Chapter Text
It takes a few weeks for Shiratorizawa to get back on its feet. They’ve all changed, but there’s some semblance of normalcy once the gang goes on a mission as a whole again: a relatively large arms deal with Johzenji, no casualties. But in the time that Shiratorizawa went silent, word had gotten out about what happened to Goshiki, and in turn what happened to Wakutani South. The other gangs—Karasuno, Nekoma, Aoba Johsai and more—had heard through the grapevine about Wakutani South’s betrayal against Ushijima. Suga of Karasuno was told about Goshiki being shot when Nakashima reached out, desperate for some support. Suga had turned them away, believing that whatever Wakutani South had coming would be well deserved.
What none of the other gangs expected was the single-man massacre that occurred only a few days after the unexplained silence of Shiratorizawa. When there was no word of Wakutani South for days, word finally got out that not only had Ushijima sought revenge on the underling that killed Goshiki, but he had taken out the entire gang by himself. Rumors circulated, describing Ushijima as a man gone rogue, no one able to believe that the usually stoic and reasonable Ushijima could kill six people at once. It struck fear in the other large gangs, and made them weary of Shiratorizawa and it’s leader.
Shiratorizawa goes on its first full team mission four weeks after Goshiki’s death, except it’s not really a full team mission because Tendou stays home. They all come back unscathed, much to Ushijima’s relief. What they hadn’t been expecting upon their return home was a kitchen counter littered with cartons of ice cream containers. It serves to provide relief for a moment, some semblance of normalcy until they notice a small pint of ice cream on the counter, containing a flavor that only Goshiki liked. Most of Shiratorizawa prefers simple and popular flavors like chocolate or cookie dough or strawberry, but Tendou always made sure to keep a little carton of black cherry vanilla in the freezer just for Goshiki.
Most of the members know better than to question Tendou about the out of place ice cream, treading warily around it as they get their own bowls. There’s a thick tension that fills the kitchen that’s only cut once Shirabu clears his throat.
“Why is that out?” He asks with a certain amount of venom in his voice, but it’s only there because the former setter doesn’t know how to vocalize his feelings without expressing aggression. His eyes narrow into a glare as the quiet room drops into silence.
Tendou stares down at the bowl of black cherry ice cream in his hands and only hesitates for half a moment before he goes to set it down at Goshiki’s usual spot at the large dining table. “It’s for-” he breaths, but doesn’t finish the sentence. Tendou takes a seat at the table and the rest of Shiratorizawa follows. Ushijima always sits at the head with Tendou to his right and Goshiki next to Tendou, but now there’s an empty spot. Shirabu rounds the table and moves to pick up the bowl of black cherry vanilla ice cream, but Reon shoots him a look and he backs off, meekly walking back to his own seat. The rest of them all keep their eyes down, afraid of the painful expression that is sure to have settled on Tendou’s face.
The volleyball team turned gang eats their celebratory ice cream in silence. There aren’t words to be said anyways. The mission they had just completed was relatively low risk, an arms deal with Johzenji. Money had been exchanged for goods and nothing more. No other gang had yet to approach Shiratorizawa once they had learned what Ushijima had done to Wakutani South. A solemness hangs over the table like a dark cloud that threatens to release its stormy contents at any second. Ushijima sits at the head of the table and eats his ice cream quietly, glancing to his right every so often to sneak a look at Tendou, who’s barely brought the spoon to his mouth. Chocolate ice cream is usually exempt from the redhead’s peckish appetite.
It was a Shiratorizawa tradition to eat ice cream together after a successful mission. It started back when they were all still in high school, and it had just stuck. It was Tendou’s suggestion, of course, seeing as chocolate ice cream was the redhead’s favourite food and he could most certainly eat his weight in it if he wanted to. They had won a game, just a practice game but it was Tendou’s first match he and Ushijima played together in their first year. The next time they won a game, they got ice cream with Reon. And the game after that, they brought Semi and Yamagata along, too. Since then, Shiratorizawa’s way of welcoming new first year players was to take them out to ice cream after their first match with the team, and special trips were made for victories, too. Ice cream after missions seemed like a natural progression of their tradition, a celebration of surviving another day together, whether that be on the court or on the streets.
But things are different now—without Goshiki. Tendou doesn’t go on missions anymore. Even if he could bring himself to, Ushijima wouldn’t let him. He had always been a protective person, and he had trusted that his teammates could take care of themselves, but that was before. Ushijima can no longer trust himself to call the shots, afraid that he’ll make a mistake and put another member in danger. Instead, he relinquishes himself to be the force that carries out missions with little regard for his own safety, while putting the responsibility of decision making into Tendou’s hands. It’s a lot, but planning missions and holding negotiation meetings gives Tendou some semblance of control back.
But even so, it still hurts. There are nights that Ushijima wakes up in bed alone, only to find that Tendou has slunk next door into Goshiki’s room and curled himself under the purple covers as if he were hiding from a monster. There are nights that Tendou doesn’t sleep or can’t stop crying or both, and no matter how quiet he tries to be, Ushijima always wakes up. Ushijima’s hands still shake, a slight tremor that only Tendou notices. Ushijima’s shoulders jump whenever he comes home and can’t find Tendou right away, even if the redhead’s just in the shower. Ushijima hovers around the others any time Saito patches up wounds. They both ache and it’s not easy.
Overall, the house has become a lot quieter, and it no longer really feels like a home in the same way that it once did. The Shiratorizawa household feels less like the stronghold of a gang and more like just another occupied building. Team dinners are quiet, but at least there’s a little bit of talking now—but it’s never about the empty spot at the table. There hasn’t been another movie night, and Ushijima still won’t let Tendou go on missions, not that Tendou is really capable of leaving the house to do anything more than grocery shop. Even that’s a challenge. He still buys black cherry vanilla ice cream. He still sets a place for Goshiki at the table every time they all sit together, and Reon is always the one who cleans it up afterwards. No one says anything about it. On days that he can get out of bed, Tendou busies himself with things to do around the house. He does laundry and washes Goshiki’s clothes despite the fact that they haven’t been worn recently and won’t ever be worn again, but the repetitiveness of the act is somewhat comforting.
Tendou finds a list one day while he is doing laundry, folded up and shoved in the back of one of Goshiki’s dresser drawers. The paper is slightly yellowed with age, and the ink is a little blown out but still legible. Scrawled across the top is messy handwriting that says “bucket list”. The list isn’t too long, only about eight lines are written.
-go to Nationals
-learn to skateboard
-keep a plant alive for at least one year
-have a New Years Eve kiss
-go rock climbing
-swim in every major ocean
-get tattoos filled in with colour
At the very bottom, the last line is circled twice and marked with a star: ‘make Tendou and Ushijima proud’.
Tendou flips the paper over because for an instant he’s convinced that there will be something else, but there isn’t of course. Goshiki hadn’t left the list with the intent for someone to find it. Tendou presses the piece of paper close to his chest and slumps down to the floor. He reads it over and over again, taking note of which lines were crossed off and which had not yet been fulfilled. It serves only as a reminder that Goshiki had so much left ahead of him and it tugs at Tendou’s heart strings. It isn’t fair. Goshiki was supposed to be the one mourning him when they were old and wrinkled. Tendou and Ushijima weren’t supposed to bury Goshiki. It just isn’t fair. They chose this life and Tendou knows that, but that still doesn’t make it fair.
Tendou marches downstairs with a serious look of determination on his face and tapes the list to the refrigerator with satisfaction. He takes a step back and looks at the list fondly even though it makes his heart ache. Ushijima finds Tendou still standing in front of the refrigerator a few minutes later. The redhead’s eyes are a bit glassy, but there’s a slight smile on his face. Ushijima slips his arms around his boyfriend’s waist and rests his chin on Tendou’s shoulder. He feels his own eyes begin to prickle with hot tears once he realizes what Tendou has been staring at.
“He wasn’t supposed to go before us,” Tendou says, his voice a little choked.
Ushijima nods. “I miss him too.” He grabs a stray pen off the kitchen counter and strikes a line through the last point on the list; Goshiki had always made him and Tendou proud.