Chapter Text
“I don’t think Shrek counts as a Disney movie…?”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Robb. It has a princess, and it has magic, what else do you need?” said Ned.
“At least there’s finally a realistic Disney prince. Disgusting guy who occasionally does the right thing.” Arya cackled and held up her hand for a high five. Sansa delicately slapped it, but that was less because of her dislike of Arya, and more because of the large amount of sugar on Arya’s hands. For once Sansa wasn’t the one who ate the most lemon cakes.
“I get that Shrek is the main character, but I kind of need a Fairy Godmother and Donkey spin off. I have no idea why they would interact, but it’s necessary,” piped up Rickon.
“Mayhaps they’re kidnapped together? They then must team up to escape.”
“Great idea in theory, but let’s be honest, Fairy Godmother could easily escape without any help, Sansa.”
“Fairy Godmother is great and all, but the Gingerbread Man? Absolutely wonderful. Truly made the movie- I might have fallen in love,” said Theon.
“How you can ignore Puss in Boots so easily is beyond me. He’s a cat assassin! How can anyone top that?”
“Gods, you’re so predictable Arya.”
Jon snapped. “THE DONKEY FUCKED A DRAGON. HOW ARE WE IGNORING THIS RATHER CRUCIAL PIECE OF THE MOVIE? HE FUCKED A DRAGON AND THERE ARE NOW MUTANT DRAGON-DONKEY BABIES.”
“Calm down, Jon! Honestly, I don’t understand why you’re so worked up. Everyone’s so focused on Fiona and Shrek, that they ignore that true love can happen between anyone,” scolded Sansa. She did not in anyway mention that because of a certain hound she knew.
“Why you were all worked up about the dragon and donkey I’m focusing on what matters: the fact that Jaime Lannister is such a Prince Charming. Which, of course, makes Cersei the Fairy Godmother; though I get the sense that the Fairy Godmother doesn’t fuck.”
Theon laughed. “She has a son, Arya, obviously she got some.”
“No. That was definitely asexual reproduction. The Fairy Godmother Doesn’t Fuck.”
“Do you discuss everyone’s sexual habits like this?” interrupted Catelyn. It was unclear if she was talking to Theon or Arya, although it was probably both.
“Only those I like. So...half of this room?” said Arya. She seemed to be doing a mental tally as she said so and then nodded her head as if confirming her initial assessment.
“We are your family. You are basically required by law to like us,” said Ned. He’d been more of a family man after the Long Night; whether that was to atone for his previous mistake with Jon, or because he was only just realizing he was emotionally stunted was unclear.
Rickon scoffed. “You can’t go making up laws. You’re a Lord, not a King.”
“ ‘Family by chance, friends by choice’, right guys?” interrupted Sansa. Always the peacemaker.
“Only on days that don’t end in Y,” said Rickon dryly.
“That’s cruel. Oh Gods, we’ve gotten so side tracked! Right, does anyone have an opinion to share?”
“I think it’s cute that Fiona chose Shrek, not for his looks, but for his heart,” said Jon.
“Probably gives you hope, eh,
Jon?
“Go fuck a dragon, Theon.”
“Can’t, the donkey beat me to it. Anyway, I personally love the Queen. She put up with so much shit. She was just trying to have a nice meet-the-family situation and Harold’s over here ready to rumble.”
Sansa agreed. “The women in this movie put up with all of it. The Queen, Fiona, the Fairy Godmother- hell, even the dragon. Her baby daddy just abandoned her while she was pregnant!”
“Men ain’t shit, I’ve been saying it since day one,” said Arya.
“It’s true, her first word was shit,” informed Robb a little too gleefully.
“Yeah ‘cause Theon coached her for weeks. He and Robb had a bet over who could get her to say what; Robb lost, he wanted her first word to be taxes- he thought that would be hilarious,” said Jon.
“You were the one who taught her that word Theon?! I swear to the Gods you’ve given me every grey hair on my head.”
“You’re fully grey, Lady Stark.”
“Exactly.”
“I dunno why House Stark had Ice; mother’s voice might be deadlier.”
“Then Arya must have the best armor in the world; I don’t think she’s ever been effected,” said Robb idly. Arya flicked his nose.
“Alright, alright, does everyone have their rating?”
“Easily a 10. How anyone could say different is beyond me,” said Arya.
“I was confused for half of that movie, so I give it a 7,” admitted Jon. “Who’s idea was it to skip the first movie?”
“Sorry Jon, but Brienne said the second one was better,” said Ned.
“And I agree with that assessment. This movie was definitely a 10,” said Robb.
Theon gave it a 9 and Rickon agreed. Bran gave it a 6. Sansa gave it a 7 and both of her parents agreed.
Ned seemed far too pleased with his pick of movie.