Chapter Text
MC liked to think that she did her best. That she was a good daughter, a good friend, and a good lover too. She’d like to think that she lived her life without any regret but if there was some thing she could wish for...it would be to see Saeran one more time.
To tell him she loved him more than anyone or anything else in the world.
She wishes she could have married him one day, maybe had kids.
She hopes he knows that she would’ve done anything for that to be real. She wishes more than anything that she could have protected him from harm. All the harm in the world. Saeran was her most precious person and she would do anything to keep him happy.
She knows that she loved him passionately and fiercely. That there wasn’t a day that went by that Saeran could possibly forget that, there was no room for him to even doubt such a thing.
A love like the sun. The sun that reached with unwavering and unconditional support and affection showering all that passed it in it’s light.
MC remembers Saeran whispering to her his most cherished memory of his childhood. They were rare and hard to come by, so Saeran cherished it more than anything.
A story of him and Saeyoung secretly eating ice cream and staring at the bright sun over head. It was a simple memory, but to Saeran it was everything and that meant something to MC too.
MC remembers what he and his therapist come up with one day, something to remind him during the worst of it all.
“Even the darkest night will End and the sun will Rise.”
Would he hate her for leaving him? For abandoning him in this cruel world as he thought his brother had done? Would he blame her for leaving this world without him? This she’d never know.
All she could do was hope her beloved was happy.
☆
Many years later…
Saeran stares at the sun overhead, warm and pleasant. The rays of sunshine engulf the grass in an ethereal glow. Soft and vibrant.
He thumbs at the bouquet held in one hand, and presses the picnic basket to his chest.
He feels like a fool.
Saeyoung had been an annoyance the entire ride here, persistent chattering in his ear he cared very little for. Saeran loved his brother, he truly did but right now he wanted to be alone. Just him and the most important person in his life.
He sat at her grave stone on his knees, the earth beneath him harsh but solid.
As reality so often was.
He let his fingers brush the embossed lettering of the stone, cool and smooth beneath his finger tips. His hand lingers on the words “beloved friend and partner” and once again he feels as though that didn’t do her justice.
A woman like the sun, who’d kept all of them in a warmth unparalleled to anything he’d ever experienced before and after her.
She was more than a friend, more than a partner but the world would never get to see that.
His vision grew a little blurry, unbidden but he cannot help the rush of grief he feels even after all this time.
A lifetime of suffering and he’d never get his happily ever after.
But he was being selfish he knew that. There was much in his life he wished he never had to endure.
There were many things that hurt him, and time was the only thing that made crippling pain a stinging carpet burn.
Unpleasant but bearable.
Taking a deep breath, Saeran dries his tears with the back of his hand and gets to work.
He spreads his picnic blanket sits himself on top. Unearthing the contents of the basket he brought along comes two glasses, a bottle of wine and cute little bento boxes he made with Yoosung’s help.
And finally, after everything is set up in the way he’s always dreamed Saeran speaks.
“I miss you.”
And that’s all he says. He opens his bento box, and starts eating. He talks a bit about how the RFA is doing, about Jaehee opening up a coffee shop. Yoosung finally a veterinarian after cutting out LOLOL though he occasionally plays once in awhile when Saeyoung asks. Zen had gotten in touch with his family a year ago, and was currently on tour. Jumin had been getting into the dating scene, though he was careful. He was currently seeing a doctor for the last 4 years, and Saeran privately thought had an uncanny resemblance to MC, though her eyes were an unnatural green. V, or Jihyun as he had taken to being called as of late had switched medium from photography to art. Saeran’s personal favorite was a picture he had taken before and turned into a painting, somehow made more beautiful. A pretty little Forget-Me-Not, sprouting from the most unlikely of places.
Through the cracks and crevices of a rock, yet the flower was flourishing bathed in a beam of sunlight that made it glow.
Yes, Saeran’s most favourite painting of Jihyun would always be that lovely flower.
And finally a bitter taste in his mouth as he revealed Rika’s whereabouts.
“Still in Alaska I presume. Nobody really cares, not even Yoosung. Actually, after me I think Yoosung is the most reluctant to see her again. She refuses to speak, but she writes to Jihyun sometimes. I don’t know if he writes back but I don’t really care.” he says, leaning back onto the palms of his hands.
After finishing his bento box, he eats the other one. Not like MC was around to actually enjoy it.
“I think I’ll always hate and resent her. Just a little bit. She’d made me suffer under her hand for so long, and maybe I could’ve come to terms with that one day. But what she did to you...I don’t care if it wasn’t intentional or not, you’re gone now and we’ll never get you back and I...I don’t have to forgive her for that.” Saeran decides.
This day had been a long time coming. He was only able to come here once or twice before. Once for the funeral, in which his heart and mind were to managed to properly recollect and once after when he was drunk and crying after a night at the bar.
But his therapist said that this kind of closure would help him. Would be him not forgiving, but letting go and accepting.
This is what had happened, and there was nothing to be done to change that.
But Rika served her time in prison, without much objection and was now free to do as she pleased.
And MC was no longer with them.
It left a bitter taste in his mouth, but happy endings were hard to come by.
That didn’t mean he should be grieving forever, MC wouldn’t have ever wanted that.
So he sought closure on his own terms, searching for MC’s old bullet journal in a box hidden in the attic with the rest of her things. He couldn’t bare to get rid of them.
And he found her list of activities, a bucket list.
Some of them were completed, but many were not.
And 5 years later, Saeran found himself finishing all of them to the best of his abilities.
There was one thing though, that Saeran couldn’t recollect MC ever talking about that filled his heart with both love and despair.
Growing a garden together
“This bouquet I brought...all these flowers come from our garden. The garden you wanted us to grow together. Though it’s more than a garden now. All of the RFA pitched in and now we have this green house. It has these flowers but it also has fruit and vegetables and Yoosung uses it to cook because he likes our fresh produce better than store bought stuff. Something about nasty pesticides but I think it’s more of an excuse to see us.” Saeran confides quietly, so soft it could be carried away with the breeze,
“He told me once he likes it so much because it’s like you’re still here with us. But, if I’m honest…” Saeran hesitates a bit, looks to the sky and lets himself bask in the moment a bit.
“If I’m being honest I don’t feel like you’re gone from us. This might sound a little crazy but hear me out. The night after your funeral everyone in the RFA got hammered. Jaehee included. And we were trying to just reflect and stuff and all of a sudden Jaehee starts rambling about this dream she had that was like an alternate universe. Where you were supporting her and listening to her and made her realize how miserably she was living and what else she wanted from life. One by one, each RFA member was spouting off similar dreams where your help and endless support made them realize something about themselves. It was crazy! Though I have my suspicions that for some of them the relationship wasn’t strictly platonic...Yoosung kept awkwardly cutting himself off and Zen would randomly blush and Jumin’s girlfriend still has a weird resemblance to you…- ah I’m getting ahead of myself.”
Saeran takes a deep breath and continues. “My point is, like some kind of divine intervention they all had these visions of how they could flourish. How they could be happier and how much better life would be if they just believed in themselves the way you believed in them. At first, I’m not going to lie I was jealous as to why I didn’t get one. I’m your boyfriend for crying out loud! Um, anyway I realized maybe it’s because you chose me.”
“Sounds pretty cheesy, I know but that gave me a lot of comfort. In this life, you chose me, chose to love me and walk by my side when there were so many others who could’ve given you more. That doesn’t mean you don’t love the rest of the RFA, just maybe not the same way. And that’s okay. Maybe they did like you at some point, and that’s okay too. In this life, you chose to walk by my side until you couldn’t anymore. And for that I’m forever grateful. I don’t know if I’ll ever be as happy as I was with you, but I think for your sake and mine, I'll try to live happily as much as possible.”
“In honour for all that you’ve done for us, me and Saeyoung are going to make a DLC video game. Since you liked those kind of games so much. We’re going to put in all the RFA member’s routes and the main character will be you. MC.” he reveals into the afternoon air, and maybe he’s just looking too deep into it but the sudden gust of wind sounds like it could be MC’s laughter.
“I think the only difference between this game and you, will be the chance to restart and try again. It’s something I wish we could’ve given you.”
Saeran takes a glance a the empty bento box in one hand and the bouquet in the other.
“For now though, I want to say thank you. Thank you for changing all of our lives for the better, even though the price for that was your life. I’m sorry we couldn’t have more time together, sorry that in involving you in all this in the first place I put you in so much danger. I’m sorry we couldn’t get our happily ever after. I’ll never stop loving you, I hope you know that wherever you are. I hope you know just how precious you are to me and the rest of the RFA. We’ll cherish you everyday by living the best lives we can, because I know that's something you’ve always wanted for us.” Saeran can’t help the tears that fall from his eyes now, as he packs up the blanket and the basket. Chest lighter and stomach fuller.
“I wish we could’ve gotten married, had a kid or maybe a cat if that’s what you would prefer. I wish I could have given you more.”
“All I can hope is that you didn’t have any regrets.”
Pressing a kiss to the grave stone, Saeran lets this moment sink in.
“This isn’t a goodbye. This is a ‘see you soon’. Please wait for me.”
Then, placing the bouquet at the bottom the gravestone Saeran whispers a final promise.
“You’ve sown the seeds, watered us and shone your brilliant light onto all of us. And for all your hard work, I swear the RFA will flourish.”
As Saeran parted from the gravestone that afternoon, all that could be seen was a pretty homemade bouquet glowing softly from the sunlight surrounding it.
The cumulation of their relationship resides in the beautiful bouquet that would one day wither. In the bouquet Forget-Me-Not, Lily of the Valley, Geranium, Baby’s Breath and Primrose.
⟲
Flower Meanings:
Daffodils - New Beginnings (though it stems from something toxic)
Gladiolus - Strength of Character, Faithfulness and Honor
Anemone - Forsaken, Anticipation
Lotus - Reincarnation, Birth
Cattail - Peace, Prosperity
Iris - Hope, Cherished Friendship, Valour
Chrysanthemums - Joy, Optimism and Fidelity
Rhododendron - Beware, something harmful is coming
Begonia - Caution
Moonflower - Dreams of Love
Narcissus - Egotism & Self Obsession (part of the Daffodil family)
Butterfly Weed - “Leave Me”
Bouquet:
Forget-Me-Not - True Love, Memories, Don’t Forget Me
Lily of the Valley - Sweetness, Promise of Happiness, You made my life complete
Geranium - I’m happy because of you
Baby’s Breath - Undying love, pureness and freedom
Primrose - I can’t live without you