Chapter Text
The clock read 2:57.
His eyes burned, if it was from exhaustion or holding back tears, he wasn’t sure.
He head throbbed, body begging him to just sleep. But sleep brought nightmares, and nightmares were filled with flames and the awful taste of death. The cold, unseeing eyes of his siblings bore into his dreams. He shut his book with a little too much force for 2 am.
He couldn’t take it anymore, not by himself, not in this empty room. Five let himself wander through the empty hallways.
Five found himself in a place that brought back many memories. Memories he replayed in his head over and over when he was alone.
Five knocked, softly. He felt horrible, ashamed, weak. Why was he bugging Vanya with all of this?
The creak of the door opening pulled him back to reality.
“Five?” Her voice was heavy, confused, because he had just woken her up. Guilt flooded through him, he stood lamely in the doorway.
She touched his shoulder, sensing something was wrong. Vanya was always the one to comfort him when they were younger, “Five? What are you doing up?”
That was all it took. All it took for the tears to rush back. He stood, shaking pitifully like a leaf, hot tears streaming endlessly down his face. Vanya made a small sound of surprise, but didn’t say anything, he appreciated that. Five felt her take his hand and let her lead him into the room.
Once she had wrapped them both in a blanket, she spoke, the concern evident in her voice, “Will you tell me what’s wrong?”
“I-,” words weren’t coming and speaking seemed to only make the tears fall faster. Five sat silently, words damming up in his throat. The fact that he was crying was already bad, he wouldn’t give himself the opportunity to sob.
Vanya scooted closer to him, leaning in to pull him into a tight hug. Her frame was even smaller than his, but she held him so tightly, his ribs ached. He didn’t mind the pain, it gave him something to focus on.
Face buried in her hair, hands weaving gently through it, Five breathed deeply for what seemed like the first time in a lifetime.
After sitting in the comfort of each other’s breathing, Five calmed and the tears slowed.
Vanya whispered,” Want to tell me about it?” She wasn’t pushing him, always so thoughtful and careful. Vanya pulled away, now face to face.
“I can’t do it anymore.” He stated bluntly, staring at his hands that were still trembling in his lap.
“Can’t do what?” Vanya sighed, grabbing his hand again,” Five, [if you tell me, maybe it will help].”
“I don’t want to be alone anymore,” He whispered, the cursed tears threatening to make another appearance. He swallowed and continued,” I-I just don’t belong anywhere,” Vanya started to respond, but he kept talking,” you all have your lives and I have nothing.” He laughed bitterly.
“No.”
Five stared at his sister,
“Sure, we all have things to do,” she continued,” but we are all broken, Five. We have so much to fix.”
“At least you have something to fix.” Five said, voice barely even reaching a whisper.
“Five-“ Vanya tried to say something, but he didn’t let her.
“Vanya, I have no purpose,” Tears were flooding his vision, Five let the anger and desperation in,” I spent my entire life just trying to do one thing. Now it’s done, what do I do?” He broke down, fully this time, unable to hold it back anymore. God, he was so tired.
Vanya tugged the blanket tighter around him. She let him cry in her arms, staying silent and gently rocking him back and forth, soothing him.
Eventually, he tired out, the exhaustion from his break down and practically no sleep for the past few weeks catching up to him. Vanya held her comforter up, gesturing to scoot in.
When they were situated, Vanya whispered to him as his drifted off,” You’ll always have a place with us, no matter what.”
~
Vanya squinted in the early morning light. The clock that rested near her bedside blinked 4:27 at her. She didn’t need to be up for a few more hours, why was she up, then?
Her answer lay next to her, a tangled, tossing, crying mess. Vanya had experienced enough nightmares to spot one.
Vanya’s heart ached Not sure quite why, she decided to try something a little different. Vanya curled next to her brother, stroking his hair and whispering to him when he cried out. She told him she loved him, that they all did. When he cried out, she would remind him that he wasn’t alone. She told him all the things she wished to when he left, that he was smart, that they were proud of him, that he was funny, that they missed him. Little by little, he calmed. Vanya relaxed, arms curled around him still and they slept.
It would take some time, probably more than they all wanted, but things were going to be okay.
~
Five woke with a start. This was not his bed, nor his room. He sat, groggy and disoriented. Looking around, the time caught his attention, 9:02 am.
He blinked at the clock, head still foggy as he tried to remember what happened. Right. Vanya’s room, he broke down. They fell asleep soon after. Strangely, he didn’t remember many of his nightmares, usually they were so vivid.
Five tried to push down the shame in him as he began to leave the room. Where even was Vanya? He hoped he didn’t disturb her sleep too much… Just as he was leaving the room, a small handwritten note caught his eye:
Five,
Had practice early this morning, but I couldn’t bear to wake you. I think we should talk soon, maybe with Ben and the others too, I promise it will be okay. You’re not alone anymore.
-V
Five stared at the note, clutching it tightly in his hand. Telling the others was the last thing he wanted to do, but there wasn’t any chance Vanya was letting this go.
He sighed as he walked into the kitchen, it was probably for the best, anyways. When he looked up, he saw Allison and Diego smiling at him.
“Five!” Allison greeted, much to cheerily for the morning,” we were starting to worry about you.”
Diego didn’t say anything, but Five could see the relief in his eyes.
“Sorry, slept in,” Five muttered, pulling a chair next to them.
“I can tell,” Diego chuckled,” you’ve got some wild bedhead there kid.”
Five rolled his eyes at the ‘kid’ comment, but ran his hands through his hair anyways.
“We got you this,” Allison added, sliding a cup of coffee to him.
Five muttered a quiet ‘thanks’ and took a sip of the steaming drink. Maybe things weren’t going to be as bad as he feared.