler’s radar. He tries to tell Phoebe what she’s getting into, but they walk away too quickly. He sighs and turns around to see another woman standing next to him.
“I shouldn’t even bother comin’ up with a line, right?” She glances at him briefly in response. “Y’know, I’m, uh, actually I’m one of you...” he starts, trying to make conversation over a common interest. “N- not a lesbian, no, uh...” Chandler panics. “Him! Over there. That one’s mine,” he says, pointing out Joey.
“Aw,” she grins. “Aren’t you cute.”
//////////////////
A few days later, the gang, plus Ben, is in Monica’s apartment when Monica pops the question.
“Okay, which one of us do you think is gonna be the first to get married?”
“Uh, Mon, I was married,” Ross laughs nervously.
“Yeah, me too, technically,” adds Phoebe.
“I had a wedding...” Rachel says.
“Alright,” Monica responds. “Just tryin’ to start an interesting discussion.”
“Well it’ll probably be those two if Chandler can get over his commitment issues,” Phoebe laughs. The group nods along.
“Oh, I got one!” Joey says excitedly. “Which one of us do ya think will be the last to get married?”
Everyone turns their heads to look at Monica.
“Wha-“ she stammers. “Isn’t Ben in this?”
“Oh yeah!”
“Of course he is!”
“Absolutely!”
The conversation trails off into something else, and Chandler begins to think. He ponders the possibility of marrying Joey someday. He wonders if he’ll be able to commit to him.
But as he sees Joey’s face light up as he laughs at something Rachel said, Chandler’s never been more sure of anything in his life.