Chapter Text
That day, Hinata heard a tale of having been betrayed. “By everything,” Komaeda had yelped in a high-pitched voice while hysterically giggling and Hinata couldn’t distinguish whether it was really a laugh or a cry. “By you, by fate, and now even by my good for nothing luck!”
The team rushed in, their stares and stance all matching each other, being the look of confusion to see Komaeda so unstable.
All this time Hinata had thought outside the door was the enemy, begging to come in. Maybe it had been true at some point of Hinata's and Komaeda's entrapment, but it was a fact that the banging hadn’t been hostile at the end.
It had been their teammates, not Monokumas, asking for entry.
The reason of why and how, Hinata was sure to get to know later, but at that moment it didn’t matter to him. Not as much as it mattered to Komaeda anyway.
Normally, you'd be seized by relief after finding out death will come a little later to get you, wouldn't you?
It had been that way for Hinata at least.
He had fallen to the floor after a slight blow got him in the chest, uttering a sound of pain when the back of his head had hit the concrete. After a moment of disorientation, what seemed to have been way too long without getting stabbed or simply attacked for a situation where an ambush lied at your feet, his vision swayed to the now opened door. Time stopped when what he saw didn't match his expectation. Where were the Monokumas? He had then looked back at Komaeda to get himself assurance it wasn't only him imagining things, and Komaeda's gaze had fixed on his freshly entered allies for second after second until realization finally seemed to hit, later than it had done so with Hinata.
Komaeda bursted out laughing, but Hinata heard the frustration in it. He saw the way it didn't match the rest of Komaeda's body language. It was like laughing at life itself, because you didn't know what else there was to do. And then Komaeda started to accuse them of betrayal, though was it really directed at them? He accused Hinata. Tears formed near a whirlpool, that couldn't have possibly been there, in his eyes, while the sweat dripped down Komaeda's temple and shivers overtook his body. His fingers dug harshly into the side of his shoulders. He tightly wrapped his arms around himself and Hinata had the feeling Komaeda was trying to force the tremble, which had his limbs in its grip, back into the place where he had kept it all this time.
This wasn't relief for him.
This was despair caused by treachery.
“I’m fine,” Komaeda said now, accompanied by an exhausted breath. He looked so incredibly tired, like a skeleton about to crumble to dust. Everything forced out of him in shouting and strangling and gritting his teeth, his energy was gone now, leaving him gaunt and wheezing, and he added with a scoff. “Hah! Right. Who am I to think I could rely on something? This should’ve been expected.”
Hinata listened, and saw, and witnessed a side of Komaeda that day, he most likely was never supposed to see.
Hinata got a glimpse of what he had always seeked for.
But only a glimpse.
Komaeda, in all his distress, would always remain in control of himself to some extent. A great extent even, considering.
Some part inside of Hinata, terribly small, realized he had never fully understood Komaeda only because Komaeda refused to show it to him. What Hinata had put so much effort into to find out, Komaeda must've put so much effort into to hide. And Hinata needed it. He needed it all to grasp it all. Their relationship reeked of internal sabotage, both sides charged guilty.
“Something great will await us,” Komaeda whispered. “Something big that will cause the greatest of despair. Oh, but it’s none of your loss.” He flashed a smile that laid bare a strip of white teeth, Komaeda visibly getting calmer, and calmer the more time passed. The cracks were sealed, the mask back in place. And with those last cryptic words, Komaeda walked around the others to exit the room.
Naegi tipped his head to the side and started to rub the spot between his eyes. "This was my fault. I'm sorry, Hinata-kun."
"There's no one at fault for this. Only those stupid bears and the one who created them in the first place."
Naegi wearily smiled. "That's only halfway true," he said. "Enoshima-san might've been the cause of it all if you backtrack to who had set things in motion. But more people took part in it than her alone... even... well," Naegi avoided eye contact for minute. "Even you, Hinata-kun."
Hinata stared blankly, while the inner wound stung and bled. (But this was right. Naegi was right.)
"I-I mean. You're part to blame, but now you're taking responsiblity. And that's exactly it. I need to take responsibility, too, for throwing you guys out there without properly preparing you. That's all there is to it." He rubbed his jaw with his finger and laughed a little awkwardly. "A weekend of training isn't really much, aha..."
What Naegi said made sense. But it also nullified what Hinata had said to make him feel better, and he didn't know what else to do. He clenched his hands to fists at his side, while Naegi took a look at his watch. "Ah," he lightly gasped. "I have to talk to Komaeda-kun now."
Hinata perked up a fraction. "He's coming here, too?"
Naegi opened his mouth, yet the voice that filled the air wasn't his. "I see gossip's travelling fast?"
Hinata's gaze flitted to the side to find Komaeda leaning against the door frame - same as ever - smiling as ever - calm as ever - crossing his arms. It was like nothing had ever happened. He pushed himself off, and shook his hands in front, saying, "kidding, kidding. Your stare can pierce holes into walls, Hinata-kun."
Hinata didn't get the joke, if there had ever been one, so he kept on staring straight ahead. He didn't know his stare was so intense it could be called a glare and that Komaeda had been telling the truth. He stood up from his chair and made way for the other, leaving the office without a word while Naegi's "I'll see you later" followed after his back.
When Komaeda left the office, hands safely stowed away in his coat's pockets, he didn't even seem to be surprised to find Hinata waiting for him.
"You know, Hinata-kun. This past week you've really become like some kind of stalker." Komaeda hummed in thought, while he tilted his head. "Or maybe a misguided fan? Haha, I'm flattered, but it's really troubling me in a way..." He scratched his head as if he was uncomfortable to give the subsequent rejection. 'As if he hadn't done it for real before' Hinata thought.
"Shut up. Don't pretend this never happened," Hinata said, and this time Komaeda seemed to give him the favour, pressing his lips together with that cold smile chiselled into his never-ceasing hard-stone expression.
"You wanted proof? I gave you proof. Why do you keep running?"
"It sounds so cold the way you put it."
"Just answer the question! What is there that says we can't be together. What?"
Komaeda went silent again, and for a moment the words 'it's me' laid soddened on Hinata's tongue, as if he expected them to be said any moment. But they didn't come.
This was one piece of dialogue. Every option into the way of refusal had been worn out, because, yes, Hinata had been like some kind of stalker. Stubbornly trying, and trying, and trying, and trying, and trying so obsessively that in the end there was nothing else to say but the truth. And Hinata had gotten so near, had gotten so close he tasted it on the tip of his tongue without Komaeda saying it. At least he felt like he did.
"Hinata-kun... if I said that as soon as we started dating, your chance to die a horrible, and suffering death the next morning, the next week, the next month, the next year will increase by 80%, what would you do? Would it still be worth it?"
Hinata wanted to say 'I wouldn't believe you', denying the possibility on the spot as nonsensical as it sounded. But there was something in Komaeda's eyes that kept him from it.
"I... I don't know," he said instead.
Komaeda chuckled. "How typical of you to be so honest."
"What's it got to do with it?"
There was a pause, and Hinata knew it: this was truth. This had to be truth. A sense of accomplishment nestled into Hinata's belly, and so did a sense of fear. "Because that's going to happen," Komaeda said.
How could that be.
Hinata, as the skeptical down-to-earth man he was, didn't want to believe in something that told of invisible forces and deities. And yet he couldn't dismiss what Komaeda spoke of either, for he had seen that very luck work before. He had seen it kill Nanami. He had experienced the pain, the real pain, when falling down to his knees, acid tears making him blind. What he had seen had been reality, and so the conclusion only led to it being unfeigned. But that also meant something else.
"You said it was a lie."
"Huh?"
"You said all these things - the plane crash, your life stories - they had all been a lie to see if you can get pity from me."
Komaeda's smile was unwavering, the answer to everything, and suddenly something in Hinata snapped. He heard a dry, humourless laughter cut the air. A laughter that wept in its tone of all the hardships it had gone through. It was so horribly grating in Hinata's ears, yet Komaeda's lips weren't the ones who moved. Hinata realized, it came from himself.
"It's not worth it," Komaeda said in such a low, and serious voice Hinata had hardly heard him speak in before.
What was he supposed to do?
What exactly was he supposed to say?
What was he supposed to think?
This wasn't like the movies. This wasn't straight out of a book. And Hinata certainly wasn't this perfect human being, who knew the answer to everything, even with his money heavy brain.
All he wanted in his life had been to be someone, who wasn't so insignificant that you'd forget him as soon as his frame left the spotlight: he had wanted to be someone, who'd strike a memory in another's heart. The best way to do it, Hinata internalized while growing up as a child, was to be successful. Students of Hope's Peak Academy were remembered above all; everyone knew them. Everyone. He could say that with utter and true conviction.
The thought of Komaeda loving him, no... someone loving him...-- to have importance to a person (and better: someone who's company he seeked out) -- Hinata couldn't describe in words what feelings it brought up in him. And then the ticking had begun. An itching, nagging sound in Hinata's ear and head until he'd move forward to ask for assurance, crazed to know whether it was true. The rest, he thought, he'd figure out later.
And he had figured out a lot since then.
Hinata just wanted to have this.
The outside factors of luck, and death, and whatever else, it passed through one ear out the other, and left him blank as well as empty. He didn't know what was right or wrong, or what was best and worst. He only knew what he desired.
"So, this is it? So, once again, the decision is taken from me?"
Komaeda stared at Hinata in a way, which betrayed absolutely nothing to what he was thinking nor feeling. But Hinata knew Komaeda's silence was nudging him to elabourate.
"I don't want to die! But I... I sure as hell won't let something as pure chance decide for me. Komaeda, this isn't graved in stone, and I know I might die, but I knew that before, too. Nowadays even more so."
Hinata inhaled while averting his gaze, before he spoke further. "If you don't feel anything for me, that's fine." His stare wandered upwards again in hope to find a reaction waiting for him, and Hinata was queasy to see Komaeda watching him the same unmoving way as before. "B-but if you do, then decide for you own whether you want to be with me or not."
The cards have been played.
Now it was only left to Komaeda to break free from his statue like stance, and to react. To Hinata's discomfort although, Komaeda took his sweet, sweet time until so much of a flicker crossed his features, and he exhaled so deeply as if he had been holding his breath all this time.
"You're one of those people, aren't you, Hinata-kun? Reaching for stars so high and always looking up while you climb the stairs that you don't even see how great of a fall awaits you, should you trip. But for me, it's different. I've always been standing on the highest mountain, sides so steep, watching you do that from my plateau above."
"What are you trying to tell me?"
"It's from a movie."
"What?"
"Anyway..." Komaeda had had a smile stapled on his mouth up until now, which faded away, only a faint hint of it still remaining at the edges.
"Hah..." he sighed out. "Sometimes, Hinata-kun, just sometimes, you'll need to make use of your intuition, instead of waiting for someone to say it out loud for you." Komaeda's lips stretched to reveal a bright grin, hand lifted up at his side. "Just a tip! Because I've seen how often you did it in the simulation. That's no good, you know."
There was another question silently mouthed by Hinata as he stared, trying to make sense of what had just been said. He replayed it in his head, audio tapes whirling backwards. Stop. Repeat. Does that mean...?
He wiggled his fingers at his side, while his heart's beats drowned out any outside sound, and then he stepped forward, and took another step, and took another step, and took yet another step, arriving in front of Komaeda smiling at him in that same bright grin as before. Hinata pressed his lips together, and he hated it, he hated this feeling of insecurity, not knowing things for certain. Intuition wasn't his forte. But Komaeda didn't say anything, and he didn't retreat, didn't retract from Hinata's hands gently being placed on his arms' sides.
Hinata tipped forward and kissed him.
After last time, it wasn't quite as awkward, yet still somewhat awkward.
Hinata felt Komaeda's mouth corners move against his lips, like he was stifling a laugh, but he also had the feeling that wasn't the case. And when he broke free to ascertain what was going on, Komaeda immediately bit on his lower lip. From this distance, Hinata could see a tremble going through Komaeda's body, feel it under his palms.
Komaeda clicked his tongue in annoyance, replacing his expression of displeasure with a smiling face that wasn't as convincing, and peeled Hinata's hands from him.
And that's how he left him.
Walking away just as silently as that, as cryptic as that, as unsatisfying as that, leaving Hinata for now with nothing but the memories to pull his interpretations from, although Hinata knew that during their next encounter nothing new would be added, because that's what Komaeda had said, giving him a key to understanding.
Hinata, twenty-three years of age, slendered down the hallway. He was confident there laid a bright future ahead of him, and that he was the one to decide over it. And even if he failed on the road, he wouldn't give up as long as he could view the tiny scratches of change, marking the path he walked on.
Slowly, they were stopping to run.