Chapter Text
Han was beginning to suspect he was being haunted by the galaxy's most incompetent poltergeist. It was a reflection of the last six months that this was an improvement to the status quo. Clyde (as he had taken to calling the poltergeist, assuming of course that it was a poltergeist, and he wasn't you know losing his mind) at least wanted to talk to him, well someone named Sol. He was pretty sure the ghost had been meaning to write Solo and just sucked at it. He can admit how pathetic it is to be desperate for a ghost to haunt you, but this would put the grand total of beings currently speaking to him to one. Don't think about Leia.
Chewie had been giving him the silent treatment since he'd left Leia after Ben did….well, what he did. Ben, obviously, is not speaking to him or anyone since embracing his inner fascist. He wants to smack his son; he wants to shake him. He wants Ben to explain how he could be so stupid, so selfish. How could he do this to his mother? Don't think about Leia. He wants to hug Ben and never let him go. He wants to apologize for not listening or not being there or not being enough. Whatever it was that made Ben think this was his only option.
Luke flounced off to live in exile out of guilt. What kind of best friend does that? They were supposed to be in this together. Don't think about Leia. He doesn't blame Luke for what happened. (A small part of him that he hates blames Luke. You had faith in Darth Vader; he wants to scream. How could you lose faith in Ben? An even smaller part of him worries that if even Luke Skywalker thinks Ben is evil – he must be.) He is Ben's father. This is his fault.
Ben was a difficult baby, always crying, hard to settle. That never mattered to him. He remembered Ben as a baby sleeping on his chest. He remembers how in awe he was that they could create something so perfect. He thought his heart would explode. He remembers laughing-crying with Leia one night after not being able to sleep for weeks and confessing that he had never been so scared. What if he messed it all up? A princess and a guy like him, what was she thinking?
"Don't be such a half-witted, scruffy-looking, Nerf-herder. You couldn't possibly be a worse father than Vader." She'd responded. He remembers how his cheeks hurt from smiling. He wants to believe he is a better father than Vader. He, for example, never cut off Ben's hand or tortured him. How is that the bar?!
He isn't speaking to Lando…mostly out of embarrassment. After his life imploded and he decided to resume his career as a smuggler, he had gone to find his old pal in crime. (Runaway from his problems like a coward and abandon the people that needed him. Jeez Chewie. He gets it okay! He feels guilty. No need to keep rubbing it in – just fix the hyperdrive!) To restart the glory days and all that. Can't keep a man like him locked up, sweetheart. They, of course, proceeded to get smashed.
Lando told him the next morning that after getting way too drunk, Han had propositioned him. Lando must have seen his horrified face because he quickly elaborated on what happened. Lando had responded to his come on with-
"Look, I'm flattered, and we had some good times. Like I always tell you and Leia, I'm there if you ever want to have some real fun. But Han, old buddy, your wife is terrifying. She may be tiny, but between her and Vader, I may prefer Vader."
That was mortifying, but he could have laughed it off except he had apparently burst into tears and told Lando that's one of the things he missed most about her. While Lando tried to comfort him about his terrible life choices, Han had then decided to cap off the night by vomiting all over his shoes. Han may have still been lonely and desperate enough to stay, but Lando was nice about it. He couldn't take the pity. So….currently not speaking to Lando.
Chewie was still with him. He can admit to being afraid Chewie would leave. Sure, there was the whole life debt thing, but Han honestly doesn't know that that would have been enough without Leia resting her small hand on Chewie's large furry arm and saying, "Take care of him for me. I couldn't bear it if something happened to either of you. I can't lose anyone else."
He was abandoning her to deal with the Republic, the First Order, Ben, all of it, and she was still there taking care of him. He may have deserved Vader torturing him. Chewie stayed, but he doesn't talk unless absolutely necessary, preferring to communicate in judging looks and banging around in their ship's inner workings. He refuses to refer to the ship as anything other than the ship. It isn't the Falcon, so who cares what its name is.
Don't think about Leia. Don't think about Leia. Who is he kidding? She is all he thinks about, when not thinking about Ben. He doesn't talk to her because he's a monster and a fool. He doesn't know how to look her in the eye, so he runs and hates himself.
All of this is what led to him talking to Clyde, the probable poltergeist. Clyde showed up (or he started losing his grip on sanity) about two months ago. At first, there was some extra banging, hard to separate from Chewie's disapproval. Then things moving just a little bit. He was in the process of talking himself out of there being a ghost (Luke and Leia both said Force ghosts appear fully formed to speak, but they didn't really interact with the world around them) when the mirror incident happened a week and a half ago. He has actual proof of the existence of the Force ghosts Luke and Leia talk about because he isn't Force-sensitive and therefore, can't see them (seems fake but okay), but what he is experiencing seems different. It's writing his name in terrible penmanship, for example.
Having ruled out Force guide, he settles on poltergeist because it seems stuck here and might be trying to scare him or cause mayhem. He names it Clyde because it is terrible at causing fear or mayhem, and Clyde seems like the name of a disaster ghost. He starts talking to Clyde because if it somehow was not clear before, he is also a disaster. And just really lonely, okay. He's thinking about Leia again. Sithspit. He probably shouldn't say that anymore.
He forces himself to look up from where he was burying his head in his arms, and Shavit! Clyde is real! And Clyde looks a lot like his father in law; you know before he was evil. Also, very blond.
"Hughhhhhh….." He sounds like an idiot.
"You can see me! Thank Force! I was beginning to think this would never…."
Han can't help himself. He shoots blond Vader in his stupid Sith face.
"Oh, real mature! I'm a ghost laser brain."
(What can he say. He was always a shoot first kind of guy.)