Chapter Text
Soobin arrived at the hospital with half of his jacket on, shoes barely on his feet and pyjamas in all of their glory, his heart was pumping on his ears, in an almost deafening fit, the air of the night was cold, biting at his face.
He saw people turning their stares towards him, after all he should be a total sight, even with that Soobin didn’t stop moving, looking for blonde hair or dark eyes, he had to know what happened to kai, he needed to know how the other was, even if it broke his heart even more.
Soobin found Beomgyu by the sound of crying, his once best friend was a cry baby, Soobin grew up with the sound of his crying.
He was in one of the waiting rooms on the east side of the hospital, Yeonjun was around him, glaring at everything that was too close and yet his eyes changed in mere seconds each time he turned to Beomgyu, the scene made a him feel like he was punched on the chest, like he couldn’t breath.
In all of their fights and for every time Soobin made Yeonjun eyes flare with anger he had never seen him cry, it was wrong, the hot headed older man shouldn’t have the red eyes and blotchy face he was sporting, no matter how much Soobin despised him.
He approached them lacking his usual cold demeanour, with shaking hands and nerves on end, he couldn’t care less in that moment, his mind was still screaming to him to do something, to search for the younger to find him, to cure him.
Yeonjun noticed him first his whole body tensing which sent a message to the crying Beomgyu in between his arms, the whole image made Soobin’s worst fear come to the front, a single voice whispering death.
“you fucking asshole” Yeonjun was up in less than a second about to pounce on him if it wasn’t for Beomgyu crying out a hyung, pure distress radiating from his tone, barely even stopping Yeonjun from actually hitting him again.
“hyung no, I don’t want more people hurt right now” Beomgyu was clinging on his boyfriend, tears cascading down his cheeks, it made something twist inside of Soobin’s chest. “where-where is huy-kai” Soobin slipped biting his lips before asking again “where is kai?”
Beomgyu seemed to out of breath to answer him, and Yeonjun turned around to hug him before answering “they took him to ER he was loosing too much blood,” Yeonjun paused gulping down a probable sob before continuing “they said... They said he had hit his head too hard, his back was also really fucked up, they don’t... They don’t know if he’s going to be okay”
Crashing. That how it felt like hearing those words, Soobin could almost swear he was able to hear the tires of the car screeching over the pavement. As if someone had tilted his world around Soobin found himself leaning on the wall for support, tears burning in his eyes but not yet falling.
Yeojuns words only served to make Beomgyu cry harder and that how the pair ignored him, the three of them falling into a suffocating not yet silence, even after a few minutes when Soobin was sure Yeonjun was crying with Beomgyu and himself was shedding a few tears no one dared to sayy another word.
The world was not right in that moment, something was off, the sound the colours the taste of the air, it felt too strange, so far out of reach, Soobin snorted at the thought of it, it felt just like when he found out his brother had been the one behind the drug scandal, such a big part of himself dying with it.
And in those moments he realized something he hadn’t been wanting to accept for months now. Yeonjun was right, he was a total piece of shit for breaking kais heart, he had wanted to protect himself not knowing it was already too late, the younger had come in barrelling into his life, all smiles and rash decisions.
Kai had been the light inside the storm his whole life was, the salvation he had been craving for ever since he was little, kai had never glanced at his fancy clothes or at the brand of his accessories, had even got mad at him when he tried to give him expensive gifts.
Kai had come, uninterested and selfless, dragging Soobin trough the market in the middle of the day, talking on and on about his family and music practice, he had been so simple and yet so difficult for Soobin to understand.
He had made him happy, actually happy, not like his other flings and partners who only were interested in how much Soobin was able to spend on them, he had truly been worried about him, kai had taken care of him like no one did in years.
And he had thrown it all away just Because he was blind with his insecurities and selfishness to acknowledge how much kai actually meant to him.
He was an asshole, God why was he even here after all he made to younger go trough, he didn’t deserve to be close to kai anymore, he wasn’t worth all of this pain, and he was the culprit of it all.
“Yeonjun!” the three of them turned around at the same time, an small woman running towards them also in pyjamas, tears running down her cheeks another girl just behind her in the same conditions, Soobin recognised them after a second, he knew both of them, how could he not.
Huening kais mother was a small Korean woman, dwarfed by all of her kids and husband, her black hair identical to all of her children, even if kai liked to dye it a lighter colour, Soobin had told him he liked the dark hair on him.
Apparently they had also called her when everything happened and Soobin wanted to hit himself for thinking something so stupid, of course they called her, she was kais actual family, Soobin wasn’t.
Soobin stared while the woman talked with Yeonjun, he could hear slips of their conversation, he could feel the tears, the desperation, and once again he was slapped with the realisation that Kai had actual people that cared for him, not maids or a butler, but friends and family that loved him.
“Soobin oppa” Leah was the first of the two to realised he was there, she looked surprised to see him, maybe even a little bit mad, but Soobin couldn’t blame her, after everything he put his brother through she was entitled to feel some kind of resentment towards him.
Yeonjun seemed to finish talking with Kai’s mother, the older taking a few steps back going back towards Beomgyu, the woman turned too towards him her tear filled eyes opening in surprise “Soobin-ssi,” she said, voice broken and teary, but still warm just like the first time she said his name all those months ago, embarrassment was the least he could feel in front of her, after all the stupid things he did.
Soobin stood up from his seat bowing to the woman “ahjumma, sorry to see you again in such bad conditions.” Soobin looked at her, she was shaking still, the very image of a worried mother, and yet she smiled at him “oh don’t worry Soobin ssi, my Kai is a strong one,” she said it like it was nothing, even if Soobin knew she was faking it.
“I’m sure he will be glad to see you here, he was so sad when you stopped visiting the house,” and she smiled, Soobin could only stare at Kais mother the feeling of guilt only growing on his chest with every word, Because even after all she was still kind to someone who had hurt her child.
“mom let’s sit down for a moment” Leah said taking her mothers arm in hers pulling her to chairs closer to Yeonjun and Beomgyu, Soobin didn’t blame her.
-
Waiting.
Waiting felt like being strapped to the uncomfortable chair without oxygen or water, his eyes drying up and tears making his face sticky, in that plain waiting room Soobin sat for what felt like hours, an small eternity that ate at his very soul and heart, time seemed to be mocking them pausing the seconds and the minutes, leaving them in the limbo of not knowing if kai was going to be able to breath again.
At some point he must have fallen asleep, Because he woke up with the muffled cries of Kai’s mother, several hours had passed apparently, the warm sun of the morning starting to light the sombre room.
Soobin moved groaning from the uncomfortable feeling on his whole body from sleeping on a chair, but paused when he heard the deeper voice of the doctor “we put him on a temporal coma to keep watch on his head, I’m afraid that the pressure of his brain is still too high to consider him out of risk,” Soobins heart stopped even his lungs stopped drawing air in “for his back, we supposed he was hit in an extremely bad position, which leads to major complications with the function of his legs.”
“he may be able to walk again with therapy, but he will have to be in a wheelchair for at least six months if he passes trough this first period of healing.” Silence, it was silent for a moment, and then a sigh “I’m sorry miss, one of my colleagues will come to tell you when you can see your son” and just like that the doctor went away leaving a heartbroken mother behind.
Soobin watched the back of the woman tremble with sobs her legs barely supporting her, he stood up just in time to catch her “ahjumma,” Soobin said, holding her close while the woman cried in his arms, Kai’s name leaving her lips like a prayer. And not for the first time in years Soobin wished he knew how to comfort her, wished to be able to take the pain away and suffer for her, for it was his fault in the end.
-
Three weeks later
Soobin walked among the people of the hospital, with a bouquet of blue gardenias on his left hand, some nurses looking at him with pity inside their eyes, some people turning towards him wondering why a chaebol like him was there, now even some paparazzi were brave enough to follow him on his trip to the hospital.
Soobin couldn’t care less. After the accident the doctors had kept kai on an artificial coma, just to be safe, with everything the younger needed the expenses were sky high, and Soobin volunteered himself to pay for it all, even with protest of Kai’s mother, he paid it all, but it wasn’t enough to give back from all the hurt he caused.
Kai’s parents had been grateful, his sisters too, and yet Soobin could only nod in a manner of acknowledgement when they expressed their gratitude, if only they knew he was the reason the accident happened in the first place.
Beomgyu was trying to speak to him again, even with the discouragement of Yeonjun, but Soobin never answered anymore, he didn’t answer anyone. His father hadn’t been happy with the kind of money he was spending on a nobody, but didn’t say anything else about it.
It had been three weeks now, since everything happened, and yet the image of kai laying in bed unmoving and pale always seemed to bring him down to his knees, Soobin walked inside the room without a noise, changing the dying pink gardenias with the new blue ones, and stopped to look at the amount of flowers he had been bringing the younger each day, maybe he should stop that too.
Soobin sat down on the chair besides Kai’s bed, not daring to touch the younger even if his should craved for it he stared at his factions, his lips, his closed eyes, his longer hair that barely concealed the yellow of the fading bruises on his temple, Soobin found the image heart breaking and yet kai still seemed to glow with angelical beauty.
“you’re waking up tomorrow.”
“and I know you may not want me here, after everything I did I don’t deserve your forgiveness, even if I know what you’ll say once you see me, I don’t want you to suffer anymore, and even if I love you all I seem to do is make you go trough pain.” Soobin whispered each word, deep inside a world where it was just the two of them, “so I’m leaving.”
Soobin nodded trying to convince himself the words he was saying were actually what he wanted “you won’t have to see me anymore.” He swallowed “you’re free kai, free from me”
“I know you’ll make someone else happy, I know someone else will do the same for you.”
I love you
But those three words were never whispered.
-
Almost six months later.
The consistent ringing of his bell made Soobin want to kill whoever thought it was a good idea to bother him in the middle of the night, he might just even fire the guard of the building for letting the annoying person inside the building, work ethics be dammed.
Soobin was not annoyed Because he was sleeping, actually he hadn’t been sleeping most of the nights for almost five months already, his thoughts chasing him around inside his head too much to even consider sleeping.
Still, he had never had any late night visitors before, and it’s not like he wanted them either way, so he was ready to send whoever was at the other side of his door to hell and back if it meant the damn bell would shut up.
So Soobin wrenched his door open almost slamming the thing against the wall with the force of it “what!?” he growled glaring at the person on the other side, juts to be met by a flying fist, too fast for him to dodge on time.
“you’re a fucking son of a mother fucking bitch did you know that!” the scream of anger the other let out made Soobin more dizzy than the actual punch, his whole body sizing up and locking, his tired eyes searched for the younger face faster than he knew he was able too.
And when he finally saw those caramel eyes flaring with angry tears did his heart shutter into a new start “kai.”
Kai was standing on the other side of the door, pale skin glowing under the light, he was holding on to the wall and that’s when Soobin noted the walking frame just besides the younger.
“you mother fucker just left me like that after everything you did, you paid hundreds of thousands before disappearing a day before I woke up!” kai was almost hysterical at that point, letting himself fall to the ground where Soobin was still holding on to the side of his face where the younger hit him.
“you left me asshole, half dead and unconscious and you didn’t even had the guts to see me when I woke up to tell me you were leaving” kai crawled towards him tears running down his face but Soobin was till in shock, his system not recognising that Kai. Kai the one who never left his heart or his mind even after all of those months.
Even when the younger managed to straddle him Soobin didn’t move, it was kai, the only other human being that even bothered with his existence, he was there in front of him after everything he did, as angry as he should be, and for a moment he really believe it was all a dream.
Maybe isolating himself wasn’t as good of an idea as he liked to believe, now he was clearly hallucinating his ex boyfriend being above him crying while cursing him with more colourful words than what he thought existed.
And even though he was completely hallucinating Soobin could help but smile, his own eyes filling with unshed tears.
Kai was in the middle of hitting him on his chest, after five months of recovery he had some of his strength back and he was angry, the kind of angry Soobin would make fun of, not to be mean but it failed to make the older seriously scared, so he just looked at the younger.
“you asshole I hate you, I hate you, I hat-“ kai got closer each time, his arms loosing force and his tone turning watery until Soobin found himself being kissed by a totally real Kai, no hallucinations involved.
And maybe it was wrong, maybe Soobin didn’t deserve it, no, he was sure he didn’t deserve this, to hold his world in his arms again, but it had been so long, and suffering from this kind of love was something different from what Soobin is used to, so he closed his eyes and kissed Kai back.
His arms pulling Kai closer to his chest, feeling warmth coming back to his whole body, it felt like he could breath again, and the tears that his eyes held captive escaped running down his face like rivers.
He kissed him like it was the last time, the goodbye he never did have a chance to say, the welcome he didn’t deserve, kai was back again and Soobin was sure he wouldn’t survive if the younger didn’t choose to stay.
Soobin turned them around, being careful enough with the younger, stared down at him for a second taking in his face until the younger pulled him under again, kai kissed him like he meant it. All desperate lips and savage tears that made everything taste salty.
Soobin pulled back again, his own tears falling on Kai’s face “ love you” he said smiling down at kai, until the younger hit him on the face again pushing him away, Soobin fell again, surprised by the rash action “then why did you leave asshole” Kai asked and Soobin was once again taken aback with the hurt on the youngers tone, shame painted his insides, and he was reminded how much of a coward he was.
“I-I didn’t expect you to be by my side when I woke up but... You were the only one that ever gave me gardenias, and lo and behold the first thing I see when I woke up from a fucking coma was a room full of them,” kai glared at him his angry eyes shedding tears while his whole body shook with emotions “Beomgyu hyung didn’t want to tell me where you went off too, even Yeonjun got mad at me when I went to your old house looking for you in a wheelchair no less.” Kai snorted at the memory and Soobin could only look at him with disbelief.
Kai closed his eyes swallowing several times and breathing hard, trying to calm himself down before looking at the older again “you are going to make me chase you to the end of the world for the rest of our lives, won’t you?” kai asked and the simple words made a sob scape Soobin’s chest, he shook his head looking down once again.
“I don’t deserve you” he whispered, lowly and desperate, with so much sadness inside his voice that Goosebumps appeared on his skin, after that it was silence, sounds of the younger moving made Soobins chest cave into himself.
He was leaving, Kai was leaving him, and it was only fair, yet it made a dark feeling swarm inside him.
Until he felt soft fingers on his chin lifting his face, kai was there still, so close Soobin could feel his warmth, the tears hadn’t stopped, at least not completely and Soobin wanted nothing more than to make them disappear.
Kai shook his head before speaking “you may not deserve me, but I love you, don’t you think I deserve to be with the one I love after almost dying Because of it?” and maybe those weren’t the smartest words, or the right ones, but kai had never been good at feelings, neither had been Soobin, but he understood.
“you can’t leave me again Choi Soobin, you’re mine do you understand? I won’t let go of your hand anymore,” with that Kai took both of his hands in his own squeezing the life out of them “and you can’t let go of me okay, it’s a promise,” Kai lifted his hands to his lips kissing the rough skin, Soobin released a breath he didn’t know he was holding, watery and filled with tears.
“as long as I don’t let go of you,” Kai whispered his forehead coming in contact with Soobin’s.
Soobin’s own lips repeating the same words before ending the sentence “I won’t let go of you either.”