Chapter Text
“Fuck!” Fannihilator shouted, as he tripped over his own cape and onto the rough floor of the Fanlair.
Super Chum reached out a hand and helped him up. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Fannihilator said, brushing him off. “You superheroes are always trying to make sure everyone’s okay.”
“Well, excuse me for helping,” Super Chum said snottily, before breaking out into laughter. Fannihilator laughed too. It was nice that they were able to joke like this now. Super Chum was a part of him, and although their rekindled friendship was different than it had been before, it wasn’t bad different.
“But seriously, did I fuck myself up?” Fannihilator spread his arms. He and Yowl had settled on something between a suit and a dress. The light purple fabric stopped at the base of the bodice and curved out into a long train, showing off tailored green pants. He wore his normal spiked cape over that, with matching opera gloves.
Super Chum gave him a once-over. “All clear.”
“Good,” Fannihilator replied. “Yowl will kill me otherwise.” The supervillainess had spent months making these outfits, as a special gift. She would be pissed if anything happened to her handiwork– Fannihilator’s health was an afterthought.
“She still scares me,” Super Chum commented. “Can you believe we dated?”
“She’s too good for you,” said Fannihilator.
Super Chum rolled his eyes at him. “I don’t need a girlfriend.”
“Yeah, neither do I.”
Super Chum laughed. “Wiseass. Think we better get going?”
“Yeah. Guess I can’t really be late to this, huh?”
“Not unless you want to disappoint a whole bunch of people,” said Super Chum.
“Please, I disappoint people no matter what I do,” Fannihilator said, but he didn’t really mean it.
They jetted off together.
–––––
They arrived at the base of the hill by the nuclear power plant. Yowl and Ant-Lupe were there, but the other people in attendance were out of sight at the top of the hill.
As soon as he landed, Yowl began fussing with his train. “It’s uneven,” she worried. “I must have made it uneven.” She and her girlfriend were both in matching red-and-purple jewel-toned dresses.
“Too late now,” said Super Chum. Ant-Lupe reached over to tighten his tie.
“You didn’t make it uneven. If anything’s wrong, it’s because I tripped,” soothed Fannihilator.
The remark did not soothe her. “You tripped? Did you fuck yourself up?”
“No, thank god.”
She still looked a bit rattled, but she sighed and conceded, “Whatever. Like Super Chum said, too late now.”
“I’ll get the music started,” said Ant-Lupe. She flew up ten feet and signaled at Dollar-nator, who was at the top of the hill, to start playing the piano. Yowl handed Fannihilator his bouquet.
“What would I do without you, Yo?” he reflected.
“Die, I think,” she said fondly. “I love you, Toby. I’m so proud of you.”
“Thank you. I love you too,” he replied. She smiled at him, and she and Lupe walked up the hill.
Super Chum put his hand on Fannihilator’s shoulder. “Don’t I get an “I love you,” too?”
“You already know that, buddy. I’d hug you, but I don’t want to mess up this outfit.”
Super Chum held out an arm, and Fannihilator took it. The wedding march began playing, and Fannihilator exhaled nervously. “I’m ready.”
They walked up the hill towards the two rows of folding chairs. There hadn’t been that many people to invite, but those who were there were enthusiastic. Fankylechum (who quit being a supervillain after graduating from high school) had taken a break from his boring insurance job and flown into town specifically for this event. He was clutching the hand of Marsha, who stared at Fannihilator with begrudging respect. Most of their old school friends had come, surprisingly. Along with them was Mr. Mufflin, who had dragged himself out of his retirement home in Florida for this. Professor Oz sat next to his mother in her wheelchair, with Man-Arctica and Global Warmer next to him. Boog and Lenny sat together– Boog was already dabbing at his eyes with a tissue while Lenny held his hand. Even Teen Spirit looked happy– despite it being a supervillain wedding, she, Sigmund, and Sonic Boom were in the front row.
Super Chum and Fannihilator walked down the aisle, and Fannihilator felt about a million eyes on him. He felt like running away from all the attention, so he fixed his eyes on the end of the aisle.
There at the end of the aisle was the sapling that they had planted, in place of the old tree. There was Dollar-nator, playing the piano, there were Yowl and Ant-Lupe waiting, there was Necronomicon hovering. Fannihilator’s breath caught.
And there was Kyle, his Kyle, with those cracked dark rifts still scarring his face as a memory of all they had been and all they were working towards. He was in a tailored red suit with his familiar black-and-red collared cape over it. He had a dried out flower in his lapel and oh, he was the most wonderful person Fannihilator would ever see.
Fannihilator arrived at the altar with his heart full. Kyle took his hands. “You look so handsome,” he whispered.
“You always do,” Fannihilator whispered back.
“Dearly beloved,” began Necronomicon, “we are gathered here today to witness the unholy union of Tobias Cranapple and Kyle Bloodworth-Thomason, under the church of Satan.”
Kyle rolled his eyes at Fannihilator. They both knew that Necronomicon had been ordained online.
“The marriage of two supervillains is a joyous thing for some, and a hellish thing for the rest of the world,” continued Necronomicon. “And yet, the history of this couple is a storied one. From childhood friends to partners to enemies to lovers, Kyle and Tobias have been together through much turmoil. But they have come out of hardship more powerful than ever. Marriage will only serve to strengthen their hellish bond of love.”
Yowl passed him the ring, and Fannihilator took Kyle’s hands. “Kyle, before I met you I was empty. I felt like I was alone every single day– I deluded myself into thinking that I liked being alone. And then you flew onto this hill and disturbed my entire way of being. You made me realize that I was surrounded by people that loved me. Life is meant to be shared, Kyle, and I want to share it with you. Neither of us will ever be alone again.” He slipped the emerald-and-amethyst white gold ring onto Kyle’s finger.
Kyle cleared his throat, took his ring from Ant-Lupe, and started on his own vows, “Toby, I have lost so much in my life. Before I met you, I was slipping. I pushed everyone away because I was scared of my own power. I was trying to cling onto any scrap of humanity I had left. When we became partners, I felt so guilty about my past actions. I thought that if you found out what I had done, I would break and the last of my humanity would slip away.” He took a shaky breath, and continued, “And then you did find out what I had done, and I did break. But here, on this hill, you risked your life to hold me and tell me that you weren’t letting go. That you loved the vilest part of me. And that’s when I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” Kyle slipped the dinosaur bone and meteorite ring onto Fannihilator’s finger.
"You may now exchange capes," said Necronomicon. Fannihilator unclasped his cape, and Kyle did the same. One at a time, they both wrapped their own cape around the other's shoulders. They would both wear each other's cape with their costume from now on, to symbolize their undying partnership.
“Well,” said Necronomicon, “By the power vested in me by our dark lord Satan and cutelittleweddingchapel.com, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss the groom.”
The guests all cheered. Fannihilator surged forward and kissed his husband passionately. Kyle returned the kiss in full force.
They broke apart. “Our marriage spells doom for all the heroes of the world,” Kyle said, happily breathless.
Fannihlator looked fondly at the crowd of their loved ones, then smiled back at his Conjurer. “And won’t it be an adventure?”