Chapter Text
8 years later
Clarke’s not going to say she never got over Bellamy Blake, because she did. She’s just big enough to admit she never loved anyone in the same way she loved him. But that’s a thing isn’t it? Nothing is ever as good as your first love?
One out of her three serious relationships since him was even successful. And one led her to reunite with Raven after five years, so she’s not even going to count that one as a loss. Even Lexa taught her enough about herself that she’s not going to say it was a complete waste of time.
It’s just that now she and Niylah have broken up and she’s sitting in a coffee shop, waiting for Raven and feeling sorry for herself she does feel kind of like she never got over him. Niylah had been so perceptive and knew there was something holding Clarke back and when Clarke couldn’t admit it, they’d broken up. And she understands why, Niylah deserves someone that can love her entirely. And Clarke wasn’t that person. Which is fine.
It just means that she’s drowning her sorrows in another latte.
“Griffin,” Raven calls, walking into the shop, with an air of confidence that Clarke has never managed. “Stop wallowing.”
In the five years that Raven and Clarke weren’t in contact, Raven had been through some pretty rough times. She’d been in a car accident, which they thought was going to lead to her never walking again. But in true Raven fashion, she’d recovered better than anyone had hoped, only losing feeling in part of one of her legs, rather than complete loss of the use of both.
While she was recovering, her boyfriend had gotten bored. Clarke had met him in a club one night, going home with him and falling hard and fast. She’d gone to his apartment to surprise him one day, only to find Raven already there. It was a shock, not only to see her boyfriend sleeping with someone else, but to see high school best friend after five years. They’d immediately worked out what happened and walked out together, leaving Finn alone.
That was two years ago, neither of them have looked back since.
Raven and Clarke never had a fight or anything. They just fell out of contact when they had ended up at schools so far away from each other. She’d missed her friend. But it happens. She doesn’t know many people who stayed in contact with their high school besties. Which is why she couldn’t believe her luck when Raven was not only not mad at Clarke for sleeping with her boyfriend, but excited to see her.
“I’m not wallowing,” Clarke rolls her eyes, kicking a chair out for Raven to sit in and then wincing because she knows Raven doesn’t need the help.
“Good,” Raven says. “Because I’ve done something that is going to either make you really mad or really happy.”
“Did you burn down Finn’s house?” Clarke grins because she’s not sure if she’d be mad at Raven for putting herself in danger or happy that she’d done that to their two-timing ex.
“No, but I’ll add it to my to-do list.”
“What have you done?” Clarke asks, this time cautiously. Raven is looking at her with a look that means mischief and she isn’t sure she’s ready for whatever she has up her sleeve.
“I was in the library, before coming here,” Raven begins, “looking for something in the history section and I ran into the biggest history nerd we know.”
“I wouldn’t say that Luna is a history nerd,” Clarke says, shaking her head. “She’s just looking for background knowledge for her dissertation.”
“Try again.”
Clarke’s heart drops because if they’re not talking about Luna, they’re talking about a different history nerd. And the only other person that they have ever known to be that obsessed and interested in the past, is Bellamy Blake. And if Raven has run into him in the library, it means that he’s in town. Which means she’ll have to see him again. She’ll have to face what happened over eight years ago, that she still avoids thinking about.
“Who?”
“Bellamy Blake,” Raven says. “I think I want a hot chocolate. He’s meeting us here in ten minutes.”
“What?” Clarke all but screeches. “Raven! No!”
“What?” Raven challenges. “He was my friend too and he asked what I was doing this afternoon. I told him I’d be here and invited him along.”
“And you didn’t tell him I would be here?”
“No,” she shrugs. “It didn’t seem important.”
Clarke drops her head against the wood of the table as Raven gets up to order her drink. It’s all too tempting to get up and sneak out without having to see Bellamy. She’d love to catch up with him of course. She's curious. And he’d been such a big part of her life and she’s always missed him. But she’s not ready to see him the day after her breakup, while she’s dressed in leggings and an oversized college sweatshirt. She hasn’t even brushed her hair – though she did cut it short in the fall, so that could be worse.
She doesn’t move while she waits for Raven to return. She keeps her head firmly on the wood of the table, partly because she’s a drama queen and partly because she doesn’t want to get up and face seeing Bellamy for the first time in eight years.
“Dramatic as ever, princess,” a voice she would recognise anywhere, even after eight years says and she just wants to melt into the table she’s face down on. It would be just like Bellamy to show up early, while she’s laying on the table.
“What the fuck, Griffin?” Raven asks, she can picture them looking down at her, side by side with looks of both amusement and exasperation. And maybe if she doesn’t lift her head up, they won’t be there.
“I’m wallowing,” she mutters. It’s muffled by the table. And that’s probably for the best. She’s being weird and she knows it.
“I thought you said you weren’t wallowing?” Raven says, putting her mug down on the table. It’s loud when Clarke’s face is still against the wood.
“I changed my mind.”
“She just broke up with her girlfriend,” Raven says. Clarke assumes she’s talking to Bellamy, but she’s still not game enough to look up. “She’s drowning her sorrows in lattes.”
“Don’t people normally do that in alcohol?” Bellamy asks. At least he’s not being weird about her having a girlfriend. She hates it when people from her past make a big deal over that. She feels rather than sees him pull out another chair. “Caffeine doesn’t really have the same effect for wallowing.”
“Clarke’s not a normal person,” Raven says.
“She did always drink a lot of coffee,” Bellamy muses.
“Not much has changed,” Raven continues, kicking at Clarke’s ankles under the table.
“Stop,” Clarke snaps, finally lifting her head and facing Bellamy for the first time since he broke up with her eight years ago.
He looks the same and completely different at the same time. His hair is longer, thicker and messier and she’s still struck with the desire to run her hands through it. His face is fuller and sporting a lot more of a beard than he could grow in high school and she kind of wants to tease him about it. He’s broader and muscular like he probably goes to the gym and does more than walk home from school.
And he’s still so attractive that Clarke suddenly forgets how to talk.
“Hey princess,” he says, smiling that half-smile that still gives her butterflies. And he’s still calling her princess. It’s a lot to handle.
“Hi,” she finally manages to spit out, reaching for her coffee just so she has something else to focus on. She’d have really liked it if Raven gave her more time to prepare for this. Like maybe, six more months?
“I was just telling Bellamy what you’re doing here,” Raven says. Clarke had moved to New York a year after finishing College. She’d run into Raven within three months.
“I’m working at the museum,” Clarke says, taking a steadying breath. She can be normal. This is just coffee with a boy who broke her heart eight years ago. “And I’m designing websites on my days off.”
“Sounds interesting,” Bellamy says and it sounds genuine like he wants to hear more about her work. Which maybe he does. Maybe he wants to be friends. “I’m at school here.”
“What ?” Clarke almost screeches excitedly. The last she heard, Bellamy got custody of his sister and they were still in Washington. Not that she had been keeping tabs on him or anything. But she’s still friends with Harper. Who ended up marrying Monty. Who stayed in touch with Miller. Who is still friends with Bellamy and is still a huge gossip.
“Yeah,” he says, a little sheepishly. “O is twenty one now and is literally not even in the country anymore. I figured I should go to school. I did always want to.”
“That’s great,” Clarke smiles and then frowns, “I think. What’s Octavia up to?”
“I wish I could tell you,” Bellamy shrugs. “But it is good. I’m really enjoying my classes.”
“Nerd,” Raven smirks. Clarke had almost forgotten she was there.
“You can talk,” Clarke grins.
“Yeah, you said you were in grad school?” Bellamy asks, turning his attention back to Raven.
It’s not as awkward as it could be. They spend the afternoon catching up on the last eight years. The three of them talk about what they’re doing currently and what they did to get where they are. They talk about the friends they are still in contact with and Raven gets excited about introducing Bellamy to the friends they have in New York.
It’s nice.
And maybe Clarke and Bellamy really can be friends again.
But then she catches his eyes looking at her chest. And it’s really not like him to stare and she’s wearing a sweatshirt, so it’s not like they’re even that eye-catching. She brings her hand up self-consciously and her heart drops as her fingers brush against cool metal. Her necklace, the one he had given her on her eighteenth birthday, has slipped out from its spot underneath her giant sweatshirt.
The chain had snapped when she was nineteen, in her first year of college and she’d almost just put it in her jewellery box to never look at again. But she felt so empty without it that she had bought a longer chain she could it tuck away.
Bellamy’s definitely recognised the locket that he had given her and she doesn’t know how to explain why she still wears it. Because if she tries to explain that, she will definitely have to explain that she never completely got over him. That she compared everyone she was ever with, to him. And that’s too much.
“I’ve got to go,” she finds herself saying, looking down at her phone as if she’s just noticed the time. “I was supposed to meet Luna.”
“Luna’s in class?” Raven says, furrowing her brow.
“Yeah,” Clarke mutters, shoving her things into her purse, “I’m meeting her after class at the museum for the show.” It’s a lame excuse, that Raven definitely doesn’t buy. But at least she doesn’t press any further.
“Bye Clarke,” Bellamy says. “It was great to catch up.”
Clarke manages to spit out a, “you too,” before halfway running out of the coffee shop.
She can’t even explain to herself why she left as quickly as she did. But Bellamy recognising the locket had struck a chord. She’s terrified that he’s going to speak to Raven and piece two and two together and figure out that she’s still holding on to him.
And it’s not like she’s still in love with him. It’s been eight years. She’s not. But there is a part of her that never let him go. A part of her that even hoped. That part had thought about sending him a friend request and getting back in touch with him. In her head, she’d thought that maybe now they were adults they could be friends, and maybe more, again.
But she’d never done it of course. She didn’t know how. Didn’t even really want to. It was just an idea that she occasionally entertained.
And now, here he is. In her city. Running into Raven and getting invited on their coffee dates. She doesn’t know how to deal with it.
She just needs some space and some wine to wrap her head around it.
*
“I thought you were sad because you broke up with Niylah,” Luna says, pouring Clarke another glass of the red wine that she only drinks because it makes her feel mature. They’re getting drunk in Luna’s studio because that’s what adults do. And they're both adults.
“I am sad about that,” Clarke mutters. “Sort of. It’s kind of been blown out the way by Bellamy reappearing in my life.”
“Bellamy, as in your high school boyfriend, Bellamy?” Luna asks.
Luna was the first person Clarke had met when she moved. She was doing an internship at the museum she got her job at, so they spent a lot of time together in those first few months. As a result, she’d told her basically her whole life story.
“Yes,” Clarke mutters, working on keeping a straight face as she has another mouthful of wine.
“He hasn’t really reappeared in your life,” Luna says comfortingly as Clarke’s phone buzzes with a Facebook notification. “He just got coffee with you and Raven once. Don’t stress yet.”
“I’m stressing,” Clarke groans, holding up her phone for Luna to see. Bellamy’s sent her a friend request. “You should have seen how awkward I was leaving today.”
“I wish I did,” Luna smirks, taking the phone off Clarke. She’s pretty sure she’s accepting the friend request. Clarke doesn’t stop her, just flops dramatically back on the floor.
“What am I going to do?”
“What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know,” Clarke says, staring at the ceiling rather than her friend. “I guess it would be nice to be friends again.”
“Then be friends again,” Luna says, as though it’s that easy.
“I’m too awkward.”
“Be less awkward.”
“You’re a fountain of wisdom,” Clarke says sarcastically rolling over to face Luna. She’s typing something on Clarke’s phone. “What are you doing?”
“Replying.”
“To who?” Clarke jumps up and snatches her phone away.
Bellamy Blake
It was nice to see you again today.
Clarke Griffin
It was :)
Sorry for running out today. Forgot I had to meet a friend.
Bellamy Blake
It’s fine. :)
“You’re the worst,” Clarke sighs, looking down up from the messages. Luna hasn’t done anything wrong. All she did was reply to a message Clarke probably would have stared at for way too long.
“I’m not,” Luna shrugs, hopping off the stool and sitting beside Clarke. “I’m helping.”
“Thanks,” Clarke whispers, leaning her head against Luna’s shoulder.
She’s not really sure what she’s freaking out about, just that she’s freaking out. Bellamy probably just wants to be friends again and she’s making such a big deal over nothing. She’s over him. She’s not in love with him anymore. They have history, but that doesn’t need to define who they are now.
It’s fine.
Really.
*
In the end, Luna accepting the friend request and replying to Bellamy actually did Clarke a favour. They start messaging back and forth, continuing their catch up. It’s only a few days later that they’re telling each other unimportant details about their days. When she has to deal with a particularly rude client, she bitches to him about it without even thinking. He complains to her about his unfair professor and it’s almost like there weren’t eight years of radio silence.
They talk about the past a bit but they never talk about their relationship or what happened between them. Which suits Clarke just fine. She doesn’t even know what she would say.
As she gets to know him again, she finds that like his looks, he’s changed but she still recognises him. He’s more his own person now, he’s proud of his sister and still worried about her, but doesn’t feel the need to go out and bring her home. He still cares about everyone and everything, but he’s not carrying the weight of the world on his own. He knows how to ask for help. He uses his head, not just his heart like before.
She likes the person he’s grown into. She really likes him. She wants to be his friend.
“Are you sure you just want to be his friend?” Raven teases, as she explains this to her. She’s a little tipsy and she can’t stop gushing about Bellamy. It's been two weeks since she'd seen him at the coffee shop.
“Of course,” Clarke says confidently. She can see herself falling for this grown-up version of Bellamy, but it hasn’t happened yet.
“Mhmm,” Raven hums, carefully applying the finishing touches to Clarke’s makeup. They’re meeting some of their friends at the bar to celebrate Roan’s birthday. Bellamy’s going to be there. Clarke’s excited to actually see him again. They’ve only messaged since the awkward encounter. “I believe it.”
"You should," Clarke says, watching Raven dig through her wardrobe for a pair of shoes. It still reminds her of high school. Sharing clothes and doing each other's makeup and pregaming a little hard before going out.
They get an Uber to the bar and the driver gets lost, so by the time they arrive all their friends are already crowded around a table. Raven slides into the booth next to Luna, leaving the only free space next to Bellamy. Clarke can’t even bring herself to care as she sits down beside him.
“Princess,” he greets her and Clarke rolls her eyes at him but can’t keep the grin off her face. It’s not awkward. They’re friends.
“What are we drinking?” Clarke asks, reaching for Emori’s glass.
“Sure,” Emori laughs. “Help yourself.” She’s Murphy’s girlfriend and Clarke hasn’t known her long but she really likes her. She brings out the best in him.
Clarke had known Murphy was in New York, but she’d never reached out until Raven found out he was around. They’d been friends on and off through college and reconnected at the start of the year. Bellamy had also been excited to find he was around. Clarke's just trying not to think about how much her current social circle resembles the one from eight years ago.
“The line is too long,” Clarke whines, taking another sip.
“I just ordered a jug,” Emori smiles, “because I knew you two would try and steal my drinks.”
“You know us well,” Raven calls across the table.
It’s a nice night. Clarke hasn’t really had time to catch up with her friends between her two jobs and their work and study. She gets a little drunk, but so does everyone else. They dance and Raven manages to convince Clarke to sing karaoke with her. She trash talks Roan into versing her at pool and then loses so badly she has no choice but to start cheating, knocking her balls in when Roan is distracted.
“Having fun?” Bellamy asks her. It’s late and she’s leaning against the bar watching Raven dance with Luna and deciding whether or not to order another drink.
“I am,” she smiles. She hasn’t spoken to him alone tonight and despite the alcohol, she’s a little nervous. But he’s smiling that easy smile and she finds it melting away.
This is Bellamy. He was her best friend. She doesn’t need to be nervous.
“Me too,” he says. “I haven’t really been out much.”
“Is it because you’re a giant nerd?” She teases, not able to help herself.
“Studying has held me back a little,” he laughs. “And I didn’t really know anyone I wanted to come out with until I met you guys again.”
“Happy to be of service,” she grins.
“Do you want anything?” He asks, nodding his head towards the bar and fishing his wallet out of his pocket.
“Just some water,” she decides.
“Sensible princess,” he smirks over his shoulder before turning his attention back to the bartender.
“I learnt the hard way,” she admits.
He doesn’t respond for a moment, ordering his own drink and asking for a bottle of water.
“Want to sit outside for a bit so I can actually hear you?” He asks, handing her the bottle. It’s late, the music has been turned up to keep the patrons there, rather than at the clubs a couple of blocks over.
“You’re such a grandpa,” she grins, following him onto the terrace.
“So, you learnt the hard way?” He presses, once they’re sitting down.
“Oh, it’s nothing,” she laughs but goes on to tell about her first few years of drinking and not knowing when to stop. How there was more than one occasion where she got kicked out of where they were because she had gotten too messy.
He laughs and tells her a story about his twenty-first and ends it with, “I only know all this because Miller was there. I don’t remember anything.”
They fall into conversation again and it’s easy. She almost forgets that the rest of her friends are inside and that they’re probably talking about them. Not that there is anything to say. They’re two friends sitting at a respectable distance apart having a conversation.
“It’s such a nice night,” Clarke muses, leaning back on her elbows and looking up at the sky. She’s drunk enough and sitting close enough to the heater that she doesn’t even notice the October chill.
“It is,” Bellamy agrees, following her gaze.
“Orion,” she says distractedly, pointing out the stars that make out the constellation. If she was sober, it would occur to her that she only remembers that because it was Bellamy who had told her. Eight years ago, laying in her backyard.
“I’m impressed,” he teases. “Never thought you’d be into astrology.”
“I had a good teacher,” she says quietly. It’s the first time either of them mentioned their past. But it doesn’t feel heavy. It’s a fond memory.
“You did,” he grins. “Remember anything else?”
She’s a little too pleased that she can point out several other constellations above them.
It’s going so well. She’s almost waiting for the other shoe to drop.