Chapter Text
“You have reached Erwin Smith. I’m sorry I am unable to take your call-“
“Fuck!” Levi cursed as he threw his phone on the bed.
“What’s wrong?” Mike wrapped his arms around Levi and kissed the top of his head.
“Voicemail...again,” Levi growled. “I wish I knew why Erwin was avoiding me.”
“He might just be having a bad day. I’m sure he’s not avoiding you,” Mike said, kissing Levi behind the ear.
“Would you stop that!” Levi swatted Mike’s face away from his neck and pulled out of his arms. “No one has heard from Erwin in almost two weeks. I think you might know why.”
“Why would I know?”
“Because you were the last one who talked to him, and you're the last one of us to be concerned.”
“I don’t know why Erwin is having mood swings. He’s always been a little moody.”
“You’re a shitty liar,” Levi spat. “Did you two fight?”
“No!” Mike’s too quick answer gave Levi all the information he needed.
“Mike.”
“Okay, maybe a little, but it was nothing major.” This was a lie. “Erwin will get over it in a few days. He always does.” Also a lie.
“What did you do?” Levi gave Mike an agitated shove.
“Nothing!” Mike held his hands out in surrender. “Sometimes Erwin just doesn’t like hearing the truth is all.”
“I can’t believe you. It’s bad enough that he avoids us most of time anyway, but now you have to go and piss him off. If you want to pick fights with Erwin, leave me out of it. I miss my friend.” Levi huffed and walked out of the bedroom, fuming.
“Hey, have you thought anymore about moving in?” Mike asked cautiously.
“What?” Levi snapped, the abrupt change in subject leaving him reeling.
“Well, it’s just that-“
“It’s just what?”
“Just know if you decide to move in, just be prepared to go to Europe.” Mike smiles broadly, unaware of the rage bubbling up inside of Levi.
“Excuse me?”
“I just got my next assignment. I will be going to Europe before the holidays, and I’m looking to be there a few months. It would be great if you came with me.”
“You’re serious?” The question was rhetorical. “Of course you are. Did you forget that I own a business? I can’t just pick up and leave.”
“Levi, you can open a tea shop anywhere.”
“You’re ridiculous.” Levi grabbed his jacket and keys.
“Where are you going?”
“I need some air. I’m going for a walk.”
When Levi stormed out, he didn’t have a destination in mind, but he found himself in front of Erwin’s house anyway. He looked at the blue cottage-style house and ached. It had been just two weeks since he last spoke to Erwin, but it felt like an eternity.
With a sudden burst of hurt-fueled rage, he rushed up the walkway and rang the doorbell, even though the lights were out and there were no signs of anyone being home. When Erwin didn’t come to the door, he started knocking, pounding really, hoping that Erwin just hadn’t heard the doorbell. When it was obvious that Erwin wasn’t there, he leaned his head against the door and slid down to his knees, all his rage dissipating and leaving him drained and raw.
“Levi?”
Levi turned at the sound of Erwin’s voice. He stood to his feet so quickly that it made his head spin and caused him to stumble slightly.
“What are you doing here?” Erwin let his duffle bag slide from his shoulder to land by his feet.
“Did you go somewhere?” Levi ignored Erwin’s question and eyed the bag at the man’s feet. Since when did he have to have reason to be at Erwin’s?
“Yes, I just got back from Marley.” Erwin pulled his keys from his pocket and reached around Levi to unlock his door.
“Marley?”
“Yes. I had a job interview.” Erwin opened the door wide enough to allow Levi in and turned on the lights. “Would you like something to drink?”
“That’s it? No one’s heard from you in two weeks, and then you drop a bomb like that, and casually ask me if I want a beer? What the hell?”
Erwin turned and looked at Levi, countenance surprisingly somber. He was a little pale, looked a little tired and agitated, his blue, blue eyes so very sad.
“Okay, tell me how you would like this conversation to go, and I will do my damndest to accommodate you.” Erwin’s words were spiteful, but they came out almost pleading.
“I want for someone to tell me what the hell is going on. I know something happened between you and Mike. Mike brushes me off and tells me to give you time and that you’ll get over it. You won’t speak to me at all. Now he’s going to Europe and you’re trying to leave for Marley. I just want answers.”
“Mike’s going to Europe?” Erwin looked like he was going to puke.
“That’s where we’re going with this?” Levi asked incredulously.
“Will you be going with him?”
“You’re missing the point of this conversation, Erwin,” Levi gritted out between clenched teeth. “But no, I’m not going with him. I have business to run.”
“Will he be coming back?”
“Really? You’re so fucking single-minded.” Levi sighed. “I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it yet.”
“Oh,” Erwin said softly, turning away.
“Erwin, I’m trying to figure out what is going on with you,” Levi pleaded.
“Nothing.”
“God, why is everyone lying to me tonight?”
“Levi, I’m not-“
“Erwin, you never were able to lie to me. I don’t know what’s going on between you and Mike, but fix it because I hate being put in the middle.”
“Mike and I are not fighting. He just pointed out some things and basically told me that it was time I get my head out of my ass.” Erwin gave a sad little grin. “So, I sat down and thought about some of the things he said, and decided maybe he was right. Maybe it’s time for me to accept the things I can’t change and move on.”
“Move on? Move on from what? Why are you being so cryptic?” Levi could feel his shoulders and neck tighten with anxiety. “I can’t help but feel that if you leave I’ll never hear from you again.”
“I would never do that to you, Levi. But it’s not like you’re the dependent one. You would be just fine without me. I’m easily replaceable and you have such a great circle of friends, and you have Mike. You don’t need me nearly as much as I need you, so I’ll stay in touch because I’m selfish like that. Hell, you may be worrying for nothing. It was just an interview, no job offers yet.”
“Why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye?” Levi hated the tremble in his voice. Erwin looked at him in surprise and his eyes dulled with pain. “Are you telling me goodbye, Erwin?”
“Maybe,” Erwin started, voice thick with emotion. He swallowed. “Maybe I am. I don’t know yet.”
“Can you at least tell me why?”
“No, I don’t think I can.”
“I deserve that much, dammit!” Levi spat.
“You deserve more,” Erwin said softly. “And that’s why I can’t tell you. I know that I’m a cowardly bastard, but I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Don’t you think that this is hurting me?”
“Not as much as it would if I told you everything.” Erwin’s mouth tightened as if he hadn’t meant to say that at all.
“You know what? Fine. You don’t want to talk to me? Let me make it really easy for you. Call me if you ever decide to stop being an asshole.” Levi stormed out, trying not to think about the devastated look on Erwin’s pale face.
Mike was still at his apartment when Levi returned home. He had the audacity to look like the victim and it just pissed Levi off further.
“Feel better after your walk?” Mike asked cautiously.
“Not really.”
“Where did you go?”
“Erwin’s.” Levi frowned.
“Erwin’s? Why? He’s not speaking to anyone right now.”
“I know. And I know that you know why.” Levi paused. “He just got back from Marley.”
“Marley?”
“He had a job interview. You need to tell me what’s going on. He told me that he’s leaving because of something you said. He said that he had to move on. What’s he moving on from, Mike? Are you two sleeping together?”
“What? No! I’m not sleeping with Erwin.”
“Then why does he think that it will hurt me if I know the truth?”
“It’s not my place to tell.”
“Stop it! I’m tired of this! I have a right to know!”
“He’s in love with you!” Mike shouted.
“What?”
“Has been. For a long time. He’s not ready to accept the fact that you’re with someone else. I told him that he needs to get over it and move on. He can’t expect for you to stop living your life to spare his feelings.”
“He’s in love with me?” Levi felt the fight drain from his body. “I had no clue.”
“That was kind of his point. Erwin’s a martyr at the best of times. He was never going to tell you. He knew that you weren't in love with him.”
“So, why is he mad at you?” Levi looked at Mike.
“Because he had told me a while back that he loved you, and I made my move anyway.”
“This is a lot to take in,” Levi said, collapsing onto the couch.
“He’s being too dramatic. He’ll get over it.” Mike sat beside Levi and put his hand on Levi’s shoulder. Levi shrugged it off.
“I think you need to go home, Mike. I just want to be alone right now.”
“Okay. Call me when you’re ready.”
Levi didn’t know if he would ever be ready.
“Only you would blame yourself for this situation,” Isabel sighed as she sat a cup of tea in front of Levi. It had been two days since he talked to Mike or Erwin.
“I feel like I’m responsible for this cluster-fuck.” Levi curled his fingers around the hot cup and hunkered into himself.
“Bro, you know I have been through all of this every step of the way. As an outsider, I often wondered if Erwin didn’t feel a little more than friendship for you.” Isabel took a sip of her tea.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Erwin’s hard to read. I didn’t want to be wrong and get your hopes up. But there’s also the fact that I wasn’t sure about how you felt about him . You weren’t exactly upfront about it, and you never mentioned it. I mean, I was almost willing to put money on it, but then you started going out with Mike…”
“I…”. Levi scrunched his face. “I had a crush, when we first met. But he had Marie. So, I compartmentalized my feelings for him. Then they broke up, and I was too afraid to take a chance.”
“Maybe he felt the same. Maybe he thought he never stood a chance. You can be intimidating.” Isabel smiled fondly. “The question is: now what?”
“I don’t know. I’m with Mike. I’m happy with our relationship.”
“Are you really, now that you know the truth? If you thought for a moment that you had a chance with Erwin, would you have even gone out with Mike in the first place?”
“I don’t know! Probably not, but that shouldn’t matter now. If I speculate what ifs, I’m not being fair to Mike or my feelings for him.” Levi stared into the steaming liquid in his cup.
“I just want to ask you something. Did Mike ask you to go with him to Europe?”
“Yes.”
“And what did you tell him?”
“No. I can’t leave my tea shop to go traipsing around Europe at a whim.” Levi frowned.
“Did you ask Mike to stay?” Isabel picked off a corner of a bear claw.
“No. I would never hold him back.” Levi looked insulted.
“What if Erwin asked you to go to Marley? Or have you thought about asking him to stay here?”
“Isabel, that’s not how it should work with either of them. There shouldn’t be ultimatums. It has to be a mutual understanding of where the relationship is leading.”
“I never said that you have to issue ultimatums, Levi.” Isabel’s green eyes stared right through him. “I was just saying that I know you, and I know that long distance will not sit well with you in the long term. There’s nothing wrong with that. Your wants and expectations for a relationship are just as important as your partner’s. All I’m saying is that you need to think about how you would handle this if you were in a relationship with Erwin. If the answers are any different, you need to ask yourself why.”
“I’m scared of the answers,” Levi admitted.
“Why?”
“I don’t want to hurt anyone. They both mean a lot to me.”
“I know, but you can’t make yourself miserable to spare someone’s feelings. Someone’s going to be hurt regardless. It’s not your fault. You didn’t set out to create this situation, but you’re the only one who can put an end to it.” Isabel placed her hand on Levi’s wrist. “This is your chance for happiness, bro. Now you just have to decide if that is Mike, Erwin, or neither.”
“Okay,” Levi sighed. “I have a lot to think about.”
“Screw thinking,” Isabel huffed. “It’s time to go with what you feel.”
“Levi? Do you want to come in?”
“I’m not staying long,” Levi said as he pushed past Mike and into his apartment, boxes piled up everywhere.
“I haven’t heard from you in three days,” the other man said as he softly closed the door.
“I had a lot of thinking to do.” Levi looked around at the bare space. “When are you due to leave?”
“The first of next month. I was just boxing up the stuff that will go into storage while I’m gone.”
“And how long are you going to be gone?” Levi couldn’t look at Mike.
“About a year.”
“Were you planning on coming back?”
“Honestly, I don’t want to. I feel like I’ve outgrown this place. It’s not home anymore. It hasn’t been for a few years now.” Finally, some honesty.
“What if I didn’t go with you?” Levi asked, looking at Mike for the first time.
“I would come back and see you, if that’s what you wanted.” It looked like the last thing Mike wanted to do.
“If I asked you to stay?”
“I can’t,” Mike choked.
“Can’t? Or won’t?”
“Does it matter? I don’t want to be in this town anymore. I would like for you to come with me…”
“But I’m not going to,” Levi finished. They stood there in sullen silence for what seemed like eternity, but it was just mere moments.
“And if he asked you to go to Marley?” Mike asked softly, without judgement, without malice.
“I don’t think anything could keep me here.”
“I see,” Mike said quietly.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, Levi, don’t be. I think I always knew how this would turn out.” Mike pulled him close and kissed him sweetly. “Go on. This isn’t where you need to be right now.”
“Thank you.” Levi left as he felt the lump in his throat. He never wanted to hurt Mike, but he needed to be honest with himself.
“Yes, sir. No, I understand. Thank you for your consideration, and this opportunity. Yes, Monday. Thank you, again, Mr. Zackley.”
“That sounded important.”
Erwin jumped at the sound of Levi’s voice coming from behind. Levi knee he had just gotten home from work. He was walking up his sidewalk, talking on the phone, when Levi arrived. He had just started to unlock his door when the call ended.
“Levi? Why are you here?”
“You know, you never used to ask me that question. You would just invite me in.”
“Forgive me. Levi, would you like to come in?” Erwin opened the door for Levi, allowing him to enter first. He shut the door softly behind them and started emptying his pockets as was his usual habit. There was an awkward tension between them that had never existed before, and Levi hated it.
“So, when are you leaving for Marley?”
“Oh, um, I won’t be actually. They decided to transfer my boss to Marley. I will be his replacement. I’ll be staying here.” Erwin almost sounded relieved.
“I’m sorry that you didn’t get the job, but you still got a promotion, so still reason to celebrate.” Levi walked further into the house, and did what he always did, made himself at home. He went straight into the kitchen and started raiding Erwin’s refrigerator.
“I guess you’re right.” Erwin scrunched his face in confusion for a moment. “When’s Mike leaving for Europe?”
“In a couple of weeks.”
“I need to take guys out to dinner. Will you be going when he does, or will you wait-“
“Actually, I had no plans to go to Europe at all. I did have my eye on a cozy little bungalow in Marley, though.”
“Why were you looking for bungalows in Marley? It’s not much of a vacation destination.”
“For someone so fucking smart, you can be so fucking dumb sometimes,” Levi hissed as he slammed a bottle of water on the counter.
“Levi-“
“I was going for you! If you would just ask me, I would pack up everything and go.”
“What about Mike? You’re in a relationship with him. If you go anywhere, it should be with him.”
“I’m not going with Mike because I realized I would rather go with you. Or stay here with you. Or just be in your general vicinity. I’m not going with Mike because we both realized that it wasn’t going to work. Mike wants to travel and not be tied down.”
“And you, Levi?” Erwin looked so very hopeful. “What is it you want?”
“You,” Levi said simply. “It’s all I’ve ever really wanted since the day we met.”
Erwin looked away. He started breathing a little unevenly and scrubbed at his face, red and splotchy. His shoulders heaved. The man looked absolutely devastated, and it took Levi a moment to realize that Erwin was on the verge of breaking down.
“But...you…Mike...” Levi couldn’t handle the tremble in Erwin’s voice.
“Mike told me to come here because he knew this is where I want to be. But if you’re not comfortable with me being here, Erwin, I’ll leave.”
“I don’t…” Erwin’s lip trembled. “I never thought that you would ever feel the same. I don’t want you to leave, but I-“
“I know,” Levi consoled, daring to reach out and touch Erwin’s arm. “Nothing has to change, yet. We need to go back to being friends first. We can go from there.”
“Okay.”
It was really more than Levi could hope for.
“Take care of him,” Mike said as Erwin drove him to the airport two weeks later.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Erwin deflected.
“Yes you do. It’s okay. I’m okay with the two of you being together.”
“We’re not together, Mike. Everything between us is completely platonic. Probably always will be.” Erwin didn’t know if he could cross that line with Levi. Mike was Erwin’s best and oldest friend. While it hurt when Mike and Levi became lovers, he knew that he couldn’t hurt Mike the same way.
“I’m over here giving you my blessing.”
“I’m telling you that I can’t do it. You and Levi were good together, you love each other. I bet if you two were to sit down and talk about things, you can work this out. I’m just the second choice. If he thought he could be with you instead-“
“Erwin, you’re full of shit. You have always been Levi’s first choice and all of us were too scared to see it. I know I usually tease you about this crap, but I’m telling you, with all seriousness, don’t fuck this up. You’ll regret it. I want you to be truly happy for once.”
“I am happy,” Erwin said with a false smile that was almost believable.
“Yeah, and I’m going to be eaten by giant cannibals.” Mike paused and scratched at his stubble. “Listen, I know I’ve been a douchebag for...almost our entire lives and you put up with it. I should be grateful you even speak with me after all of this. Be happy with Levi. Not long after we started going out, I knew that he would be forever hung up on you.”
“You’re just trying to make me feel better,” Erwin scoffed.
“No, it gets kind of hard to ignore him calling out your name during sex.”
“You’re lying.”
“More than once, Erwin. He didn’t even apologize. I knew how he felt.”
“Then why?”
“I hoped that he would eventually get over you? I don’t know. I told you I’m-“
“The biggest asshole I’ve ever met.”
“Yeah, I guess I am,” Mike laughed. “But I love you like a brother, and I want you to be happy.”
“The thing is, it’s really not up to you.” Erwin leveled a serious look at Mike.
“You honestly don’t believe Levi will shoot you down-“
“I’ve friend-zoned him...again. He wanted to try a couple of weeks ago, and I-“
“Chickened out,” Mike interrupted.
“Wasn’t ready,” Erwin corrected. “I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready to make a move on the guy who broke my best friend’s heart.”
“Erwin, I can’t love Levi the way he deserves. Only you can, because he’s been waiting for you. I was an idiot for getting in the way of that. I knew how you felt, and I put the thrill of the chase before the trust and feelings of a friend. I deserve this.”
“I’m not one for petty revenge, you know that.”
“It’s not revenge, Erwin. It’s finally having the guts to reach out for something you want, that you deserve.”
“I don’t know.” Erwin’s grip tightened on the steering wheel.
“I do. Drop me off and go to him. Don’t bother going home. Go tell him you love him and prove me right. You know how much I like being right.”
“I’ll think about it.”
And Erwin had thought about it. Even talked himself into going to Levi’s, and knocking on the door…
But Levi wasn’t home. Erwin left, dejected, wondering if this was a sign that he should just let go.
Levi wanted to throw his phone as his call went straight to voicemail...again. Was Erwin avoiding him, again? He paced back and forth as his nerves ate at his insides. How long did it take to go to the airport? It seemed like Erwin was gone longer than necessary. Levi had shown up at his house almost an hour prior. Another pass back and forth. He hated that he gave up smoking about ten years back. He would kill to have a cigarette right now. He felt fidgety and on edge. Smoking helped with that.
“Levi, there you are,” Erwin’s voice stopped Levi from pacing the length of the living room and calmed his racing thoughts. “I just went by your apartment.” Erwin’s smile was beautiful and his eyes looked so incredibly blue.
“I used my spare key to let myself in,” Levi answered.
“That’s fine. You know you can come and go as you please.” Erwin toed off his shoes and hung his key ring by the door.
“We need to talk,” Levi said in a rush.
“That sounds ominous,” Erwin said as his smile melted from his face.
“Fuck, that sounded shitty. That’s not what I meant.”
“Levi, are you nervous?” Erwin asked, slightly amused.
“Yes! You make me nervous.”
“I didn’t do anything but come home.”
“I wasn’t ready yet. Or I was ready when I first got here but you weren’t here and now I’m not ready again.”
“You’re starting to sound like me,” Erwin laughed.
“I know. Terrifying,” Levi deadpanned.
“Do you want to take a few minutes? I can go into another room, or back outside?”
“No, you idiot. Thinking about it longer is just going to make me more nervous.”
“What if I just talk about my day for a little bit, and take your mind off of it?”
“You expect me to tell you I’m in love with you after you tell me about your day with my ex?” Erwins eyes blew wide and Levi took a moment to realize what he said. “Fuck, really? Can we do that over because that was not how I wanted that to go?”
“Nope, no take backs,” Erwin teased, pulling Levi to him. “Not the most romantic way to confess, but it was perfect.”
“You’re such a fucking sap,” Levi pouted.
“But you love me anyway.”
“Yeah, I guess I do,” Levi said softly, shyly with a little blush as he wrapped his arms around Erwin.
“I love you, too. And I should have told you sooner. Not because of Mike, but because it wasn’t right to keep you waiting.”
“I’ll forgive you...” Levi tugged on Erwin’s shirt. “If you bend your tall ass down here and kiss me.”
“Yes, sir.”
Levi delighted in the soft press of Erwin’s slightly chapped lips. It was something he had desired for close to a year. He sighed and cupped Erwin’s jaw to get a better angle to kiss him deeper, more firmly, to leave no doubt that this is where he wanted to be and Erwin was the person he wanted to be with.
“Wow,” Erwin breathed as they parted for air. “We definitely should have done that sooner.”
“Tche. If you think we’re done here, you are sadly mistaken.”
“Done? I would hope not. I hope we’re just getting started.”
“You have no idea, Blondie.”
“Well, maybe you should tell me about it, to make sure we’re on the same page,” Erwin taunted before pressing his lips to Levi’s nose.
“How about I show you? I would want there to be any misunderstandings after-all.”
“Perfect.”