Chapter Text
“So…” Soonyoung knocked his head lightly on his balled fists. “I hate you now?” he murmured into the air, though no one could hear.
This was weird. Didn’t he say he wouldn’t cry anymore just two months ago? When they had the same discussion and they said they were going to work hard, for themselves, for each other? Didn’t Soonyoung kiss Jihoon afterwards saying he’d find another part time job to sustain the both of them? And that they’d move into a house once they had the funds?
It was two months ago.
And a month later, nothing mattered to Soonyoung.
In his wallet, he knew that he had to go on by himself. The money that Jihoon had— he could only sustain himself. He could not continue spending Jihoon’s money. He could not continue pleading Jihoon for more meals a day— he should stop pleading for more rice, knowing Jihoon loved rice, and they could only have it for one meal a day.
As for the rest— they just ate bread or biscuits.
And they’d laugh while sharing a coffee.
Soonyoung would dance in the house too early in the morning when he had free time, annoying the neighbours, and spending time with Jihoon, who wouldn’t go to sleep. He remembered accidentally peering at Jihoon’s screen while he was taking a nap at nine in the morning. “The song…” What was it called? “‘Second Life’, was it?”
And that day, Jihoon bubbly told Soonyoung over a slice of bread or two, “I wrote a song about you.”
Second Life… Soonyoung could settle on one conclusion, and it would be that Jihoon wanted to meet Soonyoung in every lifetime he could get. For Soonyoung… was it the same?
He wasn’t quite sure.
It’d been another month, and Soonyoung had finished another shift. It’d been specifically thirteen minutes since he’d started his break. He went downstairs to the cafe to have a sit. It just didn’t seem very normal to him if he were to have a coffee without Jihoon.
Jihoon… he wondered how he’d been. Ah right, this was the cafe that they’d celebrated his birthday five years ago. That date… it made Soonyoung run home that night crying into his pillow face-red. Soonyoung pondered while watching customers come in one by one. Had Jihoon moved on?
He didn’t quite think so. He’d remembered having Jihoon’s songs pop up in his playlist again that day, and he’d gone back to his page to check out if he’d released anything new. New songs that vividly lived in his mind were “Drift Away”, “Without You”, and “Pinwheel”. A little part of him stopped himself from thinking they were about him, but his heart hurt every time he read the lyrics.
For Soonyoung, he hadn’t quite moved on. He still thought of whether he should send a text. Or maybe call him to see how he was doing.
But he was supposed to hate him. Was he not?
Just as he was about to get up and perhaps sit in a place which didn’t remind him much about Jihoon because he was potentially going to have a breakdown, someone that had been rolling around in his mind walked through the door.
Red eyes. Puffy cheeks. Fidgeting hands.
Soonyoung was about to internally compliment their courage of walking into a cafe looking like that. It was until he’d noticed who he was.
“Jihoon?”
When Jihoon saw him, when their eyes met, when their hearts seemed to be beating the same rhythm, there were billions of unsaid words, unsent texts, flying around the air. The expressions that flashed through their faces were like a lightshow; neither of them could get a grip on which specific one to pull.
“What are you doing here?” Soonyoung’s unfriendly tone was uncontrollable. He wished he’d put on a smile at least, but at this rate, it was impossible.
Jihoon’s gaze bounced around the cafe, as if the old decorations were lighting a little flame inside him. “Just revisiting memories.”
As a reply, Soonyoung nodded slowly. “I see. So I shouldn’t be here, right?” Ouch, when did he decide to roast him like this? What if—
As Jihoon cleared his throat and swallowed, he stared at the ground, immobile. “You hate me now?”
No, no, no, I don’t. Jihoon. His body was against him. He should’ve just ran away. He should’ve left. He could live on without hurting any of Jihoon’s feelings. He could’ve stopped adding salt to his wounds and maybe comfort him like an old friend instead.
He didn’t know why he said what he did. “Yes. I don’t want to see you anymore.”
I lied again . The words were painful tumbling out of his tongue. But he didn’t want to have him go through loving him again. He didn’t want him to force himself to be with him. He didn’t want him to love him, to chase after him. He wanted him to be himself— to be who he wanted to be; to be a famous songwriter, to chase after his dreams. And when he almost thought to bend down on the floor to reach for the broken pieces of Jihoon’s heart, he’d almost wanted to fill it with his again.
But he guessed— it was a little too late.
The blades of the knives that he’d thrown, they’d already reached Jihoon’s heart, they were resurfacing his old scars, his old wounds, his fresh ones. They’d pulled him apart, they’d broken him once again. And Soonyoung had to watch all of it unfold before his eyes for the second time.
“Is that so?”
No, no. I take it back. I take it back. Soonyoung wanted to just hug him right now. Say that he wanted him back to his side. Say that he wanted to be with him again. Say that he wanted to take him back home, take him under his wing, take care of him again. Say that he wanted to love him again.
But they’ve met too early. And they’d separated too early. And they’d loved too blindly.
Soonyoung was too late. He didn’t think he’d ever want to see a heartbroken Jihoon walking away from him, but he was planted on the ground, and if he weren’t putting so much effort into holding himself up, he would’ve sunk into the floor.
His melancholic eyes noticed Jihoon turning to leave. As Jihoon was probably finding that this place didn’t bring him the remembered happiness he’d wanted to feel, he whispered, “A bouquet of flowers, a hug, a few drops of tears. It probably wasn’t enough, huh?”
Cold wind met Soonyoung’s shoulders as the glass door fluttered closed. And he should have known, once it had all been said and done— he’d never be able to see Jihoon ever again.
Warm floods blurred his vision. A small pained smile lingered on Soonyoung’s lips. It wasn’t much of a smile. Recordings of the old times spent together eating a shared meal replayed in his mind, and the rare I love you ’s that came out of Jihoon’s lips sounded like an overplayed cassette tape. It was a nostalgic smile, as if to recall all the forgotten moments that’d been swept under the carpet, or the fridge, and these moments were broken into glass shards— never to be repaired, or formed again.
A bouquet of flowers, a hug, a few drops of tears… Jihoon would never know, but to Soonyoung, it was all more than enough.