Chapter Text
“What’s up with you and Chloe?” Stacie asks Beca, as they walk back across campus to their building near the end of their third week, having run into each other walking out of neighbouring lecture theatres. With very little effort they’ve become alright friends, and Beca won’t even begin to complain. There are no attempts to go super deep and meaningful as soon as they meet, no bullshit, no judging, just chill hanging out.
“What do you mean?” Beca asks, genuinely interested, although she figures Stacie always has one particular thing front of mind.
“You fucking? Because sometimes it seems like you are,” she comments, and Beca laughs.
“Nope.”
“I saw you guys sitting together after the evacuation drill last week and whatever,” Stacie adds, more as an explanation than a question. Beca shrugs.
“We met each other when we were super young kids, and I had forgotten, she was just checking whether it was me. Which it was, but yeah, we just hung out once or twice at some thing to do with our parents when I was like, 7,” Beca explains, skimming over the details.
“Oh, okay, that’s cool. Oh, you know who I am fucking? It’s someone on our floor, guess,” Stacie rapidly changes topic and Beca can’t help but burst out laughing.
“Oh my god, do I wanna know? And have you not heard about not sleeping with people that live on the same floor as you in case shit goes bad?”
“I can handle it. It’s just sex, he knows. Also, yes, I only do dudes, so that can narrow your guessing down,” Stacie adds, shifting her bag off her shoulder and searching through the pocket for her key as they approach their building.
“Ooh, guessing?” Chloe’s voice greets them, coming from the other direction and stepping in front of them to let them into the building. “What are we guessing?”
“Which dude on our floor I’m screwing,” Stacie answers, nonchalant, and Beca feels herself blush. It’s all well and good when it’s just Stacie and her because they’re very chill but she doesn’t know how open Chloe is because she’s never mentioned anything about it but-
“Oh god, Stace, don’t give me any floor drama to deal with,” Chloe teases, but it’s clear it’s just that. “Gareth. It’s totally Gareth.”
“Um… yes. How did you?” Stacie seems surprised, and Chloe just grins.
“Just a hunch.”
“I hadn’t even had a chance to guess yet,” Beca shakes her head as they step out of the elevator on their floor and start walking up the hall.
“What about you, Chloe? Anyone hot on the floor this year?” Stacie pushes, and Chloe’s cheeks turn pink as she looks away.
“I’m an RA, I’m not allowed to hit on any first years until a month into semester because it’s like, power imbalance or something, and I totally get that but this whole floor is first years so I am required to say no…”
“So that’s a yes,” Beca answers, eyebrow raised, pausing as they reach Stacie’s room first.
“Oh, shush,” Chloe answers, also pausing, although she looks back at them and she clearly doesn’t mind the teasing.
“I gotta call the parents, but might see you guys later,” Stacie says goodbye as she opens her door and steps inside.
“You up to anything?” Chloe turns to Beca, when they start slowly walking further up the hallway. Chloe’s room is at the end, Beca’s not far from it.
“Nah,” Beca answers, “you?”
“Nope. Come hang out?”
She says yes, of course – there’s yet to be an instance where she hasn’t said yes when Chloe’s asked her over, although mostly because, much like Stacie, their friendship is very chill and relaxed and it’s… nice.
“You done that mix you were working on yet?” Chloe asks, as Beca closes the door behind them and drops her bag on the floor, flopping onto the crappy couch Chloe gets in her room. RA privileges are few, but the room is a big one.
“Oh, yeah, when I can be bothered to pull my laptop out I’ll play it. Thanks for suggesting those songs, they helped it come together really well,” she answers, before they fall into silence as Chloe moves around the room putting away things from her day.
One thing Beca can’t say is that there’s no too-quick depth to her friendship with Chloe, but… she figures it was kind of inevitable, with the whole fire thing. Not that they’d actually talked about it again.
“Have you told your Mum you met me again? Not that I think she’d remember a random patient she saw for 24 hours, but you said you tried to find me after and all,” Beca asks, when Chloe slides onto the couch beside her thirty seconds later.
“I told her someone on my floor this year was one of the kids I hung out with at the hospital, but I haven’t said who. She does remember you, you were a special kid. We both were quite worried about you, she wanted to call child protection services to check out your Dad but her superior overruled…” Chloe trails off, pausing for a moment. “Didn’t know whether you’d be okay with me telling her, didn’t want to bring it up because I don’t know you well enough to know where you’re at with all of it and the last thing I want to do is upset you or make you uncomfortable, so.”
“My Dad wasn’t like… child services wouldn’t have had an issue with him. He divorced Mum a year or so earlier and pretended he didn’t have a kid after that, so. I wasn’t comfortable with him, but he never did anything wrong. And he didn’t neglect me once he had me back or anything,” Beca shifts her head side to side, pulling some of the tension out of her shoulders. “I don’t talk about it much, and I’ve not been to a psych so no formal diagnosis but I’m pretty sure I have PTSD and I panic so easily around fire, but. I can handle acknowledging it happened in a controlled environment.”
“Can I tell my Mum? She’d be really happy to know I’m kinda friends with you again,” Chloe asks, carefully.
“Yeah,” Beca nods, “and you can tell her that seven-year-old me was already a shy little shit but thought she was pretty cool.”
“I will. Also, no pressure, but if you ever do want to talk about it or you ever need support with something, I’m always here. I mean, as your RA, I have mental health first aid training and all that but- I mostly mean as your friend I’m here for you if you need me,” Chloe’s tone is cautious again, as if she’s ready for Beca to deny their friendship – but she has no desire to do so.
“Thanks, Chlo. I… yeah. I might not be comfortable going all emotional yet but… I like hanging out with you, and I know eventually I will be,” she admits, slowly, taking a deep breath. “Anyway, want to hear that mix?”
“Yes!” Chloe squeals, wholeheartedly embracing the change in tone.
“Finally a good fucking party!” Stacie screams, one arm linked with Beca’s and the other with Chloe’s as she drags them through the backyard. It’s a house party, hosted by someone Chloe knows, and the latter had invited Stacie, Beca, Jess, and a couple others that the three had been hanging out with in classes to come along.
“What’s wrong with my floor parties?” Chloe giggles, sufficiently tipsy from their pre-gaming in her room back on campus.
“Your music is better!” Beca responds, probably too loudly, although she’s not entirely in control of her own volume anyway. Turns out she’s a fucking lightweight, not that she should be surprised given her size.
“How is that bad?”
“It’s not but yours are quieter!” Stacie supplies, before letting go of them both and heading off in the direction of someone else she spots.
Chloe shrugs, before disappearing herself off to greet the host. Beca, for her part, spies and makes a beeline for the alcohol with the hope that it will make the shitty slow rap they’re playing more bearable. Hell, she’d take boring house or radio pop music at a party because at least it’s danceable but this stuff? Ugh.
She ends up sitting somewhere in the backyard – relatively quieter than inside – with Jess and a few other people she vaguely knows, contributing little to their conversation but happy to listen and drink. Chloe attempts to drag her inside to dance, at one point, but she quickly shakes her head and tells her she doesn’t dance. She figures she’ll try again later, and maybe she won’t turn her down that time.
“Yooooooooo!” some guy roars, seeming to burst out of the back door of the house and disturbing their (somewhat) peaceful atmosphere outside a few hours in. Beca rolls her eyes, audibly groaning when he’s followed by a swelling crowd of equally drunk guys with no clear purpose other than to make a discordant racket.
She chances a glance across the circle at Jess and a couple of the other girls in the circle she knows, all returning her pointed eye-roll and the silent communication that maybe it means time to head inside. They all start slowly standing up, gauging their own stability (Beca finds, having only been sipping on one bottle of some mixed vodka drink for the last two hours, she’s actually sobered up a little) as they do so.
Three things happen very quickly.
“Fucking campfire yooooo!” one of the boys screams, although it’s a little slurred and the only word Beca’s mind picks up is ‘fire’.
Someone throws a can of petrol in the general direction of a pile of wood in the back corner of the backyard, only a couple of metres from where their circle had been before they all stood up and started moving towards the house.
Someone throws a cigarette at the stream of petrol and it ignites in a fireball back towards the idiot pouring the fuel.
He screams, and someone’s immediately pulling him away and no one got burnt, somehow, but Beca only barely held back her own scream and her mind is rapidly trying to decide between passing out and running away but she can’t even decide so she feels paralysed in space and she can feel herself shrinking as if she’s turning into a 7 year old again and she’s moving towards the house but she isn’t sure if she’s actually moving into the house or her memory is moving her into her childhood house and she can hear the bass of the music louder but it’s still just background noise and-
“Beca!” Chloe’s voice is loud in her ear, although from closeness more than volume, and Beca registers a body wrapping around her and tugging her to keep moving at the same time. She figures it’s Chloe, too, so she lets herself be pulled wherever as she tries to blink her way out of the fog.
“Beca? It’s Chloe, you’re okay, I’m taking you out the front of the house away from all the people,” Chloe reassures her, still holding her tightly, and she nods as her surroundings seem to dissolve back into existence as they walk through the small entry and out the front door.
There’s a cement retaining wall in their front garden, dividing the higher house level from the lower street, and Chloe guides her down to sit on top of it facing out onto the street. Chloe, for her part, sits at an angle, one arm around Beca’s shoulders and one knee pressed her thigh, body twisted around to face her.
“Beca? You don’t need to say anything, just… can you touch my leg, or something, let me know you’re okay?” Chloe asks, a much clearer worry in her voice than Beca expected.
“I’m okay,” she mumbles, reaching out with one arm to guide Chloe back to facing forward so she can lean against her side.
They fall into silence, then, Chloe’s arm slowly rubbing up and down Beca’s as she leans heavily against her side, trying to calm her mind and her racing pulse.
“Did I walk inside by myself or did someone push me in?” Beca asks, a few minutes later, when she feels her voice return to her.
“You walked inside with Jess but I heard someone yelling about a fire in the backyard so I tried to find you and you looked pretty spaced out,” Chloe explains, an edge underneath her tone still clear.
“Fuckhead boys thought lighting a campfire with petrol and a cigarette was a good idea,” Beca grumbles, “I pretty much blacked out as soon as I saw it light up, I don’t know how I got inside. Thanks for finding me.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t find you sooner,” Chloe almost whispers, and Beca turns, studying her face.
“Chlo? It’s okay, you were there, and you’re here now, that’s enough,” Beca reassures, but Chloe just sighs.
“I am… I care about you a lot, Becs, more than you probably realise and I… maybe if I was there for you more, you would realise. And I don’t mean it like…” Chloe sighs again, trailing off into a ten-second pause that Beca isn’t sure how to respond to. “I don’t want you to think you owe me anything for looking out for you. I just want you to know you deserve someone who does look out for you.”
“I think I do know how much you care,” Beca admits, after a moment, feeling Chloe tense and start moving away in responds.
“I’m sorry, I-“
“Chloe,” she stops her, left hand reaching out to pull her closer and right gripping Chloe’s where it still rests against her arm. “I care about you a whole lot, too.”
“I don’t mean just… as a friend, though,” Chloe mumbles, eyes squeezed shut. Beca squeezes her fingers in response, finding bright blue eyes snapping open in surprise and staring into her own.
“Neither do I, Chlo. And I kind of figured it out… a while back. You looked at me and refused to say anything every time Stacie asked who you were waiting for the month to be over for,” Beca wishes her tone came across more teasing and more confident but blacking out seemed to sap all the energy and alcohol out of her system and she just feels exhausted and small.
“I could’ve been more subtle,” Chloe answers, with half a shrug. “Do you wanna walk back home, or sit here longer?”
“Home,” Beca confirms, letting Chloe unwrap herself from around her and help her down off the retaining wall onto the road below. She doesn’t let the topic go, though, nor does she let go of Chloe’s hand.
“Were you ever going to say something?”
“I don’t know. I know I’ve become an important friend to you, and I didn’t want to take that away from you. But I… you’re really incredible and gorgeous and sweet and smart and caring in your own little hidden way and- “ Chloe cuts herself off, shaking her head, “Hard to pretend I don’t have a major crush on you. I really didn’t want to hit on you when you were panicking, though.”
“I don’t think you could really call that hitting on me. Light hinting that you like me, at most,” Beca replies, with a shrug, “I know why you did. And it actually helped me let myself calm down with you.”
They fall into silence, the noise of the party dissipating to give way to the background hum of freeway traffic and cicadas as they slowly walk the four blocks back to campus. Beca’s mind jumps all over the place as they walk, between Chloe’s hand in hers – thumb moving back and forth across the back of her hand –, the party, and the stillness of the night around them. She allows Chloe to step forward and let them into the building, press the buttons on the elevator, and pull her out of the elevator and down the hallway towards her rooms. She knows she’s staring blankly and she should be trying to speak but she just…
“Becs? Where do you want to go?” Chloe’s voice is barley above a whisper, when they pause in front of Beca’s room.
“I…” Beca starts, taking a shuddering breath to try and ground herself. “Sleep,” she mumbles, instead, fumbling for her key in her pocket and moving towards her door.
“Okay, Beca. Please text me if you want company or anything at all?” Chloe requests, worry creeping into her tone again. Beca just nods slowly before pushing against her door and into her room.
She doesn’t sleep, but she doesn’t text her either. She lies flat on her bed, staring blankly into space and trying not to let her mind wander too far into any particular though. She’s not sure what time they got home, but it feels like only a couple of hours later the sun is rising, shining around the edges of the curtain she keeps closed more often than not. It’s a Saturday, and she doesn’t have to move, so she doesn’t. It was loud the previous night, everyone was going out, and it’s deathly silent in the morning, everyone probably sleeping off copious amounts of alcohol.
Her first movement for the day is when her phone, thrown on her desk across the room when she got home, dings. 10:17am, according to the screen, and she’s relieved – she doesn’t consider why – when it’s just Stacie.
“Where’d you disappear last night?? You good?”
“Yeah, Chloe and I bailed when they started playing with petrol outside,” Beca types out, bringing her phone with her as she flops back down onto the bed.
“Left with Chloe hey???” Stacie’s reply is immediate and expected. Beca sighs and waves her thumb around the screen, resistant to getting deep with another person but knowing she can’t do it with Chloe this time.
“Come over,” she sends, after a moment, heart pounding as she briefly stands up and wedges a shoe in the bottom of her door to hold it open before she quickly falls back onto her bed.
“What happened?” Stacie asks, her voice seeming to echo around Beca’s head as she kicks the shoe out of the way and lets the door fall shut. She seems to glance around briefly before grabbing Beca’s desk chair and pulling it over beside the bed.
“Nothing, really,” Beca supplies, grimacing when she notices her voice sounds distant and scratchy.
“That doesn’t sound like nothing.”
“I met her when I was in hospital after I got caught in a bushfire as a kid. Lost everything, Mum died, but the doctor’s kid – Chloe – was super nice and hung out with me for the whole like, 18 hours I was in hospital. I’m shit-scarred of fire and she knows so she like… freaked out when she heard someone lit a fire in the backyard last night, and she took me out the front to calm down which I needed it was great but…” Beca sighs, falling into silence.
“But…?” Stacie prompts, showing no hostility to the unexpected honesty.
“I’ve known she has a thing for me for a while and it’s mutual. She kind of accidentally admitted it I guess and freaked out, I told her it was fine I felt the same and we walked back here holding hands but I just kind of… went back into panic mode and zoned out and ran into my room alone and now I don’t know how to approach her.”
“Oh, damn. I’m glad you’ve had someone who knew that to look out for you, and you guys are like… not at all subtle, so I’m glad something might be happening too but you probably need to tell her why you ran off when you got back here last night?”
“I guess but… panic attacks are fucking exhausting,” Beca mumbles, looking away from Stacie over at the wall.
“I can imagine they would be. I’m sure Chloe would be happy to just sit quietly with you, though, if that’s what you wanted. And if you don’t want that… I can grab you some food or something, and I’ve gotta write an essay but I could grab my stuff and sit in here doing it?” Stacie suggests, carefully, and Beca just shakes her head.
“Thanks, but I’m good. I… should go see her. Sorry I dumped all that on you I just needed it out of my head but I couldn’t really go to her and-“
“Hey, it’s all good, B. What friends are for, right?” Stacie cuts her off, and Beca manages a nod against her pillow, briefly glancing over and giving half a smile. “I’ll leave you to it, but please go talk to her? I can tell you want to.”
“Yeah, I will soon,” Beca promises, and she means it, although it takes her ten minutes to force herself out of bed to grab her drink bottle, phone and key card to trudge down the hallway.
“Just a moment!” Chloe acknowledges when she knocks on the door, and usually she’d respond to indicate it was her but she just lets her head lean gently against the door frame instead until she hears footsteps approach the door.
“Hey. Can I come in?” she asks, softly, when the door opens. She tries to swallow the guilt she feels at the redness around Chloe’s eyes and the sheer relief on her face when she steps aside to let her into the room.
“Is everything okay?” Chloe asks, voice breaking slightly, and Beca can see from the awkward way she’s holding her hands that she’s fighting not to hug her.
“Yeah I- I’m sorry I ran off last night, there was too much in my head and I just kind of didn’t know what to do with it. I… truthfully, kind of wanted to stay with you, but I didn’t know how to ask,” she admits, hesitating for a moment longer before reaching out to take Chloe’s hands in hers and lift them up between them.
“Can I hug you?” she asks, voice stronger as she looks down at their now-joined hands. Beca mumbles an affirmative, letting go of her hands and sinking into her arms when they wrap around her shoulders. “I really regret my timing. Even if you’re okay with it, I just… I was worried I ruined it by letting it slip when you weren’t all there, and I gave you too much to think about. I just wanted to protect you and I’m sorry I took it too far.”
“Maybe the timing wasn’t great but it’s… whatever,” Beca answers, reluctantly pulling back, although not far enough for Chloe’s arms to leave her shoulders and not far enough for her own to leave her waist. “I don’t want to let it be ruined, whatever it is.”
“Then we won’t. Can I take you out to dinner Tuesday?” Chloe asks, and Beca can’t fight back her responding smile.
“Yeah. That’d be nice. Can I crash on your couch now? I haven’t slept yet.”
“I haven’t either, we can both crash on my bed,” Chloe suggests, and Beca nods as she lets herself be pulled into Chloe’s small separate bedroom, immediately falling down onto one side of the double bed and closing her eyes.
She feels Chloe lie down facing her, reaching out to take Beca’s hand in her own as they both let themselves drift into peaceful sleep.