Chapter Text
"Okay, well tell Dad I said hi." James sighed as he set the plates in the sink and took the phone from its position in between his ear and shoulder. " Yes , I can stay the night if you guys aren't back. . . Yes, I'll make sure they get to school on time. Okay. Bye Nikki." He hung up and set the phone back in its charger before leaning against the counter and hanging his head with a sigh. He was emotionally exhausted.
Kendall and Carlos had arrived shortly after his talk with Logan, and they'd quite literally formed a haphazard sharing "circle" on the L-shaped couch. Kendall had taken the lead, as always, and demanded (as non-aggressively as possible, since both Logan and James looked as though they'd been through the wringer), what was going on. It took a generous amount of coaxing, but Logan had finally broken down. He revealed that the self-harm had started ages before they'd known about the troubles with his father. Mr. Mitchell had known , in fact, and punished Logan even further for it (that truly infuriated them, but the man was in jail now, so there was little they could do about it). Logan told them he'd been trying to stop for months , terrified that Mrs. Knight would find out and send him to some sort of foster service, even though Kendall hastily assured him that would never happen. But what scared him even more was that he couldn't stop, no matter how hard he tried. He'd thrown out his razor blades and paced the floor for hours trying to talk himself out of it to no avail. He almost always returned to the bathroom and found something to cut himself with, and it terrified him. But he was most scared, he admitted, of the other three finding out. He feared they would leave him if they learned what he was doing. Kendall, Carlos, and James had squelched the idea before it fully left Logan's mouth. They assured him that would never happen, not in a million years. They stuck together no matter what.
James assumed the conversation went well, all things considered. Logan had even agreed, albeit a bit reluctantly, to see someone if Mrs. Knight arranged it. They'd all cried a little and hugged and it had gone well .
Until Logan, in a totally Logan-ish, "I'm going to throw you under the bus too because it's technically helping you," sort of way, turned to James with a look that said, "Your turn." And James was like a deer caught in the headlights as Carlos and Kendall gave him puzzled glances.
"They need to know," Logan had told him quietly, and James instantly regretted the promise he made earlier. Yes , his past drug use was probably something the guys should know. But now was definitely not the time to be drudging up his own problems, considering Logan needed therapy and Kendall and Carlos were looking so upset that they very well might need some themselves. James wasn't the issue right now.
Of course, it only took a moment for Kendall to gauge the situation as serious, and once that happened, there was no way out. Kendall was a determined person. When he wanted to talk, it was almost impossible to convince him otherwise. And so James was forced to relay the entire story all over again.
It didn't feel the same way it did when he told Logan. He told Logan to help him, sort of. He told him to show the younger boy how reckless he was being how dangerous it was to keep quiet when you were in trouble. But now, in front of Kendall and Carlos, James felt as though he were the subject of an investigation and he was petrified . Logan was understanding. Kendall was not. Kendall knew how to hold a grudge, and he didn't hold back if he felt someone was doing something idiotic. He would no doubt flip out on James for his behavior. And Carlos' dad was a cop , for crying out loud! If he let it slip that James had been into drugs, Brooke Diamond would likely be getting a visit from Child Protective Services (and that would literally end James' social life for eternity, he was sure). He couldn't meet their eyes, but he could tell from their silence that the y were shell-shocked. He didn't even hear them breathing by the time he finished, and he kept his eyes glued to the carpet as he held his hands tightly in his lap, hoping to hide his tremoring. They were never going to speak to him again. Cutting was bad , but drugs. . . well, they were illegal , first off. James had broken the law at twelve years old. And he'd hidden it from them, which was really something that grated on Kendall's nerves. He couldn't stand to see the way they were looking at him, and he'd never been so glad to receive a call from his stepmother. He'd answered and hastily grabbed the now empty plates, hurrying upstairs. He popped open the window above the sink and breathed in the cold night air. He was feeling a bit woozy.
Nikki rattled on and on about how his dad was getting stitches after they'd waited nearly four hours, and how the hospital better hope Andrew Diamond didn't die of blood loss or something because she would sue. . . She'd finally hung up, stating she needed to go sign paperwork, and James was glad for the silence.
He flicked the tap and turned the handle to hot, plugging in the drain stop as he did. He grabbed the bottle of dish soap and squirted a bit more than necessary onto the plates. Bubbles quickly filled the sink as the plates became submerged. He stopped the water after a minute or two and grabbed a washcloth hanging from the spicket. The water was literally scalding, and it burned his hands beyond belief, but he really didn't care.
The house was quiet; the living room was deserted, and James didn't hear any noises from upstairs, so he figured Macey and Landon had gone to bed. He knew he probably should go check. His sister obviously could get herself settled, but he knew Landon had a reputation for being hard to put down at night, and it would be mean of him to leave Macey with it since he knew Landon would ignore her. He didn't really care about any of that at the moment either, though. Landon could stay up all night and eat the whole pizza if he wanted to. Nikki knew James didn't really like her. He wouldn't fall to pieces if she yelled at him. And he really didn't feel like sitting in his brother's room for an hour waiting for him to pass out.
"Hey."
Kendall's voice made him practically jump out of his skin, and the dishes clanked against the sink as he dropped one. He put a hand to his chest. "Holy crap, Kendall," he breathed. He groaned in frustration when he realized he'd just pressed a super-soapy hand to his gray shirt.
Kendall chuckled lightly. "Hey, saves you from washing it."
James tried and failed to smile. On any other day, he would've made some crack about his in-depth laundry routine, but . . .
Kendall's face was clearly drawn and serious, and James settled for continuing with the dishes to avoid his eyes. Despite their earlier ease, the tension in the room rose considerably, at least to James.
Kendall came forward a bit and leaned his elbows on the island counter. "James?" he said hesitantly. James stopped his movements and turned a bit in Kendall's direction, but he kept his eyes on the ground.
"Why did you never tell me any of that?" Kendall asked quietly.
James continued running the rag over the surface of a plate. He shrugged. "It wasn't important," he eventually said softly.
Kendall looked at him a bit incredulously for a moment. " Of course it was important," he countered. "Why would you think it wasn't? That was serious stuff, James, you should have told us."
"Why?" James asked suddenly, turning to face him and ignoring the way water dripped from his hands and onto the floor. He hesitated. "Your dad had just died, Kendall," he said quietly, wincing at the near instant sadness that appeared in Kendall's eyes. "You were literally helping your mom raise Katie. And we were all kids. What would you guys have been able to do?"
"It doesn't matter," Kendall insisted. "That was dangerous, James."
"I know! And you know what? I was scared, okay? I was scared if I told, Carlos would tell his dad and he'd just get me and Gwen into trouble. She was like seventeen, she could have gone to jail for giving me that stuff."
"He wouldn't have done that, he would have gotten you help! And you know what? I don't care how busy I was. I would have crawled through your window and sat with you every night if I could've helped you stop. It kills me to know you thought that was all you could do to help yourself, James. Just like what Logan's doing kills me." Kendall raked a hand through his hair as James remained silent. "You don't, like. . . you don't still-"
"I haven't touched anything in almost two years, Kendall," James answered. He set the last rinsed dish in the drying rack by the sink and pulled the plug from the drain. "And don't worry, Gwen moved out so nothing's even in the house anymore."
Kendall fell abruptly silent for a moment. ". . . I didn't know she moved out."
James nodded silently. "My mom found her stuff a few weeks ago, and . . . they got into a huge fight over it, so she left. I think she's with her boyfriend, I don't know. She won't answer my texts." He grabbed a hand towel and draped it lightly over top of the dishes.
"I'm sorry, James," Kendall said quietly.
James heaved a tired sigh. "It's fine. I'm hardly even home anyway, so it doesn't matter."
"It does," Kendall insisted. "Everything about you guys matters to me. You know that, right?" The taller boy nodded but didn't meet his eyes. Kendall lowered his voice, even though they were alone. "Does your mom-"
"She doesn't know," James said quickly with a shake of his head. "Neither does my dad." The rest of his thought didn't need to be spoken. Kendall nodded mutely. James knew he would keep quiet.
An awkward silence settled between them as neither spoke. After a while, Kendall heaved a determined sigh and headed for the basement stairs. "Come on," he said. James hesitantly followed him down to where Logan and Carlos now sat. Carlos held the empty box of pizza in his hands as he chewed what looked to be a massive mouthful of food. He looked at the others guiltily as they entered and sat on the couch.
"That's okay, Carlos. We were done," Kendall said a bit sarcastically.
Carlos' brow furrowed, and he promptly removed the large, slobbery chunk of pizza crust from his mouth and held it out to him. "You want some?" he offered sincerely.
Logan gagged. "Ew, Carlos! Put it back!" Carlos plopped the crust into the empty box. "Not in the box, in your mouth!" The piece was hurriedly shoved back into Carlos' mouth, and Kendall cringed.
"Okay guys," he began in a firm tone. The atmosphere tensed considerably. "We need to agree on something right now." He took a deep breath. "No more secrets, okay? I mean, I get that we have things that are private , but. . . everything we talked about tonight? That's not private. That's stuff that we need to tell each other. Anything that's bad or upsets us, we have to tell each other from now on. Even if we don't think the others can do anything about it. Deal?"
Carlos eagerly nodded, as did James and Logan, albeit a bit reluctantly. Carlos abruptly raised his hand, and Kendall's brow furrowed. "Uh, Carlos?"
"Can we sleepover?" the shorter boy asked, directing the question at James.
James shrugged, looking to Kendall and Logan as if for approval. "Uh, sure. My dad won't care, as long as your parents say it's okay."
Kendall winced sheepishly. "I kind of figured we were gonna do that so I texted my mom a while ago."
"And my mom's asleep by like, eight o'clock every night so she won't even know," Carlos chimed in. He sprang to his feet and slapped his helmet onto his head. "Pillow time!" he cried, launching himself towards the stairs.
James practically dove to catch him, grabbing him by the hood and yanking backward. "Shhh!" he hissed. "I think Landon's in bed and if we wake him up, we will never, ever sleep." He silently pressed a finger to his lips and motioned for the others to follow him. They crept slowly up to the ground floor stairs before ascending to the second floor. The hallway was dark, but James knew the way to the linen closet that held the extra pillows and didn't bother clicking on the light. He'd grabbed a few cushions and some spare blankets, and was just handing them off to the guys when Landon's bedroom door flew open and collided with the wall with a sharp bang!
The small boy launched himself from the doorway and threw his body straight into James' legs. "Jaaaaaaaaaaaames," he whined. "I'm so boredddddd, will you come play with me?"
James tried desperately to stop an irritated look from crossing his face as he crouched to be eye level with Landon. "Why are you up? And you've gotta be quiet, okay? Macey's probably asleep, and you-"
"Macey's not asleep, she threw me out 'cause she's watching 'Golden Girls.'"
James heard what sounded like Kendall snickering behind him. "Yeah, you shouldn't watch that." He turned and directed the next part a bit loudly towards his sister's bedroom door. "She probably shouldn't be watching that either."
Landon heaved a dramatic sigh. "James, I'm bored . She won't let me watch it with her and Mommy's not here to sing me to sleep."
"I'm not singing you to sleep."
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease-"
"Landon," James said firmly. "It's late, and you're supposed to be in bed." He spun him around and gave him a gentle shove towards his bedroom. " Go ."
Landon shrugged off James' hands and turned back to face him. "Are you guys sleeping over?" he asked. "Can I come?"
"No," James argued, spinning him around again and giving him a harder push towards his room. Landon pouted, crossing his arms over his chest and giving his brother a look that said he was clearly close to tears.
"He won't hurt anything," Kendall said quickly, trying to squelch the situation. He'd had enough experience with Katie and knew how this would end. "We don't mind, right guys?" At his pointed look, Carlos and Logan shook their heads enthusiastically.
James heaved a tired sigh but nodded in submission, and Landon gave a whooping cheer as he dashed for the stairs. The boys started to slowly descend behind him, armed with stacks of pillows and blankets.
"Is there a game on tonight?" James asked from the back of the group.
In front of him, Kendall shrugged. "I think S-" He broke off as Carlos suddenly gasped and stopped stock still on the stairs. The others simultaneously crashed into each other and nearly tumbled to the bottom. "Carlos!"
Carlos turned, ignoring the glares he was getting to face Kendall. He mouthed something unintelligible.
"Carlos, I have no idea what you're saying."
Carlos cupped his hands around his mouth and whispered loudly, "Potato launcher."
James jaw dropped. "You got a potato launcher?!" he gasped at the same time as Logan chastised, "Do you know how dangerous that is?!"
Kendall cupped a hand around Logan's mouth so he couldn't speak. "Okay, we're soooo taking that thing out tonight."
Logan shrugged off the hand and wiped his mouth off with a grimace. "Where? It's nearly midnight. We won't be able to see what we're shooting."
James shrugged. "And people won't be able to see us , so we won't get caught."
"We could kill someone!"
Kendall scoffed. "Carlos shot me right in the face at close range earlier, and I'm still kicking." He motioned for them to follow him down the stairs. "Come on, it'll be fun."
James and Carlos gave identical whoops as they bounded down the stairs. Landon dashed after them, shouting something unintelligible as all three rounded the corner and headed for the basement. Kendall turned to face his brother as Logan lagged a bit behind. "What's up?" he asked.
Logan suddenly looked uneasy, and he hesitated a bit before speaking. "I'm sorry about earlier," he said quietly. He stopped Kendall before he could speak. "You were trying to help me and all I did was yell at you, so I'm sorry. I . . . I was a total and jerk and that wasn't fair at all because you were just trying to-" He broke off as Kendall unexpectedly wrapped his arms around his neck in a tight hug. Logan swallowed a lump in his throat as he returned the gesture. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"You have nothing to be sorry for," Kendall assured him.
"Yeah, I do," Logan countered as he buried his face into the crook of the older boy's neck. "I don't want you out of my business or my life. Ever ."
Kendall let out what sounded like a chuckle and pulled back to hold Logan by the shoulders at arm's length. "Logie, you couldn't get me out even if you wanted me to. You're stuck with me."
Logan chuckled a bit tearily. " You're stuck with me. "
Kendall smiled and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, leading him towards the basement. "I wouldn't have it any other way."