Chapter Text
When Junki wakes up, he finds that someone has put a blanket over him. There's a note on the table from Sho saying that he's called Junki's work for him to call in sick after Sho saw Junki's clothes covered in puke all over the bathroom floor. Apparently Junki also fell asleep stark naked on the sofa because he forgot to get a change of clothes.
Junki mentally takes note to take Sho out for a nice meal to show how grateful he really is to Sho, and also as an apology for helping a puking Junki two nights in a row.
Junki feels like death itself, but he somehow also manages to feels hungry, probably because he threw up so much last night. He makes himself something simple and eats by himself in the kitchen. He feels much better after eating, but the house feels so empty with no one in it. There's usually chatter from the other ten - no, nine housemates, but right now the only sound is the hum of the refrigerator and the clock ticking angrily on the wall.
Junki goes up to his room. Takumi has left the bed neat and has gone.
He takes a deep breath. He doesn't want to face Keigo right now. But he knows that he has to eventually.
He gathers his courage and goes and knocks on Keigo's door.
Keigo answers. His face is completely unchanged, as handsome as ever, perfect and beautiful. But his hair is disheveled and his eyes look dead to the soul. He looks like he hasn't slept in days, if that's even possible for a ghost.
"Come in" he says quietly. Junki enters and sits down on the bed.
"I heard everything you and Takumi were talking about last night. I'm sorry for listening in." Keigo says. "There's not much else to do when you're dead" he shrugs
"Don't joke about that" Junki says, so quietly he's unsure Keigo heard it. He loves joking around with Keigo but not right now. Not about this.
"Sorry..... It's true by the way. Everything Takumi said." Keigo says. "Apart from when he kept saying that it's his fault. It wasn't. At all."
"Yeah." Junki nods. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"It's a lot to explain. I- I don't know where to start" Keigo stammers
"It's okay. I've got time. Sho called my work so I've got the day off." Junki explains. "I just wish I didn't have to find out in between Takumi sobbing like that"
"Yeah. First of all, thank you for comforting him. Really. Thank you so much."
‘I didn't do it for you.’ Junki thinks, and he notices that he is jealous. His feelings are a mess. His run last night helped him sort out some of his thoughts and fit a few pieces of the puzzle together, but his feelings are still in complete disarray.
Keigo looks so real. And he sounds real, and acts real, and Junki’s feelings towards him definitely feel real, and are stronger than ever.
Keigo explains his side of the story. It’s pretty much the same as Takumi’s. They fell in love in high school, and moved to Tokyo together. Keigo’s mental health deteriorated uncontrollably. Keigo doesn’t know why. It might've been because he was failing at the University that he had dreamt of going to for so long, making him hate something he loved so much before, or it might've been because he missed his hometown and his parents, especially his mom, or because he took this uncontrollable sadness out on Takumi and made him sad sometimes which made Keigo feel even worse, and Keigo really started to hate who he was as a person. So he started distancing himself from people and refused to open up again, sealing himself away. Takumi would sit and cry quietly in front of Keigo’s room, waiting for Keigo to come out, or even just talk to him, just like he did last night. Keigo was so far behind at Uni that just the thought of it made him sick, thinking about how he'd been making Takumi suffer made him feel disgusting and his brain just tortured him and tortured him and tortured him...
He didn't mean to do it. It was a spur of the moment thing. He never would've intentionally done it here, in his room, where it would’ve caused the other members so much grief. It was impulsive, and brash, and Keigo regrets it. So much.
"When I realised it, I was a ghost. I thought I’d just woken up from a horrible dream but then I saw my own dead body on the floor of my room. I soon realised that I couldn’t even cry, or throw up. I tried to call Sho, anyone, but no one could hear me. I couldn’t bring myself to look at Sho’s face when he finally found my body. I caused Takumi and the others so much pain while I was alive. But I really do think I caused more pain when I died. Sho even had shock therapy for a whole year afterwards, and he still has trouble sleeping now. Takumi still cries in front of my room sometimes even though he knows I’m not there, only now I couldn’t reach out to him if I tried.
“All I could do was watch everyone I care about suffer because of me.” He says. “I see everything in this house. After I died, I had a lot of time on my hands, and I saw a lot of things that I didn’t see before because I was too selfish. How the others cared for me much more than I thought they did, and they didn’t see me as disgusting, they wanted to help me. But even if I wanted to, I couldn’t comfort Takumi, I couldn’t apologise to Sho, I couldn’t tell Mame that it’d be okay, and I couldn’t thank Ren or Ruki or the others for being there for me the entire time.
“I wanted to talk to them. I’d do things like sit next to Ren and watch TV with him and pretend I was still alive. I’d do the dishes sometimes to help Sho out when no one was in the house just to feel useful, or open or close windows to make the air nicer, because there wasn’t much else I could do.
“And then you moved in.”
“Yeah” Junki nods. This is a lot to take in, and Keigo gives him time.
“Even though there’s a lot of people living here, it’s still really quiet during the day, or at night when everyone’s out or asleep. I’ve always hated that. But when you’re here, you’re always singing. I liked listening to you sing. It was relaxing, and it made the passing time bearable. It saved me.
“And for some reason you could see me as well. I don’t know why, but you could see me, and you talked to me like I was still alive. It made me so happy. I wanted to play along with this fantasy for as long as I could, pretending to be alive. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner that I’m not what you thought I’d be.”
Junki shakes his head to say that it’s fine, he’s not mad.
“I’m sorry for causing you all this trouble.” Keigo sighs. “You shouldn’t have to bear my burden for me. Please forget everything I just said. I’ll disappear from your sight, I promise-“
“No!” Junki interjects “Don't do that! Sato Keigo, don't you dare disappear from me! You mean so much to me.”
Keigo shakes his head in return.
Junki moves to sit closer to Keigo. He feels like he’s never seen Keigo this close up before, because Keigo’s always kept his distance. The only time they were this close was when Junki tried to kiss Keigo in the bathroom when he was drunk, and it was too dark to see his face properly then. Close up, his face looks like a doll, a porcelain doll, with beautiful skin, long eyelashes, and faint smile lines framing his eyes. Keigo feels tense.
“Can I try touching you?” Junki asks
“You can try, but-“
Junki reaches for Keigo’s hand, but it just passes through.
“It won’t work. I can’t touch people. I’ve tried.” He says hollowly
“Even over clothes?”
“Yeah. I can’t exist in the same space as living things.”
“Can you sense things?” Junki asks
“Not really. I can remember what a few things feels like though, like, a bath should be hot, sunlight should be warm, ice should be cold. If I concentrate and try to remember hard enough I can pretend to feel things.” Keigo explains.
Junki reaches a hand out to Keigo’s chest, but it passes through again. It just feels like air, as if Keigo wasn’t there at all. There’s not even any heat from Keigo’s body warming the air around him, and suddenly Junki feels as though he is the only one in the room.
“Stop.” Keigo says quietly
“Does it feel weird?”
“No. It’s just-“ Keigo sighs. “I wanted to feel human around you. I wanted to feel alive with you.”
“Wait, let me try something” Junki pauses. “Hold your hand out.”
Keigo does, reluctantly. Junki carefully places his hand on top of Keigo’s so that it’s hovering above Keigo’s, and then carefully folds his fingers in between the other boy's fingers. Keigo notices what Junki is trying to do and closes his hand around Junki’s. It almost feels like they’re holding hands.
“Does this almost feel like you’re alive right now?”
“Yeah, almost” Keigo smiles. He looks like he’s going to cry.
“Close your eyes”
Keigo does.
Junki leans across the gap between them, and softly kisses the air where Keigo’s lips should be.
When he pulls back and opens his eyes, he sees that Keigo has already got his eyes open. This time though, he didn’t move away.
“I can still hear you, you know” He says. It might be Junki’s imagination but he thinks Keigo is blushing, if ghosts can do that.
“You try it” Junki urges, closing his eyes.
He can’t hear or feel what Keigo is doing, but he sneaks a glance when he thinks Keigo might not be looking. He sees Keigo’s face, close to his. He’s looking down at Junki’s lips, hesitating gravely.
“What’s wrong?” Junki asks
“Junki… I’m a ghost.” He sighs heavily. “I’m dead. You shouldn’t let dead people kiss you.”
“I’m okay with you kissing me though? Wait, there are other ghosts in this house that want to kiss me?” Junki looks around him jokingly
“No, there’s not. That’s not the point.” Keigo looks at him pleadingly “You shouldn’t even be able to see me right now. No one else can. This is wrong. You belong in the real, living world”
“You do too.” Junki says. “You’re one of the most kind and human people i’ve ever met-“
“Don’t say things like that to me.” His voice breaks
“Keigo… to me, you seem really human. You’re funny to be around and talking to you always makes me feel better. I love being around you, when we joke around, when you laugh at me doing stupid things, how you listen to me sing and tell me you enjoy it, when you wind me up and then make me laugh, and take care of me when im sick. Keigo, I lo-“
“Don’t give me that hope.” Keigo whispers
“I’m dead. I’ll never be like you. I can’t eat. I can’t taste. I’ve forgotten what things smell like. I can’t touch any living thing. I can’t sweat. I can’t leave the house. I can’t even be seen or felt or heard. I don’t even know how to stop existing. I’m stuck in this hell and I don’t think there’s any way out. I’ve tried hurting myself, Junki, but I just heal up. I can’t even get rid of myself.”
“Keigo you don’t need to get rid of yourself. Ever. You’re allowed to stay. I want you to stay.” Junki begs him. “Please, Keigo I need you.”
He leans over and wraps his arms around Keigo, enveloping him in a hug. It feels different to when he hugged Takumi last night. First of all, Keigo is much larger than Takumi, but also, Takumi felt warm, and he could lean on Takumi, and hold him tightly. Junki is ever so careful now, as though he could lose Keigo and never find him again. The air inside his arms is cool.
“You’re welcome here Keigo.” Junki tells him. “I care about you. So much. So, so much. I don’t want you to suffer. Ever.”
He sees Keigo shaking silently in his arms. He makes no noise, but the sadness rocks his body violently. Junki lightly kisses Keigo’s head as he keeps his arms firmly around him.
“Junki.” Keigo says, his voice shattering. “Oh, Junki. I’m so sorry for making you listen to all of this. I was selfish and needed to talk to someone, anyone, about what I’d experienced. But you shouldn’t care this much about me. You need to forget about me and live normally with the others. I’m sorry I’ve become a bigger part of your life than I should’ve done.”
Keigo lifts his face. Junki is shocked to see that no tears are there. Although his eyes are perfectly dry, they are dead inside. He really meant it when he said he couldn’t cry.
“Keigo, you’re wrong.” Junki shakes his head. He feels his own, warm, salty tears on his face, which he’s been crying in Keigo’s place. “You don’t mean that. You can’t.”
“This is for the best Junki.” Keigo says. He takes a deep breath, and then smiles. It’s almost convincing. “Thank you for everything until now. Please live happily.”
Keigo silently passes through Junki’s arms. Junki doesn’t feel a thing. Keigo walks to the door, and disappears into thin air. It feels final.
Junki is left in Keigo’s room, alone, crying in Keigo’s bed. It doesn’t even smell like Keigo. Junki doesn’t even know what Keigo would smell like anyway, but Keigo’s bed doesn’t smell like anything at all. Junki calls out Keigo’s name, over and over, but Keigo never appears again.
Eventually, Junki leaves Keigo’s room. He doesn’t know why he stayed there so long, but he just hoped that Keigo would reappear.
He bumps into Takumi in the hallway.
“Junki?” Takumi immediately pulls Junki into a tight hug. “Junki, what’s wrong?”
“Keigo…” Junki had stopped crying a while ago but he could feel the tears coming back, hot behind his eyelids. “Keigo disappeared”
“You can’t see him?”
“No. Not anymore.” He sobs.
Takumi just holds him tightly. This makes Junki cry even harder. He feels like he hasn't been hugged like this for a long time, and felt the warmth of another person around him.
Sho comes home, and Sho hugs Junki as well. Junki apologises over and over, and Takumi explains the situation to him. Eventually, Ren comes home too. Ren apologises Junki, that he was needlessly harsh to Junki at the table that time, and Junki apologises back for being insensitive. Mame came and hugged Junki too, which probably made him cry the most.
They all ate together that day, Junki crying the entire time. The others laughed at him because he looked funny, and Junki laughed too.
He was still in so much emotional pain, but he felt touched, eating a home cooked meal, making up with all of them, and having them remind him of just how much he means to them. It almost felt normal.
……
For everyone else, life went on as it had before. Nobody mentioned Keigo. It was like he had never existed. There were no noises from Keigo’s room, just like before.
But it’s different for Junki. Junki had never known Yanoshiro House without Keigo in it. To Junki, Keigo was a fundamental part of the house. He felt like he had lost a close one.
Every time he sang around the house, he’d look around him as if expected to find Keigo there, leaning against a wall and smiling at him. Junki's voice would trail off into the air awkwardly when he realised that he really was alone. The silence in the house that followed would always feel so heavy. He missed having Keigo in his room watching him do his work, or Keigo watching movies with him… he just missed Keigo so much.
Junki lies in bed. He can’t sleep. He hasn’t slept properly in ages. He hasn’t seen Keigo at all. .
“Keigo” Junki whispers. His voice disappears into the air unanswered.
He wants to see him. He wants to hug him tightly and never let go, but Keigo is avoiding him. He’ll probably never see Keigo ever again. Ever. Keigo is gone. It’s too late to tell him everything he wants to say.
“Keigo.” He whispers hoarsely. He’s on the edge of tears. “Please show yourself. I miss you. I miss you so much.”
After a while, he realised that his tears won't stop, and he gets up and goes into Keigo’s room, and lies in the bed there. He can’t feel Keigo’s presence at all, but he wishes he could. If there’s one place in the house where Keigo would find him, it was probably Keigo’s room.
“Keigo” He tries calling out again. “It’s been so long since I’ve heard your voice. I want to see you.”
He’s done this a few times before, sleeping in Keigo’s room on his own. Often when he sleeps here, he manages to see Keigo in his dreams, and they’re happy dreams. He’s dreamt that he’s lied down just like this, and Keigo has just been there, stroking his hair the entire time, or sat next to Junki, rubbing circles into his hand with his thumb, or singing softly to Junki. Sometimes he's dreamt that Keigo hugs him as he cries, and repeatedly tells him that it will be okay, and that he's truly sorry for everything.
Junki hopes he can see Keigo in his dreams tonight as well.
“I love you Keigo” He mumbles, as he falls into a deep, exhausted sleep.
……..
One day, when Takumi and Junki are talking in his room, Keigo comes up in conversation. They hadn’t mentioned him since the day he disappeared, but at that moment it waa just the two of them, and a few months had passed since then.
“Do you think he’d be mad if I moved on?” Takumi asks
“Is it Ren?”
“That’s beside the point…but yes.” Takumi blushes. “Do you think Keigo would mind? I’m not sure if he’s still here or not, and I wouldn’t want to make him sad if he saw me and Ren. Have you seen him recently?”
“No…” Junki shakes his head. “Not since he disappeared.”
“I know this might be really selfish of me, but could you tell me if there’s anything he ever said about me?”
“Of course! Why would it be selfish?”
“I feel like you liked him” Takumi shrugs
Junki sighs deeply. “Yeah. I still do. I’m sorry, he was your ex.”
“It’s fine, I don’t mind.” Takumi smiles. “I’m… moving on.”
“He said… it’s been a long time since we talked, there was quite a lot to take in that day…. He said not to blame yourself, He doesn't blame you, at all. He’s really grateful for everything you’ve done, and he wishes he’d noticed sooner, and been there to comfort you after he left.”
“Thank you” Takumi nods deeply. “Did he…. did he say anything about how he feels about me?”
“We never talked about that, I don’t think… let me try and remember…”
“I’d just like a kind of clarification I guess? We never got to break up properly, so…”
“KEIGO!?” Junki screams. He can’t stop his tears from streaming down his face from the shock.
“Keigo?” He sobs. “What the fuck? You just disappeared.”
“Is he here?” Takumi asks
Keigo is leaning against Junki’s desk, looking at him sheepishly. Junki blinks furiously, doubting his eyes.
“Hi, um... I know I said I wouldn't appear in front of you again, but could you please deliver a message to Takumi for me? I promise I’ll disappear after that.”
“NO! Don’t do that! Tell me the message and STAY.” Junki begs
“Junki, is he here?” Takumi asks nervously
“Yes, yes he’s here.” Junki tells him, wiping his tears.
“Where is he?” Takumi says, looking around the room
“He’s leaning against my desk. He's got a message for you."
Takumi looks towards Junki’s desk, and then shifts his eyes up to where Keigo’s eyes would be. Keigo looks away quickly as they make eye contact.
“Junki, can you tell Takumi that I'm deeply, deeply sorry for all of the trouble I’ve caused him, and I want him to move on. I’m happy for him. He can forget about me and live a happy life in the present, not the past. I'm sorry for all of the grief I've caused you.”
Junki passes on the message, asking Keigo again and again to repeat parts so that he gets it right.
“Thank you. Junki can you tell him that ... that we miss him. We miss him so much. I'm sorry that I couldn't do more for you while I could. I can't ever forgive myself for that. I feel bad for moving on, but I hope he forgives me.”
“It’s okay, he can hear you.” Junki nods. “He says he wants you to forgive yourself. He’s nothing but grateful for all you’ve ever done for him, and he wants you to be happy. He wants you to be free of the past.”
“Thank you Keigo. I hope you can be happy too.”
“Takumi I think you and Ren will be good together. I’m cheering you on,” Keigo says
They talk some more, about the past, about how they both want to move on and leave it all behind, Junki repeating Keigo's words and acting as a communicator for the two of them. They even manage to officially break up.
Eventually, Takumi leaves the room, leaving just Junki and Keigo.
“So Junki... please don't talk about me in front of Takumi or the others anymore. I won't appear in front of you, either.” Keigo says, leaning up off the desk like he’s about to leave.
“What? No! That's not fair Keigo. Please stay. Please don’t go this time.”
“It's the only way for everyone else to keep moving on without me.” Keigo replies with a shrug. “You should too Junki.”
“I don't want to forget you”
“You should.”
“No! Keigo, no! Not at all!”
“I'm dead”
“I know. And I love you. I love you so much and it hurts me when you leave.”
“This is why I have to leave”
“No! This is why you should stay. Stay with me, please. I need you in my life. Please, just let me love you Keigo.”
Keigo doesn’t say anything.
“Keigo, how do you feel about me?”
“About you?”
“Yeah. I love you." Junki tells him. "Romantically. How about you?”
“I love you too”
“Then stay”
Keigo nods his head.
Junki rushes up to Keigo and locks him in an embrace, carefully. Keigo hugs Junki back. He seems scared at first, like he could hurt Junki, but eventually places his arms just around Junki’s back.
Kissing was difficult. They both struggled at first but managed to find a way around their problems. At least one of them had to open their eyes so that they didn’t miss each other and Junki didn’t just pass through Keigo. Keigo had to lean down a little bit so that Junki could reach him, but he didn’t mind. He felt like he could almost - almost - feel Junki’s lips on his.
……
epilogue -
“I think I became a ghost because of karma” Keigo says.
He and Junki are sitting on Junki’s bed, with Junki sat against the wall, and Keigo sat between his legs, leaning against Junki. Kind of. He had to hold his own weight up or he’d pass right through Junki and bang his head on the wall.
“Karma?” Junki asks
“Yeah. Bad karma for not treating the people around me well enough.” Keigo thinks out loud. “So I had to stay in this house and watch them all day, every day, and notice how much better I should've treated them. Back when I was alive I just stayed in the house and didn't talk to anyone, which is the same as what I did after I died, only it felt a lot more painful after I died. Probably because I couldn’t talk to anyone even if I tried.”
“Do you think I’d become a ghost if I died?” Junki asks.
“Junki…” Keigo takes a sharp inhale of breath. “I don't know what you're thinking but promise me that you'll never-“
“I won't I won't! I was just thinking, you know? Just… Keigo... I want to touch you”
Keigo would very much like to push Junki down onto the nice comfy bed, but he unfortunately can’t. He just holds his arms wide and turns around to look at Junki as if to say ‘go ahead’
“I mean properly. I want you to feel my touch and I want to be able to feel you too”
If this had been a normal relationship, none of this would’ve been an issue, but when a relationship tried to bridge the gap between the dead and the living, a few problems arise.
Keigo can remember how things are meant to feel, so if he concentrates hard enough, he can convince himself that he can feel Junki. But he knows that Junki can’t feel him, at all. Keigo thinks for a moment.
“You know you said that you dreamt of me sometimes? When you slept in my room?”
“Yeah? Why, were you watching?” Junki asks teasingly.
In fact, Keigo was always watching Junki in the time when he disappeared. He watched Junki cry himself to sleep at night countless times, and on multiple occasions he almost made himself visible and reached out to Junki and hugged him tightly and asked him to take him back. Keigo decides not to answer Junki’s question.
“What was I doing in those dreams?” He asks instead.
“You were- okay this is embarrassing - you were like, laid next to me, stroking my hair or holding my hand, just cute stuff like that” Junki says kind of bashfully. He’s so cute.
“I think …. that might be because that’s what I was actually doing to you in your sleep.” Keigo confesses.
“Wait, so you did watch me sleep?” Junki asks, not forgetting his original question. Keigo loves Junki's stubborn nature, how be never gives up on what he believes in. More so because Keigo know that its thanks to Junki's persistece that they are together right now.
“Sorry. Just sometimes. I don’t have anything else to do at night, I can’t help it” Keigo pouts “And you look cute.”
Junki rolls his eyes. Since Keigo has opened his heart to him, Junki has found that Keigo’s playful nature entends to his flirting as well, which he does relentlessly.
Keigo also likes skinship a lot, and will constantly have a hand on Junki’s shoulder, or will be clinging onto him from behind, or lying with his head in Junki’s lap. Junki doesn’t mind though, because Keigo doesn’t weigh anything anyway, so he’s not heavy. Junki likes to joke that it’s like he’s actually possessed by a ghost. (To which Keigo responds: “Okay but for real though, you’d let me possess you if I asked nicely.”)
"So, you think that you can appear in my dreams?" Junki asks
"Maybe. I'm not sure though."
“So, what?” Junki laughs “You’re going to assault me in my sleep?”
“No~ well, maybe.” Keigo winks at him playfully “Can we cuddle when you go to sleep though?”
“Yeah, of course”
“I won’t do anything bad I swear. This is just for science.”
“~Just~ for science?”
“No~ I want to cuddle too!” Keigo pouts
- - - -
That night, Junki sleeps in Keigo’s bed - they decided Keigo’s bed would be better, Keigo insisted that he had a stronger presence when he was in his own room. He lies with Keigo cuddling next to him.
“Keigo, close your eyes. I feel weird trying to sleep with you watching me this closely”
“This is what I was doing before though?”
“I couldn’t see you then because you were being annoying and not letting me see you.”
“Sorry.” Keigo closes his eyes. He can hear Junki next to him breathing slowly, and he wishes he could feel the heat radiating from his body, and feel the air move as he breathes out, and feel it lightly tickle Keigo’s skin.
He hears the bedsheets rustle quietly, and a small kiss noise follows.
“Goodnight Keigo” Junki mumbles
“Goodnight Junki” Keigo whispers in reply, and kisses Junki’s forehead.
- - - - -
That night, Junki dreams of a sunny day, not too hot, not too cold. He is in the garden outside with Keigo, and they are laid on the small bit of grass. Junki feels the warm sunlight on his skin, the tickle of the grass, and also Keigo, lazily scattering kisses along his neck.
Keigo just holds Junki as he softly kisses his skin. Junki feels like he can finally feel Keigo's warmth.
- - the end - -