Chapter Text
The minute he saw them enter the kitchen Henry launched himself at Regina and pulled her into a hug with such force that it was pretty clear he’d been waiting to do so since since he’d returned home hours earlier. He was getting bigger every second and the impact he generated would have been enough to make Regina stumble, even on a good day, if Emma hadn’t braced her against the collision with a hand on her back. None of that registered with Regina, however, because Henry was wrapped around her like she was the most important thing in the world and she was soaking it up like a dry sponge. Her eyes fluttered closed with the feel of it and she pulled in her first truly deep breath in ages.
Henry’s face had ended up buried against Regina’s shoulder and when he spoke his words were muffled. "You ok mom?"
Her arms wrapped around him after only a second of surprised hesitation and she held him closely, continuing to soak up the comfort. Her conscience was screaming at her to to be stronger - to not need such things from her son - but she held those thoughts at bay as much as she could and allowed herself a few more moments of the comfort she so often denied herself. "Yes sweetheart, of course."
Henry pulled back slightly to eye her critically and then declared in a disapproving tone, "You look tired."
Regina smiled in response, mostly to hide her discomfort at Henry's determined insistence at taking on the role of caretaker, and ruffled his hair gently as she had when he was younger. "I know. I haven't been sleeping well lately."
"Worse than usual?" A disapproving frown appeared on Henry’s face to match his tone.
This time Regina couldn't muster her smile, instead pulling in a pained breath despite herself, unaware that Henry had known of her constant struggle. Her thoughts quickly began to spiral to familiar dark places where she risked losing herself, but the comforting hand on her back quickly picked up a soothing circle between her shoulder blades and she drew strength from it - using it to reign in her damning thoughts and gather herself just enough reassure Henry.
"Slightly, I suppose." Years of practice allowed her to school her voice into a reassuring tenor despite her inner turmoil, and she was grateful. "But there's nothing to worry about. These things happen sometimes. I'm certain I'll return to more normal sleeping patterns soon enough."
"Mom-"
The hand on her back stilled and she knew Emma could feel her tension ratcheting up with each question even as she tried her hardest to remain outwardly relaxed. When Emma interrupted Henry’s next question with "Henry, pizza?", she was pathetically grateful because she was most definitely losing the battle. Already she could feel her breathing getting thready and distressed.
The distraction worked as planned and Henry's eyes widened comically in response. "Oh shi..." Regina's dangerously narrowed eyes caught his attention and he corrected barely in time. "Shoot!"
He darted to the stove and grabbed at the pizza, thankfully unburned, while Emma steered Regina towards the table and gently forced her to sit. She took a step towards Henry at the counter then appeared to change her mind and sat in her spot next to Regina, not managing to hide the brief moment she took to marvel that she even had a spot at the Mills family table, and let the kid serve them both.
It was terribly decadent and they laughed about it together as they started their meal. That somehow lead to a conversation about Henry’s allegedly meager allowance and the rising cost of living which segued nicely to comic books and movies and the rapidly approaching school break and suddenly the meal was over and Regina was more relaxed than she’d been all week.
It was blissful and she looked to Emma with a smile, not knowing exactly what she wanted to convey but suddenly feeling the need to connect with her in some fashion but not bold enough to reach out her hand.
“Mom?” Henry interrupted while chewing his last bite of dinner.
Regina tore her gaze from Emma and transferred it to her son. “Don’t talk with your mouth full dear. What is it?”
Henry swallowed hastily with an unapologetic smile. “Could you check my math homework? Integrals are the Devil.”
She chuckled softly at Henry’s exaggeration, clearly a genetic trait, and marveled at the fact that she found Henry and Emma’s vast similarities comforting these days, where just a few months ago it was something too overwhelming for her to even contemplate. “Of course. I’ll look at it after Emma leaves.”
Their response to such an offhand comment was startling, and Regina had no idea what she’d done to cause it, but both of her dinner companions froze and glanced at each other in a way that immediately put her on edge. She had to reminded herself forcefully and repeatedly that this was Emma and Henry, not her mother or Rumple or The King conspiring against her - sharing knowing looks and planning a course she wanted no part of. It was an almost impossible task though, and she gritted her teeth with the effort.
Emma nodded up towards Henry’s room with her chin, Regina’s sudden tension not lost on her. “Go get your homework kid and give us a minute.”
The two shared another look which Regina had to force herself to breathe calmly through before Henry pushed himself away from the table and bounded up the stairs making so much noise you’d assume it was a stampede of elephants and not a medium sized boy.
Emma eyed her appraisingly over their empty plates and then threw out in a manner so nonchalant that it was clearly anything but, “I was planning on staying.”
Regina blew out a frustrated breath, certain they’d had this conversation months ago. "Emma, that's not-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. 'That's not a sustainable solution',” Emma intoned in a fine impersonation of her companion. “You said that last time but it turns out that your plan wasn't sustainable either because here we are."
Regina scowled at Emma’s fairly glib tone and set her mouth in a hard line. Did the other woman think this was some kind of joke? "I am not going to allow this to disrupt your life as it has mine. That is simply unacceptable. You are neither my nurse nor my psychologist - my well being is not your responsibility."
Emma shook her head in irritation and matched Regina’s stubborn look with one of her own. “That’s just bullshit and you know it. But you know what? You're right. I'm none of those things - I’m a hell of a lot more. We’re family. You’re my kid’s mom for Christ’s sake!”
Emma made a noise in the back of her throat that somehow indicated she come to a decision and damn anyone who got in her way.
“I'm done leaving you. I’m just done.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Emma had hoped that Regina’s irritation would fade as they passed the evening hours together but, despite the facade that Regina threw up for Henry’s benefit, Emma could see it still simmering right under the surface. It hung there as they cleaned up after dinner and went over homework and searched the channels for something on TV they could all enjoy.
Though she managed to keep her irritation from Henry, she couldn’t quite do the same with her continued exhaustion and he started picking up on it as the evening began to draw to a close. So, instead of trying to wheedle another half hour of downstairs time with his moms, as was family tradition, he just pushed up from his chair, hugged them both (lingering almost imperceptibly draped against Regina) and declared that he was heading to bed.
The silence left behind him was tense enough to be awkward and after a few minutes of fruitless channel surfing Regina muttered something that Emma didn’t really catch and started towards the stairs, climbing them stiffly with her displeasure clearly evident to Emma trailing behind.
Regina entered her room with a slight huff and Emma hesitated outside the door, somehow managing not to take it too personally. She’d known Regina long enough and well enough to understand that she hated feeling out of control and that’s all the day had been for her. Emma was honestly counting herself lucky that Regina’s reaction hadn’t been worse.
But still, the rebuke stung and Emma loitered outside the bedroom door taking some calming breaths and reminding herself how hard this must be for someone with Regina’s trust issues. But when she finally mustered up the backbone to slip into the master bedroom she found that the huffy and irritated Regina she’d spent the last hours with had disappeared and all that was left behind was a frightened woman trying to be anything but.
Emma had barely made it halfway to Regina seated on the side of the bed before she’d started apologizing in a rush.
"God Emma, I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to do this. Any of this. I’ve spent so long fighting…”
Regina laughed in a manner that held no mirth and shook her head back and forth a few times in utter confusion. “I almost completely destroyed myself in the process but I still can’t stop fighting.”
“You don’t have to. You just have to let me help.” Emma offered the advice with a slight shrug of her shoulders, finally having made it to the bed and seated herself next to her friend. “You have people who love you now and we aren’t going to let the Cora’s and the Rumples and the Leopolds have you ever again. We just won’t.”
“Emma, you don’t understand!” Regina’s look was suddenly desperate, almost wild, and Emma knew there was a battle for control raging inside of Regina that she was on the verge of losing.
“I’ve been beaten and neglected by a mother who tore her heart out of her chest rather than love me. The only mentor I’ve ever known manipulated me from our very first meeting in the hopes of controlling a power I was born with but never wanted. And my… husband was a man decades older than myself who used my body for his own pleasure without my consent.”
Regina was crying now, silent tears streaming down her cheeks, and she gasped for a breath before continuing with eyes begging Emma to understand what she was trying to tell her. “But before all that - before me - my mother was just a girl who wanted to better herself and Rumple was a husband and father just trying to love his family…”
Emma watched her swallow convulsively before she finished in a whisper. “And when The King was with his family, he was a good man.”
Emma froze, remembering Regina utter those same words earlier in the evening. “No Regina-”
“Yes.” Regina sniffed. Her tears continued to flow but the panic was suddenly gone and replaced by a frightening air of defeat. “What if it was me?”
“You can not blame yourself.” Even as she said the words, she knew that was exactly what Regina was doing, and had been doing for years.
“What if I can’t be saved from the monsters because I’m the one making them? What if the only one destroying me is me?”
Emma grabbed at the hands in Regina’s lap twisting and gripping in agitation and pulled them into her own lap, forcing Regina to turn towards her in the process. Their eyes met and Emma held the contact.
“You don’t get to blame yourself for these things. You aren’t responsible for these monsters. A little girl doesn’t cause her mother to rip out her own heart and a student doesn’t make her mentor betray her.” Emma squeezed the cold hands in her own. “And a wife does not cause her husband’s abuse.”
“Emma-”
“No Regina, listen to me. It doesn’t work that way. I stayed with some nice families when I was a kid but I stayed with some real losers too. Mostly it was just basic neglect but one guy was a real shit and he would lock me in a closet when he got pissy. The wife was always stepping out so it was mostly just him and me and I was certain that one day he would just leave to and never come back and I would die in there. Alone in a fucking closet.”
The story came out of her in a surprising rush. It wasn’t something she’d ever planned to share and she didn’t realize she was crying through it until one of Regina’s hands disentangled from her own and brushed the tears from her cheeks.
It was difficult and embarrassing and she wanted nothing more to drop her eyes and break their contact and go hide out and collect herself but she didn’t. She’d opened herself up for a reason and there was no way she was going to stop this close to bringing her point home. She’d worked hard for the realization she was trying to share and suddenly nothing was more important than sharing it with Regina.
“What did I do to deserve that? Was that my fault?”
Regina shook her head slowly, empathy making her eyes darker than Emma had ever seen them.
“I need to hear you say it.”
There was a slight pause as Regina scooted closer to Emma on the bed and ducked against her, head resting in the crook of Emma’s neck. “You did nothing to deserve such treatment. You weren’t to blame.”
“And neither were you Regina.”
Regina’s tears had stopped for the moment, but her voice was gravely from the strain. It sounded more like a whisper than anything else. “I should have been more. I should have been better.”
Emma placed a kiss against the head tucked under her chin. “You were perfect.”
“You didn’t even know me then.”
The words were disbelieving but Emma heard hope in them and smiled a small sad smile that Regina couldn’t see. For the first time since she entered Regina’s bedroom she wondered if she was somehow making a difference and the thought buoyed her. She wrapped an arm around Regina, pulling her closer still and hoping to make her feel loved and safe and a thousand other things she couldn’t quite label.
“I know you now and I can see the little girl you protect behind your armor and your walls. I see her and she’s perfect.”
Emma felt the hiccuping sigh against her breastbone and the splash of fresh tears against her shirt but the question that accompanied it all filled her with the sweetest hope she could imagine. “Will you stay?”
Emma placed another kiss against Regina’s hair and whispered, “Of course I’m staying. When I said I was done leaving you I meant it.”
And she did. That night, and many after, she wrapped herself around Regina through the dark hours and chased away the nightmares that threatened her.