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Chapter Text

II.      The Wanderer

- Coldplay, The Scientist 

Love. Why does it hurt to love? The answer is simple, clear as the sky above. It won’t hurt if you didn’t give a part of your heart and whole being to someone. Someone you trusted to stay. Love hurts because when you fall in love, you give some parts of yourself to the person you love. You entrust your heart and soul for their safe-keeping. You give them the license to hurt you—the privilege to ruin you.

And not everyone you love will take care of your heart.

…

In Nayeon’s case, she did the hurting. She was the bitch in the story, the villain who left a broken hearted girl all by herself.  Nayeon did not take good care of Jihyo’s heart. It was her fault, not Jihyo’s. Nayeon got tired of it— she got tired of Jihyo.

Nayeon gets tired easily. With the same routines (working in the morning, clubbing at night), same things—getting drunk, dancing with a pretty girl, going home with said pretty girl and burying her face in between pretty girl’s legs. Same shit, different day. That was Nayeon’s routine until she met Jihyo— a woman with big, brown, round eyes that sucks you in, her adorable laugh and that little mole on her nose that Nayeon wants to bop every time.

She thought Jihyo was the one—the one who could finally tame the beast inside her. She thought Jihyo was the exception. She thought she’ll never get tired of her. Their relationship lasted for 5 years. It was great, Nayeon loved Jihyo and Jihyo loved Nayeon and that was it. Their relationship lasted years but no amount of time could define the ending of the relationship. Actually, the only plausible ending was A.) They get married. B.)  They got tired of each other. Nayeon love Jihyo but at that time, the letter B. appeals more to her. She made a choice, she chose to break Jihyo’s heart. It was inevitable . In every relationship there is always that finish line, that ultimatum, that destination that will end it all. Nayeon made a cut through the line, she took a shortcut to the finish line. She made things faster, ending everything way faster instead of relishing in the momentum of time, she shortened it and reduced the time they have together. Nayeon called it off with Jihyo.

It was tiring.

It was tiring being someone else’s world. Jihyo made Nayeon her world, she revolves everything around her. It was great actually, sweet even but the cringey sweetness that Nayeon felt inside turned into chains that somehow bind her into a hollow cage called love. Jihyo was so clingy. It was like Nayeon was the oxygen she needed to breathe, the blood that pumps in her veins, the reason why she wakes up in the morning with a smile on her face, Jihyo made Nayeon the reason of her living. It was sweet, beautiful and ideal but the thing is, Nayeon knows. She knows that she wasn’t deserving for it all. She doesn’t deserve her love—she doesn’t deserve Jihyo.  Jihyo always forgave her, no questions asked. Jihyo always understood Nayeon, She would welcomed her with open arms and with hot chocolates every time Nayeon fucks up—and she fucks up a lot . Jihyo even took the blame for all Nayeon’s mistakes, she did it to make the relationship work despite the cracks that’s starting to dangerously show.

Jihyo was too easy, too gullible, too loving, and too good for her own sake. She lost the thrill, the chase—she lost the challenge.  Nayeon lost interest in her. Nayeon took her for granted after all, how can she not when she knows that even if she leaves Jihyo, the latter will stay and patiently wait for her return—with a steaming mug of hot chocolate. Nayeon knows Jihyo will always welcome her with open arms no matter how long she made Jihyo wait, Jihyo will always be there.

Jihyo spoiled Nayeon too much. She gave her her heart, her whole heart—without inhibition and worry and hesitation. She readily offered it for Nayeon to take. Jihyo trusted Nayeon, she trusted Nayeon’s love. And the latter still broke her heart. Nayeon knows she’s hurting her and it’s not that she doesn’t care. She’s numb, yes but heartless, no. There is just this feeling of wonder crawling into her skin, she can’t help but give in. Nayeon is a curious woman by nature—she questions how long will Jihyo stay, how far will Jihyo put up with her, Nayeon inflicted pain on Jihyo—emotionally. The once loving stares she showed her turned into blank, icy cold glares. The once blazing fire of passion and love turned into this scorching, burning heat that turned the younger girl’s heart into ashes. You know what’s funny though? Never once did Jihyo complain. She took the burn wholeheartedly, as long as she stays with Nayeon.

Nayeon remembers the younger girl’s pleas.

“I’ll be better.”

“Don’t leave me, please.”

“I love you.”

“No, it’s my fault. I’m sorry.”

But Nayeon didn’t give in. Why you ask? Because Nayeon is a confident woman. She is confident that whatever she does, Jihyo will still be there. Jihyo gave her assurance, the assurance that she will be by her side through everything. Nayeon took advantage of that.

‘ I’m all she has, she won’t ever leave me.’  

And that was Jihyo’s mistake. Her capacity to love, her unconditional love—her downfall.

Nayeon broke it off.

…

Nayeon moved on easily with her life. With no chains to hold her back, she wanders freely. She searched for the thing she lost, the challenge, the excitement— the thrill. She looked for something that will ignite the competitiveness in her. She ventured around the world to find someone she would thrive to have and die to lose. Someone that will drive her to wits end, who will give her all the thrills in life that she lacks. Maybe this is why humans tend to have more than one problem, and if the first problem is solved the next one arises far too quickly—a constant reminder for humans that pain is the measure of life. Sufferings keeps us alive.

There are days when she quietly drinks her coffee and suddenly memories come flashing back. Jihyo loves her coffee with 2 teaspoons of sugar, 1 for creamer.  Jihyo always sings when she cooks breakfast and she always beams brightly at Nayeon when she looks at her with a patient smile—Nayeon loved Jihyo’s forehead kisses. Jihyo loves waking her up with chaste kisses, accompanied by a gummy smile as she utters the words that never fail to make Nayeon’s heart leaped out of her chest, “I love you, Pigeon.” 

(It’s no secret that Nayeon looks a lot like a rabbit because of her front teeth. She doesn’t get mad when people call her that. She loves rabbit anyways. But only Jihyo had claimed that to everyone Nayeon is rabbit but to Jihyo? Nayeon is a pigeon, she is Jihyo’s pigeon. Only Jihyo could call her that.

“Why do you like calling me a pigeon?” Nayeon asks one night as they lay together in their bed, basking in the afterglow of their love-making. Jihyo laughs. “Animals for pillow talk? You’re a weird one, Ms. Im.” 

“You love this weirdo.” Nayeon retorts teasingly.

“Yeah, I love you, weirdo.”  Jihyo grins, her eyes crinkling like crescent moons. She tilts her head up to kiss the smiling Nayeon. Jihyo pulled away after a moment,  resting her head on the other’s chest, snuggling closer to Nayeon. Their naked bodies brushing against each other. Nayeon tries to ignore the burning sensation forming at the pit of her stomach. ‘So much for being compared to a rabbit.’

“To them, you are a rabbit. Rabbits are wonderful creatures. They can be as playful and silly as puppies or kittens, they can be as independent and fascinating as cats, or as loyal and openly affectionate as dogs. Rabbits are fun creatures, so totally like you.” Jihyo giggles at the little whine that Nayeon let out when she bops her nose. “But to me, you are a pigeon. Pigeons are like rabbits but they are more gentle creatures and faithful. I love calling you Pigeon because only I gets to see your gentle side and only I gets to experience your faithfulness.”  The younger pauses before adding in a small but fragile voice, “Also, pigeons are known to be life savers. You saved my life Nayeon, you made me see colors in this black and white world.” Nayeon kept her mouth shut, processing what Jihyo said. She fixes their position to hover above Jihyo, looking directly at the chocolate brown orbs. She wouldn’t mind getting lost in those eyes forever. Forever. Her heart swells at the thought of waking up next to this woman for the rest of her life. 

“Marry me, Jihyo.” Nayeon blurts out. Her eyes widen in realization of what she just said. “I may not have much, I might not be able to give you the dream wedding you want but I want to marry you. I want to be with you, forever. Not now, of course but one day.”  Nayeon explains in one breath, her eyes looking at anywhere except Jihyo’s. 

A hand cups her cheek, “Look at me, baby.” The girl underneath her says, Nayeon obliges.  Jihyo’s eyes were shining with unshed tears when she looks at Nayeon. The latter felt it in her bones, the intensity of Jihyo’s gaze, the feelings she wants to convey; love, adoration, trust, and happiness. “Of course, I will marry you. One day.” Jihyo’s voice shakes with happiness and sincerity as she promises Nayeon a future with her. 

“I love you, my pigeon.” 

With no words left to say, Nayeon leans down, pressing their lips together.)

She felt sorry for the younger girl, she wished she could’ve broken it to her gentler. She was wrong in every aspect but she just can’t do it anymore. She can’t be with someone when the feelings she felt were no longer there. She shook her head, flushing away all the memories and the guilty feelings seeping into her system. ‘ My heart has moved on already, I can’t stay stuck in the same place.’

So, Nayeon moved forward.

//

It took her months to finally found what she’s been searching for, 7 months to be exact. The thrill and challenge that she always wanted came in the form of haughty smiles, enticing giggles, honey brown eyes, big cuddles, pink haired and a gravity inclined woman—her name is Minatozaki Sana. Nayeon have never felt this kind of love before. Nayeon knows she’s the one. Carefree, fun, perfect amount of wildness, free-spirited, spontaneous, right amount of clinginess. When Nayeon is wrong, she corrects her—puts her in her place. If it’s Nayeon’s fault, it’s Nayeon’s fault. A clear opposite from her past relationship.

She is everything Nayeon could ask for, everything she wanted—the thrill, the chase, the challenge, the excitement. Nayeon fell for her, hard and deep. ‘She’s the only person who made me feel this way.’

For the first time in her life, she experienced being the clingy one, she became the jealous girlfriend—she got mad every time someone asks for Sana’s attention. She checks on her every now and then. When she’s not around, Nayeon fears for her heart. She gave Sana her heart, along with it is the privilege of doing whatever she wants with it. Nayeon gave Sana the license to hurt her.

Sana hurts her sometimes—physically and emotionally. It’s a habit of hers, to slap people. Her hands sometimes came in contact with the older’s arms, sometimes on her face. When the Japanese is mad, she doesn’t hesitate to use the Korean’s body as her stress reliever—her outlet, her punching bag. Nayeon has lost count of times she cried because of the pain.

(‘ I love her ’

So, it’s okay )

Sana knows the power she has on Nayeon. She knows that in a snap of a finger, the older will be the lap dog she wants her to be. She has the power to make Nayeon cry, to hurt her and Sana used that power to her advantage.

When Sana decided to cool it off, Nayeon didn’t give her the space she asked for.

She was there outside of Sana’s house, crying and begging her to come back. Nayeon thanked the heavens when the clouds cried with her that night. Apparently there was a storm coming, Sana hates storms and Nayeon took that as a win. Sana came out of the house to pick the shivering, drenched in the rain Nayeon, gave her warm clothes and fed her. They didn’t talk but Nayeon already knew that they were okay—especially when she made Sana forget about the storm outside, replacing the thunderstorm with their moans and gasps.

Nayeon knew they were okay.

But then, the inevitable came. Sana wanted to break it off again. And this time nothing could stop her. ‘I don’t feel it anymore.’ She says, explaining how she lost the spark she once felt for the older.

‘You’re too clingy, Nayeon.’

‘I can’t do this anymore.’

Nayeon cried and cried and begged her not to leave.  But the pink haired girl’s resolved were firm. Nayeon doesn’t care anymore, she knelt in front of dozens of people, asking Sana for another chance —

“I’ll be better.”

“Please, don’t leave me.” were the words that stumbled out of her lips, tears streaming down her face. Pathetic, Martyr, Stupid . She knows but she’s passed the point of caring. She loves Sana. Sana is all that matters to her. But the latter still chose to leave her, heart breaking with every step the younger took.

That’s when it started—the look back. There were moments, nothing sort of a flashback that makes Nayeon remember her , Jihyo—her ex. And that’s when she realized how much of a monster she is. She was reminded of the things she did, how she hurt the poor girl’s heart, how she left her, how she neglected her pleas of reconciliation, how she made the joy in her eyes disappear.

Nayeon didn’t know that it will hurt this much.

She nearly died that day, figuratively and literally. Too bad though, Chaeyoung, her best friend found her lying in the cold tiled bathroom floor, bottle of sleeping pills in hand, weak heartbeat in her pulse. She could have died that day. And the moment she opens her eyes— she wished she just did. 

Sana was so angry at her. Nayeon recognizes the sigh of relief, the sadness, and the glint of happiness and spark of regret in those honey brown orbs when Sana faced her 2 hours after she woke up. The Japanese woman came barging in when she heard the news, losing her composure and immediately slapping the laying girl in the face. She said something that to be honest, Nayeon’s fuzzy brain can’t comprehend. It was something along the lines of,

  “How could you do that?”

 “Why would you waste your life on someone like me?”

 “There are plenty of women out there, Nayeon!”

Nayeon wasn’t able to follow the other’s rapid spit of words. Sana is mad and at some point, she asked her why (the only question Nayeon’s fuzzy brain can process) and Nayeon answered. “I don’t want a future anymore if you’re not part of it.” And that shut Sana up. Tears brimming in her eyes, she cups Nayeon’s face gently in her hands—so, so gently that it makes Nayeon tears up because it had been so long since the last time Sana held her preciously like she was afraid Nayeon would break. “Please. I’m not worth it, Nayeon.” Nayeon shook her head. Sana held her hand and Nayeon cries when Sana kisses her passionately, conveying the words that were left unsaid. Promises of a new beginnings were made that day.

Sana was the second girl she fell in love with but she’s the only one Nayeon can’t afford to lose. For Sana, Nayeon is willing to do anything, everything. For Sana, Nayeon can and will endure it all. Nayeon is willing to be everything Sana wants.

Nayeon became too desperate, too clingy. Nayeon became like her—she became like Jihyo. The person she abhors the most.

It’s as if the whole universe conspired to turn her life around, to make her suffer. She can hear the bitch called karma laughing at her right now. She experienced everything she did to Jihyo, and she felt everything Jihyo went through. Sana made her someone like Jihyo. And Nayeon hates it.

Because finally, finally she understood Jihyo’s side. She was given not just a glimpse but the whole experience of it. She finally learned about the things Jihyo went through in loving her. Nayeon began seeing Jihyo in a new, different light. She started to appreciate her and her love, she started missing her, minding her absence, yearning for her presence— longing for her care and warmth.

Wanting her love again.

And Nayeon hates it because a part of her wallows in guilt and regret, why did she broke up with Jihyo? Nayeon regrets calling it off with her.

And for the second time around, Nayeon started falling for Jihyo again.

//

Realizations hit Nayeon. It hit her like truck on full speed, the impact of the collision takes a toll on her soul and her mind. She started being confused about her feelings. How can she not? How is it possible to fall in love with someone you never see anymore? How can she fall for a distant, vivid memory of someone who might never return to her? Since when did Jihyo have this power over her?

It’s as if it turned out to be her loss when she let her go. Nayeon felt like Jihyo’s the only one who can understand her because Jihyo knows what she feels, she knows what Nayeon went through. On the other hand though, Nayeon still loves Sana. She’s still a breath of fresh air while Nayeon suddenly(constantly) searches for something familiar, something nostalgic—in the form of warm hugs, charming giggles and big round eyes that sucks you in. The fire she put out a long time ago suddenly ignited, this time the flames are burning with passion, red and yellow and hues of blue. That’s when Nayeon knows—she’s screwed. The feelings returned. It’s still Jihyo after all.

Though she’s still not sure about all of it. A part of her thinks that she was just feeling this way because she was finally able to see love from Jihyo’s perception. That now, they have this connection of understanding that was lacking in their relationship from the start. That Nayeon was only missing being the one in control. That Nayeon probably just miss having the authority, having the power.

Sana, her current girlfriend made her feel weak and needy. She made her desperate and clingy, she made Nayeon into something she never thought she’d be. Sana brought out the worst in her.

The Korean started looking for what she lost. She tried to get it back, she became fully aware of the fact that Jihyo was already worth so much—she was worth keeping for. Nayeon had a grasp of her decisions but then she did nothing. ‘ What should I do? What can I do?’ The regrets came in late, 3 years too late. We only realize the value of a moment, a memory or a person once they’re gone. Maybe that’s one of the faults of us humans. We tend to let go of the best because we want to look for something better, for something more than what we have. And then once we let go of that best, we would just go around in circles. In the end, we’ll just come back to the start—to that ‘best’. What hurts the most though is often times, when we let go of that ‘best’ someone else is there to catch them, to keep them.  

…

Maybe people should learn to be contented with they have, they should stop asking for more—seeking for more. Some things might be greater than what you have but that doesn’t mean that it’s meant for you. Sana, my current girlfriend is better in a lot of ways but maybe she’s not really meant for me.

Nayeon started having these doubts. She was not only doubting her love for Sana, but she was also doubting if she ever did fall out of love for Jihyo, for her past. Maybe she was just overwhelmed by Jihyo’s love that she wanted an out… Nayeon wanted to breathe freely again without Jihyo’s chains on her neck. And maybe Nayeon was just afraid that it was all too much. That she will never be able to reciprocate her love, with all its intensity and greatness.

Maybe they’re right. Maybe Nayeon really is a coward.

She began picturing Jihyo in Sana, She began comparing them, tallying their perks and flaws, their strengths and weaknesses, theirs bests and worsts. The little quirks that they have. Jihyo has this impeccable warmth in whatever she does while Sana has this haughtiness in her that makes her intense, something Jihyo doesn’t have—But Jihyo accompanies her in her late night marathons and urges to travel the streets of Seoul at midnight. Nayeon began listing them all and Sana, Sana would always fall short. Jihyo is so much better in so many ways but Nayeon was too idiot to see that before. Here she is now facing the consequences. Instead of moving forward with her life, she took a step back. It’s happening all over again. Nayeon is making the same mistakes twice.

Almost.

She was so messed up that she started retracing her steps back to her—back to Jihyo. Nayeon clearly remembers the day she went to their friends— her friends. How could she forget when the stinging ache in her cheek is the constant reminder of how hard Tzuyu had slapped her the moment Jihyo’s name fell out of her mouth? She can never forget the way the savage but sweetest maknae told her the words she never thought would shoot daggers in her heart. “You’ve already cost her too much pain. Leave her the fuck alone.”

But what Nayeon can’t forget the most in that meeting is the depths of Dahyun’s words, softly spoken but the words burns a hole in Nayeon’s soul. “She’s mending, unnie. She’s doing well. Please, don’t ruin her again .” A punch in the gut kind of substitute for “She found a new love, and new life. Don’t destroy it .”

Nayeon didn’t think it would hurt so much but it did. The pain was unexplainable and this time, Nayeon swore she never felt that kind of pain even when she was suffering from her relationship with Sana. Because this pain? This is so different— the kind of pain laced with regrets are the worst kinds .  Nayeon felt the delayed desolation, the delay of the aftermath of their break-up, she felt it 3 years later, 3 years too late.

And that’s when Nayeon stopped. She stopped hoping, dreaming, yearning and longing for Jihyo’s warmth, Jihyo’s care, Jihyo’s love—Nayeon stopped wanting Jihyo back.

Momo’s words from a drunken night (when Sana was away for a business meeting in Vancouver) kept ringing in her head. “Nayeon, there is a reason why some people from our past stays in our past. Why they’re now not a part of our present or our future. They’ve made their stay at some point in our lives and that’s it.” Nayeon remembers the tenderness and comfort she felt being cradled in Momo’s arms that night as she cried herself to sleep.

Momo is right. Nayeon had her chance, she could’ve made Jihyo happy. She could have taken a good care of her heart but she didn’t. She wasted the chance that she had and now, she can’t just ease back into Jihyo’s life and ruin the things she built for herself, she can’t just beg for Jihyo to have her back. (And if Nayeon dreamt of Jihyo and her getting back together again—living happily, kissing passionately at night and crying herself out the moment she wakes up because she wishes she’d rather not wake up at all if it meant being with Jihyo again, Momo nor Sana doesn’t have to know.)

So, Nayeon did the most decent and humane thing to do. She left Jihyo alone (again) with the new life and new love and moved on, for real this time. (she prays.)

//

Maybe contentment is a choice, just like how happiness is. Maybe if she chooses to be contented, maybe she’ll find happiness again. Nayeon thinks. She tried to stop her thoughts from wandering back into Jihyo. Nayeon made Sana her priority, just like how it should be. Maybe she just needed a balance, a whole perfect equilibrium for herself—She can be as clingy as she wants as long as she can also be someone she could cling whenever to.

Nayeon tried, she tried so hard (emphasis on tried). She tried to forget everything that makes her mind wander back to Jihyo, she tried to forget Jihyo even if she sees her even in the littlest of ways. “Diversion, unnie. That’s what you need.” Chaeyoung suggests. (But not before commenting on how fucked up Nayeon is.) So, it’s what Nayeon did. She diverted everything she felt (feels) for Jihyo to her girlfriend, Sana, because that’s how it should be, that’s how it must. She started creating new memories with Sana, she did things that Jihyo and she never did, she tried replacing every single thing that screams Jihyo with Sana—Nayeon loves to watch the starry night in the hood of her car, at a place where overlooking view of the night of Seoul is seen and Jihyo loves that, Jihyo always look forward to those nights, with a steaming mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows on top. The way Jihyo lulls her to sleep as she whispers her confessions of love and adoration for the Older, it’s etched at back of Nayeon’s mind. Now, her starry nights include 1 gallon of ice cream though it’s chilly but Nayeon doesn’t complain because that’s how Sana is—weird. (Excludes the warm hugs, confessions of love and adoration and the hot chocolate) Nayeon showered Sana with affection, care and love that was supposed to be Jihyo’s. Because Nayeon knows, it’s useless to continue to love someone who she can’t have, it’s a futile attempt, a suicide mission and she knows it’s not only her who’ll die at the end.

It’s her fault anyways. She’s aware of it, everyone blames her—even she blames herself. Besides the fact that Jihyo might not love her anymore is the underlying, saddening and dangerous truth that she found out—Jihyo tried to end her life. That’s how shattered and miserable she was because of Nayeon—because of Nayeon’s selfishness. And up to this day, Nayeon will carry the guilt of making someone precious like Jihyo think that she’s not worth it to the point where she almost took her life. That’s what’s stopping her. Call her cocky but Nayeon knows for a certain that if she appears at Jihyo and begs her to come back, Jihyo will welcome her and accept her with warm hugs, wet kisses and apologies on their lips.

And that’s what Nayeon fears the most because as long as Jihyo loves her, Jihyo is as good as dead. She will always be the selfless Jihyo, even when she gets hurt, she won’t mind it as long as she’s with Nayeon. Because that’s how she is. That’s how Jihyo loves. She loves with her whole heart, she doesn’t save some for herself. Jihyo is the all or nothing type. She loves with her everything because if she doesn’t then why love at all? Nayeon remembers asking Jihyo, basking under the glorious rays of the sunset, one afternoon where Nayeon felt going out so she took Jihyo out on a picnic by the beach. Jihyo answers her “Go big or go home. Love is the same. Give everything or never loved at all.” Nayeon recalls the smile on Jihyo’s face and the glint in her eyes and the way she kissed Nayeon with utmost care and intense passion that it rendered Nayeon speechless.

…

Nayeon is flirty, it’s in her nature. She won’t deny it, she’s not the stick to one type of woman. She always have back-ups in case the first one goes wrong, Nayeon always has her left foot at the back while her right is in front so when everything goes wrong, all she has to do is turn around and walk away. Nayeon knows the tendencies of her being miserable again and she can’t afford to hurt Jihyo again. 

So, Nayeon did everything to change. She tried to stop looking back at the past, wondering about the ‘what if’s’ and ‘what could have been’s’ instead she starts thinking of ‘what is’ and ‘what will’. When her thoughts drift back to the old ways—to the old Nayeon, her mind subconsciously travels back to big brown round eyes and adorable giggle and then her bad thoughts will suddenly disappear.

‘ What would Jihyo do if she were in my place? ’ were the constant thoughts Nayeon has. Jihyo became a part of her in a different way. She became Nayeon’s conscience. The hurt in her eyes and the way she cries haunts Nayeon, that’s what made her stop hurting others.

When the guilt comes, it takes her down the old familiar path. She wants to refuse to walk on it, pretending that she is the person she demands to be. Nayeon wants to see herself in sepia tones, not perfect colour. She wants to bang her head and forget it all, but if she did she'd never learn from what happened. And it's true what they say, ‘Those who don't learn from their past mistakes are doomed to repeat it.’ And Nayeon couldn't bare that. So she keep her eyes trailed forward and her mind fixed on creating a future— a positive future ; because really, isn't that what everyone needs?

Days, weeks, months and years have passed, the time never stopped ticking. (Although Nayeon wishes it did.) Nayeon learned to value Sana more. She learned to be contented with everything she has right now—she became satisfied with Sana. After a few years of a rocky, on and off relationship, Nayeon decided to seal the deal. She has nothing to lose at this point anyways, she has nothing— no one —to go back to anyway. She chooses to move forward with her present, to their future...together.

She did the most rational thing to do.

Under the starry sky, with their family and friends as witnesses, Nayeon asked Sana to be her wife.

//

The universe must have hate her so much.

She thought she had already paid the debt she had with the bitch called karma but apparently, Karma’s not done with her. Nayeon mentally slaps herself, it shouldn’t matter anyway. She shouldn’t— couldn’t —care anymore because she was supposed to have moved on by now. Nayeon lost count of the times she dreamt of this moment, of how many times she cried herself to sleep picturing how they would meet again. 70% of those dreams include Nayeon on her knees, tears falling freely on her cheeks, words of apologies and promises of better future— better love stumbles on her lips all while begging Jihyo to take her back into her life—to her love her again. 28% being Jihyo lashing out on Nayeon and just beating the shit out of her but the 2%?

The 2% is Nayeon’s favourite.

A dream where she waits for Jihyo on the altar because no matter what happened, they put it all in the past, they met again under different circumstances, a better, stronger and wiser versions of themselves and they tried again and this time, they succeeded. Jihyo accepted her, they made a family of their own and lived happily ever after.

But this?

This is not how Nayeon pictured meeting Jihyo again, not on her own wedding day, not as Jihyo being the wedding photographer.

Nayeon feels like shit. She feels nauseous and it’s not because of the wedding jitters or nerves or whatever they call it. Her stomach drops. There’s this familiar tug in her heart. The familiarity seeps into the chambers of her soul, waking up the supposed to be dead flames of passion, igniting the burning heat of love, freeing the caged feelings that Nayeon tried so hard to suppress and kill for years.

She’s so damn screwed.

Maybe her repentance for all the sin she committed years ago was not enough. Nayeon changing for the better is not enough. Maybe everything she did was not enough for the universe to forgive her past mistakes. Maybe this is the revenge the heavens prepared for her. Though, amidst the absurdity of the situation and the chaos in Nayeon’s mind, there’s this spark of dangerous wishful thinking tucked at the back of her head. She wants to entertain it so, so bad but it’s so, so dangerous.

Maybe Jihyo being there is a sign. A sign that she should stop all the pretending and let her heart follow its will.

‘Jihyo’s here. She’s here. A few steps more and I could hug her again, take her back into my life, we could run away and be together again.’

Nayeon ponders for a moment. She looks at Jihyo and the latter was looking back at her. Years of unspoken feelings were conveyed, Nayeon prays that Jihyo understands what’s hidden in her stares. The brown pools met the black ones, Nayeon was sucked in once again. It’s just so easy to get lost in Jihyo’s eyes—into Jihyo’s soul. Nayeon decides, this is it. This is the woman she loves. She’s willing to risk everything for Jihyo. Marriage be damned, all she needs is Jihyo.  Nayeon succumbs to her deepest, truest desires. She was about to walk to Jihyo’s side when a blonde haired girl beats her to it. A tall blonde haired girl with small face and piercing eyes holds Jihyo’s hand and smiles at her. Nayeon stops.

‘Surely, she still loves me, right?’

Nayeon feels cold, like a bucket full of water was dropped on her. What if Jihyo doesn’t feel that way anymore? What if she really has someone new? Nayeon balled her fist until her knuckles turned white. Her eyes stings but she fought the tears that are threatening to spill. She almost didn’t considered her feelings again. For God’s sake, she was about to get married! What was she thinking?

If Nayeon were to take risks with her, she will just be committing another mistake. She will hurt someone else again. Hurting Jihyo is enough, she can’t afford to hurt someone else anymore, and she would rather be the one hurt instead. When Nayeon saw the way Jihyo smiled at the blonde girl who later on she learned her name was Jeongyeon, she dismissed the ugly, dangerous thoughts roaming in her head. Because Nayeon knows that smile, she knows because that’s how Jihyo used to smile at her. A smile full of adoration and love—a smile of pure happiness.

The ceremony started. Nayeon is patiently waiting at the end of the altar. Chaeyoung, Momo, and some of their friends were standing at their designated seats. Nayeon looks at them and mouths a silent thank you, the two nodded, smiles and tears on their faces. The music played and Nayeon looks at the opening doors, there she sees Sana, in a beautiful white dress, arms looped into her father’s. Sana grins at her and Nayeon returns it. For a split second, her eyes darted on the girl holding a camera just a few steps in front of her. For a moment, Nayeon swears time has stopped. She looks straight into the camera, hoping to convey all the feelings she feels at the moment to the girl behind it. Regret. Contentment. Love.  Tears were spilling from her eyes but this time she didn’t stop them, if somebody asks she can always use the wedding jitters as an excuse.

It’s downright a devilish act but when she kissed Sana in front of the altar, she wishes it was Jihyo instead.

//

Later that night, at the wedding reception, when everyone was having fun or too drunk to notice their surroundings, Nayeon took her chances. She asked Jihyo for a dance. She swore she could’ve cried when Jihyo said yes. Nayeon knows the value of things now so she savoured every physical contact. She memorized Jihyo’s face, tucking the memory in the deepest corners of her mind, Nayeon relishes the smell of Jihyo’s perfume, her shampoo. Nayeon basked herself with Jihyo’s warmth. She held her gently, carefully like she was the most precious thing in the world— she is, she is the most precious thing in my world . Nayeon wants nothing but to kneel and ask for forgiveness—for a second chance but all she could do was smile and pretend that she was happy...because Jihyo is now happy and she wants nothing but for Jihyo to be happy because her happiness is Nayeon’s happiness.

‘Congratulations’ and ‘it’s been so long’ were exchanged. Small talks were initiated. Nayeon resists the itch on her tongue—the urge to ask about the blonde girl or if there was a new person in Jihyo’s life. She lost the right to ask her that years ago, she’s just a bystander now. A mere stranger. Nayeon doesn’t have a license in Jihyo’s life anymore. She feed herself with the fact that Jihyo’s happy now, with that, Nayeon is contented.

‘ She deserves all the best thing in the world.’ After everything she went through, Jihyo deserves to be truly happy. As the song fades away, Jihyo was fading away too along with the hopes and dreams of them being together again. The ring on Nayeon’s finger is shining beautifully underneath the fairly lights, a constant— painful reminder that She can never be with Jihyo anymore.

Nayeon realizes something as she bask in Jihyo's presence. Maybe it's true. Pigeons really are faithful creatures. 

She smile bitterly at the thought.

With the last beat of the song, Nayeon bets on the odds and begs the heavens for courage, for a small moment—for time to freeze even just for a few seconds. She pulls Jihyo close and hugs her tight, uttering the words she should’ve said a long, long time ago.

 “I’m sorry, Jihyo.”

Tears were falling out of her eyes when she lets go.

She turned her back and walks away.

She lets go of Jihyo, again.

She had to. 

//

If only Nayeon knew that it’ll always be Jihyo then she would’ve never let her go. But regrets always comes at last, right? She made a mistake and she can’t turn back time to undo it, but she can move forward and own up to it and that’s exactly what Nayeon did. She had hurt Jihyo, she had hurt herself too and she knows she could’ve hurt a lot more innocent poor souls if she had repeated the same mistake again.

Jihyo is happy. Nayeon is happy that she is happy.

Maybe then, Nayeon will stop seeking for her happiness…Jihyo was able to be happy.

Nayeon wishes she could be too.