Chapter Text
Saturday, 16th May
Adam’s phone has been buzzing on the table between them for the past half hour. They’re on the team coach back up from Wembley, most of the lads fast asleep now the adrenaline of winning has started to fade and given way to exhaustion. Aaron had hoped for a little rest too, but Adam’s phone had come to life as soon as the celebrations had died down.
“Vic,” is all Adam offers as an explanation. Aaron smiles.
“What’ve you done this time?”
“Not me, mate. Her brother.”
“Andy?” Aaron frowns. “I thought he was off with Bernice at some lodge.”
“Nah, it’s that Robert innit? Pissed off his ex and now she’s cut everyone out. Vic’s gutted, not that I blame her.” Adam grabs the can in front of him, eyes furrowing as he chugs and then continues. “She’s not even met the kid yet. Not her fault her brother’s a twat. Think she’s threatening to knock some sense into him.”
Aaron was just a few months shy of eighteen when the boy he’d fallen arse over tit for dumped him the day after their anniversary.
It feels like a lifetime ago now, despite the reality being only five years, but the memory still sometimes stabs at him. The knife that won’t stop twisting. He didn’t just lose his first love that night, he lost his best friend. Listened to him as he drove away into the September fog.
Sometimes, he wonders where he’d be if Robert had stayed. Would they still be together? Married, even? Would they have a house in Emmerdale, alongside their families and a holiday home somewhere warm? One thing’s for sure, he wouldn’t be on this coach with an FA Cup winners medal around his neck. His talent and passion for the game made him a household name, but he knows if he were out, that would all be a footnote.
He’d just be Aaron Dingle, that gay footballer.
And Robert, he’s made himself a household name too. One of Yorkshire’s finest acting exports in recent years, Victoria had proudly read to him from her phone after he won his first BAFTA, but he’s also developed a reputation, feeding the gossip columns all the headlines they could dream of.
He’s watched Robert’s career ascend over the years, smiled as Victoria recounted memories of their shared youth. Being surrounded by so much Robert all the time has helped ease the pain, taking most of the edge off the resentment that he’s clung to for years but...
Robert hasn’t returned to the village since the night he left, and the knife in Aaron’s stomach twists for the first time in years, sinking deeper as he dares to imagine Robert standing in front of him again.
Sunday, 17th May
“This one’s on me, lad.” Adam grins as he places the pint down on the table. It sloshes, spilling over the sides, and Aaron laughs despite his cursing as he wipes his phone down his jeans. “For yesterday’s winner.”
“Gaffer would have a fit if he saw how much you’ve necked in the past twelve hours.”
“Good job he ain’t here then, innit? We did the double, mate! Think we’re due some celebrating. Got ages til we start prep for the Euros.”
“But you don’t until this little one finally pops out.” Victoria, just over seven months gone and radiating each time Aaron sees her, smiles as she sits beside Adam with her glass of orange juice. It’s funny really, to watch Adam’s whole demeanour change as his fiancé enters his eye-line. Ever the doting dad already to their little one, his hand immediately settles on her bump and greets them both.
“Mad how quick it’s gone.” Aaron muses. More to himself, but it gets a smile from Victoria.
“Our little good luck charm, getting us the win today,” Adam coos. “If it’s a girl we should call her Success. Or Victory!”
“You should keep football out of naming our baby, that’s what you should do.”
“C’mon babe, little Victory Barton. It’s cute! Tell her it’s cute, Az.”
“Sugden sounds better.” The three of them stop, taking a moment to register the additional voice, before Aaron’s heart trips over its own feet and Victoria squeals as she moves towards her brother. Once Vic detangles herself, she introduces Adam, smiling as the men shake hands. Then she turns to Aaron. “And this one needs no introduction.”
Sometimes, Aaron wonders if Victoria knew the truth about them. She’s never said so explicitly, but there are times when the inflexion to her voice makes him think twice. Pushing the thought to one side, Aaron finally lets his eyes meet Robert’s and smiles.
Robert smiles back, and Aaron feels sixteen again, unprepared for the onslaught of feelings making his head spin. He’d watched plenty of Robert’s shows, forced himself to unlearn the pit in his stomach that used to consume him in those early months whenever he was merely reminded of the older boy. Over the years, he’s listened to Robert’s voice deepen, accent softening and glowed with pride as he’s watched Robert’s confidence and success skyrocket. But here, seeing him in the flesh, he can feel everything unravel.
“I saw your goal yesterday,” Robert eventually breaks into his reverie, still smiling, “congratulations.”
Aaron clears his throat. “Cheers.”
“You want a drink?”
“No, I-” Suddenly, the words are sticking to his throat. Heat creeps up his face, internally cursing the sudden onslaught of nerves. “I should really be heading off. Gotta pick my sister up from school and traffic’s always mad so... maybe another time, yeah? If you’re sticking around?”
Robert nods, but Aaron is out of the pub before he can give him time to respond.
Monday, 18th May
He gets asked a lot why he doesn’t live in the city, with some flash house and a poncey car in the driveway. Everyone’s always surprised when Aaron tells them he likes living in a sleepy Yorkshire village, doesn’t mind the fact he’s away from the lively nights in cities or the fact he shares a flat with his little sister and rents out the other.
Truth be told, the normality of it all is precisely why he still lives here. Most people have known him since he was a sulky teenager, and everyone else just knows him as another Dingle. He can go to the shop, hang out at the pub and jog through the village without being stopped like he would if he lived anywhere else.
The air is still fresh after the day’s rain, and darkness has started to settle over the village when Aaron pulls on his running trainers and heads outside. There’s a freedom to running in the dales, the endless fields and lanes to cut down means even the routine of it all is less stagnant than it would be elsewhere. Tonight, he decides to head towards the pavilion, mentally sets out a few loops around the cricket field before continuing, but all plans are cast out of the window when he catches sight of a lonely figure on the pavilion steps.
Robert, with just a bottle of whiskey at his feet for company.
He moves closer after only a second of deliberation, announcing his presence with a cough. It’s clear, the closer he gets, that Robert’s been here a while. Bottle half empty and eyes looking just as drained, concern blooms within him instinctively.
“You sharing that?” Aaron asks carefully. Robert shrugs. It’s barely a response, but it’s also the first sign of life and recognition he’s seen. Swallowing around his nerves, Aaron nudges at Robert’s thigh with his knee and sits down next to him. Reaching out, Aaron grabs the bottle and takes a swig, pulling a face as it hits the back of his throat but relishing the burn before diving straight into it. “Thought you were laying off the booze.”
Robert shrugs again. “S’what Vic wants to hear.”
The defeat in Robert’s voice only deepens his concern, and Aaron can’t help the way he leans closer, speaking gently. “Rob, what’s going on?”
“Not read the papers?”
“Yeah, but I wanna know the truth. I wanna hear your side.”
“It’s…” Robert hesitates. Aaron watches as his fingers flex, grip at his knees before moving to hug his elbows. Another shrug. “I’m just stressed. Everyone’s askin’ about the baby n’ I’m just…”
“Just?”
“I’m a coward. Ignorin’ her cos I’m scared of bein’ a bad dad.”
“Robert...” Aaron starts, but lets his trepidation carry the sentence away. He takes a moment to consider his words properly before continuing. “You’d be a great dad if you gave yourself a chance. I know you didn’t always get on with Jack but—”
“He made me hate myself.” It comes out like a punch, stops Aaron in his tracks. He waits, watches the process of emotion flicker across Robert’s face until he continues. “Never wanted me to just be me. He wanted a lad like Andy. Didn’t care about me once he realised he’d got his dream son, and I let him, I— I’m so sorry, Aaron. I was such a dick that night and I- I just… I didn’t—”
“Hey, hey, woah. Calm down, it’s fine. It’s in the past.”
Robert shakes his head, forcefully. It seems like whatever he’s been bottling up since that night is finally too much to contain, threatening to burst, uncontrollable in a way Aaron hasn’t known Robert to be.
“No, it’s not. I was all over the place, then… then when dad collapsed I just, I had to leave cos I blamed myself. He did too, and he was right.” Aaron frowns.
“What do you-”
“He knew. About us. Dad found out and, we were arguing about me… liking boys, being in love with you, and then… dad just collapsed. Andy blamed me for making him so stressed and dad... he told me to- to look at what I was doing to the family. All the arguments and fights. I just had to leave, Aaron and I’m so sorry.”
It's then that the dam completely breaks, catches Aaron off-guard, leaves him helpless as he watches the man in front of him shrink in on himself and sob. His arms move instinctively, circling Robert’s shaking frame. Aaron can feel his own anger begin to boil, mind jumping back to when Jack had joined him and Andy at the bar and bought them drinks. Jack had apologised; told him he’d thought Aaron was a good influence on Robert.
He’d offered Aaron work on the farm.
Worse still, Aaron had accepted.
“I stayed for tea sometimes. He helped me, gave me a bit of a job on the farm, drove me to my tryouts when my mum couldn’t...”
Robert scoffs. “Probably because you were still a proper lad, into cars and football. Maybe- maybe if I was more like that he wouldn’t have-”
“Hey.” Aaron slides back, gently grabs Robert’s chin and raises it, waiting until their eyes meet. Robert’s are red, bloodshot and glassy. His heart clenches at the sight. “That was on him. You were just you, and there’s nowt wrong with that, okay? Okay?” He waits for Robert’s nod and can’t help but mirror the small smile that is sent his way. “And I know that you’d make a great dad, if you let yourself. Phone Chrissie, tell her the truth, about the fact you’re scared. Don’t let Jack or anyone else stop you from being that little girl’s dad.” Letting go of Robert’s chin, Aaron sits back for a moment, a few ideas rattling around his head, before grabbing the bottle that still sits at Robert’s feet and standing. “C’mon.”
“Where?” Robert’s frowning but stands anyway.
“You’re gonna come back to mine, sober up, and then we're gonna call Chrissie.”
He doesn’t wait. Instead, Aaron just starts walking. He can hear Robert splutter and call after him, then quick feet behind him until they fall in-step with his own. Neither of them speak until they reach the bridge.
“Where d’you even live?”
“Mill Cottage, one of the flats.”
“Flat?”
“Yeah, bought it a couple years back and split it into two flats. I live with my sister and rent the other one out.” Robert makes a noise, almost a question in itself and Aaron glances over at him. “What?”
Robert shrugs. “Didn’t expect it, that’s all. Didn’t realise you’d found Liv either.”
He’d only spoken about Liv a few times to Robert, usually when they’d been drinking. He was the only one outside of the family that knew the truth about Gordon. The first one. Aaron doesn’t remember much of it, just crying about missing his sister, the guilt he’d felt about running away and leaving her behind.
“Gordon died a couple years back. Only went to the funeral in case Liv was there and she was, but she kicked off about me not helping with money and stuff.” Aaron swallows thickly. He still remembers her face, bright red and wet with tears as she screamed at him. Blamed him. Told him she hated him. “It all came out then, I told my mum the truth ‘n eventually Liv. She came round in the end, but Sandra went off the rails. She were so out of it half the time that Liv were failing school, trying to be her carer, so I let her move in with me.”
Heading back up the inclining hill, Aaron glances across to Robert, only to find him staring back. There’s an odd expression on his face. It makes his steps falter a little before he turns away again and focuses on the path home.
Kicking off his shoes, Aaron heads towards the kitchen to make their coffees, all too aware of Robert’s presence behind him, looking around his home, his life. He watches Robert out of the corner of his eye, picking up one of the many photos dotted around the flat. He recognises the frame of the one in Robert’s hands and smiles as he flicks the kettle on.
“That’s Liv. Took her to see Little Mix last year for her birthday. She were made up.”
“Did you–” Robert starts, then hesitates, eyes flicking in his direction as he takes a breath. Aaron turns and spoons the coffee into the mugs, letting Robert gather his thoughts as he moves towards the fridge before Robert continues. “When she came to live with you. How did you- were you scared? Of the responsibility? Fucking it up?”
Aaron shrugs. “I’m not sure I were scared. It did feel like a lot, though. The pressure of it could’ve easily tipped me over the edge.”
“How did you work it out? Deal with the pressure of it all?”
“I let other people help. Me mum, she’ll come over or let Liv stay at the pub when I’m away. Victoria’s like a sister to her, dealin’ with the awkward conversations.” With ugs in hand, Aaron moves to the living room and places them down on the coffee table. Tucking a leg under himself, Aaron turns to look at Robert. “Guess its easier, cos Liv’s old enough to mostly take care of herself, but I know no matter what they’ll be willing to help.”
He can see the cogs turning in Robert’s mind as he nods, eyes casting over the photo in his hands once more before putting it back and joining Aaron on the couch.
“What do I even say? To Chrissie? Sorry for bein' shit I'm just scared of fucking it up like I do everything else.”
“Maybe not in those words, but basically. I bet Chrissie was scared too when she had her first kid. She'll understand if you’re just honest with her.”
Robert’s wallpaper is a photo of what Aaron assumes to be a tiny, new-born Ellie sleeping soundly in his large hands. He can’t help the way his heart swells at the sight or the way he shifts closer as Robert taps on Chrissie's name.
It’s a tense wait, Robert’s knee bouncing more the longer he listens to the ringing, but eventually, he sits up, and Aaron hears Chrissie's voice on the other end.
“Chrissie, I- can we talk? About Ellie.” Robert sighs. Instinctively, Aaron moves to put his hand on Robert’s knee. He squeezes gently. “I know, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I-I've come home, staying with Victoria for a bit while I sort my head out. I just... I'm scared, Chris. Okay? I'm so scared of fucking up and being a shit dad, and instead of dealing with it, I buried my head. But I do wanna be her dad, and I wanna prove it to you.” He watches Robert smile, smiling himself at the sight. “Thank you, I promise I-I won’t let either of you down this time. I'll see you later then and... say hi to Ellie for me? Ok, bye.”
Aaron grins, squeezing at Robert’s knee again. “Well?”
“She’s coming to Leeds next weekend. Says she’ll bring Ellie and I can see her for a few hours, let Ellie finally meet the family.”
“I told you, didn’t I? C'mere, I'm dead chuffed for you.”
His arms are around Robert before his brain even catches up, smiling as he feels Robert’s hands spread across his back, almost melting into the sensation.
“Missed you, y’know,” Robert whispers, his breath tickling Aaron’s ear.
“Missed you too.”
Tuesday, 16th June
From: Robert (12:10)
Sorry, running late. Be there in ten.
Aaron smiles despite himself.
It’s funny, really, how quickly things had changed in the weeks since Robert’s arrival. Keeping his mum company by propping up the bar and third-wheeling Adam and Vic's baby bliss, to hanging out with Robert, rolling their eyes fondly at the other couple or just talking like no time has passed. Aaron smiles as Robert talks excitedly about his growing bond with Ellie, little quirks she’s developing and the photos of her doing nothing extraordinary for a baby, but world-altering to Robert.
He knows he should take a step back, that sometimes his head and heart run away from him with their dreams of the future. It’s not like he hasn’t tried, he’s kept his distance from Robert when he knows Ellie is in the village, sticking to glancing at them in the park or on a walk together as Aaron jogs past, but he can feel that yearning growing with each passing week.
It’s why, when Robert strolls into the pub with her on his hip, Aaron nearly drops his pint. It’s Tuesday. Ellie’s never in Emmerdale during the week.
“Sorry I'm late, Chrissie was supposed to pick her back up yesterday, but some of her friends are off on a girls holiday, and she asked if I wanted her for the whole week. Had to run into Hotton, didn’t we darling?”
Brushing away his apologies, Aaron looks down at the little girl opposite him, sat on the table and fascinated by the beer mat in her tiny hands. He smiles and meets Robert’s eyes. “I'm proud of you, y'know.”
Robert scoffs. “Give over.”
“No, I mean it. Look at how far you’ve come in just a month. Chrissie leaving her with you is a huge deal.”
“Shame it’s nine months too late.”
Aaron sighs, shaking his head as he shuffles to the edge of his seat and reaches his hand out towards Ellie. Their knees knock together as Ellie grabs at one of his fingers and fires him a gummy grin. “It’s never too late for anything, Rob.”
It's then that something shifts. Robert just stares at him for a moment, then looks down at his glass. It makes Aaron’s stomach drop, an apology for pushing too hard too fast on the tip of his tongue, cut off by Robert. “You wanna go for a drink?”
“Isn’t that what we're going now?”
“I mean, tomorrow night. Go into Leeds or something.”
“Like, like a-” He daren’t say the word. It sticks to his tongue, strange and foreign.
Robert nods, smiles shyly and glances up at him from under his eyelashes. “Never too late, right?”
“Right.” He’s biting his lip as he smiles, unable to stop himself despite being so public with it. The moment is broken when Ellie squeals and crawls across the table towards Aaron. He moves instinctively, picks her up before she can fall off the end and sits her on his lap, letting her paw at his beard as Robert laughs.
They stay like that for the rest of the night. Smiling across at each other, with Ellie in Aaron’s lap until she falls asleep, her little hand gripping at his top.
It all feels utterly and terrifyingly right.
Wednesday, 17th June
He’s been dithering in the toilet for about ten minutes now, staring at his freshly trimmed beard and wondering if he’s used too much aftershave. He knows, logically, that they’re past worrying about little things like how the other looks - they’ve had their tongues up each other’s arses enough times to be past anything like that, but there’s still a flutter in Aaron’s stomach makes him want to impress Robert. Make him feel how he makes Aaron feel. It’s been years since they did this, and a part of Aaron worries Robert will be disappointed. But then, he doesn’t want to try too hard and make Robert think he’s desperate.
Luckily, his panic is cut off by his phone, whistling on his bed where he’d abandoned it before jumping in the shower after his run.
From: Robert (18:02)
Vics ill so can’t look after El for me. Adams staying with her but I feel bad leaving him to look after El too. So sorry! Raincheck? X
His fingers are tapping out a response before his brain has even caught up.
To: Robert (18:02)
Bring her over if you want? El, I mean. X
The regret hits as soon as he presses send, worrying that he sounds too desperate, pushing too hard, but Robert’s response is immediate.
From: Robert (18:03)
I'd like that. See you in 10 :) X
Truth be told, in the whirlwind since Robert’s arrival, Aaron hasn’t given the practicalities much thought. Robert’s struggles have been all the gossip columns can talk about since Ellie was born, even before with his absence through Chrissie's pregnancy. When they find out about Robert seeing her, being her dad, they'll start asking questions about how and why. Then there’s Aaron himself. He’s happy, falling deeper and harder with each passing day, but is he ready to come out? Is Robert? Or will they simply navigate the same secret path they did as teenagers?
He packs those thoughts away as he descends the stairs and heads towards the kitchen to pull out some beers, not wanting to overwhelm either of them before they’ve even given themselves time to just be.
Right on time, the doorbell rings ten minutes later. Aaron’s heart flips when he pulls back the door, Robert smiling and Ellie staring up at him from her carrier, blonde hair scooped up into two little pigtails.
“You sure you don’t mind?” As he steps into the flat, Aaron notices the grip Robert has on Ellie’s carrier, knuckles almost white with force.
“I was the one who suggested this, weren’t I?”
“I know, I just- I didn’t want you to think I was avoiding going out someplace.”
Aaron smiles as he watches Robert lay out a play mat on the floor, all different textures and materials that are clearly designed to keep babies as occupied for as long as possible. The minute she's placed on it, her little hands are reaching out, no longer caring about the adults in the room.
“Might be a bit more chilled here, anyway. Thought we could get a takeaway and stick a movie on or summat?”
“Sounds perfect.”
Aaron watches Ellie as he makes his way back to the sofa, two more bottles in hand and listening to Robert potter around upstairs in the bathroom. She’s watching something on Robert’s phone now, some kind of app for babies. It's sensory, good for her development, Robert had said as he'd passed the device over to her, shapes and colours filling the screen.
Initially, Aaron had laughed, but his heart had filled as Robert kissed her head before standing up and asking where the toilet was. Robert's love for his daughter is clear as day, and only growing as she starts to react to him more, hands reaching out to him when she wants picking up and grinning when he says her name.
“She alright?” Aaron jumps at the voice behind him, nodding as he tilts his head towards the coffee table.
“Weren’t sure if you wanted one too.”
“Another?”
“Can’t handle it anymore, old man?”
He watches Robert’s eyes darken at Aaron’s teasing, a shock tingling through his nerves as their fingers brush when he hands over the bottle, fingers brushing. “Trust me, I can still handle it.”
Perhaps it’s the alcohol in his system, or his mind just working overdrive, but Aaron feels his breath hitch as he swears Robert’s eyes drag over his body, gaze like silk as it flows down, to Aaron’s lap where his grips the bottle and then back upwards. He keeps his eyes on Robert’s the whole time, swallowing hard when he watches them fall on his lips and hover for a moment before finally meeting Aaron’s eyes again. It’s almost hypnotic.
The moment shifts when Ellie squirms, seemingly bored of the device in her hands and finding interest in the mat again. Robert’s eyes soften as he glances at her with a brief quirk of his lips, then returns his attention to Aaron. “Never said thank you, did I?”
“No need.”
“There is, Aaron. You’re just-” Later, Aaron will think back and wonder whether this momentary silence was the moment where something clicked for Robert. But for now, Aaron sits speechless Robert turns completely and places a hand on Aaron’s thigh, squeezing gently. “God, I love you.”
Then, Robert’s lips are on his. He’s sure he lets out a startled noise of some kind, leans into it for a second before pulling back to make sure this is definitely what Robert wants, not sure he could handle him backing away with regret once Aaron allows himself to fall into the moment entirely. Robert waits, one hand still on Aaron’s thigh and the other now around the back of Aaron’s neck, and only smiles when Aaron edges closer again.
Kissing Robert was always addictive, they spent hours doing nothing else sometimes. The way Robert would pull back, looking completely wrecked, hair askew after falling victim to Aaron’s fingers and lips a kiss-bitten red. It was the most alive Aaron had ever felt.
Turns out, it wasn’t just teenage hormones. Aaron’s fingers immediately find their home again in those soft blonde strands he used to dream about, tugging moans from the back of his throat and making Robert pliable enough to move however Aaron pleased. Curling tongues, biting teeth, Aaron loses all his senses to the kiss, everything else fading into the background until–
Ellie lets herself be heard with a whimper. They both jerk backwards, panting as they look towards the floor and find Ellie staring at them, little fists rubbing at her eyes and tired tears clearly building. With the attention finally on her, she crawls towards them, grabbing at the hem of Robert’s jeans until he picks her up.
“Hey, baby, sorry. You’re ready for bed, aren’t you?” She instantly buries her head into Robert’s chest, and Aaron doesn’t bother holding back when he moves his hand to smooth over the blonde hair she’s inherited from her dad. Robert sighs and tilts his head towards Aaron. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be daft, you get her home and to bed.”
“To be continued?”
Aaron laughs, nodding as he moves to fold up Ellie’s playmat. “To be continued.”
He follows them to the door, smiling as Ellie turns her head to glance at him with tired eyes. He smooths his hand over her head again and steps closer to press a kiss to her forehead with a gentle, “night, Ellie.” Then stands himself upright. Robert’s staring at him in a way he’s never seen before. Heat travels up the back of his neck as he laughs awkwardly. “What?”
“Nothing,” Robert smiles, adjusting Ellie slightly in his arm before tugging at Aaron’s shirt. Aaron goes with the movement, steps closer until there’s no space between them and melts into the kiss he receives. “I’ll see you later.”
"Yeah, see you."
Friday, 19th June
The words have been on a loop in his head since Wednesday. God, I love you. God, I love you. He just can’t shake it off. Part of him feels like he’s on cloud nine, joy almost uncontainable. But another part of him, the older, battered, bruised and used part of him, is sceptical. Scared of believing it.
After all, they’ve barely been back in each other’s lives for two minutes, and Aaron isn’t even sure where they stand after their kiss.
The sound of his phone draws his mind away and immediately feels his lips stretching into a smile.
From: Robert
Can’t stop thinking about the other night. X
To: Robert
Me neither. Wanna meet up for lunch? X
From: Robert
Give me a time and a place. I'll be there. X
“What're you smiling about?” Startled by the sound of Liv behind him, Aaron drops his phone onto the couch beside him and shrugs. He’d aimed for nonchalance but judging by the expression on his little sister’s face, he knows he’s failed miserably. Still, he keeps up his indifference.
“Just something Rob said.”
“Adam been dumped for your new bezzie?”
He can’t help but grimace, ignoring the way Liv laughs at him. “Adam’s busy with Vic and getting ready for the baby. Me and Rob were mates way before I'd even met Ads. Back when both of us were nightmares.”
“Most people reckon Robert’s still a nightmare.”
“He's not.” His defence of Robert flies straight to the surface, immediately out of his mouth. He sees Liv's eyebrows raise at his quick response, but can’t bring himself to care too much. “He’s... yeah, he’s not perfect, but he’s been through some stuff, and he's sorting himself out now. He’s not what the papers have him as.”
“Oh, I know. He seems pretty cool. I were in the pub yesterday, stressing over my maths homework and he must’ve heard, came over and helped me out.”
His heart soars at the thought of Robert going over and helping Liv, of his own accord and not even mentioning it to Aaron. Soars higher than he ever thought possible as Liv continues to speak, giving her approval of Robert as a decent bloke.
As he walks into the pub, Aaron smiles, glancing across to the booth tucked away in the corner and spotting Robert waiting for him, a pint either side of the table. It’s so easy to imagine their future when it’s like this. Just the two of them meeting for lunch, nobody batting an eyelid as Robert’s face breaks into a smile brighter than the sun.
God, I love you.
God, I love you.
“Alright?” Robert grins. He nods towards the pints on the table. “Assumed you’d want one.”
“Ta, I’ll get the next one. You alright?”
“I am now you’re here.”
“Shut up.” He scoffs, the heat he feels spread across his cheeks and the soft smile he can’t hold back betray him. “You ordered?”
“No, wasn’t sure what you fancied. Apart from me, obviously.”
“You’re relentless today.”
There’s a quip on Robert’s tongue, he can practically see it as his eyes shine and his mouth opens, but Marlon, mercifully, saves Aaron any more blushes. Not that Marlon’s presence stops Robert’s lack of inhibitions. Aaron can feel Robert’s gaze on him, skin pricking under the weight of it and their knees repeatedly knocking under the table. There’s a childishness to Robert tonight, and Aaron can feel himself getting giddy.
With Marlon walking away, muttering under his breath about their lack of appreciation for his specials yet again, Aaron diverts his attention back to the opposite side of the table.
“What’s got you in such a good mood?”
Robert laughs, shrugging as he sips at his pint. “Been a good week.”
God, I love you.
God, I love you.
“Yeah.” Aaron agrees, shyly. Glancing up at Robert, fingers tracing patterns in the condensation on his pint glass, he drops his voice. “Did you mean it? Y’know, when you said you love me?”
He half expects Robert to bolt. There’s a part of Aaron that becomes acutely aware of their surroundings as soon as the words pass his lips. But instead, Robert just smiles, folds his arms on the table and leans closer. “I never stopped.” He shrugs, as if Aaron isn’t left breathless at the admission. “I loved Chrissie, yeah, but nothing ever compared. Nothing ever came close. You’re it for me. I’ve known that since I was eighteen. And I don’t expect you to respond, I know I hurt you before and we don’t know what this is but-”
“I love you too.”
He remembers Robert taking months to gather the nerve the first time, a whole two months after Aaron's first tearful declaration. But this time, it seemed to flow out so naturally. None of the stop-start hesitation or doubt. Just complete confidence in his feelings.
Robert's smile is blinding, eyes creasing at the corners as the words finally seem to hit him.
“Yeah?”
“Always have, and I want us to give this a proper go, see what happens.”
He watches Robert glance around the pub before leaning even closer. “Does that make us boyfriends?”
That giddiness within him is hard to contain, his own smile bursting into a grin as Robert’s does the same. Knees still knocking together under the table, Aaron reaches out with a loose fist, pushing it against Robert’s hands where they’re curled around his pint and quickly tracing the back of one of the hands with his index finger before pulling back. It’s daft, really. He feels like a kid at school trying to sneak messages across the classroom without anyone else noticing, but as he settles back into his seat and watches Marlon wander over with their food, Aaron feels breathless. Heart racing. Elated.
“Guess it does.” Aaron agrees before turning to thank Marlon. When he looks back at Robert, he knows that he isn’t the only one affected by the thrill of it all.
Sunday, 28th June
From: Robert
Scale of 1-10, how mad would you be if I murdered Adam?
To: Robert
A solid 8.
From: Robert
I can work with that.
To: Robert
What’s he done this time?
If you tell me he’s nicked your posh shower gel again, I’ll kill you.
From: Robert
That stuff cost 30 quid, Aaron!
He used half the bottle like it was nothing!
You should be on my side 🙁
To: Robert
You shouldn’t be looking at other blokes naked, but here we are
From: Robert
WHAT!?
Oh, right. Adam told you then.
To: Robert
About you walking in on him in the shower? Yeah
From: Robert
Think that was the last straw
90% certain they both want rid of me
To: Robert
Only 90%? 😉
But yeah, Adam mentioned wanting to turn the spare into the nursery
You thinking about leaving then?
From: Robert
I have a bit.
I need to sort my life out. Can’t live with my little sister forever
Started looking at a few flats in Leeds
To: Robert
Or you could move into the spare room at mine
Put a cot up in there for Ellie and tell everyone you’re sleeping there.
Sneak into my room when Liv’s gone to bed.
From: Robert
What, like a couple teenagers?
Joking. Kinda. I’ll think about it if that’s alright?
Everything’s going so well with us. I don’t wanna rush into anything and ruin that.
To: Robert
I get it. No time limit on it is there?
I do miss waking up next to you though x
From: Robert
Me too x
Thursday, 2nd July
Wiping the back of his hand along his brow, Aaron steps back with an accomplished smile. He never thought himself much of a DIY-er. Sure, he knows his way around under the hood of a car. But flatpack furniture? He’s always paid extra to have the delivery men put it all up for him.
This, though. This was something Aaron desperately wanted to do himself.
He’d considered painting the cot he’d bought for Ellie, looked at the yellow shades in Wilkos that matched the travel cot she’s been sleeping in on her visits to the village, but in the end, the oak felt right. Homely. Matching the rest of the furniture in the room rather than standing out as an addition.
It looks like it belongs.
Smile still on his face, Aaron heads downstairs.
“I’m pulling myself together, that’s what.” Aaron overhears Robert stress. He quietly steps down to the bottom of the steps, finding Robert in the kitchen. He’s leaning back against the counter, bridge of his nose pinched between his fingertips. “He’s hardly a stranger, we’ve been friends since we were kids and he's already got Chrissie’s approval.”
Aaron can’t help but smile at the memory. Returning home from training, he’d found Robert grinning in the kitchen.
“You’re looking chuffed with yourself.” He’d joked as he dropped his bag and toed off his trainers. A gurgle from the table had caught his attention then, Ellie sat in her highchair, with more spaghetti hoops on her face and fingers than she's probably actually eaten. Making his way across, Aaron had cooed. “What’s got your daddy so happy, eh? Normally he'd be freaking out about your spaghetti explosion.”
“Chrissie likes you.” That had been the last thing Aaron expected, his face must have shown his surprise as much as Robert slid closer. Before he knew it, Robert’s arms were around his waist, pulling him closer. “She said she's glad I have someone like you in my life. Apparently, she’d forgotten her purse in the cafe after dropping Ellie off last week. Saw us with her in the park. You’ve officially got her approval.”
He stays where he is until Robert hangs up with a huff, turns around and startles. “You heard all that I’m guessing?”
“You fightin’ my corner?” Aaron smirks. “Yeah.”
“Clive’s half agent, half nagging mother,” Robert mutters with a roll of his eyes, reaching out until he’s got a fistful of Aaron’s jumper. Aaron lets himself fall into the waiting embrace, looping his arms around the back of Robert’s neck and kissing him softly. They jump apart when Liv’s voice floats in from outside, shouting something to who Aaron assumes to be Gabby as they part ways from school.
Taking Robert’s hand in his own, Aaron tugs him towards the stairs. “C’mon. I’ve finished Ellie’s room.”
Friday, 17th July
Robert’s Rehab Retreat?
Celebrity Editor, Kerry Wyatt
Two months ago, Robert Sugden was part of the furniture in London’s most famous nightclubs. We last saw him partying with Rebecca White, the younger sister of Robert’s ex-girlfriend, Chrissie. The two of them drinking until the sun came up, and Robert locking lips with half the bar. It was the next day that Chrissie came out on Twitter to publicly blast him, claiming her philanthropist ex hadn’t even bothered to meet the beautiful baby girl they’d brought into the world, and stating now, he never would. Since then, things have been quiet.
Mr Clive Howard, Robert Sugden’s agent and spokesperson, stated his client was “taking some time away from the spotlight” in the wake of the latest drama to befall the star, and even Ms White is refusing to comment further on the situation with her ex and their child. The silence has led many to speculate, the most popular theory being a trip to rehab–
Aaron snorts.
He’s got Robert’s head on his bare chest, an arm around his waist and legs their intertwined. Aaron instinctively brings his free hand up to the back of Robert’s neck as he shifts, thumbing through the fine hairs at the nape. He smiles as Robert hums, the sound of him waking in the mornings familiar now after all these weeks.
“Wha's funny?”
“Apparently you’re in rehab.”
“Mm. The nurse is kinda fit.”
“Kinda?”
Robert laughs, turning his head slightly to press a kiss to Aaron’s chest. “Very fit, then. Great shag ‘n all. I really scored.”
Aaron just rolls his eyes. “I can see that headline now.”
The words are out before he really thinks about it. Aaron feels Robert stiffen against him, and his own heart stops for a second as the room grows tenser, colder. Back-tracking is an option, playing it off as a joke and trying to shuffle the conversation along, but truth be told, Aaron wants them to talk about it. They ducked and dived avoiding the subject when they were teenagers, and there’s a bubbling paranoia within Aaron’s chest that history is only going to repeat itself if they avoid it any longer.
The silence stretches out over them until Robert finally shifts, curls himself impossibly closer to Aaron and gently strokes his thumb across Aaron’s skin in a seemingly absentminded movement. “You ever think about that?”
“Coming out?” Aaron asks, waiting for Robert’s nod. “Sometimes. I think about telling my mum and Liv a lot, coming out after the Euros and going on holiday with them. I know they’d be fine, it’s just, still terrifying. Everything’d change.” He takes a breath, smooths his hand down Robert’s back before continuing. “I’d do it for you, though. For our future. Football won’t last forever.”
“I don’t think I’m ready. I want to, I just–”
“Hey, Rob, look at me.” Aaron waits until Robert pulls back and props himself up on his forearm, hovering over Aaron. The fear is clear as day in his eyes, and it makes Aaron’s heart shatter a little, cursing Jack Sugden and the rest of society for the damage caused to both of them, for making them fear their hearts. “I won’t push you, okay? I love you, and I’m happy to wait until we’re both ready, however long that takes.”
Robert nods, a considering look in his eyes that make Aaron wait, remain in the moment a little longer. “You can tell your mum and Liv if you want. Maybe- maybe once they know, it’ll make it a little easier.”
“Robert, you don’t have to-” He’s silenced by a gentle but confident kiss.
“I want you to tell them. Much as I enjoy sneaking about, I wanna be able to kiss you goodbye on a morning.” He watches, proud, as Robert’s confidence in the matter grows until he's nodding, bringing his hand up to Aaron’s cheek. “Invite them for tea tonight, if you want. I'll cook.”
“Okay. I'll give my mum a bell later, but first-” Aaron rolls them over, dipping to kiss Robert, who responds immediately. He loses his initial train of thought around the same time Robert deepens the kiss.
The way Robert’s flapping around the kitchen, you'd think the Queen were coming for tea.
“I wanna make a good impression, Aaron.” Robert had said when Aaron questioned his perfectionism, all but pushing him out of the way to get to the bubbling pans. He decided not to mention that it isn’t really an impression if they’ve known you for years already. After all, Aaron had dithered around the bathroom with his own needs to impress just a few weeks ago.
Robert’s made lasagne, one of Sarah’s recipes, apparently. Aaron had melted a little when Robert had admitted he wanted her to be a part of this, had asked so quietly and unsurely whether Aaron would go to her grave with him and allow Robert the same introduction.
Robert’s just pulling the garlic bread out of the oven when the doorbell rings, his mum’s voice floating down the corridor before the door swings open. She’s smiling, clearly in a good mood as she presses a red-lipped kiss to his cheek, even pulling Robert into a hug.
“This smells nice, boys. What’re we having?”
“Rob made lasagne.” He says it with a smile, knowing it's his mum's favourite. She tells Roberts as much, and Aaron watches her face as Robert quietly tells her it was his favourite recipe of Sarah’s.
“Well, I'm sure you'll do your mum proud.”
With a soft hand against Robert’s arm, Aaron moves towards the stairs shouting up at Liv. He shouts twice, then threatens to turn the wi-fi off.
“Doesn’t matter, Aaron.” He hears Robert from the kitchen. “Your mum's here.”
“It does, Rob. I need her to be here for this too.”
“What’s the big occasion?” Even with his back turned, Aaron can hear the frown in his mum’s voice. It makes him sigh, turn on his heel in defeat. Typically, that’s when Liv decides to listen to him, feet clattering down the metal stairs with a grimace.
“You’re bein' right weird today. Proper narky, the two of ya.”
Even when they sit, food plated up and his mum complimenting Robert's wine choice, Liv is badgering on about how ‘weird’ it is for Aaron to invite his mum over while Robert cooks. He keeps glancing over, watching Robert's shoulders draw higher as he grows quieter, until eventually, Aaron puts his fork down.
“Alright, look, the thing is...” The words catch, lodge in his throat. Both Liv and his mum are staring at him, and Aaron for a second considers backing out, until there’s a hand on his thigh under the table, fingers strong and sure as they curl. He takes a deep breath. “I- I'm gay.”
He’d almost anticipated the shocked silence, but after a moment or two, it threatens to become unbearable. Liv is just staring at him while his mum is on the verge of tears.
“Oh, love.” His mum finally breaks the silence, flies around the other side of the table before he can blink, gathering him into her arms. “I love you, and I'm so proud of you.”
Pulling back, Aaron smiles, vision watery. He glances to Robert, who nods at him with his own smile. “I'm actually seeing someone. Me and Rob, we're- we're together.”
“Oh! Blimey, I didn’t see that one.” She’s looking over at Robert now, and Aaron sees the cogs turning in her mind. “So are you-”
“I’m not gay. I’m uh, bisexual.”
Aaron can’t help but roll his eyes as his mum, dramatic as ever, forgets about him as she gasps and rushes towards Robert. “You c'mere an' all. I'm proud of the pair of yous!”
“So,” Liv drags it out, a conspiratorial smirk on her fave. “Is this why you were so keen about him moving in? You fancied him?”
“Your brother’s fancied me since he was your age.” Aaron laughs, shaking his head as Robert looks back at him with a wink. “Not that I blame him.”
“Think you forget who made the first move, here.”
It’s a relief, a weight lifted from his chest as they finish eating, Liv teasing him for the way he’s looking at Robert when he tells the tale of their first relationship. His mum hasn’t stopped smiling, and by the time she leaves, he notices Robert standing taller than he’s seen him for a long time, shoulders relaxed in a way they only ever were in the privacy of a room. Aaron feels his own shoulders relax, smiling freely and not shying away from her cooing.
That night in bed, with Aaron’s head on Robert’s chest, trying not to shiver as fingers ghost up and down his back, he lets the moment sink in.
As if telepathic, Robert speaks. “Went well, didn’t it?”
“Yeah, I'm glad. Are you?”
“Am I what?”
“Glad we told them about us.”
“Of course. It- it's nice. Knowing we don’t have to sneak around in the house.” He braces himself as Robert takes a deep, stuttering breath. “Makes me think maybe we can do this. Come out, be together, have a future.”
Aaron smiles at the thought of it, a future with the only person he’s ever truly loved. Images of what could be parading through his mind’s eye. “Me too.”
Tuesday, 21st July
It had all come out of nowhere, really. He and Robert were in the pub, just a regular Tuesday night, watching Vic and Adam at the other side of the table bicker about the pros and cons of baby names. She’s a week overdue now, and apparently, that means they’re taking her in to be induced next weekend.
It’s mad to think about.
Aaron had just said as much when his mum had pottered over, grinning with two pints in her hand in a way that instantly made Aaron worry.
“How do you fancy doing your old mum a favour?”
“Depends on what kind of favour.”
“Well, you know how Paddy and Marlon decided they were going to restore the old pavilion?” Aaron had nodded, an inkling of the conversation’s direction already settling in his mind. “Well, Paddy put his back out, and Marlon’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot really. So, I was wondering whether you boys would step in?”
So, that’s how Aaron finds himself with a paint-roller in his hand and barely enough light to see what colour they’re actually slapping onto the walls. He assumes it’s some variation of cream, but wouldn’t like to guess. The tinny murmur of the radio has kept them company for most of the morning, Aaron unable to stop himself from smiling whenever Robert starts to hum along.
He’s so lost in his own mind that he doesn’t notice the humming stop until he hears Robert’s voice.
“What’re you smiling at?”
Aaron tries to focus on the roller in front of him as he feels the heat of embarrassment travel up the back of his neck, but the feeling of something wet and cold landing on his cheek startles him. He lifts his hand and turns to Robert with wide eyes when he pulls it away to find paint on his fingers.
“You really wanna start that game?”
“Tell me what you were smiling at,” another flick of Robert’s roller, this time hitting his nose and chin, “and I’ll stop.”
Instead of coming clean, admitting he was having visions of them painting their own house one day, maybe even a permanent room for Ellie, Aaron reaches down with his roller. He watches Robert’s eyes widen too, hands coming up in surrender, but its too late. He draws his hand back before watching the paint spray fly towards Robert.
Grinning, Aaron lifts his chin. “Make me.”
“Alright! Alright, you win!” Roller still armed and ready in his hand, Aaron watches as Robert puts his roller back down onto the paint tray. He can only imagine how they must both look, standing in the middle of the pavilion with almost as much paint on themselves as is on the walls around them. Glancing down sadly at his shirt, Robert tugs at the hem. “Ruined my t-shirt.”
“Take it off, then.” He hates it, the way his body automatically reacts at the thought alone. Aaron feels his feet carry him forward, the heated look in Robert’s eyes smouldering the closer he gets until they’re standing toe-to-toe. Robert’s hands remain on the hem, and Aaron can’t help but cover them with his own, encouraging Robert to discard the shirt as Aaron focuses on smoothing his hands across the pale skin, from the buckle on his belt up to the constellation of freckles across his chest.
He dives in, unable to resist the pull any longer, and Robert responds in earnest with his hand curling around the back of Aaron’s neck. He’s panting when Robert moves, sucking kisses along Aaron’s jaw, biting at his earlobe and then latching onto his neck. He feels sixteen again. A familiar feeling as of late. Copping off in the pavilion because their homes are too busy and families too nosey to get away with a heated snog at the best of times.
Before long, Robert’s got one hand down the back of his jeans, the other under his t-shirt and spread across his shoulders. Aaron starts to press his hips against Robert’s as they hear footsteps on the decking outside.
It’s a scramble from then, Aaron mourning the loss of Robert’s warmth and sitting on the plastic-wrapped sofa in the hope of hiding his growing arousal, and Robert trying to find exactly where he’d chucked his t-shirt.
When the door opens, it’s not a man he recognises. Dressed in a suit and wearing a frown, the man casts a glance at Aaron, then over at Robert.
“The landlady in the pub told me you’d be here. I was hoping she was lying.”
“Clive, what—”
“You’re late, so I’ve come to pick you up.”
“Pick me up?” Aaron watches Robert’s face as it changes, drifts from confusion to recollection. “Shit, I completely forgot! Let me- let me nip home and I’ll get my bag sorted.”
“What’s this?”
Clive’s frown deepens. The look he gives Aaron as he registers his presence again sets him on edge, but he shelves it. Picking a fight with your boyfriend’s agent isn’t the best first impression. Robert must see something on both of their faces as he jumps in.
“Sorry. Clive, this is Aaron. I told you I’m living with him at the moment. He’s friends with Vic and Adam. Aaron, this is Clive, my agent.”
“Nice to finally meet ya,” Aaron tries at least, “Robert’s mentioned you before.”
“Can’t say the same about you.” Seemingly dismissed, Clive turns back to Robert. “I’m parked in the pub’s car park; I expect you there in half an hour.”
They both watch him leave, Aaron barely able to stop his lip from curling in disdain and Robert left looking like a scolded schoolboy.
“What was that about?”
Robert finally drags his eyes away from the open door, over to Aaron with a face full of apologies. It softens him. Not his fault his agent’s a twat. Doesn’t matter either, he supposes, so long as he’s good at his job.
“Remember that new show I mentioned? Producers organised a weekend with the cast and crew in Leeds, pre-production bonding or something daft. I completely forgot, though.”
“Get yourself sorted and off then.”
“You don’t mind?”
“Don’t—Rob, this is your job. I have to go off to camps and stuff, this is no different.” Stepping closer and smoothing his hands over Robert’s shoulders, Aaron kisses him gently. Once, twice, three times before pulling back with a smile. “I’ll still be here. It’s only two nights in Leeds. I’m sure we can cope.”
Sunday, 26th July
“What time’s Rob home?” Liv asks. She’s got a gob full of toast and a smudge of jam on her cheek that Aaron hasn’t mentioned. Robert bemoans them when they eat, calls them both scruffs, but Aaron’s never felt fonder. The feeling akin to watching Ellie get food all over her face and his heart doubling in size.
Welcome to parenthood, sweetheart his mum had beamed when he’d mentioned it the other week.
Shrugging, Aaron sips at his coffee. “Dunno. I texted him last night, and he said he’s got a train booked at 10 but might get an earlier one.”
“You’ve missed him, ‘aven’t ya?”
“Don’t be soft.” Aaron scoffs. “It’s only been two nights.”
“You’re all loved-up and domestic.” Liv rests her chin on her fists, fluttering her eyelashes at him as she teases. “Can’t bear to spend a single night away from each other.”
He rolls his eyes, leans across to shove at her hands as he collects their plates and takes them to the sink. As he turns, though, he feels the heat blister across his cheeks because it’s true, isn’t it? He’s all loved-up and domestic. Aaron would’ve scoffed at even the thought of him being described as such just a few months ago, but here he is. Bickering over breakfast with his little sister, baby bottles on the kitchen counter and waiting for his boyfriend to arrive him. It was always a daft concept, domestic bliss, one that he always assumed wasn’t created with someone like Aaron in mind.
But sitting at the table in his kitchen, he can imagine it all for years to come.
“I am glad, though.” Liv continues, shaking him from his thoughts. “Y’know, that you’re happy. That you have Rob.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. It’s why I’m off out with Gabby, won’t be back till this afternoon. Figured I’d let you two be all disgusting.”
Aaron tuts and twists the tea towel in his hands before whipping it towards her. She jumps from the seat with a squeak, a sound he knows he isn’t going to let her live down and a quick, say hiya to Rob for me, thrown over her shoulder before disappearing through the door.
10:30, the clock above the fireplace reads as he stares blearily, blinking away the haze of sleep. Aaron frowns. He can’t remember falling asleep, doesn’t even remember feeling that tired. The last thing he remembers is gently guiding Robert’s head to his lap, fingers instinctively moving to card through his hair, momentarily mesmerised by the golden shine he’d missed waking up beside.
Stretching in his seat, Aaron twists and cranes his head until he finds Robert, standing at the sink, hands braced on the edge of the counter and the coffee machine in the corner whirring away. Aaron’s heart swells at the sight, at the knowledge that this is his life now. This is his reality. Falling asleep on the sofa together, making coffees in a set of Dunelm mugs that they’d bought together.
Robert had arrived home about nine, looking dishevelled and travel-weary, but with a soft smile exclusive to Aaron that often feels so undeserving of. Small greetings followed, neither of them taking a step closer to each other until Aaron laughed, shaking his head at how daft the whole moment felt and closing the gap between them.
Only, there was something not quite right as Aaron wrapped his arms around Robert, a strange feeling that settled in his stomach as he tucked his face into the crook of Robert’s neck and murmured a gentle missed you against his skin. Robert had taken a moment longer than usual to reciprocate. Hands almost tentative as they’d fallen on Aaron’s hips.
Aaron had pulled back with a frown. “You alright?”
“Yeah,” Robert nodded. The ghost of a smile toyed at his lips before he brought his hand up to Aaron’s face and cupped his cheek. “Just tired, that’s all.”
“Too old for this hangover lark, eh?”
Finally, Aaron had seen a spark of life in Robert’s eyes again as he’d laughed with a shake of his head. “Cheeky Sod.” Robert had whispered before he’d dipped his head, nudged his nose against Aaron’s and kissed him.
They’d only parted when Aaron tried to deepen the kiss, using his hold on Robert’s jacket to pull him closer, tilting his head. Pleased, Aaron had hummed when Robert followed his lead, allowing Aaron to lick into his mouth and manoeuvre him backwards. That’s when Robert had pulled back, almost as if his back connecting with the door had brought him back from whatever malleable state he’d slipped into.
With a soft smile, Robert had put his hands over Aaron's on his belt. Aaron might have pouted, must have pulled some kind of face to elicit a slight chuckle from Robert. “Not right now. I'm knackered.”
“Ok.” Aaron had nodded. He took a breath and stepped back as he glanced up at Robert. It was then he finally noticed the redness to Roberts's eyes, the world-weary slouch to his shoulders. “Ok, that’s fine. Wanna cuppa?”
That was how Aaron ended up on the sofa. They both had. Two mugs in his hands, Aaron had returned to the living room, pausing briefly to frown at Robert, elbows resting on his knees and looking deep in thought. He'd shaken it off as tiredness and moved closer, leaving the mugs on the coffee table and flopping back beside Robert. After another considering glance, Aaron had sighed.
“C'mere, Rob.”
“Hm?” Robert blinked. Once, twice and then again as he turned his head to Aaron.
Aaron reached up to Robert’s head, smiling as his boyfriend’s eyes fluttered as Aaron began running his hands through his hair, gently scratching at his scalp. “You need to sleep,” was all Aaron said. He'd used his purchase on Robert’s head to gently guide him down, nodding when Robert had glanced at him questioningly.
He remembers watching Sky Sports News as he felt Robert’s body fall slack, tension evaporating as his breathing evened out. It’d made Aaron smile, closing his eyes to the warmth of love and contentment that flooded him.
With Robert still staring out of the window, seemingly lost in a world of his own, Aaron can feel the soft smile returning to his face. He stands, tugging the sleeves of his hoodie over his knuckles as he pads across the wooden floor, feet leading him into the kitchen and to his boyfriend.
“Morning,” Aaron murmurs as he slides his hands around Robert’s hips and clasping his hands together on the flat planes of Robert’s stomach. He immediately feels Robert tense, then recoil as Aaron kisses the back of his neck.
“Don’t, Aaron.”
“Don’t what?” Tracking back through his mind, Aaron struggles to find any reasoning behind Robert’s dismissal. Hands smoothing circles across Robert’s back, Aaron frowns. “Rob, what’s up?”
“You!” There’s a ferocity to Robert’s voice as he shouts and turns around. He’s seen Robert tired, eyes unfocused and grouchy to the point of them bickering but the eyes Aaron finds himself looking into are unfamiliar. Detached and resigned. Cold. “You’re what’s up. I can’t… I’m done, Aaron. It’s over.”
Aaron feels himself taking a step back, mind scrambling and tripping over itself in confusion.
“You- what? What do you—”
“I’ve been thinking about it, a lot, and I’m not sure I want this anymore. Us, me being with you.”
“Where’s this coming from?” Nothing makes sense. He thinks back to mere hours ago, soft kisses and curling up on the sofa together. Or even last night, the I love you’s and I miss you’s. No signs Robert was having second thoughts, that this wasn’t something they both wanted anymore. Unless… “Does someone know? It that- has someone said something?”
Robert shakes his head, tilts his head, eyes on the table behind Aaron. Turning slowly, Aaron’s frown deepens at the sight of paper. Typed, lots of wording printed. Almost like a contract. “It’s an NDA. I had my lawyer draw one up.”
A non-disclosure agreement. A silencing.
Aaron reaches out, turning away from Robert completely to look over the paper in front of him. With each word, he feels the anger within him strengthen, another drop of fuel on the fire.
“This is some kind of sick joke, right?” Aaron turns on his heel to face Robert again. “It has to be because none of this makes any sense!”
Robert shrugs, his face unchanging. Emotionless. “Not my issue.”
“You were telling me you missed me last night! That you love me!”
“I was advised not to tell you. I’m sorry, but I am thankful for all your help.”
For all your help.
Like ten-tonnes of heartbreak, Robert's words slam into him all at once in their cold, detached, and business-like glory. Aaron feels himself stagger back again as he comes to the realisation. “You used me. You’ve- you’ve been using me this whole time. Not only me; you used my mum and Liv too!” Aaron scoffs. “Lying to your own daughter, letting her get to know us when all along… all along you knew you’d be uprooting her later down the line. She’s not even one yet, and you’re already wrecking her life. Apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?”
Robert’s stoic face crumbles in front of him as soon as the words leave his mouth. It’s a low blow, and there’s a part of Aaron that immediately wants to reach out and apologise, but he holds himself back, stands firm. Crumbling the paper in his fist, Aaron throws the NDA back in Robert’s face. A sick satisfaction filling him as it bounces, Robert’s eyes staying closed as it falls to the floor.
“I want you gone by the time I get back.”
It takes all his strength to not look back as he leaves, grabbing his wallet and keys without any real plan and trying think about whether Robert is watching him go.
It’s quiet when he gets back, kicking off his trainers aimlessly, listening as they thump against the floor. There was a part of him that had hoped he’d return to Robert waiting, sitting stubbornly on the sofa and refusing to leave without a fight. That part of him crumbles a little at the empty coat hook, the absence of books on the table and the empty space where a selfie of them as teens once sat. The photo Robert had sheepishly admitted to keeping this whole time.
The other part of him is glad because truth be told, he isn’t sure he wouldn’t crumble and let Robert make a fool of him all over him again.
In the two hours since he walked out, he’s paced around a gym, hopping from one machine to the next, trying desperately to rid himself of the barrage of emotions he is simmering with. Running until his body can’t think about his pain, throwing punches at punch bags before the anger can swallow him whole. Ascending the stairs, Aaron focuses on the shower, trying not to think too far ahead to the days and nights he now faces without the man he was so sure would be beside him forever. The two of them, Liv and Ellie. The family Aaron had started dreaming of.
He only allows himself to think about the future when he’s on the bed, hair still wet from his shower and eyes focused on the phone in his hands.
Delete contact?
It feels monumental, more than just the sudden wave of anger that had washed over Aaron minutes prior with a voice in his head telling him to delete everything to do with Robert. Aaron tries not to live with regrets. He doesn’t regret giving Robert another chance. It’s been nice, to feel loved, curl up with someone and feel those butterflies everyone bangs on about.
But, the thing is, Aaron knows so long as he’s hiding his true self away, he’ll never be able to love and be loved the way he wants. Can’t go on holiday, can’t go out for drinks, can’t post those treasured moments with his family to social media the same way everyone else can.
And that's what Robert's NDA was written for. A means to silence Aaron, to hide their relationship away, to force him to lie about how he feels and who he loves.
It’s why, as he backs out of the question and opens his Instagram with determination, Aaron can feel the bundle of nerves within his stomach snowballing. In part fear, but mostly anticipation at the thought of no more hiding. Just Aaron, take him or leave him.
@aarondingle: wearing the @stonewalluk rainbow laces last season, and proudly wearing the captain’s armband. i think i'm ready to admit its a cause close to my heart for one huge reason. i'm gay. simple as that. doesn’t change me as a player or a person, i won’t suddenly be running about covered in rainbows or dancing on tables. i just want it out there now cos i'm tired of hiding. i'm sure there'll be some twats in the comments, but trust me, none of them will be worse than the ones i've thought myself while accepting this.
Silencing his phone and turning it face-down on the bedside table, Aaron slides down from his position against the headboard and curls up on the sheets, his exhaustion not caring for the fact its barely lunchtime.
It's surprising, really. He’d always imagined a sense of regret in the moments after coming out, but there’s none.
Just the first taste of freedom.