Chapter Text
An Unusual Honesty – Part 2
Excusing himself so he could take his bag to his room and unpack his belongings, Izuku departed the room, but only after Toshi insisted that the boy hand over his dirty laundry so he could take care of it for him. Izuku had started to protest, but at the look Toshinori gave him, he reluctantly gave in to his request. Alone once more, Izuku moved over to his desk and lined up the notebooks he had thought to bring, and, getting distracted, reached out to pick up the only photo left that showed his beautiful mother; the woman that had single-handedly raised him to the best of her ability, despite all the hardships that life had thrown her way. And now, she was gone. Izuku felt the familiar pang of grief in his chest that hit him every time he thought of her, which was frequently. She dedicated her entire life to her son, had been so proud of him, and in the blink of an eye, death had claimed her, far too soon. Inko never deserved to be murdered the way she had been, not in a million years.
And that was the second traumatic event in his life that had turned Izuku’s world upside down, the first being the abandonment by his disappointed father. But where he had quickly learned to live without the presence of his father in his life, the boy wasn’t sure he would ever get over losing his mother in such an unfairly brutal way. Although he was trying his best to move on with his life, there was still the occasional incident when he had been so consumed by loss that he didn’t think he would be able to carry on without her. Those days, he somehow managed to put on a brave face and hide it, but deep down, he felt like he was slowly dying inside.
And then, just when he thought he was surviving well enough to manage, his broken heart slowly piecing itself back together, despite the scars that would always remain, he had been kidnapped by the League of Villains. Once more, Izuku had fallen so far into a downward spiral that he wasn’t even sure he wanted to be alive anymore, and, at certain points even now, he still didn’t. The pain that Shigaraki had inflicted on him, the cold, scathing words he had spoken to him, had affected the boy more than he ever wanted to admit. He was teetering on the brink of falling apart, and he knew it. The teenager, still young and vulnerable, wasn’t in the right frame of mind, and he didn’t even really know what was right anymore. He wasn’t even sure it was right for him to be feeling this way.
He quickly abandoned the photo, and his thoughts, and began rifling through the bottom of his cupboard, looking for one of the very few things that had helped him survive his early childhood, when the news was first broken to him that he had not been blessed with a quirk. He found it, still in its dusty old case, a damaged but well-loved Gameboy and his copy of Pokémon Gold. It was far from a new console, or even the latest at the time when it reached his hands, but his mother had worked twice as hard for months just so he could have his very own Pokémon game. Not even bothering to check if the batteries were still working, he quickly replaced them with a brand-new pair, and planted himself on the floor beside the bed, flicking the power switch on.
Immediately, the well-outdated console booted up, the familiar soundtrack bathing him with a wave of nostalgia as the game launched its iconic start-up sequence. He couldn’t help but smile, almost feeling young again at the sight of the old but comfortingly familiar graphics. Willingly allowing himself to be distracted, he hunkered down and pressed the directional pad, leading his character straight to the tall grass. This was exactly what he needed to escape the chaos of reality, even just for a little while.
~
Shouta was glad to be back at home. With Izuku and Toshi busy doing their own things, he had settled down on the lounge with a fresh cup of coffee and a couple of pain pills, downing both at his own pace with a satisfied sigh. The last week had been hell; already he was sick of being forced to live in a dorm with the other teachers, unable to have the peace, quiet and privacy that he deserved. He supposed he shouldn’t complain too much; there were worse kinds of torture in life that he could have been enduring. And with that thought, Izuku immediately drifted back to the forefront of his mind.
Although they had got to the bottom of what had been eating away at the kid, there was still one question that remained in Shouta’s head that had been left unanswered. Not that he had asked it, mind you, but still, he found he couldn’t stand not knowing. So, deciding now was as good a time as any, he dumped his mug in the sink to be washed later, and immediately padded over past the dining room table to Izuku’s bedroom.
As he approached, a soft and unfamiliar tune hit his ears, an aged, instrumental song that sounded a bit like it belonged in an old video game, not that Shouta was too familiar with anything of the sort. He rapped his knuckles on the frame as he stepped up to the door, spotting the boy sitting over on the other side of the room with his back leaning up against the bed. Having been granted entry, he approached unhurriedly, intrigued by the piece of seemingly ancient hardware with a tiny screen that Izuku clutched protectively in his hands. Doing his usual, he crouched down in front of the boy; the best way to not only capture his full attention, but the best angle to be able to read his body language and facial expressions most effectively.
After he had finished whatever he been focusing so intently on, the kid placed his game to the floor beside him, turning the volume right down so he could focus on Shouta without distraction. The hero reached out, ruffling the kid’s hair with a small smile. “What’ve you got there?” He asked with mild interest though he knew nothing about games himself. “Looks fun.” Izuku had appeared to be enjoying himself despite everything, and that was enough for the outwardly cold and stoic hero to approve of his chosen entertainment. It wasn’t often that he saw Izuku enjoying himself like a normal teenager should, so he was secretly pleased to find him playing a game that he enjoyed.
“Oh this? Just my old Pokémon game from when I was little.” The way he described it sounded like a dismissal, as though he felt like he was caught enjoying something that he should’ve already outgrown. But the way he stared longingly at the scratched and chipped silver little device spoke volumes. “I used to sit in my room and play it for hours when I was sad…”
Not that it wasn’t already, but Shouta’s heart broke for the kid. It wasn’t exactly hard to picture a smaller version of his boy, curled up in a ball on the floor, tears rolling down his cheeks as he clutched onto the game that got him through the darkest moments of his young life. Shockingly, he found himself choking up at the image. He was beginning to wonder, that aside from those with his mother, if the kid had any happy memories from his childhood at all. And with Izuku reminiscing, it was the perfect opportunity find the answer that he had come in search of. “I’ve actually been meaning to ask you something, Izuku,” he started, keeping his voice low. “Before starting at UA, what was your relationship with Bakugo?” Aizawa was well aware of the rivalry that was progressing between them, but he was extremely curious to know where that all stemmed from.
“We grew up together in the same neighbourhood,” he started without question. “We went to the same schools, and I used to play with him on the weekends. But after a while, he started to change; he didn’t want to be friends anymore. Looking back, I’m not even really sure we were friends to begin with…” Izuku wore a pensive look as he questioned the nature of their no-longer-existing ‘friendship’.
“What changed, if you don’t mind me asking?” He didn’t like to pry too much into Izuku’s childhood, not when the memories were unpleasant, but if the boy was willing to share then he was more than happy to listen.
“He got his quirk.” Regret flavoured Izuku’s tone. “And I didn’t… Everyone, me included, always praised him for having this amazing quirk, and the stronger he got, the more he began to look down on everyone.” Finally the origins of Bakugo’s God complex had been revealed, and it all made perfect sense. “My mum got me examined when I was four, and after I was told that I wasn’t born with a quirk of my own, my father left, and Kacchan started to push me away. For a while he’d just call me ‘quirkless Deku’ and push me around because I was useless, but after that…”
The more Shouta heard, the less he wanted to know. Their relationship was far more complicated then he could have imagined, and yet, the way Izuku often spoke about Bakugo, made it sound like the kid admired him. “What happened after that…?” He needed to know just how far Katsuki had taken his bullying of Izuku, because that was exactly what he was: a bully.
“He’d threaten me, destroy my things. I was defenceless against him because he had power and I didn’t. It didn’t matter how much I tried to stand up to him; he would always force me to back down.” The kid looked so ashamed of himself for having let his peer walk all over him from such a young age. But Izuku, born without a quirk, not of his own choosing, had been made prey and taken advantage on by someone blessed with a wealth of natural power. He had done all that he could in order to survive.
Shouta had heard enough, and seen enough with his own two eyes to know that Bakugo needed to be knocked down a peg or four. Next time he saw him threatening another student, or insulting someone, he was going to be a little firmer in dishing out punishments. The kid had gotten away with far too much in his life, and Shouta wasn’t planning on being lenient with the boy any longer. He thought he was done, but there was still one more thing he needed to know… “What was the worst thing he ever did to you…?”
Izuku’s eyes immediately sought out Shouta’s, a certain sense of uncertainty lingering within their depths. “It wasn’t really that bad, actually,” Izuku stated seriously, though his attempt at shrugging it off wasn’t as effective as he’d hoped. Even know, he still heard Bakugo’s cruel words echoing around in his head.
“What was it?” Shouta pressed anxiously, surprised that Izuku was facing the difficult question head on rather than trying to deflect it.
Izuku took a deep breath. Once he said this, there was no taking it back. He just hoped Shouta, who had grown increasingly protective over him, didn’t react too extremely to his answer. Downplaying it didn’t seem to work, but he couldn’t not tell him now. “He told me how I could be a hero…” He couldn’t do it; he couldn’t keep looking the man in the eye. He could feel the rage burning inside of him already. “…That I should hope for a quirk in my next life and take a swan dive off the roof…”
Shouta froze, actually froze in place as his mind repeated back to him what Izuku just said. The boy in question, meanwhile, had unconsciously curled in on himself, preparing for Shouta to explode in anger. But rather than shouting, he stated flatly, not even as a question… “Bakugo told you to kill yourself.” The hero was so furious he was beyond the point of yelling.
He couldn’t seem to get past it, the words ‘take a swan dive of the roof’ playing tauntingly in his head, over and over. The brat was extremely lucky that this had occurred before he and Izuku had enrolled at UA, or Shouta would have returned to the school and expelled him immediately. “He had no right,” he seethed, making sure Izuku knew just how far out of line the other boy had stepped. “He ever says that to you again, or anyone else for that matter, he can kiss his dream of being a hero goodbye. I refuse to stand by and watch any of my students attempt to take their lives because another ordered them to. Especially you…”
“I don’t think he meant it,” Izuku added weakly, trying to get Bakugo out of Shouta’s line of fire.
“Whether it was intended or not, the fact that he said it still remains.” He pushed himself off the floor, intending to go on a spontaneous patrol in the hopes of clearing his head. He didn’t want to hear any more out of fear that it was just going to make him even angrier. “I’m gonna head out for a while, blow off some steam.” He had taken two steps towards the door when Izuku’s arm shot out to take his wrist.
“Wait!” He cried, startling both of them with his sense of urgency. Then, a little more calmly, “Please…” Shouta returned to the boy, seeing the pleading look on his face, and this time sat down on the floor right beside him. “There’s something else… While we’re talking…” He stopped and started, not really sure how to begin. He’d been feeling more than a little overwhelmed recently, and talking to Shouta had really seemed to help. Usually he’d just try and keep his thoughts and feelings to himself, but right now, everything seemed a little too much to bear.
Shouta could see the apprehension on his face as he reached out to him, but admired the kid’s courage for being able to do so. He slung an arm across the smaller pair of shoulders and drew the kid right to his side. “There’s something else you want to talk about?” He confirmed, to which the boy nodded hesitantly. “Okay, Izuku; I’m listening. Take a deep breath.” The boy did as instructed, releasing a shuddery exhale as he tried to calm his racing nerves. The change in Izuku’s demeanour in the last minute alone had been astounding. “Just take your time, kid; there’s no rush.”
“I… I think, that…maybe…” The way the boy stumbled over his words in his anxiety was almost too painful to watch. He was nervous and jittery and the hero didn’t like the way his hands had started to tremble.
“Shh, relax,” he soothed, guiding the kid’s head over to rest against his chest with his left hand, while his right blanketed the boy’s own. He was doing everything within his power to provide Izuku with as much comfort and reassurance as possible. “Do you want me to call Toshi in?” He asked, hoping that his presence would aid him in calming the boy further. But Izuku shook his head against the man’s chest, declining the offer. “Are you sure?” This time he received no response, but he believed he had some idea as to why Izuku hadn’t agreed. “Easier to talk one-on-one?” He guessed, and this time, got a nod for his troubles. That was more than okay; if Izuku preferred to talk to him alone in this case, then he wasn’t going to object.
“I think…” He tried again, finding it easier second time around now that his face was buried within the fabric of Shouta’s shirt. He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous about approaching this particular topic, especially since it had come up in multiple conversations before now. He guessed that he was embarrassed, more than anything. “I think that…I need to…talk to someone…” He trailed off quietly, kinda hoping that his father hadn’t managed to hear what he had said.
Out of all the scenarios that had been playing out in the hero turned teacher turned father’s head, this most certainly had not been one of them. “Someone…like a professional…?” He prodded gently, keenly aware that this was an extremely sensitive topic for the boy. When he and Toshi had suggested therapy in the past, Izuku had always shut them down, insisting that he didn’t need it. So to have him admit he needed help was a huge step forward, and Shouta was hit with the realisation that the boy had to have been struggling a lot more than he’d been letting on.
“I guess…” He sighed defeatedly, hating that he was stooping so low. “Or maybe you, or Toshi…?” He added hopefully. “…I’m not really sure.”
“Izuku, we can’t and won’t force you to do anything you don’t wanna do, but if you feel like you need to talk to someone about everything that’s happened to you, then we will support you 100%, whether that someone is one or both of us, or whoever else you choose. If you need to get things off your chest and aren’t comfortable sitting with a therapist, you can always turn to Toshi and I day or night, no matter what. If I have to walk out of a class or quit working as a hero to get you better I will do so without question. The state of your mental health is far more important to me than anything.” He stated with such conviction, that without even an ounce of doubt Izuku took his word for it.
The hand that had been holding the boy close began to pat his hair gently, and Izuku leaned into the touch. It was times like this where he almost felt normal again. “Have you not been doing very well lately?” Shouta asked after a few minutes, though he already knew the answer. This way, though, he could provide an opening to let Izuku tell him how he was actually feeling, rather than him just guessing.
“No,” Izuku whispered, ashamed that his world was crumbling at a faster rate than he was able to piece it back together. “Not for a while…”
There it was, the one tiny, little, massive admission that Shouta had been waiting to hear. Chest constricting tightly, an uncomfortable thickness settling in the back of his throat, he tried to decide what the best course of action would be from here. Quietly, he cleared his throat, trying not to let his own emotions show. “I know it’s not easy saying things out loud when you’re hurting so deeply, but do you feel like talking to me about what’s been on your mind…? And before you answer, know that I’m not going to push you into saying anything you’re not comfortable with. However, I will listen to anything you want to say, regardless of what it is…”
The teen sighed and opened his mouth to speak, not even really sure of what he had wanted to say. Once upon a time, he had cowered away from the man that was currently holding him protectively in his arms, but after everything, he honestly believed that he could tell Shouta anything. “I’ve had too many things on my mind and I feel like I can’t cope anymore,” he eventually settled on, aware of just how vague his statement had been.
“Izuku,” Shouta started kindly, “you’ve suffered more in 16 years than most adults do in a lifetime. This hell that you’re living through is not normal; it’s understandable that you don’t feel like you can handle it, and no one expects you to be able to struggle through it all alone. And do you know what? It’s okay to not be okay, and just like right now, it’s okay for you to reach out and ask for help. Any time, not just when things become too much to bear.”
The kid sighed sadly, looking all of half his actual age. “I don’t like asking you and Toshi for help. You have your own problems, and I feel like I’m-”
“I swear to whatever god is listening,” Shouta intervened, “if you say you feel like you’re a burden to us, I’m gonna crawl into bed and watch a dozen videos of kittens being put down and cry myself to sleep.” It wasn’t exactly what Shouta was going for; he had actually been going to threaten something along the lines of stabbing himself in the eye with a fork, but deciding Izuku didn’t need to deal with any more violence in his life, he settled on the next best thing. And, to be fair, it probably would have been more emotionally scarring for him anyway, no matter how dramatic it sounded.
At the thought of his teacher sobbing over a bunch of dead kittens, Izuku wisely decided not to finish that sentence. It was blackmail at its finest, but Shouta was so immensely relieved that didn’t have to follow through with his threat. Besides, the kid had his own unique way of destroying Shouta’s heart. Getting back to the topic at hand, he focused all his attention back on the boy still curled against his chest. “When I said I’d quit my job for you, I meant it, Izuku,” he reinforced. “If you need to talk to someone ever, even if I’m not around, you call me and I’ll do everything in my power to help you,” he swore, meaning every word of it. “Is there anything in particular that’s been on your mind?”
“My mum,” he choked out thickly, and Shouta immediately tightened his grip. That was a lingering pain that he knew all too well… “I thought it was going to get easier, but I still miss her, a lot.”
“Unfortunately it’s not that simple. You will always miss her, Izuku… The grief may lessen over time, but it never truly goes away.” Even after all these years, Shouta continued to live with the pain and regret of not being able to prevent his own mother’s death. “When you think of her, try to remember all the positive memories you made with her, not how she died. I can’t promise it’ll make things any easier, but I can say it’ll at least make the pain a little more bearable…” A single tear rolled down his cheek as the boy succumbed to his own emotions, trembling without a sound in his arms. He wished with everything he had that he could honestly tell the boy that it wouldn’t hurt like this forever.
He continued to pet the boy, giving him all the emotional support that he needed. “It’s alright kid, let it all out; you’ve kept the grief and pain hidden away for far too long. You don’t need to try and put on a brave face for our sakes. If you need help then you need help, and that’s exactly what we’re here for.
“I th-thought…I was going to be okay,” he gulped heavily, trying to breathe through sobs he was doing his best to supress. “You and T-toshi got me through the worst of it. You l-looked after me as though I were your own s-son. Everything was fine, for a while. B-but then…”
“The training camp…” Shouta guessed, knowing exactly where the conversation was headed. “I deeply regret the day I removed you from the safety and protection of UA…”
The student clutched tightly at Shouta’s shirt in a desperate attempt to ground himself. He’d already been struggling with grief and loss, and then he went and let himself be kidnapped, as if having his mother murdered wasn’t heartbreaking enough. With the intensity of his sobs increasing, and the discomfort of having sat on the hard floor for too long setting in, Shouta decided that now would be a good a time to get them somewhere a little more comfortable, somewhere where he could hold the kid tightly until he was ready to be let go.
“I’m gonna move us up to the bed Izuku; do you think you can stand?” The hero carefully extracted himself, supporting a good portion of the boy’s weight as he assisted them both to their feet. And only a second later, he was guiding Izuku back down to sit on the mattress. “Lay down, kid,” he instructed gently, hating himself for letting go so he could position himself down beside the child. Now that they were no longer stuck on the floor, he shuffled over, wrapping his arms tightly around the weeping boy and pulling him flush against his chest. “I’ve got you, Izuku. I got you,” he soothed reassuringly as the kid held onto him for dear life. “You’re safe here with me… I promise that I’ll always be here when you need me, no matter what.”
“Every time he hurt me, the things he said…” Izuku struggled to speak after he’d managed to get his ragged breathing under control. “…he made me feel as though I deserved it,” he whimpered brokenly. “…I still feel that way…”
The pro hero attempted to meet the kid’s eyes, but with the way Izuku had burrowed into his chest it was impossible. “He tortured you, kid, in unspeakable ways. Every time he entered that room it was his goal to break you. The more you resisted, the angrier he got, and he took that out on the only other person in the room… But you didn’t deserve that, Izuku, not at all. He used you to manipulate a situation that you had nothing to do with. I need you to understand that nothing you could ever do in life would warrant you being treated that way.”
“I know that, b-but…he messed with my head, made me think things that I never wanted to.”
“Things like what, Izuku…?” Izuku shook his head, realizing he had said too much. “Talk to me, kid,” his adoptive father urged, trying to understand what was going on in the boy’s tortured and fragile mind. “I know it’s painful, but help me understand. Please…”
The next thing that left the teen’s mouth actually scared Shouta. “No. I don’t want to hurt you,” he whispered painfully, afraid of hurting the man who was doing his best to help him through his suffering.
“You’re not gonna hurt me, I promise. Just please…tell me…”
“…I tried to forget about you and Toshi because I was terrified that I’d never get to see you again, and I realised that you were better off without me,” he sobbed harshly. “I felt like I had nothing left to live for, and that everyone would have been better off if I was dead. Sometimes, I still feel that way…” Shouta tensed up. He was wrong, that did hurt; more than he could ever have imagined. Izuku, feeling the shift in his father’s boy, immediately let go and turned away. “S-sorry,” he apologised sincerely, wishing he had’ve kept his mouth shut. But Shouta, quick as lightning, shot out an arm to pull him back.
“Hey, stop.” He commanded gently, trying to get the kid to stop fighting him. “You don’t get to apologise for the way you feel. You were right, that did hurt, but not for the reasons you think. I needed to know the truth, and I’m proud of you for telling me even though it was hard for you to do. I hate that you feel that way and I’m gonna do everything in my power to help. But something I need for you to understand right now, Izuku, is that you are the most important thing in Toshi’s and my life right now, and no matter what thoughts are going through your head, our world would crumble if anything were to happen to you… I need you to promise me that you’ll never try to hurt yourself, kid.”
“I promise,” he stated quietly, almost too quickly. But even though the words he so desperately needed to hear had spilled out of Izuku’s lips, the haunted look that had taken up residence on Shouta’s face continued to remain. When he had said that he refused to stand by and watch any of his students attempt to take their own lives, he didn’t think it might actually have come down to that. His blood ran cold at the thought, a series of shivers running down his spine. Izuku twisted his head to try and gauge Shouta’s face, terrified to see the pain and anguish that he wore. Feeling the slight movement, Shouta too tilted his head down, heart clenching painfully at the boy’s face; flushed, covered in tear tracks, his usually brilliant eyes dull, red and swollen from crying. “I promise.”
The hero clenched his jaw tightly, but it was too late. The rush of emotions hit him at a dizzying speed, so quickly and unexpected that he didn’t even get the chance to turn away in shame as the first, heaving sob broke free. He clutched his boy protectively, feeling him succumb to his emotions once more at the sight, burying his face into the kid’s messy green locks as he tried to pull himself back together. In unison, they cried brokenly in despair, the seriousness of the conversation having too great a toll on their mental state to resist fighting their emotions any longer.
After all this time, Shouta fully understood the ramifications of Izuku’s nearly fatal experience during his brief imprisonment by Shigaraki. Not just the disgusting injuries he had inflicted on the child’s body, but also the unbelievable damage he had caused the boy’s young and already fragile mind.
As the hero wore himself into an exhausted sleep, Izuku still cradled protectively against his chest, two final thoughts flitted through his mind; One, Toshinori was probably going to have a mental breakdown, possibly even suffer from heart failure at the day’s revelations. And two, when he found that sick son of a bitch, and he would, he was going to make him suffer a fate so gruesome that he’d be begging Shouta to put him out of his misery…