Chapter Text
7 years ago
“I still can’t believe you told Mrs Jeon about Jinho!” Dahyun laughed, two fresh streaks of pink in her hair. “I would have died if you told her about trying to set me up with his friend.”
In the backseat, Chaeyoung shrugged. Her dark hair was unchanged from a year ago, but she was sporting a set of choppy bangs that were carefully messed up in order to give a dishevelled look. It was fashion, she’d explained to Tzuyu, who had merely nodded and gone back to helping Dahyun bleach her hair.
“It’s not like she’s ever going to meet him, she just loves being in on the gossip.” Chaeyoung smirked. “I mean what else is there to live for in a quiet little place like this? Hearing that I’ve got a boyfriend is probably the highlight of her week.”
“I didn’t realise you two were official.” Tzuyu spoke for the first time since they left the café.
Last time she came the café had filled her with joy and excitement, a delicious start to a fun week. But for some reason the food hadn’t tasted as nice this year, or maybe she’d been too distracted by Chaeyoung’s news to appreciate it properly. She didn’t know why she was so blindsided by it, Chaeyoung had become friends with this boy months ago, and it had been clear from the get go that he wanted to date her. Obviously, they weren’t all going to stay single forever, and it was no surprise that Chaeyoung was the first to get a boyfriend. Tzuyu was just surprised that Chaeyoung didn’t tell them until now, mentioning it casually when Mrs Jeon joked about bringing boys up next year.
“We’re not official.” Chaeyoung snorted. “We’ve just kissed a few times. He’s so annoying and needy, I don’t want to date someone like that.”
“Oh.” It felt like a balloon filled with stress had just popped in Tzuyu’s chest, and now she was floating with relief. “Yeah I get what you mean. He already acts jealous when you hang out with other guy friends, as a boyfriend he’d be too possessive.”
“Exactly.” Chaeyoung nodded. “He’s alright to look at I guess, but I’m glad it’s just the three of us on this holiday.”
“Yeah.” Tzuyu settled back against the seat, suddenly feeling a lot happier. “Me too.”
Her eyes met Dahyun, who was staring at her with a knowing grin. Tzuyu flushed red and turned to look out the window. She knew it was childish of her to be so possessive of her friends, no better than Jinho really, but she selfishly didn’t want them to add anyone else into their inner circle. Three was just fine with her.
At least Chaeyoung hadn’t picked up on her insecurities. For a free spirit like Chaeng, being unnecessarily tied down to anyone; boyfriends, friends, even family, was something she couldn’t stand. If she knew Tzuyu secretly felt just as clingy as the guy she’d been mocking, how would she…
No. Chaeyoung would never make fun of Tzuyu like that. She didn’t know why she was so sure about that but she was. For whatever reason, Tzuyu was different from Jinho.
The car pulled slowly to a stop, and just like that the atmosphere shifted. Earbuds were pulled out, seatbelts were unlocked and a lethargy from a post coffee and cake brunch seemed to wear off instantly as Dahyun and Chaeyoung pushed open the car doors.
“I call blue room!”
“I call the master bedroom! Just kidding mom, but dibs on the pink room!”
While the other two raced into the holiday home, Tzuyu got out of the car much slower, helping Dahyun’s mom lift the bags out of the trunk. Mrs Kim shot her a grateful smile, then sighed when she heard a crash from the house.
“Chaeyoung slipped on the stairs again it seems.”
“I thought you were joking last year about it being a tradition.” Tzuyu laughed.
“I wish I was.” Mrs Kim sighed. “Let me go get the first aid kit, you take your bags up to the green room.”
The green room, situated upstairs next to the blue room, was a cozy little bedroom with green wallpaper, green pillows, and green blankets. It was the dimmest of the bedrooms, with only a small window facing out to the sea to let the light in, which was why the other rooms were preferred by Dahyun and Chaeyoung. But Tzuyu had stayed here last year too, and setting the bags down and flopping onto familiar sheets felt like coming home.
“Tzuyu come on!” Chaeyoung bounced onto the bed, disturbing Tzuyu’s moment of peace.
Not that she minded in the slightest, not when Chaeyoung’s eyes were shining, amber and honey as the small amount of light from the window hit her face at just the right angle. Her friend was so beautiful, Tzuyu thought, way out of boys like Jinho’s league.
Chaeyoung yanked her up and back out of the room, socked feet skidding on the stairs again on her way down. Tzuyu caught her this time before she could fall on her ass, and when Chaeyoung laughed giddily Tzuyu felt every breath, the movements of Chaeyoung’s ribcage against Tzuyu’s own body making her laugh too.
They put their shoes back on and went outside to help with the remaining bags. Once the car was emptied, Chaeyoung grabbed both Tzuyu and Dahyun’s hand and led them into the back garden.
Situated near a small cliff, without any adjacent holiday homes to get in the way, the views from the house were breath-taking. A secure chain link fence warned them from getting too close to the edge while thankfully not obstructing the view. It was only as high as Tzuyu’s waist, but it did its job of marking the garden from the rest of the cliffside. Chaeyoung, ever the daredevil, chose to hop over the fence and head towards the top of the cliff. Tzuyu hesitated, not wanting to leave Dahyun behind, but Dahyun merely sighed and took a firm hold of Tzuyu’s hand before marching after their best friend.
The closer they drew to the cliff edge the tighter Dahyun’s grip on Tzuyu became, but Tzuyu couldn’t be bothered worrying about the lack of circulation in her arm. Not when Chaeyoung was standing in front of her, arms spread wide and head tilted up towards the sun. She looked ready to fly off the cliff, as if a strong gust of wind would just pick her up and spirit her away.
Tzuyu felt that tension in her stomach again, like when Chaeyoung had been talking about Jinho. It was probably because Chaeyoung was standing to close to the edge of the cliff. It was dangerous, and if Dahyun’s mom saw them they’d all be in trouble.
“Chaeyoung, let’s go back.”
Chaeyoung pouted, but turned and walked back to them. Dahyun tackled her as soon as she got close enough, yelling about taking too many risks and having to phone her parents if she fell off the edge, but Tzuyu barely heard her. Her mind was stuck on the image of Chaeyoung with her arms spread out and hair flowing in the wind.
What was this admiration she felt? It wasn’t like Chaeyoung had been doing anything extraordinary, just standing there, and yet she’d left Tzuyu awestruck. Maybe it was normal, to feel that way when you had friends as pretty as Chaeyoung. But then again Dahyun was also so beautiful, and Tzuyu didn’t feel the same warm tightness in her chest when she saw her.
Or did she? That time when Dahyun shared a stick of pepero with her and they’d ended up touching lips, her heart had felt strange then too. She’d chalked it up to embarrassment, but that definitely wasn’t what she felt when looking at Chaeyoung.
Mrs Kim stuck her head out the door and yelled that they’d be leaving in ten minutes. The three of them quickly scrambled back over the fence, running inside to freshen up before part two of their journey began. Tzuyu brushed her hair and got a fresh t-shirt out of her suitcase, laughing when she stepped out of her room and saw that Chaeyoung had done the exact same thing.
Ten minutes after Mrs Kim’s warning all three girls were back in the car, matching excited grins on their faces as they drove off to the Mega Luge. No one was sleepy this time despite the drive, the banter switching every minute from Dahyun’s fear of heights to Chaeyoung being small enough for the kiddie helmets to Tzuyu’s first time on the Luge last year, where she’d paused mid race to adjust her camera.
The ride up in the cable car was as pleasant as last year. Dahyun sat in the middle with her eyes closed, whining every time Chaeyoung deliberately rocked the car to mess with her. Tzuyu ignored them for the most part, staring out the window at the people zipping by below them. The world was so nice and calm from up here, present company not included.
“I’m really scared.” Something about the way Dahyun said that drew Tzuyu’s attention back into the car.
“Are you? We hadn’t noticed.” Chaeyoung snorted.
“Not about the cable car, you asshole.” Dahyun whacked Chaeyoung’s shoulder. “About starting high school.”
The mood got a little more serious after that, all three girls sobering up at the mention of the year ahead of them. For Chaeyoung and Tzuyu, it would be their last year of middle school, and their first year without Dahyun. For Dahyun, it would be her first year alone since the three of them became best friends.
“You’ll be fine.” Chaeyoung said, only half convincingly. “You started middle school a year ahead of me and that wasn’t a problem. You’re Kim Dahyun, you’ll make friends in no time.”
“You made friends with me.” Tzuyu pointed out softly.
“Yeah.” Dahyun smiled, and Tzuyu couldn’t tell if it seemed shaky because of the rocking of the cable car or Dahyun’s own nerves. “Just don’t forget about me, will you? We have to keep hanging out after school every day.”
“Well duh.” Chaeyoung smirked. “You’re still the only one who’s house has a piano. How do you expect me to practice for my inevitable career as an idol if you’re not there to provide musical accompaniment?”
“Please, if anyone’s going to become an idol it’s Tzuyu.”
Chaeyoung glanced over at Tzuyu, and for some reason her assessing gaze made a blush start creeping up Tzuyu’s face. She tried to maintain a stoic expression, right up until Chaeyoung looked back at Dahyun and shrugged.
“Yeah, I see what you mean.”
“I’m not going to become an idol.” Tzuyu felt the strong need to clarify that. “I just want to stay in school, being friends with you guys.”
Her blunt declaration made Dahyun coo, while Chaeyoung dramatically clutched her heart.
“You’ve won me over.” she announced. “I’ll put my idol career on hold for now and focus on my studies so we can graduate together.”
“Sacrificing your non-existent idol career for friendship? How touching.” Dahyun drawled.
They were all just joking around of course, but there was an undercurrent of sincerity to every sarcastic remark. They’d be ok, even with Dahyun at a different school in two months’ time. They’d find a way to stay together, that much Tzuyu knew for sure. The one-year age difference hadn’t stopped Dahyun and Chaeyoung from being each other’s best friend for their entire lives so far. This minor separation wouldn’t change anything.
“Oh thank god.” Dahyun sighed like she’d just gotten off a rollercoaster when the cable car drew to a halt. “We’re finally here.”
Present
Tzuyu stepped off the cable car, and after the quiet ride up the noise hit her stronger than the wave of heat. A gaggle of kids from some summer camp were ahead of them, chattering excitedly as they got their helmets on.
She felt Dahyun come up behind her, one hand pressed reassuringly against Tzuyu’s back. Tzuyu took a deep breath, then went to stand in line behind the kids. Both she and Dahyun were careful to avoid the pink kiddie helmets that Chaeyoung had somehow never outgrown.
This was a mistake. The voice in Tzuyu’s head whispered, and she couldn’t help but agreeing with it. Everything was just too raw, coming to a place like the Luge, filled with happy memories now so bittersweet… She should have told Dahyun no, should have waited longer than two measly years before coming back.
Her left hand reached for her right ring finger, brushing the gold band in an attempt to focus her mind. She couldn’t break down here, not with all those happy children right in front of her. They didn’t deserve to experience that on what should be a fun adventurous ride.
“Fuck.” Dahyun laughed softly next to her. “No one’s beaten her record yet.”
Tzuyu turned to look at the wall behind them, already dreading what she would see. Proudly tacked on a wooden board was a sign proclaiming the current course champion, who’d completed the luge in the shortest time. Three photos hung on the wall, one of Chaeyoung laughing with her trophy, one of her smiling while Dahyun and Tzuyu kissed her cheeks, and one of the three of them posing, Dahyun holding the trophy while Chaeyoung tried to kiss her, arms wrapped around both Dahyun and Tzuyu.
She was well familiar with the almost hypnotising effect every photo of Chaeyoung had on her. There were plenty back home that she could spend hours looking at, trying to remember exactly what had triggered the expressions Chaeyoung wore. Trying to remembering the sounds and the moments from every individual photo she had, and speculating about the ones that were before her time.
But today she found herself just as drawn towards her own younger self. The girl in those photos was so happy, eyes shut and a smile clearly visible even as she kissed Chaeyoung’s cheek. Looking at the third photo, Tzuyu could barely remember how it felt, to smile at the camera like that while Dahyun and Chaeyoung goofed around next to her.
It felt like a lifetime ago, or maybe someone else’s life entirely. It was as if Tzuyu had died that day along with Chaeyoung, and the woman she was now was merely a reincarnation, born into a much bleaker world.
“We’re up.” Dahyun handed her a helmet, pulling Tzuyu’s eyes away from the photos. “Let’s see if we can beat that old record this time.”
Dahyun sounded genuinely excited at the prospect, but Tzuyu knew her too well. Dahyun was good at blurring the lines between faking it and making it, to the point where she almost convinced herself she was feeling fine. The wave of grief would probably hit her later like it did at the coffee shop, but for now she was smiling and Tzuyu didn’t begrudge her that.
She forced herself to smile back, although it was more of a grimace. They put their helmets on and walked out to the top of the platform. Right before the area where you got your ride was a small platform with two stationary carts, perfect for taking photos. Every time they came here Dahyun would insist the three of them pause and take turns sitting in the carts. Chaeyoung always joked that she snapped at least a thousand pictures of them every year.
Dahyun didn’t even look at the carts today. She just went straight down to the safety training area, linking arms with Tzuyu the entire time. They nodded along as the instructor explained how to steer and brake, well familiar with the spiel given to everyone going on the ride.
Soon they were racing off down the slope, Dahyun cheering, Tzuyu focused on steering. She quickly passed by the older girl, who just laughed at the familiarity of it all.
Tzuyu wanted to laugh, but unlike Dahyun she didn’t find the familiarity a pleasant thing. It always used to be her and Chaeyoung racing to the finish line, while Dahyun hung behind turning the corners at a much slower and safer pace. Now, racing alone, neither the beautiful views or the adrenaline coursing through her as she picked up speed could fully counteract how lonely she felt.
She tried to remember having fun with Chaeyoung here, but all she could think about was Chaeyoung on that cliff, eyes closed, embracing the sky. That feeling of pure freedom was one Tzuyu never fully attained, only came close to it sometimes when Chaeyoung kissed her, or when the three of them would stay up all night, talking about nothing and everything.
She leaned back and turned a corner sharply, savouring the jolt of nerves as her cart almost skidded. The more speed she gained the less her memories clouded her mind. Had the course always been this fast? Or maybe Tzuyu was just less scared of crashing. It was easier to take risks when it felt like you had nothing to lose.
Maybe she would never really understand how Chaeyoung felt that day, but with the adrenaline starting to drown out the sorrow, Tzuyu felt closer to her than she had in a while. It was as if Chaeyoung’s ghost was clinging on behind her, laughing as they sped down the course.
Faster, faster.
She turned another curve, relishing the fear she felt as the cart wobbled. The bigger the threat grew that she would get knocked on her side, the more she felt Chaeyoung’s presence. She breezed by the children from earlier, grinning at the surprise on their faces. Tzuyu felt like she was flying, zero hesitation every time she turned the cart without slowing.
The track was starting to grow less steep, and disappointment hit her as she felt herself slowing down. She wasn’t ready for it to end, not when she could still feel Chaeyoung’s spirit urging her on.
Faster, faster!
Tzuyu steered the cart into as steep and straight a line as possible, cutting sharply around edges and corners to try and maximise any remaining speed she could get. The rush in her veins was addictive, like she was finally alive again. When was the last time she’d done something like this? Back before everything changed, most likely.
She turned onto the end of the slope, the wind whipping by her, carrying her laughter away. One more curve left to go, and Tzuyu waited until the last possible second to jerk her cart to the left. It skidded, hit the edge of the track, and everything went wrong.
She felt herself get thrown into the air as the cart flipped over, landing painfully on the tar road. Her hands and knees burnt, the skin scraped and raw, but it was the ache in her bones from how she hit the ground that really got to her.
How foolish of her to try and escape reality.
She picked herself up before the children who slowed down actually got off their carts to help her. Her legs felt stiff as she limped over to the grass where the cart lay on its side. No one tried to talk to her thankfully, they just shot her concerned looks as they slowly passed by her.
“Tzuyu! Tzuyu what the hell happened?”
Dahyun came down the track at a steady pace, braking in front of Tzuyu and hopping out of her cart. She ran over and put her arms under the damaged cart, helping Tzuyu push it back onto the track.
“I saw you zooming by everyone from up there.” Dahyun nodded back up the hill. “Why were you going so fast? Why didn’t you turn in time?”
“I was just trying to get it over with in the fastest time I could.” A lie, but there was no way Tzuyu was telling the truth to anyone.
Unfortunately, Dahyun knew her too well to buy that excuse. Tzuyu had never driven so recklessly before, not even that time Chaeyoung promised to take her on a boat trip date if she won.
(She lost, but they’d gone on that cruise anyway. Tzuyu had just paid for the food instead.)
“Are you ok?” There was too much concern in Dahyun’s eyes and Tzuyu couldn’t deal with it right now, not when she was still recovering from such a good high and an abrupt crash.
“I’m fine.” She scraped the dirt off her ripped jeans and adjusted her helmet. “Lets just finish the course.”
She avoided Dahyun’s eyes, aware by doing so she was waving a big red flag that she wasn’t fine at all. It didn’t matter, Dahyun wouldn’t press.
“Well I guess I’m scratching cliff diving off the to do list.” Dahyun let out a humourless laugh.
That stung a little, although Tzuyu couldn’t say it wasn’t deserved. It’s not like she was actually suicidal or anything, but she could see why her recklessness would make Dahyun wary.
“Do whatever you want.” Tzuyu shrugged. “This is your stupid road trip anyway.”
“If you’re not having fun you can go home at any time.” There was an edge of warning to Dahyun’s voice, one Tzuyu hadn’t heard in years, not since high school when she and Chaeyoung teased Dahyun for her crush on Jeongyeon.
“I’m fine.” Tzuyu repeated, sitting down in her cart. “Thanks for the help.”
She didn’t wait for Dahyun to reply, pushing forward until she was rolling down the last few hundred meters of the track. She was far more careful this time, not eager to repeat the painful tumble.
Dahyun finished the course twenty seconds after Tzuyu. Tzuyu didn’t brag about the win, and Dahyun didn’t whine about losing. She did talk to the staff though, cheerfully telling them about their previous times on the Luge while Tzuyu headed straight for the car.
She was in the middle of cleaning the cuts on her knees when Dahyun opened the door. She didn’t mention the tense exchange they’d had, just reached over and handed Tzuyu a photograph.
“I told the staff about Chaeyoung and they let me look through their archives. There wasn’t much, but I did find this.”
Tzuyu stared down at the picture. It was definitely taken during their first year at the Luge. Her hair was shorter, and none of them had any highlights or bangs. But still…
“I don’t remember this.” Tzuyu frowned, tracing over the part of the photo where her hand held Chaeyoung’s. “When did we take this?”
“Mom took it once we finished the race. It was the only pretty photo she got, because you and I kept making ugly faces in all the others.”
Tzuyu remembered the race. She remembered that whole day, her first time being there. But she couldn’t remember taking this photograph.
“Why can’t I remember?” She didn’t mean for her voice to sound so broken. “I can’t remember it Dahyun.”
“That’s perfectly normal.” Dahyun said, reaching out to pat Tzuyu’s arm. “We forget stuff all the time, and this is from eight years ago. It’s ok-”
“It’s not ok!” Tzuyu clenched her fist, the ring digging into her skin. “I can’t forget. Not her.”
“It’s just one memory Tzuyu.” Dahyun sounded worried again, her words careful like they’d been on the track. “As much as you want to, you can’t expect to remember every single moment. It doesn’t mean you’re disrespecting her, just that life keeps moving on.”
“I don’t want to move on.”
“Me neither.” Dahyun gave a bitter sigh. “But it’s not like I can ask my brain to dredge up every single memory I have of Chaeyoung and play it on a constant loop in order for me to never forget. We have to move on, that’s just how it works.”
“No.” Tzuyu shook her head. “I wear this ring every single day so I won’t forget. Even if my brain tries to erase everything, I won’t let it take her.”
Dahyun shot her a look, but didn’t say anything further. She started the car up and drove away from the Luge. Tzuyu stared out the window, watching as the park grew more and more distant.
“We’re going to have to find a way to make peace with this you know.” Dahyun spoke at last. “That’s what I’m trying to do with this stupid road trip. Figure out how to let her go.”
Good luck with that. Was Tzuyu’s first thought, but that was nasty and uncalled for so she didn’t say it. She was fairly convinced that she’d never make peace with the cruelty of Chaeyoung’s death, but if Dahyun wanted to try she wasn’t going to stop her. No point spreading the bitterness and hopelessness any further than its toxic root.
“I’m hungry.” she said instead. “Think we can find somewhere to buy snacks that’s not filled with a million poignant memories?”
Dahyun smiled, unfazed by the abrupt subject change.
“I’ll do my best to find one.” she said.
Tzuyu took her phone out, with the intention of searching up nearby shops. Instead, a post on Instagram caught her eyes. Two girls posing together in a familiar restaurant, looking nauseatingly sweet as they pretended to feed each other.
“Did you know Jeongeyon and Sana are on the island too?”
Judging by Dahyun’s surprised face, this was news to her as well.
“Should we go catch up with them?”
“Why not?” Tzuyu smirked. “They might actually have a hotel booked, instead of planning to sleep in the back of a car for a week and expecting not to smell like grime.”
“What part of ‘road trip’ did you not understand?”
Smiling at Dahyun’s mock offense, Tzuyu fired off a quick text to Jeongyeon. This was a pleasant surprise, but most definitely a welcome one.
The more friends surrounding them, the less glaringly painful her absence would be.