Chapter Text
Dear Harry,
I hope you know what these letters mean to me. Just reading the words ‘you shouldn’t punish yourself’ and hearing them in your voice has done wonders in a way I don’t think you grasp.
Your assessment about age is an intriguing one. We talk often about our childhoods being ripped away from us, but not as us as children fighting the war. Though I am not sure being older would have changed much of what I did. If I’d still had the same friends and cared about the same people, I probably would have made very similar calls later in life.
In terms of my hair, I haven’t given it much thought. I am very attached to the length I’ve maintained it at.
With quiet love,
Ginny
“Draco?” Potter asked in the library a couple days later, “Do you understand this bit about the mugroot in this potion?”
“Which bit?” Potter pointed to his scroll, but Draco couldn’t see it from where he was seated at the other table. So Potter stood up and took Luna’s seat next to him. She had gone with Ginny to help her look for a book for some essay. Draco had winked at her as they disappeared between the stacks.
“Oh, that’s a little tricky,” he said and explained how without the mugroot, there’d be nothing to stabilize the rest of the mixture, “That’d be about where you’d lose your eyebrows. I’d reckon to say that your glasses wouldn’t appreciate it either.”
Potter laughed a little and pushed his glasses to the bridge of his nose. Then ran his fingers through his hair. Draco smiled knowingly.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you make a joke not directed at somebody.”
“My friends happen to find me very amusing. Also, I can’t recall the last time you made a joke either.”
“I suppose neither of us are known for their humour.”
“Did you not hear what I just said? I’m incredibly comedic. Ask Cho if you don't believe me.” Potter laughed lightly again, this time rolling his eyes. Then he looked back down at his homework and got back to work without getting up to move. Draco realized that if he just moved a little bit their legs would be touching. Then promptly set about getting that idea out of his head. He had Charms homework to finish.
“I don’t think I paid enough attention in class today, I’m not even sure I get this question.”
“Was something distracting you?” Pansy had been pestering him throughout the whole lesson, so Draco hadn't spent his time taking in every detail of Potter’s demeanor. Though the urge to write it all down had been subsiding since this whole letter proposition began.
“Almost fell asleep, actually. Was up late thinking about some letters I have to respond to. Stupid thing to lose sleep over when there are so many other things that make sleeping hard.” Draco’s heart stopped dead in his rib cage. Potter wasn’t even looking at him though. You asked a question, Draco told himself, he’s just giving you an answer because that is how conversation flows. Don’t do anything reckless, like say he’s just eighteen and should forgive himself for acting that way.
“Well that’s annoying, but I understood today’s lesson so let me help. See here,” he reached to pull out his Potions notes and work. He pointed to the part Potter was asking about so he could teach him what they'd covered in the second half of the lesson. It was only when Potter tensed slightly did he realize his error. Potter’s eyes stuck immediately to the words on the page. Draco tried to ignore it, pretend nothing was happening and kept talking. He began walking Potter through what they had learned. Potter just sat there silently staring.
“Dinner time, finally,” Dean said and Draco wanted to give him a hug for the excuse to get out of the library as fast as possible. He stopped talking mid-sentence and started packing up his stuff. Potter did not seem to notice, Granger would have to reteach him it all later, Draco doubted Potter had heard a word of what he said.
“Oh hello, Harry,” Luna said, showing back up again with Ginny at her side, “Do you mind if I get my bags, please?” Draco had already stood up and began heading towards the door.
“Um, yeah, sure, uh, Ginny, can I talk to you for a sec?” Potter asked and Draco ran away before anything else could happen.
***
“Draco, stop pacing so much, you’ll start to tunnel down.” Blaise said. He and Pansy had brought Draco down to the lake to freak out in peace. He still hadn’t managed to tell them the whole story. He just kept saying one word or sentence fragments and then would start freaking out all over again.
So far he’d manage to spit out - handwriting, potions homework, handwriting, Ginny and oh no oh no oh no .
Now he just kept pacing back and forth and back and forth trying to figure out what to do next. Potter had to know that it was him who was writing the letters. There was no way that he didn’t, unless he was profoundly stupid, which he wasn’t if his letters were anything to go by. But Draco had no idea how Potter felt about it.
He hadn’t seemed mad about it, but then again he’d gone into a state of shock so it was all up in the air as to what came next. He’d asked to speak to Ginny and didn’t seem all that mad at her either so maybe that was a good sign. Draco just didn’t know.
Draco couldn’t think about not writing the letters anymore. What the loss of them would mean to him. What it would be to lose the little island of safety they’d created together. To not have someone telling him it was okay to forgive himself. Especially because he hadn't completely forgiven himself yet. He’d just started to, just started to smile again and have friends, new and old. He’d barely passed the beginning and didn’t want to face the rest of the journey without Potter.
He should go find Ginny and ask her what happened. Or better yet find Luna too and have her hold his hand while he got filled in.
“Um, Draco. Draco, you have visitors.” As if summoned by his thoughts Luna was coming toward him, along with Ginny and Potter. Oh no oh no oh no oh no.
“Want to hex me into oblivion, Pans?”
“Nope, sorry.”
“Blaise?”
“No can do, my friend.”
Ginny hurried a few paces ahead and came to talk to him first.
“Okay, so um, Harry knows that it’s you who’s been writing him letters and not me. He’s actually known it’s been not me for a while now, but that’s not the point. The point is he wants to talk to you. Also, I realized I don’t really like him.”
“I have follow up questions.”
“You can ask anything you want later, for now you are going to talk to Harry and sort this all out. And this time you really don’t have a choice.”
“I never do, do I?” The longer he talked to her, the more he put off talking to Potter.
“No, you don’t. Now quit stalling and get over there.” Draco looked over at Potter, who stared at him, his face doing something that Draco didn’t recognize. “Just go.” She said again and pushed him.
He had very limited options if he didn’t want to turn and literally run away. So he went up to Potter, who was wearing his uncomfortable smile, and did not look him in the eye. Instead Draco looked at the grass and thought about how’d he describe the way it was all crushed under his foot.
“Want to go for a walk?” Potter asked and Draco nodded. They walked in awkward silence until they were out of ear shot of their friends. Draco tried to figure how to phrase his apology, which was especially hard because he hated apologizing, plus he was terrible at it. He was going to get the words all wrong - this is why he preferred writing, more time to think.
“I think I should start,” Potter said, “I’ll say what happened and then you tell me if there is anything that needs clarifying. For unimportant reasons, Ginny came to you with a plan to get me to like her, where you wrote love letters to me for her. In exchange, she invited you to hang out with her friends to help restore your reputation.”
“That would be correct,” Draco said. He still couldn’t tell what Potter was feeling.
“I’m not finished. So I started replying and all the letters I thought were going to Ginny were also going to you and you were the one replying. All those insights about me and life were all you. All the talk about safety and diaries and confessions - all of that was with you and not Ginny. In fact she had nothing to do with the writing of them at all.”
“That would be correct, yes.”
“Okay so now that we have all the facts down, I’m going to tell you the bits you don’t know. I’ve known for a while that Ginny wasn’t the one writing me letters. There was too much of a disconnect between her and the person writing. I even addressed a couple differently once I was certain. I mean Gin is great and so smart, but she did not notice my yawns or write down these ideas about quiet and reclaiming Hogwarts. When she talks about the war, which she doesn’t much with me, it’s not in terms of thought experiments or indecision. It’s about fighting to protect people or about her brother.
“So I know I’m writing to someone and I’m trying to figure who. I know Ginny is pretending to be the one, so it has to be someone she’s close to. But none of our friends sound like this person, even in our contemplative moments. Now I did a fair amount of investigating last year, actually in all my years of school, so this part wasn’t really that hard. Around the same time these letters start popping up, Ginny all of a sudden befriends life-long prick, Draco Malfoy. And then in my first real conversation with you, you all but quote the current conversation we are having in the letters.
“At first I thought, maybe Ginny shared them with you, but she would never do that. My next thought was that it had to be a coincidence because no way you noticed all these things about me and were interested in my hair. But then I saw your notes earlier and no one can ignore that much evidence. I’m honestly kinda surprised that neither of you thought about handwriting. There’s got to be a spell or something to mimic handwriting and you’re both so smart and I don’t get how you missed that.
“But see the thing is, I’m not angry. I ought to be, but I’m not, which is confusing. So I figured I’d give you a chance to explain your side of the story. We’ll see how I feel after, I guess.”
Draco had never heard Potter say so many words at once. It was all so overwhelming and so surreal. He knew Potter wasn’t stupid, but listening to his thought process was mesmerizing. This is the part where you say something, Draco told himself, you best figure it out quick. He took a deep breath.
“I didn’t mean for them to get so personal. Ginny recruited me because she found out I write stuff down about people. All the time, not just you,” Potter’s face did another thing that Draco hadn’t witnessed before, “It’s a coping mechanism my mother taught me. Whenever the memories surface and I’m back there, I start writing down everything I see in as much detail as possible. I tend to write what I notice about people, mostly in the moment. The way a girl would wrap her hair around her fingers or how someone would use their quill to flick a piece of dust off their robes.” He almost started listing more to calm down, but realized that Potter probably got the point.
“I thought that I would write a few letters for Ginny with some observations, you’d ask her out and that would be it. But you wrote back and you kept writing back and it got personal. You started sharing all these private things with me and reassuring me. I should have stopped, but I couldn’t. I meant what I said about needing to hear it.” He was struck again by how easy it was to be vulnerable in front of Potter. Whatever magic the letters contained it transferred to in person interaction. Despite the pounding in his ears and the cold breeze, the world was quiet, “I meant everything I wrote.”
He took a deep breath and let himself look at Potter. He stared at Draco, scanning his face. Draco didn’t know what he was looking for. His body just paused in the moment waiting for Potter to say something. Every second that dragged, another little part of Draco threaten to break. All the pieces he’d been carefully putting back together for the last couple of months threatened to collapse. How terrifying that one person held so much power over him again.
“I told you things I’ve never told anyone and you were lying to me. Those letters are some of my most private things, I told no one about them, not even Ron and Hermione. But for you? You could say anything and not get hurt because you weren’t really being you. I should be furious with you and I am upset, but ugh, I don’t know what I think. I think I need time to process all of this.”
“I understand,” Draco said and he felt himself begin to buckle under the weight of the oncoming rubble.
“Well, good night then, I guess.” Potter said and headed back up toward the castle. They’d stopped walking at some point in the conversation, so Draco stood there by himself. “Oh, but one thing, Draco,” Potter said, turning around, “I also meant what I said in the letters, you don’t have to punish yourself for your mistakes.” And then he was gone and Draco didn't crumble.
***
The next few days dragged on in a blur. It wasn’t as if they’d been exchanging letters on a daily basis, but Draco still felt the lack of them. Ginny had given him all of the ones Potter wrote and Draco reread them so many times he had them memorized. But he kept coming back to them.
He also felt a distinct lack of Potter’s general presence. He didn’t come to the library to do work and he even managed to make himself disappear from the hallways. The only way Draco knew he was even still at Hogwarts was because they had classes together.
His friends all knew what happened. Blaise, who had hidden all of Draco’s alcohol, poured him one drink. Pansy had brought his head down to her lap and did a bunch of tiny little braids, undid them and then did them again. Neither said they were sorry, thank Merlin. Draco couldn't think of a word he hated more than sorry. They did what they always did, sat with him and didn’t push. He told them he loved them before going to bed.
He did get to ask his follow up questions to Ginny.
“So you don’t have feelings for him?”
“I thought I did. And think I might have at some point, but no, I don’t. He’s wonderful and an amazing friend, but he’s not for me. All that stuff you guys talked about in the letters was so much deeper than anything he and I had. I also realized that I did have that kind of connection, just with, um, someone else.”
“Someone else?” If she said any name other than Luna’s Draco was going to punch her.
“Well I haven’t told them yet, but yeah.”
“Who is it?”
“It’s, uh, well it’s Luna.” She said it so quietly he almost didn’t hear her. She leaned forward and put her forearms on her knees and looked directly at the floor as she said it.
“You should tell her,” he said, thanking anyone that was out there for this moment. Luna was going to be ecstatic.
“Really? Do you think she likes me back? We hang out loads and we talk about everything and anything and sometimes I think we might kiss, but we never talk about romantic stuff.”
“That’s because she likes you and therefore has had nothing to say to you on the subject because you were too busy pining after Potter.”
“I have to go!” Ginny squealed and reached for her things, “Where do you think she is now? Oh Merlin, I have to find her. This is so exciting. I can’t believe she likes me, oh what?” She bounced out of the chair, prepared to run.
Before she could dash off, Draco said, “Gin, if you hurt her I will kill you, understood?”
“Hey, we’re friends too!”
“Understood?”
“I’m not going to hurt her. Have you looked at her? She’s beautiful.” Draco laughed to himself as she raced off.
***
It was over a week before he got the letter.
Draco,
It feels both strange and more right to be writing your name. Also knowing it’s you makes it much easier to reply to your last letter. So in terms of age and life choices for you, I think you might be right about your assessment that for you it wasn’t about age, but about surroundings. But I remember you in sixth year, you didn’t exactly seem the most willing of pawns. I know that you were changing.
You should also know that this is my hundredth attempt at writing this. I kind of hate that the feeling of safety hasn’t faded, it would make it easier to be angry.
Also now that you don’t have to pretend to be someone else, can I get the honest plan for your hair? Again you seem so invested in mine, I feel it’s only fair and you most definitely owe me.
- Harry
Dear Harry,
It was strange to see my name at the top and I’m sure it will be strange as well to sign it at the bottom. But I’m glad it feels right to you as well.
I still grapple with the fact that you thought you didn’t have insights. Just because you don’t notice hair or the way people wear their glasses, doesn’t mean you aren’t perceptive. You are also incredibly good at telling over stories. You barely stuttered or paused during your whole explanation of our situation, it was quite impressive. It’s that same confidence you have while playing Quidditch. Straight to the point, no time for anything else.
My hair is an interesting subject, I’ve contemplated multiple styles. I know I would look amazing with it longer, but I was telling the truth when I said I was quite attached to the length it is now.
Sincerely,
Draco
p.s - strange but good
Draco,
You’ve caught on to another fact about me that I am actually aware of. Over the years I’ve gotten quite proficient at telling stories, mainly to teachers. I’ve sat in the Headmistress’s office many times and explained what had happened, whatever it was that I'd managed to get myself into that time. Seems as though I’ve gotten good at it.
And don’t think I didn’t notice the fact that you failed to respond to my observation about how you were changing before this year. I can’t say I one hundred percent understand parental pressure, but I do know what it is for people to have expectations of you that you never signed up for. And you resisted turning into one of them when it mattered most. Don’t think I don’t know that without you, I’d be dead.
Hair wise I do not have much expertise, so I can’t really comment on your hair. At this point, I’ve decided to keep mine long, but will need help learning what looks I’ll actually be able to pull off. Know any experts I can ask?
-Harry
Dear Harry,
Again, how did you ever think you were unobservant? Maybe you were just always paying attention to the thing that was trying to kill you, so you missed out on what regular teenagers get to think about. Like sixth year, Pansy had this whole torrid romance with someone and I completely just missed it.
I am not going to avoid the subject at hand though. I don’t know when I started changing. When I was a kid, everything my father said was like gold. The more he told me things, the more I wanted to learn. I held onto them and to his ideology. It was pretty easy honestly, there was nothing to contradict it all and my father was powerful and I could have anything I wanted. I think he never expected for the Dark Lord to return. He was vile and twisted and even my father looked away sometimes. Maybe if I’d been at home the whole time, if I wasn’t exposed to anything else, then I would have become the Death Eater they wanted. Instead I was here, interacting with living contradictions to their preachings. My father taught me many things, and one of them was to not have a soft head. Granger was probably the hardest blow to it all, at the least the hardest to ignore. Best in every class and Muggleborn.
I am more than happy to show you as many styles as you like in regards to your hair. I happen to have many opinions.
Sincerely,
Draco
p.s - i can completely imagine little twelve year old Potter sitting in the Headmistress’s office explaining how Lockhart was an idiot
“Now hand me the hair tie, thank you.” Harry passed it to Draco who had his hands tangled up in Harry’s hair. “That should do it, the perfect messy bun.”
“What’s the point of spending ten minutes fussing over it, just to have it be messy?” Harry went to look at his reflection in a conjured mirror. In the last two months, they’d been hanging out more and more and were currently with all their friends in one of the courtyards.
“Don’t ask him that, please Potter. He’ll go off and as glad as I am to have fussy Draco back, I did not miss the rants.” Blaise sat on the next bench over reading a book and giving commentary on Draco the hairdresser.
“Oh shut it, I wasn’t going to rant. Now Harry, there are a couple of strands that need fixing.” Draco lied. Certainly not the sake of putting his hands in Harry’s hair again or for the excuse to be close to him.
“Sure there are,” Blaise whispered in his book.
***
“Why did I spend the first bit of this year drinking? I’m going to fail.” They were studying for exams and Draco just wanted to go to sleep.
“You drank at the beginning of the year?” Harry asked from his usual seat on Draco’s left.
“I came to nearly every class hungover. It’s ruined me academically.” Ginny rolled her eyes at him. She sat next to Luna who occupied Draco’s right.
“Oh come on now, don’t be so dramatic, you’ll do fine. Quit complaining.”
“I have follow up questions on the drinking,” Harry whispered to him. The table was always really cramped and Draco felt Harry's breath in his ear.
“Later, now we’re studying. Put it in a letter.” The letter writing had remained mostly the same over their months of friendship, but letter delivery had changed. It now became a complex game of delivering without the other person noticing. Sneaking it into each other's bag or amongst their papers. Charming it so only the other could open it and finding complicated ways to get their friends involved. And one time, quite spectacularly, Harry managed to slip it into the pockets of Draco’s robes without him realizing.
Their friendship was ultimately bizarre. Once Harry wrote that first letter, it was still a couple of days before they saw each other in person. Another couple weeks until they really started talking in person. Harry was still hurt that he’d been lied to and kept away. But the letters never stopped. Harry continued to vent his frustration at his lack of anger until Granger finally told him to shut it and get over himself.
Draco wasn’t there at the time, but apparently she said something along the lines of, “Stop acting all butthurt. Yes, they both betrayed your trust, but you aren’t angry because they didn’t do it to hurt you. You’ve already forgiven them and you clearly still trust Malfoy because you’re always going off to write to him, so get over yourself and be happy. You owe it to yourself to be happy.”
***
Draco had always been physically affectionate with his friends, so he had no qualms of treating Harry the same way. The brunette, easily flustered at first, quickly adapted. He left his hand on Draco’s knee, he’d walk with arms linked back to the castle with him, Ginny and Luna. He knew when to hold Draco’s hand when he told a dark story and when to slap him for being a prick.
The only thing that got frustrating was Draco’s constantly elevated heart rate. How could he still allow one person to have so much control over him? He thought about Harry constantly, it got quite infuriating. And every little thought he scrawled out in a letter and Harry responded with observations of his own. Many of them going back to sixth year.
It was before Easter when it happened. The whole lot of them were down by the lake again. They really didn’t fit in the library comfortably. Neville and Cho were learning from Weasley how to skip rocks; Blaise, Pansy and Granger were in a heated argument about some book Draco hadn’t gotten around to reading yet; others were practicing some spells on the banks. The day was much more pleasant than the majority of the evenings Draco had frequented the lake during the winter. No heating charms needed.
“Oh there you two are. You do know it’s rude to ditch your friends to go make out, right?” Draco teased when Ginny and Luna finally showed up. He and Harry were lounging under a tree, both had their backs pressed up against the trunk.
“You should try it sometime.” Ginny teased right back. “Or would you get too lost in thinking of ways to describe it in a letter to Harry later?” The four of them laughed, but Draco looked to Harry who looked at him. Draco did not disclose that he had imagined the many different possibilities of what kissing Harry would be like. Only a few of them ended with rejection. Harry's fingers were very close to his own, resting on the grass, Draco reached out and Harry reached back. They weren’t quite holding hands, but their fingertips entwined.
“I would not be thinking about that when I kiss. I have a very single minded focus on whatever task I am in the midst of.”
“And yet you can write a portrait of notes about the room and still be able to understand homework.” Harry said.
“Who’s side are you on?”
“The side that gets you to make that face. That’s the one. Here comes the nose twitch,” he loudly whispered to Luna.
“I taught you how to spot that. You're using my ways against me.”
“Yes, I am,” Harry said and then completely took Draco’s hand. Another thing he’d learned from Draco about Draco - he got more of a word in edgewise if he held Draco’s hand.
The conversation moved on and on they all chatted. It was a day off and they’d all decided they needed a break so no one had anywhere to go. The time drifted on and Draco rested his head on Harry’s shoulder at one point and next he knew he was being gently shaken awake.
“Draco, it’s time to head back inside. Everyone else’s already gone. C’mon, wake up.”
“Fine, if I must, but I’m comfortable.”
“And my back is killing like a bitch, I haven’t moved for over an hour, sleepyhead.” Draco reluctantly sat up and stretched and Harry did the same. Then he stood and pulled Draco up after him. He even got a thank you for all his efforts.
“Draco,” Harry said as Draco turned to head back to the castle, “You’re always honest with me, right?”
“Of course, why do you ask?” Draco had been nothing but honest with Harry since he found out about his and Ginny’s deal. In fact he told Harry almost everything. He turned back to face him.
“Do you ever write observations down about people that you don’t tell me about?”
“Not many, no. I’ve stopped writing most of my observations down, the memories don’t bother me as much.” This made Harry smile. His only smile that was genuine, but didn't make his eyes crinkle, it was just too soft.
“I like when you look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re categorizing my face. I know you have a list of my different facial expressions, I like the way you look when you’re filing away. Do you have such a comprehensive list for anyone else.”
“No, I-” and then Harry kissed him. That soft smile covered his open and shocked mouth and then they were kissing. Draco quickly wrapped his arms around Harry’s neck and pressed as much of his body forward as he could. Ginny was wrong, when Harry kissed him every thought in his head emptied out. He couldn’t describe it if he tried.
“Good,” Harry said when they pulled away, “Because I only have such a list for you too.” This time Draco kissed Harry and never intended on stopping.
Draco,
Easter break is almost over and I can’t wait to see you again. Sending you letters through owl is much more dull. Though warning I am enlisting the help of certain Weasley brothers to figure out a way to sneak one into your trousers. Ginny is not being informed of any plans.
Being back at the Manor sounds dreadful, but glad to know that your nightmares aren’t too bad and that you aren’t drinking. Practice flying maybe, as I recall you owe me a match here at the Burrow.
Write as much as you need, I promise to read them all, even if their horribly detailed descriptions of your garden. Or take Ginny’s advice and write how it feels to kiss me because Merlin I miss it
Yours,
Harry