Chapter Text
Patrick realized that he was in love with David on June 17th at 2:33 am
Contrary to what Stevie and Alexis might jokingly tell people- Patrick did not realize that he was in love with David until he was already deep into their relationship. It took him months to realize that the feelings that he had towards the other man were, in fact, love. It hadn’t really surprised him;it felt less like a punch in the gut and more like a relaxed sigh. It was as if all the pieces of a puzzle had just come together, and for the first time, Patrick was able to take a step back and see the full picture. It was a soft oh, rather than a large and abrupt surprise.
It happened, if he remembered correctly, after a particularly bad day. He had worked the entire day at the store by himself. David was supposed to come in, but there had been a Rose Family Emergency and Patrick had learned months ago that in those kinds of situations it was best just not to intrude- let the Roses work things out for themselves instead of getting drawn into the chaos of whatever the so-called Emergency was. In this case, that meant letting David off from his duties at the store. In theory, Patrick had thought that this would be okay. Selfishly, he had hoped that this would mean that any Rose Family Antics would be confined to the motel instead of bleeding into their place of business.
But it had been a busy day for foot traffic and customers through the store, meaning that Patrick barely got a break to sit down, let alone have an actual break for lunch, which he ended up skipping. Then when he had gone to the back to do inventory, he discovered that a jar of moisturizer had broken and leaked all over the rest of the jars and the box holding them.. He had to spend a good twenty minutes wiping out the lavender scented cream and picking the broken glass out of the box.
To top it all off, his computer crashed right as he was shutting it down for the day, erasing the hours of meticulous work that he had done in transferring their daily register balances into his spreadsheets.
Normally he wouldn’t have let it pile up in this way, but closing time had become slightly more hurried and less thorough in the past few weeks. David and he had worked themselves into a routine of sweeping up and wiping down the counters together while listening to one of David’s specially curated 90s divas Spotify playlists. Patrick would usually start to do the quote “boring businessy stuff” while David packed away the rest of the items, but in the last few weeks, David had taken to leaning up against the counter in front of him while he tried to do formulas in his head. It was hardly his fault that he forgot what the square root of 16 was if, by chance, David had taken to playing with his free hand while he stood there, tracing lines along his palm and up and down his fingers. It sent shivers down his spine in a way that made it impossible to focus on the math. At which point he would flip the books shut and declare that he would simply do it later before pulling in David to kiss him as David smiled smugly at him.
That all seemed well and good then. Except now it was later and he’d spent hours transferring all of that data and it was just gone. He wished that David were here. That they could go back to their simple routine of teasing and flirting while Patrick reminded David that they were the only ones that worked here, so if David declared that something was just going to have to be “someone else’s problem” that usually just meant that it would be Patrick’s problem.
He had missed David today. Missed the way that he would find simple, silly excuses to bring them close together. He missed going over to the cafe to order his ridiculous coffee order, and missed the small smile that he would receive when he brought it back. He missed the quick kisses on the cheek or pecks on the lips as one of them would pass by the other. But mostly Patrick had just missed being around him. Missed the conversation and the teasing and flirting. Missed the way that his heart fluttered everytime David so much as walked into the room.
So suffice it to say, it had been a pretty Bad Day. Which is why, when he finally dragged himself back to Ray’s, he was less than pleased to see his boyfriend moving around his room, packing up to go out.
Patrick had given David a key to Ray’s about a month ago (with Ray’s full permission and blessing of course), because it had just seemed easier at the time. They usually ended up back here anyway, so it made sense if they were coming from different places for David to have his own way into the house and not be stuck waiting on the porch like some kind of “podunk traveling Bible salesman,” as David put it.
David had texted earlier in the evening to let him know that he was already at Ray’s, so Patrick was temporarily confused as to why it looked like he was just getting ready to leave.
“What are you doing?” he asked from the doorway, by way of greeting.
David turned to him and smiled, coming over to press a quick kiss to his cheek before breezing past him to pluck something off the bedside table and throw it in his bag.
“Hi David, how was your day?” he responded sarcastically, smirking at Patrick over his shoulder.
Normally Patrick would be fine with this kind of light teasing, he would have taken the bait and allowed himself to be drawn into the whirlwind that is dating David Rose. But he was tired, and he could feel his head starting to throb just behind his eyes and he just wanted to feel like he was on solid ground again.
“What are you doing?” he repeated.
David looked over at him, brow slightly furrowed, “I’m going out with Stevie tonight. Remember? I told you about this. She wants me to wingman for her so that she can find a Random.”
David had in fact told him about this, Patrick had just forgotten. Which wasn’t David’s fault at all. It also wasn’t David’s fault that he couldn’t come in to work today, not really, nor was it his fault that the moisturizer had broken or that the computer had crashed. Which is why Patrick instantly felt guilty as soon as he said what he did next.
“Oh. Well. As long as that’s what you want to do tonight, I guess that’s fine. I’ll just be here by myself all night. Like I was today, too.” There was more bite to his tone than he had really intended there to be, and from the look on David’s face it hadn’t gone unnoticed.
David straightened up from where he was standing, running his ringed hand up and down his arm in what Patrick recognized as self-soothing tick from when David started to feel anxious, and he started to feel guilty.
“I’m sorry,” he said, rubbing one hand across his brow as if somehow that would alleviate the pain that was starting to build there, “I shouldn’t have said that. You did tell me about tonight, I just forgot. It’s been a bad day, I’m sorry I said that.”
Patrick opened his eyes to look at David who was kind of leaning his head to one side, almost examining him. His face had gone slightly soft and concerned. Not at all the reaction Patrick had been bracing himself for.
“Are you alright?” David asked, taking a few steps forward to the point where he could reach out and run his hands up and down Patrick’s arms, “You don’t look very good.”
Patrick just sighed and nodded, “I’m alright. My head is just killing me.”
David nodded, bringing his hands up to cup Patrick’s face and leaned him forward to press a kiss to his forehead. It was such a sweet and forgiving action that it made Patrick just feel worse for how he had snapped at David earlier.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated.
David shook his head, still holding Patrick’s face between his hands, running his thumbs across his cheekbones.
“It’s alright. I’m sorry you had such a rough day. Sorry I wasn’t there.”
On that last part he gave a little wince, and Patrick gave him a half smile; well, at least he was self-aware.
“It’s okay,” Patrick said, trying to reassure him, bringing his own hands up to rest on David’s forearms, “I’m just tired.”
“Are you sure it’s okay for me to go out with Stevie tonight?” David asked.
Patrick nodded.“Of course. I don’t want you to have to give up going out with her tonight. I know that you two will have fun.”
David looked at him, unsure. “Really? Because if you want I can stay here…? We can order takeout. Not from the Cafe but from one of the half decent places in Elmdale. I won’t even make you drive to go get it.”
Patrick huffed out a laugh at that, and pulled away from David as he went to sit on the edge of his bed.
“David, seriously, it’s okay. Go out with Stevie. Have fun, be safe, don’t drink too much.”
“Okay well, I don’t really think that all three of those can necessarily happen at the same time, but…” he trailed off, giving Patrick one last glance over, as if he thought he would suddenly change his mind and forbid David from leaving the room.
“Tell you what,” David said, coming over so that he was standing above Patrick, slotting his legs between Patrick thighs, resting his hands in their usual perch on Patrick’s shoulders, “How about instead of going back to the motel after the bar, I come back here? And then we can sleep in and you can make us coffee to drink in bed. I’d offer, but you know I don’t cook. Then you can complain about your bad day and watch your baseball tournament and I, being the very caring and supportive boyfriend that I am, will do my best to pretend I know what’s going on.”
David smiled at him, that sweet, unguarded smile that always made Patrick’s stomach flip. He liked knowing he was one of the only few people who ever got to see that smile on David. He liked that it was so often directed at him.
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
“Good.” David leaned down and pressed a sweet kiss to his lips before stepping back to grab his bag, “I’ll be back late. Or possibly early. Stevie’s game is very inconsistent. Take some advil or something.”
Patrick smiled at David, and nodded.
“Thanks,” he said. David bit his lip a little, maybe smiling, maybe holding something more back that he wanted to say; Patrick wasn’t sure.
He leaned forward once more and pressed a kiss into Patrick’s hairline before breezing out of the door in very much the same way that he had breezed about the room before.
As soon as he heard the front door shut, Patrick let himself fall down on the bed, knees still hanging over the edge. He groaned. He felt awful that David was having to adjust his plans just for him. This isn’t what Patrick wanted to give him; he wanted their relationship to feel safe and worry-free for David in a way that none of his other relationships had. Patrick knew how he constantly worried about Alexis’s safety and well-being, about his parents’ sanity and Stevie’s happiness. Patrick wanted to be the one thing in David’s life that didn’t cause him excess worry or concern. So much for that.
Patrick sat up slowly, groaning as he did. The throbbing in his head had only steadily increased and it was starting to make him feel slightly nauseous. Scrubbing his hands over his face, he stood up shakily and went about his nighttime routine despite it still being so early. Right now, all he wanted to do was sleep off this headache and wake up tangled in David’s arms in the morning.
He fell into bed, his eyelids feeling heavy and he buried his face in his pillow to try and alleviate some of the pain that he was feeling. He hoped that when he woke up he would feel better; that he could properly make it up to David in the morning.
***
He didn’t really remember falling asleep, but he did remember waking up. His heart was pounding and his head felt like it was splitting open. He was drenched in sweat and his breath was coming out in short, shallow gasps. Patrick’s brain felt like it had short circuited, for a moment he couldn’t remember where he was or what was going on. It took him a few seconds to allow the features of the room around him to become familiar again.
He had been dreaming; everything had been slipping out of his control. He had been running from something, or maybe falling, Patrick couldn’t remember. He remembered seeing some sort of destruction, chaos, the store’s logo; it chilled him to his core. He remembered David’s face, full of pain and hurt. Anger. It made Patrick feel sick.
He was having trouble regaining his breath, he placed a hand over his heart and could feel it beating so fast he was sure it was going to burst right out of his chest.
Beside him he felt someone stir. It was David; Patrick hadn’t heard him come back, but there he was. His dark hair lay against the white pillow case in stark contrast. He had one arm up next to his face, where Patrick had been just moments before. Patrick watched as the arm in question reached out into the empty space that Patrick had occupied. At finding nothing there David’s face scrunched up in his sleep. Blinking blearily, he opened his eyes and looked up at Patrick in the dark.
“Patrick?” He sat up suddenly, “What’s going on? Who’s here? I don’t want to die this young!”
His voice was raised in panic and Patrick felt guilt settle deep in his stomach. He hadn’t meant to scare David.
“It’s nothing,” he said, turning away from the other man slightly, his hand still pressed against his chest, “Go back to sleep. I’m sorry I woke you up.”
Patrick felt the bed shift and dip behind him as David moved closer to him.
“Patrick?” he repeated, this time his voice was calmer, softer, “are you alright?”
Patrick managed to nod jerkily, his breathing beginning to even out a little even if he still felt as though he had just run a marathon. It had been a few months since something like this had happened. He used to get stress-related nightmares all the time, but now they were becoming more and more infrequent.
“Hey, honey, it’s alright,” David was there next to him, “come here.”
Gently, David pulled the two of them back down into the pillows, Patrick’s head resting just below David’s chin with the other man hugging him slightly from behind.
“It was just a bad dream,” Patrick said, trying to defend his actions. He really hadn’t meant to wake David up, not after everything he’d done last night. But it felt so good to be held in David’s arms like this, and he could already feel his heart rate starting to decrease.
He felt David nod, “Do you wanna talk about it?”
Patrick just shook his head, “There’s nothing to talk about really.”
He felt David shift a little under him, and Patrick didn’t have to be looking at his face to know that David was giving him a skeptical look.
“It was a bad dream,” Patrick repeated, “about the store, about you... about us.”
This last part came out as no more than a whisper. He didn’t want to scare David. He wanted so desperately not to do that.
David’s grip on him tightened slightly, and it helped, it made him feel safe. Secure. Less like he was falling now, more grounded. Here in his bed, wrapped up in David’s arms.
“Honey, I’m so sorry,” David whispered as he pressed a kiss to the top of Patrick’s head, “but it wasn’t real. The store’s fine, I’m fine. We’re fine.”
Patrick tightened his own grip on David, arms wrapped around his stomach with his head resting against his chest. He could hear David’s own steady heartbeat through the thin material of his shirt. He felt David’s fingers start to run through his hair, softly and without any real pattern or focus.
“I’m sorry, David,” he whispered again.
“Patrick, please, you have nothing to be sorry for.” David paused, “Except for maybe waking me up at 2:28 in the morning and making me think I was about to be murdered.”
Patrick huffed out a laugh, even though it felt strange to be laughing at the idea of being murdered. David made him laugh, he made him smile.
“No seriously,” David continued, an obvious playful lilt to his voice, “I thought we were gonna die. Although, found murdered in bed with his lover is a pretty good headline.”
Patrick really couldn’t help it now and laughed even more, pressing his nose into the material of David’s shirt. For a brief, inexplicable moment he thought of Rachel. Her face full of concern and worry as she sat up in bed looking over at him. He remembered the times before when he would wake up panicked and scared.
She had wanted to help, he had wanted her to help, but for whatever reason she couldn’t. She would talk to him, tell him to breathe and rub his back and hold him. Just like David. But it didn’t work. It didn’t hurt, but it also didn’t help. They both felt awful about it, about the situation, about each other’s inability to make it better. It continued to astound Patrick, all the things he thought he could never have, all the things he thought he just wasn't cut out for... He can have them now. With David.
Before David he had never known that sex could be so much fun and feel so good. He had never known that such simple things as touches and smiles could feel like high energy volts to the system. And he never knew that the simple act of just being held could feel so safe and secure.
And that was it. That was the moment that he realized it. It wasn’t just because David was a man, or because David was the first man he’d ever acknowledged he had feelings for. It was because those feelings that he’d been having, that he was having, were love.
He thought he had understood what love was before, but that understanding had been jaded and incomplete. This, here with David, was different. He thought love before had meant hard work and energy and fights and trying days. Now love meant ease and appreciation, respect and feeling safe and secure. Love was David pulling Patrick close to him and holding onto him. Love was David staying awake with him as long as he needed, even though he hated being woken up. Love was David pressing kisses to his hairline, not allowing him to apologize, not allowing him to feel alone or embarrassed.
This is what David would do for Alexis, for his mom and dad, for Stevie. What Patrick’s parents would do for him or for each other. It’s what Patrick would do for David. It’s what he had done for David. Because he loved him.
He asked his mom once how you were supposed to know that you were in love. His mother had just smiled and told him that it wasn’t a science or anything. There wouldn’t be big, flashing signs or things he could check off of a list. It was just a feeling. Something he would know. At the time her vagueness had frustrated him;he wanted the signs, wanted things that he could check off of a list. But now he understood. He got it. He felt it, without a trace of doubt.
It’s a fleeting moment of sureness he’s only experienced a handful of times in his life. He recognized it from when he decided to invest in David’s business. He recognized it now, in his bed at 2:32 am. (And sometime in the future, he’ll recognize it while he watches David lovingly apply hand sanitizer to Patrick’s foot).
They fell asleep like that, all tangled up together, a mess of limbs and sheets. When Patrick woke up several hours later, his head was still pressed to David’s chest; sometime in the night the two of them had turned inward to face each other, so David’s face was mere inches from Patrick’s own. David had one arm wrapped protectively around Patrick, making his stomach twist in a silly kind of way.
Patrick took a moment to look at David, simply admire him. Even after such a rough night it made Patrick smile a little to think that he will always be awake before David. But he liked that, loved that. It meant he got to see him in these quiet moments that belong just to them. David looked so peaceful and calm when he’s sleeping. None of the dramatics or the worry or the anxiety that build up his every day persona. His dark lashes fluttered against his cheeks, and his equally dark hair was sticking up in crazy directions. It was really soft without all the product in it, and being able to run his fingers through it in these early morning hours is one of Patrick’s absolute favorite things.
David is always beautiful, but this morning in particular he was especially breathtaking. Therealization that it was love Patrick had been feeling all this time for the man next to him had given his vision some kind of filter or tint to make everything look more beautiful. Rose-colored glasses if you will.
Patrick watched as David’s face scrunched up, his eyes still closed.
“It’s too early,” he whines, pulling Patrick in closer to him and snuggling into the crook of his neck.
“Good morning,” Patrick whispered, allowing their position to shift so that he was on his back now with David curled in beside him.
David grumbled something in response, before pulling away slightly to blink blearily at Patrick.
“Sorry,” he said, rubbing a hand over his eyes. “Um. How... how are you doing?”
Patrick smiled at him, he couldn’t help himself.
“Better. I feel good. Thank you, for last night.”
David smiled back at him, and Patrick felt all the breath leave his lungs at the sight.
“Of course,” David whispered.
For a second, Patrick considered saying it to David. Telling him, letting him know just how deeply and stupidly in love with him he was. But he didn’t. It was too soon, too early. He didn’t want to scare David off. There was no way he was ever going to let this wonderful, gorgeous man out of his life. He had spent too long without him in it. So instead he just pulled him close and kissed him.
“Now,” Patrick said, teasingly, “I think I was promised something about coffee in bed today, and maybe something about baseball without any complaints?”
David rolled his eyes at him, “Okay, I think we both know that asking for no complaints is a bit unrealistic.”
Patrick smiled and leaned in for another kiss, “Well, I’ll just settle for some mild annoyance then.”
“Deal. I’ll even make your coffee.”
Patrick laughed, “Oh no. I’m not letting you anywhere near the coffee maker, I still want it to work tomorrow.”
David gave him a half-hearted offended look, but Patrick wiped it right off his face as he leaned in to kiss David.
God, he loved this man.