Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The day at the park with the kids left Harry with a heavy weight on his chest. He keeps turning Zayn's words round and round in his head, trying to make sense of it. Did he really do good with Noah? Is he well enough to go back? Harry's not sure.

But he knows that he wants to go home. In his heart, he couldn't be more certain about wanting to wake up next to his husband every morning, to play with his kids. To do all those things Sadie was excited about. To be there for Noah when he wakes up in the middle of the night crying out for him.

It's not easy, it's really fucking far from easy in fact and that's why Harry decides to wait. At least until his appointment with Dr Carrey. She'll assess his situation, his recovery. Harry still hasn't accepted that he might never get all his memories back. Thinking about it is like jumping into a pool full of barbed wire, Suspiria-style. How is he supposed to live on his life when he can't remember when he and the love of his life said 'I love you' for the first time? How can he go on when he can't recall Sadie's first words and Noah's first steps?

That is why Harry decides to work on his memory, intensively. He pulls up his journals, iCloud and all his social media, right when he gets back from the park. He asks his mum for an empty notebook and he starts documenting things, starting with when he and Zayn first began sleeping together.  He doesn't do a full timeline, just writes down bits and pieces that he remembers.

The first few months are pretty clear, Harry thinks. It has been seven years so the memories wouldn't have been terribly clear no matter what. He knows the basics - they started sleeping together, Harry fell head-over-heels in love and then they moved in together as they both started doing their masters. Things have come to Harry over the days since he'd woken up. It's just the matter of putting it all together like a really difficult 5000-piece puzzle.

He also makes a list, mostly with questions that he needs to ask, about aspects of his life that still remain muddy. Harry knows he will need to swallow his pride and ask Zayn about the very elemental things about their children. Their favourite toys, games, food, songs, colours, all those details that still elude Harry. He could ask the kids themselves but he isn't sure it would end well. Children throw tantrums about everything and the last thing he wants is to lose their trust. He could theoretically come up with a game where he would get that information but he'll deal with that later.

After two uneventful days full of doing an inventory on his life, Harry visits Dr Carrey. He goes with his mum because the appointment is just around the time when the kids are due to be picked up from camp and the last thing he wants is to complicate Zayn's life even more than he already has. Understandably, he's nervous and anxious and really fucking scared but it's necessary. God forbid he takes this too lightly and fucks up his brain irreparably.

And all his stress was pretty much unfounded because Dr Carrey is ecstatic at his progress. She had feared that his memory would be gone forever and apparently, what he's already gained back is more than she'd ever expected he would be able to retrieve. Which sounds pretty promising and encouraging. It's not enough for Harry, not nearly because it's easy for her to say that, she isn't the one with her life half gone.

Back at his mum's house, Harry starts reading his journal, post by post. He doesn't start crying, which he thinks earns him a figurative pat on the back. He's been a mess but it's getting better. Once he started calling the kids every evening and regularly texting with Zayn and his friends too, he hasn't been getting overwhelmed by emotions to the point where all he could do was break down and sob. Niall calls him every day on his lunch break, he's apparently a music teacher now but he does sing in pubs sometimes which Harry thinks is absolutely amazing. Jeff also FaceTimes him from the ever-sunny LA and not much has changed with them. Slowly, Harry regains his friendships with relatively new people too, at least for his brain. He talks to Sarah and Mitch and Adam too and they don't feel like strangers. He promises them that once he's back home and working, they'll meet up for a pint.

The journal is the best at giving Harry a semblance of what his life looked like, what his state of mind was. He wrote all of it, and it wasn't curated nicely for social media. His journal is uncensored, unabridged, mostly just for him to see. There are photos that are verging on erotic and then again photos that are vulnerable.

Harry starts off with the first post after his breakup with Xander. It's a photo of a bench in a tiny park near his uni flat where he and Xander first kissed. 'So this is over. Xander broke up with me. The dickhead even had the audacity to cheat on me, all because I was too busy working on my thesis to fuck him. I've been drowning my sorrows in lots of alcohol and sex with a man so fucking hot I wonder what I even found attractive in Xander. Note to self: casual sex is the way to go. Don't fall in love, arsehole. It never ends well.' Harry smiles at that.

Then there is a festival ticket, a polaroid of Niall with his hair dyed like the Irish flag, a ticket to a concert and then in September 2015, there are two polaroids - one of an empty flat full of boxes and another one of Zayn with his back to the camera, seemingly cooking in the kitchen of their new flat. The entry is quite long: 'So, jokes on me a few months ago. I did fall in love. Funny that. I haven't written about Zayn here, not really. I was wary. I wrote fucking odes about Xander and then it all went to shit and it's gonna be here forever. I didn't think this thing with Z would go anywhere, not really. We were sleeping together at first, just that and nothing more but then... I couldn't hold back any longer and I found myself drawn to him. We barely spent any time apart this summer. It was full of exploring cafés and cool places around London. There were shows and music festivals and some film festivals. Just lots of drinking with friends and having a good time. But around all that, I managed to fall in love with Zayn, irreversibly and tragically. I know that's dramatic but fuck it, I'm 21 I can be dramatic about falling in love. If I get my heart broken again, so be it. // In those polaroids, there's our new flat. Our leases were up and we both knew we were in love so why not move in together? We were already sleeping over at one another's places all the time so why not? It's been like three weeks and everything's great. Everyone said we would start fighting but we haven't been, not really. Well, there was one fight, when I wanted a schedule for like taking out the trash and cleaning and Z wanted to just do it as needed but it wasn't bad or anything lol. I hope I don't sound ridiculous but I could imagine us like this forever. It's foolish maybe, to be thinking about forever after a few months but you just have a feeling. My mum always said that when she was marrying my dad it just didn't feel right. But she also doesn't regret it because she has me and Gemma and obvi, who would regret having such great kids as us? Anyway, back to my love life. Jesus fuck, I sound like fucking Carrie Bradshaw. I bloody hope Zayn isn't my Big because I'm too lazy to go around running after him. So far, he hasn't shown any commitment issues like Big has so we're fine. It's weird. When I'm with him I just want forever. I never really wanted to get married or have kids. But my mind's not so made up about that anymore. I guess you just really have to find the right person. I hope he's my right person because whatever's going on right on, it feels really fucking good. (Not just the sex, obvi but cheesy shit like making dinner together and binging Netflix at night. It's so good.) Okay, well, that was a lot. Hope I won't eat my words in a few months when we break up.'

Well, they certainly didn't break up because most of the entries following that were about their relationship. Harry learns that they were really free-falling, both head over heels in love and they didn't really care about anything else. The entry from just after Zayn's birthday is the rare selfie of them, both grinning into a kiss. 'So apparently we're batshit crazy because we're getting married. Yup, we haven't finished our masters yet but who cares? We're in love, we're sure we want this to last forever so let's put a bloody ring on it. Niall said we're insane, mum is a bit upset that we're doing this so early but all is well. We wanna do it at the end of March when Easter break starts. Here's to not getting a fucking divorce!'

There was no divorce, and Harry hopes there won't be one in the future either. It's pretty clear they weren't slowing down anytime soon because a few entries later, there's a photo of Sadie. And that is when Harry's heart starts beating so fast he thinks he's having a heart attack. It's a simple polaroid of her in her crib, sleeping in a white onesie with daisies on it. 'We brought our baby home today. This is Sadie. She's sleeping right now and thankfully, she didn't wake up when I took the photo but still, I'm so fucking exhausted I'm not gonna say much. We love her a lot, she's beautiful and I can't wait to see her grow up. Now I'm gonna try and take a nap and I'll write about her here more when I get some sleep which may or may not be in three years.'

Harry bites his bottom lip, trying not to cry because he fucking remembers this. He remembers bringing Sadie home, so tiny and lovely. She was so small he was scared he'd accidentally crush her. Like a little bird that has fallen out of its nest. He remembers putting her into the onesie, the one with daisies that he was excited for her to wear. It was still a little too big on her but he just couldn't wait. He remembers putting her to sleep, still unsure how to do it, if he should just rock her or give her a bottle or sing to her. But she fell asleep before he had the time to contemplate it and then, somehow, he just wanted to document it. Quickly and quietly, Harry got his Instax from their bedroom and took a photo of Sadie. He wrote the entry right there in her nursery. He remembers the exhaustion of those first few days, how both he and Zayn barely slept because Sadie was a baby, after all, she needed to be fed every few hours. In their small flat, it was impossible not to be woken up by her cries, no matter where you were. But the happiness is palpable to Harry now. No matter how knackered they were, no matter how many poop explosions and spit-ups they had to clean up, they were just so fucking happy to have their baby girl home.

That's when Harry breaks and looks for his phone. It's quite late now and he's worried the kids could wake up but he needs to call Zayn. He just has to. Thankfully, Zayn picks up quickly.

"Haz? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Harry breathes out deeply, rubbing his nose. His eyes are itching from the tears trying to break out. He doesn't let them, not yet. "I'm fine, don't worry. I- uh, I wanted to talk to you."

"Yeah, okay," Zayn says. "What's up, babe?"

"Did I wake you up?" Harry asks. He starts fidgeting with the trim of his sock. "I can call you in the morning. Sorry."

"No, I was up," Zayn replies. "I was on the phone with my mum. Don't worry. I'm glad you called."

"Right," Harry clears his throat. "Um, I was going through my journal. And I, uh, I read the entry from the day we brought Sadie home."

"Oh, that was a good day," he can hear Zayn's smile. "I still remember her onesie with daisies. It was so adorable."

"Yeah, um, about that," Harry starts. "I remembered. That day. Pretty clearly. And just like... the time around that. How tired we were. How she was waking up so many times during the night."

"Oh."

"Can I-" Harry takes a deep breath as a tear finally slides down his cheek. "Can I come home? Z, can I, just, can I come home? I wanna be with you again. I don't wanna miss anything else."

Zayn sighs. Whether in relief or not, that'll remain unknown. "Fuck, of course, you can, Haz," Zayn says. "I've missed you, the kids have missed you so much. You don't even have to ask, just come home."

Harry nods, wiping his cheek quickly. "Yeah, okay. I'll, um, I'll come tomorrow morning. I'll get my mum to drive me. Don't tell the kids, yeah? It can be a nice surprise. It's Saturday tomorrow, right? They don't have camp."

"Yeah, no, they don't," Zayn agrees. "They're gonna be so happy to see you."

"I know," Harry smiles a little. "I just don't wanna be away from them. Remembering that bit with Sadie, I just couldn't... I couldn't stay here knowing that she and Noah are somewhere missing me, and I miss them too. I didn't want to be without you either. We're still married, even if so many of my memories are gone. I just wanna try."

"That's okay, love," Zayn says. "We'll try and we'll hopefully get things right. Sadie and Noah are the priority right now. We're grown men, we can deal with this somehow. But our kids, they don't deserve this."

"Yeah, I know," Harry sniffs. "So I'll see you tomorrow morning?"

"Yes, tomorrow morning," Zayn replies. "The kids will be done with breakfast by 9 AM so anytime after that, we'll all be glad to have you home again."

"That's good," Harry nods to an empty room. "Tomorrow then. Goodnight, Zayn."

"Goodnight, Harry."

When the phone call ends, Harry lets out a sigh and plops down against his pillows. He's going home tomorrow. He's finally going home and he doesn't feel like shit about it. He can do this. He can fucking do this. His kids need him, his husband needs him. Just as when they brought Sadie home, Harry will learn because he loves his children more than anything and that's all that matters. Whatever happens with him and Zayn is secondary. Harry won't let his kids grow up with an absent parent out of pure selfishness. He's been gone for long enough already.

xxx

Harry wakes up terribly early the next morning. He couldn't sleep well, with anxiety making his heart go insanely fast and his mind not giving him a moment of respite. It was all thinking and wondering what to do, how to act, planning and hoping for things to be okay.

So in the morning, Harry packs quietly as he waits for his mum to get up. There's not much, just the holdall that Zayn had given him when he was discharged from the hospital. It seems like an eternity ago now, especially with Harry's minor wounds and bruises slowly disappearing. If only the scars were on his body and not on his life, his family.

When Harry tells Anne that he's going back, she smiles at him and gives him a hug. Harry didn't give much thought how it was for her, seeing a completely different version of her son than she remembered. And she hasn't seen her grandchildren since before Harry's accident either. As far as he knows, they visit her often and Sadie did ask about gran once or twice. That's another thing Harry needs to fix.

Just after nine, Harry's sitting in his mum's car in front of his and Zayn's house. It's a simple semi-detached house in a nondescript residential area. There's a car parked in the driveway, one that Harry is familiar with now.

"Do you want me to go in with you?" Anne asks.

Harry shakes his head. "No, it's gonna be fine. I'll just... go home, I guess."

"It's gonna be fine, love," Anne puts her hand atop Harry's, giving him an encouraging smile. "They all miss you and you miss them too. Once you're home again, things will be easier. You can't throw your whole life away."

"I wouldn't," Harry frowns. "I just needed time."

"And no one's holding that against you," Anne affirms. "Everyone understands how difficult this situation is. But underneath all this struggle, you still have two lovely children and an amazing husband. So don't be scared to go back to them."

Harry nods a few times.

"I know you're worried more about Zayn than the kids." Harry looks at him mum in mild shock. He didn't expect her to be so blunt. "He still loves you, Harry. He might not show it well because he's worried about how you both will handle the kids now. So you need to try and show him that you love him still, if you do."

"He kissed me," Harry says quietly, almost in a trance. "When he dropped me off from the park. Just on the cheek."

"That's good," Anne smiles a little. "You know that you can call me anytime? At any hour?"

"I know," Harry nods. "So, I guess I have to go."

"You do."

"Thanks, mum," Harry says. "For everything."

"You really don't need to thank me, darling," Anne hugs him quickly and kisses his cheek. "Now off you go. Before Sadie sees us here and runs out screaming like a banshee."

Harry laughs. "Okay, going now. See you soon."

Harry hesitates once he's standing outside his house, with his mum already speeding down the street. Without the shelter of the car, he feels vulnerable. He can still majorly fuck up and that can have a negative effect on the children's development. He and Zayn can fall apart and their relationship can end in a divorce. But if he doesn't try, he won't know.

"Get your shit together, mate," Harry whispers to himself as he walks to the front door. He must look insane. "You've got this. It's your bloody family. You love them. Everything will be fine."

Harry rings the doorbell and soon enough, there's a significant amount of commotion from the other side. As soon as the door is open, Sadie comes running out, Noah following her at his slower toddler pace.

"Daddy, you're home!" Sadie screams and Harry doesn't hesitate to pick her up as soon as he's dropped his bag. "I missed you so much! We're gonna paint our nails and bake and we'll take pictures of Paul!"

"Of course we will, strawberry," Harry says and kisses the side of Sadie's head. "I've missed you, Sadie. How are you, baby?"

"I'm good," Sadie smiles. "Can you put me down? I have to go get Paul."

Harry chuckles. "Of course." He places Sadie down again and it's just in time for Noah to come in shouting 'Daddy, daddy!' again and again. So he has a different kid in his arms now, this one much less chatty. And he finally notices Zayn, who's leaning against the wall near the doorway, watching them with a slight smile.

"Hi," Harry tries to grin.

"Hey," Zayn smiles. "The kids saw your mum's car through the window. Barely kept them in."

"It's okay," Harry says and jostles Noah in his grasp so he doesn't fall. "What's the plan for today?"

Zayn shrugs. "Whatever you want. I do believe Sadie will keep you more than busy."

"As she should, I've been gone a while," Harry huffs and tries to laugh. "Can I come in?"

"Oh, yeah, of course," Zayn shakes his head, peeling off the wall. "I've no idea why we're standing around in the doorway for all our noisy ass neighbours to see. Sorry, Noah, you didn't hear the a-word. Don't repeat it. Come in, Haz, I'll grab your bag."

"Thank you," Harry smiles a little and walks in. Just as he starts walking down the hallway with Noah still in his arms, Sadie saunters in, holding a black cat. So that's Paul. He's the one character that has been mostly absent from Harry's memory. There's probably one too many cats in his life to remember them all.

"Daddy, Paul wants to say hi!" Sadie announces. She doesn't stop in front of Harry though and walks right into the living room. Harry follows her and Sadie drops Paul in the middle of the room. The cat meows as he lands and then turns around, walking to Harry and rubbing his head against Harry's shins. Okay, that's quite nice.

"Hi, kitty," Harry crouches down and pets Paul. "You're a cute one, aren't ya?" Paul meows again, purring and then he quickly retires to a cat tree in the corner.

"We need to take pictures of Paul with your phone, daddy," Sadie says. She has plopped down on the black carpet in the middle of the room. There are some toys spewed around.

"Okay, we will, baby," Harry promises. "Noah, do you wanna play with Sadie?" As Harry tries to put Noah down on the carpet, Noah starts to wail. "Okay, that's a no then," Harry says quickly and cuddles Noah against his chest. He sits down in an armchair and watches as Sadie starts playing with some dolls while singing a song.

"Paul has an Instagram," Zayn's voice comes from the doorway and soon enough, he joins them all in the living room. He ruffles Noah's hair before he sits down on the couch. "That's why Sadie wants to take pictures."

"Really?" Harry frowns. "Our cat has an Instagram?" Now that's one thing Harry didn't think he'd ever do. Pet Instagrams can be fun, but most of the time they're just cringy.

"Yep," Zayn nods, a small smirk on his lips. "And he has like 12,000 followers. He's a proper influencer."

Harry scoffs loudly. "You're messing with me. Our cat's an influencer?"

"I promise I'm not joking," Zayn laughs. "We've got like, sponsored stuff for him and what not. This one company sent us a litter robot for him a year ago. He's regularly gifted stuff."

Harry can't believe this. He shakes his head. "No, that can't be. Really?" Zayn nods, a grin on his lips. "Who made the account?"

"It's linked to your personal account," Zayn says. "But we both kinda did. You manage it now but back when he was a kitten, we shared it."

"Oh my god," Harry breathes out. He gently pulls Noah's hand from his necklaces. "We have an influencer cat. What is even my life?"

"A never-ending adventure," Zayn grins. "But he is quite funny."

"Daddy, can I have your phone, please?" Harry's eyes go to Sadie on the carpet, who has now lost interest in her dolls. "I want to take pictures of Paul." Harry manages to pull out his iPhone from his back pocket and open the camera for her. "There you go, Sadie. But just photos, okay?"

"Okay, daddy," Sadie snatches the phone and there she goes to the cat tree. Paul is contently licking his arsehole. Sadie doesn't care much and keeps taking photos of him.

"You weren't joking about Noah," Harry says after a while, breaking the awkward silence that has fallen over him and Zayn. "He doesn't want me to put him down."

"Is your wrist bothering you?" Zayn asks.

Harry frowns. "No, not now. No-No, darling, do you wanna play?" Noah shakes his head and goes back to chewing on Harry's shirt. Harry looks at Zayn. "I don't know s-h-i-t about childcare at this moment but this can't be good."

"He'll be fine soon," Zayn dismisses it and grabs a dino toy from the carpet. "Noah, babe, look who's here." Noah does indeed turn his attention to the toy. "Is that Bruno the brontosaurus? Do you wanna play with him and his friends?" And just like that, Noah's reaching for the toy, Harry's shirt and necklaces abandoned. Zayn takes him out of Harry's hold and puts him on the carpet, where Noah contently starts playing with the rest of his dino toys. Harry only then notices that they don't have a coffee table, only three matching end tables by the couch and armchairs. The whole living room is decorated in a quite retro style, something around the '60s and '70s. Harry doesn't feel like he's in a strange place in the house. He knows there's a study behind the french door leading from the living room, that used to be a dining room. The kitchen is now a dining room too and it doesn't have a door, only a doorway from the hallway. He knows there are four bedrooms upstairs. Very vaguely, he remembers going around charity shops and various websites, looking for the cheap yet chic vintage pieces for the house. And Harry loves it. The circumstances with which they bought the house and decorated it aren't clear to him but he just feels good there. Nothing is strange or alien to him, despite not explicitly knowing everything. It's not a huge house, or flashy, but it's cosy and welcoming.

"I love our house," Harry says, voicing his inner monologues. "Really love it."

"You're responsible for the majority of it," Zayn smiles timidly. "All this took a lot of Pinterest boards and thrifting and Ikea trips. It would've been much more fun if we didn't have a small baby too."

"When did we move in?" Harry asks. "I noticed from like, my photos and journal, that it was when Sadie was quite small still."

"Um, kinda," Zayn nods. "Our old flat was really small to raise a kid in so after you were promoted to like, a regular therapist, with proper patients and not just with the tiny cases, and after I did my PhD and started lecturing full-time, we decided to get a house. Sadie was around a year old when we moved."

Harry hums. "It's still kinda strange to me, how I just jumped into proper adulthood like that."

"It was strange, yeah," Zayn chuckles. "I've been trying to make sense of why we were like that back then for a long time but I can't. We fell in love and I guess we wanted to build a life together. It came naturally. Not for a moment did I think it was crazy when you said you wanted kids before we had even finished uni. It made sense. Like, yeah, we got married and then kids felt like the next step but not because of... whatever we're supposed to do, we just wanted it. Our entire relationship was like, fast-forwarded. At least it seems like it now. It didn't at the time."

"Well," Harry clears his throat. "I guess I should thank myself for all this. Because I'm really happy to be back home, Zayn. I really am. I won't be just like I was, at least not for a while but we have two amazing children and I couldn't live with myself if I let them down."

"You won't, Harry," Zayn shakes his head softly, smiling. "Parenthood just came naturally to you. I know I must seem to you now like the better parent out of the two of us, but trust me, I'm normally the one more likely to forget the lunchboxes or to give them too many biscuits."

Harry laughs cautiously. "You don't have to worry about that because right now, I don't even have a clue what they eat or when. So I guess Sadie and Noah will enjoy a bit too many biscuits for a while."

"I'm more than fine with that," Zayn chuckles. "I'm not a big fan of your whole clean-eating thing but I guess it's better for us all, like health-wise."

"See?" Harry gestures with his hand. "This whole retrograde amnesia thing might even have some benefits."

Zayn's face drops and Harry wants to eat his fucking words. Zayn clears his throat. "If you wanted, I'm sure there are some like, notebooks and folders with nutrition stuff and basically child-rearing. You have some books too. It's all in the study. You did a ton of research when Sadie was a baby."

"Thanks," Harry says, his face red. "I, uh, I'm sorry. It's too early to joke about this."

"We'll get through this somehow, Harry," Zayn sighs. "As long as Sadie and Noah are fine."

Harry nods silently, looking at the floor. Within a minute, Sadie's asking for him and from then on, Harry's thrown into the routine of his past/current life and there's really no going back. She asks him to post a photo on Paul to his Instagram and Harry's once again shocked that their cat really has 12,304 followers. He posts a photo of Paul licking his arse and writes, 'Sorry for the break in posting. Things are going back to normal, slowly but surely. Paul doesn't care much because he's a cat.'.

Then there's a lunch to be made, games to be played, snacks to be given and Harry isn't completely lost. Zayn is distant and the kiss from a week ago now seems a lifetime ago. Harry tries not to let it get to him because there are other improvements. He successfully made lunch, after insisting that he can do it, even if he had to consult an old notebook from the study with recipes. It's fine, plenty of people use cookbooks and recipes for cooking.

Sadie and Noah don't make Harry feel like he scarcely remembers his life. They give him cuddles and kisses and don't mind that he's a bit slow at understanding their games. He and Sadie do their nails together and it actually makes Harry feel better, not having chipped nail polish.

Zayn makes dinner while Harry plays with Sadie and Noah, and it's actual work, trying to keep them both from running wild around the house. Harry truly understands now why the term 'terrible twos' was coined. They eat dinner outside on the patio while Paul is trying to catch moths. It feels great, and Harry has this tingle in his chest, as if his soul was trying to say that yes, this is okay, this is fine, you're doing well. He has the attention of his children but there's still a fucking Grand Canyon between him and Zayn.

They do bathtime together and Harry puts Noah to bed, while Zayn does the same with Sadie. And then, Harry's hopeful, thinking they would sleep together in the same bed, in their bed but when Harry leaves Noah's room, Zayn's waiting for him in the corridor.

"The guest room is a bit of a mess," Zayn says. "We wanted to redo it and move Noah's room there so he has more space. Didn't get to start with it because, you know."

"The guest room?" Harry frowns.

"Yeah," Zayn looks at the floor for a moment before lifting his head. "Today has been a lot on you. Don't wanna stress you out more by, like, marital stuff. We'll be fine. Night, Harry."

Before Harry has the chance to protest, Zayn is gone and Harry's left alone. He won't be stressed out, he just wants his fucking husband back. And Zayn has said he wants Harry to be home again so what the fuck is this?

Harry takes a confident stride towards the master bedroom before he halts. He can't start a fight right now. The kids are asleep and fighting before they have even reconciled is a stupid idea. Harry won't get Zayn back by being a brat. That's not someone Zayn loves, should love.

So Harry breathes in deeply, takes the defeat and retreats to the guest room. It's fine, he tells himself. They still have time. Harry hasn't been back for even 24 hours. They'll be fine. They have to be. Harry won't let his marriage fall apart so easily.

xxx

Harry could barely sleep in the guest room. The space itself was nice, with a large vintage bed with a towering headboard that took over most of the room but Harry couldn't bring himself to sleep. In the meantime, he found a recipe for an easy walnut cake he could make with Sadie and also answered some of his queries from the notebook, just from his observations. He has a plan, kind of, and he's not letting his family slip through his fingers.

The morning routine the kids have was easy enough for Harry to understand. Potty, brush their teeth and face, get dressed, breakfast. But over breakfast, Zayn dropped a small-ish bomb on Harry.

"Niall's coming over for lunch," he said as he tried to convince Noah that blackberries were as tasty as all the other berries he loves.

Harry stopped in his tracks and let Sadie finish cutting the rest of her pancakes. "What?"

"It's Sunday," Zayn said plainly. Noah was finally eating. "I believe I've told you that we normally get lunch together on Sundays, if we're not with our families. You don't have to worry, it's casual. Just normal lunch."

"Um, okay," Harry says, not believing his own words. "I can cook?"

"Okay," Zayn nods. "I actually have some work to do. I extended my leave but my class has an exam this week so my inbox is full of students begging for advice and stuff."

"That's fine," Harry tries to smile. He's fucking lost. "Sadie and I can also bake a cake, can't we?"

Sadie nods, her mouth full. "I'm gonna be your helper chef!" she giggles after she swallows her food. Her small fork is more in the air than on the plate.

"That you will," Harry wipes a bit of almond butter from her cheek. "I found this yummy recipe for a walnut cake last night so we can make that. But I haven't seen any walnuts in the pantry so maybe we'll go on an adventure to the shop first." That's quite brave, taking Sadie out somewhere. He could definitely forget her in the shop. There's a million things that could go wrong.

"Yeah, Noah's allergic to walnuts," Zayn says then. "Don't think it's the best idea to keep a walnut cake around."

Harry turns to him with wide eyes. "Oh my god," he leans his forehead into his palm, his heart dropping down to his stomach. "Is there anything else I should know about before I accidentally kill my children?"

"Daddy, that's mean," Sadie says offhandedly and goes to drink her tea.

"Accidentally, baby," Harry remarks before turning his attention back to Zayn. "So?"

"Harry, don't be dramatic," Zayn says quietly. "They're not allergic to anything else. I should've told you but we don't keep walnuts in the house, I didn't think it would be a problem."

"Yes, but you couldn't forsee me finding the worst possible recipe and being a danger to our children," Harry scoffs. "It's not your fault that I'm an unfit father and worse than a teenage babysitter."

"It's no one's fault, Harry," Zayn says sternly, his gaze burning. "Were you supposed to just hide from them forever and have them visit you twice a month as if we were divorced and I had custody? We both had to learn how to take care of them, we didn't just magically acquire that knowledge when we had Sadie."

"Fuck, of course, not!" Harry raises his voice. When he realizes he has three pairs of eyes staring at him in shock, he slaps his hand over his mouth.

"Daddy said a bad word!" Sadie gasps theatrically and starts giggling.

"Yes, I'm sorry, Sadie," Harry sighs. "I'm not gonna do that again."

Sadie just shrugs and goes back to eating her pancakes.

"Haz," Zayn says softly. Harry turns to him. "This is hard for everyone. But everyone's here to help you. Don't punish yourself and disregard your progress because you forgot something. You forgot a lot of things that used to be important, or still are. But that's what happened and you're not gonna change anything by being angry with yourself. Just ask me about things. You can't beat yourself up into remembering all the details."

Harry gulps. "Okay, yeah," he clears his throat. "Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me," Zayn says. He stands up after that and takes Noah out of his highchair. "I need to get started with the work I have but I'll take Noah with me so you and Sadie can wow us all with some culinary masterpiece, right Sadie?"

"Yep, dad!" Sadie says enthusiastically. "Can I get a kissy?"

"Of course you can," Zayn smiles a little and kisses Sadie. "Be good for daddy, okay?"

"I will," Sadie nods. "Bye-bye No, bye, dad."

"Bye, darling," Zayn kisses the top of her head before he leaves with Noah. And Harry's left there with Sadie and a lunch to make.

"So, what would you like for lunch today, strawberry?" Harry asks Sadie.

Sadie hums. "I want a kish."

"Kish?" Harry frowns.

Sadie nods with a grin. "Yes, daddy. It's like a pie but it's like a pie with scrambled eggs!"

"Oh," Harry leans back in his chair. "A quiche?"

Sadie nods again. Great, so now Harry has to learn how to make a fucking quiche. As if trying to be a good father again wasn't enough.

xxx

Harry ends up consulting the internet. He quickly finds a recipe that looks easy enough so he doesn't monumentally fuck it up. Right, a pasty, some eggs, vegetables. At least Sadie isn't a mini Gordon Ramsay and didn't ask for a bloody Wellington or something. That would've been more difficult.

He engages Sadie too because frankly, Harry has no idea how to watch her while also cooking so he will take a messy kitchen over a hurt child, thank you very much. They must bake together often because, in one of the drawers, Harry finds a tiny rolling pin and other pastry tools. Sadie takes them all out with great enthusiasm so he has his answer alright. They make the pastry together and Harry gives some to Sadie to make whatever she wants out of it. Some tartlet pans were hiding in a drawer and Harry gives three to Sadie, along with total creative freedom. It does keep her occupied while he makes the filling and blind-bakes the pastry.

Sadie ends up making three wonky tartlets, or mini-quiches as she says, one for her, one for Noah and one for Paul. If the dinner the night before has told Harry something it's that their cat adores human food and nothing will stop him from getting it. Paul himself turns up in the kitchen just at the right time to entertain Sadie when Harry starts cleaning up. He wanted to maybe make dessert but he decides to take it easy. There must be ice cream in the freezer, it's summer. That should be enough.

Niall arrives just after 1 PM with a bottle of white wine and one of his bear hugs.

"It's good to see you here again, mate," Niall says after he squeezes all the air out of Harry. "Where's your man and kiddos?"

"Sadie's feeding Paul some meat tubes, Noah's with Zayn so they're both in the study," Harry replies. "Come on in, they're all gonna be here in a moment."

Niall follows Harry into the kitchen dutifully. "So how is it back home?"

Harry sighs deeply, his hands on his hips. "Um, good, yeah. I think."

"You think?" Niall furrows his brows and plops down in a chair at the dining table. "How don't you have a clear answer for that?"

"It's hard, Ni," Harry says and takes the oven mitts from the kitchen island. "I'm a horrible dad. I wanted to feed Noah walnuts when he's allergic. Zayn probably wants to leave me but he won't do it because he's too good of a person for that." The oven lets out a puff of steam and temporarily fogs up everything. But the quiche isn't burnt so Harry deems it a success. "Everything's shit, mate. And I don't know how to fix it."

Niall goes to say something but before he can, Sadie runs in from the conservatory and immediately starts climbing into Niall's lap.

"Jesus," Niall huffs and helps Sadie up. "Hello, Sadie, a little warning would've been nice. Uncle Niall's getting old. Harold, why do you have two of the clingiest children in the universe?"

"Excuse me, Niall," Harry scoffs. "They're both amazing. Being loving isn't a character flaw. Sadie, give uncle Niall a kissy."

"You're encouraging this!" Niall exclaims scandalously as Sadie starts blowing a raspberry onto his cheek and giggling. "You little rascal, you're just like your daddy. You wanna sing some songs after lunch?"

"I do!" Sadie screeches. "At camp, we learned a new one! It's so cool! It's about racoons."

"Racoons?" Niall frowns, looking at Harry. "Do we even have racoons in England?"

"I've no clue," Harry shrugs and puts the quiche on the table. "Haven't seen any."

Moments later, Zayn comes in with Noah and if Harry was any more paranoid, he would think he's avoiding him. He doesn't mention it and sets his mind on making the lunch as normal as possible. He asks Niall about his music classes and Harry truly learns the extent of summer schools and classes and camps. His summers were always spent at home, usually with some grandparents too when his mum had work, not at an educational institution. Some parents are overbearing and Harry fears he might've been one of them too. Still is maybe.

Harry's pleased to find he didn't fuck the quiche up and what's even better, he's finally allowed to drink. Because of the medication, he was taking for his concussion, alcohol was a big no-no and that fucking sucked because all Harry wanted to do was get blackout drunk. The two glasses he drinks over lunch aren't anywhere near that but still, it's good enough.

After lunch, Harry's left alone in the kitchen after offering to clean up. He spent almost two weeks away from home, it's only right he takes on a few more household duties now. Soon enough, music and laughter start coming from the living room and Harry's never felt so lonely. He's in his own house with his two beautiful children, with his husband and best friend and Harry feels lonelier than he's ever had before. He stares into the soapy water in the sink, his hands lost in the bubbles when the first tear falls.

Harry takes a deep breath, sniffling and he keeps on washing the dishes. The tears haven't halted in their journey but it's just too much. He hears the sound of the guitar and singing and laughing and it's like he's the only person left in the world, everything else just a vision, a ghost from the past. But it is a bit like that, isn't it?

Harry needs to talk to someone, someone that isn't here, isn't seeing the carnage. When he's dried and put away the dishes, Harry grabs his phone and texts Jeff to call him ASAP. And it's like the fucking universe hates him because Jeff promptly texts back that he's heading into a meeting so he won't be able to for a few hours.

So Harry might be avoiding his family, tattering around the kitchen aimlessly until Sadie calls out to him, "Daddy, where are you? We have a new song!"

"I'm coming, baby!" Harry calls back and quickly wipes his face with a paper towel. He puts on a smile, that hopefully doesn't come out as a grimace and heads to the living room. Sadie coordinates him and tells him to sit on the couch because that's the audience apparently so Harry has to sit next to Zayn and feel even lonelier than before. Niall's pulled out a guitar from somewhere and he skillfully engages Sadie and Noah in a song. Sadie's a right performer, while Noah just jumps around a bit and giggles between shouting out a few words from the lyrics he knows.

Harry smiles at the kids because it's impossible not to. They're happy and they're having fun and Harry loves them so fucking much it hurts his heart. He doesn't need to remember much past the bits and pieces of similar days like this to adore his children. They're still his kids.

In the middle of the song, Harry is startled by a touch at his waist. At first, he thinks it's Paul slinking around but then he spots the cat sleeping on the back of an armchair and realizes that it's Zayn. And he's wrapped his arm around Harry's waist, effectively nearly stopping Harry's breathing. He would swear that his eyes started ringing, everything going blurry except for the visceral feeling that's holding him hostage. Harry does something brave then, but it's something he fears would've taken his soul if he didn't do it. He leans into Zayn, dropping his head on his shoulder. The fragility of it keeps Harry from moving, almost from breathing too. At any moment Zayn could pull away and this bubble of a life past, love lost would be gone.

"Are you okay?" Zayn whispers.

Harry breathes in, closing his eyes for a second. "I'm okay now."

Zayn's hand tightens on Harry's hip and the world is whole again. Harry's astounded at how two simple sentences were able to say so much. He wants this back, he wants the full extent of their relationship, of their love back. This is who he is now. This is his life. And Harry knows he can't run from it. He can't.

xxx

The change Harry had hoped for doesn't come yet. In the evening, after another dinner outside, he finds himself in the guest bedroom again. By now, Harry's more than certain he won't be able to fall asleep so he prepares himself for the sleepless hours. He finds those folders and books about childcare in the study and also his work journal. Apart from getting "back" with his husband, Harry wants to return to work. He needs to, actually. They have a house and two children and they're not posh kids with trust funds they can live off of forever.

Paul joins Harry in the guest room and falls asleep at the end of the bed as Harry goes through all those books and notebooks in front of him. He reads a bit about nutrition in children, which is flabbergasting, kind of. At one point in his life, Harry sat down and did all this research, read all these books, just so he could provide his kids with the best possible care. It breaks his heart that he can't remember much of it but memories still keep coming back, in bits and pieces. It's a wildly strange process but Harry can feel himself moulding into the life he had before the accident, fitting back with his family. In the beginning, he felt like a wholly different person. He wasn't a dad, he wasn't a husband. But now he knows that he is. He wants to be a dad again, he wants to be with his children. Taking care of them is still a bit wonky from his side but he can get better, can't he? When Sadie was a baby he certainly wasn't a shining example of parenthood.

With his job, Harry's less confident and that's only because he doesn't remember much about his patient. Just as with his children, he's afraid he could hurt them by understanding their issues and problems in the wrong way and that could potentially lead to death. Harry remembers, more clearly than he'd like, talking a patient out of suicide on their vacation just weeks ago. Being a therapist isn't an easy job and although Harry remembers most of the things he had learned in uni, he needs to dedicate a good amount of time to getting familiar with the cases of his patients again.

His journal is an amazing source and he mentally thanks himself in the past for doing this. Whenever he got a new patient or stopped seeing one, there is a concise profile of all the why, how, what. Currently, Harry has a schedule that contains five to seven patients a day. Some people visit him twice or more times per week, some just once so all in all, he has a little over twenty patients in total. Which is still a lower number than he'd expected. He digs into his journal and takes a plain A4 paper for each one, writing down the most crucial details and things he needs to know. Like little flashcard for a test almost.

He does that for quite a while, hours probably, he doesn't check his phone. Paul moves into his lap at one point and stays there despite Harry writing constantly and reaching over the bed for different papers, notebooks and his laptop too. It's a good system and Harry's happy with it, even as his neck burns from the way he's sitting and he feels the inkling of a headache coming in. After god knows how long, he stretches his arms, moves Paul to a spare pillow and goes to use the loo. On his way back, he decides to check in with the kids. Sadie's soundly asleep and Harry doesn't risk getting closer past peering in from a cracked door in case he wakes her up. But he does walk into Noah's room and stands above his crib. Noah looks so sweet when he's asleep, his lips pouted and eyelashes casting a slight shadow on his face. His curls are a bit damp. He must be hot in the onesie in the summer heat. Harry decides to open the window for a while, hoping the night air has cooled and will relieve the remnants of the day's heat.

Just as Harry plops down into the rocking chair that's in the room, Noah begins to wake up. He murmurs and whines a little. Harry's picking him up before he has the change to starts crying.

"Daddy," Noah whines out and fists his hand in Harry's t-shirt. "Want daddy."

"Daddy's here, baby," Harry whispers and kisses the top of Noah's head. "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." He rocks Noah in his arms and thankfully, Noah doesn't start crying. When he gets his other hand into the hair at the nape of Harry's neck, he quiets down completely and presses his face against Harry. "Is that better, baby? Daddy's here, you don't have to worry."

At this point, Harry knows that trying to put Noah down would be futile. His clinginess would've been worrisome under any other circumstance but Harry knows enough that after this kind of trauma, it's only understandable. Noah is only two, he relies on routines, on having his parents with him. After Harry's accident, there was a bold change in it all, with Harry gone for a significant amount of time. Noah just missed his daddy and it was kind of traumatising to suddenly not have his daddy there when he woke up in the middle of the night or there was a different parent in familiar places but at different times. Harry knows that he's the one to drop the kids off, always, because he starts later at his job than Zayn and then Zayn picks them up because he's off earlier than Harry. It works and the kids are used to it. Noah's too little to understand this change, and many others.

Harry sits down in the rocking chair with Noah, who's slowly drifting off in his arms. He understands why he was so adamant about holding Noah all the time when he was a baby. It's probably the best feeling in the world, holding his children and now, he's savouring the moments. A few days after the accident, Harry was struggling to understand how he became the kind of a person who's sad about his two-year-old growing up. Well, now he gets it because he's painfully aware that soon enough, he won't be able to just hold Noah like this. Noah won't be a baby anymore, just like Sadie isn't. She has places to go, things to do and see, she's a busy young lady and Noah's gonna be the same, it's just the matter of time. So Harry savours every second, every kiss he leaves on Noah's head, every time he smells his hair. He kisses Noah's hand and lets his eyelids fall shut. He'll wait until Noah's asleep and then he'll retire to his tragically empty guest room.

And Harry really didn't mean to fall asleep. But at some point, he feels himself waking up after someone puts a hand on his cheek.

"Haz, wake up," Zayn says and Harry is close to freaking out because this feels like the hospital again. There's even some pain in his back.

"What?" Harry quickly opens his eyes. Noah is still sleeping against his chest. "Oh god," Harry sighs. His back is fucked. He shouldn't have fallen asleep in this damn chair. "What time is it?"

"Just after two," Zayn replies. "I went to the bathroom and saw the door open, then I found you two here. C'mon, your back will be a mess if you stay here."

"It already is," Harry huffs and stands up carefully so he doesn't wake Noah. "I came in to check the kids and to open a window for a bit because Noah was all sweaty. Then he woke up, almost started crying and here we are now." He puts Noah carefully in his crib and also opens the buttons on his onesie. He hears Zayn close the window and yeah, that's a good idea because now, there are probably hordes of mosquitos around the nightlight. Harry puts his hands on the side of the cribs, sagging. It's insane now how he thought at the beginning that he couldn't be with his children. He wants to go back in time and slap himself. But then, he didn't remember how lovely Noah looked when he was sleeping or how great it felt to have Sadie rope him into all kinds of activities and demand cuddles.

Zayn joins him at the crib and Harry doesn't even need to look, he just senses him moving to him, feels his body heat.

"Haz?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you really okay?" Harry turns his head only to find Zayn already looking at him. "I know you were crying earlier today."

Harry bites the inside of his cheek. "I felt lonely. In my own house surrounded by the people closest to me. There's so much distance between us, Zayn. I don't want that. Sadie and Noah are still my priority but it's easier with them than with us. I don't want to lose you. I know that right now, I'm not completely the man you married but for me, that doesn't change anything."

Zayn sighs. Harry thinks it's all futile but then Zayn puts his hand low on Harry's hip, almost on his thigh. "It's hard, Haz. I'm not- I don't want to make this harder for you than it already is by making you deal with our marriage."

"I miss you," Harry huffs. "I don't want- I don't want much. I just don't want to sleep in the guest room like a fucking stranger, for starters. This is our house, this is our family."

Zayn bites his lip. But then he nods slowly. "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable by forcing you to get back to everything so quickly."

Harry scoffs. "Uncomfortable? You're insane. I want to be with you just as much as I want to be with Sadie and Noah."

"Okay," Zayn nods again. "We probably need to communicate better."

Harry breathes out a laugh. "Probably." And because he feels invincible right now, he pulls Zayn into a hug. This is the most they've touched since the accident and Harry feels like he's in fucking sixth-form with a crush but it doesn't matter. They clutch onto each other and Harry loves how they just fit together. There is no need to coordinate, to try and figure out where to put their limbs because all this is still in their muscles, even if Harry's forgotten things. All the kissing and embracing and fucking and making love. It doesn't just disappear.

After a moment, they retire into the master bedroom together, holding hands. Harry sees their bedroom again and just as with the house, it's not unfamiliar. He doesn't need to go around rummaging the drawers and the closet to know that there's a "grown-ups only" drawer in his bedside table and a box with some memorabilia from the kids growing up in the closet. He knows that their closet is barely divided, apart from the underwear, shoes and trousers, since they end up sharing clothes all the time. And he knows that they got their bed from a charity shop online and a completely different bed was delivered to them, one that they kept and still have because they loved it more than the one they wanted initially.

With his husband's arm around his waist, Harry no longer has trouble falling asleep.

xxx

Over the next few days, Harry gets a clearer picture of how his life looked like before his accident. Having two kids is quite busy, with drop-offs and pick-ups and meals to be made and toys everywhere. But the busy rhythm of it all isn't unpleasant. Harry actually likes it and starts to identify with who he was, who he should be. He FaceTimes Jeff and Niall, texts a few other friends and that aids a lot with that, with basically getting to know himself again.

When the kids are at camp during the day, it gives him and Zayn a bit more time to collect all the important info Harry needs to function normally like before. Zayn thinks it's a bit of an overkill, especially Harry's notebook but nonetheless, he's supportive. So sneakily without the kids knowing, Harry relearns all about their favourite foods, toys and Peppa the Pig. These are things he should know, Sadie and Noah expect him to know. He and Zayn don't talk that much about their past. Harry feels a bit embarrassed to ask about such crucial details about their relationship. They still haven't even started kissing normally. Sure, Harry sleeps in their bedroom again and they hold onto each other at night, but the most he'll get out of Zayn is a chaste peck on the lips if he's lucky. It's like they were in their early teens again. But Harry doesn't push it. They'll get back to where they were, it'll just take time.

He and Zayn also focus a bit on their work, with Harry trying to learn all about his patients and Zayn answering emails and working on lesson plans and assessments. The system Harry came up with really works for him and he does think that he will be ready to get back to work soon. The more he finds out about these people, the more he starts to remember and even miss them. At first, he just connects the faces to the names but then Harry's hit by recollections of their hardships, their struggles and it fucking sucks that he's not there now to help them. Of course, they have someone else available for sessions but the trust isn't there, they don't have that relationship with other therapists. Harry knows that the link between a therapist and a patient is delicate and that is what drives him to try harder to get back to work as soon as he can.

All in all, Harry thinks he's doing really well. Until a few days later that is. He's sitting on the carpet in the living room with all his journals and notebooks, along with his laptop on the couch when Zayn comes in from the study.

"Babe, I have to go to the uni today," he says, sighing a little. "The exam is in like, not even two hours and Jenny, my colleague who was supposed to cover, got like food poisoning or something. So I need to go. And you'll have to pick the kids up from camp."

Harry freezes. "Shit," he breathes in deeply. "Okay, yeah. I can do that."

"Of course, you can," Zayn smiles a little and comes to Harry, tilting his head up and leaving a small kiss on the corner of his mouth. "I'm gonna take the tube because there's no way I'd get to campus on time with the traffic. The address to the camp should be in the GPS in the car, yeah? I'm gonna go change and I've got to run."

"Okay," Harry nods slowly. He's, well, fucking terrified. "Go on, don't want you to be late."

Zayn smiles at him and disappears up the stairs promptly. Harry doesn't have the time to register when he leaves because he's actively freaking out. The last time he drove a car, he totalled it and lost seven years worth of memory. But it's gonna be fine. It has to be fine. He's not going to put his children in danger. Besides, logically, the crash wasn't his fault. Not completely.

Harry paces around the living room for a good while to the point where Paul starts trying to catch him and bite his feet. He's too nervous and anxious to do anything worthwhile with his patients so he decides to busy himself with cleaning the kitchen. It's never in vain to clean a kitchen.

After that's done, Harry changes his clothes, finds the car keys and braves himself into actually getting into the car. He's not scared of driving itself, it's just the possibility of disaster. But as he sits down behind the wheel, he takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself. He turns the keys in the ignition, finds the address to the camp in the GPS, starts driving and doesn't get an aneurysm. Harry drives slower than what he would like but he actually wants to make it to the camp to get his kids. And he does. It takes longer than what the GPS told him it would and he's early but he's there.

Sadie and Noah are surprised it's just him picking them up but they're delighted and don't complain about anything. Harry keeps his eyes on the road on the drive back, drives slow and doesn't turn his sight anywhere else. He doesn't talk to the kids, just in case it'd distract him and it's not like they mind. Sadie is occupied enough with her iPad that Harry thankfully didn't forget at home and Noah is off in his own world with a dino plushie.

Harry breathes out in relief when he parks the car in their driveway, all of them in one piece. As soon as they're inside, the kids start begging for a snack.

"Daddy, I'm hungry," Sadie pouts as she pets Paul, who's sleeping in his cat tree. "I want a snack."

Noah follows his big sister. "Want a snack, daddy."

"Okay, darlings," Harry says and drops down their backpacks in an armchair. "What would you like?"

"I want an apple with peanut butter," Sadie grins. "And a juice box."

"Okay, baby, and you Noah?"

Noah smiles with his baby teeth. "Bubelies!"

Harry laughs and bends down to quickly kiss Noah, who's on the carpet playing with his toys. "Sure, babe." He stands up again, surveying the room. It looks safe. He can leave them there for five minutes while he gets them snacks. He just successfully picked them up from camp, that's progress, isn't it? "I'll be back in a pinch, yeah? Be good!"

In the kitchen, Harry quickly gets to work. He makes the same thing for Noah as well, because he figures that once he sees Sadie eating something, he's gonna want the same. He does put some blueberries on the plate for him too. Just as Harry grabs two juice boxes from the pantry and starts thinking about checking their lunch boxes from camp and washing them, he hears crying from the living room.

Nothing else matters then as Harry's heart jump into his throat and he runs to the living room. His hearing wasn't wrong because it is indeed Sadie crying. She's lying on the carpet, crying her little eyes out and wailing. Noah is okay, Harry thinks, because he's just sitting there, watching her cry.

"Oh my god, Sadie," Harry breathes out and rushes to her. He gets her to sit up slowly. She's clutching her left arm to her chest. "What happened, baby? What did you do?"

Sadie sniffs, snot running down her face along with huge tears. "I- I tried to jump like Paul and I slipped and fell and I think my arm is broken."

Harry's stomach drops. He feels like throwing up. "No, baby, that can't be, let me see," Sadie whines in pain as she lets Harry handle her arm gently and fucking hell. Her arm is clearly bruised and it's starting to swell. "What did you do, strawberry?"

"I climbed on the armchair," Sadie points with her good arm. Harry's shoulders sag. "And then I jumped. Like Paul. But I didn't land on all four."

"Oh, baby," Harry chokes out. Jesus fucking christ, this is bad. "We have to, uh, we have to go to the hospital, okay?"

Sadie is apparently braver than her own father because she just nods. There are tears streaming down her face but she's not sobbing anymore, only hiccuping softly.

"Okay," Harry stands up halfway, still leaning over Sadie with a hand on her back. He looks around, seeing that Noah's still going about his business. "Okay, baby, stand up for me. I think it's going to be safer if you walk."

Sadie stands up and starts whining. "I don't want to walk," she cries. "My arm hurts, daddy."

"Okay, baby," Harry breathes out deeply. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why did he think having two children under five was a good idea? What is he supposed to do with Noah now? Nevertheless, he carefully picks up Sadie, being very, very careful around her arm. "Does it hurt?" he asks her and Sadie half-shrugs. "Not any more."

"I love you, baby," Harry says and kisses her head quickly. She's so smart, he can't be thankful enough to have such an incredible child. "Okay, I think we need a... scarf or something for your arm. We'll go upstairs for a moment, okay?"

"Okay, daddy," Sadie lets out between her hiccups. Harry kisses her again and walks upstairs as quickly as he can without hurting Sadie even more. Only once he's in the master bedroom does he realise that he's left Noah downstairs alone and fucking hell, if something happens to him too, Harry will shoot himself into a star. He sits Sadie on his and Zayn's bed and rummages through the drawers in the closet. He finds a silk square scarf that may or may not be designer and fucking hell, when did he even wear this? It's completely irrelevant because it'll be a good enough sling for Sadie.

She's a perfect angel as Harry puts it on, only letting out a small whine, her tears still mostly silent. Harry's heart misses a beat when he realizes that she stopped sobbing loudly once he came to get her. It's his fault in the first place that she's hurt and that's what's like a knife in Harry's stomach.

"Okay, ready to go?" Harry asks Sadie who nods and lets herself be picked up again. Downstairs, Harry swiftly grabs the car keys, his phone and his wallet, hoping there's gonna be everything they need there. Noah is safe and sound and Harry asks him to walk, and to Harry's surprise, he does. Harry takes his hand as they walk to the car and Harry even has half the mind to lock the front door.

Once the kids are strapped in, Harry starts driving. He also starts hyperventilating because holy fucking shit, his daughter has broken her arm and is crying and it's his fault. And he needs to tell Zayn, oh my god, he needs to tell Zayn. Harry tries to slow his breathing as he tells Siri to dial Zayn's number and he's never been more thankful for AI than now. The phone goes to voicemail after a while. Harry calms his breathing enough to say, "Hi, um, oh god. Don't freak out or maybe do, I don't know. Sadie broke her arm. Probably. Most certainly. I don't know. We're on the way to the hospital, the one, um, not the one where I stayed the one closer to our house. I don't know how the f-u-c-k I know that but- Sadie and Noah are with me. Please call me back."

Harry tries to tell Sadie a knock-knock joke, that stupid one he uses when she's crying. Now she actually has something to cry over but Harry can breathe easier when she lets out a small chuckle.

They get there quicky enough and only once Harry's parked in the underground garage does he realize how erratic his driving was. He can't change that now but he realizes what year it is and that probably no one listens to voicemails anymore so he texts Zayn before taking the kids out of the car. Noah still doesn't whine that he has to walk and Harry counts that as a win. Sadie is still crying quietly but Harry's a bit hopeful. She has to be fine. He needs to be rational.

Sadie's admitted quickly and they take her in for an x-ray and other tests, asking Harry to stay in the waiting room. If he had been any more tired or pissed off, he would've argued with the nurse because no matter how horrible, he's still her father and Sadie is only four, she needs her dad. Regardless of that, Harry's left in the waiting room with Noah. Harry's sitting in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs with his face in his hands while Noah plays with blocks in the little play area. He's right next to Harry and seems content so far. Harry's gonna have to get him a snack soon somehow before he starts complaining, which he certainly will soon but for now, he's engaged by the novelty of the waiting room and the toys that aren't his. Curiously, there's no one else in the waiting room.

How could Harry be so fucking careless? Leaving his two small children alone in the living room? Worse things could've happened. Paul could've scratched them. They could've knocked the TV down on them, or god forbid a bookshelf. They could've broken something glass and cut themselves and bled to death. What the fuck? How could he do that?

"Daddy, daddy! Look!"

Harry lifts his face out of his hands to see Noah showing off a tower he made out of the wooden blocks. It makes him smile a little. "You're so smart, Noah," Harry says softly and reaches over to caress Noah's cheek. "Look at that tower, even I couldn't make one like that. I'm proud of you."

Noah smiles and mutters a small thank you. He takes a moment as he looks around the play area before knocking the tower down. Harry sighs and leans back in the chair. He closes his eyes and drapes an arm over his face.

"Babe?"

Harry has no idea how much time has passed when he hears Zayn's voice in the waiting room. He opens his eyes and immediately gets to his feet, walking to Zayn and throwing himself on him. The tears he's been holding back ever since he'd first heard Sadie cry finally come.

"I fucked up," Harry says quietly. "I fucked up so badly, Zayn, oh god. Sadie's hurt, they're doing an x-ray. I hope she's only got a broken arm, I- I fucked up. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"Shh, it's okay," Zayn says, rubbing his hand over Harry's back. "It's all good, she's gonna be fine. She's just a kid, Haz, they get hurt all the time climbing trees and what not."

Harry pulls away a little, shaking his head. "No, you don't understand, I left them alone in the living room while I went to the kitchen to get them snacks. And she just climbed onto an armchair and jumped and god, so many worse things could've happened. They're always in danger with me. I can't take care of them."

"Harry, don't say that," Zayn says fiercely and puts a hand on Harry's cheek. "Shit like this happens. Do you think we didn't leave them alone for a few minutes before? Every single night they sleep alone in their bedrooms. We're not around them 24/7. They go to camp, to a nursery. Our friends watch them. Just because you're their dad you're not a fucking... surveillance device. They're kids, they do stupid shit and get hurt sometimes, you can't stop it."

Harry keeps shaking his head. "This is completely different. I should've been looking after her."

"You were," Zayn insists. "You were making them food. How were you supposed to know Sadie is going to want to jump off an armchair? She could've done it while you were still in the room. Kids move incredibly fast. One moment they're here, next moment they're elsewhere."

Before Harry has the chance to protest again, a nurse comes in.

"Oh, hello," she smiles a little, quickly checking her clipboard. "You're Sadie's parents, right? There's not really anyone else."

Harry sniffs and detangles himself from Zayn. God, he must look a right mess. "Yes, it's us."

"So, Sadie's fine, she did great," the nurse says, probably reading the room and seeing how distressed Harry is. "She does have a broken arm, it's a small and simple fracture but we're gonna have to put a cast on it. You can go see her now if you want or just wait here with your other kid, it'll be just a moment."

Harry looks over at Zayn. "We can't leave her alone anymore."

"No, of course," Zayn agrees. "I'll just get Noah and we'll go to Sadie, okay?"

Harry nods briefly. His breathing is heavy and his eyes flit around the room, trying not to make eye-contact with the nurse who's waiting for them. It's already embarrassing enough that he was crying here like he was the four-year-old with a broken bone.

When Zayn's got Noah, they follow the nurse to a room nearby, where Sadie's sitting on a bed with a plushie. God, Harry didn't even bring a toy with her. Zayn did tell him that Sadie loves her elephant plushie that they got for her when they adopted one online through WWF. And Sadie often carries it around when she's not treating Paul like a plushie. Fucking hell, it just gets worse.

Sadie isn't crying anymore, her arm in a plain hospital sling and when she sees them come in, she smiles.

"Daddy, dad, I can have a pink cast!" she calls out cheerfully. "And I can draw alllllll over it!"

"That's amazing, darling," Zayn says. He lets Noah sit on the other bed in the room that's conveniently empty. "You're such a strong girl. Will you have superpowers after they remove it?"

Sadie hums. "I don't know. Maybe my arm will be gummy like that doctor in Fantastic Four!"

"Maybe," Zayn nods. "Does anything hurt?"

Sadie shakes her head. "The nice lady gave me a... inchection and a candy."

"An injection, honey," Zayn corrects her. "Did it hurt? Was it like a bee?"

Harry stands a bit away from them, his arms crossed in front of his chest. His nose is blocked, which only makes his breathing even harder than it already is. He can't act like everything's okay now, like he's not the reason why Sadie is in a hospital right now. He fucked up, there's no way going around it.

"Daddy?" Sadie breaks Harry out of his own mind. "What colour cast would you have?"

Harry swallows, trying to hide his glum mood. "Um, I think just a plain one. And I'd let your dad draw something on it, probably."

Sadie turns to Zayn again. "Dad, will you draw something on my cast too?"

"Of course, babe," Zayn smooths her hair. "Anything you want."

As Sadie starts going off about what she wants on her cast and whatnot, the doctor comes in and soon enough, Sadie's in a cast. She doesn't start crying, thankfully, because Harry doesn't know what he would've done if she did. Sadie was in pain because of him, she won't be able to go swimming for the rest of the summer, she will be inhibited at camp and she could easily develop chronic pain from this and it's all because Harry's an unfit parent.

He just wants to turn back time. It's impossible, he knows, but Harry would give anything to go back to that day and to not sit into that car. To not get on the road, to not forget his entire life. Because god knows Harry wants to be home, he wants to be with his husband and kids but it might not be a viable option, at least not for now. Not when they're always at risk with him.

xxx

Harry keeps his distance from everyone for the rest of the day. In the car ride home, he's silent, only offering up a few hums and noncommittal smiles. Sadie is chatty again and Noah is fascinated by her hot pink cast, just as she is. It doesn't really matter since she's still hurt and her summer will be gravely affected by it. She's gonna still have her cast on her first day of school. While all the kids will be nice and dapper in their tiny uniforms, Sadie won't be able to wear it properly easily until October.

When they get back, Harry shutters himself off in the kitchen under the guise of cooking. He doesn't allow himself to break down again. He cleans up the uneaten snacks from earlier and makes dinner so he's useful at least for something.

Trying to figure out what he should do next is pretty fucking hard. Should he leave? Should he stay but distance himself from the kids? Take a class about child-rearing? One that he must've taken almost five years ago before they had Sadie? This is why Harry was hesitant to come home. He loves Sadie and Noah so much but he's forgotten too much, there are too many memories and instincts missing. Sure, everyone has told him what a great dad he was and it'll all come back naturally but fucking hell, it still hasn't and now Sadie has a broken arm.

Harry doesn't want to lose his children, he doesn't want to lose his husband. But maybe he has to. Maybe they'll all be better off without him. Perhaps he rushed back home too soon but that feeling that filled his lungs with tar and punctured his heart when he remembered bringing Sadie home, he just couldn't stay away. He couldn't.

Dinner is a silent affair, with the kids exhausted because neither of them had a nap in the afternoon. Harry keeps his conversation with Zayn minimal. He has trouble looking into his eyes after begging to come home and then causing all this.

When Zayn offers to give the kids a bath and put them to bed, Harry makes his way outside. He sits down on the steps leading into the garden from the patio, catching the last colours of tonight's sunset. Paul is with his for a while, purring against his side before he leaves and sits in a tree. Cats seem to have iron-clad composure. Harry wishes he could swap places with Paul.

In the summer night, Harry contemplates calling his mum and asking if he can stay there again for a while. Maybe for a longer while now. His throat chokes up and his eyes burn when he remembers Sadie's cries, her pale face as she clutched her arm. Harry'd never felt more miserable in his life than at that moment. The fear and horror that put a noose around his neck were like a million knives slowly slicing his skin, going down to the bone. He's supposed to protect Sadie, protect his little girl who's still so fragile to the world. He can't let her break her bloody arm in the safety in her own house. If she's not safe in their fucking living room, then where?

The sky is nearly all-black by the time Harry hears the conservatory door open. Zayn joins him on the steps soon enough, still maintaining Harry's heart-wrenching silence.

"Haz, it's not your fault," Zayn says quietly after a while. Harry doesn't look at him as he speaks. "It really isn't. Sadie has had scraped knees and elbows before. She's had cuts. She's a strong girl and she's so young. All kids that age get hurt while playing."

Harry chuckles morbidly. "This could've ended much worse. I'm supposed to look after her and prevent these kinds of things," Harry twists his neck to meet Zayn's gaze. "A few days ago, I wanted to feed Noah walnuts when he's allergic. Now Sadie has broken her arm. I shouldn't be here, Zayn. I'm not- I'm just not the person I used to be. I can't take care of two children."

Zayn shakes his head. "You can. And you have. Jesus Christ, Harry," Zayn huffs. "If this had happened before your accident, you would've been trying to make Sadie laugh and you would've dismissed the whole thing with the same arguments I've made. You never used to fuss around this stuff. You'd put some antiseptic on Sadie's boo-boo, make a joke, put a plaster or a bandage on it and call it a day. You once made up a whole fucking song about cuts and scrapes so Sadie wouldn't be upset. She was bound to break a bone eventually. It could've been at camp, it could've been while at school. It could've been literally anywhere. She's okay, Harry."

"Fucking hell, but I'm not that person now," Harry argues. He runs his hand through his hair. The shortness of it still feels strange. Sometimes he has the urge to put it up but he just doesn't have the length to do it. "I'm not that fun dad who makes up songs about small injuries. You said it yourself that I'm not the person Sadie and Noah know, you know. I'm completely different now."

"I know," Zayn says quietly. He looks to the side for a moment before meeting Harry's eyes again. "The first few days, you were a perfect snapshot of who you were when we started dating. On the outside, you were still my husband I've known for years. But then everything, from your speech to your mannerism, it was you at 21. When you didn't recognise Sadie I just wanted to fucking die because it was like you were gone. That morning, we woke up with our kids in bed screaming about some cartoon they wanted to watch. We snogged in the kitchen before you left and we wanted to try a new sourdough pizza recipe in the evening. And then I get a call from the police that you're in the hospital. Harry, I started thinking about calling my mum and asking how do you plan a funeral because that's where your mind unfortunately goes. But then you were alive, with only some minor injuries. Then you woke up and you were gone. The past seven years didn't happen to you. We didn't fall in love, we didn't get married, we didn't have children. I thought I'd lost you.

"But you started remembering some things. You kept trying to get back to your life, our life. And ever since that day at the park, it was you again, Haz," Zayn carefully puts his hand on Harry's on the step. "Truth is, you were never really gone. Since you've been home, it was almost like before again. It's still you, even if you don't remember everything. So what if you don't know what Sadie's favourite snack is? She'll eagerly ask for it. Noah is still so little, things with him change like the weather. You've always been a natural at this. We were so young when Sadie was a baby yet you never faltered, never hesitated. Yeah, you took your research seriously but you also took things as they came. Sure, sometimes you got worried, like when you asked her doctor about her face getting red when she cried. Even then, you made light of it and started calling her a strawberry. All this now, you're as tight as a string on a bloody violin. You're too anxious about everything. Bloody hell, you're the therapist here, Harry, you should recognise these patterns. It's still you, Harry. You're still Sadie's and Noah's dad. You're still my husband."

Harry draws a shaky breath. "You can't mean this," he gets out, his voice barely above a whisper. "You're only saying this to console me. I don't deserve that, Zayn. I fucked up."

"Jesus, we all fuck up," Zayn scoffs. "Okay, will it make you feel better if I tell you that one time, I grabbed the wrong kid at a playground instead of Sadie and only realised it almost at the car?"

"What?" Harry gawks. "You're making this up."

"I'm not," Zayn says. "It was years ago. It was like, February, Sadie was all bundled up in a million layers, she was like a tiny marshmallow man. I wasn't paying attention because I was barely awake. Around that time, it was really chaotic because I was finishing up my PhD and we were planning to move, plus we had a toddler. So I accidentally grabbed a completely different kid who was wearing a coat similar to Sadie's."

"Oh my god, what did I do then? Did you even tell me?"

"I did, yeah," Zayn chuckles a little. "And you laughed. Sadie was okay, everyone was okay. Sure, there were scenarios running around my mind like what if someone had kidnapped her? What if I were arrested for stealing a child if I hadn't noticed it wasn't my kid? What if Sadie had wandered off in that time and died somewhere in a ditch or walked into oncoming traffic? But, Haz, there's one thing in parenting that's a certainty - parenthood is really fucking unpredictable. Since the very first moment. You can't plan shit, you can't really control anything fully. You're doing amazing as a dad, Sadie and Noah love you and they're happy. They're better off with you here than away."

Harry chews at his lip for a while. "You think so?"

"I know so," Zayn says. "Noah cried for you every single night. It's like he just knew you were gone, even if I tried to lie to him and say that you were asleep. Sadie missed you terribly. I can't believe I'm letting the words come out of my mouth but you need to go with the flow. That's pretty much what we've always done and we have two happy, healthy kids. I told you, babe, I'd been wary at the beginning because I didn't know how Sadie and Noah would handle your memory loss and how you would handle being around them too. But when I saw you blowing Noah's nose, it was a done deal, I knew you could come home. You just need to go easy on yourself."

Harry sniffs, rubbing his nose with the back of his hand. "So you're trying to tell me that it's completely okay Sadie broke her arm because of me? That you're not mad at me?"

"Of course I'm not mad," Zayn furrows his brows. "And well, I'd prefer if she hadn't broken her arm, as she certainly would too but she didn't break her arm because of you. Did you tell her to climb onto that armchair so she can jump down like Paul?"

Harry looks at Zayn for a long while. When it's certain Zayn is serious, Harry replies, "No."

"Okay, then the problem is solved," Zayn shrugs a little. "Sadie is a firecracker, she's just like you. No one can tame her. And unless you were like, smoking crack in the bathroom when it happened, you can't think you're an irresponsible parent."

Harry chuckles a little, shaking his head. "So if I were doing coke, it would've been fine?"

"You know what I meant," Zayn rolls his eyes. "Either way, you weren't doing drugs, you were making the kids snacks in the kitchen. You can't hold yourself accountable for Sadie's broken bone when you were just doing what they both asked for."

Harry sighs deeply. "It's just so fucking hard, Z. Nothing makes sense because one moment, my mindset's like, okay I'm a dad, I need to do the laundry today because Sadie got her favourite dress dirty and she's gonna start asking for it soon. Then an hour later I start thinking about going to a party on the weekend and sucking you off there when I get drunk."

"That day at the café," Zayn smiles a little. His arm snakes around Harry's waist slowly. "It was like we were dating again. You had that same wide-eyed look and I'd swear your eyes twinkled like in a fucking Disney film. Your breath hitched when I touched you. It really was just like our first weeks, but admittedly with fewer blowjobs. But that was very short-lived."

"Do you think our marriage will survive this mess?" Harry asks carefully. The uncertainty of this one aspect was driving Harry insane.

"It will," Zayn nods a little. "I know it will because it's still you and I still love you."

Harry nearly chokes. "You do?"

"Of course, I do," Zayn replies, a hesitant smile appearing on his lips. "I didn't fall out of love with you. I'm just being mindful of your recovery, I don't want you to get overwhelmed. You're stressed enough about the kids. Our marriage can weather this for a little while longer."

This nearly feels like a dream. It's music to Harry's ears. He shakes his head, "I don't want our marriage to be in a bloody siege anymore. If you think I can be around Sadie and Noah without hurting them, I won't leave. I won't because I don't want to leave you either. All I want is for things to be normal again. It's so fucking hard but I've got a meeting with a therapist for myself next week. Hopefully, she'll help me with managing my anxiety about taking care of Sadie and Noah. Because I still feel like shit about today. There is a good chance I'm going to feel like that for a while. Regarding us two, however, I just need you to treat me like your husband again. That's all I need. Because everything's here already," Harry places his hand over his heart. "Everything. I might not remember all the important moments we've had but I remember enough to know that I love you and I don't ever want to leave you again."

Zayn's lips quick up in a smile. He puts his hand on Harry's cheek and pulls him into a kiss. And this one's a proper one, not one of those chaste pecks that always leave Harry craving more and more. The kiss doesn't feel like a first one, mainly because it isn't, Harry just feared it would but their lips and tongues move delicately together. They aren't fumbling, trying to figure out what works because they've been doing this for seven years now. Harry's memory might be shoddy as fuck but he's not forgetting how to kiss his husband anytime soon.

"Everything's gonna be fine," Zayn whispers onto Harry's lips when they stop kissing, just before he pulls away. "You couldn't possibly do anything that'd ruin us. I know like, marriage vows are a bunch of outdated shit but I did mean it when I promised you forever."

Harry goes back for a short kiss. "Do you think I was such an... intuitive and chill parent because we had kids so young? Marriage is one thing. Now I just feel like I should be more responsible? It might be my 21-year-old self just coming through."

Zayn breathes out a laugh. "No, you were like that just because that's who you are. It'll come out of from behind that wall of anxiety soon, I'm sure. Like, last night during bath time, you started making up songs again? You're not in a bad place, Haz. Your recovery has been so much better than anything I or Dr Carrey could have imagined."

"Okay," Harry sighs. "Okay, I'll listen to medical professionals. I'm not on the same level as anti-vax parents."

Zayn laughs brightly. Harry can't stop his own smile at seeing his husband finally happy. "Thank god you're not," Zayn sighs a little. "Do you wanna watch a movie or something? To just relax because we're both gonna go insane soon. Sadie and Noah are asleep, there's a baby monitor, you don't have to worry."

"Yeah, sure," Harry chuckles. "Show me a great film from the past seven years. I've been meaning to catch up on pop culture a tiny bit. And please, I need some wine."

"You're in luck, we have a really well-stocked wine fridge," Zayn smiles. He stands up, offering Harry a hand. "Where's Paul?"

"Last I saw him, he was in a tree."

It's pretty cool how Paul comes back right after being called out for. And people say dogs are better. Cats know how to pee and poop on their own so Harry's certain about where his loyalties lay. Even if the smell of cat food often makes him gag.

xxx

It's strange how fast things go back to a relative normal. Harry has his family back. Even if he feels like he doesn't deserve it, they're always there. All of them. While still clearly holding back a little, Zayn doesn't treat Harry like his second cousin who came to stay at their house. Sadie isn't mad at Harry about the broken arm, even if Harry is mad at himself and every time he sees the hot pink cast, his heart breaks a little more. Noah has his moments where the terrible twos come in and make him spill glitter all over the carpet, but most of the time, he's perfect and cuddly and really happy his daddy is back home. 

The days move quickly. Harry gains back the knowledge about just how quickly hours fly by when you have two small children. Despite Harry's anxiety, Zayn goes back to work the following week. Harry's terrified of being alone with the kids but thankfully, they're at camp the entire time Zayn is at the university. He busies himself in the empty house by learning more and more about his patients, re-connecting with friends and just doing the everyday things that need to be done like cooking. It's not a horrible routine, Harry thinks, but there is also a therapist appointment looming in the distance, bright red on the kitten calendar in the study on and the plain one on the corkboard in the kitchen. But therapy is what Harry needs in order to be fully himself again, to be the dad their kids need.

As he spends more time at home, Harry starts to disconnect from the 21-year-old he thought he was when he woke up. The stray thoughts about his old problems, which mainly included only partying and gigs, slowly disappear one by one. His memories are coming in at a steady pace but Harry's well aware that he's never going to get them all back. Many important moments and details will be lost to him, always, unless someone mentions them or Harry encounters the right photo or the right bit of memorabilia.

The morning of Harry's first appointment with Dr Brown, he wakes up ridiculously early. Zayn is still in deep sleep, pressed against Harry's back. Harry grabs his phone from the bedside table, nearly groaning when he sees it's just before 6 AM. Waking nearly an hour and a half before their alarm, it's pretty much a nightmare.

Harry wastes his time on Instagram for a good while until he feels Zayn stirring awake and eventually pressing a few kisses onto Harry's shoulder.

"Morning," Harry rasps and turns still with Zayn's arm around his waist. "How's the most handsome man in the world this morning?"

"Most handsome?" Zayn snickers. "Have you seen yourself, babe? Don't go throwing that around. And I'm good. Can't be bad waking up with you here. How are you?"

"Stressed as fuck," Harry sighs a little. "That's why I want to distract myself with this very, very fit man that happens to be in my bed."

Going back to being husbands and not just awkward roommates who shared kids proved to be easier than Harry had expected, especially taking into account the initial rift between them. Harry now understands what Zayn meant by saying that they were too codependent on each other. Because they are. Once Harry got a taste of what it really is like kissing Zayn and getting to touch him and waking up next to him, he couldn't get enough. He honestly admires Zayn's restraint because if the roles were reversed, Harry probably would've suffered a mental breakdown and wouldn't let go off Zayn from the first second he saw him lying unconscious in the hospital. But, well, each to their own.

Zayn's face quickly loses the easy smile. "Are you sure you can do this?"

"Of course," Harry assures him, placing his hand on his cheek. "I have to, Z. I know that communication between the two of us is crucial too but I need a professional. Just for the peace of mind, I guess. And I do need to work through things. This whole thing was just... insane. If I don't make proper sense of it, I'll never be truly okay again."

"I know," Zayn nods a little, covering Harry's hand with his. "I trust you. You're incredibly strong, Haz. Don't be discouraged by anything. I would've broken down already if I were in your shoes."

"That's bollocks," Harry laughs softly. "I would've broken down if I were in your shoes."

"Let's just call it a tie," Zayn says and takes Harry's hand from his face, kissing the back of it. "Both situations were shitty as fuck."

"You're right," Harry chuckles. "Do you wanna have a date night sometime soon? We can leave the kids with my mum for a few hours and have a bit of fun. So all this doesn't drive us crazy."

"You sure?" Zayn frows, his hand rubbing circles on the small of Harry's back. "You've been scared of just leaving them anywhere. Even camp."

"I know but I'm trying not to become that kind of a parent," Harry huffs. "I'm very slowly trying to go back to being that fun, carefree parent that I was before. A cool dad if you will. Besides, it's my mum."

"Okay," Zayn nods. "Also, you'll always be a cool dad. You can't lose that. As long as you're you."

"Stop flattering me, mister," Harry smirks and kisses Zayn quickly. "We don't have the time to spend the day in bed."

As much as Harry's dick wants to, they haven't had sex yet. A handjob here or there, one blowjob when Harry literally ambushed Zayn in the shower because he couldn't take it anymore, but no cock and arse action so far. Harry can't decide if the sexual tension that appeared once they started being normal around each other is a negative or a plus. But there's been a silent agreement that when they fuck again, it's gonna be good and drawn-out and all-consuming and not a quickie in the morning before the kids wake up.

"We can take advantage of that date night you mentioned," Zayn mumbles into Harry's lips. "Dinner and good sex. Not the worst way to spend the evening."

"Don't tell Sadie but I do prefer a dinner and sex over watching Inside Out for the 85th time," Harry remarks. "I can't remember all the times I've watched it with her and those are the only memories I don't really need back. But my brain still knows I've seen that film one too many times for my own good. Not to mention all the other ones. I don't remember what Noah's first word was but I somehow remember all the words to How Far I'll Go. How is that fair?"

"You're right, it isn't," Zayn smiles a little. "Admittedly, though, Sadie will be very impressed with your lyrical knowledge."

Harry laughs. "When life gives you lemons, make a lemonade I guess."

"I forgot to tell you last night," Zayn changes the topic. "For the first time ever, a student full on propositioned me. Despite knowing very well I'm happily married."

"No way," Harry gasps theatrically, slapping Zayn's arm gently. "Tell me everything. This is fascinating, I've always wanted to fuck a lecturer. I never got the opportunity to."

"If you want the technicalities, you're fucking a lecturer every time we have sex."

Harry scoffs. "It's not the same. Wait, have we ever fucked in your office? Because if we have then it's redeemed."

"No, we haven't," Zayn frowns, trying not to laugh. "I'm not trying to get fired. This isn't a film. Anyway, do you want to know or not?"

"No, no, I've shut up now, tell me," Harry grins.

"Okay, so, I had office hours yesterday," Zayn starts. "One of the modules I'm doing is a summer-only programme for students from abroad. And this one girl, she's a brilliant student too, she used to come in, just asking about the uni and she wanted to discuss the books we were reading in class. She was there every single time I had office hours. All June, up until your accident. And yesterday, she was all like, oh I've missed seeing you around here, these office hours were great, that kinda stuff. And then, out of nowhere she just said, 'it would be amazing if we could do this with wine and fewer clothes and space between us'."

Harry starts laughing so loudly he fears he's woken up the kids. "No fucking way. She said that?"

"Not verbatim but yeah," Zayn laughs. "And then I just told her that I'm married and she said she knows and that she didn't mind. Well, I do mind because I'm not keen on fucking a student."

"Jesus," Harry laughter dies out. "She has some balls on her. Zero shame. But on the other hand, I can't blame her. If you were my lecturer, I would've tried getting in your pants the first week."

"I wouldn't expect anything less from you," Zayn grins, his hand going lower and lower until he grabs a handful of Harry's arse. "Still, I wouldn't fuck you because that's misconduct."

"You're no fun," Harry says, his voice low. "Help me get off before we have to get up? If I come to Dr Brown's office this anxious and horny, she'll just chuck me into an asylum."

"Can't have you taken away from me again," Zayn mumbles, capturing Harry's lips in a deep kiss. Harry moans into it, trying to press his body as close to Zayn as he can. He's getting harder by the second, his morning semi going to full hardness. It's fascinating how effortless the physicality of their relationship has been. Harry doesn't know much about their sex life but his body unconsciously reacts in the right way, knows how to work with Zayn to get them off, to feel the years of love that have built a shelter around them when they're like this. When it's just them, kissing on the couch or cuddling in bed, the years missing and the trauma and the pain are nearly gone because the love is still there and nothing can make it vanish.

Harry's ready to shove his hand down Zayn's pants when a little voice he knows too well says, "Daddy, what are you and dad doing? Does it hurt?"

They probably got whiplash from how fast they pulled away from each other, panting and trying to cover with the thin summer blanket as well as they can.

"Sadie, how did you get here so quietly?" Zayn gets out, his breath short.

Sadie shrugs and climbs onto the bed, seating herself somewhere around their knees. "I opened the door. I woke up and I wanted cuddles."

"Oh, baby," Harry coos and despite being a huge cockblock, Sadie is still the cutest being in the universe. She may or may not share that spot with Noah too. "Come here, darling. Daddy will give you as many cuddles as you want."

Sadie gives him a wide grin, not hesitating for a second before she crawls over to Harry's open arms. She contently rests her head against Harry's chest, still a bit sleepy because she's not as chatty as usual. Her hot pink cast is digging into Harry's side but he's not gonna complain. She didn't have to have it in the first place, if he'd been more careful and she suffers through much more discomfort, having to wear it.

"Are you excited for camp today?" Zayn asks as he smooths down Sadie's bedhead.

"A little," Sadie replies. "We're playing football today and I don't like football. Can I stay home with daddy instead?"

"Sweetheart," Harry says miserably. "I wish you could but I have to see... a doctor today."

"Okay," Sadie says, her voice low. Harry tilts his head to see her face, only to have his heart broken a little bit by her pout.

"Sadie," Zayn says, his 'dad' voice on. "How about you go to camp for a little bit and then daddy will pick you up for lunch? How does that sound?" Harry shakes his head quickly, looking at Zayn in panic. Zayn pleads with his eyes, nodding his head gently at Sadie.

Harry sighs. He's fucking terrified of being alone with the kids after Sadie's injury. Especially since this means, he would have to drive them alone again. The car is still better than the tube because Harry's always had an irrational fear of one of the kids running onto the tracks and getting killed instantly by the train. And the bus is too inconvenient for the journey between the camp and their house.

But fucking hell, Sadie is sad and that is the last thing Harry wants. He's a dad, he's not a child.

"Yes, please!" Sadie says, perking up.

"So we'll have lunch together, huh?" Harry looks down at Sadie, smiling and trying to ignore his heart beating at an insane tempo. "What would you like, baby?"

Sadie hums, putting her finger on her chin. "I know!" she exclaims. "I want salmon."

Harry's eyebrows shoot up on his forehead. "Salmon?"

Sadie just nods, grinning. Zayn starts laughing. "Your daughter has a very refined taste and it's your doing, babe."

"Okay, then, salmon," Harry breathes out. "That means I'll have to go to the shops before picking you up."

"Can we go together?" Sadie cranes her head up at Harry. "I like the shops."

Harry sighs. Great, now, he'll have to deal with the fear of his kids being kidnapped in bloody Sainsburys. "Okay, strawberry."

"Yay!" Sadie cheers, nearly hitting Harry in the face with the cast. Honestly, it'd only be fitting.

Then there's the distinct sound of Noah crying coming from the neighbouring room. Harry sighs, shifting Sadie from his lap and kissing her forehead before he gets up and goes to Noah's room. Noah's standing in his crib, clutching the edge of it. When he spots Harry, he outstretches his arms to him immediately.

"I'm here, baby," Harry says in a gentle voice, holding Noah tightly against his chest. "Don't cry, Noah. It's a lovely morning, you don't have to cry." Harry walks with him to the window that's cracked open a little, the sound of birds coming in. "Look, baby, the sun's come up," Harry whispers to Noah, who turns his head and focuses where Harry's pointing. His dark curls are a mess and there are tears drying up on his face. "Can you hear the birds, Noah?" Noah nods softly. "They're singing a song for you, No. It's a new day, you don't have to cry. C'mon, let's go see dad and Sadie."

Harry walks back to the bedroom, finding Zayn and Sadie playing that ridiculous game where you try to kind of slap one's hands in a low-five way. It's very obvious Zayn is letting Sadie win. Since it's quite early still, they put on Oggy and the Cockroaches on Netflix for the kids. After an episode, it's time for all the routines and getting ready and making snacks. It takes a good while before Harry gets a relative moment of quiet with Zayn in the kitchen as the kids eat breakfast and they're drinking coffee at the kitchen island.

"Zayn, I don't know if I can be alone with them," Harry says quietly. "And fucking hell, going to the shops too? I can't handle that."

"Haz, don't worry," Zayn says softly, putting his hand on Harry's hip discreetly. "You were doing so fucking well before Sadie broke her arm. You can't let that just paralyze you. I know you're scared, and if it's too really much, just call me after your session or when you're at the shops or anytime and I'll come home, yeah?"

Harry breathes out. "I can't do that. I can't keep making you miss work because I'm a horrible parent."

"Babe, you went through a traumatic brain injury, fuck work," Zayn says. "You're more important to me. And you are not a horrible parent. You're an incredible parent and an incredible husband. Tonight, no matter what happens, I'll make you come so hard you'll see stars because you're literally the best and strongest person I know and I'm proud of you." Harry thinks he already sees stars when Zayn says that and he's certainly struggling to breathe. "Okay, you two, it's breakfast, not Play-doh," Zayn says nonchalantly, walking to the kids' chairs as if he didn't just nearly make Harry have an aneurysm. "Are you done, babes?"

Another thing Harry's learned recently is that the breakfast of parents is more often than not kid leftovers with copious amounts of caffeine. It's not the worst usually, especially when they have pancakes but today, it's just a few grapes and a chunk of a cheese sandwich. Harry doesn't mind because his stomach is so tight with stress he couldn't eat more even if there was a continental breakfast from a five-star hotel in front of him.

Zayn drives first and they take the kids to camp. Harry's nervous, tinkering with the music the entire time, trying to find something that wouldn't heighten his anxiety. He settles on Joni Mitchell's Blue. At camp, they kiss the kids and tell the staff at the drop-off that Harry's gonna be picking both Sadie and Noah up early. Then they go to the uni and Harry's once again breathing like a senior citizen after eight flights of stairs when Zayn kisses the living daylights out of him, right there in the car in front of the main building on campus.

"What if your students saw us?" Harry says with his lips red from kissing and cheeks red from embarrassment.

"Better for us, maybe it'll scare off everyone else wanting to shag me," Zayn smirks and he's gone too.

Now Harry has a huge fucking challenge in front of him. Going to therapy for the first time ever. This time, he won't be the one sitting in the chair, asking questions, he'll have to answer them. And it's pretty fucking terrifying.

Harry's actually never been to the building where Dr Brows has her office, even though they work for the came clinic and are technically colleagues. He's never seen Dr Brown herself.

A good thing that Freddie told Harry when he called to arrange the appointment is that he can still use his employee card for the parking nearby. It's at least one good small thing.

The clinic isn't very crowded, considering it's quite early in the morning. At least based on Harry's own schedule, people prefer afternoon appointments, especially the older ones. Since he has quite a few students within his patients, it's easier for him to start in the morning and be able to get home early enough to spend time with his family.

Harry's called into the office at exactly 9 AM. Dr Brown is probably old enough to be his mum but she's got sleek blond hair down to her breasts and immaculate red, matte lipstick. She's tall and thin and a bit terrifying but absolutely gorgeous still, despite some lines on her face signifying her age.

"So, please call me Toni," she says once they're seated opposite each other in identical brown armchairs. The office is simple, with similar generic furniture as Harry's office has, at least that's what he's able to make out from his shoddy memory. "Have you had a good morning? Please, be completely honest. No detail you find compelled to divulge is irrelevant."

Harry's a bit startled by the question. "Um, I had a really good morning, actually. I did wake up like an hour and a half before the alarm but, um, my husband and I, we, um-"

"Had sex?" Toni offers. "We're both adults here, darling."

Harry goes red. "No," he clears his throat. "Um, we just kissed for a while. Then our daughter, Sadie came in and she, um, wanted cuddles? Our youngest cried for a bit but the morning was good overall. I can't complain."

Toni nods, writing something down in her notepad. Jesus fuck, is that how people feel in therapy? Harry has given much thought about how to make his patients feel the most comfortable and make himself as non-threatening and non-authoritative as he could but he's never imagined the whole thing feeling like this.

"I have the basic details about your situation that Freddie has given me," Toni says, her shart blue eyes meeting his again. "But let's go back to the beginning. You were in a car accident. You wake up in a hospital. How do you feel?"

Harry breathes in, looking up and away, trying to escape Toni's gaze. How did he feel? "I, uh, I was a little in pain," Harry starts with the starkest memory. "Then I just wanted to see my mum. And my ex-boyfriend. My husband was there but I knew him only as kind of a mutual friend with my best friend? Not even that. I thought it was a prank at first but then I saw my tattoos and I knew all of it was real."

Toni nods shortly. "How did that make you feel? Not remembering your family?"

"Like shit," Harry chuckles sadly. "At first, I was still kind of in the mentality that I had back then when I was twenty-one. And it didn't go completely away until literally just like, these past few days. But then I started remembering some things and I just felt guilty. So much guilt I can't even describe it. I felt guilty because I couldn't be there for my husband, for my children. I wanted to go back but I couldn't."

"Why couldn't you?" Toni inquires. "If you missed them, why didn't you go back?"

"I didn't think I could take care of the kids," Harry replies. "Still don't think I can."

"Why?"

Harry sighs. "Because the first time I was alone with Sadie and Noah, Sadie broke her arm. I feel responsible for it, I am responsible for it. I left them alone in the living room while I was in the kitchen. Sadie wanted to jump off an armchair the same way our cat did and she fell."

"Do you think that makes you a bad parent?"

Harry bites his lip. "Maybe? I don't know, I love my children so much. I know that I was a good dad before my accident."

"Okay," Toni nods, jotting down something. "We'll get back to that, certainly. How about your marriage? How has that been?"

"Recently, really good," Harry smiles a little. "At first, Zayn was pretty distant but we've talked and he said he was just giving me space. He said he tried not to hinder my recovery by putting more pressure on me. I was focused more on the kids, still am, kind of. With Zayn, once we had a talk about it, getting back to where I believe we were, was quite simple. I know that I love him and I know that he loves me. I might not remember all of our anniversaries and inside jokes, but I don't feel as guilty about it as I do with our children. Zayn is an adult, he understands why I don't remember certain things. It doesn't mean that I love him any less."

"That's good, that's really, really good," Toni says while writing something down. "Most couples struggle so much after memory loss. It lasts years, easily. Has there been anything to suggest some detrimental cracks in your marriage? Current or potential future ones?"

"I mean, I don't think so?" Harry says. "We've been communicating really well and it's not like he'd go behind my back for sex or something. We are intimate."

"It doesn't have to be just that," Toni cocks her head to the side. "Sex doesn't always cause all the problems in a marriage. Your guilt regarding your children could be problematic in the future. He could view it as you not pulling your weight as a parent. Inequality in a relationship always leads to problems. How about your professional life?"

Harry tries to get his bearings. He wasn't mentally prepared for all this. "I, um, I want to go back to work next week, possibly," Harry replies. "I've been going through my notes constantly and I feel like I'm ready for it."

"That's great," Toni says, her face still stoic. "Talk me through how your recovery has been going. Chronologically, please. From the very first time you remembered something."

Harry tells her all that and by the time he's finished, taking quite long with the timeline because of Toni's questions, their hour is over and Harry finds himself walking out of the room again. At the door, Toni stops him with a hand on his elbow.

"I'm telling you this as a colleague, not your therapist," Toni says once Harry turns around to her. "I have one daughter. She's a couple of years younger than you. When she was eight, she broke both her legs at a waterslide. I went down with her at the same time, trying to keep her safe. We'll certainly talk more about all your problems with this, but just don't be scared shitless around your children because of one broken arm. They notice more than you think." With that, Harry's gently shoved out of the office and he's left gaping at the door. 

He collects himself quickly and heads out. It's a bit hard to stay calm as he drives to pick the kids up. But the meeting with Toni was good. The anxiety didn't disappear but now Harry understands its irrationality even more. Still, his feelings are valid. Going through all this, it's not easy. He was faced with a completely different life when he woke up banged up in a hospital. Despite quite quickly realising he loves his children and husband, and regaining some of his memory, Harry tries to fit into the life he had and there are still bits and pieces hanging over the edge of the space he'd carved out for himself in the world.

Sadie and Noah are ecstatic to see Harry, already waiting for him outside with a caretaker. The caretaker tells Harry that he's come just in time because they were about to start playing football. Sadie frowns at the mere mention of it.

Before they head home, they stop at a Sainsburys not too far from their house. Even if they don't really need it, Harry takes out a wheelie basket and puts Noah in the seat there. He figures that in case Sadie starts to drift too far away from him in the shop, he can just put her there too and keep them close. But Sadie is apparently a perfect child because she stays at Harry's side the whole time, doesn't throw a fit or anything. Only at the till does Harry realise that Zayn really was right when he called him a pushover because he gives into anything the kids ask for, something he never used to do before apparently. Zayn said that he was the parent who sneaked the kids an extra cookie and an episode of a cartoon, not Harry. He was the one keeping some discipline in the house, all while loving his children fiercely, and still sometimes spoiling them rotten so his rules about sugar intake and screen time allowance went mostly unnoticed by the kids. So when Harry sees that they have more snacks than actual groceries being checked out, he makes a mental note to revise some of those notes about nutrition and whatnot that he compiled years ago.

Harry's quite proud of himself when he gets the kids occupied in the kitchen with colouring books, along with some fruit pouches and lemonade so he's free to make that salmon for Sadie while keeping the kids in sight at all times. Yes, he's paranoid and yes, he's working on it. Better safe than sorry.

Zayn comes back just as Harry's finishing up lunch. His face lights up with a smile like a sky of clouds going away when he notices that Harry isn't, in fact, having a breakdown after the session and handling the kids on his own.

"Hi, sweethearts," Zayn greets the kids, kissing the tops of their heads before walking to Harry, whispering a 'Hey, babe', before kissing him. "I see that everything's fine?"

"Mostly," Harry nods a little, looking over at Sadie and Noah who are still more than happy with their markers and coloured pencils. "The session was really good. I'm seeing Toni again next week. And these two are magic. We should pat ourselves on the back for raising them. I never realised just how many toddlers throw temper tantrums in grocery stores until I saw like four today, all while our toddler was basically side-eyeing them."

Zayn laughs, watching Noah as he speaks. "Yeah, No-No isn't much for temper tantrums," he turns to Harry with a smile. "But he is very, very clingy. Now it's fine, I guess, he's only like that when he's sleepy but when he was younger, we could barely put him down."

"Still better than being pissy about every single little thing," Harry remarks. "How was uni? Anyone else trying to shag you?"

"It was okay. And no," Zayn scoffs. "I don't have people just throwing themselves at me every day."

"What am I then?" Harry teases. "A celery stalk?"

"You're tall and skinny," Zayn shrugs, an amused smirk lining his lips. "Might as well be. Just need to find the zip to your human meat suit to expose you."

"Ha ha, very funny," Harry says even though he does find this rather amusing. "Shall we have lunch outside? It's beautiful out, not too hot."

"Yeah, why not?"

Having lunch on the patio, it's just another one of those small, seemingly insignificant moments that make Harry appreciate being back with his family. These are the people he loves the most in the world, even if he feared he couldn't grow to love them again. Obstacles sure do come his way, and will continue to, but as long as Harry gets to have more and more of these moments, he will keep trying to find ways to overcome them.

He's maybe a smidge more appreciate when at night, once the kids are asleep and the bedroom door locked securely, Harry does indeed come so hard he sees stars. It just makes Harry more curious to fully discover the extent of the beauty of his and Zayn's sex life. If after two kids they're still like this, Harry has a lot more to get acquainted with again. Despite that, he's not complaining about that night's bit when Zayn fingered him while sucking his off.

xxx

Harry's office is a perfect time capsule. He did expect to be jumped by another glimpse into his life that his mind can't seem to explain to him. But the room is unnerving. There is a cup of an almost-finished coffee on the desk, papers strewn around in an organized mess. A few plants line the window sill, all of them looking alright. Someone must've watered them.

Harry remembers the room only vaguely. He's sure some memories will surface as he spends more time there. He picks up one of the many photo frames on his desk, smiling a little at a photo of his family, complete with Paul. It must be a recent one because Noah doesn't look too little. There is quite a few of them. Harry assumes they started appearing periodically as time went by. He recognizes a photo from his and Zayn's graduation dinner. Another one is of Sadie as a baby. More family photos. Some of just Noah and Sadie. There is even one of Paul straight up modelling like a trained cat, sitting on the fireplace in their living room with his tail twirled around his paws.

He has a small plastic noticeboard on his desk littered with post-it notes. Harry takes them all off one by one, reading each. He recognized his hand-writing but the tasks on them are not so familiar. Get dewormer for Paul. Call Katie M. to reschedule. Get coloured card paper for Sadie. Get movie tickets for 28/7, any film. Reschedule Jack's appointment to next week, email him the date+time. Pick up mail downstairs.

Harry feels a tinge of anxiety at the back of his neck, spreading down and all over his body but he would be lying if he said he wasn't excited too. This is all he's wanted to do, pretty much since he was in his early teens. He does remember a bit about his job but this isn't your basic run of the mill routine for him anymore. Before his accident, his job wasn't the most exciting thing in his life. From what he's gathered so far, he is passionate about his job so it's not like he viewed this as a boring desk job that paid the bills but slowly killed his soul.

Harry's phone chimes in with a new text just as he's got his notebooks ready on a small side table next to the armchair he occupies during the sessions. It's from Zayn but he isn't the first one to text him today. He's got some texts from his mum and Gemma, Niall and a few friends too. His co-workers also sent a couple of well-wishes into the group chat they apparently have. Harry nearly teared up because he saw just how lucky he is to have so many incredible people around him. He's grateful for them, especially for the support they've given him since the accident because it hasn't been exactly easy breezy.

Zayn's text says, 'Good luck today babes x. Are you sure you don't want me to pick you up after you're done?'. Harry texts back, 'Thank you love xxxx and no, I'll be fine :) Love you xx'. They left together in the morning, dropped the kids off at camp and then Zayn dropped Harry off at the clinic. Since one of their cars had been totalled in the crash, they can't completely go back to the old routine. Before, Harry used to drop the kids off because he started work later than Zayn and then Zayn would pick Sadie and Noah up. It worked great, as far as Harry's been made aware.

Harry sits down in the armchair, taking a big breath and putting a notebook in his lap. He's not quite sure what to do but he'll get there eventually. He knows he will. His first client for today is a nineteen-year-old named Kaylee. Harry briefly looks over the notes he made about her situation, keeping the notebook at hand just in case. He'll try his hardest because these people need him, all at varying degrees. Still, they trust him and expect that he'll help them. That is precisely what Harry intends to do. He might not remember much but memory loss can't take one's empathy away.

It's not long before the door opens and a slight, brunette girl walks in. She gives Harry a weak smile as he greets her, quickly walking to the other armchair and sitting down. Kaylee drops her backpack on the ground and nervously looks around, rubbing her hands over her thighs.

"It's good to see you again, Kaylee," Harry says, trying to sound calm and collected and like he knows what the fuck to do. "I'm sorry about the large gap between our meetings. I believe you've been notified about what happened?" Kaylee nods swiftly, giving Harry a quick look before averting her gaze. "Have you used any other services that the clinic provides? Online support or a meeting with someone else?" Kayle shakes her head, now drumming her fingers against her thigh.

Okay, this approach isn't going to work.

Harry leans a bit forward in his chair, his elbows on his knees. "You don't have to be worried about anything, Kaylee, okay? You won't be required to repeat a single thing you've said to me before. I'm fully reacquainted with our conversations and I'm here to listen to anything else you want to tell me. Does that sound okay?"

Kaylee visibly relaxes, resting her back against the armchair for the first time since she sat down. "Okay."

"Great," Harry smiles a little, leaning back too. He knows she doesn't like it when he takes notes as they speak so he puts his notebook away. "How was the middle of summer for you?"

"It was good," Kaylee says in a small voice. "I think. I went to see my grandma in Blackpool."

"Oh, your grandma lives in Blackpool?" Harry tries to be cheery. "That's like having a holiday home there. I wish my nan lived by the coast and not in the middle of nowhere somewhere in East Midlands," he chuckles. "Anyway, were you feeling alright? Has there been anything you really wanted to tell me?"

Kaylee bites her bottom lip. "I felt alright. I told mum I've been seeing you."

Right, the overtly-religious mum who doesn't like therapy and modern medicine. "How did she react? Does she know you're here today?"

Kaylee shakes her head. "She doesn't. But she wasn't too bad. She just kind of... sighed and told me to never see you again because I'll start thinking I'm an atheist and then I'll go to hell. My older sister Nancy told her off. She lives alone, had a good job so she just does whatever she wants."

Harry raises his brows in surprise. Not a good reaction but what the fuck? He clears his throat. "Okay, well, that's your mum's opinion. I haven't been on an anti-religion campaign recently, have I? I mean, my household doesn't practise any religion but I've got a couple of crosses on me so I can't possibly be doing the devil's bidding."

Kaylee chuckles a little. "No, you haven't. It's alright." Harry only then notices a necklace with a cross and an icon of some saint around Kaylee's neck. "Mum loves us despite that."

Harry sighs a little. "How about uni? Have you decided where to go?"

"Um, yes, I think," Kaylee nods. "I want to go with my insurance choice."

"That was the uni in Wales, right?" Harry frowns, almost reaching for his notebook before Kaylee nods, instantly happier. "Yes, I'm gonna be doing Biomedical Science."

Harry tries his best to hide the smile. He's supposed to be aloof. "You seem really happy about that."

"I am," Kaylee says, blushing. "I know my mum doesn't agree with this but I will have student loans and a maintenance loan. And my dad promised he'd cover the rest of my finances."

"Have you seen your dad recently?" Harry asks, remembering the bit about her parents' divorce. 

"Last week," Kaylee replies. "Along with his girlfriend. I don't really like her."

"Why is that?" Harry prods.

Kaylee looks down at her shoes. "She's just... being too nice to me and Nance. Like an evil stepmother from a fairytale."

"Why do you think it's just an act?" Harry cocks his head, hoping Kaylee will meet his eyes again. "Has she done anything that would prove that you can't trust her?"

"I don't know," Kaylee slowly lifts her head up. "She just... bought us ice cream? Nancy is 24."

"Well, what's wrong about ice cream?" Harry shrugs. "Everyone likes ice cream. It's summer."

"Yes, but-" Kaylee sighs deeply. "I don't know. She just kept asking about things. Where I was going to uni, how did Nancy like her job. Dad was just sitting there beaming at her."

Harry takes a deep breath, hoping he doesn't monumentally fuck this up. "Could this be just because you are not used to a mother figure being attentive past her own needs? Does your dad's girlfriend have kids?"

"She doesn't," Kaylee shakes her head, looking at Harry, a bit alarmed. "What did you mean by that first thing?"

"Well," Harry threads carefully. "You've told me before that you feel like as if your mum never really asked you how you were, how you were doing like, mentally. But then she'd come and throw all her emotional problems at you. Talk about disagreements with her brother. Maybe your dad's girlfriend is just a little awkward around you because she's never really been around children. She's trying to gain your trust the only way she can. Not all step-parents are evil, Kaylee. I had a wonderful step-dad. I kind of even liked him more than my own dad."

Kaylee chews at her bottom lip again. "You think?"

"Yes," Harry replies easily. "But I haven't met either of them. I'm just going by from your emotions and feelings, from what you've told me."

"Okay," Kaylee nods. "I mean, I've met her only just like three times."

"Give her a chance," Harry says. "But protect yourself as well. Don't open yourself up to her if you don't feel comfortable doing so. At the same time, don't shut yourself off completely. Listen to yourself. I know it sounds hard when I say it like that, but you are in control of this relationship. You don't have to be best friends."

Kaylee nods. She takes a pause before speaking again, "I had that nightmare again."

Harry freezes for a moment before he remembers his notes. Kaylee came to him almost two years ago after she had an abortion. She was seventeen and nothing horrible lead to it. She had a boyfriend who was kind and even despite using protecting, this unfortunately happened. Kaylee's sister acted quickly and took her to get an abortion and ever since, Kaylee had been periodically having nightmares about being slathered in blood and her mother calling her a baby-killer, despite the fact that her mother never knew. It all came from her religious background but she's made huge progress since.

Kaylee nearly ran out of his office after she had overheard Harry on the phone just before their session and learned that he had a three-month-old baby at home. She later admitted she had feared he would too judge her for it.

"When exactly?" Harry asks.

"About two weeks ago," Kaylee replies. "I didn't cry this time."

"I'm very glad to hear that," Harry says softly. "I probably say this every time, but it's just assurance. You know that you're not guilty? You didn't kill anyone, Kaylee. It's your own body and you and only you decide what to do with it."

"I know," Kaylee nods. "I'm just- I'm still scared my mum will find one day and never speak to me again. She would never forgive me. Never."

"She won't find out," Harry tries to reassure her. "Only you and Nancy knew, correct?" Kaylee nods. "Do you think Nancy would betray you?" She shakes her head. "Then you have nothing to worry about. You're safe, Kaylee. Focus on how far you've come since then. Focus on all the great people in your life that would never judge for your decisions."

The rest of the session with Kaylee is mostly talking about preparing for uni, for living alone for the first time and having the freedom she never had at home. She leaves less nervous than she came in and tells Harry that she's glad he's back and he's okay.

When Harry takes notes about the session afterwards, he is pretty pleased with how the day is going. He's ready to take back another part of his life that was snatched away from him.

Harry returns home just after 4:30 PM, taking the tube alone as if he were in uni again. It's a nice blast from the past but now he finds himself thinking about hugging his kids, playing with them and snogging the living daylights out of his husband, instead of wondering where he's gonna drink that weekend. He loves his life, he does. He might have to see a therapist for himself too, in order to accept the astronomical disturbance in his life in the form of retrograde amnesia and to convince his thick brain that he is, in fact, a capable father and husband, but that doesn't take away from anything.

Sadie and Noah run towards him as soon as he opens the door, shouting about cuddles and kisses and camp stories. He cuddles them properly, kisses them maybe a hundred times and then also kisses his very, very handsome husband.

They don't have time for each other because the kids want to play, then they need dinner, then it's bedtime but once Sadie and Noah finally soundly asleep, Harry and Zayn enjoy a bit of peace and quiet in the conservatory with all the doors and windows open, a bottle of wine and a record played crooning some tunes.

"How was your second first day at work?" Zayn asks, the hand that isn't holding a wine glass in Harry's hair.

"Really good," Harry smiles. "I had sessions with five people, all of them went well. I had to seek the broad knowledge of my revision notebook only once. I kind of loved it, actually."

"I'm really glad you're back there," Zayn says and kisses Harry's temple. "Your job makes you really happy, even if it could be hard too. Just helping people like that, you're literally glowing. Even if you used to let it really get to you sometimes and you were stressed and sometimes even hopeless, you pushed through. It's one of my favourite things about you, your passion for this."

Harry cranes his head and leaves a fleeting kiss on Zayn's lips. "I love you. I really, really do. I couldn't get here without you. I'm not even kidding."

"Oh, that was all just my selfishness," Zayn jokes. "I wanted my sexy husband back."

"Sure you did," Harry chuckles. "Oh! Something got me thinking earlier today."

"What?"

"During the lunch break, a co-worker came in to see everyone, she's on maternity leave and she brought her baby," Harry says. "Super cute baby, that little one. But I was just wondering, before all this mess happened, how many kids did we want? Are Sadie and Noah it?"

"We never really said exactly how many we want," Zayn shrugs. "But I am under the impression that you wanted more."

Harry hums. That'll have to be revisited later when he feels like he can handle the two kids they already have. "You know that date night I mentioned?"

"Yeah?"

"How does Saturday sound?" Harry grins a little. "I have a pretty good idea."

"Of course you do," Zayn chuckles. "Where do you wanna go?"

"That's a secret," Harry winks. "You'll have to wait and see."

xxx

They don't go anywhere on Saturday. Harry comes up with a better plan. On Friday as he leaves the clinic, he stops by for some groceries and wine that are very much not included on their normal shopping list. Then around 4 PM on Saturday, he gently kicks Zayn out with the kids and a box of pralines for Anne, who will watch Sadie and Noah for the night, leaving the house empty for the grown-ups to do whatever the fuck they like.

Harry felt like having a romantic dinner at home is better than going out somewhere to a posh restaurant and basically spending good two hours of their evening in the car or somewhere on public transport. He has grown to love their house again, this place in the world carved out just for them that exudes warmth and love. It's only fitting their first date night post-accident is there. They've grown so much as individuals and a family in this house, made a home out of it and it's just a special place to them. Of course, they are most likely going to move in the next few years into a bigger place as their family expands but this will always be their first house.

So Harry cooks a fancier meal than normal, forages the house for as many candles as he can find and sets a pretty romantic scene outside on their patio. Paul is very interested in the changes to his preferred environment outside and sniffs nearly every candle. Harry laughs at the cat, who he most likely won't be able to keep away so it'll probably be a romantic dinner for three. Unless he wants Paul's meows to soundtrack the night instead of the record player. Just as their children, Paul can be pretty clingy when it tickles his fancy. Especially when human food is involved.

Everything's ready by 6:30, so Harry just covers the food so it doesn't get cold (and Paul doesn't get his paws into it) and hops in the shower. One benefit of the short hair he's sporting now it's that it requires significantly less time for drying than his long locks. Still, he kind of misses the length. He might grow it out, just to give it a shot again. He started to like his new wardrobe, he might feel the same about the hair.

Harry's dressed and honestly, a little bit nervous when Zayn comes in at exactly 7 PM (Harry might've threatened him with setting a hungry Paul loose on his if he came back even a minute earlier). And fuck, it feels a bit too much like a first date. They've been married for five bloody years, Harry better get his shit together.

"Why's everything so dark?" is the first thing Zayn says when he comes in, Harry still coming down the stairs. "Have you joined a coven when I wasn't looking? I don't think it's full moon."

"Oh, shush," Harry scoffs and comes to Zayn, wrapping his arms around his neck. "I'm trying to be romantic, alright? Hi."

"Hey," Zayn smiles a little and kisses Harry quickly. "What am I in for tonight?"

"A lovely dinner cooked by yours truly," Harry grins. "And some surprises."

A crash comes in from the kitchen. Zayn's eyes go wide in amusement. "Is that one of them?"

"No, I think I forgot to close the dishwasher," Harry sighs, extracting himself from Zayn and walking to the kitchen. And just as he thought, Paul's meows are distinctly coming out of the dishwasher. After Harry pulls him out and shuts the door, he tells Zayn to go outside and grab the wine from the counter. Harry takes out their plates ready with the food from the oven, where they were kept for warmth and general safekeeping because it is not Paul's dinner.

"What made you think of this?" Zayn asks as he pours wine into their glasses, the food already in front of them. The only light illuminating the scene is coming from the candles and a string of lightbulbs that is a permanent fixture in the garden, helped out by the darkening sunset. All in all, Harry thinks he did pretty good.

"I dunno," Harry shrugs. "I just wanted us to spend time together, you and me and no one else. A restaurant or someplace like that isn't exactly it, yeah? And..." Harry breathes in deeply, breaking eye contact for a beat. "I wanted to do something nice for you. As a thank you for being there for me and helping me get through everything after the accident."

"Babe," Zayn smiles soppily and reaches over to grab Harry's hand in his. "There's no need for that. You're my husband, I wouldn't abandon you because of this. Besides, you have done so much of all this yourself."

"I know, but still," Harry insists. "The first few days, I was seriously thinking about not going back home. Sure, I felt like shit because of how sad Sadie looked in the hospital and also because I knew there was Noah as well, who missed me too. I know it's horrible but I considered leaving this life behind and moving onto something else. If it weren't for you, I don't think we'd be here right now. I'm really, really grateful that you took me back as I am, even though I wasn't quite myself, wasn't quite the man you remembered and loved."

"I'd always take you back, no matter what, Harry," Zayn says. His thumb is drawing circles on the back of Harry's hand and Harry's heart is fluttering as if he was a teenager. "I fell in love with you when you were twenty-one. I'm sorry I was distant but it wasn't because of the lack of love I had for you, it was only to make your recovery as smooth as possible. I didn't want to put you into an even more stressful situation. The long-term results were what was important to me. I didn't want you back for a week, I wanted you back forever."

That last sentence, those simple words, nearly make Harry fly off his chair and run around the garden like a madman because fuck if he isn't head over heels in love. "You're honestly perfect, Zayn," Harry beams at him. "Not even joking."

"There's plenty about me that's far from perfect," Zayn chuckles. There's been a silent agreement that it's about time they started eating their food because it's actively getting colder and nastier right in front of them. "But let's keep it poetic and say that we're perfect for each other."

Harry rolls his eyes theatrically. "For goodness' sake, I forgot I was married to an English professor and a writer."

"Alright, touché, but I don't write poetry," Zayn laughs.

"Not even for me?"

"Especially not for you, you're a menace."

Once they're done with dinner, it's quite dark and a bit colder. And that's when Harry pulls out his first surprise.

"Where did you find this?" Zayn laughs as Harry presents him with a blunt instead of dessert. "I didn't think we had any left."

"I believe it's from our anniversary trip," Harry replies and grabs a long lighter from the window sill outside that he used for the candles. "I was going through the bathroom drawers the other day and found it. I hope the weed's not stale. Wait, can it go stale?"

"I think so," Zayn says. "But we don't keep it around for too long so it can't be that old. In a house with two little kids who are way too curious for their own good, it's better to get rid of it quickly."

"You do the honours," Harry passes the long lighter over to Zayn, who gives him a weird look upon seeing it. Harry shrugs unapologetically. 

They've moved to the ratan sofa that's on the patio by the time they actually start smoking. Harry has a moment of regret because this only makes him think about uni more but whatever, uni is well in the past. Now he's lighting up not with his pissed friends but with his husband.

"Why did you marry me?" Harry asks after some time of chitchat and reminiscing and joking around. The weed's started to hit him and he's genuinely curious. Enough of his brain-to-mouth filter has been removed.

"What?" Zayn laughs around the smoke, coughing a little. "Why did I marry you?"

"Yeah," Harry shrugs, twisting on the sofa so he can lean one arm on the back of it. "Why'd you marry me? We were young as hell. Still in uni. We hadn't been together for a single year."

"God, Haz," Zayn chuckles, his shoulders sagging. "I don't know, I loved you. At first, I thought you were joking but... I just knew I wanted you. So I said fuck it and married you. Why care about like, societal norms, right? We were together and we were happy. What more could you need?"

Harry hums, taking the blunt from Zayn and smoking the last bit before throwing it on the floor and squashing it. "Did we ever have any doubts about it?"

"I don't think you did," Zayn says, sighing. "But for a moment, I did. Not like, doubting my love for you. I didn't even doubt your feelings, I was just worried that you wanted to go so fast to throw it in Xander's face. That you were doing so good without him that you got married within a year of you two breaking up."

"No," Harry frowns, almost flinching. "I would never do that. I remember enough to know that I didn't even give him a spare thought after you and I started properly dating. You were like, the fucking centre of my universe. How could you think that?"

Zayn shrugs. "Dunno, just paranoia. I never told you and I quickly realised I never should've doubted you."

"Damn right you shouldn't have," Harry scoffs but there is no heat behind it. He scoots closer to Zayn on the sofa, then he leans his head on Zayn's shoulder and throws an arm around his middle.

 Zayn's doesn't wait and wraps an arm around Harry's shoulders, pulling him closer. "You know what?"

"What?" Harry mumbles, nuzzling his face a little into Zayn's neck.

"I missed you so much while you were gone," Zayn reveals, his voice gentle. His fingers are carding through Harry's hair slowly. "Even when you were already home, I just felt miles and miles away from you. It's like you were back but weren't at the same time because I was just honestly scared about unintentionally hurting you by trying to pull you back into our old life."

Harry stops and pulls away a little so he can see Zayn's face. He puts a hand on his cheek, looking at him intently. "You'll never have to miss me again," Harry says with great determination because he fucking means it. "Never. I'm never leaving. I'm here for good. I love you so much, I love our children so much, even our bloody cat. And do you wanna know something?"

"Yeah?" Zayn says quietly, his hand now tight around Harry's waist.

"I started missing you too," Harry smiles a little. "Really as soon as I remembered how we had begun dating. That was like game over, case closed, I needed you back. But I was scared too. Still am. It all won't go away easily but... I'm working on it."

"We'll be fine in the end," Zayn says and kisses Harry's cheekbone. "We always are."

"I think it's time for the second surprise," Harry whispers into Zayn's lips. "But we need to go upstairs first."

"Is it what I think it is?"

Harry just winks at him.

After they've blown out the candles, found and caught Paul in the garden, they retire upstairs into their bedroom at last. It feels almost illicit even though they've done this hundreds of times. The first night they kissed they also had sex but in this situation, at least to Harry, it almost feels brand new. Obviously, they've done some stuff in the meantime but they haven't fucked yet. The finale of their sex life revival deserves more than a quickie. Tonight they don't have to be quiet in fear of waking the kids, they don't have to hurry up because there's breakfast to be made, plush toys tea parties to be attended and two lovely children requiring their attention. Tonight is just for them and no one else.

They don't wait around once they're in the bedroom and start kissing right away. Even the simple act of a kiss feels better when they're not inhibited by anything. Harry might just have butterflies as if they were kissing for the first time.

"Can I?" Zayn mumbles into Harry's lips as his hands go to the buttons of Harry's shirt.

Harry nearly starts nodding like those bobble-head figurines. "Please."

The removal of Harry's shirt sets off an avalanche and it doesn't take long until they're naked, skin pressed on skin as they kiss in front of the bed. They're both nearly painfully hard just from the anticipation and unfiltered desire.

"Get on the bed," Harry tells Zayn, giving him one last kiss before walking to his bedside table and pulling out a bottle of lube.

"No handcuffs?" Zayn chuckles from his perch on the bed, one leg straight and the other bent at the knee. He's so fucking hot Harry's horny brain can't comprehend how they kept themselves from fucking all these weeks.

"Not tonight no," Harry smiles a little as he straddles him. "Wanna feel you everywhere."

"You want me to prep you?" Zayn asks and the trust and the mundanity in their love nearly make Harry's heart burst. He puts his hands on Harry's hips, a warm familiar weight that Harry welcomes with open arms.

"No," Harry shakes his head quickly and leaves a kiss on Zayn's cheekbone. "Took care of that before you came back."

"You sneaky little slag," Zayn chuckles and starts marking up Harry's neck. "You couldn't wait for us to finally fuck, huh?"

"Maybe so," Harry says around a moan, Zayn's lips on his neck. "Maybe I'm just time-efficient."

"Sure you are," Zayn laughs and the vibrations from it travel all around Harry's body, straight to his cock. "You wanna ride me?"

Harry nods, bumping his nose against Zayn's in an Eskimo kiss. "Told you I wanted to do something nice for you."

"I love you," Zayn says easily, kissing Harry. "Really, really love you a lot."

"Love you more," Harry smiles and runs his fingers through Zayn's messy hair. "It's impossible to put into words, to be honest."

"We have other ways to say it, I guess," Zayn drawls as he starts kissing his way up Harry's jawline. "This right here is a good one."

Harry hums in agreement, finally opening up the lube. It's been a couple of hours so he slicks up his fingers and pushes two inside of himself, all while Zayn is kissing his neck, his jaw, his collarbones, his chest. Harry feels showered in love and only now does he truly see the difference between marital sex and just random fucking, or even sex in a relationship that he had before. The level of trust and ease that's between the two of them takes years to cultivate, and it can't come to be without love and affection. They're still in love, even after years of marriage. Harry would probably argue that they love each other even more than before. They share a life now, complete with two beautiful children they adore, that is more than youthful infatuation and passion and attraction. 

"You're so hot," Zayn murmurs, his eyes dark. "So fucking hot. Can't believe you're mine."

"Thanks, you're not too bad yourself," Harry teases. "By the way, any idea how I got this into shape? Because I've no fucking clue."

"You're a bit of a fitness freak but it doesn't make me love you any less," Zayn quips.

Harry laughs, shaking his head. He quickly slicks Zayn up and starts to sit down on his cock without any warning. A moan escapes his lips as he throws his head back, even though he's barely got the tip in. It feels so fucking good, especially after quite a while. Harry doesn't mind the tingle of initial pain, on the contrary, he lives for it. He's always liked getting a bit roughed up in bed from time to time, just as much he likes doing it slow and gentle, with bodies pressed together and gentle kisses. Zayn is gripping his hips hard enough to probably leave marks and Harry already knows he's gonna enjoy seeing them in the mirror next morning and will find himself pressing his fingers into them throughout the day as a remembrance.

"Fuck, you're amazing," Zayn moans out when Harry gets fully seated on his cock as they're skin on skin. "So tight, babe."

"Yeah," is all Harry manages to get out before he captures Zayn's lips in a kiss again. He starts moving slowly, more of a rocking of his hips than anything else. Without explicit instructions, they somehow end up wrapped around each other, their chests pressed together, Harry's arms around Zayn's neck while he has Zayn's arms wrapped tightly around his waist.

The window is cracked open, letting in the colder night air but their skin is still shiny with perspiration. Harry's overcome with the passion, with the exquisite fucking feeling and even the slight burning of the muscles in his thighs can't stop him. They barely even have the time to catch their breath properly because they can't quit kissing. It seems like it would be the most difficult thing in the universe right now.

"I love you," Harry breathes out, his chest lifting heavily with the conservative amount of oxygen he's been giving his lungs. He leans his forehead against Zayn's, both of them breathing heavily and the climax is so close, so fucking close they can taste it.

"Love you," Zayn says quietly and places a quick kiss on the corner of Harry's lip. They stay like that, heads pressed together, their breathing heavy, until they both come within moments of each other. Harry comes first, untouched, spilling between them and promptly getting a hand around himself as Zayn fucks him through the orgasm, coming moments later.

They don't move for a good while, attempting to calm down their breathing and re-oxygenate their lungs properly. Only once it starts to get uncomfortable does Harry climb off of Zayn and pulls them both down onto one pillow, body pressed to body.

"That was fucking brilliant," Harry breathes out a laugh. "Fuck. You should've told me the sex was this good, I would've been home right away." Harry winces when he sees Zayn's slight frown. "Too early for that kind of jokes?"

Zayn shakes his head into the pillow. "I'm just happy to have you back."

"Me too," Harry smiles and kisses Zayn quickly. "Tonight was just so good."

"Yeah, it was," Zayn agrees, his hand moving from stroking Harry's back to grabbing his arse and he impertinently gets a finger or two on Harry's rim, experimentally trying the slickness of his own come that has now started leaking out.

"Stop that before I get hard again," Harry giggles and slaps his hand away. "Don't let this whole situation fool you. 21-year-old me and 28-year-old me have very different stamina. And I'm fully on board with my 28-year-old self now, mister."

"You just think that, babe," Zayn chuckles. "I'll change your mind some other time."

"Do I need to put that in my calendar?"

"Yeah, probably."

xxx

On September 5th, Harry's woken up by lots of commotion and excited screeching. He's barely opened his eyes when he feels a weight on his chest and two small hands pulling at his face.

"Daddy, it's the first day of school!" Sadie screams cheerfully and then she's gone, letting Harry breathe again as she does the very same thing to Zayn on the other side of the bed.

"Oh God," Harry sighs and rubs his eyes. Sadie starts jumping on the bed as Harry looks at the clock on the bedside table, seeing that it's only after six. "Baby," Harry says, sitting up and pulling Sadie into his lap. She got her cast taken off just three days ago, he doesn't want another broken bone to come out of her jumping. "Why are you up so early, strawberry? You need your sleep, Sadie, so you can grow big and strong. Dad and I do too."

"I know," Sadie pouts, flailing her arms dramatically. "But you said last night that the sooner the morning is here the sooner I will go to school!"

"Sadie-bear, it doesn't open sooner," Zayn says, sitting up too as he starts pulling Sadie's toes. She giggles despite her obvious want to protest. "The school starts at nine no matter when you wake up, honey."

"But that's..." Sadie puts a finger on her lip, trying to count in her head. "Soon!" she settles on saying because she most likely doesn't know what time it is now. "We have to start getting ready!"

Harry laughs and kisses her head. "Don't worry, Sadie, we have more than enough time."

"I don't want to be late," Sadie's shoulders slump as she looks up at Harry.

"You will not be late," Harry says. "That's a promise. Do you want to lay down for a bit?"

Sadie shakes her head. "No way, daddy, I have to go get ready." And with that, she's scurrying off the bed and running back into her room, her nightgown that had rid up her body falling further down with each step.

Harry drops back into the pillows with a huff. "If she starts waking us up like this every morning because of school, I'm gonna start locking the door."

"You'd never do that to her," Zayn grins at him, laying on his side by his side.

Harry sighs, turning his head. "You're right. I'm so happy she's excited about it and not terrified. She's such a smart girl. I love her a lot."

"I know," Zayn says and bends down to kiss Harry's forehead. "I do too."

"Our baby girl is starting primary today," Harry laments. "Can you believe that?"

"I can," Zayn chuckles. "I never thought all these years would go by so fast."

Harry sighs, turning his head away. For him, those years are mostly gone. He's regained some memories back, enough to piece together a cohesive picture of his life but he knows he's never getting all of them back. With certain photos and other little things, he does recall something new still from time to time but more the days pass since his accident, the less old/new memories reappear. He's started to accept it, at least to an extent. What else is there to do?

Right now, it's enough for Harry that he has bits and pieces from all the important milestones that shape a child's life. He remembers things from when Sadie and Noah were babies, he remembers a few scattered moments afterwards, he knows a thing or two about their birthdays, about when they started talking. It's not everything, but it's enough for now.

"What's wrong, babe?"

Harry turns his head again, giving Zayn a weak smile. "Nothing. Just feeling a bit emotional about Sadie being so big already. But I promised myself I won't cry when we drop her off."

"Who are you kidding, Haz?" Zayn laughs and pulls Harry closer. "You know we're both gonna bawl like babies."

"Perhaps," Harry grins. "I know Sadie isn't going to cry for sure. She's acting like she's going to uni and not primary. I don't like this, can't she stay little forever?"

"I'm afraid that's not how it works," Zayn smiles a little. "We still have Noah, though. He'll be more than happy to cling to us all day."

"You're right," Harry agrees, sighing. "Do you think he'll be like Sadie once he's older? Independent, just ready to take over the world."

"No idea," Zayn shakes his head a little. "He's very social with other kids so only time will tell."

Harry groans. "I do not like this. Someone should've warned me about the pain of kids growing up before we had them."

"Stop being dramatic, our eldest isn't even five yet," Zayn laughs. "You wanna try and nap until our alarms go off?"

Harry sighs. "I think it's impossible."

And it sure is because, within minutes, Harry finds himself in Sadie's room, sitting on the carpet as she goes around the room and gets her bookbag ready. She gives Harry extensive commentary on the whole ordeal and Harry then can't stop himself, but pull her into his lap and cuddle her until she slinks out of his grasp like a cat. His heart nearly shatters when his thoughts dip into the world of Sadie being even older. Nope, that's going to be a restricted section from now on. He'll deal with it as it comes.

They have to leave early for the school no matter what because Sadie gets herself ready and is standing around with her bag, telling everyone to hurry up. Noah gets a bit fussy because he was woken up sooner but they don't forget the kids' lunches, or their own lunches so that's all they can ask for. Harry even remembers to take a polaroid and another million photos of Sadie in her uniform on her first day so the morning is a success.

In the car, Sadie goes on and on about her subjects, about how she's just so excited to learn. Noah watches her, utterly fascinated and repeats some words after her. Sadie then turns her attention from her parents to her baby brother and starts telling him about how cool school is going to be for him. Harry hopes it's going to stay like this for a long time and they won't get to a point where Sadie will be helping Noah out with getting alcohol or something when they're teenagers. It's naive to think they're not gonna rebel at some point in their lives but right now, ignorance is the most blissful thing Harry can think of.

Noah is dropped off first at the nursery that is in the came complex as Sadie's school. He does very good with it and only demands a few more kisses before he joins the teacher and the rest of the kids.

The closer they get to Sadie's teacher and her class in the courtyard, the more choked up Harry's throat gets. Sadie is their baby and there she is, starting primary already. She skips joyfully between Harry and Zayn, holding their hands.

"There is Miss Perkins!" Sadie calls out and starts to run towards the teacher before they pull her back. She's met her at the orientation last week that was a huge success for her. Sadie was all wide-eyed and kept getting excited about one thing after another while Harry and Zayn started dreading parent-teacher conferences and PTA and other school events. Sadie was in paradise already while they got a taste of actual hell. A brood of stay-at-home parents gave them a couple of dirty looks at a little section where parents were supposed to get to know each other the moment they had said they're both working full-time and enjoy their careers.

"Sadie, calm down, baby," Harry says quietly enough. "Don't go running off, we have to say goodbye to you."

"Okay, daddy," Sadie sighs.

She listens and when they're close enough to the teacher, Harry lifts her up along with the bookbag she refused to let them carry for her and hugs her as tight as possible. "You know that I love you so, so, so much, Sadie, right?"

"Of course, daddy," Sadie says, her voice small. She hugs Harry around the neck and gives him a wet kiss on the cheek. "I love you too."

"You're a big girl now," Harry tells her seriously, trying not to get choked up already. "You're gonna learn sooo many things and have so many new friends. And you're gonna listen to Miss Perkins and all the other teachers, aren't you?"

"I will, daddy," Sadie nods. "I promise."

"Good," Harry nods shortly. "Now say goodbye to dad and when we pick you up after school, we'll have a surprise for you."

Harry discreetly wipes down a tear that got out as she watches Zayn with Sadie. His heart swells with love and pride too, because he has such an amazing family it still feels like a dream. Sometimes when his life seems too perfect, like today or when the kids eat all their vegetables and no one is fussy all day, Harry wonders if all this is just an elaborate dream and he's somewhere in a coma. Of course, it's ridiculous but he finds it hard to believe his luck.

Sadie flashes them one more smile and a wave before she leaves, skipping over to her teacher and then promptly chatting with the friends she's already managed to make at orientation. Harry and Zayn hang around for a bit, watching Sadie socialize, and they're certainly not the only parents to do so. But they don't chat with the other parents, they just stand there, arms wrapped around each other as they watch their oldest kid start a new, and to her, very exciting chapter of her life. Sadie seems happy, laughing away and still as happy as early in the morning when she woke them up. While it is a bit heart-wrenching for them as parents, they know they would always take Sadie being this happy over her crying and not wanting to go to school.

Harry's heart is heavy once they're back in the car, on their way to a different part of the city because the world didn't stop turning just because their daughter had her first day of school.

"You know what?" Harry sniffs discreetly, wiping away the few tears he allowed to come out. "I've been thinking these past few days ago, you know, how we're all, I can't believe she's not a baby anymore. But I don't- the whole sequence of time is really warped for me and I'm never gonna get all my memories back so I can see all this like that, like I would've if I hadn't been in that fucking accident."

"Haz," Zayn says softly, his hand promptly moving to Harry's knee. "I'm so sorry."

"No, it's not your fault," Harry shakes his head and grabs Zayn's hand in his. "It's no one fault and at the same time, no one can change it. It's just the way it is. So like, today, Sadie had her first day of school. And that's a new memory. And I'm just sick of chasing the past. I do remember things, not all of it but it's enough. It's enough because I love you, I love our children. And if nothing else goes to shit, we're gonna make new memories, have new experiences, just like today. Maybe one day randomly when I'm seventy I'll suddenly get all my memories back because our brains are fucked up little things. But as of today, I know I can't just regain all the memory I've lost so fuck it, I'm just gonna make new memories with all of you. I'll start going out with my friends even more, because I've seen just a couple of people since the accident. You and I are gonna have some great time. And every day with the kids is just a great memory on its own. So yeah. That's what I've decided to do."

Zayn looks at Harry quickly before turning his sight at the road again, a loving smile on his lips. "That's really good, babe," he says. "You can't keep punishing yourself for that and torturing yourself. Trust me, the kids, me, your mum, Niall and all your friends, we don't care that you forgot things. Because it's still you, Haz, and we're lucky to have you to matter what."

"I know," Harry says, nodding. "I've realized that because like, I have amazing people all around me and why dwell on the past when I have an amazing future in front of me?"

"Exactly," Zayn agrees. "As long as you're happy, that's all I care about, baby."

"With you, I'll always be happy," Harry says. "And yes, it's cheesy but it's true."

"We can only be cheesy, love," Zayn laughs quickly. "By the way, I've made the reservation for the pizza place Sadie loves at 3:30, hope it isn't too early."

"No, that's just right," Harry says. "I've moved my schedule around, so before that, I'll go and pick up some books and toys for Sadie, and I'll grab something for Noah too so he doesn't get jealous and they have a row."

"Also, Paul has a vet appointment on Wednesday."

"He hates the vet! No way I'm taking him."

"I don't wanna do it either! It's your turn too."

"Rock, paper, scissors?"

"Fine, but only because I love you."

"Aw, I love you too!"

Their shit-eating grins are enough to describe their happiness. Harry didn't believe he'd ever have this life back. He didn't think he would be a good enough husband and a dad for this. In the very beginning of the aftermath of the crash, he didn't think he'd have the guts to even want to come back at all. But he thinks it'll be alright. It'll be fine. After all, it always is.