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I feel like shit. Kevins done so much for me the past two weeks, he’s really been my rock. Therapy has been helping. This is not the reason I feel like shit. I feel like shit for yelling at my best friend while he’s in the hospital after he almost fucking died. I’m the one that’s supposed to understand him, be there for him, but he hid it from me. Well. I guess I did the same thing to him. Kinda. I didn’t tell him about thinking about getting with Mingyu. I knew he’d stop me. I should’ve let him stop me. Then he wouldn’t be hurt. And it turn our friends wouldn’t have been hurt. Frick. I wish I could apologize to everyone. Especially Chanhee, Chris, and Kevin. Why Kevin, you ask? He’s been nothing but nice since I met him and I’ve done nothing to deserve his kindness. He listens to me. He talks to me. He just grounds me. Not to mention he listens to my songs and gives me constructive criticism. None of these things Mingyu did… Kevin’s just being a normal friend. Yeah. He sees me as a friend, I see him as a friend. Right? But why am I comparing him to a boyfriend. Do I see Kevin as more than a friend? When he sings my mind gets fuzzy and my stomach gets butterflies. Every time he sits close to me I freeze up and can’t move away.
Okay. I didn’t know what to do. So I went to Sangyeon. My voice is gone from crying so much but I couldn’t talk over text. We went to the coffee shop on campus. He didn’t mind having to sit closer to me to hear. I feel like I spilled my heart and soul out to him in a span of two hours. He said to just told me to keep acting with Kevin as normal, but just focus on how I feel a little bit more. Thank the heavens for psychology majors. That’s what I’ll do then. I’ll go to our place, and wait for him. When I sit by our trees he always seems to come. Like he knows I’m waiting for him. Then I’ll tell him I’m sorry. And ask him to take me to see Chanhee again, so I can apologize. Yeah. I just hope my Kevin mind-link is still working. That’s what he called it, anyway. Okay, you can do this, Jacob.
He didn’t come.