Chapter Text
“You Confunded the examiner?!”
“Maybe, or maybe not,” said Ron amiably.
“When you’ll destroy our car I’ll make sure you fix it yourself, without magic and without your father’s help.”
“And then you’ll have to polish by hand the silver in the trophy room, and ten point from Gryffindor!” cut in Teddy, his face incredibly close to McGonagall’s, minus the spectacles.
Even Hermione bursted out laughing.
“C’mon, there’s nothing to worry about, I don’t even exist in the Muggle records.”
“We’ll talk about that when you’ll have run over some poor old lady.”
“Oh, she might be Aunt Petunia!” said Lily with delight, leaving Harry completely baffled while Ron’ and Hugo’s laughs mingled together.
“Let’s hope Ron won’t run over anybody, shall we?” said Ginny, looking at her brother. “And don’t you think I’ve forgotten that you’ve yet to tell your story!”
“Don’t worry, we made a deal, and I have all the intentions to fulfill it, because you’d never imagine that the silliest thing I’ve done for Hermione was…” Ron trailed off, a mischievous glint in his eyes. Harry took a spoonful of pudding, finding himself more curious that he had expected. He wondered if he already knew about this or not.
“It was…”
“Dad, don’t keep us in suspense!”
“There must be so many things he could pick that he has no idea where to start,” teased Ginny.
“You’re wrong, you harpie of a sister. I’ve known what I was going to say since the very start. It all began when I was seventeen years old, before Hermione and I got together. After the whole Lavender debacle, I knew I had to work very hard to win Hermione’s heart, and so… I read a book.”
Silence fell when everybody looked at him with bewildered expressions, until Ginny broke it.
“Absolutely impressive, Ron. I’d have never suspected that by that age you were alphabetized enough to read. Are you sure it wasn’t a comic?”
“Or The Kamasutra?” asked Teddy with a suggestive smirk, rousing hiliarity among the adults.
Lily narrowed her eyes, bemused. “The Kamasutra?”
“Oh, don’t mind Teddy,” Harry hurried to say. “It’s nothing interesting.”
Lily shrugged and stood up. While she walked towards the stairs with firm steps, a shiver ran down Harry’s spine.
“Where are you going, love?”
“To look up in the dictionary what Kamasutra means, since you are not telling me! I want to understand your funny jokes too.”
Harry almost choked on his Butterbeer, but Ron doubled over with laughs. “Lily, you’d probably have more luck searching under James’s bed!”
While Hermione exclaimed with indignation, Ginny looked at Teddy with a deadly smile.
“Come back, honey. I’m sure Teddy is perfectly happy to explain what he was talking about, right?”
“Er…” he mumbled, adjusting the collar of his t-shirt while Lily sat down and looked at him with expectancy. “Well, erm… It’s a book that was written centuries ago by Hindus wizards and witches, that teaches a series of… of exercises to be… in harmony with your body.”
Teddy now looked pretty smug, his embarrassment apparently forgotten. It was a pretty effective explanation, after all – or so Harry thought until Hugo spoke.
“And that’s supposed to be funny?” he asked, throughuly not impressed.
Teddy chuckled awkwardly. “Er…”
“Well, it’s an illustrated book, sweetie,” explained Hermione with a strained smile. “That means you don’t have to read to understand those exercises.”
Harry couldn’t help but admire her cleverness, but Hugo raised his eyebrows with bored disappointment.
“Ha, ha, ha. Best joke ever, Teddy…”
Lily’s eyes, on the other hand, were bright with curiosity. “Do the figures move?”
When Harry choked on his Butterbeer, Hermione had the decency to look sheepish. “Er… only in the Wizarding version.”
Teddy jerked his head toward her. “Wait, do you mean there’s a Muggle version too?”
Harry closed his eyes and took a deep breath, but Hermione cleared her throat to hide her embarrassment. “Yes, I believe there is,” she said curtly, obviously eager to put an end to the conversation.
Her effort couldn’t have been less effective.
“Have you read them both, Mum?”
Hermione’s cheeks flushed red in an instant, but she still had the presence of mind to stomp on Harry’s foot under the table. To be fair, he was doing a very poor job at holding back his laughters, but Ron, Ginny and Teddy weren’t copying any better.
Hugo glared at them, his arms folded in annoyance. “You’re doing it again.”
It was Ginny the first to recover. “Sorry, love, but it’s quite fun to imagine your mum reading them. You know she’s never been a fan of gymnastics,” she added with a wink.
Harry leaned towards Ginny, his mouth close to her ear. “No, that’s your area of expertise,” he whispered cheekily. He clearly hadn’t been subtle enough, though, because Ron groaned loudly.
“Merlin’s pants, you two are disgusting,” agreed Teddy.
Hugo scowled at them all. “Well, if you all want to be so mysterious, I’ll ask Rose to look for a copy in the library. I bet she will tell me what’s so funny about this stupid book.”
This time it was Ron’s turn to choke on his Butterbeer.
“Er, I’m pretty sure there isn’t any copy at Hogwarts,” mumbled Teddy. “And anyway, weren’t you eager to listen to your dad’s silliness, Hugo?”
“Exactly!” exclaimed Ron, seizing the opening. “I’d just mentioned that I read a book, which wasn’t an illustrated one, nor a comic, but a real book with real letters, words and sentences!”
“Please know that if you’re about to say that you’ve read Hogwarts: A History just to please me, I won’t believe it.”
“Hermione, we’re talking about a silliness, not a miracle,” said Harry, who now had a clear suspicion on the nature of the book.
Ron clapped his back. “Thanks, mate. It’s wonderful to know you’re always ready to put in a good word for me.”
Harry grinned, raising his glass in salute. “You’re welcome.”
“Enough with your comradeship,” said Ginny with a smile. “It’s time for you to reveal the title of this phantomatic book, Ron.”
“Yes, yes, I’m getting there… So, it was a present by Fred and George for my seventeenth birthday…”
“Then it definitely wasn’t Hogwarts: A History,” teased Teddy.
“No, definitely not,” agreed Ron, shaking his head. “It was called Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches. Pure gold, it explained everything you needed to know about girls!”
“Oh God.” Ginny looked at her brother in disbelief. “You used a book to understand how to woo Hermione?”
“Hey, don’t think Harry hasn’t read it! I gave it to him myself for his seventeenth birthday!”
Ginny turned toward Harry, who inwardly cursed Ron upon noticing that her eyes were wide with surprise and mirth.
“Technically I only read it after we got together,” he pointed out. “And it’s not like I had much time to read it while we were on the run, so I –”
“Really?” asked Hermione with a knowing smirk. “Because I clearly remember that you had all the time to check for her on the Marauders’ Map...”
“You spied on her on the Map?” exclaimed Teddy, half shocked, half amused.
“It wasn’t like that! I was just worried, and I missed her, and I –”
But Harry couldn’t finish his plea, because Ginny brought their lips together in the sweetest of peck.
“Eww, Lily, Hugo, cover your eyes,” said Teddy, laying his hands over the kids’ faces and making them chortle.
Harry rolled his eyes dramatically. “Very funny, but don’t think you’ll get away with it so easily.”
“Get away with what?” asked Hugo.
“Oh, only with the fact that Teddy still hasn’t admitted that he also received that book for his seventeenth birthday.”
“Uuuh, Uncle Bill will be happy to know Vic’s boyfriend needs a book to understand her!”
“Shut up, bug,” said Teddy, ruffling Hugo’s hair. “There’s nothing wrong in that book.”
Harry nodded in agreement – he had been the one to give it to him, after all – but he privately realised that, if Bill knew that book as well, he probably wouldn’t have been too thrilled to learn that Teddy owned a copy as well.
“Yeah, of course there’s not wrong,” said Hugo mischievously. “I’m going to write it all to Louis, tomorrow!”
“You will not, and who told you I’ve read it, anyway?”
Ron and Harry exchange an amused glance, knowing perfectly well there was no way Teddy hadn’t drawn lessons from that book.
“Back to you, Ron,” said Hermione, a glint in her eyes. “I understand that back then you had the emotional range of a teaspoon, but do you care to explain how it’s possible that, unlike Harry’s and Teddy’s books, yours didn’t prompt you to do the first move?” she teased.
Ron widened his eyes in theatrical astonishment. “Wait, are you telling me that talking about house elves in the middle of a battle isn’t considered a first move?” he asked, and nobody could bite back their grins.