Chapter Text
Matt was still out when Karen pulled off in a deserted parking lot - that looked more like a small stretch of overgrown gravel. The sun was setting, stretching the shadows of the trees and bushes, scattered above what looked like bogs around them, and of the woods nearby.
It would be a great spot.
Matt only moved when the cooling engine started ticking. He stretched again, and groaned.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“I guess I needed it.”
“You did. It’s not as if you could have replaced me, anyway.”
“I could try…" Karen had a silent laugh."Yeah, okay, no." Matt sat in a more normal position, scratching his hair, his eyes half closed. "Where are we?”
“Mashomak Nature Preserve. Right at the tip of Long Island. We can’t go further east.”
“Aren’t preserves supposed to be closed at night?”
“Let’s say I talked to the guard. And was very persuasive.”
“Without waking me up? Are we in fact criminals, now?”
Karen shrugged.
Matt smiled.
She didn’t know if he had bought her joke - probably not.
“I got a permit, you silly. I’m actually surprised we’re alone. The thing is… we’re stuck here until tomorrow morning.”
Matt winced, but didn’t say anything.
Matt opened the door, but stayed sat in. He took a deep breath, taking all his surroundings in.
It could have knocked him off his feet. The car had carried New York’s, Hell’s Kitchen’s very urban smells with it. Now the outside air, chill and humid, brought so many different, unknown smells, his head was turning.
But not all of them were unknown. In fact…
“I’ve already been here."
"What?!"
Karen turned at once. She was already out, walking slowly around.
Matt sat very still, his eyes wide open.
"Not… not here here ."
He passed a hand through his hair.
"I don't… I don't remember that well, but… The smell. I've been in a place like this. I actually…" He closed his eyes. "I see my dad. And… Green? Green. Trees. He must have brought me once out in a place like this, once, and I didn't remember."
Matt licked his lips. Karen walked to his side of the car and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Oh, Matt, it's…"
"It's good. It's good."
"Okay." She squeezed his shoulder a little, then walked a few steps away, leaving him some room.
Karen walked past the car, letting her eyes wander on the landscape, leaving Matt alone for a while. She didn't really know how to handle this.
After a short moment, she felt too awkward, when she usually didn't mind being with Matt and not talking. But there, in the middle of nowhere, fully alone, it was too much. She crossed her arms and turned back to the car.
"This place is absolutely stunning. And perfect. Yeah, if we sit here, we'll have the perfect sight."
"Mh-mh."
Matt got up, and walked towards her, slowly. He took another breath in, and all the smells made his head swirl again. But now that he was closer to her, Karen's was outshining them.
"How is it? For you?"
Matt bit his lips. It was new, having to describe what he sensed and felt, and it was hard. He never had the right words - and he never knew how far he should go. But he wanted to be honest. They were here to share. He really wanted to hear Karen talk about the stars. He felt he owed her to describe his experience the best he could.
"Incredibly calm. And… It feels… I don't know how to explain." Matt had an embarrassed smile. "It's… as if I could… hear… further. Yeah. There are no solid obstacles, or not as big or thick as the city's concrete, you know? But, at the same time, it's messy, blurry, constantly moving. I think…"
He tilted his head, narrowing his eyes.
"I think it's the leaves. The plants. And the wind in them. And… There's the sea. Somewhere. It's all very… Alive. I don't know if you get what I mean. I'm sorry."
"I think… I do? Somehow. At least I think I understand what you mean." Karen smiled and had to fight herself from taking his hand.
"I guess that's what it'll be for the stars later." Matt shrugged, smiling.
He stopped talking or moving for a while. Contemplating.
Karen took her time to appreciate, too. Trees - not of essences she could all recognize - lined the big clearing they had stopped in. The parking lot was surrounded by long expanses of wild grass, small shrubs and wildflowers, some parts very swamp-like. There was absolutely no cloud in sight. The sun had almost disappeared now, his last rays bathing their surroundings in orange tones, painting the sky in variations from turquoise through magenta, and to deep indigo - she could already see the first, most shining stars up there. The sky could take such tones in New York, but there was never a stretch of it big enough for her to appreciate the full picture. There, it was all for them. For her.
She glanced at Matt, who was standing near, very still, very straight, with his hands in his pockets. He had closed his eyes and there was a hint of a smile, one that was obviously the reflexion of how he felt inside, on his lips. This made Karen smile too.
When she turned her head back to the sky, her neck let out a loud crack .
" OUCH ! You okay?" Matt was already next to her, his hands near her shoulders. Then he hesitated, and let his arms fall to his sides.
"Yeah," Karen giggled, feeling awkward, massaging her nape. "I think I've been staying on my laptop for slightly too long."
"If you're going to look up all night, we better find a way to relieve your neck. Got a blanket or something, in that car? We could just lie down. That's what you do, right?"
"Shit, I didn't even think about it."
She had. She was both afraid this would come up and fervently waiting for it. She had purposefully avoided to look into the trunk, in case there was no blanket there, and in case she couldn't resist adding one.
Maybe keeping the surprise for now wasn't a good idea.
"Karen? You good?"
Damn that man's hearing. Damn it.
"Yeah it's nothing. I'll have a look, wait."
She turned back to the car and opened the trunk.
"Oh, there's a wool blanket." Karen had not noticed Matt had followed her, and jumped a little. He knew there was a blanket and what fabric it was made of, even before she had put her eyes on it. She sighed.
"It's…" Karen unfolded it. "Quite small."
"Enough for one. You forget I don't really have to be lying down. I can just stay around and sit, to listen to you."
Karen had to clear her throat.
"Fair enough. I'll lay it near the car, so you can sit in there and we'd still be close."
She did so, as night was falling fast, now.
A small wind had risen, cooling the temperature. Autumn was already there. Karen shivered.
Matt walked up to her, the bag of sandwiches in his hand.
"Maybe we could share that blanket while we eat? If you - If you don't mind, of course. Then I'll leave you the room."
"Of course I don't mind. Come here.” She sat on one corner, leaving the other to Matt. They weren't exactly huddled together, but they were slightly too close for Karen.
Not that she didn't like it. It was that she did.
Why? Why now? She was okay with him when working. She didn't mind.
But now was different.
They ate in silence - Matt, famished, was trying not to eat the sandwich too fast. Because it wasn't very polite. And because it would have him stay longer next to Karen. He tried to forget that her heart was irregularly spiking whenever he got closer to her, by concentrating on their surroundings. He knew he was having an effect on her, but he didn’t want to try and interpret it.
Matt stopped between two bites, tilting his head.
As he had tried to explain to Karen before, the whole forest was moving ; wind in the leaves, in the grass ; millions of insects doing whatever insects do, and being very noisy about it ; trees cracking, acorns falling… It was extremely different, extremely disorienting, from his usual environment of cinder blocks and bricks. He needed to adjust to it, to pass this first impression that gave him something that he linked - in his mind, since he had never set a foot on a boat - to sea sickness. But in the middle of it all, a new sound had risen, right from the edge of the woods, coming towards them. Matt frowned, then smiled, when he recognized the animal - by scent. Those were really everywhere. Even if this one had a far better smell. More wild, free, and forest-like than the garbage fumet he was used to.
"Karen?"
"Mh?"
A new spike in her heartbeat. Matt almost blurted out a “ sorry ”, but managed to stop himself.
"Is there still enough light for you to see the woods, there?" Matt nodded in the direction of the noise.
"Yeah, uh, barely," Karen gulped down, intrigued - and her heart got faster again, but steadier. Maybe it was good to occupy her mind… Matt tried not to think about what could be on it.
"But it's quite far…"
"There's a raccoon just there. It's moving towards us. Can you see?" He pointed the direction, trying not to make too swift moves.
"Oh! Oh my god, no! Where?"
Matt was happy to notice she was suddenly excited and not thinking about whatever made her feel angsty anymore. She looked here and there, eagerly.
"I know they're pests, but I love them. They're so cute. I can't help it…" She sighed. "I can't see it…"
Matt slowly raised his hand again to point towards the animal. Kare held her breath, but sighed quickly.
“It’s too dark already. I can only make out shapes…”
“Sorry. I thought there was still enough light. The wind is throwing me off.”
“It’s okay.”
Karen got back to her sandwich. The raccoon had diverted her mind from Matt, but it had brought her back to some other thoughts. Far less pleasant. She didn’t know why, but she started talking about it. Maybe it was something to do with not being able to see Matt’s face properly anymore, now that darkness had fallen. Somehow, it was easier.
“My dad. He used to kill them. They were all over our trash cans, but they didn’t do much more than steal old food. It always made me sad.”
Matt didn’t say anything, so she went on.
“Mom, though, she liked them. Once, she brought a baby home, with a broken paw. Dad wanted to kill it, but she kept it for the night and brought it to a wildlife rehab the next morning. They had a big fight over it. What she was keeping it and saving it for, when it would come back as an adult and be killed anyway? But she wanted to give it -"
“A second chance. Maybe it wouldn’t come back”
Karen sniffed - the wind was cold. She would have to take the scarf she’d left on the back seat.
“Yeah. Exactly.”
“I think I would have liked your mom.”
“She would have liked you, too.”
They finished eating in silence.
When Matt crumpled the paper that held his sandwich, he thought about getting up. But Karen had warmed up, and her heart wasn’t spiking anytime he moved anymore.
Warmed up, only in talking. He felt her shiver next to him. He would rather stay, but he couldn't leave her like this.
“Hey. You want your jacket? I’ll go get mine.
“Yes, thanks. Can you please take the scarf, too?”
Matt nodded, not realizing she couldn't really see him, got up, and walked the few meters that separated the blanket from the car. That was too far. He wanted to sit next to Karen. Not in the car while she was just there, still very close but out of touch.
He shook his head. Too soon.
He got their jackets, and the scarf, running his fingers over the silk, smiling as he got a huff of Karen’s favourite spring flowers perfume.
“Here.” He held the scarf and jacket towards Karen as he came back, but didn’t sit down. “How’s the sky now?”
“Dark. Incredibly beautiful.” Karen took her clothes, and put on first the jacket, then the scarf, loosely around her neck. Matt closed his eyes and smiled when the flowery perfume got mixed with the scent of her hair.
“There’s still some thin line of light, further west,” she gestured. “But it’s already spectacular.” The smile in her voice, and the steady but excited rhythm of her heart… she felt better. Matt's smile broadened. But he didn’t want to push his luck.
He turned back to the open car, but Karen tugged at his hand.
“Hey.. Stay a little. There’s enough room for two if we sit.”
“But, your neck?
“It’ll crack, but I’ll survive.” She shrugged. “I don’t want you to feel left out, when we came here for the both of us.”
Matt sat down, and he was also glad she couldn’t hear like he did, because his heart was exploding and he felt a little silly about it. Like a teenager.
“So.” Matt tilted his head backwards, his nose up. “What’s to see up there?”
Karen looked up. It was almost fully dark, and the last traces of lighter blue, on the West, were disappearing fast. The stars had taken their rightful place over the sky; they were reigning over it.
Karen let out a big sigh. It had been years since she could witness this. It felt so peaceful… and having Matt next to her in this moment…
She felt like hugging him.
But she didn’t.
Instead, her hand found his and lay over it.
The view was pure and clear, the brightest stars sparkling, over a sea of tiny, countless others. Most shone a cold white, but a great number, bigger than she thought, were more colourful than she remembered. From blue, to reddish, passing through yellow. She could spot, from the corner of her eye, the whitish streak of the Milky Way, going from one side to the other.
She marveled at it all for a while, then she remembered she had not answered Matt’s question.
“Sorry. I got carried away…”
“I got that. No worries, take your time.”
When Matt answered, there was a big smile in his voice, which warmed her heart. She never consciously thought about it - she knew when people were smiling on the phone, for example, but it was not very conscious - but there, she thought that it was how it sounded to Matt when she smiled. She decided to try and smile more often, if it had the same effect on him than on her.
Then she cleared her throat. Enough of this, Karen.
“Okay… I don’t know where to start...”
Her hand was still over Matt’s. He turned his so as to hold it.
“There’s both nothing much to say and endless things to say. You really feel… you really feel the depth, there. Feeling very small and very far from all of this, some stars look closer, some further. You really feel tiny in front of this. But it’s not a sad feeling, you know?”
She turned her head back towards him. She could barely see - there was no moon to shine on them - but she noticed he seemed to be listening intently, his head tilted to the side, his eyes closed. He exuded a calmness she had very rarely seen from him.
It actually soothed her, too. She went on.
“I don’t know how to… do you… do you remember colors? You mentioned green earlier, but…”
“Kind of. I can’t really… call them up in my mind’s eye if that’s what you mean. I don’t really have that anymore.” Matt had an awkward laugh. “I remember the... idea? … of them?” He shrugged. “My visual memory isn’t what it used to be. I don’t think I… I don’t know, really. I can try to imagine... ” Karen felt him move, embarrassed, and slightly panicky, judging by his sudden acceleration of speech : “But please go on. Say it the way it feels the best for you. I’ll get it. And if I don’t… I still enjoy listening to you.”
She held his hand tighter.
“Okay. Well, see, they’re not all the same. Most look white, but if you look closely, some look blueish, some reddish or yellow. I don’t really know what it means, I’m not an astronomer,” she giggled. “But it makes it so that wherever you look, you see something different. In their order and their color. You wouldn’t think about it if you didn’t actually look closely, you know?”
She paused.
“It could be cold, but it’s not. It’s really not. At least for me. They're a proof… They're a proof that all things pass, but the world remains the same. It's a relief, in fact. That there are things that are seemingly endless. It means that things will be better again, you know? In fact, when I was a kid, all I wanted was to travel through space. To see the stars from closer. I’ve always been fascinated."
She was. It only left her life priorities when she striked fourteen or fifteen, when boys had become the sole thing you kind of had to be interested in, lest you’d be called a weirdo. But the fascination had stayed, and she remembered you could always find a young Karen sitting on the porch at night, looking up. It always made her feel better, even in dark, very dark moments.
She turned towards Matt, making out his profile in the very few light there was. By the time he was fifteen, he had been through his lot of dark moments already.
Sensing a change in Karen, Matt turned towards her, too. She had a lower voice when she talked again.
“Was it true? What you said, that first night?”
Matt gulped, then sighed.
“We’ve already been through this. I -”
“When you said you’d give anything to see the sky one last time.”
Matt sighed again. He felt sad that she chose to bring up this moment again, right then. He had mixed feelings about it.
Karen noticed she could in fact hear him lick his lips. She had never noticed before. It removed her from the conversation for a split second. If she was able to hear such things when she just concentrated on it, what was the extent of his perceptions? It made her feel dizzy, far more than looking up at the sky had just done. She forced herself to go back to what Matt was saying - she needed to soothe him. She had not asked to revive the memory of that time he had tried to come clean and she had left.
“What do you want me to say?”
Her asking that then leaving him with no more words made him angry. They had talked about this. What was she reopening old wounds for?
“I’m not trying to make you spill the beans again.” Karen held his hand tighter and found a way to get closer to him. Her heartbeat had spiked,
again
, but there was no lie in there. “Just… I just want to know if you really do.”
Matt sighed again, more slowly now.
“Back then, I… you know why I said it, right? At this moment.”
“I do. Doesn’t mean it’s not at least a little true.” He couldn't be mad at this voice.
Matt smiled, and let his thumb caress Karen’s hand.
“It is. I loved looking at the sky, from rooftops. Maybe you couldn’t see all those stars, but you could see all these colors, and the view of the city from it. Like it’s all yours. I loved that.”
He let go of Karen’s hand, to slide his arm over her shoulders.
Karen smiled, and didn’t try to get out of his hug.
“I did this too. It was always something I loved.”
They both fell silent for a while, and Karen found her head automatically found its place on Matt’s shoulder. This seemed to prompt him to talk again. His voice was lower now they got closer.
“Now, I feel I’ve been missing something. But I don’t know if I’d trade the real thing for what you’ve been making me imagine.”
“Oh so you managed that?”
“Yes. And it’s beautiful. Because everything is colored by your voice.”
Karen huffed, but Matt felt heat rise in her cheeks.
“You don’t have to do this when Foggy isn’t around, you know…”
“But I mean it. Really.”
Karen bit her lips. That was both so corny and so sweet, and so very Matt. She felt like hugging him, kissing him on the spot. But once she’d done that… there was no going back. It was too soon. There were still so many things to discuss. They had balanced a good dynamic, with their friendship, now that everything was out in the open and that Matt was better.
She could jeopardize all of that.
She could hurt so much more… but if she really thought about it, wasn’t she hurting right now?
She glanced at Matt, trying to see the most she could of his face under the starlight. He had that same expression she’d noticed prior, eyes closed, and that smile on his face…
She made her decision. She couldn’t just stay like that. They couldn’t just stay like that.
“I think I’m going to kiss you now.”
Matt sighed.
“I was waiting for you to do so.”
His last syllables were lost under her lips. His hand found her neck, his thumb caressing her throat.
Her lips were so delicious, her skin so soft, and her scent, oh, her scent…
Matt broke their kiss to rest his forehead against Karen's. She was eager for more, never wanting this kiss to end, but she couldn't help but chuckle at Matt's obviously reluctant, panting restraint.
Instead of kissing her once more, he hugged her ; fully, this time, and with a strength that almost caused her to be short of breath. Almost. She gave him back his hug.
"What do you think," he said, almost in a whisper, but she felt each word through her very bones, "that we wait for tomorrow?"
In a better place. Taking their time. That would be good, even if, she couldn't deny it, her whole body and soul screamed for more kisses, for more everything.
She nodded.
The hug lasted. She laid her ear against his chest. She could hear and feel it thumping, steady but fast, excited and afraid, just like she was. But things would be better again.