Chapter Text
That morning, I stepped out of the hall where my graduation ceremony was held and was greeted by many faces; most were the remaining and old members of my volleyball club, and some were those who I met through other chances. It was a little embarrassing to receive more gifts than other people, but it could be because I’d worked so hard as a captain and class representative in my last year of school. The tears forming on my mother’s eyes couldn’t beat the happiness shown by the friends I’d cared for.
“Congratulations, Senpai.” Among everyone, F/N was the only one speaking casually. Her eyes were a little red, but it didn’t bother me that much because she often stayed up until two to finish her work as the student council president. I’d seen her always not looking too fit in the morning that it’d confuse me more if she were too energetic.
“Thank you,” I responded with a grin. “I’ll go to a Chinese restaurant with my friends. Do you want to come? My mother’s paying.”
“Eh? Can I?”
“Of course!” Those who heard her uncertainty answered on my behalf. She giggled and nodded, accepting the offer without whining.
But she wasn't being her usual self. She kept zoning out and only made a sound when someone specifically asked her something. She didn’t drink the orange juice she ordered, let alone the plateful of fried rice that the others would love to take home for dinner. For two hours, I waited for us to finish the little party, and as soon as we said goodbyes, I stopped her from leaving all by herself.
“Let me walk you home,” I said right in front of the cramped parking lot.
“How about your mother?” she asked.
“She has a car with her.”
“Ah, okay. Thank you very much.”
I’d known her for five years since the beginning of middle school, but we rarely went home together because of our consistently conflicting schedules after school. I was always a part of the school’s volleyball team, and she was always an active member of the student council. I’d end my practice at eight p.m., while the only time she left school that late would be when she had an event to take care of, like a cultural festival or when our governor came to visit.
I thought she’d be happier when we could spend our last day wearing a uniform at the same time, but she treated me like I didn’t exist. If we walked in a busier street, she’d most likely bump against people or poles because even if she looked like she was staring at the road ahead, her mind was flying to everywhere but here. It worried me. Even during her saddest days, she was never this disconnected from her surrounding.
“Hey.” I could no longer hold my concern about her current condition, so I began.
She tilted her head toward me. “Yes?”
“Have you ever lied to me?”
“Why would you ask that?”
“Just answer me.”
“I would never lie to you.”
“Then will you tell me what’s the matter with you?”
She stopped moving her feet, and so did I. Then, we stared into each other’s eyes like she was about to reveal the secret her family had been holding for generations. I was glad we stood in an empty alley we used a shortcut to our neighborhood because we had all the space needed to talk about a deep subject. As long as no one came, nothing should bother us.
“Keiji-senpai,” she cooed. “Will you give me anything I want?”
“It depends.”
She forced out a laugh before muttering, “Then… will you kiss my cheek?”
“Huh?” I raised one eyebrow. “Why would you ask something like that?”
Instead of replying with words I could fathom, she brought her head down until I couldn’t see her face anymore. I never thought someone like her would dare to ask such a thing, but people didn’t suddenly change. There must be a greater meaning behind her request that most likely was related to her strange behavior today. However, I doubted she’d explain. It’d been scorching over the past few days, so could it the weather’s fault?
“Even if it’s only on your cheek, you should ask somebody you love to kiss you. You’re old enough to understand this, don’t you?” Using logic, I refused.
“But I’m already doing it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m already asking someone I love to kiss me.”
Her statement didn’t surprise me that much. All the signals she’d sent me were too obvious to ignore, but even if I never fell in love, I knew how love would be. I never had trouble breathing when I saw her, nor had I ever tried to find her trace when I was in public places. For all this time, what I felt for her was adoration and respect from a brother to his sister. It was never more and less. She was special, but I could never imagine myself touching her with lust.
“But the person I ask should also love me back,” she said when I became quiet for too long. “Is that what you want to say, Keiji-senpai?”
“I’m sorry,” I carefully responded. “I consider you as a good friend, but I don’t see you in that way. I hope this doesn’t change anything.”
“It’s okay. Nothing will change. Thank you for being honest,” she said before walking ahead of me. We remained quiet until we arrived at her place, and she took the deepest bow that she’d only give to a teacher or older person she wasn’t close with. It made us feel like strangers, and it pissed me off since just minutes ago I’d told her that this shouldn’t change a thing.
“F/N,” I said after she entered her gate.
“Yes?”
“Will you call me after you calm down?”
“Okay.”
“I’ll see you soon.”
“See you soon, Senpai.” She smiled and waved her hand, but a call never came. After a few days, I tried to call her first and didn’t hear anything back. I knew she was keeping her distance away from me, so I tried to be understanding by giving her all the time she needed.
Then a week later, my mother heard from our neighbor that her family had relocated to another prefecture. They didn’t say the exact place nor leave an address. I went to her house to confirm it with my own eyes, and the news was as real as it could get. The only things left in the house were the furniture handled by the moving company they’d hired. I thought she’d be like a protagonist in a movie and entrusted a letter or something memorable for me to the workers, but there was nothing.
To make things worse, she changed her phone number and deactivated her social accounts. I worked hard to get her new ID by forcing her close friends whose mouth had been sealed tight, but when I tried to reach her, what I got was a full shutdown. My messages were read or ignored, and my calls were never answered. A month of one-sided effort was enough to tell me she didn’t want me in her life. So I stopped looking and gave up on us.
But now when I look back to that day, her eyes were probably red because of the arguments her family had and the fact that she had to leave everyone behind. Perhaps the reason she demanded a kiss was to assure herself that a man could love her after her father proved her otherwise. She was an expert in hiding her problems. I could’ve asked more questions instead of telling her to “calm down”, but I didn’t. Despite claiming myself as her brother, I failed to help her.
F/N is nowhere to be seen when I wake up the next morning. She must’ve gone back to her own house when I fell asleep, so I don’t bother looking for her and head to the bathroom to clean up one last time in this hotel. It’s seven o’clock, and my flight to Tokyo is at four. I pack my bag because I’ve decided to check out now—there’s nothing else I need here so I won’t waste my money and time by going back and forth.
After double checking every corner of the room, I leave with my backpack that gets heavier from my dirty clothes. My next destination is the restaurant downstairs that’ll serve me breakfast, and I almost want to fight the workers because apparently, I need to pay 1,500 yen. It isn’t too costly for a traditional Japanese buffet—salmon and tuna are expensive—but I thought it’d be included in the eight thousand I’ve paid. I’m not frugal; I’m just someone who knows how hard it is to earn my own money.
There aren’t many people inside, so I sit at the table next to the window with the view of the busy streets. It’s a trick of mine to leave out carbs because they’re cheap and filling and go with the meat that no matter where the origin is, will cost more. Their miso soup is one of the best I’ve tasted, but I don’t even drink too much of it because it’ll fill me up too fast. I might also need to tell the couples sitting across from me to stop eating toasted bread and fried eggs.
“Oh, Keiji-senpai is here!”
Just as I serve myself a second plate of grilled eels with unagi sauce, F/N comes into the restaurant. At least this time she uses the door and doesn’t just pop her head from under my table, which is something that I’m sure she can do. I let her inspect my food and make some remarks about me missing rice and vegetables, but I ignore her as I sip my glass of freshly-squeezed lemon juice. They should bottle this juice and create a trademark out of it.
I register that F/N’s able to lean against an object when she sits on the table beside me, but I think that’s not the case. Since she’s a soul, her body must be weightless. She doesn’t actually feel the table, but she can make herself stay on it without feeling tired. There are too many things I need to know after everything she said last night, so I wonder if I should interact with her. I don’t want to break our connection, but isn’t it better to try and regret later than stay silent and not resolve anything?
“Did you sleep well?” I’m a little surprised by the calmness of my voice. Seems like I can’t hold the barrier between us.
Not knowing how to react, she parts her lips before looking behind to find no one there. Then she turns back around to shoot me a puzzled look, seemingly unsure if I’m really talking to her. This is going well because our eyes are meeting for the first time in a decade, and I still retain the ability to see her. I should go back to the internet and correct those people who theorize otherwise.
“Yes. You,” I continue, putting my glass down. “What did you do last night when I was asleep? Do you even need rest?”
“Eh?!” she shrieks as her face goes paler. “You can see me?!”
I nod and smile like there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s hard not to laugh when she immediately stands up and dashes outside through the windows in front of us. She stops before reaching the road—perhaps because she realizes that she can’t run away forever—and glances at me over her shoulder. Her expression is a total mess. She should be mortified because she’s shown me her antics, or happy since she doesn’t have to feel so lonely anymore.
My stomach isn’t as full as I’d like it to, but I can’t wait to straighten things out with her. I wear the backpack I’ve put down on the floor, give the key of my room back to the receptionists, and run after her. The reason she chooses not to float should be because she doesn’t want to scare me and because of that, she looks like a normal human being. As the distance between us decreases, I almost follow my heart and embrace her in a tight hug, but then I’m reminded that I’m physically unable to do that.
“Forgive me.” Before I get the chance to speak, she bows. “Senpai, I’m really sorry for everything.”
“It’s good you’re sticking to the promise you made to yourself.”
“You don’t have to mention that!” she shouts with teary eyes that capture everything except my face. I don’t want her to hold back, but I also don’t want her to cry if it’s out of regrets. But after leaving me hanging for so long, at least I have the rights to take a little revenge on her.
“There must be a reason why I’m the one who can see you,” I start my teasing.
“Yes, I’m sure…” She fastens her eyes on the ground between our feet.
“Do you have any idea?”
“N-no, but I regret what I did…”
“What did you do?”
“I pushed you away.”
“Ah. For ten years?”
“…yes.”
“That wasn’t nice.”
“I’m sor—”
“Don’t bow down,” I prevent her from bending herself again. Once is more than enough. I won’t let her treat me like I’m in a higher position.
“Yes. I’m sorry, please don’t get mad at me…” she pleads.
“I’m not mad.”
“…I don’t believe that.”
“Okay, but can we talk as we walk?” I let her go after noticing some people who have been whispering behind me. In their eyes, it must look like I’m talking to myself. I must go home in a few hours, so I can’t afford being suspected by officers patrolling the area.
“O-of course! Do you want to visit the hospital? Why don’t you call my mother?” Still keeping her sight away from mine, she leads the way ahead.
“I’ll do it later after we finish talking. How are you?”
“Eh… I’m not fine because I’m stuck in the plane between life and death. How are you?”
“I’m fine because I have the privilege to interact with the one stuck in the plane between life and death. Your family would pay money to obtain my power.”
The sound of her giggles warms me up. “How are your parents, Senpai? Are you still living with them?” she asks.
“No, I’ve been living by myself in a small flat for six years. My parents are doing well.”
“Glad to hear that. I hope my mother will find a new boyfriend. It’s been ten years, but we can always hope.”
“Are you still in contact with your father?”
“I don’t have a father.” Her sentence is sharp and bitter. This must be what her mother meant about her being bolder. She never got mad at anyone who wronged her, but her father must’ve done something inconceivable to make himself dead in her eyes.
“Do you ever feel hungry?” I switch to a lighter topic.
“No. Neither do I need to shower, poop, pee, or fart. I can’t vomit. I can’t feel heat or cold. It doesn’t hurt when I slap myself. I miss being itchy. I don’t feel like a human anymore,” she describes everything I need to know with some unnecessary additional information because I don’t care if she can still fart or not.
“Is this the real you?” I remark.
“We’re not going to talk about that—no, don’t give me that smirk! I'm serious!”
But how can I keep my face straight when she’s being this endearing? If only I could pat her head, I’d do it right at this moment.
I arrive at the hospital when two nurses are cleaning F/N’s room, including changing her basic necessities such as her clothes and feeding tubes. They do their job without uttering a single complaint, and F/N confirms their dedication by sharing all the wonderful things they’ve done for her. She thought she wouldn’t get a maximum treatment because it could all go futile when she ended up dying, but the workers here have treated her like their own family.
“Hello. Are you F/N’s friend? I haven’t seen you before.” A woman in her forty suddenly appears in the hallway and greet me with a smile. She wears a plain blue t-shirt and white trousers, so she can’t be a nurse or a doctor who always has their uniform on.
“It’s Akechi-sensei, my physiotherapist who’s also my mother’s new best friend. She’s really nice, but a bit nosy.” Like she can read my mind, F/N enlightens me. A physiotherapist is someone who rehabilitates injured patients or people with disabilities exercise so they can pick up their daily activity once they get better. This therapy is particularly important for someone like L/N who’s been immobile for three months.
“Yes, I’m Akaashi Keiji, her friend from Tokyo,” I reply.
“Tokyo? That’s far. I’m Akechi, her physiotherapist. Is her mother coming?” Akechi asks.
“I’ve called her. She’ll be here soon.”
“Then, Akaashi Keiji, do you want to help me?”
“You don’t have to, Senpai.”
“I’ll help,” I decide for myself and pay no mind to F/N’s words. The three of us wait for the nurses to leave the room with the used clothes and other bits and pieces in their hands before coming in. The only difference I see in this room is the color of pajamas F/N is having. Since her soul is in a shirt and hiking pants, it only means that she wore them during the accident. In other words, her soul isn’t updating her appearance.
“The flowers weren’t there yesterday.” Akechi smiles at me. “They’re beautiful.”
“They are,” I say as we circle the bed, her standing beside the table where the jar of flowers is placed, and I’m on the other side with F/N next to me. She yanks the blanket off F/N’s body and shows a fragile figure underneath. She looks weaker and smaller than her soul, and it breaks me to see her in this unhealthy state. I must always remember that her body is the important one. Our secret interaction is precious, but our mission is to awaken her.
“We do this twice a day, in the morning and afternoon. First, we massage her to relax her muscles.” With both palms, Akechi kneads F/N’s right leg. “Go on. Help me with the other one.”
I glance at the flustered woman beside me before following Akechi’s command—I wish I could say “F/N is watching, so I think I can’t do this”. We pull F/N’s toes and massage her ankles right up to her thighs. The only person I’ve done this for is my mother, but it usually doesn’t last for too long because she’ll end up lyin on her belly and ask me to step on her back. She’ll call it a day after she hears some cracking sounds. If only we could do the same to F/N.
“Nervous, aren’t we?” Akechi asks with a playful smirk. “I never thought she’d have a friend this good looking. I thought her brother was already a God’s gift to the world, then she also has you. What a lucky girl.”
“Thank you.”
She halts her work for a moment just to take one long look at me. “You’re tall. One hundred eighty-five centimeters?”
“Around that, yes.”
“Do you play any sports?”
“I used to play volleyball in school.”
“You have a good posture, but mind you, F/N’s brother is in the army. He’s just as sturdy as you, and if you break her sister’s heart, he can kill you in one strike with bare hands. He won’t even like you for touching her sister like this.” Akechi’s way of speaking is very intimidating that it feels as if she has the book of life which lists all the bad things I’ve done in life. However, one doesn’t simply make me feel so helpless and small. Her warning doesn’t work on me because she’s the one who asked for my help.
“My brother is very protective of my mother and me,” F/N adds, wrapping her hands in front of her chest. “He’ll really do something if you hurt one of us.”
“I’m not going to hurt you,” I accidentally respond while looking sideways at her, but I soon realize my mistake when Akechi gives me a confused look. “—her. I’m not going to hurt her,” I immediately correct myself by pointing at the girl’s sleeping face.
“Pfft.” Her giggle is adorable as always, but I don’t appreciate how she acts like it’s entirely my fault to begin with. If everyone can see her, they’ll perceive her as a human like all of us. Her body isn’t transparent, so they must touch her to find out the truth.
“You know, it might be a good thing that you’re here,” Akechi says as she goes back to F/N’s leg and stretches it vertically. She orders me to do the same to the other one. Fifteen reps each. It’s not like I can refuse.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“There are two forms of therapy for comatose patients; physical and emotional. They can hear us even if most of them won’t remember any of it once they wake up. A few years ago I got malaria and was unconscious for a week, and I could hear everything my parents and friends told me. They told me to wake up soon, I wanted to, and I did. Words said by our loved ones can help us recover faster.”
Oh, I can’t talk about everyone, but surely F/N can still hear us.
“One doesn’t come all the way from Tokyo just to meet a friend,” Akechi continues. “Maybe she needs a true love’s kiss.”
“Ugh! Akechi-sensei talks too much sometimes!” F/N blurts out, and I smile, not because I think this talk is shallow and amusing but because I wonder if a true love’s kiss could really wake her up like a fairytale. I’m too old for believing in this thing, but after witnessing the mystical for the past eighteen hours or so, who am I to refute that anything is possible?
I spend the last few hours of my visit by talking to F/N’s mother about her life. The next time I’m here, she promises to bring me to her uncle’s pasture in Kumano, a tiny town in the south of Tsu. She then tells me about her caring son who’s deployed in Kumamato, where the west army of the Japan Ground Self-Defense Force is based on. No matter how busy he is, he never forgets to go home at least once a month. He often spends hours sharing the stories from his workplace to his unconscious sister.
It’s hard not to think that if only her husband hadn’t betrayed her, this family would’ve been as perfect as the one pictured in televisions. Her daughter wishes she find another partner—which I can agree with because she deserves to be loved—but when I think about it, trusting someone after getting hurt that badly isn’t an easy thing. It won’t be wrong if she’s had enough, and all she wants to do during her old age is to see her children grow. I’m glad that F/N didn’t turn into someone with trust issues because then I wouldn’t stand a chance to be a part of her life anymore.
“I must leave now,” I announce when the time on my phone hits one p.m. My flight will leave in three hours, but the ferry ride is forty-five minutes long, and there are many bus stops I must take. There’ll be another flight if I miss one, but I can’t throw away money like it’s growing in my garden.
F/N’s mother seems woeful over my departure, but I have to work early in the morning. I can’t call in sick after telling some friends that I’ll be visiting a friend in another town, and I don’t want my salary to get cut off either. I don’t think she’s lonely because she has many of her family members here. Whatever it is, the way she looks at me pulls at my heartstring, and it makes me feel like I’m leaving my mother who’s been begging me to stay. It’s that sad.
“When will you come again?” she asks.
“Maybe next month. I can’t afford coming so often.”
“If I help pay for your flight, can you come next week?”
I shake my head, standing up from my chair. “I can’t let you do that, L/N-san. Don’t worry. I’ll save up, and I’ll definitely come again.”
“…okay.” She gives up on forcing me and smiles. “Don’t forget to say goodbye to F/N.”
She doesn’t have to tell me because I’m already planning to do it. I move closer to the bed in front of me and strokes F/N’s head, whispering “see you later” while her soul watches me intently. I should buy an accessory for her hair, maybe some crystal clips that she can use with various outfits. I also imagine the color of lipsticks and blushes that’ll complement her skin. She’s beautiful that I want to do anything to make her even prettier.
“Please don’t give up,” my next words flow so easily as I play with her hair a little bit more.
“Thank you, Akaashi. Take care on your way,” her mother says in a murmur after I let go.
“I’ll be leaving now. Thank you for everything. I had fun.”
We bow to each other and just like that, I take my bag and step out of the room with F/N who of course is walking by my side. Throughout our way, I’m waiting for her to say something hysterical about her mother—maybe that she agrees with her family paying for my flight—but she shuts her mouth like she ruminates on the end of the world. I’d say that she also doesn’t want me to leave, but her lack of expression affirms nothing. It stays this way until we reach the front yard of the hospital.
“Are you coming with me to the airport?” I stop where there aren’t many people passing by and stare at her.
“No, we should part here. It’s too far for me to come back alone.”
“You can’t teleport?”
“Hahaha. I wish I could. I’d be in Canada now.”
“Well, then…” I try patting her shoulder, knowing full well that I can feel nothing. “Take care of yourself. I’ll see you again.”
“Senpai,” she calls me out loud before I manage to bring my hand down.
“Yes?” I ask.
“In case we don’t meet again, I love you.”
Her confession stuns me. Could this be the thought filling her mind as we left the hospital? Seeing her rosy cheeks and bashful grin, it must be it. In case we don’t meet again. She knows there’s no guarantee of her survival. No one has ever claimed that there’s a hundred percent chance of her waking up. The next time I’m here, I might lose this power. No one can predict the future, just like how I suddenly met Nakamura who worked with her, got her address, and went to see her again.
“Have you ever lied to me?” I begin with the question I asked her ten years ago. The situation has changed, but the weight of words remains the same.
“Hmm… I’ve lost count, but I won’t do it anymore,” she gives a more realistic answer.
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Then… last night when you said that it’s okay if I don’t love you back this time, did you really mean it?”
She coyly curls her lips upward and shakes her head. “I didn’t.”
“I was going to ask you to call me, but we can’t do that, can we?”
Her laugh puts me at my ease, and I’ll tell her everything the next time we meet.