Chapter Text
The following week went by in a rather exhausting and headache inducing blur.
Immediately after her rescue, Lena had been interrogated, well they called it a “debriefing,” but without Kara and Alex there with her, it was definitely an interrogation. She supposed she was thankful that, at the very least, they hadn’t patted her down, or found the ‘souvenirs’ in her pocket from Lex’s vault. J’onn at least tried to be diplomatic, but the rest of the higher ups weren’t so charmed by someone sporting Luthor as a surname. Especially after the video footage of Bennie smiling at her and acting familiar. He had never truly restrained her, or mishandled her in any way. That had, of course, seemed suspicious, even Lena could see that, but it still stung when they basically accused her of collusion. She didn’t know what had become of Bennie and something about how they were questioning her made her afraid to ask lest she appear sympathetic. But in a way she was, wasn't she? Because she couldn’t help the twinge of sadness at the thought he probably hadn’t made it. She wasn’t sure what that really said about her.
She had explained that the important facts were these; he was a family friend, had been for years. He was in love with Lex, and just wanted to make Lex take notice of him again. He had always been somewhat protective of Lena, and he hadn’t managed to find out Supergirl’s real identity. She truly thought he could have been dissuaded from his grand scheme. But when it all came down to it, she should have seen him for the danger he truly was.
Just like Lex. Just like Lillian. Would there be no end to the people in her life hurting her? She didn’t have many people she cared about, and now she was down another one, even if he was from her ancient history.
Kara had recovered not long after being put under sunlamps back at the DEO. Alex, even after a few hours on the operating table and her arm still in a sling, seemed set on maintaining her, “it just grazed me” stance. Everything from Lex’s vault had been catalogued, transported, and safely stored at the DEO or destroyed. Things were returning to normal...for everyone but Lena.
How could everything go from light and happiness, new friends and burgeoning love to this? This wreckage...in what felt like a matter of moments. Only a week ago she was flirting and having fun with new friends. Bonding with Alex over pretty girls. And now? Now she was spiraling down, down, down, into the hole she had spent her entire youth trying to crawl out of. Just when she thought that maybe she was deserving of good things, she was reminded again just how out of her reach they truly were.
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She played the “debriefing” over and over in her head as she sat at her desk. Angry at herself, angry at her family, angry at the whole situation. It had been a week since the whole debacle, and Lena couldn’t focus on anything other than everything that had happened at the mansion. Kara had come by a couple of times to check on her, bringing her coffee and donuts, or sushi from their favorite spot downtown. Lena had smiled, chatted and pretended everything was fine. She could tell that Kara had noticed she was a little off, but Lena had shrugged it off as just her normal adjustment period after something like this. Because things like this always happened to her. She had been played, used, targeted for assasination, lied about, lied to, manipulated in every possible way, and still she fought against the darkness that pulled at her frayed edges. Really, it shouldn’t even phase her anymore.
But even though it appeared that her ever steadfast Kara had cautiously accepted her words at face value, Lena expected that Kara would be watching her pretty closely for the time being. As Lena walked onto her balcony, she realized what had to be done. She was too dangerous even for an indestructible alien superhero. Because she wasn’t actually indestructible was she? One tiny sliver of kryptonite and Kara could be killed. One small laced bullet a couple inches lower and Kara wouldn’t be bringing her coffee and sushi. She loved Kara, was in love with Kara, but how long before someone thought they could use Kara to get what they wanted from Lena and inadvertently found out who she really was? As the list of reasons Lena was dangerous to Kara grew longer and longer, the more resolve it gave Lena to remove herself from Kara’s life completely. Some immediate changes would need to be made, starting with physical things in her home and office. She couldn’t allow Kara access anymore. If she could keep her out of her buildings, perhaps she could get her out of her head and heart. There was a time when she didn’t know Kara, and she just needed to return to that. The elevator ride down to R&D was short, but it was all the time Lena needed to figure out where to start. It was time to create a lead coating for walls and glass that would block Kara but not cause lead poisoning at the same time. Something thin and preferably nearly invisible. She wanted to see out, she just didn’t want anyone to be able to see in. While she waited for the product to be finished, she would distance herself from Kara. She started with a phone call to Alex.
She had asked to meet at Sam’s bar, and was already several drinks in before Alex sat down next to her. The daytime bartender was friendly, but she wasn’t Sam and Lena saw the disappointment flicker across Alex’s face as she ordered a beer.
“She comes in at five, I already asked. I don’t think what I have to say will take that long, but maybe Winn or someone can join you when I leave if you want to wait for her,” Lena said in lieu of an actual greeting.
“We have a date on Friday,” Alex said with a soft smile. “Something about getting shot makes you realize you just have to go for it when you know something is right,” Alex shrugged.
“I’m happy for you Alex, truly. Speaking of realizations, that’s why I asked you to meet me. I’ve made a decision about what’s right myself, and what I’m about to ask of you isn’t going to be fair to you, I get that, but I need to put some distance between Kara and myself.”
“I’m going to stop you right there Luthor. If you are planning on hurting my baby sister you better think again. I’m pretty sure she’s just as into you as you are her and I can assure you I can make it look like an accident when they finally find your body.”
Lena simply raised an eyebrow, “While you are indeed, quite terrifying Alex, please just hear me out. It is because I don’t want to hurt her that I need to create some space between us. Just some time to deal with everything that happened. She could have died because of me! I can’t believe you still want her to have anything to do with me at all. You and I are realists, so you know as well as I do that someone is always going to be after me, and someone in my life is always going to be after her. So I need to stop it before it goes any further.”
Alex sat quietly for a few moments, collecting her thoughts. When Alex’s eyes finally met hers, she spoke softly, “she’s Supergirl Lena. She will always be in danger, she will always throw herself headlong into that danger. I hate it, but I have learned to accept it. There would definitely be some hurdles you guys would have to get over, but regardless of all of that, you make her happy. Like disgustingly happy. So if you are asking me to help you remove yourself from her life, my answer is no. Now if you just need some time and space to get your bearings, that I can respect.” Alex reached out and covered Lena’s hands with her own, “You are my friend Lena, and I get it...feelings are hard, and scary, but it’s ok to have them. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of Kara’s love.” As Alex finished her sentence, it was obvious that they were both slightly surprised by what Alex had said, but Lena could tell that she meant it.
“Alex I…” Lena started, but Alex held up her hands and closed her eyes.
“NOPE. That’s enough feelings for one day, just whatever you decide, be totally honest with her ok?” The weight of the look Alex gave her when she opened her eyes settled heavily in Lena’s chest.
Lena could only whisper, “OK.”
“Good. Now, that’s settled. Anything else? I need to get back to the DEO.”
“No, no...that’s all. Thank you Alex, you’ve given me a lot to think about.”
As Alex stood up she locked eyes with Lena once more, “I mean it Lena, don’t hurt her. Do what you have to do, but explain it to her so she doesn’t freak out when you disappear, if that's what you were planning on doing.”
All Lena could do was nod as she watched Alex leave the bar. She should have known it wouldn’t have been as easy as she wanted it to be. How in the world would she explain lining her office with lead without offending Kara? Lena sighed, she could do this. Just approach it as a business deal. Cutting ties with an investor, while maintaining the appearance of amiability so that if the investor was needed further down the line they could be added back to the fold. She had done it a hundred times. What was one more? While in theory that seemed like a wonderful idea, Lena knew there would be push-back from Kara, where she left no room for an investor to do so. Business dealings were so simple compared to emotional dealings. For the briefest of moments she envied her mother and brother and their cold little sociopathic hearts. “Must be nice,” she mumbled to herself as she stood to head back to her office.
Once safely back at L-Corp, Lena threw herself into the development of the lead screening she would add to her windows and walls. She could create a thin shield using lead nanobots that could be activated and deactivated at will. She hoped this would lessen the blow of her basically telling Kara she didn’t want her to be able to check up on her while she was taking her “space.” Nothing was wrong with a person wanting some privacy, and Kara of all people should understand that.
“Be honest with her,” continued to bounce around in Lena’s head as she attempted to work. Her mind was in overdrive as she analyzed her thoughts. She knew Kara deserved her honesty, but how could she possibly say to the girl of steel, “I am dangerous to you” without Kara completely blowing off her concern? Not to mention that if she were to admit that her feelings went beyond platonic, it would only serve to make everything more complicated. Perhaps admitting those feelings would be enough to get Kara to back off and take some space of her own...unless Alex was right and Kara felt the same. If that were true then trying to ask for ANY semblance of space wasn’t going to go over well. But Kara knew that emotional ties were so difficult for Lena. She would understand wouldn’t she? The need for time to process?
Maybe she wasn’t even going about this the right way...maybe she didn’t need space or to cut Kara out of her life, maybe she needed to not be a big ol’ coward and just sit down with Kara and let them decide together what would be best for them. They were adults, and the friendship involved both of them, therefore the decision as to what was the safest way to proceed should involve both of them. Lena paused in her work as she pondered how this immediately seemed to feel like the right decision. They would work things out together. She could be brave. She could do this. She would be open and honest and she would not treat their friendship like a business transaction because she suddenly realized Kara definitely meant more to her than this company ever would. “Holy shit,” she breathed out as that thought solidified in her mind. Was that truly how she felt? There was a moment of panic...ok there were several moments of panic if Lena was being honest...
She picked up her phone to call the one person that had ever truly wanted to be in her life without an ulterior motive. The person who had cemented herself into Lena’s heart and soul. The person who trusted her, loved her, and believed in her. The person she would be brave enough to offer her heart to without fear.