Chapter Text
"where were you?" mark questioned freddie as the singer walked through the front door. it was easily noticeable that freddie was tipsy, perhaps even fully drunk. mark had his arms crossed, waiting for an answer.
"i was just out with the boys, love" freddie replied, his mouth feeling sour at the word 'love'.
mark nodded his head slowly but his eyebrow was still raised. "that still doesn't answer my question, love. where were you?"
freddie hated when mark got like this. controlling and angry. he despised it when he treated him like a child who couldn't control or look after himself. freddie had gotten used to it, however. this was just how mark was and he was going to have to get used to it.
"why does that matter? it wasn't like i was fucking them. why do you always treat me like a petulant child?" the singer raised his voice a little, throwing his coat down on the arm of sofa.
mark just kept his eyes on freddie's face. he could easily tell when he was lying. a perk of being soulmates.
"you fucked someone though, didn't you?" - mark chose not to raise his voice this time. if he did, freddie would just keep denying it.
"oh don't be so ridiculous, mark." the singer retaliated, his words slurring.
"i can tell when you're lying, freddie. who was it?"
"i don't know! let's just go to bed, dear." - freddie was too hazy and too unbothered to deal with this right now.
"freddie you do fucking realise what could happen to you if anyone found out about your little shag fests?!" mark did shout this time. although the pair definitely weren't right for eachother, they still cared somewhat for eachother's well-being.
freddie kept silent, walking to their shared bedroom. they didn't live together officially, but freddie spent most nights at mark's with the hope that one day he would fall in love with him and all his worries and stress would be over. it wasn't looking too positive, though.
"yes, mark, i do realise."
"then why do it, fred?"
freddie just shrugged and turned around slowly to face the other man. before he could stop himself, he collapsed against mark, taking him in his arms.
"im so sorry, mark. i really am. it won't happen again."
mark rubbed his back up and down.
"i know it won't. i'll make sure of it." he replied. freddie couldn't help but detect a menacing and slightly scary tone.
the thing was with mark and freddie was that they could have good days and bad days.. at the start of their relationship, all was well. freddie did like mark in more of a platonic way. he wasn't too sure about mark's feelings but he could probably guess that mark like liked freddie.
on the good days, mark would treat freddie with gentleness and kindness. he would stroke and play with his raven coloured locks and freddie would relax into his arms.. even freddie couldn't deny that he enjoyed the good days. he loved being cared for and looked out for and it reached the point where he didn't care who was looking out for him, just as long as he enjoyed it.
on the bad days, however, it was bad. mark wasn't an alcoholic as such, but he did drink alot, and when mark got drunk and more angry than usual, he liked to take it out on freddie, for reasons the singer couldn't understand. he had only slapped him once and mark had apologised profusely the day after, but freddie would never be able to forgive him properly. nobody fucking hit freddie mercury.
freddie would be lying if he said he didn't hit mark straight afterwards, though. he was just trying to defend himself. freddie didn't apologise. he didn't have to. mark hurt him first.
it was mostly verbal. mark had called freddie countless names over the past year. and freddie had called him countless names over the year.
the singer couldn't count how many times he had stormed out of mark's apartment in a rage and headed to his own official home where he lived with brian, roger and john (although john was hardly ever there. he was always at veronica's).
mark and freddie had always crawled back to eachother, however, both of them being too scared to face the consequences of if they broke up.
there were more good days than bad days, however, so freddie couldn't complain. nobody knew about the bad days. not even brian and roger. whenever freddie had stormed out and went back home, he never really told his best friends why he was so angry and upset. he mostly made up excuses to do with 'stress' or something. sometimes he didn't even answer brian and roger at all when they asked what was up. he was embarrassed that he let someone else take over his life completely. nobody told freddie fucking mercury what to do, and yet mark had figured out a way.
considering the night's events, freddie could predict that the day after would most likely be a bad day. that was the reason why freddie sneaked out from under mark's arm in the middle of the night and went to sleep in the spare room. on bad days, mark liked to wake up and have sex. rough sex. freddie had never been opposed to rough sex in the past, he had actually quite enjoyed it. but the person who he was having said sex with him was never actually angry. mark was, and so freddie found it incredibly hard and painful to walk afterwards. it had been so bad at some occasions that he collapsed in the bathroom and sobbed for hours on end.
freddie would also never tell anybody about this. he had a huge phobia of embarrassment. and that's exactly what he was. a big humongous embarrassment to his best friends, his family. to himself. to john.
john seemed so happy with veronica, and freddie was ever so happy for him. john deserved a beautiful romance with veronica. ronnie treated him well and that's all freddie could ask for. john treated veronica well, too, and freddie was so proud of him for that. veronica was such a nice and gentle woman. john deserved her and veronica deserved him.
they were perfect for eachother.
and through all of this, freddie couldn't help but feel jealous. he wanted that big love, the fairytale. he wanted that with john, and then he had wanted that with mark but then he realised that he could never love mark and so he was just stuck.
♛
morning came and freddie had a stiff neck due to the awful cushions that were on the bed in the spare room. he seriously needed to consider buying comfier bedding considering the many nights he spent in there alone.
he groggily got out of bed and ran his hands through his hair. he didn't really want to get up and face mark but he had no other choice.
"you slept in there again? really, freddie?" mark spoke as freddie walked into the kitchen. the singer just nodded without a single word.
"oh are you giving me the silent treatment now? how nice." mark chuckled - but it wasn't funny at all.
the pair were silent as freddie was making a sandwich for breakfast.
"im going back home to see rog and bri," freddie announced. "i should be back later."
mark let out a huff. "this is your home, freddie. you are always here."
"it isn't officially my home. it never will be"
"oh don't be so fucking ridiculous."
freddie was too tired to start an argument and so he took a bite of his sandwich, grabbed his long fur coat and headed out the door.
the singer was surprised to see john sat alongside brian and roger in their flat. john was hardly ever there and so it made freddie wonder the reason behind his presence. did he have an argument with ronnie? was he just visiting? did they have a band practice that he'd forgotten about in the midst of the arguing with mark?
swallowing the last bite of his sandwich, freddie made his way fully into the living room and greeting his friends by waving a hand and nodding, unable to speak due to the food in his mouth.
"back again fred?" brian started, wondering about the singer's wellbeing. freddie forced a chuckle, not wanting to give away any negative emotion. freddie was the strong one, the one who was supposed to be happy and jolly all the time. at times like these, though, he found it exhausting.
"i am indeed. missed you all," freddie winked playfully, sitting himself down by roger and john, squashed in the middle of them.
"we're flattered, fred." roger joked back, elbowing the singer softly in the sides.
a long silence overcast the four men, neither one of them knowing how to start up another conversation. and so, they all just sat there. john shaking his knee, roger itching the top of his gums with his tongue making a horrible squelching sound and brian itching the top of his head amidst the abundance of rabid curls.
brian, roger and john had a slight suspicion that the reason why freddie made such frequent visits back home was because of problems in mark's home. that's the reason why brian brought it up.
"everything okay at home, fred?" brian softly spoke, knowing this could potentially be a sore spot for the singer. freddie directed his gaze at the guitarist, tilting his head in confusion.
"of course, darling. we're not arguing, are we?" freddie laughed awkwardly, scanning each of his friends faces to detect any anger across their features.
"i meant at your home. with mark." brian then tilted his own head in confusion, as did roger and john.
"that isn't my home dear, don't be silly. this is my home, i've lived here and paid rent long enough," freddie shot back, slightly hurt that brian would insinuate that this was no longer his home. that he was no longer welcome here.
another awkward silence draped itself over the room, brian and roger looking at eachother with concerned eyes, john looking down at the floor, refusing to meet any type of eye contact with anyone in the room.
and then suddenly, they all heard the kettle whistle. brian shot up instantly. "rog, wanna come help with the tea?"
roger nodded with such force that freddie feared for the state of his neck.
"fred? tea?" the blonde asked, looking into freddie's eyes. the singer just returned roger's question with a nod, holding up his pointer finger as if to say 'with one sugar, please'. roger understood the gesture and rushed off into the kitchen with brian, leaving a quiet john and freddie behind.
as soon as the two left, john turned himself towards freddie, taking the singer by surprise.
"you can be honest with me, you know." john tried to lighten the tension in the room.
"i don't know what you're talking about, dear," freddie replied, locking his eyes on the table in front of them, refusing to meet the bassists longing eyes.
"i remember what you told me, freddie. last night. at the club. about how you and mark aren't really the best together and such." john treaded softly, not wanting to anger or upset the older man, since it was clear he was a little upset as soon as he walked into the room.
freddie didn't reply for a hot minute until he let out a long, exasperated sigh. john had a feeling that he wanted to let it all out. that he didn't want to hide what was truly going on at mark's. but john also didn't know if anything was going on at mark's, so he didn't really have the right to assume anything and act upon it.
"i don't like it there." freddie's voice was nothing but a delicate whisper, so quiet that john only just about heard the singer's words. john softened his features immediately.
"why not?" the bassist pouted, scooting just a little closer to his friend who was showing his rare vulnerable side all of a sudden.
"it's mark. he was angry last night."
"about what?" john instantly questioned, still keeping the soft tone.
"about how i was out late last night. he was angry when we went to bed so i slept in the spare room because-" the singer stopped.
john nodded his hear as if to say '..carry on'
freddie looked hesitant and he ponderer wether or not he should tell john. he knew john wouldn't shout at him or do anything like kick freddie out of the apartment. that wasn't in john's nature. he was just scared that john would be embarrassed to be friends with him. because that's what freddie was. a weak, humiliating embarrassment.
"i..." freddie stuttered. john nodded again.
"go on. you can tell me anything," the bassist smiled, and when john looked at him like that, freddie knew that he couldn't make a fool of himself if he tried.
and yet, he couldn't find the balls to tell him.
"i don't... i don't really want to talk about it right now.... is that.. okay? im so so sorry" freddie stuttered, looking down in fear and shame. he expected john to stand up, have a go at him and leave. but he did nothing of the sort.
john's facial features relaxed and a look of complete adoration took over. he shook his head, smiling slightly.
"you don't have to apologise, silly. of course it's okay.. i won't force you to talk about anything you don't want." john spoke quietly.
and then, the bassist did something which completely took the singer by surprise. he opened his arms as if asking to envelope freddie in a bear hug. and who was freddie to refuse? he flung himself into john's awaiting arms, snuggling his face into his neck.
freddie scooted even closer to john without letting go and wrapped his arms around the younger man's back, gripping his shoulders from behind. i could get used to this, he thought. but i won't be able to get used to it because veronica was the one who was able to hug john intimately whenever she pleased, not me.
pushing his thoughts aside, freddie snuggled even more into john, the scent of his fresh cologne invading his nostrils. he was absolutely drunk on it, and he wanted to smell that cologne on him, on his pillows, in his bed.
it was at times like these that freddie wondered just why did they let eachother go? the obvious answer was right there in front of them, but why didn't they embark on a hot, sexy affair? they could have, the opportunity was there, but they both knew that in reality, it wasn't plausible. but, that didn't mean that freddie didn't lie awake at night, thinking of john and all the mischief they could have gotten up to if only this fucking soulmate system didn't exist.
even when mark was the one sleeping next to him freddie imagined it was his bassist best friend. mark normally slept with his back to freddie, and so it was easy for the singer to picture long, light brown locks of hair delicately cascading down the mans back and splayed out on the pillows. it was easy to imagine mark turning around to face freddie, but only this time, it was john's face. it was easy to imagine john as the one on top of him, pushing into him with ease instead of mark.
freddie knew that his thoughts were completely forbidden and if anyone except brian and roger found out, he'd be thrown in jail for life or executed. and yet, even with these malicious consequences, freddie couldn't find it in himself to give a shit. john was all freddie wanted. it stung his heart when realisation slapped him across the face, repeating over and over that him and john would never be a 'thing' and it was all in freddie's head.
he felt bad. not for mark but for veronica... freddie knew john wasn't straight. he was as straight as a fucking round-a-bout. but the bassist had convinced himself a heterosexual for ronnie's sake. it didn't escape freddie's attention yesterday when john reacted to the face that they were heading of to a gay club. he was over the moon!
freddie remembered the day when john came home crying because he had tried to have sex with a girl to try and 'escape the impure feelings he had towards men' and all he did was kiss the girl, make it to her bedroom and curl up into a ball and sob. the girl, however, had been incredibly supportive and had even offered to accompany john back home in a taxi.
'i couldn't do it,' said john, in freddie's arms, tears soaking through the older man's white silk shirt. 'i got to her room and just curled up. literally. and i sobbed for a good twenty minutes.'
freddie's heart literally broke in two.
'i get it, darling, i do. when i was your age i was in the midst of having sex and i just broke down in tears, very much still inside the girl.' freddie joked about the moment that happened years ago, but it really wasn't funny. freddie was at an incredibly vulnerable stage of his life at that time and that night pretty much shaped the person he was today, even if it was traumatising.
the singer squeezed onto his best friend as tight as possible, the thought of letting go physically hurting him.
they stayed like that for a good two hours. by the end of the first hour their fingers were interlocked and by the end of the second hour john was sat in freddie's lap, leaning back against his chest, arms wrapped around his torso and fingers still clutching tight onto one another.
since that day, freddie had only ever seen john with men. not one single woman had freddie seen john bring back to the flat or leave a club with. they were always men, and so freddie almost screamed when it was announced that john's soulmate was a woman. it just didn't make sense.
the day after matching day, freddie knew that john had called up someone basically questioning as to why he was matched with a woman. he was a man who also happened to be a raging gay. the person over the phone had apparently informed john that it was impossible for there to have been a mix up and that john perhaps wasn't gay after all. this really knocked john up, sending him into a spiral for days on end.
freddie guessed that john had decided to try and talk himself into being straight after seeing him locking his lips onto ronnie's.
and with all of this, freddie was still oblivious. oblivious to the fact that john also laid awake at night silently wishing that freddie was the one who's head was resting upon his chest and wishing that freddie was the one who had given him a killer blowjob not even an hour beforehand.
come to think of it, both men were clueless to the fact that even though it was one whole year ago, they wouldn't ever be able to get rid of the nagging inside their minds. the nagging that seemed to say 'suck it up you dickheads! you're made for eachother. lose control completely. love him, cherish him, treasure him. keep him. sleep with him. marry him. you'll regret it if you dont. you'll never meet another man like him in your life ever again.'