Chapter Text
It was a terrible idea. An hand on her chest, she forced herself to calm down but her heart was beating too fast. Seeing the tears glistening in Aden's eyes, she managed to steel herself. At that moment, he was her priority.
She had always been surprised by that feeling. Mother instinct. This ability to put everything aside – fear, pain, doubt – just for him. She was a lost and exhausted twenty-one, the first time. She was mourning a sister who had chosen to disappear, leaving her the responsibility of her son. A baby who kept crying until she takes him in her arms. Probably as terrified as her. No need to be a genius to understand the subtext. As long as he was in her arms, he wasn't abandoned. As confuse as she was, the moment was decisive. She didn't know how, didn't know if she was able to be a mother, but she was going to try. For him. She couldn't be another person leaving him behind.
- It's ok, sweetheart. It's over. You're safe.
Buried in her arms, he cried a long time. His tremors had calmed down a while ago but he seemed inconsolable. She kissed the top of his head, her hand sliding slowly in his sandy locks to lure him out of the crook of her neck a little. She needed to see his face.
- Oh sweety.
Puffy eyes looked at her with too much sadness. Using her sleeve, she wiped his face but tears were still flowing.
- Talk to me.
The words seemed to swell in his chest, she saw him trying, but he only brought out a vague gurgling before hiding against her chest again. Stroking his back, she gave him a little time. Him not talking to her was new.
- Aden ?
After a few minutes, she tried again. He moved a little, his breath tickling her skin while he was speaking. There were words this time. Not very intelligible but she understood the message. I don't want Griff to leave. His grief wasn't really related to fear. Not that one anyway. He still feared abandonment.
- Aden...
- I don't want to listen.
- Please.
Had she thought about it ? Not really. Not consciously but it seemed obvious. Griff was a dangerous unknown. Nobody knew what would trigger a bad reaction. Growling today and after ? It was a sign that she couldn't ignore.
- I don't want you to be hurt.
- Griff did nothing. It was my fault. I scared him.
- No-.
Well, it was true but not an excuse. Right ?
- Please, please, please. Don't punish him because of me.
She had made no promise.
The evening had dragged on. There had been more tears that ended up snapping Aden into sleep. He had refused to speak, refused to eat, barely accepting her embrace.
Now, she was in bed. Lost. A sense of guilt weighing a little too heavy on her chest.
- Fuck...
She got up for the third time, shuffling to the window to watch that stupid dog. In the darkness, it looked like a statue, motionless. A touch of something lighter between the shadows. Nothing had changed in the yard. The dog was just frozen and it disturbed her. When she stared at him, she saw only sadness. The kind that she couldn't forget. Lexa sighed. Sooner or later, a decision should be made. Time wouldn't change anything.
* * *
The sun had gone down, the neighborhood had stilled, its streets deserted for a warm home and a nice meal. Some houses were restless, children shouting and suddenly too full of energy before bedtime. Others approached this moment with a sense of serenity. Into the little house lined with lavenders, the mood was gloomy. She felt it, hated it with all her heart.
Clarke hadn't moved a paw since the incident. Lying on the cold ground, she was waiting for the inevitable verdict. Her hopes were nonexistent but she couldn't run away. Her desire to flee, an old friend of her, had long been unbeatable till today. Something was holding her back. Like a force of some sort. A new gravity who pushed her to stay still. No order had yet been given but she felt that her place was here. Even if the immobility was killing her and offered her no distractions. She was stuck with her thoughts, a punishment that she deserved.
While the house seemed to be asleep for a while, the living room had lit up. Just a small lamp projecting a warm light against the walls. She had not straightened her head despite curiosity, welcoming the newcomer by lowering her ears. It wasn't her, this attitude. Hell, she even felt a plaintive moan swell in her torso. Like a guilty puppy. Even her pride had abandoned her.
The mom had stat on the first step of the porch, all cozy in her pajamas and a plaid draped around her shoulders. Her presence remained a mystery. Shin rested in her hand, she studied her with way too much attention for Clarke fragile mind. Her head was bubbling with questions.
- What are you going to do with me ?
- What am I going to do with you ?
At least, they were on the same page. That pushed her to look up, confused. The human was full of doubts. The answer shoud have been easy. She was a stray, she had messed up, so she had to leave. The mother thought otherwise. For her own surprise.
- I know what I have to do. You're a threat. I think. I don't know. It's risky. I'm the adult here, I have to make difficult choices he won't understand. But I don't want to break his heart.
Clarke could have done it for her. Vanish in the middle of the night. Hit the road as she planned. At dawn, she would be far away. Except it wouldn't change anything. Aden would be just as hurt. The mom did not want to be relieved of the responsibility for this choice. It wasn't the important point.
- Costia always say everyone deserves a second chance. Don't know if it applies to dogs. Guess not. If you screw it up, hurt Aden, it will be my fault.
A second chance. Did anyone ever consider offering that to her ? In her past, mistakes were severely paid. Charged with guilt. They didn't forgive her but asked her to do more. The mom did not want more, she wanted better. The expectation sat heavily on her shoulders and however she didn't feel overwhelmed. The feeling was different.
Feeling a little braver, she straightened up. Once seated it was easier to meet the gaze of the human. She held it. For a long time. She wanted to be understood. It was the only method she had since they did not belong to the same world and the woman didn't understand her language. A sincere gaze.
She didn't even really know what she wanted to convey. That she wouldn't hurt the child ? That was obvious. She didn't want to scare him but it still happened. That she wouldn't lose control ? How could this human have understood ? Even her own pack did not always understand. She was not angry by nature. She really meant it. But sometimes there was this wild creature deep inside her. A growling beast who couldn't bear to be approached. Touched. Who seeked blood whenever she allowed herself to be warmed by the heat of others. She made the mistake of thinking it would be different with the little human. And she did it again thinking she could learn to muzzle the beast, to teach it to appreciate the warmth.
She wanted to be whole again.
She wanted that second chance. Coming from others but also from herself.
The mom sighed, letting the blanket slip off her shoulders as she stood up. She had not let go of her gaze, a spark of something incomprehensible for Clarke in her green eyes. Under those eyes, she felt raw. Weak in a way she was no longer used to.
A smile grazed her lips before she headed for the door. There's a soft click and Clarke was left alone. But not quite like before.
The cover seemed cozy on the porch. In the house, the lamp stayed on, casting a comforting halo.
For a few moments, she listened to the calm returning to the house. A blind had moved slightly upstairs, the hair on her spine vibrating under the gaze which remained fixed on her before disappearing. She couldn't help but close her eyes, searching the child's peaceful breathing. In the next room, the mom's breath was beginning to subside and she focused on it until she finally falls asleep.
Then, she moved.
Clarke left the cold grass, climbed the three steps, and gently settled on the cover. The feint scent of the boy clinged to the wool. Nose buried in it, she forced herself to ignore the rest. Not to linger on the remnant heat she felt like a caress in her coat or the fragrance of lavender that stirred in her something familiar. Too human.
Having affection for just a fragile creature was already too much. She would repeat it to herself as many times as necessary.