Chapter Text
changbin's condition only gets worse as time flies.
for the first few days, he was fine. jisung had said otherwise, telling him to go to the hospital, in which changbin reasoned that (1), he has no money to pay for the expenses, and (2), he's fine. he doesn't need medical help. yet.
so he sucks it up and pretends nothing even happened. jisung has made a pact to tell no one, and surprisingly, he kept his word (forgive changbin for being surprised, usually jisung only lasts for about three minutes before cracking and telling everyone alive about a secret he's kept).
everything goes haywire four days later.
he hasn't coughed a petal since that morning in the bathroom, which makes him assume that it was just some fever dream he and jisung had shared. his assumption is broken though, when he wakes up at four in the morning due to a coughing fit. the familiar pain in his throat is back, and it only takes about a minute before he's retching flower petals on his bed. most of them are covered in blood, and before changbin realizes, he's doubled over on the side of the bed, hurling bile and flower petals.
he feels a hand rubbing at his back, and he doesn't even notice jisung waking up, but the younger's at his side immediately, letting his warmth comfort the older. once changbin's fit is over, he's curling up against jisung, tears streaming down his face as sobs wrack against his body. jisung is saying something he can't quite decipher, he's dizzy and nauseous and he absolutely hates this feeling.
"go wash up, hyungie. i'll clean this up." jisung states, giving him a smile. changbin can only nod, weakly dragging himself to the bathroom.
he locks the door behind him, removing all his clothes after. before he could even step inside the shower, he's met with his reflection in the mirror. he looks the same as he was the first day he started coughing flowers, his skin as pale as paper, eyes clouded and unfocused, there's a bit of blood on his bottom lip that he wipes off, before sighing and moving to the shower.
when he walks back in to the room, jisung's sat on changbin's bed. the younger motion's him over, and he complies. he snuggles against the younger, sighing as jisung soon falls asleep. changbin buries his face in jisung's chest, masking the smell of bleach the other had probably used to clean up.
when they wake up a few hours later, none of them say a word.
changbin's distracted the whole week, which surprises everyone but him. the group knows something is wrong, yet they don't say anything. changbin is usually open with his problems, or if he isn't, jisung's there to pry it out of him. but even the younger says nothing, so they assume everything is fine, maybe changbin just needs some space.
he doesn't see hyunjin either, so that's good. he feels like the flowers in his chest will start to bloom and rise if he sees the younger. he meets felix a few times though, but he feels nothing. he isn't bitter, or hurt. but the young australian continues to be an awful reminder of the garden growing inside him.
jisung sits to him on one lunch break. it's just the two of them.
"hey hyung," the younger chirps as he sits beside the older. "i did some research on your.. flowers."
"mh." changbin hums, eyes concentrated on the food he's barely eaten.
"some doctors think there's a cure; but it's quite a stretch. takes about a seven-hour surgery and dozens of medications.. and there's only a 70% success rate, but i-i think it's worth the shot hyung." changbin has never seen jisung's current expression. his eyes are concentrated, his tone serious, although changbin can pinpoint the slight inkling of fear laced in his voice.
"i'll think about it." is changbin's short reply. he isn't lying, he's thinking about it, but honestly he doesn't really know what to do. only now does it sink in, that he's ill. he's sick. sick with a disease that has absolutely no cure.
his mind wanders to minho's story, that of the girl in his class who got taken to the hospital. come to think of it, there's no other news on that girl now. changbin doesn't want to think about it, but he can imagine himself exactly in her predicament.
for a split second, changbin remembers something else. seungmin's allegedly researched cure. true love.
just thinking of those words make changbin laugh. because (1), it's so stupid. love is stupid. he should know. a whole-ass field is growing inside his chest just because his love isn't reciprocated back, and (2), it's funny because, deep inside he knows. he knows that hyunjin is never going to feel the same. hyunjin will never love him, and changbin feels like his heart's been pierced with the thought. changbin's laughing, but his eyes are glazed with tears, and it's so bittersweet.
"what's so funny?" there's a voice beside him, cutting his thoughts and his laughter. he realized how crazy he must've looked insane, laughing at nothing on his own.
"nothing. just thought of something." he tells woojin, who then ignores him completely.
he doesn't notice the worried glances the boys exchange, and the sad expression in jisung's face.
chan and woojin finds out about the flowers two days later.
jisung and him are over their place, working on a track. or at least, changbin is trying. the feeling of nausea is back, but he sucks it up and tries to work. albeit unsuccessfully, chan and jisung already have a whole page of lyrics written down, all the while changbin has barely wrote four words. when chan questions this, all he says is "writer's block." and that seems to work for a while.
woojin comes to feed the three, a task they're unable to do when they're this far in composing. he sets three bowls of ramen on the table, gesturing to the three.
"eat."
chan follows, and jisung does as well. changbin is the last to pick up his bowl, not because he has no appetite or because he's busy writing, but because the smell and sight of the food increased his nausea. he doesn't want to be rude to woojin, though, so he picks up his chopsticks and tries to swallow a small portion of noodles.
that is until he feels his throat clogging up again. he haphazardly places the bowl back into the table, running to the bathroom to vomit. after he does this, a coughing fit soon follows. soon enough the floor is littered with flowers, the normal amount of metals seem to have doubled, and there's more blood that it stains changbin's jeans.
"changbin what the fuck?!" he hears chan yell from the door, but he's too busy hacking out flowers and blood that he can't be bothered to look.
he hears ruckus outside, and feels a hand rubbing his back. must be jisung, he guesses. once his coughing fit's over, he's slouched on the wall, with blood on his jeans, hands and chin. the room is spinning, and he feels so weak, even raising his hand seems to be the hardest task right now. jisung is saying something, his expression looks worried. changbin opens his mouth to comfort the younger, but nothing comes out. his eyelids droop, and soon enough, black envelopes his vision, and he's unconscious in jisung's arms.
waking up was quite a task.
his eyelids feel heavy, and the bright light from the ceiling pierces his vision. it takes a few seconds to realize that he's in a hospital bed, and another to realize that he's not alone. there are eight boys in the room, he counts. everyone's here, he realizes.
even hyunjin.
the sight of the boy clogs his throat, and he starts coughing again. this time, he feels weaker and the pain the accompanies the coughing fits are tripled. there's a bucket in front of him to catch the flowers, blood and bile that he let's out. he doesn't realize this, but tears are streaming down his face as he does so, from physical or emotional pain, he doesn't know. all he knows is that it hurts. and it hurts like hell.
once he's done, there's a lady wiping at his mouth, and a glass cup is pressed against his lips. the nurse feeds him water and painkillers, which do absolutely nothing, he figures disappointedly. the rest of the boys are gone, he notices. they must've been pushed out when he started coughing.
good. he thinks as he lays back on the bed. i don't want them to see me like this.
a bitter laugh comes out of his throat, and soon he's crying whilst he's laughing. how did i end up like this? he roughly wipes his tears with the back of his hand. why me?
before the nurse leaves his room, he requests a dose of sleeping pills.
the next time he wakes up, the first thing he sees is hyunjin.
surprisingly, his throat doesn't get clogged up, nor does he cry (but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to).
"hey hyung." the younger gives him an apologetic smile. "hope you get well soon."
he notices the side table filled with cards and chocolate, and even his munchlax plushie, gyu. he reaches out for the toy, only for hyunjin to beat him to it, taking the stuffed pokemon and handing it to changbin.
"thank you." he mouths. he's too tired to talk.
"i just want you to know hyung that i- we're here for you. you'll get through this, okay?" hyunjin smiles. "i have to go to dance class now. i'll see you hyung."
the younger stands, but before he leaves, he leans down, towards changbin's face, and leaves a small peck in his cheek. on a normal day this would have made changbin smile, fighting off a happy little squeal in the back of his throat.
instead all he fights is the urge to cough a whole bouquet in his lap. hyunjin smiles, unaware of changbin's predicament, and leaves.
the door closes and the garden in changbin's chest grows faster.
his parents visit a day later. the three of them talk, at least changbin would like to think he did. all he did was nod, shake his head, and cough up an occasional petal every five sentences. they've agreed to perform a surgery, but since changbin's case has gotten worse over time, it'll take 12 hours before the operation's finished. the doctors don't say this, but changbin knows that even then, it probably won't be successful.
still, his parents seem to hold on to this, so he does, as well.
before the operation begins, the boys come to visit. each of them talk to changbin in private. the first is jisung, and the older rapper notes that he's already crying before he's entered the room. the rest are quite similar, some of them bursting into tears, and others crying as they smile. it only makes changbin guilty for making them go through this. if only he could do something about it.
the last is hyunjin. of course he is.
the younger smiles as he enters the room. "hey hyung." changbin already feels his throat clogging, but he somehow manages to suppress it this time.
"i'm not gonna say much more, since the rest have probably already said it, but--" hyunjin takes a deep breath. "i really, really miss you bin-hyung. i hope after this we can go out for coffee or play video games at my place." changbin smiles at the thought. "remember that time when were at that party? in the backyard?"
changbin nods. his mind won't let him forget.
"i wish we could go back to that, y'know? so i can tell you how much i care for you." hyunjin sighs. the sound makes changbin's heart hurt. "but no matter, we can always do that again after your surgery, right? can we go out for a drink, my treat?" hyunjin looks at him with so much hope that changbin can't help but nod.
"great." hyunjin stands with a small smile. "i'll see you then, hyung?"
hyunjin leaves and the flowers in his chest are begging to bloom.
hyunjin and jisung end up staying in the waiting room. the others have headed home when one of the nurses had forced them to leave, saying that only two can remain to wait if they wanted. by unanimous decision jisung was left, and hyunjin had begged the others to let him stay, so they let him. jisung is passed out in on of the chairs, snoring soundlessly, whilst hyunjin sits beside him, giddy and unable to relax.
he's worried about changbin. despite them not having the closest relationship in the group, hyunjin still cares for his hyung. there's a voice in the back of his mind telling him to stay, to support for his hyung.
only at around 3 am does he start to get drowsy, the quiet atmosphere of the hospital and jisung's exhales lull him to sleep.
he wakes a few hours later. someone is shaking his shoulders, felix. jisung is still asleep beside him so he elbows the boy to wake him up.
"what time is it?" he asks, stifling a yawn.
"around 7." felix says. that means there's only an hour left before changbin's surgery is finished.
he looks around the room and realizes it's only him, felix, jisung, woojin, and changbin's parents. the rest must've had classes. they sit in the waiting room, watching as the seconds tick by. jisung, as impatient as ever, starts pacing around the room.
woojin smacks him in the head and tells him to sit, in which the boy obliges, but now he starts to bounce his leg and it seems to annoy woojin-hyung even more. before the older could even protest, the door of the operating room bursts open, and a doctor comes out.
the doctor takes his facemask off. "changbin's immediate family?"
his parents raise their hands and the doctor gestures them to come closer. this only expands hyunjin's curiosity and it takes all of his willpower not to eavesdrop on their conversation.
felix is beside him, and he must've noticed the other dancer's nervousness because there's a hand holding his, fingers laced with the other.
this should have comforted the him, but now he feels nothing but worry for his hyung inside the operating room.
soon enough the doctor begins to leave and the boy's begin to question changbin's parents.
"what did he say?" "is changbin okay?" "when can we see him?" "was it successful?"
the only response they get is changbin's mother bursting into tears.
hyunjin is immediately swallowed by the feeling of dread.
"no." he hears jisung say. "no, wait changbin hyung is-"
"what did the doctor say?!" hyunjin yells, but he can't help it. he needs to know that changbin is okay. he has to.
"i'm sorry boys." it's changbin's father who speaks, and everyone can hear the sorrow in his voice. "he's gone."
no.
no.
"you're lying." hyunjin's mouth moves faster than his brain. his eyebrows knit in confusion. no. his changbin-hyung is alive and healthy and breathing in that damn operating room. "that doctor is lying!" he yells.
"hyunjin." there's a hand on his shoulder and it takes a moment for him to realize that woojin is holding him to keep him from thrashing out to changbin's parents.
"no, changbin is alive! he's right there, through that door, we can meet him, just let me through, hyung, let me-!" soon there are nurses and guards pulling him from the waiting room. his mind is running a hundred miles per hour.
"hyunjin, let's just go, c'mon. l-let's go home." woojin's beside him again once the nurses let him go outside the waiting room. he's breathing heavily, and it only takes five seconds before he's collapsed on to the floor, hands in his head, sobs wracking through his body.
"hyung.." he manages to croak out. "changbin hyung- i-we were.. i was s'posed to-"
"shh, let's just go home, o-okay?" he hears woojin fighting his own sobs, and soon, through his blurry vision, he sees jisung and felix walk out the hospital room.
he thinks of putting up a fight. if he was fast enough he could run through these doors and into the operating room. then, he'd see changbin hyung, sitting on the hospital bed as healthy as ever. he'd smile at him then, telling him he was okay, he'd probably joke about hyunjin owing him a drink. and then they'd walk out the hospital, go home with the others. everything would be normal again.
but another part of his brain drags him back to reality. changbin's gone.
he decides to follow that part of his brain. "o-okay. let's go home."
besides, he's not wrong. changbin is gone.
and there's nothing he could do about it.
a couple weeks later, everyone is gathered to see changbin one final time. it's supposed to be a solemn event, but the boys decide that changbin wouldn't like that, so they spice it up. they crack jokes, drink beer and have fun. for a moment they forget about the big gaping hole in their chests that changbin made when he died, and they feel happy.
albeit it's a bittersweet feeling, but they know this is what changbin would have wanted.
when they watch as changbin's casket is lowered on to the ground, no more tears were shed. changbin is in a better place. it's the only thought that kept them from breaking apart at the seems.
when it's over, everyone's heading off, even the boys. but hyunjin stays for a while, holding a lone, white flower in his hand.
"gardenia."
he turns to see jisung beside him, holding the same flower.
"the flower we're holding. it means purity and secret love. it's the same as the one's that grew in his chest."
"of course it does." he replies.
hyunjin smiles, holding on to changbin's memory one last time, before dropping the flower by his tomb.
"hey.. did you ever find out who changbin hyung was in love with?" hyunjin asks, facing jisung once he was done placing his flower on the tombstone.
jisung stiffens beside him. "uh. yeah."
"who was it?"
jisung opens his mouth, ready to speak, but he hesitates.
"no one." he says. "just an old childhood friend."
"oh." hyunjin nods.
then, silence fills the air.
"it's a pity." hyunjin sighs.
jisung's eyebrows knit together in confusion. "why?"
"i wish i could've told him, y'know." hyunjin sighs. "told him that i loved him before he left."
jisung's eyes widen at the confession, but hyunjin doesn't think any of it. "y-you loved him?"
"yeah. how could i have not? i told him i liked felix but that was a lie. i regret not telling him. i really do." a tear falls down in his cheek. he doesn't move to wipe it.
"i'm sure he's listening now, though." jisung says.
"well, if you are, changbin-hyung. just know that i love you. i'll see you soon, okay?" he places a hand on his tombstone for a few seconds, before turning to leave, jisung following suit.
in the end, turns out changbin was right.
love is stupid.