Chapter Text
“how long…?”
“...surgery, going to have to insert…”
“quick!”
“will he be okay?”
“let’s hope so.”
“stay with me, yoongi. stay with us.”
“yoongi, i lo…”
yoongi opens his eyes to a blindingly white room, blinking to try and adjust his eyes to the brightness. he feels numb. is he dead? he stares at the ceiling, unable to move and look around.
“why didn’t he tell me sooner?” he hears a voice say.
“why didn’t he just… i could have loved him. i could have loved you.”
was it, jungkook?
“please don’t die yoongi, please don’t die. i really didn’t know, i just…”
yoongi closes his eyes again. he feels a tear roll down his cheek. he’s not sure if it’s his own.
“i love you, i do. i know it’s not in the way you need, but i could. i think i could love you. you’re sweet and kind and smart and so so so talented and i -"
yoongi hears sniffing.
“it’s all my fault. i’m so sorry yoongi. i love you. i love you, yoongi. please wake up. please don’t die, please don’t die, i love you…”
yoongi drifts off again to jungkook’s voice repeating those words.
he wakes up again, yoongi doesn’t know how long later. he feels less numb this time, but a lot more in pain. his chest feels like it’s collapsing in on itself, and his throat is all kinds of sore. his head is pounding. there’s a light pressure on his hand, and yoongi looks over to find jungkook. he’s holding yoongi’s hand in both of his, his head resting on the bed in what looks like an extremely uncomfortable position, but he looks to be asleep.
yoongi looks around the room and it’s then he notices the tubes attached to his body. there’s one in his throat that he really doesn’t know how he missed before, and there are some in his arms, presumably all to keep him alive.
“oh my god, you’re awake!” he hears someone say, jimin he thinks. yoongi tries to sit up to look at him.
“don’t! just, stay still, okay? you’re um, you’re in hospital and you’re very weak.” jimin pauses. “we’ll explain everything later, but you need to rest.”
jimin comes closer to him until yoongi can see him hovering over him.
“you really scared us, you know? we love you, all of us. i love you. we couldn’t bear to lose you.”
the third time he wakes up, he feels a little better. that’s not to say he’s in no pain, but he can manage to sit up now at least. taehyung, namjoon, and jungkook are there. they suddenly look up as they see yoongi’s movement. jungkook immediately rushes to his side.
“yoongi, you’re awake!”
yoongi tries to talk but finds he can’t. his throat feels clogged and raw.
“don’t speak,” namjoon says, “the doctors had to try something new since you didn’t want the flowers removed… they had to make an alternate pathway for air to get through so you could breathe, so…” he takes a breath in, vaguely gesturing to the tubes. “it was the only thing they could do. once the flowers die when your love is reciprocated you’ll be able to breathe and eat without artificial help again.”
yoongi nods although he’s still a little lost, then - oh. the hanahaki disease, the roses, jungkook. jungkook. yoongi suddenly turns to said boy. when your love is reciprocated. when, not if. did they think it would be? no one can be forced into loving someone, that’s not how it works.
jungkook’s eyes are filled with tears that are threatening to fall.
“i wish you’d told me sooner,” he whispers, “i could have learned to love you like that, and you wouldn't have almost died.”
yoongi looks at jungkook still, a million things running through his mind.
“get some rest,” namjoon says gently. “you too, jungkook. you’ve been at the hospital for three days straight. go sleep properly, eat something.”
jungkook nods.
yoongi watches namjoon lead jungkook out the door, smiling to yoongi again before closing the door. he sighs and lays back down. taehyung stays with him until yoongi is overcome by sleep once again.
jungkook is by his side again when he wakes, holding his hand like he’s afraid yoongi will disappear.
“hey, jungkook,” yoongi whispers out as best he can, his voice just about audible.
jungkook squeezes his hand a little tighter. “yoongi, how do you feel?”
yoongi shrugs weakly. yoongi wishes jungkook would just smile again. he hasn’t seen him smile the whole time he’s been in the hospital. he hates that it’s his fault.
jungkook leans down and presses his forehead against yoongi’s.
“i wish you had told me.”
yoongi closes his eyes. jungkook is so close he could kiss him, but he tries not to think about that. he feels a sting in his lungs again and suddenly hopes that the flowers aren’t coming back. he doesn’t want to die, not yet. not when jungkook is this close, although he knows that’s a selfish reason.
he pulls away from jungkook to cough, his body screaming from the effort it takes, vision blurring. a few petals fall onto his pillow. some are fresh like the petals usually are, bright red and firm. but some are shrivelled and faded, as though they came from a dying flower. he turns back to jungkook, trying to smile to show that he’s okay, but he's feeling lightheaded, and his heaving chest clearly gives him away.
“yoongi, i’m so, so sorry.” jungkook rests his forehead on their entwined hands. “i’m so sorry you had to go through this. as if loving someone is a crime. why did you have to pay for it?”
yoongi shakes his head, trying to reassure jungkook that it’s not his fault. it’s only yoongi’s fault, if anyone’s. no disease is fair. pretty much no one with a life threatening illness asked for it, so why is this any different?
yoongi lets his head fall back on his pillow, staring back up at the ceiling.
“you really didn’t deserve this.”
yoongi feels like he’s going to cry, but he has nothing left in him to do so. so he just stares up blankly at the harsh white ceiling while jungkook strokes his thumb along the back of yoongi’s hand. yoongi startles when the thumb is replaced by something softer, and a little wet, but it’s gone as soon as it came.
yoongi doesn’t know how long he’s spent in the hospital. the days all blur into one. he’s constantly exhausted, and the petals haven’t ceased yet, although some are still coming out dead. he’s not sure if that’s a good thing or not.
“if, and i’m not saying this for definite or anything, but if the flowers don’t go away, if,” namjoon’s voice catches and he clears his throat, “if jungkook doesn’t reciprocate, then you can’t keep living like this for much longer and we’ll have to try and do the surgery, okay?”
yoongi already feels so dead, he’s not sure if actual death would be better or if attempting the surgery would be. he doesn’t want to forget jungkook, doesn’t want to live without love, but. he nods at namjoon, trusting his members to do what’s best. he’s so tired now. so, so tired. he hates being confined to the hospital, relying on tubes to sustain him.
jungkook is always with him though. he barely ever leaves. yoongi’s grateful for that, but he also just wants jungkook to be happy, wishes he would go out and do something for himself.
yoongi makes his way out of bed, dragging the stand with his drips and oxygen on it along with him. he slowly makes his way out of the room on shaky legs. he’s not entirely sure where he’s planning on going, but finds himself in the elevator, pressing the button for the top floor. he shuffles along the corridor until he reaches the hospital chapel. he pushes open the door and is surprised to find jungkook already there, sitting in front of the piano.
“yoongi? what are you…?”
yoongi sits down next to jungkook and raises his hand to the keyboard. he hasn’t played in so long. he presses a few tuneless notes, but then jungkook captures his hands in his own. there’s an unreadable expression on jungkook’s face, and then he’s leaning closer. yoongi feels his chest tighten, and then suddenly jungkook is kissing him. jungkook is kissing him and yoongi can’t breathe, despite being hooked up to oxygen. jungkook is kissing him and yoongi doesn’t know what to do. jungkook is kissing him.
yoongi feels petals rising up again and isn’t quick enough to pull away, the petals ending up being forced out into jungkook’s mouth until he pulls away, trying to hide his face from jungkook. he keeps coughing and thankfully it’s just petals this time. some are still bright and red, but more and more of them are coming out dead.
“yoongi i…”
“jungkook,” yoongi whispers.
jungkook cups his face, stroking his thumb along yoongi’s cheek. yoongi closes his eyes at the touch, and then he feels jungkook’s lips press against his own again. he is ever so gentle, ever so careful with yoongi. they aren’t interrupted by coughing this time, and yoongi’s brain finally catches up that jungkook kissed him twice now, willingly. then thrice, four times, and five. it’s nothing more than a careful brush of lips each time, but it’s a kiss nonetheless.
“jungkook, i love you,” yoongi whispers.
jungkook kisses him once more. that’s six.
“i know. and i’m so sorry you had to go through all this for it.” seven. “but i love you too. i always have. i, i never really thought about love at all before - romantic love, that is - but i think, now, i can try? i mean, i like kissing you,” jungkook giggles. now it’s eight. “you’re so pretty, you know? i always knew that but i never really thought about it. and you’re so, you’re -"
“jungkook,” yoongi cuts him off, “you’re rambling.”
nine and ten.
yoongi wants to live. he’s being selfish again, but he has hope now. he wants to live with his love for jungkook. he can ignore how much his lungs and throat hurt when jungkook kisses him, can ignore how uncomfortable all the lines inserted into him feel, ignore the pounding in his head and everything else. because jungkook is kissing him like he loves him.
the roses persist for a while longer. the fresh petals give way more and more to dead ones, dark and shrivelled, until all the petals that come are dead. by that point, yoongi’s been in the hospital for three months. he’s frail, a hundred times skinnier than he already had been before he contracted hanahaki. he hates it. hates having to rely on everyone else for everything, hates causing everyone else to halt their own lives for him, hates it all. bts have been on hiatus for the entire time, having released a vague statement about yoongi’s condition to the fans. they didn’t disclose the nature of his disease, just said that he was unwell.
but after more than three months in care, jungkook hardly leaving his side or a second, he might finally be able to leave, to return to normal. it feels weird, like it’s not real. maybe he’ll wake up and it was all a dream, that jungkook still doesn’t love him back.
but jungkook is right there, gazing at him fondly from beside him. yoongi’s lost count of the number of times he’s kissed him now. it’s so strange. how did he go from loving this boy so much that he nearly died, to having said boy look at him like he was his whole world? how did jungkook ever fall for him anyway? it seems too fake, too unreal. surely yoongi had just died, or was in a coma, and this was all something his brain had conjured up.
only it wasn’t. jungkook was really there, and the flowers were really dead, and yoongi was really going to live?
only a few days later, the last of the roses leaves his lungs. it’s not pretty, yoongi coughing up the shrivelled up stalks and dead roots for endless minutes, until he almost passes out, and promptly throws up after, collapsing right next to all the mess. but, it’s out. it’s the last time he has to feel the the thorns drag against his throat, the last time he has to see red falling from his lips.
he finally feels like he can breathe.
they get back to the dorm and yoongi cries when the boys all hug him tightly - still tentative with how frail yoongi’s gotten, but finally more firmly than they’ve been able to with yoongi attached to drips all the time. seokjin presents him his favourite soup and it tastes like the best thing he’s ever eaten. he actually feels thankful he survived, is happy he’s alive.
jungkook takes him aside to his room and hugs yoongi tightly, all to himself this time. yoongi lets out a little laugh, too overwhelmed to know what to do, but then jungkook kisses him deeper than he ever has and his mind goes blank.
“i love you, yoongi,” he whispers, and finally, he means it the same as yoongi does.
yoongi starts crying again, involuntarily and hastily wipes at his eyes, but there’s a smile on his face too as he pulls jungkook close again and holds him tight.
“i love you,” he whispers back, and jungkook repeats it again and again and kisses him again and again, and now the only flowers blooming are the ones of their sweet love.