Chapter Text
(15:02) halfpint: why didnt anyone tell me how fucking awesome not wearing pants is
(15:02) mr. director: aren’t there children under your constant watch at home
(15:03) halfpint: im giving them a valuable lesson on comfort rn
(15:03) halfpint: besides babies walk around without pants and shirts and even shoes all the time
(15:03) halfpint: im relating to lil sis now
(15:03) mr. director: i feel like the one year old takes care of you
(15:03) halfpint: hey >:(
(15:03) halfpint: my time as lil bro ended 5 years ago
(15:03) halfpint: is it bad of me to hope my lil bro ends up short too so im not the only midget in the family
(15:03) mr. director: you’re not even that short
(15:03) halfpint: hakuba tells me im a volleyball midget
(15:03) halfpint: brb someone’s at the door
(15:06) halfpint: dude
(15:06) mr. director: what
(15:06) halfpint: my boyfriend is supreme
(15:06) mr. director: oh, no, he's a hypebeast
(15:06) halfpint: NO HE BOUGHR ME A HAPPY MWAL WITJ A TOY I WAS JUST SAYING HES AWWSOMW
(15:06) mr. director: oh, that’s considerably lamer but also considerably cuter than what i had imagined
(15:07) halfpint: fuck
(15:07) halfpint: i have awesome taste in boyfriends
(15:07) mr. director: doesn’t everyone think that about themselves
(15:07) Yahaba: Yes
(15:07) halfpint: u dont count
(15:07) mr. director: hey… tbh ^
(15:07) Yahaba: Assholes
(15:07) mr. director: we still love you
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(20:57) Daddy: it’s so nice when u like the person u love
(20:57) Mommy: Yeah, I wouldn’t know anything about that.
(20:57) Daddy: stop it i’m ur favorite person to ever breathe
(20:57) Mommy: Okay, yes.
(20:57) Daddy: fuck i didn’t expect u to actually agree
(20:57) Mommy: Deal with it.
(20:57) Daddy: i feel like we could take over the world together
(20:58) Mommy: Same. That’s true love, right?
(20:58) Daddy: right ❤️❤️❤️ i fuckin love u akaashi keiji
(20:58) Mommy: Likewise, Miya Atsumu.
(20:58) Daddy: @halfpint and sachirou have absolutely nothing on us
(20:58) halfpint: okay but does ur bf get u happy meals and then entertain ur siblings so u can eat and brag abt it in peace
(20:58) Daddy: he makes me feel important and valid which is equivalent if not better
(20:58) halfpint: grrr
(20:58) Daddy: did u just fuckin growl at me over the internet
(20:59) halfpint: fuck yeah i did
(20:59) Daddy: i’m convinced u top
(20:59) halfpint: we still havent talked abt it
(20:59) Daddy: y not
(20:59) halfpint: bc its awkward
(20:59) Daddy: no lol just get him alone and get on ur knees it's easy
(20:59) halfpint: do u even exist
(20:59) halfpint: who the fuck does that
(20:59) Mommy: Atsumu does.
(21:00) halfpint: legit
(21:00) halfpint: he just got on his knees once u were alone
(21:00) Mommy: Yeah, pretty much.
(21:00) halfpint: k so that seems kinda simple but like how did u talk abt it
(21:00) Daddy: um
(21:00) Daddy: has left The Spice Girls
(21:00) halfpint: bitch ik ur there
(21:00) Mommy: He just told me what he wanted.
(21:00) halfpint: what
(21:00) Mommy: He asked me to do what he wanted.
(21:01) halfpint: but if i tell sachirou that hes like i just did smth u wanted let me pick now
(21:01) Mommy: No, he asked me to facefuck him, Kourai.
(21:01) halfpint: .
(21:01) halfpint: so u didnt mean literally
(21:01) Daddy: omg keiji does this mean i can talk about our sex life now
(21:01) Mommy: A little.
(21:01) halfpint: so i should just go hey lemme eat u out
(21:01) Daddy: worked for me
(21:01) halfpint: his ass looks delectable tbh wanna devour that
(21:01) Daddy: say thanks for the meal first
(21:02) halfpint: do u do that to keiji
(21:02) Daddy: it depends on the mood
(21:02) halfpint: ur bfs a fucking five course meal tbh
(21:02) Mommy: I’m right here.
(21:02) Daddy: tbh
(21:02) Daddy: 99999999 course meal
(21:02) halfpint: fuck im gonna straight up ask sachirou if i can eat his ass
(21:02) halfpint: lets hope he doesnt kill me
(21:02) Mommy: Good luck.
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(00:28) halfpint: YALL HE SAID YES
(00:28) futanari: aren’t u a little too young to be tying the knot
(00:28) halfpint: AHAHAHA HES GONNA BE TYING THE KNOTS WHEN HE TIES ME DOWN TO HIS BED AFTERWARD ;))))))
(00:28) futanari: oh fuck i just read ur last convo
(00:28) futanari: omg ur gonna be eating ass
(00:28) futanari: do u know how
(00:29) halfpint: shi i didnt think abt that
(00:29) futanari: what i thought u wanted to eat his ass
(00:29) halfpint: ijus wanna go to town on it okay like idk abt technique or wtv i just figured u slip ur tongue in and hope he moans
(00:29) futanari: ya but u have to pay attention to the cock too if u rly wanna get him off and u can lick around his asshole and tease him instead of just fucking going for it
(00:29) halfpint: how should my tongue be
(00:29) futanari: tbh doesn’t matter give him variety
(00:29) halfpint: what do u like
(00:29) futanari: when he starts out with his tongue wide then goes pointed and traces the alphabet in my ass then penetrates and presses his tongue hard against the bottom of my ass when he slips out
(00:29) halfpint: @NaCl u hear that
(00:30) futanari: why thank u i was just abt to tag him
(00:30) halfpint: anyway thanks for the tutorial
(00:30) halfpint: ill lyk how it goes if hes okay w that
(00:30) futanari: did u ask if he’s okay w u announcing that ur eating his ass to ten other ppl first
(00:30) halfpint: o
(00:30) halfpint: LMAO and i oop
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(03:12) spice daddy: I HEARD ASS EATINF AND IM HERE
(03:12) mr. director: you have to be up early tomorrow, mister
(03:12) spice daddy: FINE MOM GN
(03:12) spice daddy: (but @halfpint if u have any questions im here ;)))
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(06:18) Daddy: does @#1 eat komori’s ass
(06:18) #1: What the fuck is wrong with you?
(06:18) Daddy: IM SRY IM JUST SUPER CURIOUS BC UR A HYPOCHONDRIAC AND ALL
(06:19) Mommy: ^ Same.
(06:19) #1: Do you eat ass?
(06:19) Mommy: Yes.
(06:19) Daddy: babe i don’t think u were supposed to answer that one
(06:19) #1: ...We use a dental dam.
(06:19) Daddy: I KNEW IT I JNEW U WERE A FREAK
(06:19) #1: Okay, but if we all do it, can it really be that freaky?
(06:19) Mommy: Yes, this is a collective of freaks.
(06:19) #1: It was Motoya’s idea.
(06:19) NaCl: what the fuck did i just wake up to
(06:19) #1: You don’t want to know.
(06:19) NaCl: eating ass is a rite of passage
(06:20) Daddy: ^^^^
(06:20) Daddy: what's it like eating ass w a dental dam
(06:20) #1: He seems to enjoy it since he keeps asking me to do it.
(06:20) Daddy: k but do u enjoy it
(06:20) #1: I am licking latex for a solid ten minutes and no less. What do you think?
(06:20) Mommy: You won’t die if you do it without the dental dam.
(06:20) #1: I take back any thoughts about you being good.
(06:20) Mommy: I’m sorry.
(06:20) Mommy: But it really takes away from the experience of being close inside of him.
(06:20) #1: I thought you guys never used a dental dam.
(06:20) NaCl: atsumu hasn’t but apparently someone else has
(06:21) Mommy: It was much more enjoyable without the dental dam.
(06:21) #1: I really don’t see how removing it would amplify the experience.
(06:21) Mommy: Do you appreciate Motoya’s ass?
(06:21) #1: Akaashi.
(06:21) NaCl: do you?
(06:21) #1: I appreciate it enough.
(06:21) Mommy: Enough to want to eat it?
(06:21) #1: I really only eat because he asks me to.
(06:21) Daddy: that’s a PROBLEM
(06:22) #1: Stay out of my sex life, you fiend.
(06:22) Mommy: Excitement is key, Sakusa. You have to really appreciate his ass before you can enjoy eating ass.
(06:22) #1: I appreciate his ass, but making a meal out of it is weird.
(06:22) Mommy: You say that, but you know it feels good to have him tremble underneath you.
(06:22) Daddy: KEIJI
(06:22) #1: I suppose you’re right.
(06:22) Mommy: The convulsions are more amplified without the dental dam, and the moans start earlier.
(06:22) Daddy: keijistop now everyone knows im ur fucking bitch :(
(06:23) Mommy: They already knew that, but I’ll stop if it pleases you.
(06:23) Daddy: pls come over next weekend
(06:23) Mommy: :)
(06:23) NaCl: i can never look at akaashi the same now
(06:23) #1: ^
(06:23) NaCl: you either
(06:23) Mommy: Am I being shamed for eating ass?
(06:23) Mommy: @spice daddy
(06:23) spice daddy: WHAT IS GOIGN ON
(06:23) NaCl: noooooooo never
(06:23) NaCl: but fr i can’t look at you the same
(06:23) Mommy: I think you’ve had the wrong image of me this entire time.
(06:24) NaCl: i mean i kind of knew you ate ass
(06:24) NaCl: but that you talk about it so openly
(06:24) spice daddy: same shook
(06:24) Mommy: I like talking about things I’m passionate about.
(06:24) Daddy: it’s so hot that ur passionate about eating my ass
(06:24) Mommy: :)
(06:24) spice daddy: kawanishi is so good at it
(06:24) NaCl: i know. i can hear you guys
(06:24) spice daddy: LMAO LIKE WEVE NEVER HEARD U
(06:24) NaCl: shut the fuck up
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(21:07) halfpint: guys that was fucking awesome
(21:07) Yahaba: What was
(21:07) halfpint: Bd:
(21:07) Yahaba: Is that supposed to be what I think it is
(21:07) halfpint: depends on what u think it is
(21:07) Yahaba: B = buttocks d = tongue : = eyes
(21:08) halfpint: ya thats exactly what it is
(21:08) Yahaba: Good job, halfpint
(21:08) halfpint: ;)))
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(17:03) NaCl: i’m bored help
(17:03) futanari: noooo don’t be bored ur so sexy aha
(17:03) NaCl: then come entertain me
(17:03) futanari: fuck yeah baby
(17:04) spice daddy: futafuta is gross
(17:04) Daddy: ^
(17:04) futanari: wtf did i do
(17:04) Daddy: noooo don’t be bored ur so sexy aha
(17:04) spice daddy: ^
(17:04) futanari: ITS JUSY A JOKEEEEE
(17:04) Mommy: Noooo, don’t roast Futakuchi. You’re so sexy aha.
(17:04) Daddy: wut
(17:04) NaCl: what just happened
(17:04) spice daddy: akaashis gross now too someone had to say it
(17:04) Daddy: noooo don’t be gross ur so sexy aha
(17:04) Mommy: @futanari and I will start a gross club.
(17:04) futanari: fuck yeah when’s the first meeting
(17:04) Mommy: After you eat Kenjirou’s ass, probably.
(17:04) futanari: akaashi that could be any time ;(
(17:04) Mommy: Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
(17:04) Daddy: can u eat my ass
(17:04) Mommy: Yeah.
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(20:42) 2.5braincells: I just went on a McDonald’s date with Kenjirou’s fake ex-boyfriend, and it sort of got me thinking about how incestous this chat is.
(20:42) Daddy: don’t say incest in the presence of people who have siblings smfh im gonna throw up
(20:42) NaCl: what do you mean by incestuous
(20:42) 2.5braincells: You all fuck the same people or each other.
(20:42) spice daddy: lmfao can u believe im not involved in this incestuous “all”
(20:42) 2.5braincells: You’re fucking Kenjirou’s best friend, so you’re loosely involved.
(20:42) spice daddy: hey ;(
(20:43) spice daddy: taichi told me they never fucked
(20:43) NaCl: usuri, you’re a bitch
(20:43) Yahaba: No, you’re not. Keep going
(20:43) 2.5braincells: It appears that at least three of us have fucked Osamu, four of us have an intense attraction toward Keiji, two have fucked Atsumu, and two have fucked you, @NaCl. Isn’t that a little groupchat-incestuous?
(20:43) NaCl: stop it you’re making sense
(20:43) Yahaba: I’m not involved in this incest ring, right, Usuri?
(20:43) 2.5braincells: Not sexually, no.
(20:43) Yahaba: In that case, don’t stop it. You’re making sense
(20:43) NaCl: bitch, i’ll kill you
(20:43) 2.5braincells: Given Kenjirou’s sexual tendencies, I’d say we can accurately change every l in that statement to an s.
(20:43) futanari: that’s my bitch, bitch, i’ll kill you
(20:43) 2.5braincells: My previous statement still stands, except replace Kenjirou with futanari.
(20:43) halfpint: wooooooah
(20:43) halfpint: thats two roasts in a row that im not involved in @Daddy HA im winning
(20:44) Daddy: ur terribly mistaken
(20:44) 2.5braincells: I don’t think Kourai is incestuous! He gets a gold star.
(20:44) Daddy: usuri who gave u the right when ur thirsting after ur best friends brother
(20:44) 2.5braincells: WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THIS GROUPCHATS INTERMINGLING HOMOSEXUAL TENDENCIES?
(20:44) Daddy: shirabu
(20:44) futanari: let my slut live :(
(20:44) NaCl: yeah, why don’t we go back to roasting my whore?
(20:44) futanari: <3 ily baby
(20:44) NaCl: ily too <3
(20:44) 2.5braincells: Kenjirou and Futanari are the height of this groupchat’s incest!
(20:45) futanari: tbh yeah
(20:45) NaCl: kenji.
✿cue humongous time skip because I have no idea how to end a fucking chatfic✿
(08:14) futanari: graduashun
(08:14) futanari:
(08:14) NaCl: same, but featuring terushima crying over his boyfriend
(08:14) NaCl:
(08:14) futanari: baby why u cryin
(08:14) Yahaba: ^ Yeah, this is fucking awesome
(08:14) Yahaba:
(08:14) NaCl: im not crying tsutomu is
(08:14) Daddy: y’all my babe came to see me graduate
(08:14) Daddy: hes sittin there alone staring at me and i love him
(08:14) Daddy: ooo he’s looking at his phone now
(08:15) Mommy: This is boring, and I think Usuri is here.
(08:15) 2.5braincells: Oh, no, you’ve caught me!
(08:15) everything nice: currently crashing ennos graduation to sixth wheel afterward
(08:15) halfpint: bitchez sit down sachirou and i win couple goals
(08:15) halfpint:
(08:15) Daddy: smh can’t believe i’m texting at graduation but if i can’t win w keiji then i’m using outside force
(08:15) Mommy: Excuse me, I thought we were going to take over the world?
(08:15) Daddy: we are but @#1 show us ur graduation pictures right this second
(08:16) Mommy: Oh, yes I would like to see those as well.
(08:16) #1:
(08:16) halfpint: f*ck thats cute shit
(08:16) spice daddy: GUSY IM GETTINF EMOTIONAL I LOVE U ALL WEBE BEEN FRIENSA FOR A YEAR THIA IS AMAZING IM SCREAMINF
(08:16) NaCl: shut up
(08:16) Yahaba: Aww, is booboo crying?
(08:16) futanari: wow great job terushima you made my boyfriend cry